A/N: The rating changed on Ao3 in this chapter from M to E. For the purposes of , it's been edited back to M.
Warning: there's some intense discussion of Merle's past, both with his wife and growing up. He recalls and relates to Carol about an experience he considers dub-con. If that might bother you, skip the Merle POV that follows Carol telling him she's not a college girl out to have sex on all the flat surfaces in the house. Carol's POV after fills in the gaps with less detail.
November 13, 2010
~*~ CP ~*~
Carol shifts the baby on her hip as she steps into the hospital ward of the infirmary. It's really earlier than she wanted to wake anyone, but Christian's fussy, and the boy's had too much upheaval not to cater to him a bit.
But apparently she didn't need to worry about waking some of them. Honey's up and emerging from the bathroom in running gear, yawning, and everyone else is in various stages of wakefulness too. So, she passes the excited baby to his mamas, who drop back to their narrow, shared hospital bed to cuddle him. Merle kisses her in passing, a brief, chaste thing, obviously intent on the tiny room Honey just vacated.
"You're going to join the run this morning?" Carol asks, not really surprised that a broken arm isn't slowing Honey down. Scout leads runs six days a week around the property, and every supply team member is required to run fifteen miles a week, plus PT five days a week. Most have worked their way up to the same pace and length Scout and Shane run at most days, three miles, although Carol's not quite there yet. Today's the longer day, which Carol uses as an off day, because if three miles is a bit much, ten's just not happening.
"Yeah. Don't need the arm for running. Don't worry. I'll skip the pushups when we get to PT." She grins and kisses Carol's cheek as she crams things in her bag. She waves at her fellow patients. "I'll see y'all at breakfast."
Rosita frowns a bit as she watches her go. "You do military PT here?"
"To an extent, yes. Most of these people were like me at the beginning, slow, no skills that worked in a rough and physical world. So, one of our Marines who has a sports training background modified a few of the routines Marines use to past their fitness tests for different ability levels." Carol looks her over as she unloads a backpack from the wagon and hands it to her. "Don't think you'll have any problems fitting into the higher levels I'm still working up to. The bag's sort of our 'welcome' package. Toiletries, two complete changes of clothes, a notebook that gives you community guidelines and covers anything I might miss in our little orientation."
She hands Eugene's off to him before continuing. "Normally, you'd get three or four days to rest and adjust before cycling into a work roster of some sort, but due to your injuries, you can take a week if you need, and Eugene, you're limited until you get medical clearance." He looks apprehensive, but has his notebook out and reading already. It doesn't surprise her, as he seems to be the type to need to absorb information as quickly as possible.
"And Abraham?" Rosita asks.
Merle's out of the bathroom now and answers. "Abraham will still get a few rest days. Coming off the road's a hell of its own kind and the mind's gotta try to adjust to not being on constant alert. Main difference between him and you two is that neither of you are required to have a babysitter. We're short on shrinks to help him deal with whatever PTSD he's got going, but it'll be up to Scout how fast he gets complete freedom of the place."
"That's the staff sergeant, right?"
"She doesn't fall back on the rank much anymore, but yeah. Anything security goes through her and Shane."
Carol smiles at Eugene, who isn't speaking yet. "You look worried."
"I am uncertain what I have to offer to your community."
"Well, we have a couple of questions we ask for newcomers. First one is, 'what did you do before?' Second one is 'do you want to keep doing that?' if it's possible. If the second's impossible or the answer's no, then you pick something to learn. I've got cops who asked to retire to simpler duties and an ex-pizza delivery boy leading a combo of supply teams."
"Got a mechanic?" Rosita looks intrigued.
"One who does it full time, a few who help out. He'd certainly enjoy a full-time coworker, if that's what you like, or you can do a mixed shift if you did want to join a supply team or one of the other crews. Merle's always happy to take on another set of hands on the building crew, even if it's just a day here and there."
"What'd you do, Eugene?" Merle asks.
"I was a science teacher."
Carol smiles warmly and the man responds with a weak return smile. "What grade level?"
"High school."
