XXXI.
As she breathed raggedly in the silent room, Amanda lay still on the bed, gazing at the ceiling, as if cast off stone, too appalled even to move an inch after she had settled down from her frenzy and come back to the world.
What the hell had just happened? What she had done? What he had done?
Though she could feel it, slowly, almost lazily slipping through her depths, creamy and dense gliding between her legs… Oh, dear god! What they had done? What they had done?
For a second, she thought of jolting up and running away in the bathroom, her breath hitching, panic started rising inside her…bewilderment leaving itself fright and scare, no, no, no, they couldn't do it. They couldn't. It wasn't right, bringing a child into this world…no, she couldn't do this… she couldn't. She had no rights, no rights to condemn anyone to this hell… For a long while she used to wonder why her own mother had wanted to give birth to her, had wanted a child only to leave her just afterward at the hospital, deserting her to a life she could never be truly safe. She couldn't do this. She couldn't do it to her own child! What the hell she would tell her child if her baby asked her why like how she'd wanted to ask her own mother so many times before? Why did you bring me into this hell?
The only answer she could find…was that she wanted it. She wanted to have a baby, Rick's baby, and she didn't even know why exactly? She felt tears in her eyes, and her cheeks were already wet though she wasn't sure if she had cried while coming in his arms or it was just perspiration. She knew she could move now…It wasn't right, it was just not. So she had to do something about it…like she always did. Yet, she still couldn't move, like her whole body was tied down, not just her hands. She kept lying there, breathing heavily, staring at above, thoughts in her head, tears inside her eyes.
Rick finally started moving beside her, lying on the bed. She expected he at least would come back to his senses, and would order her to go wash herself, would tell her he was going to deal with it...would stop this madness, would force her hands, this was madness, they had no rights…Rick must know it as well. He would put an end to this… but he just turned and looked at her instead. He then pushed himself on his one elbow and started untying his belt from her tied hands in silence.
His eyes were on her all the while as she stared at the ceiling, unable to meet with his gaze. She couldn't look at him. She was…scared… but she wasn't sure if it was for not seeing what she just expected or just she might see it. Everything was so confused, and she still didn't know a damn thing. When her hands were free, she tried to turn around to lay on her other side so she could have a bit of privacy. Even retreating to the bathroom seemed such a hard thing to do… She started turning but he stopped her, holding her shoulder.
"No…lay still—" He pushed her back on the mattress, "You shouldn't move for at least ten minutes…" His other hand went to his right side and he picked up his pillow, "We need to keep it inside you," he said, and started tucking it under her hips.
Her heart skipped a beat, and her breath turned even more ragged at the gesture. Her eyes found his this time. "Rick…" she breathed out as the edge of the white pillow raised her hips a bit higher, running his seeds deeper inside her… Her head started spinning… It was madness, pure madness… "Are—w-we really going to do this?" she asked.
He stared at her deeply, and asked back to her for another time, "Do you want us to stop?"
Then Amanda knew. Despite everything, the answer was still the same. For that question, her answer was always the same. She didn't want them stop. She'd never wanted them stop, never. She just wanted this, even if it was wrong… She wanted a piece of him growing inside her. Everything—everything she'd ever had was so…ugly, so barren, so…meaningless, but if she had Rick's baby…create that beautiful, innocent thing with him…then perhaps the emptiness she'd always felt would finally be filled…and their baby would make them a real family… something she'd never had but always secretly yearned for…every time she saw Rick with Carl and Judith, something inside her was crying silently. But it still didn't feel right…it felt…selfish. She always thought herself a selfish woman, and it'd never bothered her before… but was she really this selfish? Wanting a child into this hell to fulfill her insecurities?
"I want it so much, Rick…" she whispered out through her tight throat, wishing he could understand, "But it doesn't feel right…" She paused. "Whitney said the world belongs to them now, not to us. We're just trying to survive in it, trying to make it. But bringing a child into this hell just because we want it…" She shook her head again, running her eyes away, titling her neck aside. "I don't know… it feels selfish…"
Rick cupped her cheek and made her look back at him. "Amanda, listen to me," he called out at her, "It isn't selfish. This world doesn't belong to them. We're here, too, and we're not going anywhere," he said firmly, "Remember what I told you in the barn. We do what we need to, then we get to live. This is getting to live part. Alexandria is gonna be our home, I promise," he rasped out in a whisper, "then we'll get to living. Together. All of us."
As he spoke, his eyes still fixated on hers, his hand moved down and he rested it across her stomach. Just feeling it there, his callous palm stretching over her skin made her tears break slowly. "Do you believe me?" he asked, leaning down on her.
In answer, she kissed him. She believed nothing but him.
# # #
Finished with dressing up, Rick sat at the edge of the bed and watched Amanda sleep sprawled on it… It was the first time he'd ever slept in a bed after a long time. It was the first time he'd shared a bed with another woman than since his wedding, and he'd tried to knock her up whole night, truly worked on it.
