Notes:
Happy New Year to you all!
TW: mention of alcohol abuse
Chapter 42: Boys Don't Cry
Driiing, driiing, driiiiing…
Walburga Black lifted her head and groaned as the dizziness hit her. She fell back wearily onto the velvet chaise longue and grimaced as her mouth hit a wet patch – she had fallen asleep there and drooled onto the soft material. Her mouth felt like something ancient had crawled into it, her head felt like it was about to explode. Where was her Hangover Tonic? Why was bright, painful, unadulterated sunlight streaming into the room? Why was Kreacher not answering the bloody door? She was going to murder that foul, useless piece of filth. She was-
Driiiing, driiiing, driiiiiiiiiiing…
"Morgana's Eyeballs! Make it stop!" she gasped, trying to sit up and doubling over immediately as her stomach objected.
Her hand groped vaguely around for her ebony wand, half hidden behind the sofa. She crawled over and sighed with relief as she grasped onto the worn, smooth wood. Casting a healing charm, she staggered towards the door of the Green Living Room.
"Kreacher!" she called, wincing at the shrill sound. "Get over here, now!"
No sound.
"That creature is dead when I next see him!" she hissed.
Driiiing, driiing, driiiiiiiiiiiiiing…
"Shut up! Shut up!" she said, her high heels tripping over the bottle green Ottoman rug in the hall and finding her face plastered against the front door glass. She flung the door open and squinted, mouth half open.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Black," said the older person, who was holding onto a large leather bag and eyeing her impatiently. "I believe we have an appointment? At two o'clock? Your son Regulus made it?"
"I…" Walburga blinked dramatically as the short haired individual breezed past her into her own study, throwing a well-practiced opaque charm at the windows and sitting themselves down on Walburga's chair.
"You don't look well at all, I might add," they said, removing their wand from the bag and motioning for Walburga to lie on the desk which they had transfigured into a Healer's examination table.
"Now just a –" began Walburga, flopping gratefully onto her back.
"Mrs. Black, I am a very busy Healer," the Healer interrupted her. "You have already kept me waiting for the past fifteen minutes. I will remind you that I am the visiting Healer to all the pureblood nobility, and that appointment slots with me are as rare as hen's teeth. I only agreed to come at short notice because I happen to have a soft spot for your sons. Do you wish me to leave?"
Healer Enda* Mac Dougal was one of the few people that Walburga was intimidated by and held a grudging respect for. She shook her head and shut her eyes as the room swam in and out of focus.
"Excessive liquor consumption, inadequate sleep, excessive stomach acid with reflux, and finally, excessive use of Dark Magic," said Mac Dougal, their wand hovering over Walburga's upper abdomen.
Their voice sounded practical and confident. Walburga felt herself squirm.
"What nonsense!" she sniffed haughtily, passing her hand over her eyes.
"Mrs. Black, I do not appreciate being lied to, you can continue to wallow in denial after I have gone, but while we are both here, I shall not stand for it. Understood?"
Walburga peered up at the Healer from behind her fingers, speechless.
"I advise you to halve the Firewhisky consumption for a week, followed by further halving for another two weeks and that you avoid hard liquor after that, indefinitely," the Healer said, writing on letterheaded parchment with strong quill strokes.
Mac Dougal looked up briefly and gave Walburga a penetrating stare. Walburga gaped back in shock.
"There!" they said, handing Walburga the parchment. "Some Capitis potion and Dreamless Sleep potion prescribed for a week. Avoid any Dark spells for at least a month."
They stood up abruptly and put out their hand, which Walburga automatically took.
"I suggest you drink plenty of water and rest, eat bland foods only, and use a mouth wash, you have dreadful halitosis," Mac Dougal said, fixing their oversized cloak and sticking on a large beret. "Please convey my good wishes to your sons. Good day. I'll see myself out."
Walburga remained staring at the retreating figure, saucer- eyed. She breathed onto the palm of her hand and sniffed.
"Ugh!" she grimaced at the smell. "The cheek of them!"
She closed her eyelids wearily.
"Awful hat-hair!" she added after a pause. "Where is that blasted elf? I shall skin him alive!"
Where was everyone?
….
"Excuse me?"
Walburga's icy tones would have made most men in his position cringe. But Pongo Parkinson was not most men. After forty years of pandering to the whims, existential crises and bat-shit crazy tempers of the Scared Twenty-Eight, he knew how to handle Mrs. Black. And he was exceedingly rich as a result.
"Lady Walburga," he murmured smoothly. "I assure you, there is nothing to be done about the outcome of this will and testament. He made me take an Unbreakable Oath."
"What?" Walburga leaned forward, wand in hand, looking horrified.
"Yeas," Parkinson raised his palms upwards helplessly. "It cannot be falsified. So, you see, he has been very thorough. If he dies, his inheritance passes back to his older brother-"
"He is no longer family!" Walburga shrieked.
"For the purposes of this will, it clearly states that his sole beneficiary is one Sirius Orion Black. It further states that if his brother meets an untimely or violent death, the inheritance is to be passed on to a certain Mr. Remus Lupin, and similarly if anything should happen to Mr. Lupin, then it goes to Mr. and Mrs. James Potter, at least the Potters are a pureblood-"
"What?" Walburga's hiss was enough for Mr. Parkinson to move behind the relative safety of his desk, which he had had suitably enchanted for such occasions.
"And, er, and finally, if these are all unable to inherit, then the, er, entirety of Mr. Regulus Black's fortune is to be bequeathed to Professor Albus Dumbledore, to be donated to muggle victims of, er, Death Eater attacks…"
Mr. Parkinson cleared his throat and began polishing his glasses.
"I was just as surprised as you are, Madam," Mr. Parkinson smiled in commiseration.
"You allowed this to happen?" Warburga glared at him as her voice rose.
