You don't manage to find time to call Ryouta. Every time you look at your phone, it feels like your hands grow ten times heavier. Uncertainty sits on your tongue. What would you say?

'Hey, bro, I managed to alienate one of my three friends, and I don't know how it happened?'

'Ryouta, how do you manage to talk to everyone without pissing them off - oh. Lying? Of course.'

Kagami still won't talk to you. Even Kuroko's blank face draws tighter with every day that passes.

The game is coming up.

You let Kagami stew. You tried to figure out what you'd done wrong, but if he's not going to talk to you, then he's not going to talk to you. It's fine.

(You ignore the concerned glances of your team. Ignore the heavyweight in your gut, a tension that winds tighter and tighter, like a spring. Will this be the moment when Kagami forces the team to choose?

Between Kagami and you, who would they pick?

You know the answer to that)

So. Things are tense.

Fortunately, a terrible thought occurs to you the night before the game: Satsuki's going to be there.

There's no way she'd miss it. A chance to gather information on two of her former teammates and people she'll face in the future? She'd be on that if she had to drag Aomine behind her kicking and screaming.

Satsuki is smarter than pretty much everyone - even Akashi - when it comes to actual emotions and reading people.

Would she be able to read your... unfortunate situation on your face?

Cold spreads through your gut. You press your hands into the desk in front of you, feel the grain of the wood underneath your fingertips. It's the same nausea when you figured out your stupid crush overtakes you again. Your heart shivers like a struck bell. Your body doesn't know what to do with itself.

"Stop," You tell your body.

It doesn't.

For the first time in this life, you don't feel the excruciating control you were born with.

Your cheeks feel hot.

"Fuck," You say, and cover your face.

The next day dawns the same as every other day. It's even nice out, and the sky is a cheerful, offensive blue. Exhaustion sits on your back like a boulder. You drag your feet out to school and onto the bus.

Kagami catches your eye when you step up, glowers at you, and turns away. A deliberate snub.

You rub your face and go to sit by Kiyoshi instead. He seems like the only person who's happy to see you in the first place.

He pats you on the shoulder with a sympathetic smile. "He'll get over it."

You shrug, and Kiyoshi leaves you alone with a sympathetic smile.

No one else tries to talk to you.

No one even looks at you.

Words feel like they'd tangle up in your mouth right now. You're sinking down and down and down again, and it's like you'll never stop falling. Can't hit rock bottom, when the pit inside you is bottomless.

If he does, you want to say to Kiyoshi; it doesn't matter. This is what I knew would happen in the end. TThe team is picking sides. Don't you see how no one will talk to me? Even Aida and Hyuuga haven't said a word. Even Kuroko -

The only surprise is how fast it happened.

Between me and him, who the hell would pick me?

The best you can hope for is -

You don't know.

Hope is beyond you.

You tip your head back against the glass behind you and close your eyes.

No one speaks to you for the entire two hours.

It's fine.

After the bubble of silence surrounding you on the bus, the noise of the stadium hits like a brick wall. You trail after the team, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of noise. The hair on the back of your neck rises when a pair of eyes focus on you enough to drag you out of your spiraling thoughts.

You glance over your shoulder, searching.

There.

You lock eyes with a - a girl? A tiny girl. She's barely seven if she's a day, and the twin pigtails make her look even younger.

Her eyes are wide, but not with fear. You've never seen brown eyes sparkle like that, but she manages to outshine the whole damn stadium. It's a little blinding to look at. You watch, frozen, as the little girl tugs on the arm of the woman she's with, points excitedly at you, receives an indulgent nod, and the little girl jumps and

moves

towards

you.

Why is this tiny child looking at you? Why is she getting closer? Why is her mother just letting her walk up to someone as irresponsible, as dangerous as you?

She gets closer.

Your feet remain frozen to the ground - the second time your body refuses to obey you.

It's too late.

The girl beams up at you. "HI! I'm Nojiko; I'm seven years old."

"...hey," You say.

"You're my favorite player!"

...does not compute.

Rebooting.

