I handed her the cup, fuming and she thanked me with her sad smile.
« What is it ? » i asked, sitting in front of her on the tatami.
« Nothing. » she answered, eyes avoiding mine and wiggling nervously.
« You have always been a terrible liar. » i said, sipping my cup « tell me what bothers you. »
She didn't say anything and kept her eyes on the tatami and I waited patiently for her to talk. She knew I wouldn't let go of the bone until she speaks to me.
« Well... » she started, uncomfortable « You're my husband... »
She paused and I waited again a few seconds but nothing more came. She seemed lost in thought.
« And that bothers you ? » i asked in my toneless voice, trying not to let all my raging emotions leak out from my voice.
« No ! » she blushed « not at all ! That's not what... Just... Wait a second... » she stuttered, trying to organize her thoughts « We've been married for more than a month now and... I noticed that since you came back from the Guardians, when we make love, you never... » she blushed some more « what I'm trying to say is that at first, I thought it was because we weren't married but... Now we are and you still... I'm starting to wonder if maybe you... Don't want any children with me... I know you have Haruhi now so maybe you don't want another heir but... »
I put my cup down and took her in my arms, making the flow of her words stop. She hesitated at first then closed her arms on me.
« Chizuru... » i said « I'm sorry. »
She detached herself from me and I saw some little tears in the corner of her eyes.
« So its true, then ? You don't want any children with me... » she whispered, sobbing.
« I want children with you, Chizuru. » i said « I really do. »
« Then... Why are you... avoiding it ? » she asked.
« It's... » I sighed « We never had a proper conversation about the child we lost. I thought maybe you weren't ready to go through it again. I wanted to protect you. »
« So... » she said shyly « you want some ? »
« I do. » i reassured her, taking her back in my arms « Nothing could make me happier than to have little demonic children with horns running around and calling me father. »
« Hajime, that's not funny. » she chuckled while sobbing.
« You laughed. » i said, caressing her hair « therefore it was hilarious. »
She looked at me with all the love in the world and circled her arms around my neck to kiss me gently, tenderly.
« I love you, you know. » she said with a small smile.
« I love you too. » i replied, making little kisses on the corner of her mouth « and if you want a child, I'll make one with you right now. »
« For real ? » she asked shyly, blushing as if it was our first time.
« For real. » i repeated « i cannot guarantee that it'll work tonight but I'll keep trying until we have a baby. » i said while moving my kisses to her neck. « And I will be there, this time. I will never leave you again. »
« But Haruhi... » she started.
« Is with Souji. » i finished, lowering her on the tatami.
I kept kissing her neck while my hands came working on her obi and the other ties holding her kimono in place and she started to pant softly in anticipation. I was feeling so guilty to have been so insensitive to her feelings. I should have talked to her sooner instead of making her think things that weren't even true.
I opened her kimono and kissed her shoulders and collarbone, slowly, tenderly. There was more that just making a baby. I wanted her to feel reasured, to feel loved, to feel whole under my touch. I wanted her to see that even with the loss of our child, even with Haruhi joining our family, even with the war coming up, I would love her more every day.
I realized that the tatami shouldn't be the most comfortable place in this room and I quickly unfolded our futon and passed my arms under her body to lift her up and lay her there. She chuckled to see me so caring and she seemed to relax a bit. Her hands took my swords out of my obi and put them on the side before untying it. They traveled on my back until she reached my shoulders and she pulled the kimono off my body while i kissed the valley between her breasts. She rested her hands on my chest when I lifted my head to kiss her and our tongues met like they were dueling, fighting for their lives. She took away my kanzashi and dig her fingers in my hair which came flowing around me as my head lowered once more to claim one of her nipples.
« It's so much better now that there is no knots anymore... » she said between two moans, combing her fingers even deeper in my mane so dark it had blue highlights « it's so agreable to touch them... »
I didn't answer and switched to the other nipple, playing with it with my tongue.
« I love your hair... » she continued « That raven-like color... I don't know if I told you before... Ha... I hope they will always stay that long... » she said, looking at it cascade on her body under her touch.
I lifted my head again and plunged my gaze into her chestnut eyes.
« Are we really going to speak about my hair right now ? » I frowned.
She chuckled and made me roll, pining me to the futon before kissing me and she sat, looking down on me. From there, i could see her in all her gorgeousness. Her small and proud breasts, the curve of her hips, her stomach a bit round but where you could still see the abs underneath, her immaculate skin, her neckline and discreet collarbone, her round face, her hazel eyes and her lips, moists and curved into a smile.
« I love you. » i whispered in awe.
There was nothing more to say. She was perfect and I loved her. All of her. I still couldn't believe that I was lucky enough for her to be my wife.
She brushed her fingers on some scars on my chest and lowered her head to kiss them. It was a sweet torture, making me shiver with each of her small kisses, light as feathers, and I started panting as well, feeling that I needed to have her. I put my hands on her hips but didn't lower them, letting her kiss my neck while her fingers were clenching to my side and carressing my stomach. One of her hand travelled lower to grip me and that signed the end of my patience.
I rolled her over, unable to take it any longer, and positionned myself properly before asking her with a smirk « So... Are we making this baby ? »
« Yes-aaaah » she answered as I entered her.
I began moving slowly, still covering her with kisses. I was opening all the barriers of restraint and self-control that I built myself for three months now, not allowing myself to be one with her. My pace increased, guided by Chizuru's moans of pleasure and my own growing desire. It was liberating to know that I was finally allowed to love her properly until the end. I didn't wanted to stop before seeing her golden eyes but it was getting harder for me with every thrust.
I rested my body on one elbow to snake my other hand near the junction of our bodies and help her reach higher peaks of pleasure. When i was on the verge of giving up, surrendering to my own extasy, her eyes lit with that golden light I was so proud to awake every time and we shared that precious moment of total abandon.
I stayed in her, collapsing on her body, panting. It felt so delightful, so satisfying, so right... to be with her completely.
« Hajime... I love you but... you're heavy... » she said after a few minutes and I escaped a small laugh before parting from her and rolling to the side.
I took her in my arms and held her tight, as if she could try to escape me. She returned my embrace and I pulled the sheets over our bodies. Haruhi could come back anytime soon.
« Do you think it's gonna work ? » she asked me.
I stayed silent and kissed her instead. I had no idea but I wanted to believe and in the worst case scenario, we'll just have to try again and that wasn't bothering me the slightest. I just hoped that this time, it would be strong enough. I've been thinking a lot about it since I discovered that Chizuru was a demon. Maybe it was because of me, because I was human, that the child lacked of strength. Maybe if it had been Kazama, the child would have lived. All this... I was asking it to myself nearly every day but I never spoke to Chizuru about it. I didn't know if she had the same doubts and worse, I was fearing she could confirm them.
« Would you rather have a boy or a girl ? » she asked me with a smile.
« I didn't know that I got to choose. » i answered in my toneless voice.
She chuckled and started brushing her fingers on the multitude of scars on my chest.
« I think I'd like a boy. » she said, very seriously « A little boy with your eyes and as honorable and strong as his father. »
Her words invade my chest with warmth as I pictured her with our son in my mind. A son... She would be the best mother in the whole world.
I lost myself in thoughts, remembering how it was before she entered my life. I was a sword, a tool, back then, with no other purpose than to kill and serve. Now I had her and Haruhi and maybe soon, a child of my blood.
I was still a sword. I was still serving. But now, I knew that no matter what comes upon me, I would not die. Because I had something to protect.