"Madam, I'm afraid I had little choice. Your monthly allowance shall remain unaltered as per your husband's most generous will. I tried to dissuade Mr. Black from going down this route, very strongly, but his mind was made up. There was no moving him."
"Why?" Warburga's mouth was dry.
Mr. Parkinson glanced down at the will.
"Mr. Regulus Black's exact words, Madam," he said, handing Walburga a copy of the will, and pointing to the second paragraph.
"I have been lied to all my life. I feel stupid for believing my parents for so long. My brother was right. Voldemort is evil, his followers are bent on destruction. I cannot stand idly by or worse, have any hand or part in this. If you are still alive, Mother, I am sorry if this upsets you, but you need to remove yourself from Voldemort's sphere of influence, as I am planning on doing. I have put this off long enough."
"When… when did he make this will?" Walburga whispered, her eyes locked onto the sheet of parchment.
"The day after your husband's funeral, Madam," Mr. Parkinson said. "Your son was most unusual, Lady Black. He seems to have had no compunction in calling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named by his real name."
Warburga remained silent. So Regulus had begun to have doubts about his allegiance to the Dark Lord for some time? The Dark Lord had visited Grimmauld Place the day before Regulus and Kreacher went missing. Were these facts connected? Had the Dark Lord found out about Regulus' doubts and had him executed? Or had he died on a mission for Voldemort?
Warburga's lip curled in disdain as she stood up suddenly, glaring down at Mr. Parkinson who was regarding her with a mix of fear and politeness.
"My son was unfailingly loyal to Voldemort and his pureblood agenda," she said stiffly. "He may yet return, there is no proof that he is dead."
Mr. Parkinson inclined his head politely.
"Of course, Madam. By law, in such circumstances, a year must pass before anyone can benefit from the will," he said.
"Make it two, Parkinson," Walburga said, moving towards the door with a regal sweep of her impeccable robes.
"In the final analysis, at the end of the day, one would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, if you ask me for a straight answer, then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, it is probably true to say, in general terms…" Mr. Parkinson began.
"There must be loopholes, Parkinson, there are always loopholes! That's why we pay you so much, is it not? Find them!" Walburga hissed angrily.
"Well, technically, one cannot," Mr. Parkinson tried again.
"Parkinson!"
"While I shall certainly endeavour to… the Unbreakable Vow means-"
"Two years! Or else…" Walburga narrowed her eyes in warning. "The black family is highly influential, Parkinson, you would do well to remember that. Nobody crosses Walburga Black!"
"Madam," Parkinson bowed his head and jumped as the door slammed shut behind her.
"Bernard, get me some tea!" Parkinson called out to his secretary, sitting down heavily and holding his head in his hands.
"Certainly, Sir," Bernard Selwyn appeared immediately, looking at his boss with pity. "Shall I make that an eye-opener?"
"Most definitely, Bernard," shuddered the older man. "In fact, hold the tea altogether, and make that a triple Firewhisky!"
"Yes, Sir. Certainly, Sir," Bernard said soothingly.
"They don't pay me enough for this!" muttered Parkinson under his breath.
….
Lupin -
We need to talk. Now. Do not tell anyone.
Walburga Black
Remus stared at the piece of parchment for a long time. The Black family crest, the weight of it, the elegant calligraphy. The writing reminded him terribly of Sirius' own slanted lettering - the impatient dash through the letter t, the lower swoop of the capital B, the way the horizontal part of the L in Lupin ran the length of his name. Just as Sirius wrote his name. It was not a fake. It was rude and he wanted to tear it up and send her a howler telling her to very firmly fuck off.
"But why?" he whispered to himself.
Mr. Potter -
Despite your disgraceful and vile behaviour towards my family, I require your attendance at my house immediately. This meeting relates to my son, Regulus. Your ranting may have compromised his safety. I need to talk to you.
Do not tell anyone.
Walburga Black
Lily looked at the parchment and pursed her lips together, her heart pounding. What was that awful woman trying to achieve? Was Reg really in danger? Was he in trouble with Voldemort? James had told her about his failed attempt to talk to Sirius' brother. But that had been months ago. Why now? I need to talk to you. There was something about the tone of this letter, Lily thought, as she re-read it carefully. As though Walburga was implying she would never have invited James anywhere near her house had it not been the case that she was desperate.
She was not sending James anywhere near that damned house.
…..
"Remus!" Lily called, racing over to where he stood, parchment in hand.
"Pardon?" Remus said, turning around in confusion.
"There better be a good expla-fucking-nation for this, Remus Lupin! What are you doing here?" Lily said, folding her arms across her chest.
"Me?" Remus said, looking at her aghast. "You're lecturing me on visiting Grimmauld Place? Do you realise what Walburga will do to you if you knock on that door? Don't you understand that there's probably a muggle repellent curse on that door? And possibly an anti-mudblood curse? A really nasty curse, a lethal one, do you understand?"
"I got a letter," Lily replied, glaring at Remus unrepentantly.
"So did I," Remus didn't blink.
"Oh for goodness sake, we'll go in together," Lily said, sighing with frustration. "You're so stubborn, Remus John Lupin."
"You're calling me stubborn?" Remus said, raising his brow quizzically.
Lily dug her elbow into his side as she moved towards number twelve.
"Shut up, you're worse!"
"Hang on!" Remus said, jumping ahead of her and eying the ornate serpent on the door warily before opting for the doorbell.
"Hey! Wait for me!" Lily said indignantly.
"Don't touch anything, Lily, not a single thing, do you hear me!" Remus said sharply. "I'm not going back to the flat without you!"
Lily huffed the auburn fringe off her face and rolled her eyes.
"Fine! Only cause I like you, Remus!" she said. "Evans and Lupin, just like the old days!"
She smiled at him reassuringly and squeezed his arm.
Remus' smile was tight.
The door opened abruptly.
