Wolf Boy
Disclaimer; all characters and copyright belong to SM.
A/N-thank you for the kind reviews!
Part Thirty-Nine
Five days later;
"You alright now?" Connie asked Bella, putting her hands on either side of her face and looking at her in concern.
Bella nodded and licked her lips, they tasted salty for some reason, and then she realised she was crying. She wiped her face and sniffed as she slowly became aware of her surroundings. She was in Connie's house in La Push. She and Charlie had been staying there while their house in Forks was being repaired. Colin had even given up his room for her. They were in the lounge. Bella looked over at Jake sitting on the couch, staring at the floor. His eyes were tight, his posture tense. Connie had just walked in on them having a blazing row.
"I'm not going to pretend to be ignorant about what is going on here." Connie said quietly. "You two have been through things no one your age should have had to suffer. Don't tear yourselves apart over what can't be changed." She sighed, stroking Bella's face gently as she got ready to leave again. "Please, talk to each other this time without the yelling. I'll be back later."
When Connie was gone Jake walked over and wrapped her in a tight hug. "Damn it, Bells. I hate it when it we argue. I love you. But you can't keep doing this to me. You could have died! You keep breaking your promise. Every time I leave you alone, I'm scared something else is going to happen." He ranted, as he rocked her back and forth gently.
"I'm sorry." Bella said weakly. "I don't know what else to say to make this right."
Jake hugged her tightly. She was always so sorry afterwards. He wanted to forgive her for placing herself in unnecessary danger. Colin had been so close to her when he phased, she could have been another Emily, or worse lost her life. He would be forever grateful to the young shifter for saving Bella, but the truth was the poor kid shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place. That was all on Bella.
"Please, Jake, tell me what to do. I'll do anything you want to prove that I mean what I say this time." Bella pleaded.
"I don't know, Bells." Jacob said thickly. "I just don't know."
The hopelessness in his voice sent Bella reeling. The remorse she was feeling for the stupidity of her actions couldn't be put into words. She didn't blame him for feeling resentful toward her, but was scared that he wouldn't be able to forgive her this time. It was creating a barrier between them. They had overcome so much together, but this was proving their greatest test yet. Jacob's faith, his trust in her had been broken. She was frightened that it was damaged beyond repair.
"Connie's right, we can't keep arguing like this." Jacob said tiredly as he pulled away and took her hand instead.
"I know that, Jake." Bella tried to smile but it came out more like a grimace instead. "I'm sorrier than I can say." She raised a shaky hand and swiped at her tears again.
Jacob shook his head and clenched his jaw, taking a deep breath, obviously trying to keep himself calm before speaking. "I think I just need time, Bells."
Bella felt the familiar panic of rejection fluttering in her chest. She tried to keep her voice steady when she responded. "I love you, Jake. I'll prove that you can trust me again. I prom- "
"No, don't make me any promises." Jacob answered dully.
Bella cringed into him, wanting this all to be a bad dream. She knew he was suffering from more than a sense of betrayal. Being forced to kill the guy whose life had been destroyed by his own mother had broken something inside of him. She wasn't the only one who was aware of the changes in him-his brothers, Billy, Charlie, even Connie could see that he was struggling to deal with what he had done.
Before her stupidity had shattered his faith in her, Bella knew she was the one he would have confided his deepest fears and regrets to, but now he was shutting her out, just like he was everyone else. It was killing him. Jacob wasn't one to lock down his emotions forever.
"Please, talk to me, Jake." Bella whispered. "You haven't spoken about what happened with Trent. I mean I know the bald facts, but I don't know how you're…"
"There's nothing to say." Jacob's jaw was still tight, but his iron hard control was wavering. "We burned the Cullens crypt to flush him out. When he appeared, we killed him."
"But it's had an effect on you." Bella knew it was her fault that he couldn't confide in her. She reached for his face, her fingers stroking the hot skin of his cheek. "Don't bottle it all up, Jake."
"You'd know all about that." Jacob snapped at her.
Bella flinched away from him. Tears welled in her eyes as she focused her gaze on her shaking hands. "You're right." She muttered.
Jacob winced at the pain in her voice. He hated upsetting her. He loved her so fucking much, he couldn't live without her. That's why her reckless disregard for her own safety was fuelling his resentment toward her. "I shouldn't have said that." He apologised.
Bella drew in a shaky breath. She chewed on her lower lip, feeling weak suddenly, defeated. "I deserved it."
