Into the Abyss

by powerofthebabe

She feels dirty. She feels exhausted. She aches all over. She feels distinctively unlike herself. Because he's taken something. She doesn't know what. But she's numb and she's broken and she doesn't know if there's any coming back from this. Because if there's a heaven, there's a hell and she's surely in it. A/U Peyton/Lucas WARNING- dark subject matter, M for a reason

29. Chapter 29

'Don't let them do this to me. Please don't let them. I don't want to go away'

Karen sighs because those words have escaped the blonde girl before her more than just once in the last hour. She's persistent, scarily so and her demeanour keeps flitting sporadically, emphasising her fragile state of mind. Her repetitiveness doesn't make it easier. Every time she makes her request it tears at the older woman's heart strings.

'Honey' Karen sits on the edge of the hospital bed, her arm draping round Peyton. 'We've been through this hey?'

'You can talk to Dad though' Peyton begins to make her case. 'He listens to you-'

'I have talked to your Dad'

'And told him I can't go? That I need to come home?'

Karen is quick to shake her head and quell whatever hope is beginning to fill the young girl beside her. 'You're not ready to come home'

'I've been in here for three days now! I'm better. There's nothing wrong!'

'They'll discharge you when you're ready. The doctors know what they're doing honey'

'I know what they're doing' She vehemently exhales. 'They're all working together to fill out their stupid paperwork and ensure that I'm sent away to some insane assylum'

'You know that's not what it is'

'What is it?' She looks into Karen's face. Her eyes wide and fierce.

'A psychiatric facility'

'Exactly! I'm not mental!'

'No. But you are mentally unwell' Karen bravely declares. Peyton is quick to shrug off the consoling arm around her then. Lays down and curls onto her side. Karen exhales heavily. '...Your Dad rang me shortly after his meeting with Jules. Right before this happened. We'd decided together before we even knew you'd been bought in that this was the right thing sweetheart'

'Together? You're teaming up against me now' She grumbles into her pillow.

'No darling' She strokes her hand over the blonde's head, cranes over her and leaves a lingering kiss on her forehead before laying down beside her. Peyton melts into her. Craves the touch of a mother. Karen's fingers resume drifting back and forth over her forehead. 'We all love you so much and want to give you the best possible shot of living a normal life. In order to do that we need to get you help'

'I'm getting help' Peyton looks up into her face, her eyes suddenly so childlike.

'Yes. And I'm so, so proud of how amazingly you've been doing but it's not enough...You could've died' Karen's eyes fill as they do every time she thinks about what had occurred just days ago.

'I won't do it again. I won't. I won't. I'll stop now. I will'

'But that's just you saying what you know we all want to hear. You can't stop can you?'

'I can'

'I don't think you can or you would've already. I know you'd do anything for your Dad, for Luke, for any of us. I know you'd have tried to for us already if you could. If anything this has gotten progressively worse hasn't it?'

Peyton sniffles.

'I know you're so tired and scared and none of us can even begin to understand all the things you're feeling, we can't. But honey you're so, so loved and we're not going to just stop fighting for you. Not now not ever...so even if this, this seems unfair or you're thinking this means we're trying to get rid of you please, please try and remember that's not true. We just want to help you. That's all your Dad wants, all Lucas wants, all Brooke wants and all I want'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

She doesn't flinch. He's flinching enough for the both of them. He can't tear his eyes away. Knows he probably should because he's feeling light headed at the sight before him.

The nurse is redressing her arms.

Peyton watches him curiously. Wonders what he's thinking. Thinks he looks as though he's in serious pain. Can't fathom why.

He catches her eye. Hurries over to the bed. Sits. Brushes his hand over her forehead. 'You ok?' He enquires. 'It's nearly done'

She wonders if he's telling himself that because she's not phased in the slightest. Welcomes the stinging sensation that the nurse's endeavours inevitably keep summoning.

'Yes nearly done sweetie' She confirms.

'Is, it's, it looks ok?' His stare flits to the nurse.

'She's gonna be just fine' The lady assures him with a sympathetic smile. 'There. All done sweetie' She announces.

Peyton is still seemingly mute.

'Thank you' Lucas answers the woman's announcement. His stare apologetic. The nurse isn't the slightest bit offended by her patient's silence though. Shakes her head a little.

'You just get your rest and get better missy' She smiles at Lucas one more time before leaving them alone.

He sighs. Rests his head against her pillow so their faces are aligned. '...are you not talking to me now?' He whispers.

He's always drowned in her eyes. They've never looked bigger right now but it's scaring the life out of him. They're blank. Unseeing.

He exhales shakily. 'I know you're mad at me but god Peyton, you really think I was about to stand back and just watch you d-die?' He stutters. Shakes his head. 'I fucking love you...' He stares pleadingly into her eyes. She's not looking at him though. Says nothing for the longest time.

'...we should watch something. Do you have your laptop here?' She eventually mutters. He doesn't answer. His silence has her giving him the eye contact he craves. 'What?'

'What do you mean what? Do you want me to just pretend this isn't happening?'

'What do you want me to say?'

'I don't want you to say anything you don't want to but I, we, I'm not gonna pretend'

Silent tears begin to roll down her cheeks then. They entice his own. '...I can't speak to you' Her voice is barely there but he hears.

He swallows audibly. '...ok. Ok. I get that, that you're feeling things you, you don't want me to know about, that you, you probably don't want to upset any of us but you can talk to someone about it. You can'

'...no I can't. I can't talk to anyone-'

'Jules-'

'I can't talk to anyone' Her voice quivers.

'You, you will feel like you can though. You're not gonna feel like this forever'

'Yes I am'

His nostrils flare. 'I know you, you can't see it right now but it, it's not gonna always be like this and, and you're going to look back at this time at some point and it's going to just be memory. You're going to be happy again'

'No I'm not' She whispers. 'You don't understand' She whispers. 'I'm already dead' Her eyes are glassy. '...you're all going to have to, to accept that'

'No' He disagrees.

'...I'm no different to, to someone that's being kept on life support without any hope of recovering'

'No you're not' His voice wobbles. 'Peyton please, please don't give up. You've got so, so much to live for' He presses her hand to his mouth. Leaves a lingering kiss to her palm 'We're gonna see the world together. We're going to do so many amazing things. And one day we're going to get married and we're going to have a house. And two kids. They'll have your eyes and hair and my stupid nose and squint and you're going to be the most amazing Mum. Remember?'

'You need wrap that dream up in someone else. I can't be any of those things for you anymore'

'That was your dream Peyton. Yours. You told me that one night when we were alone in the Comet...do you remember what I said?' She does. Doesn't say so. 'I told you I was gonna hold you to that and I still am, I still am'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'I know it's scary but she needs more help than talking therapy right now-'

'She doesn't want that' Lucas shakes his head. Everything feels like it's spiralling. He has no control. He wants control. He wants a say in what's happening here but nobody seems to be concerned with what he wants.

'No. She's made that known previously but would you say she's of a sound mind right now?' Jules calmly questions.

'No' He admits.

'So whilst she's made it apparent what she doesn't want I don't think she has the ability to make those calls right now. This doesn't have to be forever. Sometimes patients are on them for a couple of years and come off them. What works for one person isn't the same for someone else'

Lucas rubs the back of his neck. Looks at Larry. '...I know Luke' The older man nods. 'I know' He too is tortured by this.

'She's been forced to do so many things' Lucas mumbles. Karen's hand settles on her son's back then. 'And now we're going to drug her just like he did?'

'Not like he did honey' Karen coos. 'We're not trying to hurt her. We're trying to help her and right now this isn't even a choice' Lucas gulps. 'She can't go on this way and neither can all of us. They want to try and use the antidepressants to help her mood and then hopefully she'll be in a better place to continue with all the talking therapy she's been having. Right Jules?'

'Right. Her blood work is all back and there's no other issues at play here. No thyroid problems. No hormone imbalance'

'What does that mean?'

'It just means we can rule out treating any other interfering factors that can be playing with her mood. Her depression has been triggered by obvious reasons. I feel confident in making the assumption that she's not going to be able to focus on a treatment plan with us until we have her a little more stable and level headed. She's adamant she doesn't want to live in any capacity right now. I'm hoping through medication we can help her rationalise better and see all the progress she's been making...I know this makes you nervous Lucas but I really wouldn't be pushing this if I didn't think it was completely necessary'

'...but what, what if it has adverse effects? I've looked up antidepressants. They can make you feel suicidal! How is that even a thing?! If you're already suicidal what help is that?!'