"Get in! Now!" Walburga hissed sharply, her eyes scanning the pavement outside in a paranoid manner. "Quickly!"
They stood in the hall awkwardly, talking in the luxurious panelling, the ornate furniture and resplendent chandeliers. The ancient portraits surveyed the visitors with obvious revulsion, some of them turning their backs, or slipping out of the paintings.
"Walburga, why stoop so low?" Phineas Nigellus Black shouted, pulling at his moustache in fury. "How dare you invite these two low-lives into this hallowed-"
"Quiet!" said Walburga, flinging the door of her study open. "Get inside!"
"Don't touch anything, Lily!" Remus whispered urgently.
They walked silently into the room and stared at Walburga. Walburga stared back. Remus noticed the black circles under her eyes, the yellow tinge to her skin tone, the unkempt appearance of her dress and hair, the smell of firewhisky which filled the room. Her eyes, grey and stormy, looked so familiar, so haunted. He hated the woman, he couldn't forget or forgive everything she had put Sirius through, and yet, he was stunned at how familiar her mannerisms were to his…
"Mrs. Black," he said. "We came, as requested. I believe you are concerned about your son Regulus. What is the problem?"
He sounded calm and reasonable and Walburga couldn't help feeling enraged by his apparent lack of intimidation.
"Who is this?" Warburga said stiffly, lifting her head in Lily's general direction.
"Mrs. Lily Evans Potter," said Lily.
"I don't recall inviting her here," Walburga fumed, still looking at Remus, ignoring her.
"My husband was unavoidably detained, Mrs. Black," said Lily, with a pleasant smile.
"Nevertheless-" interrupted Walburga, her eyes flashing dangerously at Remus.
"Nevertheless, if we do not move on to discuss why you summoned us here, we may never get to the point," Remus said. "And we came because we want to help, if we can. What has happened to Regulus, Mrs. Black?"
"Mrs. Black, would you like us to leave?" Lily said firmly, moving towards the door.
"Wait!" Walburga ordered, her bloodshot eyes flickering between Remus and Lily's faces.
"What happened to Regulus? Why are we here?" Remus repeated quietly.
Walburga's chin lifted defiantly and she glared at Remus, her mouth a thin line.
"Mrs. Black, we don't have all day," Lily said, looking at her watch.
Walburga opened her mouth to reply and Remus lifted both hands into the air.
"Mrs. Black, in your own time," said Remus, transfiguring a side table into a straight-backed office chair and placing it beside Lily.
"Thank you, Remus," Lily smiled at him and sat down, ignoring Walburga's disgusted face.
Remus bowed graciously and transfigured the vase next to him into a similar chair, watching with mild amusement as Walburga tried to hide her surprise at his skill.
"Mrs. Black?" Remus asked, motioning for her to sit.
Walburga sat down heavily, as though exhausted by the stand-off, implacably straight, her chin still sticking out, as though posture itself was defiance personified. Remus bit the side of his lips to stop himself smiling.
"Pray do resume, Mrs. Black," he said politely, pointedly disregarding her horrified expression as he took out a notebook and pen and looked at her expectantly.
"My son and heir, Regulus Arcturus Black, my only son," Walburga shot Remus a gloating look. "Is missing, it has been months since he was last seen. He asked me to leave the house as he had a business meeting with the Dark Lord, the very next morning he went out and I've had no news of him since. My family and acquaintances have no idea where he might have gotten to, they suspect he may have been murdered by those opposing the Dark Lord."
Remus and Lily glanced at each other.
"I assure you, I think we would know if that had happened. I know the names of all the Death Eaters who have died in action over the past three months, there are only two of them, and neither of them is Regulus," said Remus.
Walburga's face failed to hide her relief.
"Where is he then?" she asked.
"I have no idea," Remus said. "Do you know what the meeting between Reg and Voldemort was about?"
"Voldemort?" Walburga said, looking at Remus as though he were unwell. "I would never presume to know the Dark Lord's secrets!"
"But you think he may have let Reg in on a secret?" Lily said with a frown.
"I have no idea!" Walburga snapped at Lily, turning her attention back to Remus. "Regulus does not tell me very much about anything."
"No, that's him alright," Remus said, with a sad smile.
"How do you know my son? There is no way he would demean himself by talking to halfbloods, or heaven forbid, mudblood filth-" Walburga's lip curled in horror.
"Then you clearly don't know your son very well, Mrs. Black," said Remus said, his moss green eyes flashing an amber shade.
Walburga tossed her head dismissively, as though pleased that she had managed to upset Remus.
"Regardless of mudblood shenanigans, Mrs. Black," said Lily. "Can you give us any other information about your son? Anything you thought was unusual about his behaviour over the recent past, prior to his disappearance?"
Walburga hesitated, the information about Regulus' will hovered in her mind momentarily.
"No, nothing unusual," she said curtly.
"Are you sure?" Lily said, leaning forwards.
"Of course I am, you impudent little bi-" Walburga's voice rose.
"Be quiet, Mrs. Black!" shot back Remus. "There will be no insults thrown around by either side or we are terminating this interview, do I make myself clear?"
"Interview?" said Walburga.
"Interview," said Remus, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Can we get back to what happened, please? Are you telling us that as far as you know, your son appeared to be on good terms with Voldemort and his troops around the time of his disappearance?"
"Yes!" said Walburga. "I mean, no, I have no idea either way. As I said earlier, my son was a very private man, is a very private man…"
Lily watched as Walburga's hands played restlessly with the heavy, polished aquamarine paperweight on her desk, shaped like a dragon head.
"Mrs. Black, if you don't tell us everything you know, you're hampering our efforts to find Regulus," Lily said quietly, leaning back into the hard chair.
"Are you accusing me of lying to you?" Walburga's voice rose.
"I suppose so," Lily said. "Your hands get agitated like Sirius' when you're uncomfortable."