He was going to have another baby, be a father again. The thought was strange, but he felt no disturbance, as if he'd already known they would come to this point. Amanda's place was with him, even the notion of her sitting at the farthest corner from him had disturbed him so deeply, and he'd wanted her with him in the same room…with him and Judith…
He knew they had to slow down, but apparently they weren't able to do it… every time he told himself he was going to take it slow, somehow he always did the exact the opposite, took it even further. Rick knew where this was going, and felt no disturbance, too. Amanda was going to need time to recuperate, she was questioning herself, had even called her desire to have his baby selfish, but Rick already knew.
He'd already had this fight with Lori before, but their circumstances were different now. They had Alexandria. He was going to put this place into a shape, and they would get to living, as he'd promised to her. All of them, together. Amanda wanted it, she needed it. She'd already confessed it, so Rick was going to give it to her. He was going to give her whatever she needed. He put his hand over her hair, and passed his fingers lightly through her hair. He wasn't going to fail her. He'd lost Lori but he wasn't going to lose Amanda. He wasn't going to lose another woman he loved… and he loved this frustrating, scheming, feisty witch with quilled skin but not-so-cold heart, he would've never done what he did otherwise, and she loved him back, too, he also knew… he'd realized it with such a clarity last night there was no room left for any doubt in his mind, not after seeing her like that…completely giving herself to him… wanting his child…
The thought—the notion was enough to get him hardened again. He wanted to have her again, empty himself inside her depths… there was something that made a man feel incredibly…powerful to have a woman like Amanda Shepherd like that, being able to break her walls, being able to open her up thoroughly… knowing that she belonged to him in a way no one else would have had her… His heated eyes wandered over her naked form sprawled under the sheet. She looked peaceful now as she slept…her quills settled down…her claws pulled back like a satisfied, well-cared, tamed big cat. He shook his head, slightly disturbed of the feeling, but he was well aware of it, like he was well aware of his capacity for violence, and he wondered that was another part of him, too, a part that had stayed hidden until now. Amanda wasn't Michonne, wasn't Beth, and she wasn't Lori, either. Lori had never been shy off pushing off his buttons, yes, but Lori was passive aggressive, depending on other people… Amanda would've never given herself to his supposed best friend for comfort and support if she thought of him dead… he just knew it.
The thought had come up into his mind so sudden, his hand halted in his hair. He'd felt so much guilt for not being there for Lori, for not protecting her…failing her…but that bitter truth was still there, somewhere underneath and his feelings for Amanda just pushed them up into his conscious—Rick shook his head again. It was the past, this was now, and he was doing this Amanda, the woman he'd somehow fallen in love. He should stop thinking of what had happened, but concentrate what would happen.
He'd promised her. He'd promised her a life—a real life…and he was going to give it to her, to all of them… This world didn't belong only to the death. They were still here.
And he had things to do. He shook her slightly at her shoulder.
Waking up, Amanda opened her eyes and looked at him. "Hey…" he slowly murmured, pushing her hair out of her face, and gave her a faint smile, "How ya feelin'?" he asked.
Pushing herself up, bracing her palms on the mattress, she sat up and rested her back at the headrest of the bed. "The same…" she muttered, giving him a half of an eye roll, "Are you expecting me having morning sickness from the first day?"
His smile grew a bit wider, and he felt much better seeing her getting to her usual...annoying self, "We don't even know if I'm…" Her eyes rose at him as she faltered, and he frowned.
He didn't like that possibility. He wanted this as much as she did. "The infirmary might have some tests," he said, "You might take them later."
She nodded, and looked at him up and down, "Civil look?"
He nodded at his brown shirt and jeans, "Yeah. The…uniform…I don't think it suits me anymore."
She sighed out, "I know what you mean," she said, and gave him a small smile, "I like you better in shirts and jeans, too."
Rick's lips pulled back in reflection, and for a little while he wondered how things would have been for him if she wasn't here…and he didn't like those possibilities, either. "After I take the guns from Carol," he told her, "I'm going to talk to Deanna. Wait for me there. Glenn is going on another supply run for power grids, and we need to get him lead the runs before those idiots get themselves killed." He paused, thinking over his plans, "Get Reg too. I want to talk to him, too."
Her eyes grew suspicious, "Deanne's husband? Why?" Amanda asked.
Rick started rising, "We'll talk later. I'm already late. Daryl and Carol are waiting for me at the cabin."
She took his hand and pulled him down. "They can wait a bit further," she countered, "You didn't tell me what you spoke with Jessie last night," she remarked, levelling at him a pointed look.
Rick let out a small sigh. "Nothing we haven't already guessed," he explained. "He's got drinking problems, and possibly abusive, too. Jessie was really afraid when he saw us together talking—" Amanda scoffed dryly when he told her that, he pretended he didn't hear it, "She told me there're people here who are afraid we'll disturb their comforts."
