We moved down the hall as a unit, Jack in front barking orders at Roberts, Elodie in back directing Order security, and Gemma keeping pace next to my gigantic ball gown as she fired off last-minute arrangements. I'd spent every waking minute with the three of them since we'd safely landed back at Riberton from Russia. It had been a jarring two weeks. One minute I'd be helping Gemma put finishing touches on this ridiculous ball that had grown out of control. The next I was working with Elodie on press fall out from Russia or Jack on prisoner detainment and interrogation. That was, of course, when the Order wasn't hounding me about any kind of inclination I might have received from Stellan while I was in Russia. Which I hadn't unless you counted my arm - but I wasn't going to tell them that.
Our team meeting at the crack of dawn had confirmed that Zara Koning was finally cleared on any suspicion of treason. But she would be 'staying with us' for a few more months as the interrogations continued on Porsha and Noa. She was being used tonight as a shadow for Valentina, who had already been flagged as a person of interest. She hadn't been a part of the coup de grâce for the Melech's in Russia, but her attitude right before it had been suspicious enough to be put on the watch list for tonight.
You could hear the noise of the crowd filling our house even through the walls of the private wing. I pushed the nerves down again and reached up to adjust my diamond earrings as the group of us slid, single file, through one of the secret doors for the back passageway toward the front of Riberton.
"Daniels!" Jack yelled out at a suit jogging ahead of us. A redhead whipped around and Jack continued, "we do not have the manpower to detain people. Just turn them out. Make it the local PD's problem."
"Sorry, sir," he gave a curt nod and ducked through a door, pressing his finger to his ear. Jack growled something under his breath that I didn't catch.
"No," Elodie was next, her voice rising behind me. "She knows every single hiding spot on these grounds. Do not lose sight of her for a single second. Send Mila into the bathroom with her."
"Right away," one of the Order guards replied and brushed past us, lengthening his stride to almost a jog.
"She already tried to duck out of this," Elodie growled and started jabbing things into her phone. I was almost positive it was a warning to Anya. I wanted to laugh, but Gemma was tapping her clipboard next to me,
"Where do you want the extra tables set?"
I reached up to try and adjust a bobby pin in thought as we all paused before the double doors that led to the grand staircase.
"Just how many people are trying to crash this? We have a guest list and a team of security in front."
"Other than everyone?" Elodie drawled and slapped my hands away from my perfectly styled hair. I glared at her before taking a breath, thinking, and then shook my head,
"Fuck 'em. Don't set any. Every table setting has monogrammed napkins. Make them all drink standing up and get full off hors d'oeuvres. Easier to identify who let in leeches and punish them for it."
"Ma'am," she gave me a quick bow and threw open the double doors before us. The three of us caught a moment's glance of what was waiting as the doors swung shut - a sea of chattering people and the cloying smell of a Rose Parade's worth of flowers. The panic rose in me again and I forced a breath through my mouth, the smell still overwhelming, triggering memories of the hospital at the very back of my mind.
Jack and Elodie went to follow Gemma but I flung my hands out and grabbed their arms, squeezing hard. I looked up and down the now empty hallway and quietly said,
"One more time."
Elodie's free hand immediately came up to grab my own, squeezing back just as fiercely while Jack carefully, and lowly, repeated,
"Heathrow to Casablanca to Florianópolis. Then we'll meet you in São Paulo. After we confirm the Order has Anya."
I let out the breath I'd been holding loudly and released my hold on them to shake out my hands.
"It won't come to that." Elodie flatly added. I wanted to believe her...and yet he still wasn't here.
Looking up and down the hallway again I spun my diamond ring around my finger twice and gave myself a final moment to feel the nerves. We'd still be hidden from all the guests once we went through these doors - but not all the staff. This was the point of no return. I pushed them open before I could change my mind.
The grand entrance to Riberton had been transformed to look like a modernized baroque painting. Huge Waterford crystal chandeliers had been installed the distance of the hallway toward the ballroom and adjacent rooms for the Leap Year Ball. They threw a romantic glow onto the translucent glass-paneled walls filled with velvet colored roses running the length of the red carpet to guide all the guests toward the main event. Every few feet were champagne and some micro gastronomic invention to entice them. People were congregating around each of these stops, noshing and judging each other's couture. From my vantage point, you could even see the hundreds of lanterns in the front yard reflecting in the wax jobs on all the luxury sports cars purring past the roundabout to be parked onto the race track.