Lily stared back at Walburga, seemingly unflappable.
"Mrs. Black, I presume you have attempted to owl your son on a number of occasions since-" began Remus.
"Of course, you utter, utter idiot!" said Walburga, rolling her eyes in disbelief. "Countless attempts, all unsuccessful. No response."
Remus forced his features into a neutral expression.
"Very well," he said. "And is there-"
"All I know for sure is that your vile husband was outside screaming abuse at my son, and the very next day Regulus and my house-elf disappeared!" Walburga snapped, glaring at Lily.
"What did he say to Regulus?" Remus asked, frowning.
"Called him a coward among other things!" hissed Waburga. "It was his fault this happened, I'm certain of it!"
"Are you implying that Regulus defied Voldemort in some way after hearing what James had to say to him? That Voldemort had your son killed?" Remus said.
"I'm not implying anything of the sort, Salazar's Soul!" said Walburga angrily gripping the paperweight in her hand. "I'm saying that Merlin only knows what stupid, thoughtless, hairbrained idea that boy may have had, after listening to that traitor's ranting! That vile, lying, murderous-"
"You have delighted us long enough, Walburga," Lily said, standing up, her piercing eyes locking onto Walburga's – cold, overcast, like black ice on a dangerous bend, meeting viridian - startingly vibrant, bursting with life.
Walburga blinked, too shocked to react.
"If there is any connection between my husband calling out your son, and any decision on his part to stop supporting Voldemort, then I am glad. Regulus was too good for this, I don't believe he wanted to hate Sirius, I don't believe he wanted to be part of a secret society intent on murdering innocent people! I hope if that is the case, that he may have run away, and is hiding from the Death Eaters as we speak, rather than continuing to support a cause that he did not believe in," Lily's voice was hard.
"And if he is dead? Who's fault is it then?" Walburga hissed, standing up and looking Lily up and down as though disgusted by her sheer presence.
"Whoever forced a mere child to join Voldemort's forces, whoever failed to listen to Regulus, to hear what his own thoughts were, to let him have a voice, to let him speak for himself, to let him make his own decision about whether or not he wanted to ever speak to his brother again!" Lily said.
"What gives you the right to behave in so disrespectful a manner, with one so wholly superior to you in every way?" Walburga shouted.
"Superior? There is nothing about you which I consider superior to me, save perhaps your vanity and ability for self-deception," said Lily coldly.
"Insolent girl!" seethed Walburga, twisting her wand in her hand.
"There is a stubbornness about me that can never bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me," Lily said.
Remus' lips twitched.
"Are the shades of Grimmauld to be thus polluted? I have never heard such vile talk in all my life. It is abundantly clear you are a commoner mudblood, quite as disgusting and ill-bred as I expected. You shall all be wiped out soon enough, by the grace of Salazar, when this war is over. I suspect behind closed doors Mia and Monty Potter are horrified that their only son was ensnared by a such a horrid, ugly little creature, with no breeding whatsoever. A penniless, worthless daughter-in-law, intent on stealing the Sleekeazy fortune for yourself, how very cunning! A cheap Love Potion, was it? I only hope for their sakes that they are dead by the time you manage to give them an heir, the thought of it makes my stomach turn," Walburga's eyes shone with delight. "I am quite sure they secretly pray that you end up childless, or that their son tires of you before long, either way I am quite sure you will be but a mere sordid footnote in the Potters' history!"
"That's enough, Mrs. Black!" said Remus.
Walburga stepped away from him.
"I consider my parents to have been in every way equal to Monty and Mia Potter. Blood purity is of no interest to me. When I consider the cruelty that you and Orion subjected your sons to, which has caused them both so much pain and suffering, I wonder how you have the gall to stand there and try to lecture me on parenthood!" Lily's voice was low and dangerous.
"We should go," said Remus.
He stood beside the door, holding it open for Lily.
"Lily!" Remus' voice was harder.
"Coming," Lily said, gritting her teeth as she swept past Walburga.
"Mr. Lupin!" Walburga's voice was an order.
"Yes?" Remus said, still holding the door open.
"I hope you're proud of yourself," she said.
Remus did not answer, remaining where he stood.
"I said I hope you're proud of yourself!"
Remus refused to answer.
"Insufferably rude!"
She was infuriating and pitiful all at once. He sighed.
"You're going to tell me what I should be proud of…" Remus said, with a slight raise of his brow.
Walburga's face turned red, but she could only bite back her reply for a few seconds.
"You are not worthy to consort with a Black, you have corrupted and lured my stupid, naïve, wretched son, made him think that he cares for you, when that is so clearly unthinkable. Unconscionable! Who do you think you are, ruining the life of a perfectly respectable young man to satisfy your own greedy, base desires? What are you offering him, aside from lies and deceit and ruin? Who do you think you are, Mr. Lupin?"
Remus' eyes had turned a dull moss.
"I don't understand why your son loves me," he said quietly. "Any more than you do. I have nothing to offer him, and he knows it. Who do I think I am? A very lucky man, Madam."
Walburga stared back, her mouth half-open, confusion in her silver eyes. Remus inclined his head politely. Walburga blinked.
"Goodbye, Mrs. Black," he said. "If you can think of anything that may help us to find out what happened to your son, please let us know."
…..
"James! Where've you been?"
James was hunched over, hands on his thighs, still breathless from running. He looked up and waved his arm.
"Question," he gasped.
Lily rolled her eyes.
"What did I say to you when I saw you skinny dipping by the lake in Fourth Year?"
"You didn't say anything, you were laughing too hard," said James, with a small smile as he looked up.
"Your go," Lily said.
"Don't be daft," said James, straightening himself up.
"Did you go for another run?" Lily asked him.
James nodded.
"Apparated near the South Foreland Lighthouse**," he said. "Went for a run along the cliffs."