She snorted, "Well, it's not very helpful," she said, "We need to watch over them."
Rick nodded. "I'm going to speak with Michonne. She can watch over him."
Amanda's face still turned down a bit, but this time she didn't comment nor make a sound. "I wish we had a man inside," she said instead, "Deanne isn't a fool, and she knows we aren't, either." She paused, her eyes turning to him again, "You mentioned she told you she'd done things too, sent men to the exile. Did she tell you what happened?"
Rick shook his head. "No. She just said they couldn't manage to get along."
She scowled, staying silent for a while, then said, "I'd feel much better if we know what really happened."
"Yeah…" Rick agreed, nodding again, "me too."
She nodded, and her eyes found his. "They're hiding something from us," she said, "I can almost feel it."
Rick nodded. He felt the same thing, too, but it wasn't important. Sooner or later, he was going to find out, sooner or later these people would start coming back to the real world or they would…die. "It doesn't matter, Amanda," so he told her, nothing mattered but them, "I made you a promise last night. One way or another, I'm keeping it."
She gave him a long look, heavy green eyes on his, then with a swift move, she grabbed his collar and yanked him toward herself, and started kissing him.
# # #
Beth had imagined the first time she'd ever shared a bed with someone would've been under different circumstances than waking up with a hangover. She'd never had a hangover before, the first and only time she'd been drunk she got kidnapped and had an accident, so she had no idea how a hangover would feel like…until this morning.
Her head hurt, her mouth was dry with a metallic taste, and she felt like an idiot. Daryl was already awake, like he usually was, watching her sleep, but this time there was a scowl over his brows, and Beth knew he was still pissed at her.
Dammit, it was really the first time she had passed a night in a real bed after a long time, and the very first time she'd shared it with a man, and she'd shared it with the man she loved, and she had gotten herself drunk.
Way to go, girl, she applauded herself inwardly.
"Mornin'" she said, murmuring, turning on her side to look at Daryl.
He grunted out.
Beth would've rolled her eyes at him if only her head didn't ache this much. "Sorry," she mumbled out then.
Nodding, Daryl stood up from the bed and started dressing up. Suddenly it felt…awkward. In the woods or huddled together in the halls, things…sharing personal space was easier. This way, in a room…in their room…four walls and a roof, Beth didn't know, she felt…a bit disturbed, and she also felt Daryl felt it, too as he turned his back on her, revealing the scars across his back but even that must have felt better than facing up with her as he put on his clothes.
Beth once again felt surprised to see regardless how a deep connection they shared with each other, they were still two people who were fairly new to do this. Sometimes it felt like she'd known Daryl for years…had been with him again for years, it was so easy to forget that she wasn't, but again, since the turn, she had also understood how time was really relative, as her teacher in Physic used to tell them. Those few days they'd passed in the woods alone felt like years, and the night they'd passed in the clinic at the city felt like an millennium, but the last night…oh, last night, having fun, dancing…trying to dance with him, making him jealous…being a normal young woman as she was supposed to… how quickly last night had passed.
It made her feel sad, it made her feel irritated too, for what she didn't know. She turned to Daryl, "Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm gonna meet with Rick at the cabin. Carol's gonna give us the guns," he explained, not still without looking at her.
She nodded, but kept her silence. Last night…last night had really felt good, too good. And she had slept in a real bed, a real bed after a long time, white, clean sheets, comfy pillows. It felt like…home. Not like prison, either, the real home. The first time she had seen the beds when they had come, it had felt so strange, and she had felt the fear so deeply… Maybe…maybe, this was it. They would settle down and get...a life. She knew Rick and Daryl were still suspicious, they still didn't feel…safe, but even that sounded like a comfort zone. She wanted to get out of that comfort zone, they needed to… They had to start from somewhere, even Daryl had cut off his hair… Her father had said every step they took was a risk now, every little decision.
She walked to Daryl. "Daryl…" she called at him, "Maybe…maybe…we should stop… I really felt good last night. Maybe we really should stop and…try."
Daryl gave her a look, titling his head upward, "Whaddya mean?"
She stared at him in the eyes then. "Maybe we don't need guns."
His eyes still on hers, he asked her, "Do ya really feel this way?"
She shrugged. "We need to make this place safer…we need to be safer. Rick's right. But maybe we don't need to steal guns for that, but we do it just because it's easier that way."
"Easier?"
"Our comfort zone," Beth told him back.
Daryl shook his head, "I'unno, Beth, I'unno…" he grunted, "I feel…naked without my bow or a gun."
She walked closer and hugged him at his waist. "I know, darlin', I know." She lifted her head up, "Just think about it, 'kay?"
He nodded, kissed the tip of her nose, and left the room. Beth went to take a shower, the feel of normalcy coming at her again… She wondered if it'd make them softer, like Carol and Carl had feared, but Beth didn't know. Maybe, just maybe, they should get a bit softer… Last night felt really good, like they were…human again.