You reach for some reply that isn't 'are you a moron?' Terrible as your personality is, you don't go around making children cry for funsies. Aida might actually kill you if you do.

The girl doesn't seem to mind your mental hiccup. She's chattering on about the last game she saw, against the giant blue man - Aomine? - and how worried she was when you collapsed at the end. Were you sick?

"No," You say. "I was just tired. Aomine is pretty difficult to play."

She beams up at you.

Slowly, you kneel, so you're on the same eye level. That seems, right? You really, really don't know much about kids. "You like... basketball?" You ask, more like a desperate grasp for a topic that won't end in tears.

The girl brightens even further. "Yeah!"

Fortunately, she doesn't need more prompting to go off on a tangent on how her big sister and uncle used to play pick up games in the park, and how uncle Kenji would let her sit on his shoulders and dunk the ball, and how cool it was to be that tall. She's going to be at least seven feet when she gets older, she insists to you.

All you have to do is make the appropriate noises - and it continues to work. The kid doesn't cry all over you, like the kids in your kindergarten used to do. Instead, she seems to soak up attention like a sponge.

(What would your little sibling be like? Would the be like this girl? Happy and loved and excited about living. Would they have eyes like you - dead and halfway gone already.

Which would be better?

If the kid was like you, you wouldn't be alone anymore. If the kid wasn't like you, they'd be happy.)

"Why am I your favorite?" You ask. Kids usually favor Ryouta, especially young girls. It's the sparkles.

"You're a girl! I didn't know that girls could play basketball with boys," She says. She tugs on your Seirin jersey with ill-disguised glee. "No one ever wants to watch the girl matches, so there' never on tv. It's super annoying!"

She beams up at you.

You don't know what to say. It's not something you ever thought about - how other people would see on your deal with Kuroko. This body is a way of moving from place to place - there's nothing worth caring about in it.

Only, now, you're starting to realize just how stuck you are inside it. People see you. People remember you when you're not in the room. You exist on a physical level.

It's...

You don't have a name for the emotion. Terrifying? Hopeful? Too strong for words, and to strange to think about for long. You shove the thought back into your head where it belongs.

"Do you want to play basketball?" You ask.

Her face goes red, and she ducks her head down. "...Do you think I can? Play basketball like you when I get bigger?"

Like you?

God, you hope not.

"I'm probably not the best role model," You say. "Why not be like my coach?"

The girl shakes her head so hard her pigtails get in her face. "No! I don't want to coach, and I want to play! I want to play with the boys because that's where all the fun is."

"Well," You say. "If you think you can do it, then I think you can do it."

"Really?"

You nod.

"My dad said that girls couldn't play with boys because boys are too strong to play with girls. He said that they can't ever be strong enough to play."

"Fuck your dad."

The girl's eyes go wide.

Ah. Maybe not the best thing to say to a kid?

Please don't start crying.

The girl tugs on your sleeve. "You said a bad word."

You eye her, wary — no signs of tears.

"Yeah," You say. "Listen. Don't let your dad tell you what to do with your life. The only way to make sure you're happy in the future is to figure out what you want and go get it."

She bounces on her heels. "You think I can do it?"

You stare her dead in the eye. "Kid, it's not up to me. It's up to you."

The girl tilts her head and nods solemnly. "I'm going to be a basketball player, then. I'm going to be better than you! The best in the world!"

You offer her your fist, equally solemn. "I'm looking forward to it."

The girl smiles at you almost as bright as Ryouta's. She taps her fist against yours.

The older woman comes to collect the girl shortly after that, and the girl goes after she gets your signature on a small pink notepad. You gave her a short wave when she glances back, feeling some sort of way. There's a strange tightness in your throat. A bad taste lingers in the back of your mouth.

It feels like you told a lie.

How could anyone let a child admire something like you? The very thought of it is awful. There's nothing about you that should carry into the future generation. You want to scrape your image out of that girl's brain and replace it with something worth idolizing.

Aida is the best choice.

"Looks like someone has a fan," Momoi's voice says from behind you.

And you - jump.

