Chapter 36

BPOV

The date of my wedding approached in what felt like a whirlwind; wedding plans, my mother's chaotic presence, travel planning, College planning...

Soon, the big day was nearly upon me.

7 days left

I could still feel the weight of him suffocating me, hurting me, when I awoke.

The panicked feeling lingered even as I curled myself up in a ball, rocking myself slowly, trying not to cry.

I lay there, waiting for it to pass.

Go away. Go away.

It was dark outside. The middle of the night.

Go away.

It was windy outside. The wind rattled my window.

Go away.

I picked up my cell phone. My thumb hovered over Edward's number on my speed dial. Didn't press it. I dropped the phone down on the bed beside me. Picked it up again. Went to the text icon beside Edward's number. Typed something, then erased it. Did this several times. Finally typed, What r u up to? Hit send. Waited. Waited some more. An eternity (two minutes) later, he responded.

Out with Emmett.

Then,

Everything okay?

I stared at it. Stared some more. One minute went by. Two. Three. My hand was shaking. The phone started vibrating continuously and the display lit up with Edward's name. I pressed the button to accept the call and held the phone to my ear.

"Bella?" The sound of his voice wrapped around me like a warm blanket, and I wanted to cry again.

"Hi," I whispered, so as not to wake Charlie.

A pause. Then, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

Silence. Then, softly, "I don't think so."

"I had a nightmare."

"Would you like me to come?"

"If it's not too much trouble." My voice sounded funny even to my own ears.

"I'm on my way."

He hung up.

I lay there. Drew my legs up to my chest.

Waited another eternity (seven minutes).

There was a rush of outside air. Then he was there.

I climbed leadenly from the bed. His eyes met mine and I knew he knew. One look at me was all it took.

A nightmare of my rape.

The first one in a while.

Exactly seven days before our wedding.

I moved with surprising speed, half falling, half charging into him, pulling myself up to my toes by grabbing his neck, pressing myself against him and smashing my lips to his.

But he knew what I was trying to do.

He didn't let me.

Gently, he pried my face away and unlocked my arms from his neck. "You have nothing to prove," he murmured. "Least of all to me."

My chest was heaving. Tears spilled out onto my cheeks. I backed up until the back of my legs hit the bed, and I stumbled.

Edward moved quicker than I could process in my state, and when he appeared in front of me again in an instant, reaching out to grab me, I flinched backward—and felt instantly devastated that I had. I sagged against the mattress, my heaves coming violently now. "I'm s—sorry," I sobbed. "W-why now? Why?" I whispered the question repeatedly like a broken mantra. "I don't want—I can't—"

Edward was gripping me firmly then, leaning over me, his lips at my ear. "Because you're only human," he answered. "Because we're getting closer than we ever have before." I looked at him with wide eyes. He kissed my temple. Smoothed back my hair. "You're doing fine. Just fine."

His reaction threw me. He was so calm. So certain. So...undeterred.

And just like that a portion of my panic began to subside.

My hand gripped his arm tightly as I worked to calm the heaving of my breaths.

He reached down with his other arm to lift me fully onto the mattress.

I gripped him harder. "Don't—leave me—alone."

His eyes flashed to mine, taking in that awful frightened feeling that had lingered ever since I'd woken, a remembered fear, but no less real.

"I—" I tried to explain.

"Shh," he hushed. "Come here." He lay down against the pillows and then drew me into his side, wrapping both arms around me.

Safe.

"Thanks," I sighed.

"Anytime."

I waited for my breaths to slow. Then I lifted my head to look at him. He was already looking at me.

His hand went to the back of my head and then he leaned forward to touch his lips to mine.

I pressed myself closer and his hand slid down my back.

There was a choked feeling filling my chest. How easily we'd slipped back to this. How good it felt. How good he felt.

"Sleep now," he said after he drew back—too soon. His thumb wiped at the dampness on my cheeks. "Sleep now, and you'll feel better in the morning. You'll see."

I already did.

5 days left

"So how does it feel, Bella?" Emmett asked me with a wink and a grin. "The big day's almost here!"

"Leave her alone, Emmett," Alice sighed. "She's nervous enough already. Just look at her."

"I'm not," I protested, cheeks flaming. A lie.

Emmett laughed.

4 days left

I was getting married. In four days. No big deal. None, at all (It was).

I was fine. Perfectly fine (I wasn't).

I was excited (I was terrified).

I wasn't nervous (I was).

But Edward was happy. That was good.

Except it wasn't.

I didn't want to disappoint him. Nothing could be worse than that.

My heart twisted and whirled and thumped. It wasn't the wedding itself. Not anymore.

It was sex. Making love. The wedding night. I wanted it—I wanted him. So much it ached.

But.

I was anxious. Nervous. Terrified.

Still.

It was ridiculous.

After all the progress we'd made.

After how easy it was to be with him when I wasn't being ridiculous.

My nerves were only increasing with each day. Each day that took us closer to our wedding. Our wedding night.

Edward noticed. I knew he did.

But he was so good and kind and sweet about it that it made me feel even worse for being so ridiculous.