"Well, we don't make the older teens attend classes, but you're welcome to join the teaching staff for the elementary kids, or see if there's areas your training can be put to use on other needs in the community. One of our supply team leaders was a third-grade teacher before, but she wanted to do something more active. You could even just put in a day a week teaching and not commit full time, if you like."
"You're pretty good at cobbling things together and coming up with unique solutions," Rosita ventures. "They got power and water and all sorts of things here that could probably use someone who understands electronics and engineering."
"There's no need to decide today, either. Relax, explore, figure out a niche. And if the first one doesn't work, come to me and we'll figure a new one out. About the only thing you wouldn't be eligible to do, even with medical clearance, is the supply runs." Carol makes sure her smile is kind as he doesn't quite meet her eyes. "You'll need to join in some of the fitness programs, and to be baldly honest, I'd estimate three to six months at a steady training pace before Scout would let you out."
"I would not like to endanger anyone on the outside by being inept and overweight."
"I understand. I don't do runs myself yet, but I'm getting there."
Merle scoffs. "Only because you're too busy learning absolutely everything to spend a lot of time working out."
She just laughs, but either her comparison to her own developing fitness or Merle's joke about her learning everything seems to ease Eugene's tension a bit. "How about we let you two get some clothes on instead of those scrubs you were given at your checkups last night, then I'll take you to find Abraham and breakfast?"
"Gonna go join the first half of the run," Merle tells her with a kiss.
She can't resist. "Getting too old for the full thing?"
"It's ten damned miles, woman. Ten miles ain't happening at five a.m." But he laughs as he heads for the door, leaving her with her newest charges, alone more or less since Tara, Cricket, and Christian are sound asleep despite the conversation in the room.
"They run ten miles?" The astonished question comes from Rosita and not Eugene.
"On Saturdays, yes. Although to be honest, I think there's only about half a dozen people who do the full ten. Most people drop out about halfway, like Merle's planning to do. And I'm still working on the three-mile goal I set myself, so I take today as my off day for running." She's proud of her two-mile runs, even if Sophia's surpassed her to the full three now.
"And the PT?"
"Half an hour, at least five days a week, regardless of whether or not you're a supply runner, within medical clearances. We don't have the luxury of surgeons anymore, so fitness is a priority." Eugene looks disheartened, and Carol can understand. She simply had to deal with being out of shape, not overweight, but some of the others have had to shed pounds too. She takes a seat next to him on his hospital bed, which gets her his attention. "When we get you clear of medical, pick someone you'd feel comfortable working out with and skip the group PT for a while."
He mulls that over and nods, then rises with his backpack and heads for the bathroom. She looks to Rosita, who shrugs. "We didn't do him any favors keeping him protected, did we?"
Carol shakes her head. "Not really. I've heard stories, from Scout's group she collected along the road from Jacksonville, and it was hard at first for them to adapt and change, but those folks are the ones you'd never guess started out the apocalypse without any survival skills at all." She points to the one private exam area. "You can change there if you like. I'm sure you're as anxious to see Abraham as he is to get out of his house arrest situation."
Rosita gives her a grateful smile on the way.
~*~ MD ~*~
By the time Merle's put in his miles and showered, Carol's had their newbies at breakfast long enough to finish and just be sitting observing. It's not a bad process to acclimatize, the people watching, and Carol's natural calming effect seems to work even on the still uneasy Abraham.
"Good morning again," he says, accepting a kiss as he sorts out just what ended up in the two bowls Glynnis handed him, shrugging at the quinoa that the dietician gal works into eggs along with a veggie or two for breakfast bowls. The other's yogurt with fruit and granola, which he's not fond of, but he's also about to spend the whole day putting in fence and posts, so might as well eat what he's given. Carol slides his water bottle in front of him as she usually does, while sipping her own apple juice. He gets several bites underway before bothering to greet their table guests.
"You skipping PT today?" she asks, noticing he arrived about twenty minutes earlier than he normally would.
"Putting in more fencing on the horse farm today, so figure gonna get enough of a workout then. Ain't like the supply runs of hurry up and wait."
