XXXII.
The thought found her before she had even realized what she was doing. Together with Rick, Amanda stood at the threshold of the infirmary, looking at the desperately weeping with screams woman in Beth's arms in a deep, heartfelt anguish for the death of her husband, and she couldn't help herself but think…this could have been me… It was shameful, cruel, even heartless, but she couldn't help it… She just couldn't as if what Rick had asked—her, what they had just decided hit her at full weight, knocking the breath out of her. She was going to marry, she was going to marry Rick Grimes, and there was a big probability that this crazy woman with grief would be her one day.
The fear…a dread she had never felt this deeply before grabbed her and she clutched Rick's hands, as if to make sure herself he was still there, and Amanda didn't know what to do—what she was supposed to do, her insides coiling with the frightening aspect of what she had realized, her heart seizing with shame and cruelty of her own thought, but it was just there. And it wasn't going anywhere.
She'd never thought of that before. Yes, she'd feared so much he would leave her one day, but not like that, never like that. She'd never feared losing him that way. Rick was always there, like a stone pillar that held their world upon, you could always count on him doing that. That was the man he was, the cloth he was made of, and Amanda loved him for that, she was a sucker that way, but as she looked at Maggie as the woman cried her heart out over her husband's death, Amanda thought the worst, the absolutely worst…the most terrifying what if all of her life.
What if she really lost him? What if Rick one day didn't come back? What she would've done then? What she would've done now without him? The thought almost brought her on knees, crying as much as the other woman—and she was being selfish again—insensitive and selfish, still thinking herself even now, through other's miseries, but she just couldn't stop it… She just… she just couldn't live without him…not after what he'd given to her—not after he'd made her realize how much she wanted it…
Her baby! Her hand went to her belly on instinct, leaving off Rick's, her shoulders sagging, another dread gripping her… What, what she really would have done if she lost Rick and stayed alone with her baby—with his baby…their baby… She couldn't do this alone… She wanted a baby, but his baby. She couldn't do this without him. She just couldn't. She needed him... Beth had believed in her, believed that she could be more, but without Rick, Amanda would've never tried—would've never wanted to…would've never dared to…
Swallowing hard, she tried to get a grip on herself, on her fears, and turned her eyes at Rick. Her fears always made her lose her shit. Rick didn't need to deal with them. Later…later, she would try, maybe her feelings…they were just too new…too heavy, she needed to time work through them. She had never felt anything like this before…never felt this out of her depths. Rick would know what to do…he always did. He would calm her down. He would take her in his arms, make love to her until he made sure she knew…felt he was there, not going anywhere—never leaving her… never… and she just wanted him to do it… wanted him to take her back to the house and fuck her—drilled it into her like he'd done before—his eyes staring at hers, making her feel it… feel it in her every pore, in her every cell.
She turned her eyes at him—and saw his expression…
Good lord! She was the most, the most selfish bitch she'd ever known! Even now she thought of herself in her usual ways, not caring… not even thinking how he would feel… There was an acute pain over his features, etched on his skin, not as screaming as Maggie's but still as deep as hers as he stared at Maggie, who still cried in her sister's arms, his body cast off stone, stiff… but there was still a contained anger underneath of the stiffness…radiating out of him…
She knew the reason, too. Glenn… They would never let that idiot lead the run, but what they could've done? Start a power struggle from the first week? Or take it from Deanne? Deanne said—she'd said she would consider it. Rick would've done it at the end, but he didn't want to be that man…and Amanda loved him even more for that, admired him… admired his strong will and resolution, still trying to be a good man… what he'd told her how he'd tried before to show his son another life was possible just a few minutes ago had made her chest so tightened, made her feel so…full of love, she couldn't bring herself say no to him when he had told her to marry him, because—she wanted to—god, she wanted to be his wife… it was crazy, her being anyone's wife, it was crazy but perhaps she was just going crazy. He always made her crazy…with love.
Still, this wouldn't have happened if the older woman had listened to them. And Rick's expression said it all, too. He also knew that.
