CHAPTER 35:

Sometimes 'time' is too late

Lloyd didn't realize a bug had landed on his pant leg until the little critter flew away startled by a change of his position. He followed the winged thing with his eyes until it flew up higher and away from his field of vision. Lloyd's craned his neck and found Cole's handsome face behind him. The noirette, too, was looking up, then to the side, the bug resting on the edge of the fountain before it moved again and hovered on top of the water.

"A dragonfly," Cole stated and smiled down at Lloyd. The boy nodded with a low hum and sank his back deeper into Cole's chest, his friend's muscular arms went around his body and hugged him tenderly. Lloyd's rib cage filled with warmth yet an awkward heaviness remained.

His mind had yet to wrap around all the information he'd received over the last hours. Both his head and heart were working at full speed.

He'd apologized to Cole, to Kai as well even though not directly. He had forgiven them for acting so strange but… a part of him still couldn't make out if that was the right thing to do. He still remembered as clear as daylight Kai's hateful words at him, and what he'd done to Jay. He got it —what had happened in the past had to had been one of the worst experiences in the world. It was no wonder Kai had come out of that mentally wounded. Lloyd knew very well about the things psychological abuse could do to a person's brain.

But…

On the sly, his eyes darted away and towards Jay who was sitting by their side, knees pulled up against his chest, gaze lost in the slightly damp grass around them. Seeing Jay like this arose confusing thoughts in Lloyd. Kai had hurt the boy, he'd put him through so much stress and a traumatic experience as well, on purpose or not, and Lloyd just couldn't ignore the hurt in Jay's pretty eyes.

Cole suddenly moved and draped an arm around Jay's shoulders, pulling the boy closer and coaxing him to join their embrace. Jay didn't display any type of enthusiasm as he let the bigger young man do as he pleased, his eyes looked away from them.

For a moment Lloyd wondered if it was his fault Jay didn't want to be close to them. With all that was happening, would the blonde ever have a chance to make amends with the boy?

"Jay," Cole started, brushing his hand over Jay's arm. "Don't do this, please. Don't shut us out. You've come so far since you got here, it would be a shame that all that work got wasted. I know what happened to you was a nightmare but it was a misunderstood. You… understand that, right?" Cole asked and the fear in his voice was obvious even to Lloyd. His friend was so worried about the well-being of their family.

Jay didn't respond.

"Tell me, please. Tell me what's going on inside your head. I want to help," Cole pressed again and, for a brief moment, Lloyd thought he caught a glimpse of wetness in the corner of those chocolate orbs that were fixed on Jay. Lloyd couldn't help but automatically reach for Cole's hand with his own, clutching it with tenderness, wanting to reciprocate the emotional support Cole was giving him.

Jay stared at the noirette, then his eyes met Lloyd's for a second and looked down at his knees again, seeming to do some hard thinking.

"I… I get it," he eventually spoke, then took a short pause before continuing. "He… was confused. His dad and all that stuff… I brought it all back and… he 'snapped'..."

"Hey, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault."

"I know… I know…" He murmured with a sudden sorrow that put Lloyd somewhat on alert.

Jay quieted again, his fingers dove into his hair, clenching, tensing around the fluffy gingerish locks.

"What is it?" Cole asked and they both waited for Jay to enlighten them.

"... I don't understand."

"What exactly?"

"You… keep saying he's sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt me or… do the things he did… But…" His speech faltered. Cole, instead of pushing him, waited for the boy to resume, although even Lloyd could tell the man was growing nervous by the minute. He, too, was dying to know.

"But… he kept me there in that cell. If it hadn't been for you, I'd still be there all alone."

"No," Cole straightened a little. "Jay, he gave the order. He told us to get you out of there."

"What?" Jay's head jerked up.

Cole nodded. "Even in his confused state, he told us to come and get you. I think deep down, he knew he'd done you wrong but… he was battling with his dad's memories at that time..." Cole's eyes lost their focus for a moment. "He still is battling them", the noirette added with a sad tone.

Images of that night flashed before Lloyd and he was brought back to that specific moment. He felt the anger boiling again in his veins, the sting of his hand after the slap, then remorse overtook. Kai's enraged and odd state made all the sense now. Lloyd's own demons might be different than Kai's but he was sure they weren't any weaker. Even after spending a year with this family, surrounded by love every second of the day, the bloodcurdling creatures still managed to grab him now and then and tried to pull him back into that dark abyss of self-destruction. Lloyd could only imagine how much it had hurt Kai when the blonde yelled he didn't love him and even called him a monster. He, too, was at fault for Kai's outburst.

Lloyd's focus went back to Jay, the boy was intently staring into Cole's eyes, then lowered his gaze after releasing a breath he'd been holding for too long. He seemed lost, had he really thought he was living on borrowed time? That he'd come back to their room against the monarch's wishes?

