Night fell on Godric's Hollow.
Lily sprawled on the guest room bed as moonlight filtered through the branches of the big maple outside her window. Tonight, the crescent moon waned, narrowing more with each passing day. But despite the dim quiet, she couldn't sleep.
This is bad… She rubbed sleepless eyes. Without the distraction of school, she had little to do—nowhere to burn the pent-up anxiety, the raw nerves. Just like many other recent nights, her mind wandered into memory.
The Thursday after Penelope's death hung over Lily like a boulder on a frayed string. Students—especially the other Life Defenders—walked the halls in a daze.
Lit candles covered the group's meeting room, and at that first meeting everyone looked to her and the Marauders, begging for explanation.
"I still don't understand," choked thirteen-year-old Katherine. "Why did she… die?"
"She was a muggleborn," said Regulus solemnly.
Though Lily had already said this, it hadn't sunk in yet for everyone.
"She was a mudblood?" Jugson wrinkled her nose.
"We don't use that word here," Regulus snapped. "There's nothing wrong with being muggleborn."
"I'm one too in case anyone missed that." Lily took a defensive stance.
Jugson gaped. "I don't believe it!"
"You have a problem?" Regulus snarled. "Then spit it out!"
"How could you trick me?" Jugson was on her feet in an instant. "Filthy mudbloods. I'm out of here!"
"Why you—"
"Stop it, Reg." Though her own anger flared, Lily grabbed his sleeve to stop him from doing anything stupid—like punch Jugson in her self-righteous face. All that stopped her from doing it herself was knowing Penelope would have said it wasn't worth it.
Katherine whispered again, "I don't… get it… Is she really dead? He killed her just because she was muggleborn? But… she was—was… just Pen. What sense does that make?"
"That's exactly the point," Reg hissed as Jugson slammed the door on her way out. "It doesn't make any sense. That's what Severus was trying to tell us all along!" He flung his school bag into the nearest corner so hard the five closest students jumped. "The Dark Lord kills muggleborns like Pen. Why? Because they're muggleborns!"
"He's evil," said Lily, tone firm as forged steel.
"It's all stupid!" Regulus raged. "Everything those old farts back home had us believing—the garbage they shoveled down our throats—it's idiotic! If I hadn't figured it out, I'd have stayed on that same cursed road. I'd have become one of them!" Reg paced, lost in a world of bitter pain without care for the tears in his eyes.
To his credit, Sirius let his brother have his needed space.
"What about Severus? Where is he?" said Diane Diggory. "He's not dead too… is he?" Her voice wavered. "Why isn't he here?"
"He's out there," Lily gestured toward the nearest window, feeling more exhausted than she could remember, "fighting to protect us all." At the thought of Sev alone, a thousand blades of sadness ripped through her. If only she could do something to help him…
Lily couldn't linger in that moment anymore. It hurt too much. She grasped for another memory, a happier one. "Sev…" she whispered. "Oh, Sev…"
Last December she and Sev had taken a walk in the snow…
"It's freezing," Sev grumbled as he rubbed warmth into his hands. "You have the oddest ideas!"
"It's hard to have my boyfriend to myself when we're inside," Lily said as the recent snow crunched under her shoes. "You're popular lately."
"Excuse me?"
Lily laughed at his confusion. The cluelessness in his deep black eyes was beyond adorable as the winter air colored his cheeks. Merlin… she really had fallen in love with him! He looked better now—a lot. Happiness became him, and others saw it too. But he still possessed an air of mystery only she could get through—and with ease. If she wanted, Lily could have Sev wrapped around her little finger whenever she wanted. Knowing he was hers delighted her. "I said I wanted some time alone with my boyfriend." She kissed him—properly—and sent the usually focused Sev into a disbelieving daze. To see him happy thrilled her heart.
"I think I can live with that," he said with a grin so out of place Lily giggled.
"You'd better." She socked his arm playfully. The next instant she snagged his arm. He stopped.
Quiet blanketed everything for one eternal breath.
Lily stepped in front of Sev, took one of his hands and laid her unoccupied one on his shoulder.
"What are you doing?" said Sev.
"Dancing. What does it look like?"
"Uh… I don't think—"
She cut him off with another kiss.
"You're impossible." He surrendered and mirrored her steps far more artfully than she'd anticipated and as they flowed through the dance, he whirled her around, caught, and elegantly dipped her.
"You made me think you couldn't dance!" Lily caught her breath as the moment ended.
"You're bound to pick up something in forty years of living." He kept hold of her hand and led her through lightly falling snowflakes to a birch tree.
She followed willingly. "Something—"
This time, he kissed her.
Finally, he'd pulled together the guts to do it. Joy warmed Lily. She'd tried so hard to nudge him along, prompt him to do it himself. Until now, he'd only kissed her on the forehead.
"Cheat." She grinned when he pulled back.
"You started it." He chuckled. "And you should know by now how much I want you."
Lily's heart sang. "I know."