Lily pursed her lips shut. He had been on a run every day since Remus had told him (half told him, omitting certain details, including who had provided the information). He wasn't alright, she could see it in his eyes and in the way his shoulders slumped and in the way he had been avoiding Sirius.
"James, it's not your fault, you mustn't blame yourself," Lily said, walking up to him and wrapping her arms around him. She felt his stiff shoulders relax into her.
"It is though," he muttered, inhaling the coconut and white flower smell.
"We don't know anything, James!" Lily said softly, holding onto him tightly.
"We know Reg is missing since then," James said.
"Nobody has seen him, he may have gone into hiding. He disappeared with their House-Elf," she said, looking at James with concern.
"I shouldn't have said anything…. Fuck!" said James, moving away and leaning forwards against the wall of the pub, feeling dizzy.
"Don't be daft," said Lily, rubbing her palm soothingly over James' lower back.
"I didn't think… oh Merlin, gods, fuck!" said James, closing his eyes and feeling sick. "Poor chap…"
"This has nothing to do with you, James!" said Lily heatedly.
"Fucking hell, I'm so sorry," James said, closing his eyes and hitting his forehead against the brick wall.
"Don't be," said Lily firmly. "It's not your fault."
"What if he's dead? What if it's my fault he's dead? What if I got Reg killed? What was I thinking?" James' voice cracked.
"Please, James, look at me," Lily said.
He looked up at her, breath still laboured, a panicked look in his eyes.
"please don't jump to conclusions. Sirius needs you, come inside."
James breathed in deeply.
"I… alright," he whispered. "Give me a second."
"Good," said Lily. "Sirius would hate you to miss his birthday."
He looked so tired.
"Please, James," Lily said, holding out her hand.
He also looked scared. He took a deep breath and put out his hand, grasping her small one and squeezing tightly.
The place was jammed, it was a Saturday night, there was a muggle band playing a cover version of The Cure's Boys Don't Cry in one corner of the dingy pub. The loud music meant you had to shout to be heard. James scanned the room carefully, the heavy feeling still burning his lungs. Then he saw him, his brother, standing with his back against the wall, cigarette in hand, laughing at something Remus had said, his head tipped back, his grey eyes sparkling with joy. Remus smiled back, running his thumb along Sirius' collarbone, as though he was the only person in the entire room. Suddenly Sirius spotted him, and his face changed abruptly, his smile faded. James swallowed and walked forwards, stopping a few feet away from him. Sirius pushed himself away from the wall and walked over to him.
"Prongs," he said, putting his arm around James' shoulder and giving him a tight hug, still holding onto the drink in his other hand.
James held onto him, closing his eyes.
"Pads, I…" he said, white faced. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, I wish I hadn't… I can't tell you how much I wish I… I'll go if you-"
"Shut up, Prongs," Sirius said, grabbing him by his jacket collar and bringing his face closer. "I don't want to hear another word!"
"But I… Sirius, I fucked up," he said, looking devastated.
"I said shut up," Sirius whispered, his eyes filling up. "I spent years trying to get my brother to stop pissing about with wannabe Death-Eaters, years, and then I gave up, until it was too late, and I couldn't have, even if I wanted to. If I thought you somehow managed to get through to him and made him re-think his allegiance to these bastards, those basically fascist wizard bastards? I'd be so proud of him, Prongs, proud of my little brother! I just wish he'd had the sense to talk to me, well not me, but you and Moony, Lily… any of us. But he always liked to do things on his own. Fucking idiot. Hated talking to people he didn't know. He… the only person I think he ever fully felt comfortable talking to was me! But Papa made sure that wasn't an option."
Sirius stopped, gritting his teeth and digging his fingernails into the palms of his hands to calm himself.
I would do almost anything
To get you back by my side
But I just keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'Cause boys don't cry
'Cause boys don't cry
"Is there anything I can do? Get in touch with this mystery source? Reach out to-" James said, in that gravelly voice that Sirius knew meant he was trying to stop himself crying.
"Yes, there is, Prongs," he said, smiling sadly at James and hugging him once more. "Get yourself a drink and get drunk with me?"
James hugged him back so tightly that Sirius couldn't breathe.
He didn't feel drunk enough, not nearly drunk enough to get rid of the guilt sitting like a rock on his chest. When they apparated home, he stood for a while beside their four-poster bed, leaning his forehead against the bedpost.
"Come to bed, beautiful," Lily said, looking up at him anxiously.
"Sorry," James said quietly. "I can't stop thinking about Reg…"
"Come to bed, James," Lily said.
"Sorry," James said, nodding his head.
"James, please, come here," Lily's voice was soft.
"Sorry," James said.
"Hush," Lily said, getting out of the bed, and walking over to James.
James saw her shiver and his eyes took her in, her auburn waves falling onto the aqua coloured satin chemise, her pale skin, the light freckles on her cheekbones. He leaned forward hesitantly and kissed her. She kissed him back.
"Take me to bed, James," she said, sighing into his kiss.
He wanted to be with her, to get lost in her and let himself breathe again and feel happiness and was that wrong, to want to be happy, when Reg might be dead, when it might be his fault?
"I want to," he said, and his voice still sounded hoarse and dry and thin.
"Please James," Lily whispered again.
She was smiling but she had tears in her eyes, and he could never stand to see her cry, couldn't bear it.
"Merlin, yes, Lily," he said, walking her backwards towards the bed and kissing her until the backs of her knees hit the mattress and she fell backwards, pulling him with her.
They were both a bit drunk, and the minute they landed on the bed they forgot that anything existed outside of them, outside of this moment.
She thought about that night so often, afterwards, what might have been, what their lives might have been like, how the war might have gone…
…..
"Sirius and Remus won't be available for that shift, they're taking a week off," James said, a month later, fixing Dearborn with a stony look, as though expecting resistance.
