Han wouldn't make it in before the CTC transport arrived, but that was okay. He was close enough, delayed for landing clearance because of all the mess of the refugee arrival.
Leia called it a mess. It wasn't; she was being unfair. She felt cranky.
There was no more darkness. Too many lights, everywhere. She'd gotten used to telling time by the sound of the sea. She could tell when the water level lowered; watched for the thin line that formed in the horizon separating sky from sea. She only knew what time it was now because everyone was supposed to be at the landing pad at a certain time and she had checked her chrono.
She had an hour still and was walking the far end of the shoal so no one would interrupt her. She stopped every once in a while, testing out a phrase, and after she rejected it walked some more.
Mon had wanted to breakfast with her, but Leia declined with the excuse she wanted to rehearse her speech. Mon had given her a funny look but let her go.
Because she knows, Leia thought. Mon was a fairly close associate of Leia's when she entered the Senate. Close, even though one was in hiding. But Mon still maintained ties with the Organas, and she knew Leia's talent for speaking extemporaneously.
The truth was there was no speech to rehearse. And any attempt at fell flat with a bitter irony that made her wince. She had not a word for the refugees. Not even welcome.
Because it wasn't a welcome. Inviting Alderaani to Buteral wasn't hospitality. It was more of an apology, an attempt at rectifying something that was impossible to recover. She was curious about what Mon would tell them. The Alliance started a war against the Empire, and you got caught in the middle. She wasn't glad to see them exactly, not really, because it was a reminder of what had happened. She could tell them she was sorry they were here, which was true, maybe for them as well. Or she could tell them she was glad they were alive, but she couldn't forget the first few days, when everyone who wasn't her father earned her resentment.
It had become an event. It must be so crowded up in atmo, Leia thought, what with Mon Mothma's Alliance craft, various news outlet ships, the CTC. Maybe even the Falcon. Personnel had been shuttled down to Buteral and gathered around the perimeter of the the landing pad, which remained empty, reserved for the red passenger craft that held thirty-three Alderaani.
It was Rieekan's base, but he deferred to Mon Mothma to set a tone for the program. They had planned it in his office, and in the middle of conversation he had put a hand to his earpiece and turned his head to the side. Mon Mothma stopped talking.
"Excuse me," the General said. And he looked at Leia like there was a secret between them. "I have to go see about a freighter."
He had heard something of Luke. He must have heard of... probably the ship, Leia figured. When she heard people recount the Battle of Yavin, they named the Millennium Falcon, not the one who piloted her. Easier to say 'freighter' than 'self-styled mercenary smuggler of indistinct motivations'.
So she wouldn't have the candles until after. Better to not have them part of this anyway and turn it even more into a spectacle. She would wait, hold a proper ceremony.
She hadn't slept at all. Sleep was often a problem, broken up into a dream where she was brought to the bridge of the Death Star, and her practice was to get out of bed and do something. She walked a little, then read, or wrote; anythinng to push Vader's breathing to the bottom of the pile, and then tried to get back to sleep.
Last night it had been a disciplinary exercise. Leia refused to let herself get up, though the soles of her feet were burning. It wasn't the Death Star that kept her up this night but the Alderaani coming. Leia grit her teeth. Sleep! she ordered herself, and tossed and turned. She didn't sleep but it felt like she dreamed, or it was just her mind telling her things.
Why didn't she know what to do for these people? They were hers! They were the same. Weren't they?
Maybe there was nothing to do. Buteral solved their basic needs. Something to eat and a place to rest to keep them alive.
Were they dead inside? Was Leia?
No, she answered herself. She wasn't. She remembered the warmth she felt, talking with Luke, being on the Falcon with Han and Chewie. But I don't need.
She had demonstrated she could go without. In her cell on the Death Star, no maidens, no proper place to relieve herself or rest, and on the bridge, where she watched everything provided to her crumble to nothing.
Trust was need.
Shame hit like a wave. May the gods damn Tarkin.
Leia halted midstride, weary and furious. Luke didn't know he had helped but he had, only it wasn't enough. Tarkin just wanted to use it. It was how Tarkin used Leia that she couldn't let go.
All Alderaani had lost their planet. Only Leia had been too trusting.
Leia knew she had to interact with the refugees in some way. Maybe run away, she joked lamely to herself. But Mon had said she would speak, as well as the head of the CTC, and that Leia should also.
"We are just the background," Mon had told Leia of her own and the CTC's presence. "You, as Princess of Alderaan, are the substance."
