"Where...am I?" Tallisibeth slowly and groggily opened her eyes, her eyes did not adjust immediately to the brightness of her surroundings, she tried turning her head but found her neck quite stiff and instead found herself darting her eyes in each direction until a picture came into focus. Amber walls lined with portraits of landscapes or her family, and faux-marble tiling. "This is my home. But i never came home. How did I get here?" Finally her gaze drifted downwards towards the front of her where she saw Vestara nearby, as she looked upon her, Vestara turned her own gaze upon Tallisibeth recognizing that she was, at least partially, awake.
"Hey, HEY! Can you hear me?" Tallisibeth tried to speak but simply wound up groaning quite loudly while twitching her hand. Vestara took this as some manner of affirmation and began to adjust how Tallisibeth lay ,on what he now identified as her couch, slowly helping the elderly woman to a sitting upright position. Tallisibeth continued to groan for a moment until word finally formed.
"Whaaat...happ-pened?"
"You collapsed is what happened. You were fine then you fell over. I've tried getting a hold of Veran or anybody, put apparently they are too busy to answer their comms, and I don't know where the nearest hospital is."
"There's...one...in town. We passed by it...earlier."
"Which is all well and good for people who live here or have access to a kriffing map to tell them what's what."
"How...how did I get inside?"
"I...levitated you, very carefully."
Feeling some strength return to her limbs she reached up and rubbed her forehead, but as she did so she felt something smudge on her skin, when she retracted her hand to look she saw what seemed to be ointment or cream the same tone as her skin. Vestara then held up a white rag smudged with something of the same color. "When you fell over the grass was still damp from the morning dew, so your makeup smudged."
What Tallisibeth could not see at the moment was an asymmetrical patch on her face near her left eye extending down to her cheek. While Tallisibeth had appeared to possess a fair complexion this exposed patch revealed that to be false, her skin was a sickly pale with dark reddish purple circles under her eyes which Tallisibeth hid everyday with some sort of concealer. "I had truly wondered if your recent bouts of shortness of breath were simply the result of your age. You're sick."
"Not uncommon for somebody my age."
"Does Veran know?"
"He has other thing to worry about."
"That's not what I asked. Does. Veran. Know?"
Talliisibeth looked at Vestara and saw there was no point in arguing, she would keep asking until she recieved an answer she found satisfactory. "No. No, he does not."
"Do any of your offspring know?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I already said he has too many things to worry about, and as for the rest of them they have families of their own to take care of."
"YOU are part of that family, are you not?"
Tallisibeth let out a light chuckle as she began to readjust herself on her couch. "Everyone has things, important things to focus on, too important for me to interrupt."
"But they are your family, they should know."
"Vestara I know you mean well, you'll likely come up with some excuse as to how your interest is somehow connected only to your own well being, because it would be a true tragedy for you to admit you actually care. But you needn't worry about me Vestara."
"You're sick, I don't know with what, and I don't know if it's contagious. But I do know this likely won't be some sort of isolated inodent."
Tallisibeth again simply laughed. "Vestara, I'm old. I am an old war veteran, I have been shot at, strangled, and nearly blown up beyond times I can reasonably count. I lived when countless others better than me fell. When those who were stronger and more experienced, who all around knew what they were doing as opposed to one clueless, terrified child, were slaughtered, I escaped. I hid for years, while others hunted me, hunted me for what I was. And I lived, whle they, my hunter, eventually died. I started a family and lived a happy life, while the Empire that wanted me to do die fell to rubble. So you see Vestara, you don't need to worry about me. I won."
Vestara wanted to be frustrated with her, but she did make a good point. And those two words 'I won' and the triumph in her voice made it difficult to be angry.
"But to cycle back to your previous quandary, no my condition is not contagious."
"Is it treatable?"
"By the time I became aware of my condition it was already beyond the point of reversing. I'm afraid the damage has been done."
"And you still don't want to tell your family?"