The plan had been for Stellan and me to walk this carpet together. We'd even hired some kind of town crier that announced people as they entered the ballroom. But we'd had to scrap both of those now. Instead, I was going to take the staff entrance to the ballroom and just sort of appear out of thin air and act like I'd always been there. Luc was going to help with that. Then pretend like I'd been separated from Stellan and would catch up with him later. And pray that everyone was too drunk to notice, hence the booze every few feet.
I caught myself in a mirror for a moment and was transfixed. Black. Everything but my perfectly red lips and matching nails was so dark. The gown had been custom-made for this event by a designer I couldn't even pronounce the name of. It was floor-length, with a full skirt and a four-foot train in contrasting layers of black tulle and Chantilly lace. The plunging v-neckline, illusion long sleeves, see-through bodice, and backless nature of the dress fit right in line with Elodie's constant need for me to appear to look naked in ballgowns. At my request, my hair had been swept completely up and off my shoulders into an updo that looked effortless but had taken hours for them to get in place. I looked dangerous and miserable and that seemed just about right until I heard thundering footsteps and,
"Avery!"
We all turned to see Anya racing toward us, her billowing silk purple dress floating behind her. She threw herself against me, almost getting lost in the layers of the skirt of my ball gown, the black swallowing her. I instantly wanted to pull her away, didn't want any of my darkness, even my dress, to touch her. I stilled the urge and instead bent down toward the ground so I could give her a genuine hug.
"I've missed you!" She brightly exclaimed and a knot formed in my throat. It felt so wrong to keep lying to her. The panic rose in me again - what if this was the last time I'd ever see her again?
"Me too," I exhaled, squeezing her tighter and longer than necessary before I let her go. I smoothed all the layers of my dress back down as I stood and she reached for my free hand dragging me down the hallway, Jack and Elodie falling into step behind us. I took a deep breath to fight off the tears.
"So much has happened! I have so much to tell you. Once you do your dance thing you need to sit next to me so we can talk to each other." She squeezed my hand.
"Of course! I can't wait to hear everything." I replied and then bit my tongue. She let go and skipped off down the hall toward the growing noise, Elodie closely behind, snapping things at her that Anya rolled her eyes at. It made a little laugh break up all the terror in my throat. Jack's warm hand grabbed my tricep and squeezed,
"Alright then."
I nodded and we paused at the door Elodie and Anya had just gone through. Last chance. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my ball gown feeling my phone and the switchblade. I squeezed them both as hard as I could and whispered,
"Nothing?"
Jack rubbed at his compass tattoo over his tux and shook his head. His stormy, gray, eyes looking pointedly at my scar, hidden under all the lace of my ball gown, I shook my head. The fear percolated through my body like champagne bubbles. I closed my eyes, mentally planning my escape route - through the salon bathroom's hidden door, take the west wing secret hallway to the garage where Roberts will be waiting. It wouldn't come to that. It couldn't.
"Alright."
I opened my eyes and plastered on the Circle smile as I straightened my shoulders. Jack held the door open with one hand, his other on his earpiece announcing our movement as I crossed the threshold into the hallway. We were at the corner everyone took to enter into the ballroom, bypassing the salon that had been staged as the coatroom and the gallery filled with Circle suck-ups wanting a first-hand look at all the treasures Alistar Saxon had been hiding for decades. From my vantage point, I couldn't make out any familiar faces and moved into the ballroom, Jack a half step behind me.
Gemma's checklist of doom had really paid off. I'd taken a peek, of course, this morning, but it was a pale comparison to the scene before me now. Large swaths of midnight blue silk draped from the ceiling, mixing with thousands of tiny string lights. If you weren't paying attention you might even think we were outside and they were stars. They all swept dramatically upward toward the chandeliers, evenly spaced above the highly waxed hardwood floors. The chamber ensemble from the London Symphony Orchestra was in full swing, the music weaving through the conversation at a comfortable level. Tables had been staged to form a large square in front of them, currently empty. My stomach knotted. Historically speaking, no one was supposed to dance before Stellan and me.
