Aftermath (7)

"What the Hell happened to you?"

Zelretch raised an eyebrow at Illya's bewildered tone, asking, "Going to have be a bit more specific than that, Little Emiya. Are you referring to my personality or the slight bulge of my gut? Because the character was a direct result of my long life and many experiences while the gut is last night's lasagna. Cheese is my one true weakness."

Pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation the Homunculus clarified, "I'm talking about your soul, Vampire. Why is it such a broken mess?"

The pair held a challenging gaze for almost a minute-

-and Zelretch rolled his eyes, reclining in his chair before responding, "Oh very well, I suppose this question would arise sooner or later, given your expanding talents."

Illya crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow, the Vampire motioning for her to speak.

"Well? What do you see?"

"A right mess. Your circuits are atrophied and so haphazardly placed across your soul that it's a miracle you can use magecraft to any meaningful extent whatsoever. And don't even get me started on how your Apostle side interacts with your Human one. Compared to Onii-chan's solid tapestry yours is some frayed and pissed-on carpet."

A snort left the Apostle, tone amused as he stated, "Well you certainly don't mince words when it comes to pointing out the flaws in your great and esteemed teacher, now don't you?"

"Remove the words 'great' and 'esteemed' and I would agree with that statement."

"Cheeky, aren't you? Also that prior sentence wouldn't make sense if you only removed great and esteemed...you would still have an oddly placed 'and', thus negating the purpose and gravity of your attempt at scathing humor."

Illya tapped her foot and arched an eyebrow, the Apostle motioning for her to take a seat alongside him.

"You know of my battle against Crimson Moon?"

"You've mentioned it in passing. Something dumb like you stopped the moon with a laser beam?"

"Nice to know you consider the event that crippled me as 'something dumb'. Really makes all the sacrifice and pain worth it."

Setting his hands over the top of his cane with a nostalgic gesture the Vampire recounted, "Like I told you before, my engagement of the moon's Ultimate One was a hasty and spur of the moment decision, born of both necessity and overconfidence. I truly underestimated the strength and power of a being arguably greater than any mere God. And I paid the price."

The Apostle's ruby eyes met the Homunculus's, tone grave as he stated, "It was no exaggeration, when I said I repelled the moon. Crimson Moon held more power than I could ever imagine and brought forth the celestial body that was its core. I had to make use of the Jewel Sword and channel unimaginable amounts of mana through my circuits, all while fighting off the effects of vampirization."

The older man made an idle gesture with his hand.

"The reason why my soul and circuits, to your eyes, no doubt seem so utterly destroyed and atrophied is because I essentially burned them out in a battle for the fate of the planet. If you say my vampirization facet is also ruined and haywire then it was likely damaged during that process as well. Haven't exactly had the opportunity for someone to sit down and perform a thorough scan before."

"Well I can assure you, it looks bad."

Zelretch grunted before silence fell between the pair, Illya lost in thought for a time before abruptly stating, "I might be able to fix you, if I'm given time to get better at the Third Magic."

The Homunculus felt an entirely unnatural amount of satisfaction in seeing the great Kaleidoscope, for the first time in recent memory, look surprised.

"Sorry, care to repeat that statement for me?"

"I guess hearing is one of the first things to go when you get older, isn't it?"

"Har har. Explain."

Illya thought back to the night she had attempted to fix her brother's early onset of vampirization, of how she had binded the two natures of Human and Apostle together around the skeletal structure of his base soul. Compared to Zelretch's tattered and disconnected threads of existence Shirou's soul was a bonafide masterpiece...but if she advanced along her studies far enough, well...True Magics were capable of incredible feats, after all.

"When fixing Onii-chan's vampirization before he could turn all the way, I sort of, well...accidentally made him some kind of perfect Vampire. Or at least one that barely even needs to drink blood, isn't bothered all that much by sunlight and doesn't need to be invited into the room first."

She pointed at the Wizard Marshall's chest.

"I think I can replicate the feat with you, turning what looks to be shoddy work in terms of Vampire changes into something that's actually complete and worth a damn. Right now you suck."

The Apostle matched Illya's gaze with a contemplative air, the Homunculus inquiring, "So? Feel like actually attaining a worthwhile level of your former power, Kaleidoscope? I'll do it if you say pretty please~!"

Instead of the scathing remark, disinterested rebuttal or any other response she had come to expect of the ancient Vampire he instead fell into silent contemplation, eyes narrowed as the albino began to wonder if she'd perhaps said something strange or weird.