"Circumstance necessitates it, everyone has their own responsibilities. While my other two sons and daughter are taking care of their own families Veran is handling something more urgent. If I tell one they will all know, and unfortunately Veran will drop everything to tend to me. I took you to Gotab's family gathering so you could understand, there are those that still have much, but there are those who have lost everything, and my son is part of the active effort to return what has been lost. I cannot, I will not have him cease his efforts to give back to those who have lost everything, their whole families, so he can see to the family he never lost in the first place. I am old, I am sick, but that can't stand in the way of others peoples lives."
"I understand what your saying but he's only one person."
"One among an already short number, or have you forgotten? You don't appear to have as many allies as you thought. Every person focusing in this effort, on this mission is indispensable because of how few there are already."
Vestara shook her head "If you suddenly drop dead he's not going to forgive himself. He's going to wonder how he didn't notice, or wonder why you didn't tell him. You may be hurting him."
"He can be angry with me, but he understands why I do what I do. When the truth comes out, be it with my death or otherwise he will understand, he'll be angry, but he will understand."
"And how can you be so sure?"
"Because I raised him, I know his thoughts, and know how he thinks."
Vestara saw little point in arguing this with her any longer, Tallisibeth had long made up her mind and was set on her decision, and no amount of protestation from Vestara would change that. "Look I am at least trying, I do say trying, to make an effort on this whole 'turning over a new leaf on my life' thing, and somehow I doubt that lying to a man about the well being of his parent really...fits into that."
"Simply don't speak of it and you won't be lying."
"How it that different?"
"Lying is speaking something you know to be not true, omission is simply not speaking something at all. If you never spoke of it, or if the subject simply never comes up, that you won't be lying."
"And if the subject does come up? If he walks in and asks directly how you are?"
"Tell him how I am at that moment. No need to go into further detail."
"That hardly seems better."
Tallisibeth once again simply laughed at Vestara's exasperation whilst holding her hand out as if to ask for Vestara to help her up, whatever physical exhaustion her losing consciousness had left her with having seemed to disperse. "If you please, I was about to tend to something before my little...'episode'." Vestara didn't help her right away, instead simply staring irritated at how brazenly Tallisibeth acted as though nothing were wrong, she recognized that Tallisibeth believed her actions to be for the best, but she did not agree. Nonetheless she eventually helped her to her feet and the two made their way outside towards the gardens Tallisibeth was headed towards before her collapse. "Thank you." Tallisibeth's voice was quiet, yet genuine, she did appreciate Vestara's indulging her, even if it irked her to do so.
Vestara knew if she left Tallisibeth alone she would go about tending to the plant herself, and while not an overly strainful task physically, she perceived it a touch more than the elderly woman should take on at the moment. With this in mind she simply walked her over to a bench in what she believed was a central area and grabbed a nearby watering can. "What's needs tending to?"
Tallisibeth gave her a sour look suggesting she didn't like simply being set down whilst someone else did the work, but Vestara immediately shot back an incensed expression of her own to clarify she wasn't going to have any arguments. Conceding Tallisibeth simply began pointing to different plants and describing what needed to be done to them, to which Vestara heeded each instruction. After a while Vestara felt like the monotony needed to be broken.
"So, Scout?"
Tallisibeth took a second to think about that word before chuckling and whispering "Gotab." under her breath. "No one has called me that in a long time, save for one person."
"I assume there is a story behind it."
"In a sense, nothing dramatic mind you. I have never been what one would call truly powerful through the force, so I focused more on my martial abilities, but as I was still young when the war began I wasn't as physically capable as most of my peers, so I capitalized on speed and evasion. That and I focused what little talent I had through the force on observation. I became quite good at it, able to read almost every scenario, I could even catch a glimpse of what would happen next."
"So, quick on your feet and observant, Scout."
"Now is there something else you would like to ask about?"
Vestara paused and looked back at her confused for a moment. "Wh-what do you mean?"
"You often have questions, quite a few when we talk, not always for the reasons you give, but you do often have alot to ask about. Almost as if you don't like the quiet." Vestara did not say anything. "The quiet makes your mind wander, right? When you stop and think your mind goes places it doesn't want to. People you've lost, things you've done, things you've failed to do, and people you've hurt in some way?"
