Her lips taste of strawberries.
That's all I can really think about. The rest is instinct. Mouths moving against each other, fire pooling in my stomach. Ruby doesn't know she's doing, I can tell, but god. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Everything I thought I believed, every argument I'd made and every pain I'd shared crumbles under her touch. All I can feel, touch, taste, smell is her. Ruby.
My Ruby.
And then she grabs my thigh. Not hard, but close, so very, dangerously close, and everything is swept away in a burning need for more. More touch, more of this wonderfully warm friction building between us. More of her. It's a greed unlike any I've felt before, a want that blots out the world and makes me grateful for it.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Weiss?" My father yells. "You're late for dinner. Do you plan on joining us tonight, or should I tell Klein not to bother?"
The world reasserts itself with painful intensity. I pull away from my—from her, icy fear rippling through my chest.
What have I done?
God, what have I done? She reaches out to me, nothing but concern radiating from her eyes. It makes me sick, thinking that I've—that I've lied to her, brought her down into the same mire I'm in—and yet I ache for her. The world feels lacking without her touch, newly abrasive.
"Weiss—" she starts.
"Don't—don't touch me—" I say, pulling back and wrapping my arms around my legs and holding, because if I don't, if I give myself the slightest slack, I'll let her grab me, let her bring her me back into her arms, damn the consequences.
"Weiss, I—I didn't, I—I wasn't—" Ruby begins.
"Weiss?" Father says, a note of concern entering his voice. "I can hear you in there. Who are you talking to?"
"N-no one, father!" I reply, thankful for the interruption. "Just a gi—" Bad idea. "Someone from school, bringing over assignments."
There's a brief, delicate pause before he opens the door and steps in. An acknowledgment of the illusion of my privacy, but little more. He recognizes Ruby almost immediately, of course.
"The sister of the girl?" He asks me. "Honestly?"
"She's—Switzerland." What am I saying? "Neutral, I mean, she doesn't—" I shake my head, willing my thoughts into order. "S-she's just here to give me some homework."
He narrows his eyes. "It's rather late for that, isn't it?"
I open my mouth to reply, but what exactly am I supposed to say?
Ruby, thankfully, rescues the both of us. "I—I had to do some other stuff before I came over," she says, stepping off my bed and walking towards her backpack. "And, um, well, I asked her about her book collection, so she went on about that for a while, but, uh… I'll just give her the stuff and leave. Good plan? Good plan."
Rescue may have been a strong word.
She collects my homework and leaves it on my desk. I frown at the pile—it's a touch thicker than I had anticipated—before turning back to Ruby, standing in my doorway and looking at me like a lost puppy.
"I… guess I'll go now," she says, eyes flickering from my father to me.
"That would probably be for the best," I agree. And then, because I've used up what little self-control I have left, "I'll… I'll talk to you soon. Ruby."
She startles at that, looking up at me with a small smile on her lips. It's almost enough to wash away the regret, knowing that something I did made her happy.
Then she leaves.
"Charming young girl," Father says. "Something of a surprise to see her here, of course."
"I told you, Father, she's—"
"Don't play games with me, Weiss," he snaps, voice cold. "Why was she really here?"
I don't have an answer. Not really. The truth, or one of them, is entirely inadequate, and we both know it. But there's another question in there, one that I can, at least, lie about.
"She's—she's a friend," I say.
Father looks at me for a long moment. "Just a friend?"
"Y-yes," I say, but the word turns my stomach.
He doesn't ask many questions after that. But I doubt it's because he believes me.
I don't come to supper, claiming a lack of appetite. It's true, but only in so much that my stomach's roiling enough that anything I did eat would surely race back up.
I can't focus on the homework Ruby brought, so I lie in bed and try to sleep, forgetting this is where she spent hours sitting, and where we became something far more complicated than friends.
It smells like her, somehow. Or maybe it's just a memory, but it's strong enough nonetheless that I can't help but be dragged back into those (wonderfulhorribletruthful) minutes we spent together. Reliving her light touch against my skin. And as the night wears on, imagining her delve deeper. Her hands moving closer, her lips moving down, insistent. Wanting. Listening to her breath turn ragged, rapid. Hearing mine do the same.
It was never like this with Clara. We went places, yes, not far, but enough for me to spend nights wondering, fantasizing about going deeper, further. Enough to imagine how it feels to have her touch me in ways I had only done so in the privacy of my bed. But those were something else. An active daydream I had to direct. Now it's an avalanche. A battle against hazy, uncertain images, flashes of sensation and noise that nonetheless leave me shaking between the sheets.
I try to think back to Newall's words, the strategies he gave me for quenching the burning lure, but this. This inferno of love or lust or both roaring in my blood, it's—it's more than I can take. More than anyone could take.
Eventually, inevitably (gratefully), my hand moves down.