Leia walked, not seeing the shoal at all. Instead she saw Alderaan from the bridge of the Death Star, and she saw her mother. She tried; if Alderaan weighed so heavy on her it was because it was her life, and she told herself, remember the gardens, the shrub you made a fort in? and the maidens couldn't fit inside with you? but she couldn't stay there. She wasn't plucked, or whisked or arrested when she found herself back on the bridge, Vader pinning her to him. She just appeared. Little Leilei, giggling her way through gaps in branches, dead leaves and twigs snapping under her knees as she crawled, to Princess Leia, about to watch her planet disintegrate, unable to move.
She was born for this moment, wasn't she. Her mother's whole life saw Alderaan mostly crisis-free. There was the Clone Wars of course, but the Queen and planet shared responsibility with the rest of the Old Republic. Alderaan, in the centuries since the Recent Experiment, was stable. All of her. Economy, government, society. Low crime rate, excellent government assistance programs, a thriving trade practice with dozens of other systems.
Her mother was a fortunate Queen. She only allowed her husband to court a war, but Bail Organa was very careful. Palpatine had no proof, only suspicions. What kind of Princess was Leia... she didn't want to think it. Tragic, broken... Stop!
Luke was right about Tarkin. And Rieekan was correct too, that her father would beg forgiveness. Where it concerned the refugees, it wasn't about her on the Death Star. It was about them, and a Princess with a crown who only lacked a throne.
So why was it so hard to be their Princess? Dejectedly, Leia sat on the rocky ground. What had happened to her? Something had snapped in her; she wasn't who she used to be. She still felt she could be strong and confident, and was pleased when she saw herself that way, but there was a vagueness about it. A spark, quickly flaring, just as quickly cooling. The fired didn't catch; she went back to functioning. But that wasn't enough for the refugee Alderaani. They needed a Princess.
She hoped. Because if they didn't-
You're far too trusting.
Leia put her head in her hands and clawed at the hair over her forehead. She was just so tired.
Dr. Renzatl was at breakfast. She ate late for some reason. Her hair was pulled back, in a simple style Leia approved of. Military, perhaps, definitely practical. It was unaffected, much like the doctor herself. Leia touched her own hair, still arranged in two buns.
Leia stood at her table. "Good morning," she said.
Dr. Renzatl looked up. "Good morning, Your Highness."
"May I join you?"
"Certainly." Dr. Renzatl moved a data board aside.
Leia nodded. "I'll get some kaf." She returned after a moment, and sat stirring it, though she hadn't added anything to it. "You said," she began, and stopped. "I... You said I could come any time."
Dr. Renzatl's eyes flicked away from Leia's face as she sifted through past conversations. "Oh, yes," she said. "When you made your realization."
"Yes." Leia needed a moment to understand the doctor was a busy woman. "I saw my friend, Luke. He's flying patrol overhead, and General Rieekan let him come dirtside. And... we talked some."
"I'm so glad." Dr. Renzatl smiled. "I would bet he missed you."
"He did." Leia's lips curved in a smile. Even though Luke had only seen the doctor once, she seemed to have a grip on his naive and enthusiastic nature. "He sends his regards. We talked a lot about the Death Star. I feel better that I'm not alone in having it so on my mind." She paused. "It's a bit different for him. Or may be it's not." Luke was floundering too.
"It's safe to say his sense of identity has certainly been challenged."
"Yes," Leia agreed. She stared into her coffee.
Dr. Renzatl put her fork down and waited. "We've talked about it at some length," she prompted gently. "A challenge of the spirit for you?"
"Yes," Leia said. "Spirit, identity." She took in a breath and held it, then blurted, "It's Tarkin. Not really my realization, or breakthrough, but that's the moment I identified."
"Tarkin," Dr. Renzatl repeated thoughtfully. "Do you mind if I make notes?"
"No. Have I told you about him? He was the Grand Moff on the Death Star. In charge of everything." Leia waved a hand. "Vader, everything."
"What was the moment exactly?"
"When Alderaan was fired upon." Leia felt like she was talking too fast, but her own Tide's Rush was upon her. If she said it fast it would come out. "He told me that my presence gave him the idea for the Death Star's first target. He told me I was too trusting."
Leia stopped. Dr. Renzatl might need time for her stylus to catch up with Leia's words.
"Go on," the doctor encouraged. She made no comment on how Leia was trembling: her jaw, her torso, and the more she tried to contain it the more it spread.
"I told Luke about it. He said- he arranged it better for me, in my mind. He said it was the continuation of the torture."