No. No, no… If the first memory hurt, this one burned, like acid on an open wound. Lily choked, eyes misty. We were happy! Why, Sev? Why are you… such… an idiot!
Every day—every single bloody day—Sev forced her to watch him wallow in suffocating misery. It was unbearable! Why did he insist on doing this to himself? What was the point? Were they not happy together? Now, he was dark and grim as before, only colder.
"Sev?" She tried to get his attention from one table behind him during Potions. He didn't even turn around.
"Sev, look at me!" she hissed in a loud whisper.
Again, no reaction. At her first opportunity she left her table and circled in front of him, leaning over his station so her face hovered inches from his gaunt features. He didn't have to look this way. He could be so handsome… even now, his face reverted to sullenness, eyes hard as steel, he was still handsome.
"Sev! Talk to me!" Her loud frustration earned looks from everyone in the room, but she didn't care.
Sev narrowed black eyes, lips a thin line. "Miss Evans," he sneered, "I'm at a crucial stage in my brewing. Kindly allow me to concentrate." With more audacity than a disapproving cat, he turned his back to her.
Lily's anger flared so hot her temper conquered her maturity and she smacked Sev's small cauldron, spilling the half-made potion everywhere. "Woops. Sorry," she said, tone anything but apologetic. "Guess this stage isn't so crucial anymore."
This earned one short glance from Severus before he silently cleaned up the mess.
"Sev," she demanded again. "Look at me! Look. At. Me!"
But he was just as stubborn and kept cleaning.
"I said, look at me!" She grabbed him by the shoulders and jerked him up from the floor to look her in the face.
He scowled. "Don't touch me." The poison in his voice would have scared even the strongest of men. But not Lily Evans.
She didn't let go. "Or you'll what? Hex me? Spare me the empty threats, Sev. I'm not afraid of you."
For the barest fraction of a moment, Sev's eyes softened, even showed a fragment of defeat. The next instant they iced over again as he pulled away from her grasp.
"You can't go on like this. Look at yourself!" Lily waved a hand at his pathetic figure—one that could be magnificent if only he wanted it to be. "You'll break if you keep this up." She banged a fist on the table. "Look at me, COWARD!"
Severus whirled to shove the outburst right back in her face. His expression contorted in rage. "Shut up!" The raw emotion in those two words made her ears ring. For a split second, Lily was afraid. "Shut up and leave me alone!" Now desperation replaced wrath and Sev hauled in three deep, staggered breaths before he turned his back to her again.
"Sev?" Lily pleaded, fighting tears. "Who do you think you're fooling? Because it isn't me. I see right through you."
Severus said nothing.
Why did she have to find that memory? Why keep doing this to herself? But nothing would stem the flood of past woes and another incident, one a while before the confrontation in the Potions room came back to her.
"Ouch. Ow!" Sev turned to glare at Lily. "What in Merlin's name are you doing?"
"Your hair's tangled again." Lily worked out a stubborn knot of black hair with her brush as they sat together in the library. It was late October and winter's first signs chilled the air, but inside it was still cozy and warm. Tired of watching Sev brood over scrolls and books, she decided this was the perfect time to be in a teasing mood. "If you'd brush it yourself every morning you wouldn't have this problem." She shook her brush at him in a playful scold. "That's what happens when you have thick hair and keep it this long. I like it though." She ran her fingers through a smooth section. "It's so you."
"It wasn't that thick six months ago," he grumbled under his breath.
"Stress." The awfulness of what he would be going through now if they hadn't reconciled came to mind—and she still had no idea the horrors of his previous life. "We'll have to make sure you never have to shoulder that much of it again."
"Stop!" Sev tried to escape the brush by ducking under the table. "I promise I'll brush it this evening. And tomorrow." He sat on the floor, watching her like he was a chicken about to be plucked. "I'll do it every day for the rest of my life if you'll just leave it alone for now!"
"I'm not buying it." Lily smirked. "You'll forget again."
She chuckled at his blank stare. She was probably the only person on earth who could pull stunts like this without being hexed into next century.
Taking advantage of the gap in his attention, Lily dove under the table with him and took hold of his hair again. The unknotted bits were so soft.
"Infernal woman…" Severus muttered.
"Stubborn donkey," Lily retorted with a snort. At least she'd distracted him from whatever dark paths he'd just tried to wander. "There. All done." She drew a hand through his hair. "It feels so nice."
He caught her hand and stopped her from playing with his hair. "Please, don't do that again." He seemed sincere, almost desperate.
"No promises," she tried to joke.
"Please."
In Sev's eyes lingered something… Was it… fear? She fought the urge to touch his hair again—to throw her arms around him and kiss his forehead. A blush warmed her cheeks at the idea, and she gave him an apologetic smile. Stop it. Don't even think that way. He's obviously not ready for things like that. "If that's what you want." Lily crawled from under the table and settled into her chair.
