Chapter 43.
Sam went with Bobby and Mark to move the vehicles in the garage, making as much space for tables and dancing as possible. It was the largest open space available and seemed perfect for the party.
When all that was done, he went to his room and began to read Lazarus Rising, trying to prepare himself to read it with his mother. He still felt bad about trusting Ruby and he was sure Dean had not really forgiven it either. His reasons for not wanting Dean to read that one were as much self-preservation as a wish to protect Dean. He didn't want any reminders of those difficult times to bring back all the anger and resentment of the past.
Reading about Dean's return from Hell was weird. He had heard the story from Dean and from Bobby, but he had never realised how terrifying and confusing it had been for Dean at the time.
It helped to be reading the book at a time when Sarah was expected very soon. He could not lose his composure and he also would not have time to read too much.
He knew things would have been different, had Dean never gone to Hell to save him from death. Dean had always felt worthless to a degree, though to Sam, he had always seemed like the centre of the universe, but it was Hell that had made him hate himself. Without those few months, which had been decades for Dean, he would have suffered a lot less.
Of course, without the damnation, there would have been no need for angelic intervention. They would never have met Cas and Castiel would have remained one of Heaven's drones, incapable of independent thought and ready to kill without question.
He didn't know which one he considered better off, Dean without the self-loathing or Dean with Cas. He wanted to erase Hell for Dean even more than he wished he could do it for himself, but would he have used his hypothetical time machine to save Dean from forty years of Hell if it would mean he would never have his best friend? Of that, he was unsure.
He wanted to talk to someone, but Dean, Jack and Sarah were together and he wasn't ready for that group therapy session and Cas was at his most vulnerable and needed nobody else's problems. Going to his mother to talk about Hell seemed unfair too. He knew he should handle it alone for now. Dean would tell him to just bury it as deep as it would go and deal with it if and when it burrowed back up.
He went to the library. Cas was there, sitting in silence, no book for once, fiddling with the talisman around his neck. "Are you okay?" said Sam.
"I'm not taking it off." said Cas.
"I never thought you were." said Sam. He sat opposite Cas. "This is temporary." he said.
"Until we find a permanent fix." said Cas.
"Or decide we don't need one. That's always an option." said Sam.
"You know that it isn't." said Cas.
"I know you think it isn't." said Sam, "But I also know things change, often dramatically. So we always try to keep an open mind."
"I accept this as the price I have to pay to stay here and stay alive." said Cas, "I don't have to offer myself for smiting, because this lump of silver makes me harmless."
"You know Dean and I would never have let you do that." said Sam, "And you're not dangerous, just afflicted."
"Change is hard." said Cas, "And angels adapt slowly." Sam thought it sounded like he was quoting Sarah. "I will be fine. I am fine."
"You're Winchester fine." said Sam, "And that's not the same thing at all."
"You don't seem too fine yourself." said Cas, "You know my troubles. Time to share yours."
"Mine are all in the past." said Sam.
"They seem to be bothering you now." said Cas.
"For once in your life, Cas, put yourself first."
"Sarah says I have to tomorrow."
"I say you have to now. You were created for service, but not our service. You're not a servant now, not here."
"Servants care very little for their masters, but brothers ... "
Sam nodded. "Yeah, I know. We're lucky to have you, Cas."
Cas smiled. "I'd accept a thousand curtailing talismans to keep your friendship and his."
"I'll do all I can to find a better solution." Sam promised, "We'll make this work for both of you."
"Dean has to be the priority."
"He says you are." said Sam.
"That's why he has to be. You know he will always sacrifice his own best interests for ours." said Cas.
Maggie ran into the library. "They're here and you should see the stuff they've brought!"
Sam smiled. "Cas, Jack and I are taking you away. Nobody should have to set up their own party."
"I need to speak to Sarah first." said Cas.
"Of course. And then, we must introduce her to Mom."