Dr. Renzatl chewed her breakfast thoughtfully. "Quite likely he is correct."
"And he said that Tarkin only wanted to use the Death Star. But that he was wrong: the purpose was to eliminate the Rebellion, not blow up an innocent planet. He made it seem that Tarkin was an over-eager monster with his own agenda."
"Alderaan is completely Tarkin's responsibility," Dr. Renzatl confirmed.
Leia nodded. "I understand that. Sometimes. I do. Rationally. There was no reason." Leia's eyes drifted to a corner of a floor tile. "It's what he said."
Dr. Renzatl brought her kaf closer. Her lips were pursed a little. "Often, in a shock, the mind focuses on one thing. Sometimes the whole event is blurred in a memory, except for that one thing, and it takes on major importance."
"A symbol."
"Yes."
"I remember it all," Leia said.
"But you focus on Tarkin. On what he said."
"Yes."
"Tell me about him." Dr. Renzatl had the stylus aimed at her data board. "What is he to you?"
Leia answered swiftly. "The enemy."
"There's more."
Leia shrugged. "I don't really know much of him. He was a Grand Moff. Rode up to his station on the Emperor's coat tails. Very ambitious and ruthless."
Dr. Renzatl's eye was cynical. "The perfect Imperial, then."
"Yes."
"Give me your impressions of him."
"Well," Leia frowned. An impression was so different from what actually happened. She needed to think. "He was cold. Very gaunt. His face was..." Leia saw it clearly. "... was skeletal. He was mannered." The description made her nauseous. "Well groomed. Manicured fingers." She lifted up her own hands and gazed at them. "A man of privilege."
"He sounds like a man of comfort?"
"Yes."
"And..."
"And it makes me sick. His politeness. A sick game. That he could tell me-"
"Why?"
"Because..." Leia's hands couldn't be still. She scratched a cheek, fiddled with her hair. Finally, aware of their flightiness, she made them grip her cup.
Dr. Renzatl put her own elbows on the table, and joined her hands. "You told me you are proud of yourself at this moment."
"Of course I couldn't know what was coming. So yes, I remained strong."
"Describe yourself to me as you did him during this."
Leia shook her head. Her memory was stark, more than an impression, but words wouldn't build.
"This is it, Your Highness," Dr. Renzatl encouraged softly.
Leia clasped her hands and squeezed them hard. "I came because I know I'm stuck on it. A hurdle I can't get over."
"And that is excellent. But you're the only one to make the jump." Dr. Renzatl touched Leia's sleeve quickly. "You have always been so brave, Your Highness. It's such an admirable quality. Sometimes I think you're the only one to win this war."
Leia looked up, surprised by the personal revelation. But it helped to fortify her. "I am proud. Of my strength. I was the Princess," Leia listed. Her eyes went distant; details like the plate and data board on the table disappeared. "I was biting but... composed. Cold, too, I suppose. Regal. I was the Princess," she repeated. "I wasn't... too unlike him." She felt like throwing up. "He was the Grand Moff and I was the Princess. He used others to get where he was. I... was picked. Adopted. Raised to be Queen."
"Are you still proud of yourself?"
Unaware her head was moving slowly side to side, Leia was staring intensely at nothing. "I became the enemy," she said softly. "Because he brought me in to it. He chose Alderaan."
"And gave the credit to you."
Leia's hand went to her mouth. It was shaking. "I killed Alderaan."
"He wanted you to think you killed Alderaan."
"But I did, I was there, and he set course only because I was there, he said-"
"Do not confuse which is the villain here, Your Highness." Dr. Renzatl's voice was sharp. "You did not set course. You did not give the order to fire."
"Yes, but-"
"Trust is not a weakness. Of course you had to do something. You were trying to protect your planet. Trust is a generosity of character. I would bet you didn't trust him."
Leia's brows knit. "I'm not... I don't remember thinking... anything. I saw Alderaan when I was brought in, out the viewport."
"He made his decision long ago," Dr. Renzatl said. "I'm sure if it had been your friend Luke there in your place Tatooine would be the planet destroyed. Or Corellia, if it were Captain Solo."
Leia breathed, her eyes narrowed in concentration.
"Do you understand what I am saying?" Dr. Renzatl asked.
Leia nodded. "You're saying..." but she couldn't acknowledge it.
Dr. Renzatl nudged some more. "Please realize it for me. I need to hear it from you."