After the shower, she went to the downstairs. Amanda was in the kitchen with Carol and Noah. Aside Rick and the children, and Michonne, they were sharing the house with Carol, Noah and Amanda's wards. Glenn and Maggie and their own group were at the second house with Sasha. Tyreese was still at the infirmary.
Seeing her walking to the kitchen, Amanda smiled at her. "Well, good morning, sunshine," she laughed at Beth as she perched on a stool at the kitchen island, "How's hangover going?"
"Not so bad," Beth said, "I got used to pain."
The words just uttered out on their own. Amanda's squinted eyes found hers, and the older woman gave her a look. Beth felt a redness rising out of her. She jumped down from the stool. "I need to go to the infirmary. See ya later."
Amanda followed her, too. "I'm coming, too. Deanne's waiting." She turned to Noah, "Be careful out there," Amanda told her friend, and instructed, "Do whatever Glenn says, don't listen to that douchebag."
The douchebag must be Aiden, the funny idiot Beth had great time last night. The guy was a douchebag, yes, but he was a funny one. He was also the leader of the supply runs, so Noah and Glenn and Tara must be going out for another run. It was normal, too, going on runs. They were all settling down.
Noah nodded as Beth waited at the door for Amanda, wondering if she was being deliberately followed. She opened the door when Amanda came to her side, they left the house together.
"Hey—" Amanda asked her as soon as they set out to the porch, "Are you okay?"
Beth nodded. "Yeah. I'm good."
Amanda rolled her eyes. "Beth, you're a terrible liar. What's the problem?"
"Nothing," Beth said, walking in the street, "Nothing, there isn't a problem." She faltered at her steps and gave the other woman a look. There really wasn't a problem. "I mean…" she let out a sigh, "I had a great time last night, Amanda," she said, starting walking again, trying to put what she felt into the words, "I got drunk, had fun, danced with Daryl…flirted…it was good, so good…"
Amanda swept her eyes at her. "Yeah," she said, "I saw you. You looked…happy."
Beth nodded. "I was. Last night I slept in an real bed after years. Not a bunk in a prison, not a sick bed in a hospital, but an actual bed, with clean sheets and soft pillows. It felt…I don't know…normal. At first, I was so wary, so afraid…like each of us… We all were, but maybe…maybe we should stop now…be…human again."
Amanda gave her another look, and let out a sigh. "It's dangerous, Beth," she said, "We're still not safe."
"I know," Beth said, exasperated, "But I feel like we have to start at somewhere. Daryl went to meet with Rick and Carol this morning to take a gun. It bothered me. I don't know why but it did. I feel like…we should try…" She shook her head, and stopped, getting closer to Deanne's house, "We've been in our comfort zone too long. I know there's no going back from this but I feel like we should find a common ground between and…get a life, a real one."
"Get a life," Amanda murmured then, her eyes wandering around, looking at the town, secured behind the walls. She must have felt it too, Beth knew, she'd seen her Rick. Even Amanda had felt it, had made Rick cookies. She let out a deep breath then, turning back to her. "Beth—" she said, "we…Rick and I…last night… we…uh…tried to get a life, too."
Beth's eyes narrowed at her, "What do you mean?"
Amanda looked at her almost shy, "W-we tried to make a baby."
Her eyes widened, Beth stared at her back.
# # #
"You did what?"
Amanda let out another sigh. "Yeah…" she muttered, playing with a pebble at the ground with the tip of her shoe, her head bowed. She guessed everyone was going to be shocked about the news, if she really got pregnant with Rick's baby, her having Rick Grime's baby. Her face soured, but she tried to shoo away the thought. He wanted a baby with her, she reminded herself. Everyone would think whatever they damn pleased. She didn't care. She never did, she never cared what people thought of her, everyone used to think her dirty—even Rick had thought her a dirty cop at first…she'd never cared, too… Still, she'd hated it…deep down, she always hated it.
"Amanda…oh my god…" Beth breathed out, "You and Rick… he said…uh…he's okay with it?"
Amanda's head snapped up at her. "Why? Do you think Rick wouldn't want it with me?"
Beth shook her head. "No… No… I didn't mean that," she said hurriedly, "It's just…after what happened with his wife…and how things were now… I didn't think… Oh my god! Please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just…"Beth looked at, then smiled, "I'm just… wow!" she breathed out again, "You're gonna a mother?"
She was really going to be, was she? Beth's shock had started getting at her, too… She'd been sure what she wanted when she was with Rick, but without him…without his calming presence—his hand across her stomach, she started feeling panic again. She must have been mad, purely mad, completely lost her senses… "Do you think I'm mad?" she asked Beth.
What if she was a shit mother…Her…being a mother… really, what she'd been thinking? Even Beth seemed like thinking the same… "I know it's wrong, Beth…I know I'm not of mother cloth, too, and having a baby in this world…" She shook her head, "But I just want it…I just want a baby."