"It's not as unnatural as you may fear, you know."
I blink at the doctor. Newall, Father had called him. It's our third session together, but I'm still struggling to remember him. "I—what?"
"Your feelings," he clarifies, smiling gently.
"I never thought they were."
"Of course you did," he chides gently. "Everyone does, Miss Schnee. Even those of us blessed to fall within our Lord's design. We are all taught of love and piety, but rarely does anyone speak of lust. Of desire, of envy, jealousy and infatuation. It is a just choice, I believe, but not one without consequence. A certain degree of adolescent confusion is simply to be expected."
"Confusion," I repeat. "Is that what you think of me? Confused?"
He shakes his head. "I would never presume such, Miss Schnee. But, and forgive my bluntness, you have been through a tragedy beyond what any young girl should have to experience. Such an event would leave even the bravest and strongest among us entirely lost. And… well, considering who she was to you, can you truly say that you haven't found your feelings scattered about like autumn leaves?"
I look away. "I—I guess not, but I don't—"
"That's fine," he says. "You don't need to understand. Not yet, at least. For now, all that matters is that you've identified how you feel. Now we can begin on the difficult part."
"The difficult part?" I ask.
He smiles, teeth glinting like shattered glass. "Taking action, intelligent action, meant to resolve the problem, Miss—"
"Weiss."
He—Newall, pulls back. "Pardon?"
I sit up, straighten my posture, and meet the man's eyes.
"People I know call me Weiss," I say.
"Weiss," he repeats, before nodding slowly. "Thank you, Weiss."
I smile for the first time in days.
Somehow, I'm almost glad I'm not expected to go to school today.
I wake up three hours late, having slept through my alarm and my father's departure, a note by Klein on my bedside table telling me he had an investor meeting to attend.
It's an opportunity, inadvertent or otherwise. I roll out of bed, wincing at the late morning sun, before throwing myself into the shower and dousing my sweat caked hair in liberal quantities of shampoo and conditioner. I stay in there until the mirror turns opaque, and I feel like I'm breathing soup, trying to catalogue my feelings. Trying to understand what half of them even are.
There's a fearful tremor in my hands, and each time my thoughts drift back to Ruby, to how far I fell with merely her memory in my mind, I feel like the world's been pulled out from under my feet. But, only briefly. Very briefly, moments, really, before I resettle into something different. Something—good.
It felt good. It's wrong to admit that, but I can't exactly deny it. What I did last night, not only in private but with her, felt good. Natural. Terrifying, yes. Guilt inducing god yes. But good. Satisfying. Right.
I turn off the shower and step out, before walking up to the mirror and rubbing off some of the steam. I look myself in the eye.
"I have a crush on Ruby Rose."
Silence. My breath hitches, but there's no denial. No attempts to twist the truth into something I find palatable.
"I have a crush on Ruby Rose," I say again because, of course I do. All the pain I felt when we fought, how far I went to make up, how easy it was to spill everything to her, to trust her, because I knew I could place my heart in her hands and she'd treat it as her own.
The clothes. I bought an outfit to go to the mall with her. Ugh.
"Alright, Schnee, you figured it out," I say, resting my hands on the bathroom counter. "Now what?"
I wait until I know Yang's busy with practice to approach Ruby's house, which is because I want to avoid any unnecessary confrontations and not because it took me most of the day to work up the courage to even come here.
And even still, my hand shakes, my heart pounding in my chest as I rap on the door. God, what am I doing here? What is she going to say? What am I going to say? She's the girl I kissed, after all. The girl I told my darkest secrets to, the girl I spent most of the night fantasizing about—
"If you're looking for Yang, she's not he—" Ruby stops, staring at me through the open door with wide eyes. "Weiss."
Oh god. Oh god Oh god Oh god Oh god.
I can't answer, can't even think for a long moment as I stare at her. It's not because I'm struck down by her radiant beauty—although the old sweatpants and T-shirt she's wearing look far more adorable on her than they should and why do I like that so much—but because my brain gets stuck on an image from the previous night.
("I want to make you feel better," Ruby purrs, staring up from where she lay with a smirk that still makes me feel butterflies. "Let me.")
Eventually, with a glowing face, I stammer out, "R-Ruby. Hi."
At least she's almost as red as I am. "Weiss. You're here."
I nod.
Now use a sentence, Weiss. Put together some words to form a thought.
"Who's there?" Summer peeks her head around the doorframe, pulling back in as much surprise as Ruby did when she spots me. "Oh! Weiss. Didn't expect to see you, um, today."
"Miss Rose," I say, thankful to have someone else to direct my focus to for a moment. "S-Summer, Rose. Miss Summer Rose."
"Summer's fine, kid."
"Right, Summer." I take a breath. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I just need to talk to Ruby. About school. Schoolwork. Homework."
