RvBvRWBY PSA 3: Trip Abroad

Valhalla

POV: Grif and Simmons

Grif: Hi. I'm Private Dexter Grif. From the popular web series, Red vs. Blue, and starring in the non-paying, low budget, CAUSE SOMEONE REFUSES TO PAY ME FANFIC! (inhales) RvBvRWBY.

Simmons: And I'm Dick Simmons. From the same show, and starring in the same story. Today-

(Donut and Weiss enter the scene.)

Weiss: Hi dolts! Did you miss us?

Grif: Ugh, guys you don't have to say that everytime you return from the bathroom.

Donut: What? No! We were in Paris. Don't you guys remember?

Simmons: Uhh...no?

Weiss: Grif, you got me tickets to the Louvre.

Grif: That doesn't sound like me...at all.

Donut: Simmons. You drove us to the airport.

Simmons: Doesn't ring a bell.

Weiss: You were supposed to feed the cat. Oh no! Whiskers!

(Both Donut and Weiss then run off to Red Base.)

Simmons: Why that is a good topic for today: Ediquette when visiting a foreign country.

Grif: A list of skills that will keep you from embarrassing yourself and you country.

(Sarge and Nora enter the scene.)

Nora: Hey guys. What's up with Donut and Weiss?

Sarge: Yeah we saw then running away, ugly crying. Like real ugly (shivers).

Grif: I dunno, broken nail?

Simmons: The first step in visiting another country is getting the hell out of your country. That's were the airport comes in. You tell it by the sign that reads, 'Airport', and the construction that's been going on for the last 15 years.

(Cut to Airport entrance, Grif and Simmons walk in, followed by Sarge and Nora. Lastly, Caboose and Ruby walk in.)

Airport Security: You got any weapons, or anything considered a weapon sir?

Sarge: Of course! Several of them.

Simmons: Never leave home without one.

Grif: My suitcase is full of grenades!

Nora: Need Malghid to break some legs!

Airport Security: What about you two? Do yo you have any weapons, or anything that can be considered a weapon?

Caboose: Uh...no. You see...um…

Ruby: We have...uh suitcases...that are shaped like guns.

Caboose: And they're only holding...uh bullets.

Airport Security: I'm gonna need passenger assist over at security. Six passenger assists.

(Cutto outside the airport entrance in France.)

Simmons: Ugh, that was exhausting!

Nora: The flight attendant refused to serve me pancakes!

Sarge: My life flashed before my eyes!

Grif: Ugh, two who hours!

(Cut to Nora and Simmons.)

Nora: Traumatic experiences such as long flights can be overcome with simple distractions, such as watching a censored version of your favorite R-rated movie.

(Next to Nora, posters for Sarge 2: Sarge Harder and Try Hard 2: Try Harder appear. All weapons in the poster have been replaced with toy guns. The subtitles have been changed to 'Slightly Less Sarge' and 'Trying Less'.)

Nora: Throwing peanuts at the flight attendant.

(A picture of Grif and Nora throwing peanuts at a flight attendant can be seen next to Nora.)

Simmons: Or writing down great ideas you only get with a feverish brain induced by cabin air pressure. Here's what I wrote down:

(Simmons takes out a piece of paper.)

Simmons: Perpetual motion rollercoaster; Reading light in funeral caskets; Jon Lovitz. Jon Lovitiz?

(Cut to Grif and Yang, both holding paper.)

Grif: Adult diapers. But for babies.

Yang: Junior's Club. But on fire.

(Cut to Caboose and Ruby, both holding paper.)

Ruby: Caboose; Roses; Cookies; Wedding Cake. Wedding Cake? (blushes)

Caboose: Clouds; Skyline; Tarmack.

(Cut to everyone.)

Grif: Did you just write down everything you saw out the window?

Caboose: We weren't playing eyespy?

(Grif's stomach growls, everyone looks at him.)

(Cut to Grif and Simmons at a food stand. With Sarge, Nora, Caboose and Ruby trying to place an order.)

Simmons: When contimplating were to eat while on a trip abroud. It is good to be adventureous.

Grif: That's right. For example, McDonalds in Greece has a Big Mac with pita bread and tziki sauce.

Sarge: The Chinese McDonalds had black and white buns!

Simmons: And McDonalds in Germany has a bratwurst sandwich.

Nora: What about places that don't have a McDonalds?

(The Reds all turn at the same time, and look at her.)

Sarge: We don't go to places that don't have a McDonalds.

Ruby: Why?