A baby with the man she loved… a bond nothing in this world would break, nothing. Despite everything, even she had wondered so many times of her own mother…wanted to see her, wanted to know her… she always had been so angry at her mother, for deserting her, but she still wanted to know her, wanted to understand how she could have forsaken a piece of her.
She started walking again toward the Deanne's house. Beth followed her, too. "When Lori got pregnant, I was the first who learned about it. I asked her why she wanted a baby—a baby in this world, I couldn't understand, too. Lori didn't want her at first, either. She made Glenn looking for pills. She was afraid, too." Turning to her, Amanda looked at her, and stopped at the Deanne's porch, "But I get it now."
"Do you?" Amanda asked.
Beth nodded. "Judith is here, with us, and she's the best thing that happened to us after the turn. Your baby—your baby will be a blessing, Amanda," she told her, "And you'll be a good mother."
Amanda stared at her, her eyes pricking, "Do you really think so?"
"I know so," Beth told her adamantly, "I know what cloth you're made of, Amanda."
Then Amanda realized she had been wrong, even before Rick, she had someone who believed in her. She had Beth, who believed she could be…more. She smiled at her friend, her eyes getting blurry, "Thank you…" she whispered, "Thank you for everything, Beth."
Beth smiled back.
Smiling, Amanda passed her hand over her eyes, rubbing off unshed tears, "Goodness, look at me, already turning into a bundle of hormones…" she let out a laugh, "Rick's so gonna have the mood swings…" she said, breathing out another laugh, sweeping her eyes at Beth again before she climbed the porch and opened the door the Deanne's house. The door always left open in the day, another way of Deanne for showing transparency in the community, and she held the knob before she walked inside, "I guess I'm just going to have tell the truth if our baby asks me one day why…why we brought it into this world…" she muttered, "I fell in love so hard with daddy, I lost all the sense in the world…"
As Beth stared at her back, she stepped in the hall. It felt good, uttering the truth, because as much as she would've liked a baby—having that connection, she could have never dared to do it with anyone but Rick. He…he'd made her realize how much she wanted to have a baby…his baby…
She placed her hand on her stomach, smiling at herself… then she heard the whispers from upstairs… As soon as she heard them, she knew something was off.
She threw herself at door's side at the landing of staircase, where she could stay hidden from upstairs. The muffled talking sounds were coming just from somewhere above her, and the woman voice belonged to Deanne, but she couldn't exactly place the male one. The house seemed like deserted as well, Deanne's two children must be out, Aiden was off for supply run with Glenn and Noah, and she had no idea where the other one was—possibly trying to flirt with one of them.. Amanda had seen the guy… a womanizer, drinking idiot. If she had a boy, she decided, she would never let him turn to one…and really, if her boy would take even a bit from his father, she would not need to fear at all… Her hand went to her stomach again, and she wondered if it was a girl or a boy—and what if it wasn't there…fear gripped her suddenly. What if she really couldn't get pregnant…what if she had something…a disease or simply wasn't capable of… The stuff happened…what if she could never get pregnant…never had a baby…?
She shook her head. She was getting carried away, her fears getting carried away. She shouldn't think like this. "They're…they're dangerous," the male voice bemoaned from above, and Amanda scowled. She'd recognized the weeping, bemoaning voice.
That bastard! That whimpering, weeping, sobbing heap of sorry excuse of holiness! This time she was going to get his hide. "They could do anything—anything—hurt anyone to protect themselves."
Well, yes, the words held a truth, but they were trying to protect themselves here…and Rick—how many times Rick had saved his sorry ass…even though he was an idiot. Deanne thanked the father for his honesty with a placid voice, and sent the man away. Amanda waited at the bottom, hiding, and when the man climbed down, she grabbed him at his neck in a choke, and pulled him into the supply closet next to the staircase.
Inside releasing her grip, she pushed the man at the shelves. Hitting at the shelf in front of him, the man turned aside and gave her a frightened look over his shoulder.
"Hello, father," Amanda said flatly, "Having new friends?"
"I—I—" the fool whimpered, turning around, "I—meant—"
"No harm?" she cut him off, "You're the most ungrateful coward I've ever seen," she seethed out through her teeth. She'd seen people like him all the time, cowards…cowards who thought themselves better than you... but just pitiful… "How many times Rick helped you—saved you?"
"I—"
She cut him off again, "Shut up—" Walking on in him with two quick steps, she held his throat, "You almost got us killed! I almost got strangled because of you, you moron! And now you betrayed us, too!" She shook her head, "What do you think Rick will do to you once he heard about this…What are you going to tell him this time?"