"A week, huh?" Dearborn said, looking unimpressed. "Says who? That's rather long, isn't it?"
"Says me! No, it isn't," James said, looking down at the parchment. "They haven't had a break in ages, and Sirius is exhausted, what with all those wankers targeting him and trying to win that Bounty. And Remus is tired too, just look at him."
"Thanks?" Remus said, looking slightly put out. "I mean, I always look like this, I don't need a break any more than-"
"Yes you do!" James shot back. "We got a break for our honeymoon and you guys need a break now, trust me!"
Sirius smiled at Remus.
"I wouldn't say no to a week with Moony," he said in a seductive tone, hiding his anxiety at Remus' exhausted appearance.
"There, that's settled so," said James, grinning at Sirius.
Sirius grinned back.
"You never know, they may have An Important Announcement to make by the time they get back?" Marlene said, winking loftily in Remus' direction.
Remus' face hardened.
"No, we won't," he said flatly, pulling at the sleeves of his jumper.
Sirius looked at his boyfriend and sighed to himself.
"It's fine, there won't be any announcements," he said.
"Don't worry about anything other than being together for the week," said Lily, smiling at Sirius kindly, knowing what he was thinking. "You'll come back rested and better able to take on Voldy. Maybe we can try to arrange for someone else to get some time off after that."
"Hear, hear," said Dorcas.
"I second that," said Marlene, smiling at her.
"You two should definitely take the next week off," Emmeline said, with a knowing wink at Marlene.
Marlene, the least likely person in the entire Order to blush, turned a bright shade of puce.
"What? No! I mean, I need a break, yeah, but…" she stammered, clearing her throat.
"Interesting!" said Lily, grinning at Emmeline.
"Who's taking our shift next Wednesday if we're gone?" said Remus, who still looked uncomfortable.
"I will," said James immediately.
"Me too," said Lily, smiling at Remus. "No problem."
Peter sat quietly biting his nails. So he was not worthy of any attention because he wasn't going out with anyone, was he not? Why was Sirius getting special treatment? Just because James (rightly, as it happened) blamed himself for Regulus' disappearance? Why didn't he deserve a break? He needed a break, rather desperately. He was sick and tired of narrow misses, of coming face to face with murderous Death-Eaters and escaping by a hair's breadth. He was starting to wonder why he was doing this, why he was risking his life? For what? Would anyone miss him if he died? Fuck Sirius Black.
"That's settled then," said James firmly, ignoring Dearborn's annoyed look.
…..
"Are you sure about this?" Remus said, scissors in his hands.
"Yes," Sirius' voice was quiet, staring at himself in the mirror.
"You can grow it back, as soon as this war is over," said Remus.
Sirius gave a bitter laugh.
"That soon, huh?"
"Any day, yeah," Remus gave a wry smile.
He ran his fingers through Sirius' silky hair.
"I love your hair long," he said.
Sirius closed his eyes, nobody's touch was like Remus' – smooth, firm, confident yet gentle.
"I love it too," he sighed. "Cut it all off."
"I promise I'll love your short hair too," Remus said soothingly, massaging Sirius' scalp.
"Huh! I want it to look like Dearborn's haircut, okay? What's it called, a screw cut, or whatever?" Sirius huffed.
"A screw cut?" Remus bit his lip to stop the laughter. "Yeah, okay, a screw cut it is!"
"Good! I always knew you had the hots for Dearborn, I was going to get it cut years ago but you put me off," Sirius reminded him, folding his arms.
Remus recalled that moment very well, but now was not the time to remind Sirius he looked gorgeous with his long hair, and that Dearborn wasn't a patch on Sirius***. Not when he had finally persuaded Sirius to cut his hair, to reduce the chances of him being singled out by enemy fighters during Order missions. His signature man bun was such an obvious give away, Remus had taken to transfiguring his own hair to resemble Sirius' and change Sirius' to look like Remus', which had led to dozens of screaming matches with him. Plus, the spell had a tendency to wear off after a few hours, which wasn't good enough.
"You're always gorgeous, Sirius, no matter what you do," Remus said, placing his hands on Sirius' shoulders and bending down to kiss his cheek.
Sirius closed his eyes and smiled.
"Cut it off, Moony," he said.
Afterwards, Sirius stared at his reflection. It wasn't that the short crew-cut didn't suit him. It did. It highlighted his sharp features, showed off his cheekbones and aristocratic nose. It just reminded him of his brother, with his typical pureblood haircut reminiscent of a film from the 1920s they had watched in Muggle Studies. Regulus. Dutiful son. Now possibly posthumous. Same grey eyes. Same tightening of his jaw. Same squared shoulders.
"At least I can't kill him by accident," he said, scowling at the mirror. "Stupid fucking idiot."
Remus nodded. He knew Sirius had frequent nightmares about killing Death-Eaters who turned out to be Reg. He knew how heart-breaking this was for Sirius, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.
"Where shall we go?" Remus said, bending down again and wrapping his arms around his brooding boyfriend.
"Not too far, just in case," Sirius said, leaning his head back into Remus. "I have an idea."
…..
James slammed the palms of his hands down on Dumbledore's desk.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" he said, his eyes a hot mess of emotions.
"Get your oafish hands off my desk, now!" Lily said, recovering from the initial shock with a flash of anger almost immediately.
"Your desk?" James said, taking his hands off the desk, nevertheless.
"I'm using it now, yes, I need to get these mission forms finished and signed before bringing them for filing in the Room of Requirement," Lily said, looking back at James angrily. "What the hell is your problem, Potter?"
"My problem?" James was furious. "I'll tell you what my problem is, Evans. My problem is that my bloody wife thought it sensible to visit Walburga Black, the same woman who thinks nothing of throwing a Crucio at her children, whose husband tried to kill Sirius, who detests muggleborns, who tried to – oh fucking hell, Lily! What the absolute, ever-living fuck possessed you?"