'Different medications can result in many different side effects' Jules nods. 'And it's impossible to say how anyone will react but we'll be monitoring her closely. It takes time to fully evaluate their effectiveness. What you're saying is true but she's already on suicide watch right now. She already feels that way and if we suspect that her meds are heightening those feelings we'll trial a different drug. The most common side effect with the medication we're wanting to start her out on is drowsiness. But it's temporary. Considering her current fatigue I suspect we'll not see a huge difference in her energy levels'

Lucas lowers himself into a seat. Suddenly can't stand for a moment more. He's tired. Unlike Peyton he's finding sleep more than hard to come by. His head is pounding.

'So...so she's gonna be put on this drug and then before we even know if it's helping she's gonna be whisked away to this facility'

'Her Doctors aren't going to discharge her until after the weekend at the earliest but yes, the intention is to get her there as soon as possible so we can get her settled and into a routine' Jules hums. 'I know it might seem absurd but routine is going to play a key part in helping her right now'

'A regimented affair. Lock her up. Tell her what she can and can't do. What she can and can't eat. What she can and can't wear' Lucas shakes his head. 'You're tormenting her in exactly the same way as him!'

'It's not the same Luke' Karen begs him to see sense. 'You know it's not the same'

'I completely understand why you're concerned about those things but if anything I know she's going to find comfort in rules. She's feeling so out of control right now' Jules glances at Karen's anguished face before hesitantly squatting down before Lucas. 'Lucas nobody is the enemy here. We're all on your side. You can't help her alone. I know you must be feeling helpless and frustrated. I know that you've been so committed to helping her. This is going to help her. You're not letting her down by letting us take control of her recovery'

His nostrils flare. '...so...so you really still think she can...recover?'

'I'm not giving up on her. Not now. Not ever. Just like I know everyone in this room hasn't. Including you'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

He's surprised she doesn't fight it. Surprised when she submissively does as she's told. Swallows the tablet.

'It's not forever' Brooke coos once they're left alone.

'It's just to help you feel better' Larry agrees.

She doesn't say anything. Her speaking has become a rarity in recent days.

'Hales and Nate wrote you a card P' Brooke rifles in her bag for said card. 'You wanna open it?' She extends the envelope but as anticipated doesn't get a response. Brooke goes about opening it for her. Is relieved to find it's not a Get Well card despite that being what it essentially is. 'It's one of your drawings' Brooke murmurs. Shows the handmade card to Lucas instead.

'I've always loved that one' He smiles because it's a drawing of himself with the blonde.

'...why does everyone always go through my stuff?'

They're all surprised by her hoarse mumble. 'Cause these shouldn't be in bloody box hiding from the world is why' Brooke chirps back. 'It says, To our beautiful friend, Peyton. We're thinking of you every moment of every day. You're the bravest person we know. We know there's no words we can say but please know we love you and are grateful that you're going to get the help you need. All our love, Hales, Nate and Jamie' She stands the card on the side.

'That's nice hey Sweetheart?' Larry coos.

Her head moves minutely in answer, none of them are sure whether it is agreement or disagreement.

'I don't know that Peyton feels like you clambering all over her Lil' Karen is struggling to keep the toddling infant away from the bed as she keeps reaching up to the bed. Stomping her little feet with a demand of "Up, Up"

Unlike his mother, Lucas isn't eager to keep his sister away. Is eager to ignore Peyton's despondence. He hoists her up on the bed.

Lily grins in success and looks at her Mother in triumph. 'Oh you're getting cheeky Lily Scott' Karen tuts. She giggles gleefully and crawls further up the bed.

'Up!' She chants again, little hands pawing at Peyton this time.

Peyton sighs.

'Uh, up'

'Give Peyton snuggles baby' Karen hums.

The little girl flings herself on Peyton then and pats her back as her mother does when she's trying to get her off to sleep.

Peyton exhales again but her arms go around the little figure that's draped over her. Pulls her further up the bed so their faces are all but touching.

'Hi' Lily puffs out her cherub cheeks and smiles.

Peyton silently thinks her hair has grown in the last week alone. Has also noted the words she's saying that she wasn't last time she saw her. Hi being her new found favourite.

'Hi' She bleats again with a giggle.

'Hi Lily' Peyton relents as Lily's small hands clutch at the blonde's cheeks.

'You would've laughed at her this morning honey. She got into a right mess with the paints'

'Pain'

'Yes you were painting weren't you?' Karen brushes her hand over her daughter's forehead. 'She's getting into everything...she's been missing you'

Peyton's stare trails up to look at Karen then.

Karen widens her eyes in answer. Can read exactly what she's thinking. 'Yes she has. She keeps taking me over to the window and I know it's cause she thinks you're meant to rock up' Karen elaborates. 'Plus she likes to sing "Pey, Pey"' As if on cue the little girl does just that. 'If that isn't a little girl that loves you what is?' Karen laughs at the way her youngest child has tilted her head back in song, her hands still pressing into Peyton's cheeks. 'What're you like Lily bug? Are you happy you got your Peyton hugs in' She burrows closer to Peyton then. Yawns. 'She's missed her nap'

'Are you tired Lily?' Peyton whispers. Brushes the messy mop of brown curls back from the flushed little face looking up at her.

'Nigh Nigh'

'Night night?' Peyton murmurs back. Watches the big brown eyes droop most suddenly. She yawns again. Her eyes close.

'How do you do that?' Karen complains. 'You seriously have a way of hypnotising her. She screamed bloody murder for an hour because she didn't want to go to sleep this morning. You're like the baby whisperer'

'Baby borer you mean' Peyton mumbles.

'Nope you're always getting her to go to sleep'

'She was overtired that's all' Peyton dismisses.

'Well whatever it is, I'm going to go find a cup of tea for a minute if you're alright with her?' It's not a question. Not really. She's taking a leaf out of Lucas's book.

'Mm. I'll come with you' Larry is on his feet. 'You three want anything?' They all decline but know the two parents are going to return with an array of snacks and refreshments.

'She's so freaking cute' Brooke declares after a beat. 'Look at her little chubby legs'

'Are you getting broody B?' Peyton wonders.

Brooke cocks her head. 'Hell to the no'

Lucas is eager to change the subject because he's scared the topic could inadvertently lead to her thinking about many undesirable things. Often finds himself wondering if she thinks about the miscarriage. The child that could've potentially been here by now.

'Mum's right about how much she loves you' His hand is on her upper arm, trails back and forth. He's been overly touchy in recent days. Something that's not gone unnoticed by anyone. Brooke keeps biting her tongue to stop herself blurting out that he needs to quit stroking her already. He can't help it. She knows that. Knows their friend's lack of words have been hardest on him. That she's been the hardest on him through this. The few words she has surrendered have usually been insults fired at him.

'...you have to protect her'

His hand stops with it's caresses then.

'What does that mean?'

'It means what it means'

'Because I didn't protect you?'

Brooke grimaces. Suddenly wishes she'd opted to join Larry and Karen.

'That's not what I said'

'Isn't it?'

'No. She's got her whole life ahead of her-'

'So have you. You're gonna be here to see her life' He knows exactly what she's saying. Doesn't need her to spell it out. It doesn't matter that he knows she's unwell. With sleep deprivation comes impatience and anger.

She gazes at the child. Wonders what she'll do. Who she'll be. What she'll look like. What she'll like. What she won't.

'I don't want to be a part of her life'

Lucas swallows.

'Don't say that' Brooke intervenes. 'You love her. You can't say you don't. We all see how you are with her. I've been bloody jealous of how much you love her' She tries to crack a joke. It's not altogether untrue. She's wondered why the infant has managed to break down the blonde's wall more so than perhaps any of them.

'Even more reason for me not wanting her to have anything to do with me' Peyton mumbles.

'Fine' Lucas abruptly gets up and moves around the bed. 'You want to push the one year old away just like all of us fine'

'What're you doing?' Peyton's arms tighten around the sleeping little girl.

'What? I might as well take her away now right if you don't give a shit'

'Luke' Brooke exhales.

'You want to hold her and say one last goodbye? You don't get to say goodbye to her cause it's not goodbye! She's named after you. You're her role model whether you like it or not and she's gonna worship the floor you walk on, already does! You don't get a choice in that'

His raised voice make's Lily stir. She whines in protest at the unwelcome disturbances.

'Shh...shhh' Peyton's husk is successful in consoling her.

'Please...please stop' His rage is gone in all of a second. He resorts to begging. 'You, you're either not talking at all or talking like you're gonna try and kill yourself at any given second. I can't handle it' His hands are in his hair. Shakes his head wildly. 'I can't'

'Luke' Brooke wraps her arm around him because he's falling apart before her very eyes and she knows her best friend isn't in a place to reassure him. She wants to say so many things to him but she's not going to give him a pep talk in front of Peyton. It'll have to wait.

Peyton doesn't say anything, is preoccupied with Lily. Leaves a lingering kiss to her forehead. Is doing what Lucas just demanded she didn't. She's saying goodbye.

'...you can take her now'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

He startles awake.