Amanda didn't know how he must be feeling right now, but she knew how deeply Rick cared for his family. Glenn was one of the people who had been with them since the beginning, and she knew Rick trusted the younger man. Rick… he wasn't going to take this well, she then realized, not even a bit.
A sudden panic started building up inside her, pushing back her confused emotions, and looking at him as he silently, but deeply felt the loss of his friend, another death of his family, she felt the familiar helplessness from her childhood again. She knew she had to do something, be there for him, offer some sort of comfort, she was going to be his damn wife, and a wife… a wife must do something for her husband in times like these, but the only thing she could manage was just standing there—gaping at him in silence, unable to speak a word. She'd never really believed herself having the wife material, and her reasons had never been more obvious to her than right now as she looked at him helplessly, feeling at lost.
"How did it happen?" Rick asked with a low voice at Eugene who was sitting at Tara's unconscious body at the bed closest to them, "Did you see it?"
Eugene shook his head as the other guy—Nicholas said from the bed across it as the doctor checked a wound over his head, "We—Me, Glenn and Noah got trapped inside the warehouse. I—"
"Noah—?" she whispered out, realizing he wasn't in the infirmary either, much like Aiden.
Eugene ran his eyes away, as Nicholas nodded, "I'm sorry."
If it was possible, Amanda felt even more terrible. Another person she'd failed to protect. Noah had always behaved he was more of Rick's people than hers, but Amanda had never cared. He—he'd wanted to stay in the hospital and that made him her own people, and he had died now—like almost everyone else she was supposed to look after for.
"Aiden?" Rick asked then.
Nicholas shook his head, and started recounting what had happened, how Aiden's blind shooting got Tara almost blow up to smithereens, got himself killed, and how they got stuck in the revolving doors, and how Glenn tried to save himself, but couldn't make it…taking off Noah, as well…
"Glenn—" Rick said then, "Glenn tried to get you out so he could run off?" Rick asked, suspicion and disbelief clear in his voice, his eyes boring holes into the other man's skull.
Nicholas gave Rick a look, shaking his head, "It was… it was a nightmare there after the bomb went off…" Nicholas said with a shutter, running his eyes away. "We all panicked."
Rick gave at him a stare, and Amanda shared his suspicion as well. It didn't sound like the man she'd seen on the road. Maggie's husband looked like one of those people, believers… who would try to save others, but then again he was also a man who he loved his wife as deeply as Rick loved his family so maybe… she didn't know what to think. Sometimes you found yourself being capable of doing things you could never imagine, they all knew it, and no one's hands were clean now. It wasn't like that if something else happened, the man would have told it to Rick, either.
Rick must have thought of the same, too, because he turned and looked at Eugene. "You saw what happened?"
The man with funny hair shook his head. "I'd gone to pick up the truck. I just saw Nicholas running away from the walkers."
"But did you see them…dead?" Rick asked, walking at him, and Amanda realized what he exactly was trying to ask. Rick wasn't going to take the man's words for that.
"It's my good estimation that no one would get out of there alive," the fake scientist remarked in a more agitated manner than his usual banal tones, cornering into the wall as Rick approached him, "When I came back, I save them both." He shook his head at Tara and Nicholas. "There was no one else."
Rick gave him another look, "Are you sure—" he asked again, stressing the words out, "are you completely sure?"
Eugene nodded as Maggie's cries grew even worse, Beth was crying too, holding on her tighter. Maggie then pushed herself out of her arms… "You're lying!" she screamed at Nicholas, "Glenn would've never done something like that!" she spat, "Never!"
Rick walked to her and held her at her upper arms before she attacked at Nicholas. She lifted her head up at him. "Rick…" the grief stricken woman said through cries, "We survived through worse odds, he still could be alive."
Hope…Amanda saw at her face, denial and hope…the first stage of grief… Rick looked at her back, but then Amanda saw the same thing over his face as well.