She had never seen him so angry. She folded her arms defensively and glared back, wondering how he had found out.
"I'll tell you exactly what possessed me, Potter," she said coldly. "My problem is my dickhead of a husband who nearly got himself thrown into Azkaban by the Blacks, but then thought it sensible to attend a Black family funeral, and to top it all, decided to call over to antagonise Orion's heir, as you do! Do I need to explain it further? What exactly was I meant to do? Let you read the letter and let you waltz back in there so that bitch could finish you off, once and for all?"
She was standing up now, and he couldn't quite understand how someone so slender and uncommonly kind could look so intimidating and fierce within the space of a few seconds.
"That letter was addressed to me, damn it!" James said, his voice rising with irritation. "You had no right opening my post!"
"I don't care!" Lily said, looking more agitated and feeling guilty. "If you think I would have let you just go there, you're even more stupid than I gave you credit for!"
"You're a muggleborn, Evans, fucking bloody fucking…" James' words ran out as he waved his arm about with rage. "You could have been killed, do you understand me? Killed, damn it!"
"Yes, well, so could you, at least I have more sense! Remus and I knew what we were doing!" Lily shot back, feeling angrier by the second.
"You clearly didn't, Evans! What you did was grossly irresponsible and wilfully sly! I don't care what you say, you could have been killed, Evans, for fuck's sake! When I see Moony, I'm going to kill him!"
James made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and slammed his fist against the wall. Damn it, he was furious and livid and scared out of his wits and fucking sick of this shit.
"Remus didn't have any choice, I told him I was going, and he decided to come with me, surely a safer bet! Don't you dare drag Remus into this!" Lily said.
"Don't you dare, ever, ever go behind my back like that again, ever, do you hear me?" he shouted.
"You can scream all you like, Potter, you don't get to tell me what to do!" Lily said, her voice rising angrily.
"Don't you dare act like you're the innocent one in this Evans, for fuck's sake!" James said.
"Don't you dare raise your voice at me, Potter!" Lily said. "Get out!"
Her voice was starting to wobble which made her even madder.
"You know what? Fine!" James said, gripping his wand tightly and watching as furious sparks flew from his wand tip. "If you want to tell yourself that this is my fault, if you want to lie to yourself so you can – ugh! Lily, don't you dare defend this!"
"I'm not listening to one more word of this!" Lily said, slamming the book shut and flinging her quills and parchment into her well-worn bag.
She marched past him, livid and upset and boiling with rage. They hadn't spoken since. James had slept at his parents' house for a while and now with Sirius and Remus gone, James had taken to sleeping in their bedroom. He didn't like leaving her with only Wormy for protection. They avoided each other at mealtimes. Peter had cringed and disappeared into the relative safety of his bedroom. There was simply no way he could win if he took sides. They were both still furious.
…..
"Looks like you swapped into an easy shift," said Edgar Bones, loosening his collar and placing his cloak over his arm. "Nothing much happening, no handover."
"Thanks," said James curtly.
"Lily, James," Edgar said, tipping his hat at them, sensing something was amiss but too polite to bring it up in conversation.
"Edgar," said James.
"Bye, Edgar, see you soon," Lily said, smiling at him half-heartedly.
"If it stays this quiet, I'm going to try going for a kip," said Frank Longbottom, looking at the fireplace one last time and throwing a blanket over himself.
James nodded absent-mindedly, his left hand restlessly tapping on his thigh, shooting Lily fleeting glances when he knew she wasn't watching. He hated whenever they fought, and this had been their worst row ever. The night stayed quiet, Lily dozed off on the armchair and James watched her. He was worried about her too, she looked pale and she seemed off her food for weeks now. It added to the leaden feeling of guilt he was carrying. It was his fault. He was right, he was damned well right, and he had nothing to apologise for, but he probably would. Because he knew what he was getting himself into when he married her, didn't he? And wouldn't he have done the exact same thing in her place, he told himself for the umpteenth time? He transfigured his jumper into a warm, thick blanket and placed it over her gently, doubling it up and kissing the top of her head tenderly. He watched the magical fairy lights on the tree twinkling merrily. He couldn't have felt less Christmassy. He fell asleep eventually, having transfigured the rug into a scratchy blanket.
He was woken up by a loud shout emanating from the fireplace.
"You better get your sorry arses down here immediately! I've just intercepted intel that a couple of Deaters are planning an attack on a muggle school bus in the vicinity of Newcastleton!" Dedalus Diggle's voice crackled.
"Where's that?" said James, his voice still croaky from sleep.
"Border between England and Scotland. Dumbledore has left a special portkey in his room that means you should be able to get anywhere, immediately. Hurry! There's nobody else around."
"Great!" grumbled Frank, sitting up reluctantly, but shoving his feet into his shoes without hesitation. "Typical Dumbledore, never around when you need him!"
"Get some water and rations and let's go," Lily said, standing up and sitting back down rather suddenly.
"Alright, Evans?" James said, with a concerned frown.
"Fine, just feeling a bit sick, probably need to eat something," she said.
"Maybe you should stay behind?" James said.
"No!" Lily said, forcing herself to stand. "It's fine. We can't risk it. It's children, James!"
James nodded immediately. He wanted to apologise, but not in front of Frank.
"Dedalus, can you try and contact a few of the others in case anyone is available to join us? We'll be with you in a jiffy," he said.
"No can do, I've also had word of another attack planned in Wales, I'm trying to get in touch with Moody as we speak!"
"Got it," said Lily, looking at Frank and James. "Don't worry, we're on it!"
…..
"This place gives me the creeps," said James, peering up at the tall trees.
