September 1865
« I thought i'd never see you again. »
I entered the room like i did it so many times before. Yuki hadn't change in nearly two months. Her voice was a simple assertion, just like always. No repproach, no jealousy, not even a hint of regret. Did she miss me ? I had no idea and i didn't know if i wanted to have the answer to that question anyway. I sat in senzai in front of her and she did the same.
« I've been busy. » i told her in my toneless voice but she saw clear in my game, it was nothing but an excuse. She smiled at me gently but said nothing and i got the hairpin out of my sleeve. « A little something from Gion's festival, as requested. »
« A fox... » she laughed before grabbing it and putting it in her hair next to all the other hairpin. Hers were made with silver, gold, bronze... The wooden one was contrasting a lot. « Why did you choose it ? »
« Because it made me think of you. » i said.
« Because it's a fox ? »
« Not only. »
« Then why ? »
« Does it matter ? »
« I missed these conversations... So much to share between the two of us, Saito-han, it's crazy... » she chuckled.
She was openly making fun of me and the truth was that i didn't even cared. I missed her joyfulness and the way she was always teasing me. Having a spirit that free locked in this golden cage had something criminal.
« You're used to metals. It's shiny, precious, refined. Everyone find it beautiful. Just like oirans. The carved wood is raw, strong, honest. It reflects your soul. »
The teasing smile on her face disappeared instantly and i could see my words sinking in her. She was overwhelmed. I've never seen her like this.
« This is probably the most beautiful thing i ever heard... » she muttered to herself, touching the hairpin in her bun and i did as if i hadn't listen. Seeing me staying silent, she leaned over and put her hands on each of my cheeks before merging her lips with mine. She parted, her malicious smile back and whispered « that probably deserves a reward... » in a voice full of promises.
I took her hands in mine and put them back on her thighs, releasing them.
« What's the matter ? » she asked me, puzzled.
« I can't do this. » i said calmly.
« Why not ? Is there a problem ? Do you... Oh. Oh ! » realization hit her and her smile came back. It was the same smile a child could have when getting a new toy, full of excitement and eagerness. « You dit it ! Is that right ?! You confessed your love for Yukimura ! » she clapped her hands frenetically « you have to tell me everything ! Oh, I'm so proud of you ! When did it happen ?! How ?! Is it because of my dare ?! Hey ! Don't keep silent ! I won't tolerate it this time ! »
« I took her to Gion matsuri. » i said to calm her down.
The flow of her words finally stopped and i felt relieved. She waited, silent, until she couldn't take it any longer.
« And then ? » she asked.
« Then what ? »
« What happened ?! And don't give me the short version ! »
« No. »
I could feel that i was on the verge of blushing red but i owed nothing to Yuki and i didn't have to tell her anything. It was between Chizuru and me.
« Alright... Your stubbornness knows no limits, Saito-han... » she sighed. « So that's why you don't want to be intimate with me then... That doesn't seem like a bad reason at all ! » she smiled again.
« Ha. »
« Does she make you happy ? »
There was no hint of sadness or regret in her eyes or smile. She wasn't feeling rejected by my behavior and i was relieved. I took a moment to think about the answer. Was I happy ? The moment i knew she loved me back was one of my most precious memories. But since this event ? What have we shared ? Was I satisfied with it ? I knew the answer was « no ». To be fair, it was « not yet ». But a huge step had been taken and i was confident that brighter days could come if only I could give it a try.
« She does. »
« Good. » she nodded « then i guess you don't need me anymore. »
I didn't know what to tell her. I didn't wanted to betray Chizuru by seeing an oiran even if i wasn't intimate with her. She could not have any chance of knowing if it was or wasn't the case. Therefore, the logical choice would be to stop seeing Yuki, even if i enjoyed her company. I decided not to answer, at least not now. She saw my hesitation and chuckled.
« You know, married men come here all the time. And most of the time, their wives know and just don't care. Anyone who comes here is welcomed, married or not... »
« I'm not anyone. And i'll be faithful to the woman i love. » i answered before standing up.
« I didn't mean to offend you, Saito-han. » she apologized.
« You didn't. » i simply said.
Opening the shoji, i turned to her one last time.
« Have a nice evening, Yuki. »
« I hope i'll see you again, Saito-han. If you decide to come back, i will not come between you and your woman. Please, do not turn your back on me. I'll respect your faithfulness if this is what you desire. »
I nodded, thankful before she added « as a matter of fact, i'll do anything you desire me to. »
I got out without another word. I wasn't sure how to interpret her last sentence. The way she said it was weird, as if she meant exactly the contrary of what she said just before. It would probably be a good idea to stay away from her for a while, and why not forever.
I thought about the kiss she gave me without even knowing it would be the last. I didn't feel anything as she was kissing me, no desire, nothing. The spell was broken now that i had what i was seeking for in her. My desire for Yuki was a decoy, i knew it from the start. Even if i learned to like her for what she was, i didn't love her. In a way, i was relieved to see that. It was making things so much easier.
I got back to the compound with a much lighter heart. I couldn't change the past and everything i did with Yuki before having Chizuru but at least now, i was at peace. It was behind me.