"You're fencing more land in? How much is here?" Rosita asks. He suspects she'll be the spokesperson for the trio for a while, both by personality and the fact that Abraham still looks more than a little shell shocked.
"Got sixty-three acres under the secure section. Another forty on the farm part, where you were driven through yesterday. Secure from walkers, maybe not so much if human assholes come along. Horse farm's the newest part. Got it fenced with a stash of high security mesh bound for a new prison and closed us in another forty acres or so."
"And there are animals? Your daughter mentioned it while playing that sheep game last night. Something about her brother planning enough sheep to turn the place into New Zealand. Carol showed us a small flock in an electric pen on the way here." Eugene looks curious, and Merle's glad to see he absorbed something out of Honey's chatter.
"The animals are part of why we had to bring in the extra forty acres. We had space for what I already had here, mostly the sheep, and on the vegetable farm for their pigs. But they've been snatching up every loose farm critter like a modern day Noah's Ark, so we needed more pastures. New place wasn't meant for more than a bunch of pretty horses on existing fencing, so we've been taking a couple days here and there off building to circle in another pasture. Man that found you three? He's a magnet for the weirder critters."
Carol laughs. "So far he's discovered a still thriving rabbit farm, multiple cats, a dozen emu, two llamas, and an illegal deer farm that actually hadn't been overrun yet."
"Illegal deer farm?" Rosita looks apprehensive. Merle doesn't blame her.
"State of Georgia licenses raising non-native deer as livestock, but can't do paid hunts. From the looks of the place, Daryl did a bunch of cussing they didn't get caught and shut down before. They were healthy and safe because of the fencing for the hunts, so we now have thirty fallow deer sharing acreage with about twelve cattle." They'd only found ten cattle left on Hershel's farm, hopefully due to the damn things wandering off and not being eaten by walkers, plus four horses.
"You'll be raising and eating the deer?" Eugene asks.
"That seems to be our youngest boy and our veterinarian's current plan, so time will tell." He turns to Carol. "Give Honey the day to play tour guide. She can probably run the tractor and post driver with the cast, but might as well have a break."
"Farm's winding down on needing a lot of hands, so take Jimmy, Michaela, and Nicole today. Michaela can manage the tractor if Jimmy can't."
He nods and she makes note in her ever-present notebook, which draws the trio's attention.
"Y'all had time to read your little guidebooks yet?" Eugene nods, but the other two shake their heads, so he explains the work credits with Carol, which leads him to finishing his meal and stacking the bowls just as Honey plops down beside him, freshly showered and too damn hyperactive for someone who just ran the same five miles he did plus PT with Jamie.
"One of these days, I'm gonna find your batteries, girl," he tells her and she just bops him with her spoon before delving into the same concoction he ate earlier. "You up for tour guide today?" He glances to Abraham, who flinches a little when Honey shifts the casted arm beside her bowl and stares at the redhead.
"Could. You got a sub for me?" He nods and she keeps staring at Abraham. He thinks she likes him squirming, and it is a little odd, watching such a big guy wilt under the stare of a teenager. But guilt is a powerful motivator, and while he's making a huge gamble on his daughter playing tour guide to the group, he also knows Scout's planning on being the man's shadow today rather than enjoying her day off. "I'm guessing none of you can ride horses?"
Eugene looks a little terrified, Abraham apprehensive, and Rosita excited. The woman obviously understands her companions though, because she sighs. "Maybe another time without the boys?"
Honey laughs. "You like riding horses and Beth will love you forever if you help her out on the days no one needs 'em. They got homebases yet, Mom?"
The casual use of 'mom' toward Carol makes her glow with pleasure as always. She shakes her head though. "Haven't assigned quarters yet."
"Let me guess. You're gonna need one couple and one single." The single is an astute hint to Carol from the young woman, because things are crowded enough now that some of the younger crowd have roommates.
He looks between Abraham and Rosita to see if Honey's assessment is correct and after a moment, the big man nods. It causes an odd look to flit over Rosita's face, and Merle suspects it was the hesitation.