I turned away from it, instead noting the dozen or so bartenders frantically moving behind the translucent wall of glass holding the stockpile of booze we'd acquired for this. Above them was a light installation running the length of the bar with actual lilacs, gardena and evergreen branches hiding the hardware and filling the room with their fragrance. It mixed with all the perfume and aftershave as bright shrieks of laughter punctuated the constant mummer of the crowd. Waiters and waitresses were already clearing away the five-course dinner we'd provided a little ahead of schedule - another stall tactic for Stellan's absence. Guests were now lounging about on the custom violet velvet couches along the walls or sitting at their empty tables.
It was hard to tell just how many people were actually here. The ballroom was vast and the tables stretched back as far as I could see to the second bar in the back. Each table only sat six, purposefully, to create an air of intimacy when you had a guest list that was pushing 500. The table cloths, chairs and even the plates were all in black. It made the centerpieces even more alluring - dusty pink peonies with bright white hydrangeas mixed with pale yellow orchids and dramatic lotus flowers. I was taking a closer look at the blood-red monogramming on the napkins when someone squeezed my elbow. The breath caught in my throat and I froze, terrified.
"Ma reine," Luc brightly exclaimed, causing quite a few heads to snap in my direction. He gave me a second squeeze as he loudly continued, "I have been looking all over for you!"
He swung around to face me, the intense look in his purple eyes mirroring my own. I tried to tell him thank you telepathically while I exhaled,
"Hopefully not too long."
"I've been entertained," he laughed, snatching a glass of champagne and offering it to me. I shook my head. There would be no drinking tonight. He took three large gulps, his hand shaking a little with the motion and my nerves ballooned in my chest again. No. No. He couldn't be nervous. If he was nervous…
"Your Majesty," someone said behind him. I couldn't even catch who it was because people started bowing around me, even Luc. He leveled me a raised eyebrow and ducked off, his task complete. I folded my hands in front of myself so I wasn't tempted to grab him. I wanted Luc to stay as close to me as Jack was. But people associated Stellan with him, so he had to be a ghost for this until Stellan showed up. Because Stellan had to show up.
Jack covertly nudged me and I plastered the smile back on and tried to concentrate on the barrage of questions pelting me at once. Who was I wearing? How did we get so many peonies this time of year? Had we hired every event planner in the country for this? I smiled and laughed and answered each one with the ease and grace of a Stepford wife. It was the best I could manage. Most of these people weren't even Circle heads or heirs, just underlings vying for their one shot to get close to me.
I didn't even have to work the room. They came to me. Wave after wave of them, asking the same vapid questions in their enthralled, drunken, tones. The group grew, stacked behind each other as people tried to impress me with increasingly irrelevant stories. It made me weary, my feet already aching from standing still for so long. The buzz of my phone in my pocket was a welcomed distraction, but I didn't dare pull it out. If it was about anything other than Stellan finally showing up I wouldn't be able to hide my reaction, and then we'd be screwed.
My usual nightmares had been tame compared to the ones I'd woken up gasping from since Russia. I'd wake up covered in sweat, dread tightening my throat in my twisted sheets trying to wipe away the absolute terror of this night. Of the simple mistakes that could murder us all. Nightmares about how I'd fall apart in front of all the Circle heads. Or that I'd freeze up and create suspicion. Or worse - if Stellan did show up and I felt nothing at all. That he'd look at me like I was a stranger. That we'd murdered anything left between us and everyone would see. But the worst of all - the one that continued to haunt me even as I stood in front of all these people - that he'd be so good at pretending that I'd believe him and once everyone had left so would he, and destroy me all over again. Because despite knowing I shouldn't, despite burying the need deep inside myself - I couldn't deny that what I really wanted, in the end, was him.
Some Wang cousin offered me a flute of champagne, despite having just declined one not even five minutes before and I shook my head,
"No, thank you."
"Surely you can have one drink!" Rebecca Fredrick slurred over all the polite conversation. "It is the biggest party of the year! Unless there is a little growing surprise you're not telling us about."
She gave me a sloppy wink, from her belligerent glassy eyes and I startled backward a little. The conversation screeched to a halt, everyone staring at Rebecca until she became red. Vultures. I'm sure the lot of them were happy she was the one that had been drunk enough to say it. I held the silence even longer, watching her squirm and feeding off the energy of her embarrassment. I sucked it into the pulsing, aching hole in my chest hoping it would band-aid it when the focus shifted to behind me.