"...What? You don't think I can actually do something like that?"

"It's not a matter of believing in your abilities or their limits, Miss Emiya. And while I feel quite confidant that I will sooner or later accept your offer...I am a prideful person, Illyasviel. My power was gained and subsequently lost by my own hand and decisions. To just be gifted it back by another's goodwill? It feels cheap."

Cocking her head the Homunculus blandly replied, "I can understand that. I wouldn't like to owe anyone or feel like I was given aid out of pity...but if you'll be all the stronger when it comes time to engage our foes during the Aylesbury Ritual?"

Illya's eyes narrowed.

"My brother's life and freedom is on the line, in case you've forgotten. Lower our chances of success because your ego was too overinflated to accept my help? I tell you now, Kaleidoscope...you won't like the outcome of such a decision."

Teacher and student matched gazes-

-and Zelretch burst out laughing, fiercely grinning as he stated, "You need to work on your threats, Little Emiya."

"That was no threat, just a statement of fact."

"Hmph. Semantics. Very well, I'll make you a wager, Miss Emiya. Master this proclaimed ability of yours within six months and I'll put my soul in your hands to do as you wish with. Exceed that time limit and the deal is off."

Illya glowered, snarling, "Is that what this is to you? A game?"

"Oh relax, would you? What is life but a game, and what else is the purpose of a game but to enjoy and smile during its tenure? And I would not issue such a challenge if I believed it beyond your ability. Continue to surprise me, Illyasviel. Witnessing unique twists and turns in fate is a rather novel experience for one such as I."

Turning back to the snoring chimp that had pissed on her boots and latest dismembered limb Illya growled, "One such as I...you mean an old prick of a Vampire?"

"Such childish insults! I see moving to a new body has not done away with all of your holdovers from such a tiny form."

The Homunculus resisted the urge to break something, like the neck bones of a certain Apostle she admired some of the time and despised most of the time.

"I can't wait for the day I work the Third Magic and not earn a splitting headache..."

Illya grumbled as she and Shirou trudged through deep snow, approaching the boundary of the Einzbern bounded fields as the invisible protections reached out and engulfed her being, identifying her as their master before returning to their passive states.

"Have you determined why it is that using the True magic causes you so much stress?"

"If I had I would be taking steps to not have my head feel like someone is smacking it with a hammer, Onii-chan."

"Right, sorry."

Scooping up a handful of icy slush before holding it to her forehead the Homunculus gave an irritated wave of dismissal to the patrolling Homunculus teams, the combat models bowing shortly before returning to their watchful patterns without further comment.

"My ever-increasing headache aside how are your studies going, Onii-chan?"

The Apostle's eyes closed for a moment before a plain, unmarked stone appeared in his palm with a burst of prana, the albino's eyes widening in excitement as she made to congratulate her lover-

-and the construct shattered into panes of drifting energy, the Apostle sighing tiredly.

"I've made progress—enough for Rin to stop becoming stressed out—but it's slow going. Creating such an unfamiliar and foreign object takes most of my concentration."

"You'll get it eventually, Onii-chan. But enough about work, what do you want to do tonight? I don't have any stupid Einzbern family stuff to learn, it's still fairly early in the day and we can end whatever fun things we decide to do by having sex before falling asleep, it'll be a perfect date~!"

Nodding to himself Shirou replied, "I'm fine with whatever you want, Illya-"

He cut himself off as a foot softly collided with his shin, the albino scowling as she pointedly stated, "You're making the same mistake, Onii-chan. Not doing or thinking about what you want. Try again."

The Ancestor fell silent for a while, lost in thought-

"You don't actually know what you want to do, do you?"

"Sorry, Illya. I'm still not used to considering what leisure activities I would perform for simple enjoyment, aside from the ones we perform every night."

Not sure whether to blush in pleasure at how her Shirou liked indulging in her body or scowling at how clinical he still was with his words and thoughts Illya settle for shrugging, stating, "Well why don't we do something with Saber, Lancer and Sella? They haven't had much to do for the past month and I doubt people as willful as two past heroes are content with just standing around."

"True. I imagine the Hound of Ireland will begin acting restless sooner or...later..."

"Onii-chan?"

Putting a finger to his lips Shirou motioned for Illya to stay behind him, quietly sidling up to a nearby door as they entered the main building before swiftly unholstering his father's gun, the Homunculus cluing in to his unease and whispering, "What is it?"