Sarge: Because it's not safe. Value your life more kids.

(Cut to Nora and Yang. Stand near two Frenchmen.)

Yang: Big part of travelling abroad is making connections with the locals, by displaying your friendly Vytalian, or American ways.

Nora: Precisely, when trying to communicate, remember that English/Vytalian may not be their primary language. So make sure to speak-

(Nora starts shouting.)

Nora:-A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT LOUDER THAN USUAL!

Yang: Impress them with how better your English/Vytalian is than theirs. In turn they'll be thrilled when you insist they teach you curse words in their native tongue.

(Caboose shows up.)

Caboose: Uh, guys. What does-

(Caboose says some random sentence in a foreign tongue. But it is bleeped out.)

Caboose: -uh, mean?

Nora: Oh my god! What is wrong with you!?

Yang: Go stand in the corner and wash your mouth out! And please don't say that to Ruby, I don't know what that means.

(Ruby shows up next to Caboose, and starts speaking French.)

Ruby: [Why are you guys complaining about Caboose complimenting you?]

Nora and Yang: ...What?!

(Nora's stomach then growls.)

(Cut to Simmons, Grif, and Nora, in front of a port-a-potty.)

Simmons: As Sun Tzu once told us, 'everybody poops'. And that's just as true on vacation as it is at home.

Grif: But some countries have different facilities and habits than you're used to. For example, toilets in Japan and Atlas are often much smarter than the average American soldier or huntsmen, equipped with heated seats, cleansers automatic lids and candy dispenser so when you get hungry during a lengthy discharge.

Nora: That's right Grif, and in Australia and Vacuo, the water flushes the opposite way.

Grif: Upwards so the water splashes all over your face?

Simmons: Yeah, the water splashes all over your face idiot. No I mean counterclockwise.

Grif: That's stupid.

Simmons: It sure is, and other places like right here, the toilet is often outdoors and-

(Simmons looks into the port-a-potty, only to find a large hole in the ground.

Simmons: -where is it? Where'd it go?

Nora: Uh, I think that's it.

Simmons: You mean the hole? What do you sit on?

Grif: If you just move, see if you squat and turn…

Simmons: Oh no! Nevermind!

Nora: Kinda reminds me of the toilets in Menagerie. Explains why Blake likes to squat on the toilet when she has to go.

Simmons: I'm out!

(Cut to Grif, Simmons and Nora somewhere else.)

Simmons: Just hold it until you go home.

(Sarge and Yang appear.)

Sarge: Have you guys seen the toilets in this dump? That's it. I'm aborting the mission. We're catching the next flight home!

Yang: Thank god!

Simmons: Great. We lasted, ooh...52 minutes! Personal best!

Grif: That was 51 minutes too long.

Nora: Where's Caboose?

Ruby: Right here.

(Ruby and Caboose enter the scene, with the latter cover in poop and toilet paper.)

Sarge: What happened to you?

Ruby: He tried to use the bathroom, but fell down the hole.

Simmons: Gross.

Yang: You should go clean yourself up.

(Caboose is now suddenly clean.)

Caboose: All done!

Nora: Wow that was fast!

(Cut to everyone back in Valhalla.)

Sarge: It's good to be back.

Nora: Finally! The flight was terrible! They cut out all the curse words in that movie again!

Grif: Home is where your flushing toilet is.

Simmons: When you finally come back home, take a moment to look at the many souvenirs you've purchased at the overpriced gift shops. Even though you had a miserable time, your knickknacks will give everyone the illusion that your trip was amazing and better than anything they'll ever achieve.

Sarge: I got a Big Ben snow globe.

Ruby: We weren't even in England.

Sarge: Ah, they sell them everywhere.

Yang: I wonder what other travelers cherish from their brave voyages?

(Cut to Donut and Weiss overlooking a memorial dedicated to Whiskers.)

Donut: At least I have all this French cheese to help remember you.

Weiss: It smells horrible.

(Cut back to the group.)

Simmons: On a final note, don't forget to tell all your friends about your trip in great detail even if it's been four years. Have a slideshow prepared and running. Everyone would love to hear about the time you got food poisoning in Hong Kong again.

Sarge: Which reminds me, did I ever tell you guys that story about-

Everyone: Yes!

Sarge: Well you're gonna hear it again. That's an order!

Everyone: Oh god.

Sarge: Hot August summer. Back when Florida was still around.

Yang: Ah crap, I left my suitcase in the spinning thingy.

Grif: Don't worry I got it.