Familiar, long, warm, fingers slide down the length of my spine and my heart actually stopped in my chest.
"Rebecca," he drawled. "Nice to see you still have a tendency to embarrass yourself."
The crowd let out a nervous laugh. She started to apologize, the words lost to me as his hot palm settled on the small of my back. I pressed into it, trying to act naturally, he pressed back and a wave of goosebumps flushed across my skin. He shifted slightly and the familiar smell his aftershave choked me. My body started to shut down in panic. The room blurred, the conversation buzzed out to white noise. I tried to fight against it, shifting in his touch again only to feel his thumb rub little circles of reassurance like he used to do. The panic ratcheted up into high gear. I had to get out of here.
Everyone laughed, it startled me back into my body, I blankly smiled. His fingers curled around my hip guiding me away from the group, and I let him, still gathering my senses. I hadn't even heard him say we were leaving and bit the inside of my lip trying to snap out of it. I couldn't even trust myself to look over at him. I'd been expecting overwhelming relief to wash out the absolute nutcase I'd become leading up to this - but it all just held fast inside me, tight, painful, and brittle.
He weaved us around the party, both of us nodding and giving single word responses as we made it closer and closer to the dance floor in front of the orchestra. It felt alarmingly familiar, like deja vu - the people, the gowns, the vapid conversation. Even my uncomfortable shoes. But I couldn't remember ever feeling like I needed to simultaneously scream and cry at the prospect of dancing. With a nod toward the conductor, the song slowly came to an end and there was a moment of silence, drawing everyone's attention toward the front. As it spread toward the back and everyone realized what was going on I took a deep breath.
Now we could get through the crucial part of the night. He was here. We would dance in front of the whole Circle, and then make all the drinks doubles in hopes of pouring everyone out of Riberton sooner rather than later. Everything else could be sorted after that if I didn't somehow manage to mess up the next four minutes. The conductor started monologuing about the piece of music we'd commissioned them to write months ago. It was some kind of waltz, and despite reminding me of Swan Lake I still had problems memorizing the turns. I mentally went through the steps when Stellan leaned down toward me to whisper in my ear,
"Just keep your arms tight and let me lead."
"Okay," I breathed back forcing myself not to pull away from him. I could feel every set of eyes in this ballroom burning into my exposed back. I'd have to do something more than just stand obediently next to him. I smiled up at him like he'd just whispered something endearing, my eyes focused on his chin. Because if I looked in his eyes, if I actually took in his face, it would destroy me. His fingers contracted against my hip for a flash of a moment and then the ballroom filled with applause as he escorted me out onto the center of the floor.
The spotlights were blindingly bright, making the majority of the crowd darken around us, which was not helping my nerves. He gently grabbed onto the fingers of my left hand, raising them up for a little kiss before he dropped them and bowed to me. We'd practiced this part, a little tease for the crowd that Elodie had designed. In return I gave him my best, deep, curtsey, making sure the black gossamer of my ball gown spread wide around me. We were supposed to smile at each other after it - but I couldn't. Instead, I looked directly at the third button on his tux shirt as his hands gracefully extended out to put me into position.
I sucked in a breath of surprise. They were covered in new scars that snaked up toward his wrists and his father's watch. Tears flooded my eyes, prickly and hot. But there wasn't time for that. The music started and he gave me one firm tug closer to himself, trying to remind me to let him lead. I wasn't sure if I could. We fumbled through the first couple of steps, not used to the size of my gown, or even being this close to each other. I tried to start mentally counting to myself.
One, two, three. Why was he wearing it? One, two, three. To spite me? To throw me off my game? One, two, three. To mock me? One, two, three.
Stellan gave me a little jerk back into the right placement as we started one of the complicated turns in our choreographed dance.
He was going to use it against me. One, two, three. Why else would he only show up at the last minute? One, two, three. And the scars...two, three. What were they from? One, two, three. What did it all mean? One, two, three.