His frightened look turned to a real scare, Amanda watched it with contentment. Good, some people only understood the fear, and she decided that the holy man understood her with a perfect clarity. "He's going to kill you. Rick…Rick isn't a civilized man, you know," she said, shaking her head, dropping her hand off his throat, "He wouldn't send you to exile. No. That's a risk. You'd be just a liability in that way…" She gave him a look, "You're already a liability, aren't you, father? He has no chance but murder you…to protect us. And that's what he does, right?" she asked, and went on before the man spoke, "He'd hurt anyone to protect us. You were right about that."
The man started crying. "I—I'm sorry," he whimpered out, "Please… I'll tell her…I'll tell her I was wrong. I'll tell anything… I'll tell her I—"
"You tell her nothing!" she spat, hitting him again at the shelf. "You'll keep doing what you've just done. You'll feed her all your stories, you'll get her to trust you, speak to you, then you'll come and sing to me everything. You understand?" she asked, walking back to her, "You will tell me everything, her every little dirty secret. Something happened here. Before we came here, something happened, and I want to know it."
Desperately, he nodded. "I will."
She nodded back, "Good. If you don't, I'll kill you myself before Rick ever gets the chance, father."
Giving the pitiful man a last look, Amanda walked out. Climbing the staircase, she put her hand in her stomach, trying to calm herself, and spoke to her baby inside, Don't worry, sweetheart, we'll keep you safe…daddy and mommy will keep you safe, no matter what.
# # #
Daryl looked at the gun Carol offered, Beth's words turning in his mind, then turned to Rick. "No…" he shook his head, "I'm good."
Rick narrowed his eyes at him, tucking the gun he'd taken from Carol at the back of his jeans under his shirt. "What do you mean?" he questioned.
"Look, Beth—she's said stuff this morning, I'unno," he said with a shrug, "Do we really need these?" Rick gave him such a look, Daryl quickly continued, "I mean, things go bad, yeah, sure," he said, "And we do what we gotta do, like you said." He paused for a second, and pointed at the guns, "But we don't need these for that."
Rick shook his head. "Right now we don't," he pointed out, and Daryl knew he also had a point there. Right now they wouldn't but in the future…it was a risk, but like Hershel had said before everything was a risk. And Beth…and Beth really wanted them try… Daryl also found himself wanting to try, as dumb as it was…he wanted it.
"We're trying, right?" Daryl asked him back. They were all. Rick had even taken his ring off, he had gone to a party last night, had danced with Beth… "We all are, huh? I cut my hair, you cut your beard. Amanda made cookies for you. We all are tryin', man."
Still giving him, Rick finally nodded. "Okay." Turning back, he started walking, "Let's go," he motioned at him, "Deanne's waiting us. We need to talk about scouting, too."
Daryl scowled. The scouting thing. Find people…good people... He didn't know. "What do you think about that?" he asked to Rick while they were walking back to the town, Carol beside them.
Rick twisted his neck aside, "It's too early for bringing another group in, not before we settled in and secured the place…" Rick said, frowning.
"But…?" Carol asked, sensing the invisible but in the words.
"Amanda says she's a smart woman, but she's still got big ambitions," Rick answered, "She needs to wait. We need to secure the place first." He paused for a second, "Inside and outside."
Daryl nodded, thinking about Sam. He knew Rick was thinking the same. They walked until to the town in silence after that and when they passed through the gates, Carol left them and Daryl and Rick continued toward to Deanne's house.
When they entered into the house, and started for the staircase. Daryl heard Amanda's heated voice coming from the other side of the door as they approached the old woman's office, "Look, I'll speak to you plainly because that's why you wanted me here," Amanda said with frustration, as Rick put a hand on his arm stopping him at the door, "I don't care he was in the Army ROTC before the turn," she went on from other side, "Glenn's better than Aiden."
They heard Deane's calmer voice responded, "If I gave everything your people, Amanda, it's gonna cause problems," the woman said, a frustration entering into her voice, too, "as if…as if I'm favoring you people."
Amanda Shepherd let out a dry laugh any person who had ever clashed with her know, "All in frankness, Deanne, it looks like to me you're favoring."
The words were loaded, and neither Rick nor Daryl missed it. The damn prick, the prick who he'd almost knocked out, the prick who had danced with Beth last night was Deanne's older son and it seemed to Daryl Amanda was right. That damn fool had no mind to take anyone's responsibility.
A frown settling over his brows, Rick had entered into the room. Daryl followed.
Deanne was seated behind her desk as Amanda and her husband...whose name Daryl had never even listened to sat in front of it, as Amanda leaned on forward toward her… Upon the intrusion, Amanda turned aside, and looked at them, but her eyes were more on Rick. "Rick!" she breathed out, almost sounding looking for…help.
In response, Rick only looked at Deanne. "She's right. Glenn needs to lead the runs."
Deanne shook her head, as if to close the subject. "I'll consider it." She looked at Rick, "I assume Amanda has talked to you about my intentions to send Mr. Dixon with Aaron and Eric to scouting."
Rick nodded. "She did."
Deanne turned to him. "What do you say, Mr. Dixon?" the old woman asked him.
