To my surprise, Souji didn't traumatize Haruhi the slightest. I knew that he was enjoying kids's company, always playing with them and being nice to them but I didn't expect him to have the same patience during sword training. Kondou-san gave her an old brown hakama that was her size, something that used to belong to the Shieikan hall and she was wearing it on a daily basis on her black kimono with the Saito kamon. The commander was always praising me about her progresses. He was often going to see how it was going with Souji and I think that it was bringing back some cheerful memories of his dojo to his mind. I was glad that the kid managed to make her own place in the headquarters. I didn't have any reasons to complain about her now. She was respectful, useful and polite as expected from a Saito and she was making me proud.
Are you proud too, Yuki ? You wanted to be a warlord and your daughter soon will be a samurai. I will never let her have the same fate you had. I promise.
Since the first day Haruhi arrived, we had snowflakes every evening and I often caught myself speaking directly to them, in my thoughts. I believed she was sending me omens via these snowflakes and I enjoyed telling her about her daughter. I hoped she approved of my choices. Haruhi was my second chance. This time, I could make it right. I was making it right. I hoped...
Drinking tea outside my room before dinner, my eyes stopped on the snow bunnies next to me. Chizuru had taught Haruhi how to make them and she found it so entertaining that she made a lot. There were four bunnies and another one, smaller, that probably represented her since she put blueberries for the eyes. The other blueberry one was probably myself and redberry probably Chizuru. There was another one next to mine, with tiny leaves for the eyes and I supposed it represented Souji. But the last one... It was far from the pack and had blueberry eyes as well, looking at the others.
« Hajime. » said Haruhi, coming to seat next to me « I finished making dinner with Nagakura-san. »
I nodded, still looking at the little balls of snow.
« Is that Souji ? » i asked, showing her the green eyed one.
« Yeah. » she said proudly.
I smiled, happy to have been able to find who that was but I was still wondering about the lone bunny.
« And who's that one ? » I asked her.
« my mother. » she replied with a smile « she's looking at us to protect our family. »
I turned to her, not sure if I really heard the word « family » getting out of her mouth. Did she really consider us to be a family ? I felt... I don't know what I felt... A mix of love, happiness, relief, proudness, tenderness... But also fear and anxiety to not be good enough for this child who was thinking of me as a father.
« The eyes aren't right. » i just said and I stood up to fetch two red berries. I plucked out the blue ones and replaced them with the ones I just pick « she had the same as Chizuru's. »
She stayed silent a minute and looked up to me.
« Hajime... Are you my father ? » she asked. « The real one, I mean. Because... You know... If my mother didn't have blue eyes then... And you came looking for me so... »
« No. » i said to her and I could see the deception in her eyes « I didn't know your mother ten years ago. »
« Did you love her ? » she asked again. « You never talk to me about her. I don't even know how she died. »
I took a time to think. I don't know if it was the right time to explain to her the nature of my relationship to her mother. Could a child understand these kind of bonds that weren't dictated by amorous feelings ?
« I was her client at first » i started « then I became her friend. I freed her from her pleasure house but she betrayed me and I left her without ressources. » i paused « she killed herself. »
« But... She deserved it if she betrayed you so... Why taking me in ? »
« I started looking for you while she was still my friend. I wanted to know what happened to you. » i explained.
« I still don't understand why you felt bound to a child you never met and who isn't even your blood. » she said.
I looked at the snowflakes, thinking, and I decided to tell her the truth.
« Chizuru and I, we lost a child a few months ago. It wasn't even born. » i said calmly but the emotions were swirling in my chest like a hurricane. I knew that this wound would never heal. « Your mother, Yuki, she helped me get over it and told me about you. Then she died because of me. When i found you, it was too late for my child and too late for your mother. It wasn't too late for you. »
You are my redemption, Haruhi.
She stayed silent again, thinking and smiled genuinely.
« You saved me, Hajime. It doesn't matter if you're not my father, I'm a Saito now. I will make you proud. »
You're already making me proud.
« Let's go eat. » i said instead.
« Yeah » she chuckled « if we're late, Nagakura-san will probably have eaten it all when we arrive. »
We walked to the dining room and Haruhi spoke to me again.
« Can I change my room ? » she asked shyly.
« There is one available ? » i asked in return, surprised.
« I'd like to share with So... Okita-san. » she said, looking directly at my face.
« With Souji ?! » i repeated, disconcerted.
« Yeah ! It would be easier for the cleaning of his room and the training ! And maybe he could teach me to read and write in Chizuru's place since she's already so busy... »
« No. » i shook my head.
« But why ?! Okita-san is okay with it and my arguments were logical ! »
« Souji's an adult man. » i frowned, not believing I really had to explain it « It would be unseemly for a young girl to share his room. »
« So you think I'm still a whore. » she said, crossing her arms in anger.
« No. » i sighed « but I still cannot allow it. »
« I share your room and you're an adult man. » she muttered with a pout.
« As suitable since we are family. »
« Yeah well, Souji's not family ? » she asked again.
I crouched and grabbed her kimono sleeve to bring the kamon in front of her eyes.
« What does it say ? » i asked with an icy gaze.
« Saito. »
« And what is Souji's name ? »
« Okita. »
« Good. » i said, standing up. « You have your answer. »
I resumed walking and she did too, silent. I could see that she was disappointed and I would be lying if I said I didn't wanted my privacy back but I couldn't possibly let her share a room with Souji. It wasn't about her past as a prostitute and it wasn't either that I didn't trust Souji but she was nine and she was under my care. I was even surprised that Souji agreed to this. He was probably feeling lonely with the progression of his illness. He wasn't going on rounds anymore, wasn't fighting, wasn't training except with Haruhi because that didn't require a lot of strength. I knew that the day when he couldn't lift his sword anymore was coming soon. And then... The decay would get faster and Souji would die. I couldn't even imagine what he was going through. Would I be able to smile and joke like him if I was slowly dying ? Would I be able to keep on living as I watch my body slowly decay ?
We joined the others for the evening meal. It wasn't as bad as I expected. Haruhi used to be a terrible cook and Nagakura... Well let's just say he was better at eating it than at cooking it. I complimented Haruhi on her progresses and she smiled. Good. She didn't seem to resent me. My eyes met Chizuru's and she smiled too but hers was a bit forced. Her eyes weren't smiling with the rest and I wondered what could have happen.
When we finished the meal, Haruhi took the trays to bring them in the kitchen. She wasn't on dishes duty since she cooked but she volunteered to do it anyway to help Harada.
« Haru-chan » said Souji with a genuine smile « Do you want to train afterwards ? »
« Can I, Hajime ? » she asked shyly and I nodded to give her permission. « Thank you ! » she said, running back to the kitchen.
Souji smirked at me and I noticed Chizuru getting back to our room.
« Is it true you said to Haruhi she could share your room ? » i asked casually.
« It's her idea. » he shrugged « i told her you wouldn't agree. »
« And if I had ? »
« It wouldn't have been a problem for me. I like this kid. » he shrugged some more and smirked « it's not like i'm gonna have time to have some of my blood anyway. »
I stayed silent. I knew that he didn't have much time left but I still didn't like hearing him joke about it.
« Can you keep Haruhi busy for a moment ? » I asked him « I need to talk to Chizuru. »
« Okay, no problem. » he nodded with a wry smile « Enjoy your talk. »
I stood up, thanking him and went to the kitchen to make tea and bring her some. Seeing Chizuru sad was something I couldn't bear neither ignore. I had no idea what could make her feel this way but I wanted to help her, or at least, talk about it if there wasn't anything I could do for her.