"Well, all things considered, I'll assign Rosita a unit and she can choose solo for the duration of your nighttime confinement to the RV or share the RV with you," Carol says. Abraham stiffens at the reminder that he's on indefinite house arrest at night. The folks who took a guard shift made sure he knew they were there. Merle's willing to give the man some leeway, because he understands PTSD and what this hellhole of a world can take from you, but his people don't go as casually and heavily armed in Homestead as they did in the camps outside the property. It was partly luck that Tara's taser got knocked off her belt for Honey to deploy yesterday, and he reminds himself to tell Shane to issue her one of her own.
Carol consults her book. "Give her number three in Sagittarius, next to Alaina and her granddaughter." She glances up to Rosita. "That'll put you one building over from your new guide, if you need anything. Would you mind being in another building from the other two, Eugene? My single openings are further down, but I think I can swing you one without a roommate since we just had two pairs move into couples units. The closer one doesn't have a private bath or any kitchen facility, but there's another one that does several buildings down."
"I will accept whatever accommodations are necessary, ma'am, but I truly would prefer bathroom facilities that aren't shared."
Merle reaches over and taps the other empty couples unit in the building she just assigned to Rosita. She arches a brow, before he moves a finger next to the empty unit she was about to assign and sees Andrea's name. He sees her understand that bad combination of the awkward man and the often brusque ex-lawyer. They can always switch out the dorm style beds if they run out of couples space, and Eugene could probably use the space. And he suspects Honey will be acting as Eugene's guide far longer than the other two.
"On the other hand, we'll do a different shuffle." Carol smiles. "Show Eugene to number one in Sagittarius."
"Will do." She finishes her food and snags all the dishes with efficiency, made easy by everyone using bowls. Rosita starts to help and gets waved off. Honey trots over and pesters her roommate for a minute before returning.
"I'm gonna go gear up since we'll be going remote if they get the full tour," she tells Merle.
"Alright. Firearms, not air rifle."
She nods and heads off.
Merle levels his gaze at Abraham, who takes the warning with a nod of acceptance. Yesterday was a fluke because no one wanted to hurt the man.
He doesn't think his daughter will make that mistake again.
~*~ MD ~*~
Merle pulls Carol close, nuzzling her throat with small nips of his teeth. She shocked him at supper by leaning over and whispering in his ear that the flowing skirt she is wearing is hiding a lack of panties.
That's what's led to him feeling like a damn teenager as he shuts the deck door behind him and walks her backward toward the bed. He hasn't tested the claim yet and tamps hard on his urgency. Two can tease.
chapter gap
~*~ CP ~*~
He kisses her bare shoulder. His voice is so hoarse she can barely make out the "love you" he says against her skin. He runs a hand across her skin, gently exploring like he always does after making love. There's a quality to the touch, to the way he needs to keep in contact after, that makes her think it's one of those issues like her need to see him during sex.
She realizes they've never had anything along the lines of a quickie that other women share about. Even Jacqui's quipped about Jim. But Merle never seeks anything unless he's got time to lie relaxed against her afterward.
"You're thinking mighty hard."
She rolls to her back and smiles at him, wondering of this is a pandora's box issue or just a quirk of preference.
"Just lost in thought."
He looks thoughtful, but lets it slide in favor of getting them under the covers after a trip to the bathroom for a warm washcloth to run across their skin and donning minimal nightclothes.
"What's worrying you?" he asks softly.
"That we might still be hiding from our pasts." She slides her hand firmly across his abs and opens her pandora's box. "Not being able to see you. It's not as terrible as your imagination might go. After Sophia, after having a girl instead of the son he wanted, he lost interest except when he occasionally decided a real man had a son to carry on his name."
She raises her arm and laughs a little. "It's funny how he never once paid enough attention to know how impossible I made that for him."
Merle reaches up to run his fingers across the bump of the implant. He never focuses on it when he explores her skin, but he would never have missed it or its predecessors for years.
"Ed was a monster in a lot of ways, but in the bedroom, just unimaginative and self-centered. I need... like... to see you because it amplifies everything I feel when you react to it."