Jake huffed out a frustrated breath and sat back down on the couch. He dragged his fingers through his black hair. "You see that's the problem. You don't deserve it. I don't deserve it! None of us do. Even Trent-as sick and twisted as he was-didn't deserve it. One poor choice made by my mother has ruined so many lives, and we're the ones living with the consequences!" His head fell into hands and his body began to shake. "I hate her, Bells. I hate my own mother for tearing all our lives apart!"
Bella wanted to go and comfort him. She wanted to sit down next to him and cradle him in her arms, whispering sweet words of consolation. But she couldn't. The parallels between her and Sarah were striking. Both of them, in a selfish disregard for their own safety and those who loved them, had made poor choices, choices that had impacted on others lives. She realised now why her promises to Jacob sounded so hollow. She knew why he couldn't forgive her. She had let him down again and again, just like Sarah had done to him and Billy every time she promised to change and stop drinking.
This new self-knowledge was like an arrow straight to her heart. It left her raw and bleeding. "Jake, I am so in love with you." She said hoarsely. "I'll never stop loving you."
Jake's face shot up. The moisture in his eyes reflected his deep pain as he looked at her in confusion. "Why do you sound like you're saying goodbye?"
"I'm no good for you." Bella slipped her arms around her body as she tried to hold the broken pieces of herself together. "I keep hurting you even though I keep promising I'll stop."
"Damn it, Bella! Don't you dare!" Jacob ranted, not really able to get his words out.
"I have to dare." Bella tried to sound strong even though her heart was breaking. "I dare because I love you enough to let you go. I won't do what Sarah did to you and Billy. I won't be the person who breaks you."
Jacob sat on the couch, shocked, staring at her, his eyes wide with disbelief for a few minutes before he seemed recover his wits. He shook his head as if to clear it and then his eyes snapped back to hers. "Is that the same speech the bloodsucker gave to you before he dumped you in the woods?" He questioned sarcastically.
A gush of air left Bella's body and she suddenly felt faint. She stumbled, one hand reaching out to the wall to steady herself. "Jake, please, don't bring E…Edward into this."
"Why not, Bella?" Jacob snapped, rising angrily to his feet. "He's the one who left because he was too much of a coward to stay. But I'm still here! I'm always here. Whatever you throw at me I always stay." His voice cracked on the last word and he collapsed on the couch again, his anger leaving him as swiftly as it had come.
"Oh, god, what am I doing?" Bella cried in despair. She rushed over to Jacob and hugged him tightly. "I hate that I keep hurting you. I don't want to be Sarah all over again."
Jake gasped looking at her. "Is that what I made you think?"
"I keep making poor choices like she did, Jake. I'm selfish. I promise to be careful and then I go and break that promise at the first opportunity. I've hurt so many people, but you most of all."
Jacob was stunned. He put his hands on either side of Bella's face and looked deeply into her sad brown eyes. "You are nothing like Sarah. I love you, Bells. I love you more than my own life. I'm so scared of losing you that it kills me that you don't seem to have the same regard for your own life as I do." He hushed her when she tried to apologise again. "I know you didn't mean to do it." He buried his face in the side of her neck. "I am seriously pissed at you. But I will get over it."
Bella let out the breath she didn't realise she was holding and began to cry silent tears of relief.
"I'm going to say what I said before. Until we deal with the red headed bitch you can't ever put yourself in a situation like that again. You have to think about your every move and you must never put yourself in danger again. I don't care what the reason is; its not a good enough reason for you to get hurt. Do you understand me?" Jacob practically growled.
Bella nodded. "I love you, Jake." She murmured, closing her eyes as the tears spilled down her cheeks.
"I love you too, honey." Jacob said huskily, bending his head and kissing her gently. By the time he pulled away they were both slightly breathless. They remained quiet for a while before he spoke again. "Bells, can I ask you something?" He took her hand and weaved their fingers together. "You weren't really going to finish with me, were you?"
Bella hated the doubt in his eyes. "I would never have followed through with it. I would have lasted two seconds before I was on my hands and knees begging you to take me back."
Jacob smiled as he pulled her in for another kiss. This time it was a genuine smile, the special one he reserved just for her. He continued to kiss her, softly and tenderly, making her feel like the most special girl in the world.
While they were so occupied with each other they didn't see the door open slightly as Connie peered through the gap, Charlie was standing behind her. "What's going on in there?" He asked impatiently.
Connie smirked as she closed the door quietly. "All you need to know is that they've made up." She said, patting him on the chest. "It looks like we're eating out tonight." She laughed, capturing his hand and pulling him back outside.
A/N-thanks for reading!