"How...why do you-"
"Also makes it hard for you to sleep, right?"
"...I suppose this is something you know a thing or two about?"
"Pain. We feel it physically and mentally. We can balm physical pain, sew a wound shut, take medicine if need be. Mental wounds, emotional pain, does not heal so easily. You feel it, you experience it, it's always there. There are things you want to forget about, things you want to put behind you, but your mind won't let you. And it's usually the worst right after the fact."
"It...has been difficult to go a single day without thinking back to my family."
"You lost them, not only that but you lost the chance to make peace with them. Now your left wondering if you could have, if given the chance. And that inevitably leads you down a spiral of other 'what if's'. You question everything you've done, and while some things perhaps dictate a second glance, others you know to have been beyond your control, yet still some part of your mind wonders, and you as a whole become more restless. Eventually the quiet becomes louder than a crowded room."
"Are you talking about me or you?"
"Both and neither perhaps. I recognize your struggle as own of my own, and of those faced by others who survived while many did not. My Order was destroyed, your tribe was decimated. Two completely separate events but they leave the same scars."
"How did you deal with the noise?"
"I had a new family, new parents to help me. I was lucky. All three of us suffered some sort of tragedy, and we were all some manner of broken, but fit broken pieces together and you get the whole, still damaged but together. We were all three of us some sort of mess but we held each other together, and somehow lived happy lives."
"Lucky you."
"Isolation makes it worse, if you choose to be alone, you will be bombarded with unwanted thoughts. Keep that in mind. A Sith would welcome the pain and madness, but you aren't a Sith anymore." Vestara quickly snapped her head back towards Tallisibeth who now sat smirking at her. "Right?"
In truth Vestara wasn't sure what she was, but she had decided what she wasn't. "No. No, I'm not."
"If you'd like I have another bit of advice." Vestara stopped what she was doing to face Tallisibeth who was now pointing with her finger all around the garden at different things. "Create a schedule, a list of things to due."
"Things?"
"Anything, something you can reasonably do daily, activities or chores to do, the more they demand your attention the better. Eventually you focus more on what you are doing and less on what your mind is thinking. Give yourself something physical, tangible to direct yourself towards, and eventually it becomes a force of habit. Do it long enough, and you'll be able to keep your mind quiet unconsciously."
Vestara glanced around at the rather sizeable garden that coiled around the manor. "Is that what all this is? You distracting yourself?"
"Mostly, it served as a way for all three of us to keep busy."
"Three? As in you and your parents?"
"Most of the plants in the garden have a purpose, they aren't all simply for aesthetic, some if cultivated can make medicine, which was of use to my father."
"Herbal medicine?"
"Not quite, many people forget the ingredients for most modern medicine comes from some sort of plant, they simply need to be processed. Which is something someone as talented as my mother was capable of doing."
"So...you grew a garden, which your mother made medicine from, for your father to use?"
"Some of the plants simply grow edible fruits, but yes."
"I'm hardly one to judge what either of you did in your spare time, or your coping mechanisms."
"Understand, I was not one hundred percent welcome in Skirata's eye's. And my mother more or less spent the rest of her life on 'probation'."
"Why and why?"
"I've already mentioned the circumstances of how Venku's mother died so Skirata didn't like a Jedi staying on Mandalore, and he didn't like that a Mando adopted me. As for my mother, we've already spoken of her wrong doings. During her time here she wasn't really allowed to pursue any occupations in her previous field. Skirata's trust in her was on very thin ice."
"So how exactly did all this help with that?"
"For one, we grew a large portion of the food we ate, so as far as sustaining ourselves went, we weren't getting in anybodies way. Felt it was prudent to be self-sufficient. And after acquiring the resources to do so, we were able to grow ingredients for mother to synthesize medicine, which helped father in his occupation, as well as giving us something to trade with local's. Keep in mind we are a ways out in the countryside. But also her work, though hardly as glamorous as her prevous profession, kept her mind from stagnating."
"And you have your routine to follow."
"Yes."
Vestara resumed tending to the plant's Tallisubeth had previously pointed out to her as they continued their conversation. "And all that worked, huh? You're better?"