Larry and Karen had argued with him about staying the night here. They'd finally surrendered when it became apparent he wasn't going to give in. He couldn't leave. Not, knowing that tomorrow she'd be discharged from the hospital only to be admitted to another health facility. One where he wouldn't be permitted to see her until they felt she was ready. He couldn't be apart from her when these were their last few hours.

'Peyton?'

She's sitting upright. Despite the hospital curtains the light from the hall still illuminates the room. He groggily shifts closer to the bed. Reaches for her hand. 'You ok?'

Her hand snatches away. She's suddenly speaking.

'Just let me go home'

It's a broken whisper. He swallows thickly. 'You can't go home yet. You're not well en-'

'Please. Y-you can't do this. You k-know you can't. Th-there's going to b-be people l-looking for me a-and wh-when they f-find me, y-you'll be t-taken away. They'll put y-you in prison'

His brow furrows. 'What?'

'The police, they'll find me-'

'Peyton-'

'Where am I?!'

'The hospital. You're in the hospital'

'I'm meant to be at prom... with my friends. With Luke'

'Peyton I'm right here' The knot in his stomach tightens.

She's half out the bed now. Is backing away like she's being approached. 'You can't keep me here!'

'Peyton you're in the hospital' He repeats. It's apparent to him that she's not with him. He's confused. Isn't sure if she's sleep walking, hallucinating or what.

'I won't tell anyone. Just let me go and no one needs to know. We'll just forget about it'

He cautiously moves around the bed. She's cowering near the wall. Her disjointed words become harder to decipher.

He presses the emergency button above her bed because he doesn't know what else to do. It's apparent she's having a conversation, well not a conversation. It's more like she's pleading for her release. He can't hear what she's hearing though. Can't see what she's seeing. Can only see her. Hear her.

'Peyton!' He exclaims because she's all but just thrown herself on the floor and a screeching noise is sounding from her. An alarming sound that he's never heard her make. It's like there really is another force in the room with them. Her hands are clawing at thin air as she tries to pull away from the ghostly presence that appears to be holding her ankles. She kicks free.

'Peyton!' She's deaf to Lucas's desperate voice.

He watches her wide eyed. He's never seen anything like this before. It's like she's possessed. Like she really believes someone is in the room with them. She's on her back now. Her hands are at her sides and her whole body is arching as she struggle's to break free from the invisible being that seemingly has her restrained.

It's like she's playing out some god awful memory. Like her body has every moment of it recorded.

'Wait, just wait, please' She gasps. 'We, we can just, just not yet. Please! I'm not ready'

His face crumples. 'Peyton' He's on the floor but daren't touch her. 'You're not there, you're not. You're in the hospital. You're with me. You're with Lucas. He's not here. I promise he's not here. It's just you and me. Come back to me. Look at me'

Her bottom lip is quivering. Her eyes staring unseeing. And then she's gasping noisily. Her body jarring against the floor.

The lump in the back of his throat can't be contained. He's not going to ever be able to rid his mind of the image of her. Of the look on her face. It's shock. Pain. Despair.

He wants it all to stop. Doesn't know how to make it stop. Doesn't know why it's taking so bloody long for an on duty nurse or Doctor to appear.

He's concerned about her arms. Blood is seeping through the dressing on her right arm and he can only assume she's ripped a stitch.

She's shuddering. Her limbs trembling.

He braves touching her face.

Her head twists into the floor. A noise of disgust passing her lips. His fingers retract in an instant.

He lays down beside her. Presses his cheek against the hard floor with her. Desperately wants to draw her back.

Her breathing is staggered. Her upper body is rigid and yet her lower half is rocking and he wants to stop it. Wants to press her hips to the floor. Wants to stop the god awful torture she's enduring.

He's felt helpless so many times over the course of her disappearance. Over the days since she was found. But it's just reached a pinnacle.

Eventually her body stills most abruptly.

'Peyton' He whispers. She blinks. He's hopeful that she can hear him. But if she can she makes no signs of such. 'It's over' He hoarsely exhales. He's still too scared to touch her. Too scared that he'll be confused with the man she's been convinced is in the room. It's not over though. He knows that much when her shaking hand descends. Tugs her gown up. Disappears between her legs. He hastily sits up. 'Peyton' Her fingers withdraw and she's suddenly inspecting them like there's something on them. 'Peyton look at me' He begs. A tear races down his cheek because she's muttering to herself that she's going to be ok. That it's going to be ok but her face is crumpled in distress and then she's abruptly scrambling to her knees and throwing up.

'Fuck' He curses and lurches to scrape her hair back. Instinctively rubs her back.

'Get off!' Her voice growls between retching.

He does. Immediately. And then the medical staff he'd summoned what feels like an age ago finally appear. One of them knocks a tray and the loud clatter is what seemingly brings her too.

Lucas watches it happen. Watches her head jerk around the room in confusion. Watches her hands frantically look beneath the ruched up fabric to her legs '...but...but...there...blood. There was'

He swallows. 'It's ok'

Her stare is on him then and he knows she's actually seeing him. '...oh god don't look at me right now'

'Peyton' He shakes his head and dares to approach her despite her evident distress at his presence. 'I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy!'

'You're not crazy' Lucas murmurs. 'It wasn't happening now. I know it happened but it wasn't just now' He coaches. He's not touched her since she'd barked that he get off but dares to let his hand settle on her back. The hospital gown she's wearing is damp with sweat.

She blinks. '...I'm so sorry-'

'You don't need to be sorry' He sternly disagrees.

A nurse is wiping her chin. 'Do you still feel sick honey?'

Her brow furrows. 'Sick'

'You just threw up'

'What's happening?' She looks so frightened and confused.

'I, I think you were having a flashback or something' Lucas utters. She slumps against him and he's grateful when she's suddenly seeking out his touch, grapples onto him. His arms loop around her and then she's hysterically crying. 'I've got you. It's over. I've got you'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'I want her off them! Now' Lucas barks.

'Lucas-'

'You didn't see her! You weren't there! She was seeing things! She thought she was back there-'

'Hallucinations and drowsiness can be a side effect but she's not been on the medication long enough for us to access their effectiveness. We need her to be on them consistently for a few weeks for them to build in her system and-'

'She was begging him to stop. I can't, I can't have her dealing with that' He shakes his head. 'For her it was happening all over again!'

'Luke listen to the-'

'No! He was raping her! I know that's what was happening! And for her it was real! She could feel it all! She threw up! She told me that's what happened after the first time he did that to her! I know that's what she was living through again!'

Larry swallows thickly before turning his back on the riled boy before him. Is choked by the morbid picture being painted.

'I know that must've been hard to witness but she's calmer this morning and can't seem to recall the episode-'

'Because your team came in and sedated her!' Lucas snaps. 'Where's Jules?'

'Whilst Peyton is in this hospital we're her official Doctors. She's being discharged this afternoon and when she's transferred and admitted at the new facility she'll be appointed another Doctor. Together with her therapists they'll be keeping a close eye on her medication and taking over her care. If she keeps having episodes they may decide to try a different drug but I'm sure they'd tell you the same thing- it's far too early to be able to comment on their effectiveness'

'Larry tell him!' Lucas pleads.

The quiet man slowly turns back. 'I know you're upset Luke' He nods. 'I'm upset. But I, I'm trusting in these Doctors because I don't see another alternative right now' He swallows. 'They're not going to let her suffer-'

'She was suffering last night! You weren't here! But Ian fucking Banks was! He was in your daughter's room, forcing her to the floor, raping her-'

'Enough' Larry cuts off. 'I nearly lost my daughter a week ago. I'm not prepared to do that so whatever they advise is what's happening here' He tersely answers. Sighs. 'I'm sorry, I know it was awful. I know you're exhausted. I don't want us to spend our last couple of hours with her arguing about this'

Lucas sighs. '...I don't want that either'

'So let's just, just go and be with her' Larry murmurs. He's beside Lucas now. Rests his hand on his back. 'We need to let them do their job kid'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

She's been mute all morning.

Lucas can't bear it. Keeps wondering if she's actually there with them. If she's seeing things again.

'Peyton' He's holding her hand. 'Please' He whispers. 'They, they're going to...' he swallows. 'You're gonna go soon. Please talk to me' She stays staring out ahead of her. 'I know you can do this. We all know you're going to do this' He mumbles. It lacks little conviction. Is more like a desperate plea for her to get through this because the alternative isn't an option. 'I'm going to come see you the second I'm allowed ok?'

'Honey' Larry implores. He too like Lucas is struggling to come to terms with her silence. Wants her to say goodbye. Needs her to acknowledge them leaving.

Unlike the rest of the room Brooke seems to have accepted that her best friend is going to remain silent.

That they're not going to get a goodbye.