He corrected me again, pulling me closer to himself as we swirled across the floor. My feet tripping over themselves on one of the turns. It made him hold me firmer, his palm sliding to mid-back so he could steady me. We made one final, tight, turn. My dress dramatically swept around both of us and I looked up at his chin again as we stopped. Applause thundered through the ballroom. I held my breath so you couldn't tell how winded I was. My slowly recovering heart wasn't supposed to take this much stress. But I'd have it explode in my chest before I'd put everyone in danger again. I could suffer through some tachycardia for a night.
I was desperate for gulps of air. Trying to force them through my nose was making my dizziness double. I grabbed onto his arm and his hand came up to support me. If it was because he thought I was acting, or he'd noticed I was inching toward fainting I couldn't be sure. But I couldn't trust myself until I could get some breaths in and away from all these squinting eyes trying to find the cracks in our armor. We nodded toward the congratulations as we passed, making our way over to Jack and Elodie, who had strategically positioned themselves in front of an escape route for me.
The dance floor filled with couples, now eager to show off in front of all their peers. Their liquid courage and god knew what else, fueling their bravado. As we made our final approach I watched Elodie and Jack both glare at different people so dismissively that I wanted to laugh. But I couldn't risk the breath.
We held for a beat, staring at each other, the four of us finally together again. Looking exactly the same, but strangers from the fallout. With far too much to say and no way to say it.
"That bad huh?" Stellan flatly deadpanned, breaking the silence.
"Don't you fucking dare," Elodie hissed through her teeth at him, her eyes shining like she might cry.
"El," Jack lowly warned her, but he wasn't looking all that charitable either.
From the corner of my eye, I caught Valentina slithering through the crowd toward us and I leaned into Stellan laying my head on his shoulder. I commanded through my plastered smile,
"Can we reign it back in, please?"
Jack glanced behind himself and we exchanged a look as Valentina drew closer. But his eyes narrowed and it was only then that I realized Stellan's fingers had crept possessively around my waist, his thumb running quick circles on my lower back. I shifted in his hold and he startled a bit as he noticed it too, surprised by his hands being on autopilot. But before I could move away I felt him shift, fingers squeezing me closer and then his lips dusted at my hairline. Zara Koning, as planned, intercepted the coming threat of Valentina, ushering her in the opposite direction. But I was reeling.
His kiss had stabbed right into the very heart of me. I smiled broader as everything started to build in my chest, like a supernova. I had to get out of here. His ability to create mock normalcy was going to be the thing that destroyed me. That had been a step too far.
"If you don't mind," I forced myself out of his hands. "I need to find Anya. We have a lot to catch up on."
"Oh, ah," he stuttered and shoved his fists into his pockets. "I'm sure you do."
I moved away from him as quickly as I could, tightly smiling as I made my way past some tables and through the side door I knew lead out to the back hallway. I could escape, I could escape for a moment, feign needing to use the bathroom as I tried to compose myself.
I stumbled into the hallway, leaned against the wall, struggling to suck in breath after breath - trying to stop myself from crying. I dug my nails into my palm until I was sure I was about to draw blood and felt the panic slowly dissipate. The pain distracting me from my meltdown. I shook out my left hand so I could press it to my thready heartbeat banging away against my flushed chest.
The door flew open next to me with a bang and I startled away from it, gasping even harder now as Elodie, Jack, and Stellan stumbled in with a furious looking Luc slamming the door shut behind them all. He was berating them in French, something about being stupid, careless children.
"Luc," I shouted over him, "qu'est-ce qui ne va pas?"
The boys all jerked in surprise in front of me, stunned into silence until Luc answered, "vous pouvez parler français?"
"Évidemment," I rolled my eyes at him and then glanced to my right to see Elodie's smug smile. "Make this quick, we can't all ditch the party at once."
"Someone," Elodie snarled, "had the audacity to think he could order us around."
Stellan crossed his arms, tightly, over his chest and this flash of panic rocketed through me. I even bared down, bracing for the impact the pain in my arm was going to cause me in his angered state. But there wasn't anything. Instead, Luc scowled as he leaned against the wall, eyeing Jack who squared off against Stellan.
"And he also didn't appreciate being reminded how little power deserters hold in the Circle."
"For fuck's sake," I grumbled under my breath. We were really gonna do this now? Were they 12? No, younger. Because even Anya would know this wasn't the time or the place to be having a drag-out fight about all this.