"You're not," Ruby says. "Interrupting, I mean. We can talk."
Summer shoots a look I won't even try to decipher at Ruby, before turning back to me. "I guess that's fine?" she says, stepping back. "Wanna come in?"
I shake my head. "No! No, that's fine. It needs to be—private. A private conversation."
"About schoolwork?"
"…Yes."
"That's fine!" Ruby says, stepping out the front door. She's wearing shoes, although when she managed to slip those on, I have no idea. "It's fine. I can do private. I'll just—I'll take her to the lake!"
"You sure you're up for that?" Summer asks her.
Ruby waves her off. "I'll be fine, Mom. It's not a huge walk."
Summer sighs. "Okay, just… be home for dinner, please?"
Ruby nods vigorously, and so Summer, sparing me one last look, shuts the door, leaving just Ruby and I alone on the front porch.
"The lake?" I ask.
The lake, as it turns out, is about a ten-minute walk from Ruby's house. Three minutes down streets and back alleys, then another seven on a winding path through a grove of trees. It's a hiking path, clearly, and I'm silently grateful I wore flats, even if they're still not entirely appropriate.
Ruby has no problem, of course, gliding along the path like it's pavement, even in ratty sneakers. She's unusually silent as well, allowing the tension between us to grow to a painful extent.
I'm still somewhat disappointed when we reach the end of the path—but only for a moment. Only until I look up and see precisely why Ruby brought us here.
The lake is beautiful.
The clearing Ruby led us to is little more a small patch of grass with only a thin railing separating the ground from the water, but it offers an uninterrupted view of the entire surface of the lake. With the sun beginning to set, casting its light through the leaves of the trees, it's like the water's caught aflame.
"Mom showed me this place," Ruby says, kicking at the ground near the railing. I refocus on her. "Me and Yang, I mean. We used to feed the ducks."
"That sounds nice," I say, wondering absently if my mother had considered taking us someplace like this.
"It was," Ruby admits. "Course, then the town passed some new bylaws or something, and, well, there's not many ducks here to feed, anymore. So it's pretty quiet now. Probably the most private place I can find."
"It's good, Ruby. Thank you."
She nods. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
I walk over, resting my arms on the railing. "I imagine you can guess."
She laughs dryly. "Yeah, I—yeah. What else would we be talking about?"
"Exactly." I suck in a breath. "My father, he knows. Or suspects, at least. That we—that you and I are—that last night we—"
"Kissed?"
I dig my nails into the railing. "That. Yes."
"Are you alright?" she asks, turning towards me and moving closer. Too close, but I can only barely fight the urge to lean in. "Did he say anything? Do anything, or—"
"I'm fine. He didn't have proof." I grimace. "Even if he knows, he's not going to disrupt anything until it affects him."
Ruby's eyes widen.
"That came out wrong," I say quietly. "He's not really like that."
"He's enough 'like that' to scare you," she notes.
"He's my father."
"I'm not scared of my dad, Weiss."
"You've had a very different life than mine, Ruby," I snap.
She pulls away, hurt written across her face. I feel like throwing up.
I look away. "It doesn't matter anyway. It's not happening again."
"The kiss?"
"Any of it," I say. "All of it. Ruby, we—we can't keep doing this."
"I…what?"
She's lost for words. Her eyes shimmer with tears. My heart feels like it's trying to strangle me, but I have no choice. "This, Ruby. Spending time together, hanging out, being friends, whatever you want to call it. We—I can't keep doing this!"
I say it louder than I intended to. Loud enough that the forest seems to go quiet. Loud enough, or perhaps, merely shocking enough, that for a long moment, it seems as if Ruby has nothing to say.
"Weiss…" Hearing the devastation in her tone is almost enough to undo me. She reaches for my arm, but I pull away. If I let her take an inch, I'll give her everything. "If—if this your dad's this upset, then…" she takes in a breath. "Then we can figure something out! We can—"
"It's not just him!" I yell, and god, I'm yelling now. I'm yelling at her. "I told you where I'm from. What I'm from. Who I was. And I told you I changed. I'm not that person. Not anymore. I've sworn that I'd be better than that. Stronger than that. And I was. Until you."
Her breath hitches. "I—I don't understand."
"Of course not," I say, smiling despite myself. "I—I thought what I had with Clara was the closest someone like me could get to—to loving someone, but you… You swept into my life, became the best friend I'd never asked for. Even when I s-screwed up, hurt you and everyone else you care about, you still believed in me. Still believed I was someone worth caring about."
"Because you are," Ruby says, slowly laying her hand over mine. "You are."
I shake my head. "I'm not. I'm selfish, arrogant. I can't love people the way I need to. Can't be the person I need to be." I swallow, corners of my eyes prickling with tears. "And—and you telling me that I'm fine, that these aren't problems isn't helping!"