"That depends on what you mean by better."
"Are you over it? Is the silence still 'loud' as you put it?"
"It's always going to be loud, I've just managed to live my life ignoring it. Certain things don't go away. If you lose a limb you may get a prosthetic, but it won't grow back."
"They can if your a trandoshan."
"Shut up." Vestsara gave a sly smile which looked bigger than it was due to her scar. "Point is, the answer to your question is no."
"Well...that's comforting."
"You're taking my own experiences at too much face value."
"And what does that mean?"
"I told you when you got here, I am me, you are you. Our experiences are comparable but in the end still different. For example, how did your family die?"
Vestara cringed at the question, but told herself she had to have a reason for asking. "The how, is a little bit complicated. I mean I can tell you how they physically died, but how things led up to that is a long story."
Tallisibeth playfully waved her hand around. "Well, I live here, so I'm not going anywhere. Vestara let out a heavy sigh at the elderly woman's almost childish gesture before conceding and telling her the story of Abeloth, and what she had done. True to her statement the story was long, and she doubted Tallisibeth would believe her. Even for a Jedi the things Abeloth could do were quite outlandish. But in-spite of all of this Tallisibeth's face, though clearly disturbed by Vestara's rather accurate description of Abeloth, believed her. "So this Abeloth decimated your home, and this drove your father mad?"
"Yes."
"And then you killed him, in self-defense."
"...Yes."
"Then it is as I said, comparable but not the same."
"I realize these events aren't nearly the same thing but how do you mean? You sound as though you mean something specific."
"This Abeloth you have described was stronger than you, yes?" Vestara nodded. "And you could not face it alone?" Now she shook her head. "So tell me, if you had known what Abeloth was going to do before hand, the act that would kill your mother and drive your father to madness, could you stop it? I know you would want to try, but realistically, as you were then, could you?"
Vestara thought of her encounters with Abeloth, how she literally grabbed Vestara's lightning out of the air and threw it back at her. How she suspended her in the air helplessly as she made numerous plants stab her. And so she thought on Tallisibeth's question, could she? Could she have done anything? Even Luke Skywalker, the person she viewed as the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy struggled to face that monster. And she only survived her last encounter through a combination of fighting alongside Ben, and that Abeloth's other bodies were fighting other people, and being destroyed, thus weakening her. In a one-on-one fight she was nothing to that monster.
"No. No, I don't think I could have. In fact I almost believe with certainty I couldn't have."
"Comparable but not the same." Vestara again stared at Tallisibeth curiously, wondering her meaning. "We within the Jedi Order served the Republic alongside Palpatine for years, my whole life in fact. All the while he slowly sank his claws into every corner of the Republic, and gave himself more and more control over our lives. And we never suspected until it was too late. We never saw it coming. I, with all my powers of observation and all my talent and training in precognition, did not see the evil standing next to us.
If we knew sooner, if we acted sooner, maybe many would still be alive. But we failed to recognize the true darkness, and because of it Gibad, Alderran, and who know how many others innocents were destroyed. We all had our chance and we failed, and billions died because of it. That is a noise that will never grow silent in my mind. I've just learned to ignore it.
You, you have admittedly made mistakes, but the worst of which that haunt you, you either couldn't have done anything about them in the first place, or you still have a chance to make them right."
Vestara paused at this, she had never considered what Tallisibeth might have felt about herself regarding Palpatines actions. He was, as she said, their enemy and he stood by them for years without them realizing the truth. She never considered how much pain that might have caused someone still alive from that time, to know true evil was standing right in front of them, laughing at them.
As she and Tallisibeth spent the rest of the evening talking and tending to Talliibeth's garden she wondered if Tallisibeth was trying to tell her something. Their conversations almost always gave Vestara something to consider and now she wondered if she was trying to tell her something about their experiences. Tallisibeth seemed to have made a note to point out she felt she could have prevented the mistakes of her past, but Vestara couldn't. And so Vestara sat and wondered why? Why did that matter?
A/N YAY, an update within two weeks of the last one, woot. Not any action in this one, just more talking, some of which will be relevant later.