"Last time I checked," Stellan rose to his full height as he glared at Jack, "I'm still the decedent of Alexander the Great and half of the 13th Family. So maybe you need to watch your tone with me in a room full of Circle spies."
"I don't take orders from you anymore." Jack darkly countered, balling his fists at his side.
"Now who's the deserter?" Stellan gave him a dangerous looking smile and tacked on, "so you only listen to my wife now?"
"Don't you call her that!" Elodie yelled at him, taking a few furious steps toward him before I threw a hand out to stop her. This was taking a very weird turn. Luc and I glanced at each other for a fraction of a second but he looked just as angry.
"The wife that's had nothing but nightmares about what you did to her?" Jack demanded. "That might have to get a pacemaker now because of you?"
The hallway went silent and I froze, swallowing hard as their eyes all snapped to me.
"The wife that was still miscarrying your baby when you murdered her again?" Jack spat the last word out and Stellan went sheet white and dropped his arms, shaking out his fists as Luc let out an audible gasp next to him.
I owed Jack and Elodie more than I'd ever be able to repay - even with everything that had been given to me. But that was never going to be something I'd allow them to hold over Stellan. That was a burden we would always have to carry on our own.
"Stop," I ordered him. He locked aggravated eyes onto me but I shook my head and he clenched his jaw tight.
"You saw what I did to that room," Stellan said, his head bowed toward his shiny black dress shoes as he shook his fists again. "I tried. But I didn't know how to get back."
"You find a way back you fucking coward!" Elodie growled and lunged toward him.
Stellan threw his arms out, palms forward to try and stop her. She flinched away and in the very next second Jack's fist connected with Stellan's jaw and the two of them went stumbling into Luc and the wall. They were this jumble of blocked pushes and strong arms trying to separate everyone from each other. Elodie even jumped toward the fray.
I turned on my heels, my ball gown swinging around me and stomped away from all their childish antics. Maybe they needed this, but it wasn't going to fucking solve anything. If anything now we'd have to explain why everyone looked like they'd gotten into a bar fight to all the drunk Circle members desperate to get any kind of gossip on us.
I hit the second secret door that was at the back of the ballroom, near the second bar. Slipping into the shadows no one noticed me reappearing and I took the moment of secrecy to reset and plaster the Circle smile back on so I could start working the room again.
I took a few laps around the dance floor nodding politely but avoiding conversation before finding the dessert table in the back of the venue. I finally found Anya in the center of a group of kids. The ages varied, Anya being one of the youngest in the group, but she held everyone's rapt attention as she continued on whatever story she was weaving. Most likely the story of why she still had her sparkly purple cast on. I hung back a little, not wanting to interrupt her, but she spotted me and stopped mid-sentence,
"I'm sorry. I have to go," she told the group and broke from the crowd toward me. They broke into whispers as Anya and I moved back toward the desserts. She skipped toward the dessert spread and started making her selections as I found us an empty table.
"You could have stayed," I offered as we sat. She had grabbed an entire plate of macaroons and was turning the plate slowly to admire them all before crinkling her nose in mock disgust,
"They don't care, just wanted to be around me because of who I am."
"Oh really?" I let my disappointment leak out with my reply. She blushed a little and then shrugged and shoved a macaroon into her mouth. I waited until she swallowed before I continued, "I hope you haven't been ignoring all my advice."
"Of course not, Avery," she sighed dramatically. "I remember everything you say."
"I hope so." I crossed my arms over my chest and saw someone approach us. I glared at the man, I think he was a relative of the Fredrick's. He quickly turned to his left, leaving us alone. Anya grabbed another macaroon and smirked at me.
"Do as I say not as I do," she retorted and took a bite out of the purple and gold-foil confection.
"When you are the head of the 13th Family you can be mean to everyone too." I settled back against the chair and sighed. Anya stifled a yawn behind her hand and then nodded laughing to herself. I looked up at the clock - almost midnight. "Shouldn't you be in bed?"
"Special occasion - special bedtime." She smiled and then yawned again. "Besides I had to tell you my big news!"
"Please," I bowed my head toward her trying to hide the wave of panic that was making my lungs shake. I wrapped my arms tighter around my chest. I realized then it was the anxiety of the unknown. I had no idea if she'd heard any of these whispers in the weeks that he'd been gone. Or if she'd noticed all the extra security we'd put on her. Or worse, what if she wanted to ask me about it now, in front of all these people, when I felt like I was going to shatter?