Ruby jumps, pulling away. The loss of contact aches, but I grit my teeth and turn away, looking over the burning lake.
"I'll get to where I need to be," I tell her. "Eventually. Someday, but… I can't do that with you, Ruby. I'm sorry." I push away from the railing. I want to look at her, even just to say goodbye, but I know it would be a step too far.
I walk away.
It's the right choice, I tell myself. For the both of us. I'll be able to focus on what I need to do, and Ruby… she'll find someone she deserves.
Like antiseptic on a wound, Miss Schnee. Intelligent action to resolve a problem.
"Weiss, wait!"
I feel her before I see her. Her hands firmly wrap around my arm, and when I try to pull away, she holds tight.
"Ruby, let me go—!"
"Are you happy?"
I stop, turning. She's crying, been crying, tear tracks glimmering in the setting sun, but it's not sadness that I'm looking at, but a steadiness that roots me to the spot firmer than any hand could.
"Of course not," I say. "I—I never wanted to hurt you."
"I don't mean just now!" she snaps. "You keep saying that you're better. That you're stronger. But are you happier? Has anything you've done actually made you feel better?"
"Ruby, I—"
"Answer the question!"
Something snaps. "No, of course not! I haven't had a friend who wasn't paid to be there for three years, I haven't been able to date anyone who I could touch without feeling like throwing up, and now I have to push away the only girl I've ever loved because—Because I refuse to drag her down with me. So no, Ruby. I'm not happy. Half the time, my life feels like I'm just treading water until it finally ends. But that's the best someone like me can hope for. We don't get to be happy."
Ruby looks down. "…People like us, Weiss."
I shake my head. "Ruby, no. No. You're not—"
"Stop. Stop and just… listen, Weiss." She swallows, and steps forward, tilting her head to meet my eyes. "I kissed you last night. It wasn't just you kissing me, I—I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to t-touch you. I still do."
"R-Ruby." God, when did she get so close? My heart's racing, pounding in my ears loud enough I'm sure she can hear, sure she can feel my burning skin.
"I know you're scared," she continues, heedless. "I'm terrified. I've—I've never felt this way about anyone before. I'm worried that I'll screw something up, say something or do something that hurts you. That—that I what I feel for you isn't the same as what you feel for me. I'm scared for all of that and so much more, but I still—I still want to do this, Weiss. I want to do us, and I don't want my fears, or yours, to stop us."
She pauses for a moment, sucking in a few deep breaths before looking down. "If—if you really don't want to, I'm not going to force you or anything." She starts pulling away. "I just—"
I grab her hands, holding as tight as I can. "You would never."
She looks at me but says nothing. Does nothing but wait for an answer.
I know what I should say. I know what's right, what I came here to say. The choice, such as it is, should be simple. A no, a goodbye, a farewell, an apology. Even with everything Ruby, she'd—she'd get over me, eventually. I wouldn't, but that's my burden to bear.
But what if I said yes?
What if I said yes, and kissed her, here, on the shore of this lake? What if I kissed her again? And again, and again, and again, letting her slip past by barriers, unravel me with every touch?
What if on the nights I wake up in a cold sweat, a pair of arms wrapped around my waist, a soft voice asking what's wrong? And what I told her everything? Not just what happened, but the fear, the despair, the rage?
What if every time I got an A, every time I succeed, and every time I fail, she was there, achingly proud no matter what?
What if…
What if I let her in?
"I—I won't always be able to-to let myself," I say, shakingly. "I'll need space, sometimes. I-I need you to accept that. To listen when I say no."
It's almost like she doesn't hear me at first. Then Ruby's lips curl up. "O-of course! Weiss! I'll—"
I place a finger against her lips, before slowly moving to cup her cheek. "And—and sometimes I'll need you to ignore that. I'll need you to pull me out of my head. Remind me why—why I'm doing this. That what I feel is real, and that it's okay."
"Like today, you mean?"
I smile. "Exactly like today."
"Okay," she says, still smiling. "I can do that. I'll—I'll always be there for you."
"Always?" I ask.
"Always."
It's—it's just a word. Only one word, and not even the one I'm most afraid of, but it fills my chest with light and joy and—and more raw emotion than I thought I could hold.
"Kiss me," I say.
"What?"
"You said you wanted to, right?" Ruby nods, face turning an adorable shade of red (Not that mine's much better). "Well, s-so do I. So."
"We should."
"Yes. We should."
She's still for a moment, hesitant, and for a second, I am too, quiet voices murmuring in the back of my head, but then she places her hands on my shoulders, pops her feet, and kisses me.
Once.
Twice.
Again, and again, the two of us standing in front of a burning lake, the sounds of our heartbeats drowning out the wind.
And for a time, I can pretend all is well.