No! She almost shouted out the word, understanding where this really was going—that Rick really wasn't going to take their words. No one had seen Glenn dead, not like Aiden. Her fear and panic boomed up like a volcano inside her, and for a second—for a second, Amanda once again couldn't decide if she kicked his ass being this stupid, or kissed him fiercely for being this…good.
This time, though, unlike the other times, fear won over. She couldn't lose him—she just couldn't… She just got him. Maybe… maybe she was carrying his baby inside her tummy… "Rick…" she breathed out.
He didn't turn to her, but instead looked at Daryl. "Get Abraham and Rosita," he ordered to their resident tracker, "We're leaving."
Daryl nodded as he shared a brief look with Beth then turned around. She was about to open her mouth again, but Maggie beat her to it, "I'm coming too."
Rick shook his head. "No. You stay."
Maggie shook her head back, "I'm coming. He's my husband. I'm not leaving him."
Rick walked in on her and held her at her shoulders again. "Maggie, we're not leaving him," he said, "We'll go and find him. But you have to be here. I need you here."
Amanda knew what the words meant. Maggie was a liability now, too emotional, and she would jeopardize them in the field, something Rick would never allow. He would never let anything jeopardize their safety, she knew it from the first time she took a step in the camp at the church, and got threatened. Maggie looked torn too, sensing it. But then again, it was her husband who was out there. Once again Amanda put herself in her position and her chest tightened again… She shook her head. She didn't need to put herself in her position.
Her soon to be husband was going to be out too! Perhaps on a suicide mission. Eugene had said… they didn't see it…but really how much chance anyone would have? She knew that was the man she'd fallen in love but she—she was just afraid… Rick walked to her, releasing Maggie. "Amanda—"
She took his arm and pulled him out of the infirmary. "Rick…" she said, "They're probably didn't make it…" she told him as soft as she could be…"I—I want to save Noah, too, I really do—but—"
He cut her off, "When the prison fell, Amanda," he told her back, "I saw Judith's stroller covered with blood. I assumed her dead. I didn't want to hope. But Tyreese had found her. Carol had saved them." He shook his head, "I'm not doing it again, Amanda." He paused, "They don't know it for sure. I have to know for sure. Glenn—he saved me, back at the ending he saved me at the city. He helped me when he had no reasons. He brought me back to my family. He's my family."
And Rick would never abandon his family. She nodded. "Then I'll come too," she said. If he was going, so Amanda decided, she was going too. She still wasn't Maggie.
But Rick shook his head at her too. "Amanda—"
"No!" she cut in, "You go, I go."
"No," Rick told her flatly, "I can't have you out—not now…not when you might be…" His eyes lifted at her eyes, and his fingers brushed at her stomach, and Amanda understood. "You have to stay."
Her hands went to her stomach, but she shook her head. "Rick... it's only been a day… I can't get pregnant over a day."
"You still stay."
Amanda couldn't decide if he sounded like he was an overprotective prick, but she had always hated taking unnecessary risks. But this wasn't an unnecessary risk. What if something happened to him out there, something she could have hindered if she had been there...? She couldn't lose him…she just couldn't. She looked at him for a second, trying to decide, then she saw Deanne Monroe walking toward the infirmary.
Her husband was behind her too, as his other son; the first crying, the latter with a blazing fury as Deanne looked at them with red eyes, face with the color of ash, ashen but without tears. There was a cold starkness over her blank face, though… A mother who had lost her son…her firstborn…
Her hands on her stomach tightened, the fear gripping her again, Rick was right. They couldn't risk it… She didn't want to risk her baby…even if it wasn't there yet… All in frankness she had no idea how the conception truly worked in the pregnancy, though she knew it could happen through a period of time, but the actual pregnancy—the implantation didn't s start immediately. She might have an egg fertilized but she knew she wasn't still technically pregnant, but then again, there was this woman in the department who took a few weeks off when she tried to get pregnant, because her doctor told her to lay down to get her fertilized egg attached into her… so maybe…maybe she really stayed put and let her baby attached on her uterus.