"And tonight?"
"Hearing you react is almost better than seeing it."
He grins and she kisses him, enjoying the groan she draws out of him.
"That all that's on your mind?"
Time to find out if her worry is as insubstantial as his. "We've never just had a quickie."
And it's not.
He's struggling with a reply and starts and stops before rolling to his back. But he reaches out to pull her to him and when he's got her in his arms but rolled to his chest, he finally speaks.
"I loved my ex-wife. And I think she probably had as much affection for me as she was capable of feeling, at least in the early years. Didn't really expect the deal she made me to last any longer than my first enlistment. Figured I'd end up with Daryl and that was enough.
"My daddy was the monster Ed wasn't. Pretty sure from the fights they had when Mama was pregnant with Daryl that he wasn't her only me, just the only one that survived the beatings. He didn't want a wife or kids, just got stuck with her and me cos he was a fucking pervert who got a fourteen-year-old girl pregnant."
She hugs him tighter, wishing she could see his face but understanding his need to let this out into the quiet of their dark bedroom and not face-to-face.
"Wasn't even illegal. Age of consent was fourteen, so her daddy just married her off and washed his hands of it so he could sit in church each week and call his conscience clear. So, I went into being married without a clue that routine sex twice a week like clockwork wasn't exactly the norm either. Buddies in the service who were married bitched about getting laid once a month if they were lucky, so I figured I had it made."
He shifts and she realizes he's trying for the nightstand, so she moves to let him retrieve a worn photo album from the bottom drawer. She's seen it before, but never opened it. He flips the lamp on and settles them so she's nestled against him at the headboard.
He opens it past the first few pages, but she gets a glimpse of a pretty blonde teenager with a curly-haired toddler before it's gone so he's on the page he wants. Unlike the other albums or photos in the house, this one has images of a woman who is unmistakably Lilliana Dixon from her strong resemblance to Honey more than her other children.
What surprises her is that she didn't expect to see a smiling woman from all the scraps she's collected of her. It's not the bright enthusiasm of her daughters, but Carol goes still when she does recognize it in her son. She reaches out to trace the edge of a Polaroid of Lilliana and Daryl, her smile on the boy and not the photographer as she holds the beautiful blond toddler close.
"She loved him." Everything in Lilliana's body language in that photo and the others she can see shows obvious affection.
"She did," he admits, turning the pages almost absently. It's a normal family chronicle with the only photos of Merle are the occasional family shots. She suspects all the ones with just Merle and any of the kids are in the albums she's already seen. These have been hidden away to protect Daryl and Scout.
Scout appears to make most photos a happy trio, but Merle stops about two pages in once Cricket's in the images. Carol sees what he's waiting on her to see.
Lilliana Dixon no longer smiles in any of the photos and after the hospital photos, every image of the baby has her in Daryl or Scout's arms, never her mother's.
"It's funny, how pictures can tell a story you miss when you're in the middle of living. I sorted things out, put away all the pictures of her, and saw when it went wrong."
He's quiet as she takes over flipping the pages. The only hospital photo with Honey has the baby in Daryl's arms and the two other girls posed with him, all sitting on an empty bed in a semi-private room. Lilliana's in the background in the other bed, curled on her side and facing away from the children.
It's the last photo of the woman.
"Lil was Catholic. Deep belief in no birth control but abstinence, and it's probably just dumb luck and military deployments that there's five years between the older girls. She had such an easy pregnancy with Cricket that we didn't really clue in she was expecting til the baby started moving. I don't think she intended to get pregnant then, and I know she didn't with Honey."
Carol feels a wave of sorrow roll through her. Merle adores his daughters, and to think of him not having them is abhorrent.
"I came home from Iraq with a load of PTSD and precious little help from the Marines to deal with it. Sex helped, and Lil was good with it, so we went from that careful schedule to a lot of barely good quickies. She got pregnant and it was a horror show at first. Ended up in the E.R. a couple of times due to dehydration because she couldn't keep anything down."
"Hyperemesis."