He didn't pressure me. Stopped when I needed him to. Didn't seem to mind my obvious increasing nerves. Didn't seem worried.

How could he not be worried? He may have told me that he'd be fine playing board games of all things on our wedding night, but how could anyone be okay with that? Board games! On our wedding night! I was not okay with that. He couldn't possibly be okay with it. Not really. He was just being endlessly kind. Besides, I was not okay with it—did I mention that?

I wanted a real wedding night. I wanted it to be perfect.

Technically, it would be the night after the wedding night, since we'd be on a plane for our actual wedding night.

Yep, a plane.

That decision had been made about a week ago.

"What are your plans for after the wedding?" Esme asked us.

I hadn't missed the surreptitious exchange that followed—Edward's barely perceptible shake of his head when he caught her eye.

Crossing my arms, I demanded of Edward, "Are you going to tell me what that was, or do I have to guess?"

Edward's lips tugged upward, and he looked at Esme. "I know," he answered her thought.

I waited. Impatiently.

Edward supplied, "Esme is pointing out that my usual clandestine techniques don't work with you."—Esme was beaming at this—"And she finds it enlightening that you miss nothing where I'm concerned."

I immediately blushed, knowing full well why I missed nothing where Edward was concerned—it was embarrassing just how aware of him I was.

Edward chuckled at my reaction, and my face grew even warmer."Would you give us a minute please?" he asked Esme.

"Of course."

She left, still smiling.

Edward had told me about Isle Esme then. The beautiful island off the coast of Rio de Janeiro that Carlisle had gifted to Esme. Esme had offered it to us to stay for our honeymoon.

"That sounds lovely," I said, a little shakily.

Edward peered at me. "You'd like to go?"

My heart sped up marginally. "Of course."

He'd kept looking at me, assessing. Told me we had all our upcoming travel plans anyway. Told me it wasn't necessary. Unless I wanted to.

I wanted to.

I'd told him so.

Had known what he'd been trying to do.

Trying to take the pressure off me. Trying to make the honeymoon less of a big deal. Trying to make me feel less anxious.

I'd told him I wanted to.

We were going to stay at Isle Esme for our honeymoon.

And it was going to be perfect.

3 days left

It poured with rain the entire day.

Last minute wedding preparations were ongoing at the Cullen residence. Charlie was working. Renee was volunteering. Edward and I had Charlie's house to ourselves.

To ourselves.

We spent the day curled up together on the sofa.

Binge watching movies.

Yep, binge watching movies.

Edward had raided the Cullens' massive DVD collection.

There may have been both relief and disappointment at his little bit of thoughtfulness.

It was an enjoyable bit of calm. Simply being with Edward never failed to fill me up with all things precious, and watching movies with him was...quite fascinating in itself. He had an endless supply of obscure facts and could point out historical inaccuracies in almost anything. And then there was the ease to which he interjected here and there; pieces of the more carefree Edward that I wanted to bottle up and keep forever.

It was a good day. A good day to just...be. Together.

We escaped, for the day, to our own little world.

I almost forgot to be anxious. Almost.

2 days left

It was getting harder to stay calm.

I sat in Edward's room, cross-legged on the bed. My knee bounced up and down. I shifted and tucked my legs under me instead. Twirled my engagement ring around on my finger, a nervous habit I'd gotten into. Glanced up at Edward, then down again quickly.

Edward, for his part, still appeared to be entirely calm.

It was really not fair.

He was still looking at me; I could feel his eyes carefully assessing me in that uncanny way of his.

Music began playing from his expensive sound system; he'd turned on something soft but lively. The opening movement of a piano concerto. What was this one called again?

I felt him approach me. When I looked up he was holding out his hand, a small smile playing on his lips, and it really was astounding how easily he could alter my moods with very little effort at all.

My hand was in his. And then we were dancing.

I forget to be anxious.

1 day left

"Where are you going?" I demanded.

"Lookout duty," Edward admitted.

Emmett was grinning. "Whoa, bro, you're actually telling her that?"

I ignored him. Didn't take my eyes off Edward. "Which is what exactly?" I asked.

"Just a precaution," he answered. "We'll take a quick sweep of the area, make sure we don't have any unwanted guests passing through."

Even without Emmett's commentary I had already recognized from the way Edward had looked at me that he was telling me something that, not so long ago, he wouldn't have, but I was too wound up to stop to appreciate it. "Why do you have to go?" I demanded of Edward.

Emmett answered easily, "Eddie here usually takes on lookout chores, because, well, you know."—he tapped his forehead to illustrate the point. Edward's mind reading. Right. Emmett shrugged, then grinned. "And I like to go in case we get some action. It's—"

"All right, Emmett," Edward cut him off sharply, "I think she gets it."

Yes, I was starting to. This was something they did regularly, then. That Edward did. Always on the lookout. His mind reading. It fit with everything he had told me. I didn't want to think about it right now.

"Let's go, then," Emmett said. He glanced at me. "Don't worry, Bella. I'll bring him back in one piece."