You fucking jump. Your heart leaps up into your throat and sits there, like a rabbit bolting to its burrow. It takes you a second to clear your throat before you respond. "Satsuki."

You turn to find her staring at you with her sunrise colored eyes. There's a soft smile on her face. In the stadium lights, her hair seemed to glow. There's a tiny smile on her face, with humor tucked up into the corners. Her skin is the same flawless cream, and her make up is impeccable as always.

She's not any prettier than the last time you saw her. She's almost the same. It's the same uniform, the same smile, the same sort of casual beauty.

The only thing that's changed is you. Little things you categorized and filed away stick in your head, and you can't get them out.

"Hana-chan," She said. "How are you doing?"

Right. The last time you and Momoi talked, you were incredibly drunk and fucked up about your new little sibling.

"Fine," You say. It's not a lie, for the most part.

You can deal with the Kagami situation.

It's fine.

(Or - you were expecting it, which is almost the same thing.)

She studies you with keen eyes, then smiles. "Good. I'm glad." Momoi leans into your side. "Where's your team? I haven't seen Kuroko-kun in so long, and it seems like he's avoiding me."

Her hair trails across your bare arm, raising goosebumps after it.

Stop. It. You tell your brain, your heart, your stupid body.

It doesn't listen.

Of course. The one time you need your iron control, it deserts you.

You shove your hands into your pockets to stop them from doing something stupid like running them over Satsuki's bare arm to see if it does feel like raw silk. "Kuroko's just worried you'll figure out his tricks if he gives you a chance to look at him before the game. Plus, he doesn't like hanging around me anyway."

Satsuki gives you a look. "He's your shadow, Hana-chan."

"So?"

"So Kuroko-kun's too stubborn to play with someone he doesn't like for this long."

You shrug. "People will do a lot of things to win."

Or for revenge. Kuroko is using you to knock his friends down from their pedestals. You were just convenient for him. Where else was he going to get an Akashi-guaranteed talent he could pressure into playing with him?

She smacks your shoulder gently, and your heart jumps again.

"What?" You say.

Satsuki sighs, exasperation on her face. "Akashi-kun would put up with you to win, but that's not in Kuroko's nature. Don't you remember how it went with Haizaki?"

You tilt your head. "No."

She blinks. "Oh, that's right. You weren't actually on the team. Well - there was a whole thing with Haizaki and Kise-kun. Kuroko-kun wanted Haizaki to stop bothering Ki-kun so much, but you know how Haisaki was. There was no way he was going to let Ki-kun off while he was on the court."

Ugh, Haizaki. You barely remember his face, but his attitude stuck in your memory like a thorn into your skin.

Satsuki sighs wistfully. "My, Kuroko-kun was gallant that day. He and Akashi-kun put Haizaki in his place."

The dreamy tone in her voice stabs into your heart like an icicle, cold, and sharp.

Right.

Satsuki is in love with Kuroko.

"Kuroko's good at that," you say.

It's a relief, honestly. You don't have to worry about this stupid infatuation because you were never in the running in the first place. Kuroko is infinitely better for Satsuki because he'is an entire person. Unlike you.

You barely count as alive on your good days.

Satsuki is better off not dealing with your issues. Everyone is. You tell yourself this, while your heart sinks lower and lower in your chest. Karou and Nijimura, at least, get paid for their trouble.

(What is so good about Kuroko that makes people love him? Kagami, Satsuki, Ryouta -

You're zero for three in this one-sided competition. Is that the true power of the main character? The ability to win the love of the people around him? The power to triumph against his opponents? Are you still Kuroko's enemy in the eyes of the narrative?

...No. You know why.

Kuroko is a good person. You're not.

That's all there is to it.)

There's no illusion about your place in this story. The villainous teammate to be proven wrong is an old trope, and you fit it like a glove. The only difference between you and Haizaki, plot-wise, is that you are more talented - the dragon to Haizaki's miniboss. When Kuroko defeats the Generation of Miracles, you'll stop mattering. "Friendship" will save the day again.

No more need for a light Kuroko didn't even like. Kagami might also be better than you at basketball by then.