She sits on the side of the bed. Interlinks their hands. Slips off the ring that sits on her right index finger and fits it onto the blonde's hand instead. Has to put it on the middle finger because it's too big on her preferred digit. 'You can give it back to me in six weeks' She murmurs. 'They're going to help you in ways we can't P. And you can hate us as much as you like but you're gonna go and you're gonna get yourself better. For Luke. For Larry. For Karen. For Lily. And for me' Her tone is stern and then she's leaving a lingering kiss to Peyton's cheek. 'I love you'.

It's only twenty minutes later that Jules arrives to chaperone Peyton away.

Brooke doesn't want to watch her be taken off but she stays nonetheless because the tears that have been brewing in Lucas's eyes are inevitable. She holds him as he falls apart. Puts all her concentration into being there for him because it's all she can do for her best friend right now. Knows it's all Peyton would want.

'She's coming back. She's coming back'

'You c-can't promise me th-that'

'No I can't' She's all but sitting in his lap as she embraces him tightly on the hospital floor. 'But she's not being given a choice Luke. She has to whether she likes it or not right now and she, she'll be grateful eventually because she, she's got a whole life with you that she's going to live'

'She h-hates me'

'She doesn't hate you'

'She wouldn't even, even look at me!'

'She's ill'

'I can't l-live without her'

'You don't need to Luke. Please don't...' She swallows thickly. 'Don't give up on her now when you haven't, haven't for a single second. You, you've not allowed us to so I won't let you either' He holds her tightly. 'We have to be strong for her. If she survived Ian Banks she's definitely going to survive this. You know she can do this. You know she's stronger than all of us. She needs us to keep it together Luke'

He nods. Holds her for a long time. Clings onto her fiercely and she holds him right back. She contemplates their intimate position after a little while. Thinks most would probably think it inappropriate but she knows they both know what this is. Knows this is nothing other than two friends trying to comfort one another. Depending on each other.

He continues to depend on her in the weeks that follow. She's the only one that can understand his plight. The only one that knows. And she's the closest he can get to his incarcerated girlfriend.

'Have you taken Jules up on her offer yet?' Brooke wonders one day. She's draped over the bleachers. The sun is beating down on her. Her eyes closed as she basks in it's warm rays.

'...don't you start'

'What?' She opens one eye. He's been shooting a ball at the basket for the last ten minutes. Keeps cursing every time he misses which is more often than not.

'Mum is on my back constantly'

'Someone has to be. She loves you'

'Not disputing that. Fuck' He tosses the ball angrily. It lands a distance away in the middle of the greenery that surrounds them.

'It's not the ball's fault you suck' She slyly husks.

He squints. 'Trying to make me feel better?'

She sits up then. 'You're making me dizzy. Just sit the fuck down'

'I'm practicing'

'No. You're getting angrier and angrier every time you miss'

'I don't know why I can't make a decent shot'

'Cause you've not played in forever and cause you're stressed and angry' Brooke shrugs. 'Not exactly rocket science buddy. Maybe talking to Jules will help with your basket ball skills at the very least'

'Peyton needs Jules'

'Has Jules. You talking to her isn't going to take her away from Peyton Luke'

'Are you talking to anyone?' He sits down beside her, his stare accusing.

'No. But I am considering it. I think it might help'

He sighs. '...Am I really that crazy?'

'No. I think you're bloody amazing but Jesus, anybody that's been through what you have needs to talk to someone-'

'I've not been through anything-'

'Oh no, nothing at all' Brooke rolls her eyes. 'Don't be an idiot'

'I'm fine. All I need is for her to be better and everything will be fine'

'Right. But it's not as simple as that is it? She couldn't just come back and be herself. You knew that from the beginning. You can't do what she did and just expect everything to go back to normal once she's out of there Luke. It's not going to be as easy as that and you owe it to yourself and her to make sure you're as healthy as possible'

'Ok, ok' He frowns. 'I'll talk to Jules'

Brooke smiles. 'Good...I just want you to stop blaming yourself and don't tell me you're not cause I know you are'

'...I love her and she's in indescribable pain' He exhales shakily.

'...yeah' Brooke takes his hand. 'And because we love her that means we feel a part of that too Luke. It's ok for you to say that. Julian keeps telling me it's ok for me to admit I'm finding this all unbearable'

'...I'm glad you've got him to talk to. I'm sorry I...I know I've been putting a lot on you lately and you're not getting it back-'

'You help me. You don't have to thank me'

'...I do. You're amazing. I hope he knows how lucky he is-'

'Me and Julian are just...friends'

'Sure you are'

'I don't really think I can handle anymore than that right this second but it...I like him'

'Don't hold yourself back from him if it feels right. Hold on with two hands tight'

She smiles sadly. 'She held on tight Luke. If she hadn't have we would've found her dead'

His nostrils flare. '...I keep having the same nightmare that she's dead. I...I see him raping her and she's begging me to make it stop and then his hands are round her neck and she's within reach but no matter how hard I try to help her I can't touch her...'

'You need to talk to Jules' Brooke reiterates yet again. '...you did save her Lucas. You did'

'You saved her'

'I turned up yes. I helped yes. But the reason I knew where you were, the reason I was there was because you'd given me the clues. You'

'...it, it's not like I, I needed it to be me it's just I feel like I...I've let her down in so many ways'

'I know. Me too. But we haven't. We haven't. We're human and we did everything we could when she wasn't here and we've done everything we can to help her since she got back'

'I know. I know'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

It goes impossibly slow for him.

For her it's different.

It's somehow both slow and fast.

The beginning is a bit of a blur in her mind. Days had been long but sleep had made them pass. Reality had been hard to grasp. Intense dreams and flashbacks had plagued her. Her sense of what was real and what her mind was creating had been hard to decipher between.

But the team of people around her had helped her get a grip on things. Had helped her distinguish between what was real and not. Routine had been key in helping her identify fact from fiction. Had helped her feel safe. Helped her feel more stable. Helped her feel in control. The drugs had acclimatised in her body now. Her mind felt a little less foggy than it had in the beginning. She was by no means ok but she could recognise that she felt considerably more like herself than she had in a long, long time. At the very least she could acknowledge that she'd not been well. That all was not well in her mind.

She watches him. Her stomach is in knots. Has been for the last couple of days because she's nervous. How couldn't she be? She'd already seen Larry. Guilt had been the main emotion bubbling in her chest when she'd been deemed a visit from her father. This is different. This isn't just guilt. It's remorse. Anger. Sadness. Love. And it's a lot for her to contend with. Especially right now. She's vulnerable. So very vulnerable but she's trying not to be. Trying to be strong.

His eyes skitter around the room. He's nervous too. She can tell. Doesn't want him to be nervous.

She edges away from the far wall. She's been trying to give everyone else privacy. Trying to not eavesdrop on their conversations as they converse with loved ones.

His stare finds her as she ventures toward him.

His eyes light up.

'Hi'

'Hi' He can't contain his smile. Hurries forward and then comes to an abrupt halt before her. Wants to take her in his arms. Hesitates.

'You can touch me'

He doesn't miss a beat, arms snaking round her. She closes her eyes, melts into his embrace, inhales that smell that's all him. He doesn't let go. Can't. Not when everyday has revolved around her. On wondering whether she's ok. On wondering if she hates him. Blames him. Will never talk to him again.

'Luke?' She eventually murmurs into his shoulder.

'Sorry, sorry' He eases back. 'Sorry I just, I've not seen you in...'

'I know' She nods once. Tries to smile.

'You look beautiful'

'That's a lie. I'm in sweatpants and a tee'

'It's not a lie, you look well in your face'

'Are you trying to say I've put on weight?'

'Would that be a bad thing?' He wonders because she has put on weight. It's more than evident in her cheeks.

'I guess in my case no' She smiles. 'They monitor everything you eat in here. You can't leave the table until you've had what's deemed enough'

He swallows. Already knew that she'd be going through that kind of strict regimented affair. He's researched every little thing he can about the facility she's staying at. Knows everything there is to know. And yet hearing it from her own lips has a knot forming in his stomach because he doesn't want this for her. Doesn't want her to have to follow rules. Not when all her choices have been governed for her in so many dreadful ways. '...do you find it hard to eat what's deemed enough?'

'In the beginning I did. I didn't realise how little I've been eating. I know that won't be news to you though'

'...no' He nods. 'But it, it's easier for you to eat more normally now?'

'Yeah I, I don't think I really think about it'

'That's so good'

She smiles. 'Yeah...do you want to sit down over here?'

'Oh, yeah' He nods so enthusiastically that it has her shaking her head a little and him smiling. 'Sorry I'm just so... I miss you'

She looks at him through her lashes as she sits down in an arm chair. He wishes she'd opted for the sofa. Wants to be as close as possible. '...I don't know how' She mumbles.

'What? Of course I do!'