"Aiden?" Deanne asked, as a woman who was readying herself for the first, "Is it true?"
In silence, Rick nodded. Her son rushed to Rick, "What happened?" he bellowed out, "WHAT happened to my brother?"
Rick pushed the aggressive man and nodded at the infirmary inside. "Go ask them. They left behind Noah and Glenn. I'm going to look for them," he told them, climbing down the stairs.
Amanda gave a look at Deanne. She couldn't even comprehend how it must be for the woman now…losing a child… her hand went her stomach again... wondering if her baby had really attached itself on her… "I'm sorry," she told the older woman then, "I'm really sorry, Deanne."
# # #
Amanda found them as Beth sat on the infirmary's porch with Maggie later in the night, all left behind, in waiting—waiting for the men they loved to turn back. Amanda sat on the first steps, and shook her head, "I'm fucking hating it."
Beth agreed. Waiting was the worst, knowing your loved ones went to the danger, not knowing if they would come back. Beth had grown accustomed to the feeling in her time in the prison. She'd thought that was her job then, and it was—she'd gracefully accepted when they hadn't taken her when they'd gone to Woodbury to look for again Glenn and Maggie but Beth was no longer the same girl. She'd gone far from that girl now… She didn't know what she was exactly, but waiting didn't suit her now. That much she already knew, had already realized with her episodes with Daryl.
She'd thought she'd done with waiting, but here again… she was waiting—and this time it was even worse because she knew she could help—she could be there and help but Rick was in his episodes too, and Daryl was always overprotective of her, and well, Maggie…she needed her.
Beth wasn't sure of what to make of that, either. Maggie gave out a bitter snicker at Amanda's typical exclamation, but didn't speak. She was still in pain, but she'd stopped crying. When Rick had decided to go look for Glenn, she had at least stopped crying. Beth didn't what to feel, it'd happened so—sudden, she wasn't ready to deal with Maggie, but she couldn't just turn away and ignore her… she was still her sister. She'd told her she'd forgiven her, but since that day they'd talked, they weren't in a much of dialogue…and it didn't disturb her. It felt like they were sort of former best friends that had been close before but grew apart… and they did, they just grew apart, and Beth didn't mind it. She just didn't.
She had her own family now, much like Maggie, her own friends… Even their houses were separate now, and it wasn't a conscious thought, it just happened that way. But when she'd seen Maggie falling at the ground in the infirmary, seeing Glenn wasn't there, she'd been the first one to rush at her side.
She'd held her bigger sister in her arms, cried with her…had told her it was going to be okay. Her heart broke in two seeing her like this, a devious thought in her mind, a fear asking how it could have been if she lost Daryl too… and how it must hurt Maggie now… she loved Glenn so fiercely, Beth sometimes used to even get jealous of that, thinking if she would have someone she could love that much, that fiercely—but she had been so afraid then—couldn't even bring herself cry after Zach—then Daryl came, and Beth understood.
"He's going to be okay," Beth told her sister, holding her hand, her voice decisive, her hand tight, "He'll come back."
Maggie looked at her back with hope and tears, "Do you really believe it?" she asked in a low whisper.
Beth nodded, "I do," she said, as Amanda twisting her head looked up at him, "We're all going to be okay," Beth told them, her voice getting higher, "We all are. Glenn will come back. You'll be happy again. Daryl and I will be happy. Rick and Amanda will have a baby. We all will be good."
Maggie's eyes turned to Amanda, as Beth bowed her head, slipping off Amanda and Rick's little secret… "Are you…?" Maggie asked.
Wordlessly, Amanda nodded, then she sighed out, "Rick and I—uh—we decided to marry tonight…" she then stated, "Before…this…" she waved her hand in the air, "we were just talking about…rings."
Once again, Beth stared at her in shock.
Amanda let out another deep sigh, Maggie played with her own ring. Beth rested her back at the railings. "I'm fucking hating this," she murmured.