Jay shivered and buried his face between his knees, hands going up to his hair again. "Are you okay?" Cole asked, rubbing a nervous hand on the boy's back.

"I… don't know…"

Lloyd narrowed his eyes and stared at him. The way Jay's voice had trembled when he'd said those words… it kind of felt like he did know but he wasn't quite ready to share whatever was tormenting him.

••••••••••••

He knows I'm out? And he doesn't mind? Why?, Jay asked himself.

'Deep down, he knew he'd done you wrong', Cole's words echoed inside his head

Deep down… Deep down…

What did Jay feel deep down?

This new information was like a kick in the guts, it threw everything off its axis again and confused Jay all the more. And the worst about that, was that now it wasn't just his reasoning that was uncertain, his heart felt strange too —divided, in a sense.

Which sense though? And why did these shivers that were rising in his body startle him so much? Why would his heart warm up at the thought that 'crazy Kai' had still been able to hold onto a fraction of kindness and released him against his enraged impulses?

'He's not a monster.'

Jay's fingers curled tighter around his hair and his knees pressed harder against his chest, trying to muffle the intense sound of his throbbing heart.

••••••••••••

The sun was setting, its orangish glow extended like a radiating sheet over the city, ricocheting on the pale walls of the tiny houses and illuminating the streets beautifully right before nighttime. Quite a beautiful sight, but that day it didn't hold the same magic vibe as usual. Kai leaned his elbows on top of the marble handrail of the balcony, hands supporting his face as his eyes moved all over the view before him, following random persons he saw far away in the streets while they went to gather themselves with their respective families.

How did he wish he could do the same.

Soft voices sounded inside the room, Kai recognized Zane's and probably one of the servants, some clink of plates being placed back into a tray and the door closing. His graceful husband appeared by his side a moment later, Kai gave him a weak smile then stared again at the world under his feet, a world that never stopped whether who controlled it.

"It's beautiful," Zane commented, resting his arms on the balcony too. Kai hummed in agreement. "And the weather is excellent at the moment." Kai nodded again. "Should we go for a walk?"

The monarch tensed in a split second. "No," he said dryly, not offering a further explanation.

"I think it would make you good. Stretch your legs, fresh air…"

"I said no." Kai detached himself from the railing and walked back into the room, throwing himself on the bed and facing away from his lover.

For a moment there was utter silence, then Zane's quiet footsteps approaching. The covers shifted as the young man sat on the edge, his side touching Kai's back. Zane said nothing, simply stretched his hand out and clutched Kai's tenderly. The monarch buried his face deeper in the pillows and gripped Zane's limb with all his might for a few seconds, then his fingers relaxed and intertwined with the paler ones.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so blunt," Kai said with a tiny voice.

"It's okay, you've been under a lot of stress. I understand you're tired."

Tired… Kai snorted, if only it were as simple as that.

Kai moved Zane's hand up to his face and pressed it against his lips and chin. The blond shifted, lying down next to him as they settled in a more comfortable embrace, with Kai's back pressed against Zane's chest. The royal spouse held him firm but gentle. For a moment Kai wished it was Cole hugging him. Fighting the need to ran out of the room and find his lover was tough. He couldn't help but feel guilty for what had happened to his precious boy years ago, it wasn't easy to just let go of the fear that Cole could be in danger again, especially not now that the previous Maharaja's ghost felt so strong in the ambiance.

"Kai, you don't have to hold back. I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't mean to harm Jay-"

"Can we, please, not talk about that?"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Kai… I understand it must be painful and very difficult for you at the moment, but keeping everything bottled up isn't going to help you at all."

Kai remained silent, huffing while his brain kept swirling and making him dizzy. He was certain Zane was trying to help him. To some degree the blond's tactics were proving to be beneficial. He'd been 'stable' for a few hours now, but Kai had spent years keeping these emotions buried deep down in the back of his mind, it was hard to just switch to the opposite end and… let all that hurt flow.

The king shifted, pressing his face on the pillow as he took deep breaths, his husband waited patiently, giving him time to come to terms with himself. "I'm scared…"

"You mean… of your father?"

"... Not exactly." Kai paused, breathing deeply then resumed, "I'm scared… to be like him. What I did to Jay… it's exactly what my dad did to me and Cole."

"Kai, of course not-"

"Of course yes, Zane! I… I went crazy and I didn't want to listen to him, I just… I just cared about myself..." Kai sobbed.

"Love, you are being too hard on yourself. You weren't in your right mind when that happened. Your dad, on the opposite, was fully aware of everything when he unleashed his wrath thoughtlessly —from what I've heard."