"Luke said it was torture." Leia lifted her eyes from her kaf. "Which is-"
Dr. Renzatl sighed. "Clearly torture. It's in the Alliance manual, Your Highness. Torture is to inflict and cause intense pain, by one on another, for the purpose of gaining information or compelling a being to do something. It is both physical and psychological, and can have long term effects. I encourage you to read that section."
"When I got to the bridge Alderaan was there. And Tarkin said name the Rebel location or I'll destroy Alderaan. I named Dantooine. He told Vader I had been persuaded," Leia's mouth was bitter. "Then he gave the order to fire. But it wasn't torture like the rest. There was no... I wasn't injured."
"A broken heart is a terrible pain," Dr. Renzatl said softly.
"It wouldn't have, if I... if I-" Leia swallowed. "If there was something different I could have done."
"When Luke says you were tortured, does he indicate he thinks you are to blame for Alderaan?"
"No, he doesn't," and Leia felt a rush of gratification toward him. "To him, it's not my fault at all."
"Yes," Dr. Renzatl said emphatically. "Now envision that strong Princess held back by Lord Vader, and tell her that."
Leia nodded curtly. The scene was clear. She was very small against Darth Vader's front, and Alderaan dominated the background out the viewport. Tarkin strode to an intercom and Leia looked out the viewport. "I'm sorry," she told Alderaan.
She rubbed her forehead. "By the goddesses," she breathed. "I see, I do, rationally. When you explain it, when Luke said those few words, I understand. I'm still not-" she smiled slightly. "The Princess Leia up there isn't completely convinced."
Dr. Renzatl looked tenderly at Leia. "You need to keep talking to that Princess, then. Because what you say is the truth. You need to convince her of that."
Leia was barely listening. She nodded. "That's why," she said softly.
"What is why?"
"The refugees." Leia's eyes went to Dr. Renzatl's. "That's why I came, really. I haven't been able to... to deal with them. The knowledge of who they are. I've tried. General Rieekan said there's no way they can know I was on the Death Star. Luke said Tarkin just wanted to use it. But it hasn't... it hasn't released me. From being the one."
"You think that because they are from Alderaan they'll know somehow? They'll blame you?"
Leia nodded. "They'll see it inside me. In my heart."
Dr. Renzatl smiled. "That isn't a rational statement."
"I know." Leia glanced into her kaf, remembering how she had challenged Luke with General Kenobi sitting on his lap in the X-wing. He had smiled at her. She couldn't yet; she was shaking at the release of her most buried self-suspicions, like birds taking flight, scattered into the sky.
"Rationally, what will they see?" Dr. Renzatl's head was cocked to the side.
Leia's shrugged one shoulder. "Their Princess. Respresentative of Alderaan."
"And a part of their culture, their tradition?"
"Yes. Even, if you think of the mythology, the planet itself. The goddesses created both."
"If it were me," Dr. Renzatl offered, "seeing you would probably bring me to tears. What a powerful image that evokes."
Leia listened to the doctor's outsider view of her people. It calmed her. "Alderaan was a special place."
"Is it a vengeful place? Would the goddesses call for blood?"
"No." Leia shook her head ruefully. "A gentle place. Peaceful."
"Do you realize, Your Highness, a month ago I don't think you would have been able to tell me what is in your heart. I appreciate that you did just now. But what is it about the refugees?"
"I'm... I don't know. I've dreamed of them. Instead of watching Alderaan I see them land."
Dr. Renzatl's brows lifted. "They become the horror?"
"I'm... scared of them?" Leia asked. She tried to hide behind the kaf but it had grown cold. She set the cup down.
"Scared of having failed them, or scared of them as your people?"
Leia sucked in a cheek and nodded at the doctor. "I see the difference."
"Good." Dr. Renzatl checked her chrono. "Did your friend Luke have anything to say about the refugees?"
Leia's eyes glittered. "Just in general, but I thought he was pretty smart. He said that some wouldn't like it here. Which also helped, because I've been afraid of their anger. He got me to see they aren't a mob, but individuals."
"You know, if I could write a prescription, I would have you be with your friend Luke regularly." Dr. Renzatl stood. "We probably should leave. We're due on the landing platform in thirty minutes."
Leia smiled. "I wouldn't mind your prescription. Captain Solo is coming, too. Not for me or the refugees," she hastened to correct before the doctor would misinterpret. "He's making a delivery. I hope to see him too."
"Oh, now, that should be interesting," Dr. Renzatl said with a laugh and got up to clean her tray. "You don't need my wishes for good luck, Your Highness. Only have a wonderful reunion with your people."
"Thank you, Doctor."