Chapter 48.
When he was in a boat, far from the shores of the reservoir, with Jack in the back, staring up at the clouds and Cas looking over the side, watching the water in silent fascination, Sam felt he could finally relax a little. He would have to decide what to do about Jules and her sudden interest in Rhydian, but he wondered whether the party might kill too birds with one stone. If she and Cas found a mutual romantic interest, they might be distracted from obscure enchanters.
"My mother would have loved this place." said Jack, "She liked water. She loved lakes and rivers and the ocean."
Sam could hear the longing in his voice. Even in the womb, his intelligence and awareness had been such that he had come to understand his mother as few people did in a lifetime, yet he had never been in her arms, or seen her smile as she tucked him in at night. Sam could relate to that, if not to the deep knowledge of her that had come to Jack before his birth.
"Have you been here before?" Jack asked him.
"Yeah, a few times. Dean brought me here just before I finished high school. We spent hours out on the water." He smiled, remembering how turbulent and difficult their relationship had been at the time, Dean fearing that Sam would soon walk out of his life forever, Sam afraid that his love for Dean would make it impossible for him to go ahead with his plan to go to college.
All the way there, he had feared that Dean wanted to get him alone and bully or emotionally blackmail him into giving up his plans. All these years later, he still didn't know if that had been the original intention, but as the boat had left the shore, Dean had begun to say some unexpected things.
He had talked about their childhood. He had said that he was proud of his clever little brother. He had called himself a dropout and an idiot and when Sam had protested, Dean had given him an odd smile and said, "What am I gonna do when you're not there to stick up for me, Sammy?"
He had talked about their Mom, too, in ways he had hardly ever talked about her before. In their younger days, Dean had shut down any discussion of her. At other times, he had pretended to be over the loss, though he had never been convincing. That day, out on the water, he had talked about the fear he had felt every day, that something would happen to their Dad and the way that lessons at school seemed designed to taunt him with his loss. He had been told not to talk about his mother at school. It alerted people who might want to "help" by splitting the family. So he would make cards for a mother he didn't have or misbehave so he could leave a lesson that was too focused on maternal matters. It wasn't an attempt to influence Sam, it was a confession. Looking back, it felt like the moment when Dean first treated him as an adult and an equal.
Of course, soon after that, it had been like open warfare, Dean taking their father's side on everything, talking as if wanting to go to college were a betrayal of the whole Winchester line. His anger had been shocking in its intensity, but Sam had grown up with his volatile brother and what scared him was the look of fear, as if Dean truly believed that Sam would never return.
That same level of fear was showing in Dean's eyes these days and it was the same fear. This time, the one leaving him, as everyone else had in his mind, was Cas and Sam suspected that it didn't matter whether the mental link stayed or vanished. Either scenario would only feed Dean's anxieties, because he had never believed his mother would be gone and from that night when he lost her, every relationship in his life had seemed temporary and illusory.
Jack's voice snapped him back to the boat. "It's so peaceful here."
"Yes, it is." said Cas, still staring into the water.
"How are you doing, Cas?" said Sam.
Cas turned to look at him. His face gave little away. "I'm fine." he said.
Jack sat up straight. "Are you worried about Dean?" he said.
"Aren't you?" said Cas.
"He's with Sarah." said Sam, "We all know she won't let him run rings around her like he does with us."
"What do you think his fear is?" said Cas, looking at Sam. It was clear he had been speculating about it.
"I think he's scared of losing your friendship." said Sam.
"It seemed more visceral than that, more serious." said Cas, "It seemed life or death."
"No, it's more than that." said Sam, "Death doesn't scare Dean."