'I know' She shakes her head. 'I didn't say I don't believe you. I just don't understand how because I've been such a nightmare'

'You're not a nightmare'

'Luke' She smiles and softly tilts her head. 'Your head is gonna come off in a minute' She comments on his vigorous movements.

'Sorry. It's cause they told me to be calm and not too full on because it'll be too overwhelming for you and I'm being just that because I'm trying not to be' He rambles.

Everything about him right now is out of character and his eyes keep darting around the visitors room. 'Let me guess' She murmurs. 'Did Jane tell you that?'

His brow arches. 'The lady with big hair and glasses?'

'Yup. She's not my favourite. Ignore her. Even all the staff hate her' She murmurs.

'It's not very professional if staff are commenting on other colleagues to you-'

'They're not' She bats her hand. 'I just know'

'...you always were good at reading people'

'Maybe' She admits. Doesn't think the always part is true. If that were true she wouldn't be sat here now because she'd have known Ian Banks wasn't who he said he was. But through his strict training she thinks she has become even better at reading people. 'Don't listen to Jane. You don't have to be anything but you around me'

He nods. 'I know. Sorry I'm being weird'

'It's just me'

'I know'

'...How are you?'

'Fine, fine. Good'

'I don't believe you Lucas Scott' She rocks her head back and forth slowly.

'I'm fine'

'Ok' She doesn't push it. 'I'm not though so I don't think you can be' He hesitates. Blinks. 'What?'

'It's just, I know it sounds crazy but god it's good to hear you admit that'

'Not crazy...I've been a lot of hard work'

'No you haven't' He disagrees.

'Yes I have. I've been a nightmare. I don't need you to agree. I'm sorry though. I've put you through so much and-'

'Peyton' Lucas intervenes. 'You don't need to ever be sorry'

'But I am'

'I am too. About everything, about-'

'We don't need to talk about that' She preempts where this conversation is headed. Isn't ready to talk about the day she'd tried to kill herself 'I don't think we should right now at least'

'No. Sorry'

'Don't be sorry'

'...do, is there somewhere we can go where it's just us?' He wonders. He keeps catching the girl to the right of them staring. Is finding their audience unsettling. He has so much to say and so many questions.

'I've not reached that point yet'

'That point?' His brow furrows.

'When you're really advanced you get to graduate to having private visitations' Her voice has a sudden familiar drawl, laced with a disdain for authority. 'Lucky me'

'Sorry I didn't know'

'Apparently I might do something real reckless like try and jump your bones or try and convince you to smuggle me out or smuggle me drugs in or find a weapon and try and stab you'

'What? That's ridiculous. That's what they told you?'

'No. It's just a few of the things that I've heard happening during private visits though. So I guess not so ridiculous'

'Well with you it is'

'Is it?' She smiles. 'I think I've been capable of all of those' She ponders. 'Not the last one though' She corrects. 'I'd never stab you'

'Why thanks' He smiles back.

'Have you decided what college you're going to yet?' She changes the subject of their conversation. He rubs the back of his neck. She knows by that movement alone that the answer is no. That he's not even been considering anything of the sort. 'Please don't say you've been doing nothing but worry about me'

'No' He shakes his head.

She rolls her eyes. 'You're a terrible liar. That doesn't make me feel good Luke'

'I'm sorry. But I can't help it. If I've not made it apparent I love you' He lowers his voice because he doesn't want anyone hearing words that are only for her and her alone. 'Of course I'm gonna be thinking about you'

'Well think about me wanting you to sort out your life. You need to enrol. I know Hales. She probably has everything set up'

'I'm not going away right now. I'll look into an online school option-'

'No. Lucas please' She whines. 'I'm in here anyway-'

'You're not gonna be in here forever and I'm allowed to visit you now-'

'You've already put your life on hold enough for me-'

'It's not me putting my life on hold when you are my life'

She closes her eyes. 'Don't say that...nobody is responsible for another person's life'

'I didn't mean it like that. I meant, I just meant I love you and if you think college is more important than you to me-'

Her eyes open. 'If I'm most important then sort out college. You going to college is the most important thing to me'

He licks his lips. Hesitates. '...I'll look into it'

She stares at him. 'Don't just say shit to shut me up Lucas Scott'

'I'm not. I promise' She squints at him for a moment. 'I promise' He affirms.

'...ok'

'Do you want to do that?'

'What?'

'College?'

She scrapes her hand through her hair. '...I don't know. Somedays I think about it...it was never the plan for me though'

'Plans can change'

'...yes. I don't know what I want right now'

'That's ok, we'll figure it out'

She chews on the inside of her cheek. Is suddenly hit with a wave of overwhelming sadness. Tries to shake it off because she doesn't want to start crying in front of him. She's sure her Dad has relayed what an emotional wreck she'd abruptly turned into when he'd visited just a couple of days ago. She's not doing that again. Not now. Not with Lucas.

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'How was seeing Lucas?'

She curls her feet up onto the sofa. Stays like that for a moment before sighing and shifting onto her back with her feet flat on the cushions, legs bent with knees facing up to the ceiling. '...nice'

'Nice?' Jules watches her. 'That's not the most convincing of answers'

'I know' Peyton looks up at the ceiling. 'It was nice. Just, not now I imagined'

'We talked about your expectations last time'

'Yeah. I think I wasn't honest with you or myself. I think I'd built up this idealistic version of what would happen. Of how I'd feel'

'How did you feel?'

'...I mean it was lovely to see him. He's all I think about, you know that. But at the same time just...sad and guilty'

'Why do you think you felt sad'

'He was awkward and he clearly hasn't been doing anything since I've been in here. I hate that he's just out there waiting. Before I, before Ian took me he had all these big plans and dreams and it's like those have evaporated and his main priority is me. Is looking after me and I don't...I really hate that. I don't want to be looked after. Least of all by him. We never had that kind of sexist relationship you know? We were equals. We split the bill on dinners. He leaned on my shoulder as much as I did his. But now...now I know if we did anything I'd be wanting him to take the lead. I'd be dependant on him doing things for me and he, he'd do it because he's desperate to look after me'

'Have you told him how you feel?'

'I told him I want him to sort out college. He said he'd look into it but I bet he'll choose the nearest place and he wouldn't have done that before'

'We've talked a lot about how you feel differently about things compared to a couple of years ago. Have you considered that Luke might feel differently now too?'

'...I know that. I hate that. It's all because of me-'

'It's not because of you. It might be a consequence of what happened to you but it's not something you're at fault of'

'...I just want him to be happy. It's all I want'

'And you think going to college will make him happy'

'He's so amazing at writing. It'd be such a waste for him to just give that up and he, he's gonna need a job. We can't depend on our parents forever'

'No. Maybe he'd prefer having writing as a hobby. A lot of kids don't wind up doing anything to do with what they studied at college Peyton'

'...I know. I just don't want to be the reason he doesn't do things that he intended to. I want him to figure that out for himself and I think...'

'You think?'

'I think as long as he's with me he's going to put me before everything...he, he use to view his education and his dreams as something that was important for the both of us. That him having those and me being there beside him to see him succeed and fail were...'

'Were?'

'I don't know. Fundamental to everything. To us being happy. To us creating a life that was...full I guess...he's written a book. He was going to let me read it before...I don't know what he's done with it though. If it's on his computer he'd hidden it so I couldn't find it'

'And you didn't ask him?'

'...no. I know he doesn't want me to see it'

'How do you know that?'

'Because he thinks it will upset me'

'How do you know he thinks that?'

'I just do' She sighs. 'He's probably right. I know I'm in it. I know he's written about me but a me that is a whole lot different to me now'

'But you then is part of who you are now. Will always be a part of you. It's your history and it's something to be celebrated'

'...I guess rationally. But I just feel sad that I don't get to be her anymore'

'Peyton you can be whoever you want'

'...I know...I really want to hurt myself right now' She blurts and suddenly sits up right.

Jules rises and walks over to the sofa. Sits. Hand goes around the blonde.

'I don't want to be here. I don't. I want Luke to be with someone better than me' She nods. 'I can't come back from this. I can't. I'll never be normal' Her eyes are glassy.

'Honey everything you're feeling right now is understandable but it's going to go away. You've felt like this before and it's passed hasn't it?'

'Maybe it didn't. Maybe it's always going to just be simmering beneath the surface and I've been able to keep it at bay recently cause, cause I'm not around any of them. I, it's easier not to think about things I don't want to. It's easy when I'm being told exactly what to do. Get up. Eat. Therapy. Group. Eat. Therapy. Free time. Eat. Sleep.'