He closes the album and nods. "I got my discharge and we moved back to Georgia because while most of my father's family was the sort of white trash no one wants around, my Mama's grandmother was a good woman and still living. She didn't mind having us underfoot and Lil had some help while I was working."
"What happened to your great grandmother?" The woman wasn't mentioned when Merle told her about Will Dixon's attack.
"She was 84. Had a stroke about two weeks before Honey was born. She was in the assisted living place when everything happened with Will. He probably found us cos we were living in her house. Granny encouraged me taking the kids to Guam, so I did. She died of another stroke while we were over there."
Carol hugs him close, mulling over the checkered history he shared with her to sort out how it relates to her comment about their sex life. "So, you don't like quickies because of how things were after you came home from the Gulf?"
"That's the start of it. Half the married guys in my unit ended up with a kid within a year of coming home, so I know I wasn't the only one who coped like that. But I don't have a taste for sex that involves a quick orgasm and walking away to finish up your day, no."
"I don't mind. I'm not a college girl who needs the challenge of having sex on all the flat surfaces in the house."
He snorts in laughter. "Probably best considering how fast we'd get caught."
"You said it was the start of it?" She wants to lance the wound completely if she can.
~*~ MD ~*~
It's not something he really wants to relay to her. It's easier to leave Jazz's conception as the same whitewashed story of trying to work things out and whoops, baby.
The reality is that Merle resisted all Lil's earlier offers for sex in the six weeks they were in contact. But the last night he ever saw Lilliana, she met him at the door dressed to entice and he just gave in. He was angry, knew she wanted security and not him, not their kids.
It was rough and close enough to pushing the lines of consent to make him sick to his stomach to remember it. Lil beneath him, just watching with those dark eyes as he chased a climax neither of them really wanted. He still remembers seeing her skin irritated by the fabric of his jeans rubbed against her thighs. He buttoned himself up, left the updated no-contact papers and the first payment toward making sure she stayed away, and spent the rest of the night too drunk to remember his own name.
Detailing the earlier issue with his PTSD, he didn't mind. He knows, looking back, that their sex life was never normal in the truest sense, not with Lil's careful scheduling as if regular sex was part of a checklist of a normal marriage someone scripted out. But it was good between them even if not particularly passionate. Even in those tough months after Iraq, the sex isn't exactly a bad memory.
Hell, during one of his worst spells, when he was in the kitchen barely holding it together after a fucking car backfired, she bundled him off to the laundry room. He'd sought forgetfulness within her soft warmth and found it, along with a quiet forgiveness as she kissed away his apology. He'd thanked her on his knees, making sure she at least enjoyed the after.
As many times as she dragged him off to that laundry room, he's pretty sure Honey was conceived on top of that fucking washing machine. Whatever once made her a good mother was broken by then and their marriage was dying, but he had loved her and she'd still loved him to the best of her ability to do so.
He's never told anyone about that night, letting everyone believe he was just stupid about his ex and led around by his dick. But he wants Carol to know, so the words come out in fits and starts and he can't watch her as he speaks.
~*~ CP ~*~
Carol is about sure her heart's going to break as Merle speaks about his last night with Lilliana. He's ashamed, making himself small beside her in a way she didn't think possible with a man his size. All she can think is that she's glad she ripped this open tonight, because he doesn't deserve the shame he's carrying.
She takes the photo album and puts it safely on the nightstand before sliding into his lap and hugging him close for a moment. "She intended to have sex with you. She had a goal or at least a hope. I understand why you would never want him to know he was conceived when you were hurt and angry and his mother mercenary, but it wasn't something unforgivable." He doesn't look convinced. "If she had asked you to stop, would you have stopped?"
The look on his face tells her he would have, not that she needs to ask the question. He's horrified at the very thought. She's called a halt to sex twice when it went long enough for her to get too sore to enjoy it. Her 'I need to stop' is a bucket of ice water for the man.
She solved that issue after an uncomfortable talk with Lilly that ended with the advice neither of them were as young as they once were and a sample bag of lubricants that makes her wonder just which supply team slipped in an adult store on a run.