It took Severus a moment to brave returning to his seat, but when he did, he fixed his attention on his work, never taking his eyes from the books he'd brought to study from.
"Idiot," Lily mumbled so quietly Sev couldn't have heard her. If she'd kept messing with his hair one second longer, she would have kissed him. And not just on the forehead.
As Sev studied, Lily couldn't help but think his face—especially his eyes—were so distinctly his, but now… they'd turned foreign. This wasn't the same Sev she grew up with, but she liked him a lot better this way. Even as he tried to hide behind his dark hair, a soft glow spread through her chest. He's—he's the most adorable person on earth! And definitely handsome. How long had she seen him this way? Since they were nine? No, ten. Why am I just now noticing?
Confident, proud, independent yet uncertain, humble, needy, complex—but simple: this was Sev. Unique. And she loved him for it—flaws and all—though she didn't fully understand everything.
Lily's heart beat faster than a wolf chasing a rabbit and her blush from a moment ago crept down her neck. He chose me—over everything else. And he chose to do the right thing. He's a good man… I know that now. The uncomfortable warmth didn't dissipate. She wanted him—wanted to embrace him, kiss him and hold him tight. But she kept her thoughts to herself and pretended to read her schoolbooks.
She wanted Sev, and she'd get him. All she needed was the right moment. Then she would never let go. Ever!
At James' house, time crept by and as midnight became pre-dawn, Remus couldn't sleep. Though two days had passed since the full moon, the memory of ripping into that deer, blood covering his head and fur while its warm entrails gushed around him… The nauseating images lingered.
Tonight, he escaped to the kitchen.
Regulus, his roommate, stared after Remus as he left.
He probably hasn't slept tonight either. Remus shut the door quietly so as not to wake anyone who might have managed to get to sleep.
With Regulus' tenuous relationship with James and Sirius and the mountain of guilt he carried, Remus was the least-controversial option for Regulus to share a room with. He'd willingly throw himself to an early death if he thought he could redeem himself that way… Just like Severus.
Though he'd never tried to commit a crime or do something blatantly self-serving like the other boys, Remus felt for them. I'm cursed too. The urge rose to wash away the dirt coating his soul—an urge he doubted he would ever escape. If he could redeem himself, he would—no matter the cost.
Remus tiptoed into the empty kitchen and splashed water on his face, but the sense of being stuck in a soiled blanket remained. With a sigh he sank into a chair at the table and buried his face in his hands. I've got to get out.
A rustle of wings at the window pulled him from his misery. Owls—five of them—settled in the near window. "Wha…?"
James trotted down the stairs. "Moony?"
"Our Hogwarts letters are here." Remus let the owls in. Each one delivered one student's exam results and curriculum for the next year. Guess we're headed to Hogsmeade soon to buy books.
"Our letters?" Lily followed close behind James, looking like she hadn't slept either.
All three claimed their letters and with a flurry of crinkles Lily and Remus opened them, but James hesitated.
"Something wrong?" said Lily.
"It's heavy." James tucked a finger into the envelope and tugged it open. "You've gotta be kidding me!"
"What?" said Remus. "Got your first detention of the year already?"
"Ha, ha. Very funny," James snarked and displayed a shiny badge.
"What's that?" Remus leaned closer to have a better look.
"Pad will never let me live this down…" James shook his head. "Looks like Dumbledore's lost his mind and made me Head Boy."
"Congratulations!" Lily smiled.
"This is me. Remember?"
"Yes, but you've grown up," said Lily. "It's not really that surprising."
"Same here," said Remus.
"So, why not Moony? Or somebody else?"
"I think I have enough to handle already." Remus snorted. "And just listen to us for a second. You really have grown up. You've taken responsibility for younger students."
"What's going on down here?" Sirius, fully dressed, hair wet shuffled into the kitchen.
"Dumbledore made James Head Boy." Lily announced.
"You're kidding."
"No. Look." James held up the badge.
"Disgusting." Sirius turned up his nose. "What have I done to deserve this?" He sat in the chair beside Remus. "To see my two best mates become a prefect and Head Boy? It's too much to bear."
Lily snorted at Sirius as she reached for her already opened letter. "Why be friends with me and Remus if you feel that way?" she teased. "We're both prefects. And your little brother is a prefect too, isn't he?"
"Merlin! How did I land in a house full of insane people?" Sirius groaned.
Lily pulled a badge out of her envelope too. "Correction—a prefect and Head Girl."
"You too?" said James. "Well… not that I'm surprised. But, wow! Congrats! You deserve it, Lily."
"Thanks." She grinned.
"Honestly." Sirius rolled his eyes. "I miss Peter. He understands me."
James and Remus went quiet.
"Sirius, you're an idiot sometimes," said Lily.
Red crept into Sirius' face as he redirected the conversation. "He still hasn't responded to any of our letters?"
James shook his head.
Sirius cursed quietly. "I hope he's all right."
"Yeah," James agreed. "Me too…"
Edited by Dtill359