"I have the lead in the play for our year!" She threw her hands out and I shot from my seat and pulled her into a tight hug.
"I'm so proud of you!" I kept squeezing her in spite of her squirmy struggles away from me.
"Let go!" She laughed. She squirmed some more until I released her and she sat back down. I sat as well and beamed at her. "It was close but the professor said I had better range. You and Stellan are going to come right?"
It thudded into my chest like an arrow, right where my heart should have been. I automatically smiled, my ingrained response now, and started nodding toward her. She knew nothing. No one had told her. And even though the thought of having to do anything with Stellan made me feel like I was going to combust all over again I swallowed and evenly said, "of course we'll be there."
"Great," she yawned again and then rubbed at her eyes. She looked around and at the thinning crowd, her audience included. "I think I'm going to go to bed now."
"That's probably a good idea." I reached across the table and pulled the plate of dessert away from her. She snatched a final macaroon then stood and closed the space between us to give me a long hug.
"See you tomorrow." She squeezed me and then wandered around the empty tables toward one of the back doors that led into the manor. I saw two of our security detail emerge from the shadows and follow her out, pressing fingers to their ears and speaking lowly.
I looked back out at the party. Surprised to find that it was mostly wait staff now bussing the tables. The orchestra was almost done packing up, but a tight knot of tuxes were on the opposite side of the ballroom from me. All of them invested in some kind of story being told. I shifted in my seat to try and get a better look at who it was when I felt a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and give me a squeeze,
"Sorry, I'm late!"
I closed my eyes and held the breath of relief I wanted to let out. If I let it out I might burst into tears, and there were still far too many people here to let that happen. Her perfume fell over me and I reached up and grabbed onto the arms of Colette and squeezed.
"You could never be late." I forced a laugh. She squeezed and then let out a laugh of her own releasing me and moving into Anya's vacant spot.
"There was a three-hour delay in Morocco - no one could tell me why. Sorry I wasn't here for all the festivities. Or really dressed for it." She looked down at her curve-hugging shift and shrugged. She looked better than most of these Circle wives had with their designer ball gowns and that made me laugh again.
"Stop apologizing." I smiled.
"Femme fatale," she smirked at me inclining her head toward my fingers. I tapped my left fingers across my arm and nodded.
"Needed the inspiration," I honestly replied.
"I leave for a few months and come back to you looking like a prima ballerina all dramatic looking, giant ball gown, pale and…" Colette's smile slid off her face as she really took me in for the first time. "Thin."
From the corner of my eye, I saw the group start to break apart, enough people leaving to see a gleam of blond hair at the center. I swallowed hard and then focused back on Colette.
"You look great. Africa is suiting you well."
"Why are you so thin Avery?" She continued, ignoring my compliment altogether. I looked toward the group again, more people breaking away, but a conversation still taking place at the center.
"Maybe it's just the dress. It's giving me lines I didn't even know I had." I pressed my hands into my sides to further illustrate. Colette stood, moved her chair closer, sat back down and then quietly asked this time.
"What happened? Why didn't you call me?"
"I tried," I whispered back, folding my hands into the layers of my dress. "You were out of range. Your publicist said you'd be unreachable until you broke for this party."
She bit her lip and let out an exasperated noise in her throat, "I knew I should have demanded that satellite phone."
"I didn't want to bother you with all this. I couldn't pull you back in when you'd asked to make a clean break. I wanted to respect your needs, Colette." I dug my nails into my palms again feeling the tears well inside me. I couldn't look at her, I couldn't look at the group breaking up further in the corner. I glared at my palms waiting to see the blood, I was going to break the skin I was digging in so deep.
"But I'm still your friend," she put her hand over my own and I felt the tears pooling in my eyes. "Is there something you have to tell me now?"
"I don't even know where to start at this point." I sighed and released my hands examining the deep red marks on my palms.
"Wait," she looked around the emptying ballroom for a moment, "where is Stellan? Why isn't he on top of you like usual?"
"The Maldives didn't go so well." I sniffled toward my hands. Colette snatched her hands back so quickly that I looked up at her, concerned. She'd put them over her mouth and was shaking her head,
"No." Her face dropped. "He broke you."