They sat down at the porch's steps in silence then, waiting, taking support from each other's silent company, simply be there for each other… until they heard sounds from the side of the gates—
They sprung on their feet and started running.
And there they stood, Rick and Daryl, just ahead of Abraham and Rosita—hands bloodied but holding a Glenn, all covered with blood and guts but still…alive.
Maggie fell on her knees, already crying again, and Beth followed, throwing her arms around her—and started crying too.
# # #
"It's bullshit!" Rick yelled at Deanne after she'd done with interviews, registering all depositions at the camera, after they had come back, listening to both sides of the story.
Rick didn't fucking have to listen. He'd already known, never believed a word of that bastard, even before they'd found Glenn at the warehouse, covered with walker's blood and guts, alone. Noah hadn't made it. But Glenn had made it. If he choose to between them…no… he'd gone to find Glenn. Glenn was the family, Noah just was with them, and it was just that way. He would've protected the boy, if nothing but for Amanda and Beth, but Noah wasn't like Glenn.
Though, still, if he couldn't have protected him, he would just avenge him. "I'm going to—" he started but Amanda cut in, looking at him pointedly.
"Rick!" she called out at him, "It's been a long night. And we all…suffered," she said, softening her tone a bit, "We should talk it tomorrow."
Rick turned and gave Deanne a look, as the woman turned it with a hard one, as cold as her face, and Rick felt the anger dwindling a bit, remembering across them sat a woman who had lost her son tonight. A son whose stupidity almost got Glenn killed, got Noah faced with a terrible end...
It was a long night, all too long… His thought turned to Amanda, how she was going to feel when they were alone. She was going to take Noah's death well. He could still remember her after Whitney. She looked composed now, but Rick knew it was a front. He'd gotten all familiar with her acts. She hated when people died on her as much as he did. "It's bullshit!" he repeated, with a less of killing intent, "He left them to save his own skin," he hissed, "and now he's making up stories."
Deanne shook her head. "Glenn said he was trying to break the glass to save them—"
"Glenn said he pushed them out to save himself…"
"And Nicholas said he didn't—Glenn tried to do it…"
"Do you believe this?" Rick asked.
"Do you?" Deanne asked back.
"No." Rick said adamantly, "It's not Glenn."
"Do you have any proof backing up that belief, Rick?"
His eyes found hers, "I don't need proof," he said coldly, "I already knew."
Deanne levelled a look back at him. "I see," she said flatly, "So we're supposed to take your words for it because you knew."
Anger found him even worse. "I already knew he was going to get people killed!" he seethed out, "I told you too, Deanne."
Deanne's face turned even colder understanding about whom he was talking. "I think you should leave now, Rick."
Oh, but he was just getting started. He'd told her… just like he'd known, her son's stupidity got himself and others killed. Just like predicted, either they were going to turn to the real world or they were going to die… Damn him, if he let them taking his people together along themselves! Shooting at a walker like that…like…like it was a fun! Tara was still lying in the infirmary!
He opened his mouth again, but Amanda held his arm. "Rick—" Her voice was small, she was trying to keep herself upright, but her reserves were shaking… then she said, "Please. It's not the time."
Rick felt his own reserves shattering at her sight, too. She'd been so scared at the infirmary; he felt it when she grabbed his hand out of sudden. This…this was just another reminder of how safe they were not.
This was supposed to be their night! He'd asked her to marry him. He'd asked another woman to marry him. They should've been in the bed now, making love or playing with Judith…not this—not this fucking shit… not just after they'd decided to have a child, not just after what he'd promised her last night. This wasn't the real life, this wasn't even a life. He needed to keep them safe, all of them, but yet again he was failing… and this time it was so close… but what would happen the next time?
Anger was building up in him again, so he turned on his heels and left the room before he exploded. Amanda followed her out quickly.
When they returned to the house, he went to look for Judith. She was with Carl. Amanda took her from Carl and looked at Rick. She started going to their room. Carl gave him a look. "Are you okay, dad?" his son asked.