'Right. It's only natural that you feel overwhelmed with seeing the people you love again. It's only natural that you have bad days. Everybody has good and bad days. It's always really good for patients to have a stint of time away from the people in their lives in a controlled environment so you can just concentrate on you but you can't hide from them forever. You're ready to start dealing with things that are scary and you're going to feel up and down as we help you adjust to making choices for yourself because you are ready to do that. You are. But I'm not going anywhere'

She chews on the inside of her cheek. '...I feel like I can't think for myself. The second I do that I wind up at wanting to kill myself'

'Which is why you're not ready to leave treatment yet'

'...I need to split up with him don't I?' She abruptly asks.

Jules' brow raises '...is that what you want?'

'I just, I don't...I don't know' Peyton presses her hands together.

'Do you still love him?'

'...of course but not...I don't have that feeling' She whispers.

'What feeling?'

'...I don't want him to kiss me or touch me like intimately...I... The idea of that repulses me and I...I know before I was saying many things that probably seem the complete opposite, especially to him but it was all...' She sighs. 'I was just trying to be what he wants. I didn't want it to be true but it is...that's not normal is it? I'm meant to want him in that way'

'After everything you've been through it's more than normal. Despite not giving your consent you were forced to have sex again and again. It's only natural that you feel differently' Jules coos. 'You need time to heal'

'What if I don't ever, ever want it again?'

'That's ok' Jules shrugs. 'You can still live a full and happy life without that'

'It's not normal though'

'What's normal? What's right for one person isn't right for another. Everybody lives their lives differently. Every body gets joy from different things. Who's to say who's right or wrong?' Jules wonders. 'My kid gets up at 5am to go training. I think she's fucking crazy but when I see her playing a game of Netball her eyes are lit up. She's alive in a way that I only see when she's on a court. There's no way in hell I want to do what she does but I know it's right for her'

'Netball and sex. Completely the same'

Jules smiles. 'You get what I mean'

'...I can't expect that of him though'

'You can be honest with him'

'I think, I think I need to end it'

Jules is quiet for a moment. '...tell me why'

'Because I, I want him to start living again' She nods. '...and cause, cause I think I, I put pressure on myself, I can't not, I, I love him and I want to be this kind of version of myself that isn't real anymore, for him. I want to be a certain way and I want it for him. But I can't be that and it's not healthy for me to pretend. It's not healthy for me or him'

'No. That's not healthy' Jules nods.

'And I, I think that even if I, I could stop myself from doing that right now I, he, he has this need to protect me and I, I think I'd find it really easy to just, just let him you know? Because everything's so scary to me right now and the idea of him taking over and babying me, it...I guess it's appealing' She nods. 'But that's not healthy either. For him or me'

'No'

'I think I, I want him to, to sort of treat me like Ian did...' She shakes her head. 'I mean, I, I don't, of course I don't but unconsciously I kind of do because I've found myself wishing he'd just make choices for me and he doesn't but I think without realising it he could because he wants to look after me but I don't want him to be my carer. I don't, I don't want to be cared for'

'Everything you're saying right now is really very mature and rational'

'It is?'

'Yes' Jules smiles. 'And bloody brave'

'So you think I should end it too?'

'That is very much your decision but the reasons you've just given are good reasons. I do think that it may be a healthy choice for the both of you to have time apart to figure out who you both are individually. But let me be clear Peyton. You wanting a break doesn't mean you can't get back together when you're both ready. It doesn't have to be forever'

Peyton swallows. '...but I, the only way he'd, he'd actually do that is if I make him think it is forever. He'll, he'll just be waiting for me otherwise. I know him' She swallows. '...and in, in making him think it's forever...it, it actually could be forever cause he, he'll probably meet someone new and...' Her face crumples. Shakes her head. Swallows. '...but if he's happy' She blinks. Nods. 'I think I, I can come to terms with that'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'How are you?'

Peyton nods. 'Better than I was at least' She admits.

Brooke smiles tearfully because that confession says a whole lot. 'You'll get there'

'Yeah'

'You think it's helping, being here?'

'...yes. I mean I hate it but it...I actually feel safe'

'And you, you're not still cutting yourself?'

'I couldn't even if I wanted to. You can't do anything in here without a pair of eyes on you'

'...but you want to still?'

'...the urge comes every now and again...I still find myself scratching but it...I'm trying not to and when, when I find myself doing it I, I talk to someone about why and' She shrugs. 'Jules says that's a big step'

'It is, god you're doing so amazing P...have, have they said when you can come out?'

'I think I could leave in a couple of weeks if I wanted but I, I've decided I'm gonna stay longer than that' Brooke's surprise is evident. 'Shocker huh?...I want to be sure I'm not going to be a problem for you lot again. I don't think I'm there yet'

'You were never a problem'

Peyton smiles. 'Now see I know that's a lie. But thank you for not seeing me as a pain in the ass'

'Never P' Brooke bats her hand dismissively. '...how was seeing Luke?'

Peyton hesitates. '...nice.'

'He hasn't shut up about how well you're doing. He's right though' Peyton chews on the inside of her cheek. '...what is it?'

'...I've, I've decided I'm...'

Brooke squints at her. 'You're?'

Peyton looks down. 'I've been talking to Jules about me and Luke a lot lately and I, I've decided I'm going to to end it'

'...end it' Brooke echoes. Her brow furrows in confusion. '...end what?'

Peyton swallows. '...end it, our relationship...it's the right thing to do. It's not what I want to do but-'

'Then don't' Brooke blurts. 'Sorry' Backtracks. 'Sorry, I just...' She shakes her head.

'I know, I know you love us both and it, it's simple to you because you, you know how much he loves me and how much I love him but I, I can't...' She swallows thickly. 'I can't bear this, this guilt B. It's too much. I, I need him to go to college and to, to stop putting his life on hold for me. I, I'm not saying that maybe one day we can't be together again but for now I...I can't be in a relationship. I can't. I can't be what he needs because what I need is to know that I can be independent. I need to not be worrying about him and how I'm affecting him because it's not going to help me get better...I have a, a tendency to try and pretend around, around the people I love most' She nods. 'And I, I can't pretend because pretending doesn't make it go away...' Brooke's eyes are wide as she digests her friend's words. '...do you hate me?'

'No, god no...I understand everything you just said. It, it makes sense, it does but...it's just you're Luke and Peyton' Peyton's nostrils flare. Her tears race free. 'Oh honey I'm sorry'

'No, no it, I do this a lot these days' A wane smile touches her lips. '...I know this is gonna hurt him but it...' She covers her face. 'I've decided'

'...ok'

'I have to do this for me and him...I've written him a letter' She fumbles for it. 'It...I've tried to be honest but I also...I, I think being blunt is best'

'Blunt' Brooke frowns.

'I don't want him waiting for me and I, I know the only way I can make him move on is by, by trying to convince him I'm not...'

'In love with him' Brooke finishes with a heavy exhale. 'Peyton' She shakes her head and grimaces. 'You don't need to try and convince him of that. He'll understand that you need some time-'

'But I don't know how much time I need B? I don't know if in a year I'm gonna be coping or it's gonna be a daily battle for the rest of my life. I don't want that shit for him. I want him to find happiness and if he does that with someone else then I...I think I'll be ok with that. As long as he's happy'

Brooke licks her lips. '...but you are right? Still in love with him?'

Peyton swallows. 'If I didn't love him this wouldn't be so hard' She answers softly.

'He's gonna know what you're doing'

She nods. '...maybe'

'Are you sure about this?'

'You'll look after him won't you?'

'...of course I will but-'

'Please don't try and talk me out of it because I really don't think it'll take an awful lot of persuasion and I'm, I'm trying to be level headed and rational and I really think I need you to help me be that'

Brooke sighs. '...ok. Whatever you need'

'...thank you...so?'

'So?' Brooke repeats.

'When're you going to tell me what's going on with you and Julian?'

'What?' Brooke's brow shoots up in surprise.

'He was at the hospital'

'You remember that?'

'I don't remember a lot but I do remember him being in the hall with you at some point. I'm pretty sure that wasn't a hallucination'

'Not a hallucination...we've just been hanging out'

'You're dating?'

'No I wouldn't call it that. Just, friends...I don't really know what it is. We talk. We meet for dinner. We walk along the beach' She shrugs.

'All those things sound like dates B Davis'

'They're not...it's just...nice. He's nice'

'But?'

'There's no but' Peyton looks at her through narrowed eyes. 'What?'

'I don't know you're being weird'

'I just don't want to put a label on it right now'

'But you guys have been not dating since I've been in here?'

Brooke pouts at her then. 'And?'

'Nothing, nothing you just, it's not like you not to...'

'Jump into bed with someone?'

'I didn't say that' Peyton shakes her head.

'No' Brooke grins. 'You didn't have to. I guess I want it to, to mean something' She shrugs. 'Anyway, enough about that. Tell me about what god awful food you're being forced to eat in here'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

Brooke watches him. He's not put the piece of paper down since she issued him with it some forty minutes ago. She thinks he must have reread it a hundred times at this point and he's still not said a word. She wants to read it too. Wants to know exactly how her best friend has worded it.