The worst part of all this is you can't even hate Kuroko anymore. Kuroko is trying to be a better shadow; He's been, if not friendly, at least neutral the past few weeks - it's the most anyone has done for your sake in years.

"Hana-chan, are you alright?"

Satsuki's soft voice breaks through your spiraling thoughts. A soft hand grasps your calloused one. When you breathe in, you smell something sweet and floral.

Her eyes are soft with concern. "You're pale. Are you feeling alright?"

If you were a good person, you'd push her away before the black in you has a chance to seep out of your head and sink its claws into her. If you were a decent person, you'd stop trying to ape the ability to be friends with anyone. If you had even the shred of humanity, you'd tell her the truth about how hollow you are on the inside. No matter how much Satsuki puts in, nothing will come back out.

But.

You're a selfish bitch, and you want this.

(Just this much should be fine, right? Being her friend shouldn't hurt anyone. Satsuki is the kind of person who could see if someone is bad news. She could take care of herself.)

Satsuki steps closer and presses her hand to your forehead. "You don't have a fever. Don't push yourself so much. You were just in the hospital a few weeks ago."

You swallow. Satsuki's hand feels like a brand on your skin.

How much is too much? How close is too close? Your feel your hands flex with the need to reach out and touch, but you don't know if that would be alright. You lost more than you thought to the dark.

Her hair smells sweet. You feel dizzy.

"I'm fine," You say, and you don't move away. Can't make yourself move away.

Your body is rooted to the spot.

Satsuki smiles. "You always say that, Hana-chan."

"It's always true," You lie.

"Uh-huh," She takes her hand away from your forehead. She tucks her arm around yours like a western debutante at a ball, before you have a chance to feel the loss. "Let's go find your team, alright? I'll escort you, so you don't get in trouble."

"How generous," You say.

She sniffs, mockingly snooty. "I am a very nice girl. Everyone tells me so."

You shake your head. "Well, we can't have me make a liar out of everyone."

Satsuki laughs.

You catch a flash of gold out of the corner of your eye. Your head snaps around, and you pick Ryouta's figure in the crowd.

He's not looking at you. You follow his gaze down to where Satsuki has her arm linked around yours. Ryouta looks up and meets your eyes. He raises one eyebrow - a move you know he's practiced.

We, his eyes convey, are going to talk.

Ugh.

Satsuki drops you back at your team with a sunny smile, and eyes that miss nothing. You notice the way her gaze flickered over the group before settling on Kagami's scowling face.

"Kagamin will take care of Hana-chan, won't he?" Satsuki says in her sweetest voice.

Kagami's scowl falters before coming back with a vengeance. You're mildly impressed. Most guys would have just agreed without thinking about it. Satsuki just had that sort of effect on guys.

...Are you going to be that stupid around her? God, you hope not. She's beautiful, but it'd make being her friend complicated. So far, it's just your body that's ignoring your orders. If your brain starts, it's going to be annoying.

Satsuki doesn't give Kagami a chance to smile. "I'll see you after the game, Hana-chan," Satsuki says with a much gentler tone. "Don't collapse again. Don't push yourself too hard. Don't give Muchin too hard of a time."

You roll your eyes. "Yes, mother."

You collapse one time, and no one lets you live it down. Seriously, didn't Satsuki have better things to do? Aomines' to keep from out of trouble?

Satsuki sighs and lets go of your arm. "I better go make sure that Dai-chan isn't getting in any trouble. Have a good game, Hana-chan!"

She shoots a blinding smile at the rest of the team and departs, leaving dumb struck teenage boys in her wake.

"Huh," Aida says, staring after Satsuki. She glances at you. "Didn't see that coming."

You narrow your eyes. "What?"

Aida shakes her head. "Whatever. Not my problem unless it starts affecting your playing. It won't affect your playing, will it Hana?"

That sure sounds like a threat.

"No." You say.

You don't know if it's a lie or not.

Aida punches your shoulder. "Let's get ready. The game is going to start soon."

Right.

Murasakibara, ugh.

Guess who wrote this instead of a term paper.

Finals are coming up, so once more until the breach.