Holding his shoulder, Rick nodded. "Yeah. I'm now," he breathed out, watching Amanda walking with Judith, then turned his eyes at Carl, "Go to sleep. It's been a long night."
In silence, Carl nodded.
Rick followed Amanda to the room and saw her as she placed Judith into her cot at the other side of their bed as Rick sat at the edge of the bed.
Amanda walked to him then and sat beside him. "I'm fucking hating this," Rick muttered out, looking at his hands, blood covered. He knew he should take a shower, get clean again, but he wondered why he would try…why they would ever try… at the end their hands would get bloodied again.
It just never ended… "I'm sorry, Amanda…" he told her then, bowing his head, "I'm really sorry."
She shook her head, and held his hand. "It wasn't your fault," she told him back and leaned down to find his eyes, "Not everything is your fault, Rick."
"I—I was so afraid…I lost Glenn… If he died tonight…" he faltered. If Glenn died tonight because of their…stupidity, Rick just didn't know what he would have done. He still didn't know he would do—what he was supposed to do, but if he lost Glenn, too… He had already lost too much.
"I know—" Amanda said, straightening back, releasing his hand.
"About Noah… I'm so—" he started, but she cut him off, too.
"Wasn't your fault, either…" she said, "I wish…I wish…we could save them… we could save them all, but I know it's not possible." She paused, "I'm just…glad you're all back. I know…I know it's not right, and I feel like I failed Noah too, but you came back, Daryl came back, Glenn came back—it could've been worse." She paused again, "When I saw Maggie…I got so afraid."
"I'm sorry—" he told her again, "This was…this was supposed to be our night. I—I just asked you to marry me—and we're talking about this."
She let out a bitter laugh. "I know." She sighed out, "I know..." They fell in silence then, before she said with a voice clearer, "She's got a point, Rick," she told him, and Rick what she was referring to, "You know, but you don't have proof."
"I don't need proof," he repeated, shaking his head. He didn't need something he already knew. "He left Glenn and Noah to die so he could save himself."
"We all did terrible things, Rick," Amanda said then, "I talked to women to whore themselves out to keep men happy, closed my eyes and turned my head to the other side when they didn't want to… I plotted murders, killed… never lost any sleep over it, either." She paused, "I know they were bad…I know they deserved it. But…" She let out another sigh, "None of us hands are clean now."
Understanding her point, he nodded. "No." His hands were even dirtier. He'd done even worse. He'd killed, threatened, tortured—did what he had to do to protect his family. "It's the way of the things are now." He shook his head again, "But I tried, I really did, Amanda…"
She held his hand again. "I know." Her eyes found his again, "Nicholas was a whimpering coward, but he wanted to save himself… Can you… can you really fault him for that?" she asked.
There was no hesitation in his answer, "If saving himself gets my people dead, yes," he said, "There's a reason why the third question is why, Amanda."
But Amanda shook her head. "If it was you," she told him, her eyes still on his, "If it was you there trapped, you know you would've done the same…" Her eyes skipped at Judith, and Rick followed them too, "If it was you, Rick, you would've sacrificed Nicholas to save yourself. For us."
Again, there was no hesitation in his answer, "Yes."
He'd already told it to Deanne. Saving himself, staying alive was the only way to protect them. He used to wonder if that was him or Shane…but Rick had realized a long ago it made no difference now. A long while ago he'd turned to the man who had killed to keep her family safe.
Her face stiff, Amanda nodded, too. "Yes, and that's the man you're. The man we need," she said, "When I see Maggie tonight…" she went on, letting a breath out, "the first thing I thought was…that woman could have been me… I know it's horrible, I know I'm the most selfish bitch in this shithole but as she cried her heart out, all I could think of what if I lost you too one day… I hated it, Rick. I so fucking hated it."
"That's why they needed to listen to me when I told them Glenn had to lead…" he told her back, "So I wouldn't have sat down here at the night I asked a woman to marry me—the woman who is going to carry my child, wondering how many of them will I need to kill before they stop killing themselves."