'She's lying' He finally musters. Brooke swallows. 'Did she speak to you about this?' Brooke nods. Isn't sure what to say. 'She's lying isn't she?'

'She said she, she needs to learn to be independent and to, to not be worrying about how she's affecting us-'

'So she's splitting up with you too?' He highly doubts that.

'It's different isn't it-'

'Is it?!'

'She, she's got all this guilt that she's trying to let go of Luke'

'And I'm the cause of that'

'Indirectly yes. I think she just feels like she can't be in a relationship until she's, she's worked through everything'

'She is working through everything. I'm not even near her right now! How can I possibly be doing something wrong-'

'You're not doing anything wrong. She just wants you to go to college and-'

'And be as far away from her as possible?! She's lying. I know exactly what she's doing. She thinks she's a burden and she's hurting me but she's not! This fucking hurts' He wavers the bit of paper. 'Is it because of what I said that day-'

'No, god no. You saw her Luke- she's thinking so much more clearly'

'This isn't the decision of somebody who's thinking clearly!'

'Isn't it?...It's Peyton' She shrugs. 'When has she ever not put everybody before herself?...I, when she first told me it was my instinct to talk sense into her' She nods. 'But then, everything she was saying made sense...I don't want to lose my best friend and I, I think for her to really, really recover from this then maybe she, maybe it would be best if you two weren't together for a while-'

'This isn't a while Brooke. She's not asking for a break!'

Brooke licks her lips. '...I know but it doesn't have to mean forever does it'

'Doesn't it? She says she's incapable of loving anyone! She says she can't trust anyone anymore!' His hands claw into his hair.

She shifts closer to him. Hands go round him tight. '...I know she loves you. I know she does. But maybe she's right Luke...you're, you're struggling, I know you are. Every time I've seen you this week you've had a beer in your hand. It's 2pm right now. You might not see it but you, you're doing what she's been doing, you're looking of ways to cope with this that aren't healthy and I, I don't want to watch you go off the rails. She can't deal with that and nor can I. You've been so strong but maybe you need to set her free-'

'I'm not holding her fucking captive!'

'No, I know, I know' Brooke shakes her head. 'Bad choice of words...just she, I don't want her feeling like she can't do anything in life without you holding her hand. She needs to be able to feel like she can get in a car and drive herself somewhere and not feel like she's going to have a panic attack'

'I want that too! I'd never stop her from doing anything-'

'I know, I know. I know you won't but I think she could very easily rely on you too much and, and you'd do it for her because you'd do anything for-'

'As would you, don't pretend that I'm the only one that's been maybe a little over protective! You've been shadowing her every move just as much as I have-'

'Yes and I, I'm going to make a conscious effort not to do that when she's out-'

'Well so will I! She just needs to talk to me about all this!-'

'You're someone that has had such faith Luke. Ever since I've known you, you've followed your gut. You were the only one that didn't falter in believing she was alive. You didn't...I have faith that you two are meant to be together and I believe, I really, really believe that if it's meant to be you'll get there...you waited for her for so long, what's a bit more time?'

'This letter isn't her saying she wants time Brooke. This is her ending it. She's saying she doesn't want to see me in any capacity, I can't even be her fucking friend!'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'Did you know about it?' He paces. 'Of course you did' He shakes his head, his anger evident. 'A little heads up would've been nice!'

'You know I can't discuss anything I discuss with her'

'But it's bullshit isn't it?! You get to listen to the both of us, you have all the power! You get to ask the leading questions and govern-'

'I'm not governing anything Luke' Jules shakes her head. 'And I most definitely didn't plant the seed for her to do this if that's what you're implying. It all came from her'

His face crumples. 'I know what she's doing! I know that she thinks she's fucked up my life and that I need to be, be living life normally again or whatever'

'And what do you think?'

'So that's what she's said is it?-'

'I didn't say that'

'You're not saying she didn't say that'

Jules crosses her legs. 'You know I'm not going to relay anything she's said'

Lucas puffs out a heavy breath. Drops his head into his hands. '...I thought if, if she...there was a point where I considered that she might not want this anymore. After everything. And I thought, I thought as long as she allowed me to be in her life in whichever capacity, I thought I'd be able to be whatever she wanted. As long as she's ok but...' He swallows thickly. Suddenly looks back up at the watching therapist. 'I really love her' Shakes his head. 'And I'm not, I'm not him'

'Why do you say that?'

'I, I don't want to control her'

'You think she finds you to be controlling?'

'No' He hesitates. 'I don't know! She won't talk to me! I know I've been a little protective but I...'

'What do you think you've done that could be perceived as controlling?'

'...I...I don't know...She didn't want to go to the hospital'

'You think saving her life is controlling?'

'...if it is then I'm...' He shrugs. 'I'd do it again and again if it means she stay in this world'

'Saving someone's life isn't controlling. She was out of control that day and you were doing everything in your power to help her'

'...it's not fair that I, I'm not even permitted a damn conversation about this!' He's back to being angry. 'I know why she won't see me'

'Why's that?'

'Because she won't be able to say out loud what she's written down because it's not true. I'm not delusional. I know she loves me. She's doing this because she loves me'

'Ok why don't we talk about that'

'About how she loves me?'

'Why do you think her actions demonstrate love'

'Because she's putting me before her. She wants me to go to college. She wants me to find a job. To see friends. To do something that doesn't involve her'

'Did you use to do things that didn't involve her?'

'Of course. We were never that couple that bailed on our friends and ambitions. I mean, we were wrapped up in each other but it...'

'What things did you use to do without Peyton?'

'Basket ball. Writing. I'd hang out with some friends without her'

'Do you still see those friends?'

'...it, it's been a while'

'Because?'

Lucas looks at her exasperatedly. 'You know why. I've been a little preoccupied and to be frank half of them gave up on her and I' He grits his teeth together.

'You feel let down by a lot of the people in your life?'

'They just assumed she was dead...I know it's unfair. I know it's not their fault. I know a lot of them helped in certain ways but I just...I guess the more time and distance between us the easier it's been to just feel angry with them'

'Have you tried reaching out? Maybe it would be good to spend some time with friends right now'

He doesn't say anything.

'What about your hobbies? Maybe reintroducing some of your interests would be a healthy distraction'

'A healthy distraction' he repeats. 'From the fact my girlfriend has split up with me via a note?'

'Why don't we talk about the letter. Is that what she wrote?'

'Like you didn't proof read it'

'I've not seen it. Nor did I know about it until you walked in here'

'Isn't that relaying information to me?' Lucas mocks. '...sorry'

'Don't be sorry for being frustrated and upset'

'...she said she's not capable of being in a relationship and loving anyone anymore. She said she needs to let me go and I need to move on...Like I can just erase how I feel about her'

'How do you feel about her?'

'I love her' He cries exasperatedly because he's sure he's voiced that more than a few times. 'And it's not, I know you're probably sat there thinking we're young, we'll never last anyway but this, it's different'

'I'm not sat here thinking that at all. I think you've made it more than apparent that you're willing to do anything for Peyton. Love comes in all shapes and no one can tell us how we feel but my perception of the pair of you is that you both have a huge amount of love and respect for one another'

'...this doesn't feel like respect. Respect would be talking to me face to face'

'Why do you think she's not done that?'

He sighs. '...because she can't'

'She can't?'

'...I think she probably hasn't found it an easy decision to make' He nods. '...I couldn't believe how well she seemed...I think seeing me again probably triggered her not feeling so great. Maybe triggered her thinking about things that she's not been because she's been isolated' He's been thinking about nothing but this for the last 24 hours. Has been trying his hardest to put himself in her shoes despite his heartache and irritation. 'I think she's probably thinking about the future and me and...she was asking me what I'm doing about college and I stupidly said that didn't matter but she wants me to go and' He shakes his head again. '...I think she probably thinks this might force me to'

'Will it?'

'...I don't know...all I do is think about her...it's constant...I can't help it' He rubs the back of his neck. '...I mean I always, she's always been somebody that isn't far from my thoughts but since...she's...'

'Since she went missing?' Jules suggests.

'Yes. I, I had to be thinking of her then. Thinking about her kept her alive in my mind. Gave me purpose to keep looking I suppose'

'I can only imagine that that time was all consuming and tiring for you' He slouches down further into the chair. Looks up the ceiling. An unamused smile touches his lips. 'What're you thinking?'

'You being concerned about how that time was for me' He keeps his eyes averted. 'When she was going through utter hell'

'What she went through doesn't discount what you were going through'

'...I knew what he was doing to her. Did she tell you about how he'd broken into her house months before he took her away?'