"I think Sella is being attacked. On three."

Instantly feeling a flash of rage at the brazenness of her family—no doubt they had cornered her loyal companion in order to force answers out of her, maybe even use her as a hostage—Illya gathered her strength, formed drifting butterflies of raw prana that could fire annihilating bolts of energy at her discretion and promptly forgot about her headache.

She had a friend to save.

The Homunculus's teeth grit as Sella released a cry of unidentified emotion, Shirou's fingers curled inward with the final digit meeting his fist as a pair of swords were Traced over his shoulder, the door kicked in as he cleared the room-

"Oh."

-and awkwardness ensured.

"Oi, ever heard of knocking?"

Clad in nothing but his birthday suit Cú Chulainn was positioned behind an equally nude Sella, the Homunculus sporting a rapturous expression that was swiftly turning to one of horror as she met Illya's perplexed gaze.

The pair had clearly been well into 'rough' play since the albino's ponytail was firmly clasped in one of the male's fists, the other mauling a slight breast as bite marks littered the woman's pale skin.

Illya blinked a few times before turning to Shirou, dispelling her familiars as she asked, "Shirou, do I make that kind of face?"

"Sometimes. Sorry, should we come back later?"

The blunt question caused Lancer to roll his eyes, replying, "Unless you want to join in, yeah."

"Right. Sorry."

A noise somewhat resembling a whimper left Sella as she protested, "M-Milady, I swear I wasn't shirking my duties, it was just, just-"

"Ah, Lady Illyasviel, there you are. I heard you and Shirou arrive and was meaning to inform you that some guests...have..."

Saber abruptly rounded the corner, entered the room and laid eyes on the tableau unfolding before them, emerald orbs widening comically before fair skin began to flush red.

"Not that I have any problems with exhibitionism but I think the fair lass here does. Do you all mind?"

Cú Chulainn's amused comment coincided with his hand lightly smacking the maid's ass, the Homunculus yelping in pleasure before blushing scarlet at the blatant display of eroticism.

"W-w-what is this indecency?! H-h-have you no shame, Lancer?!"

Arturia looked torn between embarrassed fury and schoolgirl panic, eyes darting all over the room to avoid the sight before her but returning to it nonetheless.

Not that the blue-haired man seemed perturbed by Saber's reaction in the slightest, merely pulling Sella into a tight embrace as he smirked at the flushed King of Knights, pointedly wriggling his hips as the Homunculus whimpered at the motion.

"Shame~? You're the one who's all hot and bothered by this, Saber...feel like jumping in? I bet you could use a bit of relaxation, always being so uptight, prim and proper."

Illya was fairly certain she saw steam leak out of the Servant's ears, tone stuttering worse than a broken turntable as she retorted, "N-n-never will I stoop to such, such, such wanton l-lust! You and Lancelot would have gotten along splendidly!"

With that the Once and Future King whirled on her heel, stomping away at a frantic pace while the remaining four watched her go.

"...Milady, I didn't-Mmm~!"

Remembering a few gestures she had witnessed during her wanderings of Fuyuki Illya offered her maid a thumbs-up, stating, "He's rough around the edges, but I approve of your choice, Sella. Don't worry about making dinner tonight, Onii-chan will handle that."

She and Shirou quickly left the room, Lancer stating, "What a glowing review, thanks."

The door clicked shut, whatever protests Sella might have had quickly being replaced with a whimpered mewl of excitement.

"We should probably go find Saber and make sure she's not doing something silly, like crying in a corner or beating up some poor idiot who thought he could boss her around."

Shirou nodded amicably and followed her closely, the Homunculus tapping her lip before asking, "Speaking of Saber, didn't she say something about guests or-"

"Ah, Midget-chan. Has our brief time apart removed the concept of hospitality from you? Truly, a shame. Just when you were starting to become worthy of the Lord's admiration as one of his flock."

Illya once more became aware of the headache that was still raging throughout her skull, slowly turning to meet the smirking face of one Caren Hortensia and placid features of Sakura Matou.

"...So much for tonight being one of relaxation and fun..."

Did you hear about the chef who got his hand stuck in the dishwasher?

They both got fired.

...

That exact joke came to mind when Sella and Lancer began doing the dirty. Poor Saber, if it's not one abnormally horny subordinate/ally she has to deal with then it's another.