She let out another deep sigh, pulling her hand, looking around…then whispered again… "I know…"
For the rest of the night, they stopped talking.
# # #
They didn't talk in the morning as well.
The day started slow, as if everyone was wary what would happen now. After taking their deposition, Deanne had sent both Glenn and Nicholas at their houses, ordering them to stay in put until she decided what to do. Amanda knew everyone was also expecting Rick's move, too, for that Amanda couldn't be sure anymore.
She wasn't even sure if he'd ever slept last night. Later in the night, he'd come for her, pulling her underneath him, and never letting her go. It was so intimidate again, like their last time, this time his eyes kept staring at her as he drilled in her, as if making sure he was there, securely holding her under him… like she had wanted…needed… and he'd realized it, he'd realized what she needed even though they hadn't talked about it. But again, he always did it. He knew what she needed even before she did…
After they were done, feeling so much spent, not only at body, but also in mind, Amanda couldn't bring herself to speak up again…so she slowly lulled into sleep as Rick stared at the ceiling. When she woke up the next morning, he was still in the same position, still staring above. He'd told her then he was going out the woods and would come back later to talk with Deanne. Amanda knew he wanted to clear his head off, and the town wasn't the place, so she'd nodded in silence as he hid his gun under his shirt, gave her a quick peck on the lips, gave Judith a quick kiss on her forehead and left.
Amanda felt….she didn't know how it felt… so she sat in the bed, holding the baby at her bosom, watching his back… Her head tilted down, she stared at the baby. It was bizarre… just over a month ago, she'd been plotting murders, mutinies, fearing for her own life… now she was sitting in the bed, a baby in her arms, getting married—trying to have her own baby…
She dropped by the infirmary, checking out Tara—and to see Beth, too. Beth looked like at lost too, herself, as she was still dealing with Maggie, so she bailed out from there, deciding she could talk to the younger woman later.
She decided to see Deanne. Perhaps it'd been better if she talked with the other woman first, might find a common ground between, she always did…find common grounds. She still felt…they needed Deanne. She couldn't explain it, it was a gut feeling, and Amanda always trusted her guts feelings.
But the other woman wasn't at the house. "She's out…" her husband said, "she went to see the priest. We're… this is not a good time now. Just give her time to mourn," the old man…almost implored, and Amanda just nodded back.
"You want me to wait?" Rick asked later in the night as they retired to their own room to put down Judith after she had slept in the hall.
Amanda placed Judith into her cot, somehow the gesture had started coming to her natural…and swept her hand through her soft, blond baby hair. She'd been with the baby all day, not only because she didn't have anything else to do, but it felt to her she had to… If she was going to be Rick's wife… then it meant Judith was her responsibility now, too. So she'd taken the baby from Carol. "I know you're still thinking, Rick," she said, twisting over the cot to look at him.
He didn't say anything. "Just wait," she told him then, "Just wait, okay?"
Rick shook his head. "This…none of this would've happened if she listened to us, Amanda," he repeated.
"Yes," she said back, straightening from the cot. She'd been thinking too, today…trying to find her common ground…"She said she'd consider it. That part…that part with…favoring…she got a point there, too, Rick."
Rick stayed in silence, as if mulling what she had said in his mind, because he knew she got a point, too. They—he was asking too much of change on such a short period of time. It didn't work that way, adaptation always took time. "Rome wasn't built in a day, Rick," she reminded him.
Rick gave her a look. "I thought you were wary of leaders with big ambitions, Amanda," he told her back.
Amanda heaved out deeply. "I am. But it doesn't mean I don't recognize the fact that we'd have still been in our caves without them." She gave him a long back too, "You promised me, Rick. A real life."
"Nicholas…" Rick said back, shaking his head a little, but Amanda already realized they'd started…bargaining for her common ground. "He's gotta go," he continued, "He's a threat. I won't have him putting us into jeopardy."