"But I still hurt him," Kai stressed. That was the only thing that mattered to him, that he'd hurt the person he loved —twice.

"And you are sorry for it, aren't you?"

Kai clutched Zane's hand tighter and cried, a shy nod of his head against the pillow. "That's what matters, Kai. That's what makes you different from your dad; you are able to feel remorse, you have a kind heart, you learn from your mistakes."

Zane's words tried to filter into his brain, but Kai wasn't all that sure they managed to reach their destination. If he'd really learned from mistakes this wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't have tried to do whatever he did to Jay. He still shivered as that damn memory slipped past him, was it so bad his mind had blocked all access to it?

"Would you like to speak with Jay?"

"No!" Kai jerked, sitting up nervously, eyes glaring at Zane with terror. "No! I can't!"

Zane sat up and hugged him, his arms meant to sooth Kai but they didn't do much. "Why not?" The blonde asked softly.

"I… I just can't!" He repeated, feeling his whole body shaking at the very idea of coming across the boy. "I can't face him, I know he hates me. How could he not after what I did to him?! I can't see the fear and disgust in his eyes again… I can't…" Kai pulled his knees up against his chest and curled into a ball, Zane's arm still wrapped around him.

"Kai, I won't lie to you. Jay is hurt but… I don't think he feels that way towards you, surely not to the extent you're imagining." Zane whispered into his ear. "If you just spoke to him one minute, you'd see-"

"No! I can't, Zane!" Kai shouted, hot tears in his eyes. His head fell forward, resting on his knees as he cried weakly. "I wouldn't... survive it…"

Zane didn't speak for a while, he just rubbed his hand on Kai's back and kissed his head and shoulders.

"Okay, I won't insist, for now." The royal spouse sighed. "But… you can't stay here forever, Kai. You'll have to come out of the room at some point. The kingdom needs you."

The Maharaja snorted and rubbed a hand over his wet face. "Yeah, sure… I took a couple of days off and nothing crumbled. I'm so necessary…" He commented bitterly, remembering the people strolling peacefully around the streets, unaware of everything that was going on inside these damn pristine walls.

"That is not true. The whole palace has been worried sick about you these days. Nya is a fantastic leader, but she can't do this alone forever." Zane made a pause and Kai's heart squeezed with anxiety, sensing the blonde hadn't finished whatever he was trying to say to him.

"I'm sorry for putting pressure on you," Zane resumed. "But hiding in here will only worsen your condition. You need to come out and go back to your life, you can't let your fears control you. You're stronger than that." Zane squeezed Kai's shoulder with care.

The Maharaja sniffed, rubbing his face several more times as he tried to keep the tears at bay. Zane had a point. Nya hadn't said anything but he could already imagine the chaos the girl had probably gone through and just how many meetings and audiences had been postponed or rescheduled.

"Will you… will you be there, too?" Kai asked his husband.

Zane smiled tenderly and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. "I'll stay by your side for as long as you want me there."

Kai stifled a sob and leaned into the boy. He was terrified at the idea of stepping out of the safety of the royal chamber. But maybe, with Zane by his side, he could pretend he was fine enough to deal with the damn business. He uncurled and hugged Zane's neck with shaky arms.

"Okay," he whispered, "But… only for the meetings and stuff. I… don't want to see him… I can't see him."

••••••••••••

"We should give it more time before they meet again."

Cole looked dumbfounded at Zane's statement. "What?!"

Zane reached a finger to his lips and shushed him, grabbing the doorknob of the spouses' bedroom entrance and closing it to keep their conversation away from their friends' ears.

"Kai is in no state to face Jay at the moment."

"Zane, I'm telling you, if they talked just a moment, everything would go back to its tracks."

"It's not as easy as it looks, Cole. Kai is deeply troubled by all he's put Jay through."

"So? Let them talk. I don't think Jay is all that mad at him, he's just feeling down and maybe he's a little confused yet. If Kai talked to him, I'm sure they would make amends in a flash."

"'If' being the operative word here," Zane remarked dryly.

"I thought you didn't care about 'what if's."

"And I don't, but this situation we are facing shouldn't be taken lightly. Cole, you more than anyone else know how unstable Kai has been these days. He's fighting not only his father's memories, but what he's inherited from those memories as well. He's not ready to take that step yet."

"And when will he be?" Cole asked, exhaustion clear in his voice.

Zane looked lost for a moment, he released a heavy sigh and muttered, "Only time will tell."

The blonde kissed Cole's cheek, opened the door and walked into the chamber, greeting his friends. Cole stared at the boys inside for a moment. Both Lloyd and Jay tried their best to hold on, they were better than that morning, but it was clear their souls were coming apart piece by piece.

Only time will tell. Cole munched the words with annoyance. Sometimes 'Time' was too late...