'We've spoken about it, yes'

'There were all these pictures, all over her bedroom walls. Everywhere. Photos that he'd taken. He'd been watching her every move. I dunno what he thought that was going to achieve. Like she'd be impressed by that or something...he was infatuated with her...I should've called Larry. I should've gone down to the station to check about the phone call she'd received. At the very least I should've done that. I should've checked that he was put away'

'Do you dwell on the what if's a lot?'

He looks at her wearily then. 'I try not to because now I've started it's a unrelenting loop of everything I should've done'

'You're human. You did everything you could do and you found her. You got her out of there'

'It doesn't feel like it. It feels like she's still locked in that house sometimes'

'I think she has been in a sense. She is doing better though Luke. Your observation isn't inaccurate. I'm really pleased with how she's doing. How much effort she's putting into therapy' Jules nods. 'And as I said earlier, I in no way suggested she write you that letter. However, everything you just said...maybe a bit of time away, refocusing yourself, allowing yourself to find some sense of normalcy will be good for the both of you' She proposes gently. 'I think it's very common to think of the people we love throughout a day. I certainly do. However, to be so consumed that you're not sleeping...' Jules pauses. 'I don't think you should dismiss the ordeal that you've been through. Whilst she was away it was only natural for you to obsess over her and her whereabouts but you don't need to obsess over that anymore. She's safe. And I know it must be hard to trust in other people when you've felt so let down by so many but you can't live the rest of your life fearing something bad is going to happen to her. That's not going to benefit her or you'

'...I know that...how do I stop?'

'Stop what?'

'Obsessively thinking about her'

'You spend time with your friends. You find distractions in things like basket ball and writing. The more you do the more you'll have to talk about and the less time you'll have to think about her. Not to say you shouldn't think about her. That's not the aim at all. But I think it's safe to say you're still very much in the mindset that you were when she was missing. Hey?'

'...I suppose'

'I know it's going to be very hard for you but you got through the last six weeks...I know I can't promise you that this isn't the end for you two but I'd be very surprised if she didn't one day want to sit down and explain things to you. She's just not there yet. You've highlighted to me several times that she's said many things to you that you know she's just saying because she thinks it's what you want to hear. I know it's frustrating but I think you'd rather wait until she can talk to you than she put on a charade for you'

'...I hate the charade'

'I think she hates it too. It's suffocating for the both of you hey?'

'...I don't want to remind her of him and I worry that the way, the way I'm constantly thinking about her and worrying about her, I know it comes from a completely different place, it comes from genuine love but is...is it just the same as him?'

'You shouldn't compare yourself to anyone but you'

'God you're such a bloody therapist sometimes' A wane smile touches his lips. She smiles back.

'I know, a right pain in the ass aren't I? It's true though...you'e not Ian in any way shape or form Lucas. You love her, you accept her for everything she is and you most certainly don't want to hurt her, right?'

'Never'

'There we go then' Jules shrugs. '...It's quite normal for victims of this nature to sort of want to emulate the abuse in a way'

'...she did ask me to hit her'

'She's been through something where violence was the means to an end. Violence signalled the end of an argument. Meant a temporary escape to the torment. I know that probably sounds a little odd-'

'No. It makes sense. It's fucked up but' He nods. '...She definitely...it has felt like she wants me to behave like him in certain instances'

'Her biggest hurdle with returning to her every day life is going to be independence. She needs to feel safe making a decision for herself. She needs to feel safe being by herself...you want my honest opinion?'

'Yes'

'You two not being in a relationship is going to help her get back on her feet a lot quicker. You won't be there to do the scary things for her. I know you want her to live as normal life as possible'

'Of course I do'

'And I think some time and space will allow you to both strive for that, strive for independence, strive to find the hobbies and ambitions that you once both had so many of...and later down the road I really do hope you find your way back to each other. I have a lot of people walk in and of these doors and it's not often that I see the kind of love you two so clearly have for each other' Jules smiles. 'I really shouldn't have said that last bit' She sighs.

He smiles. '...it's comforting that you hope that'

'You walking away isn't you giving up on her' Jules emphasises. 'You walking away is a selfless act. It's love'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'...How did he take it?' She's staring out the window.

'He's upset but he just needs some time' Brooke murmurs. 'Maybe if you see him and-'

'I can't see him' Peyton shakes her head. 'He's tried to see me three times in the last two days. You have to tell him to stop. I can't...I can't'

'It might help if you just tell him in person. If you just tell him this is temporary then-'

'If I see him I'll just give in. I can't say no to him. I can't see him. It's not temporary' She shakes her head. 'If he thinks it's temporary he's going to carry on waiting for me and I don't want that'

'...he knows you're lying'

'Did you tell him that?'

'No...I don't need to' Peyton slowly turns to regard the brunette. 'Are you sure about this P?'

'...Love is selfless. It might, it might seem cruel right now but I, I love him so much. I can't even put into words how I feel about him and everything he's done for me it...' She swallows thickly. 'I've consumed everyone's lives. I've been like a leech sucking the blood from everything. I can't be with him because when I'm with him I'm trying to figure out how I can be normal for him and how I can make it better but I can't magically turn back the clock and make none of this happen. I can't do that. It happened and I'm trying to accept that I, I'm trying to accept that I'm not the same and it's ok...and I think he needs to do that too.'

'He knows that Peyton. He's talking to Jules too, he's getting help too'

Peyton nods. 'I know...' An abrupt sob escapes her lips then and Brooke jumps from her chair and squeezes onto the single armchair with the blonde. 'It-it's n-not f-fair'

Brooke closes her eyes and rubs Peyton's back. 'I know'

'I w-want the-the best for h-him! I d-don't w-want h-him to h-have th-this l-life'

'What life?' Brooke voice is quiet as she battles her own emotions.

'I d-don't w-want h-him t-to ha-have the, the c-crazy, f-fucked u-up g-girl-friend!'

'You're not crazy or fucked up Peyton'

'I-I'm in a mental health facility Brooke!'

'Because you've been unwell! Not because you're crazy or fucked up' Brooke contends. 'Honey you're doing so much better and I, I think you and Luke, you're gonna always be...those feelings aren't going to disappear for either of you- even if you push him away. If this is what you want right now, ok. But don't cry because you think it's the end. It's not the end. You'll find your way back to each other. Maybe you, maybe you're right' She nods. 'Maybe you need to do this without him. And he needs to know he's not responsible for fixing you' Peyton blinks.

'...I never thought I'd be here...I had that thing B. I had it'

'What thing?'

'That thing that some people wait a whole life time to find' She chews on the inside of her cheek. 'That some people never find. I found it'

'I know' Brooke nods. 'I know honey. But you still have it. It's not going anywhere. That's the thing about love. Like real proper head over heals love. It doesn't go anywhere. It's constant. Forever and always'

Peyton's nostrils flare. '...I use, I use to be good for him' She nods. 'I pushed him to do things that were good for him. I inspired him. I made him laugh and sing and he's bloody awful at singing' She looks down. 'I made him happy...I don't make him happy anymore' She shakes his head. '...I know he, he loves me but I, I don't, I'm not...this is what, what is best for him. He deserves more. He deserves a girl that does all those things. He deserves a girl that wants to jump his bones all the time and kiss him and love him in that way'

'You're worrying about sex?' Brooke squeezes her closer.

'I don't want it'

'Of course you don't right now'

'I don't think I'll ever want it. Ever! I know I was saying shit before about how I wanted...but I don't B. I don't.'

'I know you don't' Brooke strokes her cheek. 'You don't think Luke has known that? Honey he loves you. He's known you're not ready for that. Is this what's fuelling you ending it?'

'It, it's not just that but it, it's a part of it too' She nods. 'I can't ask him to be celibate to the end of time'

'Honey you'll feel like you want it at some point. You will. I promise you will. You were raped'

Peyton sniffles. '...I know'

'And you acknowledging that is huge' Brooke murmurs. 'I know you've known that all along but at the same time you've been talking about it a lot differently'

Peyton presses her lips together. '...saying I had sex with him somehow feels better' She mumbles. 'Like it's something I did as apposed to was done to me'

'But it was done to you'

'...yes...it just, it hurts my head a lot...I, I'd got to the point where I, I was initiating it to just, just make him happy' Her eyes glaze over. 'And that seems fucking crazy doesn't it?' She whispers.

'Not crazy. You were doing what you had to. You're so amazing' Brooke murmurs. 'I still can't believe how you managed to get through all that'

'I'm not amazing. If I'd been able to I would've killed myself long before you ever found me B. If you hadn't taken the gun away from me that day I would've shot myself. I wanted to'

'Come here' Brooke pulls her into a full hug then. Inhales shakily. '...I love you so much P Sawyer'

'...I love you too'

'...you're gonna get better. You are and one day I, I know you and Luke will be together. If that's what you want, you will. I promise. This isn't forever. It, it's just until you both come to terms with this. That's all. It's not forever'