Scribble 41: Written in Sand
Dear diary, when I began my scribbling in this book I didn't think it would become a full diary, but now there's only a couple of pages left in it. When I look back to the first pages I wrote I realise that I have come a long way since I first set my foot on Tatooine with little Luke. I was so full of sorrow and regret that it almost paralysed me.
It still does, but not quite as often.
Luke is doing well with his uncle and aunt. I cannot visit, for the safety of everyone, but sometimes I check on them from a distance. I'm really becoming an old hermit. I have met other survivors and that was a great relief. Even though I don't meet them frequently I know they're out there somewhere.
And I'm part of a rebellion to be. We cannot let the Sith, the Emperor, win and the darkness engulf the galaxy. We have to fight, one way or another.
Young Ahsoka has already begun working. We heard rumours of a group of young Force sensitives on a remote planet and she's off to investigate the rumours now. I gave her the code name 'Fulcrum' since I have a strong feeling that she will be the one who binds the fractions of this entire project together.
I will continue my studies with Qui-Gon. It's a great relief that he's here, even though it's in the form of a Force Ghost. Through my years as a young Master for Anakin I really missed his advice and experience.
As for myself… I sometimes wonder how it got to this. I wonder how much of it is a result of my mistakes and wrong judgements? Could I have done something more to save Qui-Gon's life that fateful day in Theed? Should I have rejected his last wish and not trained Anakin? Should I have trained Anakin differently or let a more experienced Master take him as his Padawan? There are so many questions left and so few answers. Sometimes I feel like this entire disaster is my fault alone and that everything I ever did, every decision I ever made lead us to this. I hope it's not true. I really, really hope it is not. And yet, how could I know? How could I ever know for certain?
All I ever wanted was to become the best Jedi I could be, and where am I now? Alone on desolated spot on the verge of wild space. The Jedi Order as such is gone and whatever happens, I doubt we will be able to rebuild it - at least not the way it was. There's too few of us left. I have learned the hard way that one should never, ever give up and I will not. There's always hope, there has to be. If there's one thing we have to cling to, it's 'hope'.
I'm not sure if my own story is ending here. There was a time when I was certain of it, now I'm not. I will store this book (and the new, empty ones) in a hidden place in this hut. Maybe Luke will find them some day when I'm gone and learn about the past. After all the presence is a result of the past, of doings and wrongdoings, of decisions and misunderstandings, and if not anything else we may learn from the past.
I may be wrong, but I will keep writing, if nothing else so at least to keep my own sanity through the years to come. It may very well be that nobody will ever find my scribblings, lest read it.
It might be for the best if my lifes' story is written in sand.