CHAPTER 46 - HAN'S WISDOM
The two clicks from the landing bay to Han and Leia's suite were the most miserable Luke had ever walked. He turned around but caught himself before he ran back to her and threw it all away. The Jedi Order is bigger than any person.
Half-way to the apartment complex, he stopped at a reflection garden. Abstract sculptures rested in niches nestled between manicured hedges and alien flora. Purple vines wreathed up a trellis. Bright orange blooms poked their stamens at him.
He sat on a marble bench and stared away. Even the flowers are laughing at me. But I know we're going to have more Padawan soon. The pressure is there every time I meditate. I see their faces. So young. We need to be a solid team for them.
He held his head in his hands and allowed the first tear to fall. If we were anyone else, we'd be that team and more. But I'd turn in an instant for her. Right now. I know it. Palpatine wouldn't have to ask twice. I can't let her become a liability.
"Think about your vows." His father's voice assaulted him as the ghost circled him.
"What do you think I'm thinking about, Father? 'Eschewing all attachments …'"
"'Outside the Jedi Order.'"
Luke shook his head. "I never meant this, and my vows were as much of spirit as words, Father. You know that."
When Anakin "sat" beside him and wrapped an arm around his son's shoulder, Luke shrugged him off.
Why her? Why now?
Why not? The bass voice that echoed in his mind held no familiarity. Not his father. Not Vader. Not Naluma. Not Leia. And definitely not Yoda or Obi-Wan.
He hefted his bag and left the haunted garden, hoping to leave his emotional baggage behind.
As he approached their apartment, he sucked up his tears and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. Through the door, Luke heard the shockboxing announcer blaring on the holovid overlayed with Wookiee hoots and chortles.
He was surprised that anyone came to the door but not surprised that it was Threepio.
"Master Luke, welcome. Please come in."
Watching the fights, Han lounged on the couch. Leia sat at the dining table to nurse the baby. He assumed Chewie was in his room, as the raucous Shirywook came from that direction.
"Thanks, Threepio," Luke said with a flat voice and a stony face as he entered the reception lounge. "Not interrupting anything, am I?"
"No, Ben's just a little hungry right now." She adjusted her son in her arms as he nursed. "It's good to see you. Have a seat."
The Jedi Master sat at the table beside his sister. Ben gurgled as he suckled his mother, staring at her with his matching brown eyes.
When Luke thought about how he would never have his own child, he bit his lip to hold back the tears. He almost ran back to the shuttle.
Leia tilted her head at her brother in question. Want to talk about it?
He shook his head and stared down at his hands and pondered his decisions.
Han finally noticed Luke and waved at him from the sofa. "Hey, Kid."
Luke responded half-heartedly and returned the wave. "Hi, Han." He looked at his sister again, striving to get himself into a better mood. "You amaze me, Leia. A senator, a mother, and you even married that nerfherder."
Han threw a pillow at him. "Hey, watch it, kid."
When Luke ducked, the pillow hit Leia's arm. "Children …" she said as she tossed the pillow back to her husband. "Go play over there."
Luke looked at Han, and they both burst out laughing. Then the Jedi kissed the young mother on the forehead before sitting down on the couch next to Han. "Say, Han, is it okay if I crash here for a bit?"
"Sure, kid. What's up? Women trouble?" Han smirked and wiggled his eyebrows.
"Yes," Luke murmured.
"Really? You, kid?" Han asked in unbelief.
"Hey, don't act so surprised," Luke said. "Just have a problem with my Padawan."
"You should have told me, kid," Han teased with a mischievous smile. "I could have gotten you out of—"
"Not that type of problem, Han. Let's just say … hmm … we need some time apart."
I don't know who this is going to be harder on—her or me. Luke stared at the vid, thinking only of her.
The next day while Leia tended to Ben in the nursery, Luke prowled around the kitchen for a bowl and a box of grains. While he poured blue milk into his bowl, Han grabbed the milk out of his hand. "Hey, I wasn't finished with that."
Han tipped the bottle to his mouth and gulped down the rest of it. "What? I was thirsty."
Luke scowled at him as he thrust his spoon into his barely moist cereal and headed to the dining area.
Han grabbed him by the shoulder. "Want to talk about it?"
"The milk?"
"No, you and Naluma."
"Okay." The Jedi swiveled his head around the apartment. "But how about on the terrace?"
"Whatever you want, kid." Han led the way.
After perching on the edge of a rectangular planter, Han asked, "So, how did this fight start?"