She cups his face between her hands and kisses him gently. The shameful look fades as she pulls away and he studies her.
"You were still in love with her then, weren't you?"
He nods. "Tried for years not to be."
"Then that's the only thing he ever needs to hear. You loved his mother and reconciliation didn't work out, but you still got a wonderful blessing out of the attempt."
She thinks there's a part of Merle that will always love his ex-wife even as much as he knows he shouldn't. There's too much evidence of his inability to move on, and she doesn't think it was all focus on his kids' happiness. And she understands.
Ed wasn't always a monster, and she's healed enough now to be able to remember loving the man he once was and not feel sick from it. She got Sophia from that time, before he changed.
"I love you."
She smiles and whispers it back to him repeatedly between small kisses until he's smiling beneath her lips and that haunted look is long gone.
Then she aims for distraction. "Did I see a tiny little Merle in that album?"
He mock groans but reaches for it and opens it up to introduce her to the dozen or so pictures he has of his mother and himself as a child.
Carol looks at the images of the too thin teenage girl and understands a little why none of her pictures are in the albums the family has access to. As she ages in the photos, the signs of her abused life aren't always hidden. But as few as he has of her, she also understands why he keeps them.
"She was a baby with a baby, but she loved me. She never finished school. Wasn't allowed to after her 'disgrace'. So, she taught herself instead, read every damn book she could at the library. He disappeared for weeks at a time, whoring around, and those were the happy times. We lived in this little shotgun house on the edge of town and she cleaned houses to make enough money to keep us going."
He looks through the photos and points one out that has the edge of a rickety porch in it and the tiny, narrow house in the background. From Merle's gap-toothed grin, he's maybe six, proudly next to a small bicycle with his mother.
"Sixth birthday. Her parents would always come round with a present as if it made up for the rest of the year of ignoring what her life was like."
"What was her name?"
"Ava Catherine."
"Daryl looks so much like her." She hesitates to say it because the implication that Merle looks like his father lurks in that, but he smiles.
"He does. Sweet like her too." There are no pictures of a baby Daryl in here, but there is one of Ava in a worn rocking chair, her belly round and heavy. He nudges the Polaroid.
"She had him at home. Will was on a raging drunk. Went after her with a broken bottle." He touches the jagged twist of scarring on his collarbone and she knows its source now. "She locked us in the bathroom and patched me up. She was too scared to leave when she went into labor."
"That must have been scary as hell."
"Yeah. And she wouldn't let me help her cos it wasn't proper I might see. Draped herself in towels and made me sit with my back to her. He was tiny, wasn't breathing at first. She gave him mouth to mouth, got him started, and it was like it never happened. After my father disappeared, I took her to the hospital. They checked out fine and the old man stayed gone for damn near a year cos he thought he'd cop charges for cutting me up."
Carol wonders how different life would have been for Ava Dixon if she'd taken her boys and run during that year. She was only thirty-two when she died. And she understands even better now why even out of his mind on grief and cocaine, Merle protected Sophia and Carol.
It's probably the absolutely worst time, and not a romantic story for anyone to know, but she moves the album to safety again and sits astride his lap. He arches a brow, curious about her intent.
"Marry me."
She wants that final step, the one he's told her he'll take the second she's sure. She wants the rest of her life with him, with the man who grew from that determined boy who put himself between his pregnant mother and a deadly weapon and who went on to recognize the same lost soul as his own forming in Carol's daughter.
Although their lovemaking doesn't usually involve a second round, he gives it an enthusiastic try. She's a puddle of aftershock pleasure when she feels him slide something on her ring finger. When her eyes finally focus, she sees an antique ring set with a ruby framed by tiny diamonds.
"Mama's family wasn't from the wrong side of the tracks. This was my great grandmother's ring, and that loveable harridan would adore that it skipped the daughter-in-law she feuded with to make its way to you."
"Guess that's a yes then," she teases.
He just smacks her bare ass playfully and then tucks them both in. "Love you, darlin'"
"Love you, too."
A/N: Age of consent in Georgia was 14 until 1995. Very much UGH.
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