Daryl shrugged, "Why me?"
"Aaron thinks you know the difference between the bad and the good people, and Amanda agrees. It's an expertise we could use."
"No," Rick cut in, his voice adamant, "The new recruits has to wait. We've just come, settling in, and you're already worried about your people and my people getting along. If Daryl brings another group, it'll only make things worse."
This time Deanne nodded. "What about the Wolves?" Amanda asked, turning to Rick again, "Are we really just let them go around there?"
Rick shook his head again. "We need to secure the walls, the watches first, our inside," he spoke, but his words were more to Deanne, as his eyes were fixed at the older woman. "Yesterday a ten years old escaped from your guards. A ten years old," Rick seethed out the word.
"Who?" Deanne asked, her expression turning to grim.
"The doctor's boy," Amanda answered.
Daryl continued, "I found him at the woods… He was afraid to turn to the town. He broke some shit in the garden. He was afraid…"
Rick looked at the leader of the town harder, "The boy said his father always gets mad," he remarked, "Deanne, is there something you want to tell us?" he asked pointedly.
The woman shook her head. "Pete—Pete sometimes takes it hard, but he's a good guy."
Rick scowled, "He drinks."
Deanne nodded. "Sometimes," she accepted, "He'll behave…" she paused for a second, "He's our only surgeon."
Amanda's face got darkened as Daryl scowled too. He didn't like the sound of those words, and he remembered the special solar units in his gardens and the tomatoes… His scowl grew heavier as Rick's turned to a stone.
"We need to start up watches all along the wall," Rick then said, his voice as stiff as his face, but moving on, "Not just at the gate. Michonne will see it. Amanda has a mind of forming up a Militia to deal the outside threats and we should talk to about it. Aiden perhaps could help him there with it." Rick gave the woman almost a smirk, "He wanted to be in the army, right?"
In silence Deane looked back at him. "This place has to be safe," Rick then told her, "And right now it isn't." There was no softness in his voice, it was as hard as the truth itself. These people were idiots and Rick had just told them that.
"I'm not letting it go like this," Rick continued, and Daryl recognized the tone too. Deanne had better played along, let him handle things, or the older woman was going to get Rick's bite, too. "We need to forfeit the walls—" He turned to Deanne's husband, who had watched the talk in silence until now, "I want outer walls," he then stated.
All the eyes turned to him then. "Outer walls?" the man asked back.
Rick nodded. "Yeah, we need to define a perimeter…" Rick explained, "This—" his hand pointed at the window, "This could be our inner wall. We build up another outside of it, dig a moat too, filling it with spikes—"
"A dry moat…" Deanne's husband muttered, "Like…like a castle?"
Rick nodded. "Yeah," he said, "Like a castle. We grow corps there. We did it in the prison between the fences. The supplies ain't infinite. We need to start growing crops, and we need to secure them. I know a bit of farming. Maggie knows it, too. We'll show you." He nodded at them, leaning on, "People used to do it for thousands of years."
The older man nodded eagerly. "I don't know how to build castles, but I can…learn," the man said with a smile, and paused a little, "We can even set up battlements too, so you could walk on the watches atop."
Liking the idea, Rick nodded with an expression at his face close to content, "Yeah," Rick said, "It'd be great, Reg."
"Is there any quarry or something like that we can find stones?" Amanda asked then, "If we're to put up walls, we should do it properly," she said sternly, "Those metal plates are good, but stones are better. They can hardly be lit with fire and bullets cannot penetrate. Even tanks wouldn't break in." She turned and looked at the architect, "Can we find stones?"
The man considered it for a second, "There's a quarry not so far from here. The road is ridden with walkers, so we don't go to there much. But I guess we could find them there..."
With the same contentment, Rick nodded, "I'll look at it."
# # #
"You know I wanted to live in a castle when I was child…" Amanda said, laughing as they rested along the railings at the porch back at the house, looking at outside the streets.
It was getting dark, the sun almost setting down created a halo around her, and she really looked beautiful, so beautiful Rick wanted to kiss her again, but laughed at what she had said. "Amanda Shepherd, I never took you as a woman who wanted to be a princess," he told her, throwing his arm around her shoulder.
She laughed back, letting out a sigh, "Delusions of youth…" she said, but her voice was full of mirth, not depressed, and Rick liked it, "But don't worry, it passed quickly."
Rick laughed at that, too. "Hmm mm…"
She bumped at his shoulder with hers, "Hey…" she called back, "And what about you…? I know a bit of farming…" she quoted, laughed, "Don't tell me you were one of those people who wanted to grow shit in the retirement."
Letting a sigh out, Rick shook his head. "No. Not in the retirement," he said, remembering the times after Lori's death, and somehow he started speaking, "After Lori's death it was hard for Carl. H—he had to put down Lori. I-I wasn't there. The prison was attacked again. Carl…Carl grew—reckless. I—uh—had episodes as well. It was hard."
