Chapter 42.
Cas was not a huge fan of guns, so when he had filled a target's head with holes in the range, he did ask himself whether it was possible he was not making the most constructive use of the emotional energy he was trying not to feel.
He didn't need to practice. Aiming was easy. He'd never understood why humans had to learn to do it. He had no good reason at all for wasting the ammunition. He couldn't even have explained to anyone why it felt so good to obliterate something when he was a servant of creation. But then, Creation had pretty much ditched him.
He cleaned the gun and put it away. He decided he needed some better way to get his mind on something else. He took out his phone and texted Jules. "Are you busy?"
She soon replied, "Coffee? Kitchen?"
"Perfect." he sent back. By the time he reached the kitchen, she was sitting at the table with two mugs of coffee. She slid one over to him.
"I looked for you earlier." she said.
"Firing range." he said.
"Oh." she said.
He knew the ebb and flow of human conversation enough to know that he was getting it wrong. It felt awkward and unfriendly and bordering on painful. "Sorry." he said, "I am really bad at this."
"At what?" she said.
"At any form of interaction other than combat." he said.
She smiled. "Are you asking me for a fight, Cas?"
"No!" he said, then he realised she was joking. "I am really, really bad at this. I should never inflict myself on you."
"I told you. It's not easy for anyone. You know that constant stream of doubt, regret and embarrassment playing in your head when you try to talk to someone?"
"How do you know about that?" he said.
"I get it too. We all do. Except pyschopaths. Things are easier for them. I'm glad you're not a psychopath."
"I'm not sure I am." he said, "It sounds like life is much better for them."
"It's not. They feel fine about everything because they don't really connect with anyone. Nobody else is real to them. Nobody else matters. Imagine life without friendship. I'll take embarrassment over isolation every time."
"Put like that, so would I." said Cas. He touched the key around his neck. Again, the energy felt personal, familiar, as if the maker cared about him specifically. "Jules, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course." she said.
"You're one of the best researchers we have. Could you try to find out about Rhydian? He created talismans."
"Do we know what field of magic he was active in?" she asked.
"Not Goetian, doesn't feel truly Enochian. Sam or Jack can tell you where to start. I just want to know more about him, his knowledge, associations, intentions. Anything you can find out."
"Is it to do with Michael?" she asked.
"Some of his work could be useful against Michael." he said, "He knew something about angelic powers."
"I'll do what I can." she said.
He saw her bright smile and thought about his conversation with Dean and Sam. "There is one other favour I'd like to ask." he said.
"What?" she said.
"Would you dance with me at the party tomorrow?" he said, hoping it wasn't a completely inappropriate request.
Her smile just became warmer. "Yes, I'd love to." she said.
He had not expected her to be quite so pleased to be asked. He began to wonder whether the Winchesters might be right, but asking her directly if she liked him seemed both needy and intrusive. He wasn't even sure what to do if the answer were in the affirmative. Dean wanted him to find someone, but that had never gone well in the past.
"Thankyou." he said, wishing he could sound smooth.
"Did you think I'd say no?" she said.
"It seemed likely." he admitted.
She looked at him for a moment, her expression unreadable by him. Then she said, "People like you a lot more than you think, Cas. You'll find that out at the party."
"People don't always find me easy to relate to." he said, "I am somewhat socially awkward."
"I find you very easy to relate to." she said.
"I should tell you, I may have unintentionally misled you a little about Dean." he said.
"You mean when you keep talking about him all the time?" she said.
"Yes." he said.
"I did get the wrong idea, but I asked Dean if you two were involved."
"Involved in what?"
"Involved with each other ... together."
"Oh." said Cas.
"And he explained that you don't know many people, so you talk a lot about the few you do know. That makes sense."
Although that had not been what he meant, he was relieved that Dean had given her an explanation she could accept. "Dean often has to explain for me." he said.
"I think you're very important to the Winchesters." she said.