For her to guess it so exactly, and to hear it out loud for the first time, made the onslaught of chained emotions push against the containment walls in my brain. This was a dangerous conversation to be having in the open. I tried to redirect it,
"I heard the shooting schedule almost broke you." I gave her my best fake smile. She looked around us, suspiciously, and then moved even closer. I chanced another glance at the group. Stellan was finishing up with two men now, their conversation just muted noise across the ballroom. We were alone on our own side.
"How could he fuck up a Christmas holiday?" Colette angrily snapped and glared at Stellan across the room. The guilt and panic and anger slammed against my restraint and I tried my best to stay even and pragmatic,
"To be fair we broke each other."
"Each other?" She looked toward him again. "How could that have possibly happened?"
"I could have handled my miscarriage better," I offered and kept my eyes on the pair of men in the group. They were starting to shift around on their feet - this would be over soon. Colette's shocked gasp snapped my attention away.
"Miscarriage?" She whispered and put a hand on my knee. "Are you alright? Avery, what the hell is going on?"
Colette's gasp had made the group look toward us and I knew Stellan had caught me staring at them. I turned myself back to Colette shaking my head. I gave her a big, fake, laugh. The group turned back around. Taking a breath I pressed my lips together, feeling the first tear break down my face. She opened her mouth a little, and then snapped it shut, the realization dawning on her. We couldn't talk about this here. We were being watched. I smiled tightly trying to throw the group off, swiping the tear away and tucking a flyaway in the same motion before whispering back,
"I had them fly in brunch from that pastry shop you love in Paris."
"You didn't have to do that, I could have just had coffee with you." She looked toward Stellan, though I didn't join her. I didn't have to, I could sense him moving toward us.
"What's the point of all this money if I can't spoil my friends?" I tacked on a hollow laugh at the end. She frowned at me,
"Are you sure you…"
I saw him getting close and stood, "do you need someone to show you to your room?"
I snapped my fingers and one of the members of my security detail emerged from the shadows. I inclined my head toward her, he silently waited to escort her.
"Avery," she whispered, her eyebrows furrowed with worry. Stellan was half-way across the floor now. I leaned forward and hugged her tightly, my voice wobbly and thick with tears as I said,
"Please don't say anything. There is a lot you don't know. I'm really glad you're here."
"Whatever you want." She hugged me back and then stood, allowing herself to be led away.
Stellan stopped in the middle of the dance floor, a little bewildered, and then met eyes with me. It was the first time we could look at each other without an audience all night and it made my heart flip in my chest again. Suddenly I was back on the deck of the Eiffel Tower. Another useless Circle party. Another expensive dress. And him, looking just as handsome and dangerous, moving toward me. I stopped the memory, shook myself out of it. But my heart was hammering in my chest, making me flush. His eyes poured over the flush and even from across the room I could almost feel his warm fingers sliding, up, up, up toward my hair. I exhaled, hard, he clenched his fists at his side.
I looked around the empty venue, messy table cloths, discarded desserts, stacked chairs, champagne flutes soiled with lipstick. Success, in other words. We'd done it - and now he could leave again. The click of his shoes echoed across the empty dance floor as he took a few more steps toward me and my supernova heart burned white in my chest. I was ready now, to allow myself to really look at him and implode. He didn't disappoint. His face was thinner and paler than I'd ever remembered, and it just made him look even more attractive somehow. But the eyes - his eyes held more in them than anything I was ready to deal with. This devastation that mixed with quiet resolve in the beautiful deep blue. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.
We might have succeeded in tricking the Circle, but the walls still had eyes here. I needed to leave before I shattered the illusion with tears. But I wanted him to know. I wanted him to know that everything I'd done in his absence had come from a place of subjugation - for Anya, for him, for everyone. The gesture I'd grown to despise flashed in front of my eyes.
With a deep bow of my head, eyes down at the floor, I took a breath before looking up.
"Your Majesty," I quietly and evenly said.
He frowned, gave me a quick nod back and took a breath as if to say something. I couldn't let him do that. I wouldn't be able to keep it together. I turned my back to him and rushed out the side door as fast as I could. Leaving him standing there, alone, in the middle of the empty ballroom.