Edward stepped over to me and brushed his lips over my forehead. "I'll be back soon."

I stared after them. Stared some more.

Alice bounced cheerfully into the room after they'd left. Then she took one look at me and sighed. "Don't look so worried, Bella."

"Why did they have to go today?" I wanted to know. The day before our wedding. I turned the force of my look onto her. "Do we have reason to believe we'll be getting any unwanted guests any time soon?" Like tomorrow.

"Of course not," she answered immediately.

"Then why are they—"

"Haven't you noticed, Bella, that Edward is absurdly overcautious?"

I grimaced. "So it was his idea?"

"Who else?" she answered.

"Can I ask you something, Alice?"

She sighed. "It pays to be cautious, Bella, that's all."

"Was that an answer to my question that I didn't ask yet or just a general statement?"

She grinned. "Both."

I asked anyway. "Don't your visions allow you to get advanced warning for any encounters with other vampires?"

"Often, yes. But I'm not infallible, Bella. And you know my visions are based on decisions. Impulsiveness is much harder for me to see, and vampires can be very impulsive at times. I can't always see them coming."

I absorbed that quietly. I guess I'd kind of already known that. I blew out a breath. "And you won't be able to see if something bad is going to happen tomorrow because Seth is going to be there blocking your sight?"

"Oh, for crying out loud, you're as bad as Edward. Nothing bad is going to happen tomorrow, Bella, just relax, would you?"

"You didn't answer my question," I pointed out weakly.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Seth is blocking my sight. And it is rather annoying because I can't be sure it won't rain tomorrow. But at least we can be pretty certain it's not going to be sunny."

She was worried about the weather of all things. We hadn't had a sunny day in Forks in weeks, and there was no rain in the forecast for tomorrow.

She took in my look and flitted to my side. She put her arm around me. "Don't be such a worrywart. It's going to be perfect, I can feel it."

The evening before

I sat on the floor tugging at the zipper of the suitcase while simultaneously shoving at the clothing inside. I was still wrestling with the stupid zipper when—

"Need a hand?" Edward asked.

I jumped.

"Sorry," he muttered. He stood in the doorway of my bedroom, watching me wrestle with the zip.

"Nope, I'm good," I answered, giving the zipper a final, hurried tug, while picturing Edward finding the articles of lingerie I had just packed near the top. I swallowed and suppressed a sigh of relief when the zipper finally reached the end. I moved on to the smaller bag. Tried to focus on the running checklist of items in my head. Toothbrush. Check. Toothpaste. Check. Floss. Check. Hairbrush. Check. Sanitary napkins (even though I had just finished my period a week ago—thank god—but you never know, right?). Check. Razor. Check. Moisturizer. Check. Shampoo. Check. Hairdryer. Check...

My arms were feeling a little numb. I continued busying myself with rummaging through my bag. Had I forgotten something important?

Edward was still watching me.

I was fidgeting.

He moved into the room. Still watching.

I took out a few items from the bag. Put them back in. "Almost done," I chirped brightly.

Edward wasn't fooled.

"You're not going to run away on me, are you?" he asked, tone teasing, but I still felt my chest seize—scratch that; it was already seizing.

"Not a chance," I said, but, damn it, my voice cracked slightly.

Edward crossed the room slowly. He stopped in front of me. Then he reached down, took me by the elbow and guided me to my feet.

I stared at his chest. It wasn't just the wedding night anymore. It was everything. Everything that could go wrong. We didn't exactly have the best track record. The odds were always against us.

Slowly, I drew my eyes up to his face. Searched it. Outwardly, Edward was much better at keeping calm, but his abrupt need to search the area today suggested he wasn't as put-together as he appeared. He felt it too.

He took a step closer and my breath caught, my heart tripping. Okay, so the wedding night was still at the top of my anxiety list.

Edward took my hand and his thumb pressed lightly into the back of it, moving up to my wrist and back down to my knuckles. No one else could manage to inflict such a confusing contradiction of calm and hyper-activity on my nerves. No one but him.

He held my eyes, and there was so much there now that it overwhelmed me.

He framed my face in his hands. "I love you, Isabella Marie," he said with such conviction that it filled me up from the inside with everything beautiful and perfect and bright.

My hands came up and gripped his arms as he held my face. "I love you, Edward Anthony," I returned, voice breaking again.

His hand caught mine again and he kissed the ring on my finger. "Then we've already overcome the hardest part."

I closed my fingers over his. Shook my head. Swallowed. Shook my head again. "No, Edward," I disagreed, "nothing has ever been easier than loving you."

I knew I'd never forget how he looked in that moment; the brightness of his eyes, the tremor in his body, the way his fingers wrapped around mine, gripping hard, desperate almost. The way my heart shuttered and stopped before restarting as I took in his face. The way his hand came up to cradle my cheek.

I turned my face into his palm. "You see," I whispered, "that right there. The way you touch me..."

His eyes went even brighter.

I wrapped my arms around his neck.

His arms came around me too.

We held on to each other.

Lion and Lamb.

The odds were always against us.

But we beat them anyway.