"I know," Amanda repeated, much like she'd been doing since last night, and told him the threat he'd made to her when she had come to the camp the first time, a lifetime ago now… "If you try to pull something—one little, smallest thing that would put anyone here in jeopardy, I'll kill you myself," she quoted, "I still remember it. I know you'll kill him."
Rick simply nodded in answer. "But just wait a little while," Amanda said then, holding the railings of the little bed. "Deanne won't like it. This's gonna start something, you know it."
Even though she would get Deanne agree with him on Nicholas, the older woman would never let Rick execute someone. Deanne was too civilized for that, she wasn't like them. Amanda had already realized that, too. She knew where this was going, and she knew where she was standing too… but… but if she…stopped this before thing blew out of proportion, and guns started blazing, then perhaps…they would really find a common ground. "She's in mourning" she told him, staring at his eyes, "She's lost her son, Rick."
And that was the only thing that would put Rick Grimes on hold from his decision, Amanda knew.
Again, he nodded in silence, accepting it. She let a small breath out. She'd just gained time…she would…do something.
It was still early to call it a day, but they didn't leave their room for the hall too. A heavy somber air was hung there like everywhere else in the town, everyone had slowly retreated to their own rooms.
So they went to bed, but they didn't fuck this time. Rick just lay down, pulling her closer to him, making lazy circles around her upper arm and shoulder as she rested herself half over his body, her head at his chest. Despite everything it still felt…nice. The silent wasn't disturbing, either, she usually got very tensed with silence—and when she was emotionally stressed she always started rambling, but she wasn't stressed, either.
She had no idea how she was…she couldn't call it exactly happiness—her stomach wasn't making those flip flops, her heart wasn't beating madly at her chest… she was just… she didn't know… But perhaps she wasn't supposed to know… perhaps she just should stop overthinking, overanalyzing every damn thing, she always overanalyze everything, always wary… always try to prepare herself for everything… there was no threat here, she was lying down in the arms of the man she loved… she could just…stop… just lay down—and enjoy—whatever the hell it was that she was feeling.
"I went to the woods today to look for a ring…" Rick said then after a while. Surprised, she lifted her head up at him on his chest, "Couldn't find one…to your liking. Sorry."
She smiled at him a bit, "Always a big stupid piece of rock, right?" she asked.
He nodded. "Some people are very…predictable."
"Hmm mm…" he hummed, and she rested her head back on his chest.
She let out a deep breath, "This is good…" she said, "Us… like this…I'd say almost…" she looked for the word again…
"Peaceful…?" Rick asked, and she realized it. It was just peaceful, them…being together like that, despite everything.
"Peaceful…" she muttered out back, "I'm kinda worried we just jinxed ourselves."
He smiled at that back, she sensed it. "Yeah, me too," he said, "Walkers might just attack—or overrun the place."
"Or the Wolves would throw Molotov cocktails," she supplied.
He sighed out, "There's that, too."
They strolled into another silence again, before Rick broke it up with a small, "Amanda…"
"Hmm?" she asked back.
"I'm very glad you wanted to see if I got the bite."
She smiled big. "So I am, Rick," she told him back, "I'm very glad you…bit me."
# # #
Two days later, in the morning, after they just woke up, they learned Deanne had sent Nicholas to the exile at the night.
A/N: First of all, got you there, right? Ha ha, if the show played with Glenn's death, I can do it, too! :) Feel pretty evil, yes.
But as storytelling purposes, if Glenn really died, I would never had Rick stay calm, not going on a total havoc over the idiots, and I didn't want that. In truth, I really thought of it, but it just wouldn't have worked.
I also gotta tell you from now on, the main pairing of this story will be Rick and Amanda, for the reasons, I started enjoying writing them much more than Beth and Daryl, and the canon revolves around Rick, so it's got more stuff, too. But Daryl and Beth still will be around, I think of them as a big family of four, and still have plans for them, too.
I also changed the summary etc, so I think the story is ready for the second phase, hope you'll stick around, enjoy.