Looking at him, she nodded. "I know. It's okay. You-you don't need to if it's still…"
He cut her off. It wasn't hard…not anymore. "No, it's okay," he told her, stepping back and rested himself at the angle of the porch's roof, "I wanted to show Carl another life was still possible. Took off my gun, and started…farming. It was…nice."
"What happened then?" she asked, resting herself just beside his knees at the railings, twisted to him.
Rick shrugged, "Life, life happened. The walkers broke inside, had to kill them…Used the pigs we grew up as bait to pull the walkers away." He bowed his head, shaking it, remembering how he sacrificed the poor things he'd grown his hands to protect his family... "I wasn't like this before, you know…" He let out a bitter laugh, "I was…the officer friendly." He gave her a look with a smile, "You would've hated me."
She poked at his foot with the tip of hers, "No… I always liked the nice guys… hated the scary ones."
"I'm the scary one, Amanda," he told her pointedly, "I ripped off a man's throat with my teeth."
He'd done what he had to do, but it didn't change things. He—he had that thing inside…the thing that had made him kill his best friend at the end, and Shane hadn't made it, but Rick was still living…kicking and screaming, and ripping off. To keep his family safe, he would do anything. He'd already accepted it.
But Amanda shook her head. "No… I know the scary ones," she said, "You aren't one." He gave her a look. She let out a sigh, and looked at him back. "When I first came here," she told him with a quite voice, "I was afraid if I was going to have another Gorman situation at my hands… Everyone listens to you when you speak, and you have a power…a power to make people listen to you…Gorman was like that first, too. When he spoke, we listened, but he never wanted to take responsibility of us—I can't blame him, I guess, I've never wanted to take anyone's responsibility, too. It…it scares me…" She shook her head, as if to put her thoughts on the track, "My point is…the power he had corrupted Gorman, at some point he even stopped trying. But you, Rick—" She moved on in him and took his hand, "I see you everyday struggling… trying…not to be that man. Whatever you do...you don't do it for yourself. You do it for us, to keep us safe. And that's," she said, pointing her finger at him with a smile, "in my book is still the officer friendly, honey," she pursed her lips down then, laughing, "You know…suckers."
Rick smiled at her back, fastening his fingers around hers, "Amanda…" he called out at her.
"Hmm…?" she asked back.
"Mary me."
She snapped her head up at him, her eyes looking at his deeply, "You're really not doing this in half way, aren't you, Rick?"
He shook his head in answer. She was going to be the mother of his child, what else she had expected?
She nodded, and coming closer, she rested her head at his chest, "I want a ring," she told him then, "But not a big stupid stone," she continued, "Nope… I want…" she paused, as if she was pondering, "just a band ring would suffice…but of white gold. I hate golden…or rose…I wouldn't mind…rose…it's pretty…or a band of diamond…" She lifted her head up at him, "I don't mind diamonds, you know, not exactly…but it's a damn cliché…I mean…suckers…And…"
"Amanda…" Rick whispered, leaning in on her closer, "Shut up."
Looking at his eyes, she nodded again, "Okay."
He kissed her. At first, it was light, and she was smiling against his lips, then a second later, it grew hotter, he grabbed her at the waist and hoisted up along him, and deepened the kiss. They—they should go inside and work on…making babies again…just to be sure… Tearing his lips off hers, "Let's go inside," he breathed out in her ear.
"Genius…." she whispered out at him, her hand still moving through his hair, but before they took a step back and turned to go inside, they heard voices outside… screams.
Their heads snapped at it.
It was coming from the infirmary.
They looked at each other for a split of second before they turned and started running.
# # #
They brought Tara back to the infirmary unconscious between the arms of Eugene and that gun she couldn't even remember his name properly…Nicholas…or something. Beth didn't know, didn't care.
The only thing she cared now was her own people. "Where are the others?" she asked, looking at Eugene. "Where is Noah…?" she asked, her eyes wandering, and then she noticed, "Where is Glenn?" she asked, her heart beating in her throat, scared…scared of the answer she was going to hear. Yet she already knew.
Eugene shook his head. "I'm sorry…" and started crying, "I'm so sorry."
At that moment, Maggie stormed in too, and with one look she understood. Then she started screaming.
It always ended with screams.
A/N: At first, I was going to only kill Noah, then I thought, what the hell... I've always though Noah's death didn't really add anything as drama wise, as we only saw him, like what...three or four episodes... and they played with Glenn's death so many times... so why not? I also want to keep things different than in the show, too, s much as I can, so this wouldn't get boring as you know what happens the next?
Writing this chapter with Amanda and Rick was a great fun, especially when a baby has come into the picture. At this point, I'm afraid they're getting, and will continue to do so, too, my attention more than Daryl and Beth, but I guess, it's just happened that way. Both Rick and Amanda have so many grounds to cover, they make my fingers itch to write.