"We weren't fighting," Luke said as he looked at his feet, scuffing his boots on the pavers as he sat on a chaise lounge.
With his right arm outstretched to the younger man, Han said, "Look, kid, I know a break-up when I see one."
"Break-up, yes. Fight, no, at least not like that." Luke crossed his arms and lowered his brows.
"Huh." He paced a few meters before asking with a pointed finger, "So, she told you she loved you, didn't she?"
"Worse." Luke looked up at him. "I told her that I loved her." He laughed with derision at himself.
"What's so wrong with that?" Han sat down on the planter again. He pulled Luke's arm, forcing the Jedi to look at Han. "She's an exceptional woman, Luke. I've seen her in action. I saw her take care of you on that mission."
Luke glared back at Han.
"How much do you remember about the accident?"
"Not a lot."
"I saw the last few seconds of your fight. She saved your life and almost got herself killed in the process." Han leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees. "Isn't that what Jedi are supposed to do? Sacrifice themselves for the good of others?"
"Others collectively, not others individually," Luke said, avoiding Han's intense gaze.
"And who made up that rule?"
"I don't know. It's just how the Jedi Order always worked, and the one time someone violated it … well, that's how my father became Vader." Disgust, contempt, and bitterness pierced the air with these words.
"Well, I think it's wrong." Han leaned back and motioned with his arm. "He became Vader not because he loved someone else, but because there was evil in him."
"There is evil in all of us, Han." Luke turned back to his brother-in-law and leaned his head forward. "I've felt it welling up in me. The draw to the dark side is a perpetual temptation."
"Yeah, we all feel it some days, Luke, and most of us get over it." Han tilted his head in his typical nonchalance. "None us are perfect."
The Jedi Master walked away from his friend. As he stared out across the skyline of Capital City, he said with his hands on his hips, "But now, it's not just whether I will give in and turn to the dark side, but will I lead Naluma down the same path, too?"
He turned to Han, reaching his left hand toward the man on the planter. "Han, I never want to put her to that choice. I never want to see her go that direction. And if the monastic life is the only way we can make sure that doesn't happen, then so be it." Luke clenched his fist and turned his back, ashamed of his desires, wanting so much for things to be different.
Han looked at him carefully and thought about the problem for a moment. Walking toward Luke a few steps, he said, "So, you say the Jedi have this non-attachment mandate among their warriors … but isn't this Force-sensitivity handed down genetically? I mean, you have it, your father had it, Leia has it, and now she tells me Ben has it. He sure didn't get it from my side of the family. So, isn't it counterproductive to the Jedi Order to forbid marriage? I mean, how will the Jedi rebuild without fresh blood?"
Luke sometimes forgot that Han actually knew more about life than hauling freight and outrunning authorities. He was actually making more sense than his father. It was not that Luke did not think his father was wrong. He just was not sure that he could trust Anakin or his motives. "That's something to think about." Luke sighed.
"You do that." Han crossed to the plastiglass slider. "And, Luke, don't take too long to make up your mind. Love like this doesn't come around every day." He paused at the doorway and pointed at the Jedi. "One other thing, this is supposed to be the New Jedi Order. Maybe it's time to change the rules." Han exited, closing the slider behind him, leaving Luke to ponder the alternatives.
Luke returned to the chaise lounge and finished his grains as he mulled over everything Han had said. The Jedi Master was tempted to call the legion of Force-ghosts for advice, but he already knew what each thought. He hoped the ghosts would not appear as he worked this problem out for himself. Han was right about one thing—this is the New Jedi Order. It's my responsibility and no one else's.
The younger man moved to the cold, hard stone of the terrace deck, beginning his meditation exercises. He would not seek advice from biased ghosts or friends, only guidance from the Force. But if all of the Jedi Masters except Father stood firm on the vow of separation, how could Luke modify it to anything else?
He inhaled a cleansing breath and reached out to the Force, sending the question. As the tendrils moved in and around him, they swirled to form and image in his mind. A woman stood in front of him, one he did not recognize. She had the warmest smile and brown hair in two twisted buns, similar to the way Leia wore her hair years ago. Luke felt like he should know this woman. She stood much shorter than Luke. No, Luke realized, I'm taller.
Although he could not hear her words, he could see the joy on her face as she spoke. Her eyebrows rose and her eyes widened as her smile bathed him in its radiance. The slender earrings swung from her ears as she said three words. Luke knew those three words had to do with him.
He reached out with the Force, trying to make sense of the vision, trying to read her thoughts, trying to know who this mysterious woman was. She held the answer. If only he could hear her. But the vision was gone.