The air felt thick and heavy, the branches seemed to vie with each other to block out the sunlight, suffocating. Thick moss, grey and faded, clung to everything, dried twigs and branches snapped loudly beneath their feet, disturbing the numerous birds whose harsh cries filled the air, as though spying on them, he thought, three or four calls with a short pause in between.
"Carrion crow," he said quietly, moving closer to Lily.
Lily gave him a quizzical look.
"That's their distinctive call, and deeper than an ordinary crow or rook," he added.
"Is there anything you guys don't know?" grumbled Frank, shooting James a friendly grin.
"Nope," James grinned back.
He moved closer to Lily, protectively, feeling a threat in the fabric of the forest, ancient memories, secret and forbidding. He had transfigured the portkey into a muggle leather bracelet, insignificant and worthless to any potential Death-Eaters, which he had placed on Lily's wrist despite her protestations.
"They must be here somewhere," Frank whispered, holding his wand aloft. "If we just keep walking, we'll increase the chances of them seeing us."
"Let's split up, I'll hide in there," Lily said, pointing to a decrepit, large pine, whose gnarly trunk was rotting and held space for one person. "You two get on higher ground. We can all see the road from here. If you spot anything dangerous, send your signal."
James' was an owl hooting, Lily's was the snort of a frightened deer, Frank's was the harsh screech of a magpie.
"Alright," James said, turning to look at Lily, feeling awkward and unsure. "Take care, please."
"You too," Lily said, her face unreadable.
"I'm glad Alice isn't on call today," Frank whispered after a pause, as they moved on carefully. "We just found out she's pregnant. Bit of a shock really. Took us ages to figure it out, despite her feeling nauseated for a couple of weeks, being off her food, feeling dizzy and tired, you name it!"
He looked excited and pleased.
"Frank!" said James. "Wow, that's… that's brave of you, and rather wonderful news."
He didn't know what to say.
He stopped short.
Took us ages to figure it out, despite her feeling nauseated for a couple of weeks, being off her food, feeling dizzy and tired, you name it!
The night of Sirius' twentieth Birthday. They had both forgotten to cast a contraceptive charm. Could that explain…?
"Frank, I forgot something, I need to run back to Lily, go ahead!" James said.
"You okay?" Frank said, seeing James' face turn grey.
But he was already gone.
…..
"Lily!" James said, catching his breath.
"What is it?" Lily said, wand ready to shoot.
"Lily, have you done a pregnancy charm?"
"A what?"
"To see if you're pregnant?"
"No, why?"
They stared at each other for a moment. Understanding dawned on her.
"James," said Lily, her green eyes searching his anxiously.
"Let me," James whispered, taking hold of his wife's slender wrist and turning her palm upwards, he pointed his wand tip at her pulse point. "Gravidam!"
They both watched as James' wand tip glowed green.
"Fuck," he said hoarsely, staring at her.
"What does that mean, James?" Lily said.
"It means… it means you're pregnant," James said, running a hand through his hair in agitation. "Fucking bloody fucking…"
Lily's eyes were wide as his words sank in. As his reaction sank in. She turned away from him and swiped hastily at the tears that fell down her cheeks silently.
"We need to…" James said urgently. "Fucking Merlin… fuck, fuck, fuck!"
"I'm sorry, alright?" Lily's voice broke as she spoke, her lower lip trembling. "I should have been more careful. I didn't mean this to happen now, God I really didn't mean this to… I understand if that's how you feel, James, but I-"
"What?" James said, turning her around to face him and taking her face in his hands tenderly. "Lily, Merlin, I don't mean –"
The screech of a magpie rent the air and they both jumped.
"Incarcerous!" numerous voices shouted, as thick ropes coiled themselves swiftly around them, James' wand dropping to the floor.
"Expelliarmus!" a recognisable voice added, James' wand flying through the air. "Where's the other one's wand?"
"Mulciber," James said, the blood draining from his face.
"I said, where's your wand, bitch?" Mulciber said, grabbing Lily by the throat.
"I dropped it earlier on," Lily rasped, staring back at him defiantly. "I can't find it."
"Accio Lily Evans' wand!" Mulciber ordered, pointing his wand at Lily.
Nothing happened.
"Told you," Lily said, raising an arched brow at him.
"Grab hold of them and set anti-apparition wards around them! And get them to de Soulis castle****, now!" Mulciber said to the other Death-Eaters who surrounded them. "The Dark Lord will be very disappointed to find that it isn't Sirius Black we have captured, just a useless blood-traitor and a vile mudblood. The information we received must have been incorrect."
"Shut the fuck up, Mulciber!" James sprang forwards in fury.
"Quiet!" Mulciber said, coming right up in front of Lily and grabbing hold of her Jacket collar. "Or she gets hurt."
James swallowed.
I tried to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I tried to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'Cause boys don't cry
….
The weathered remains of the castle loomed, malevolent, as they crossed the bridge over the moat. Fragments of a tower emerged, the holes in its walls reminiscent of a skull. While the forest around it was dry and parched, wilting and unseasonably warm, as they neared the castle gates mist descended on them. The inside of the castle felt damp and cold. Much colder. Mulciber's breath condensed in front of him as he spoke, frost clung to the corners of the walls, there were no windows in the great hall.
He had seen this room before…
The heavy double doors leading into the main banqueting hall swung open, and four men entered, none of their faces were masked.
"Villiers, Wilkes, Rosier, Snape," said Mulciber, with a cold laugh. "Your very closest allies, I believe? I failed to retrieve the disowned Black heir, but I found these."
Villiers and Wilkes giggled. Silence descended as another figure entered the room, the five men bowing immediately. Muciber pushed James and Lily forcefully and they fell forwards onto their knees. James watched as Voldemort approached slowly, with a gleeful expression. He zoned in on Snape, Snape who was watching Lily with terror on his face, before carefully schooling it into neutral.
The room.
Mc Gonagall's grim tones echoed in his mind.
"So, a group of Death Eaters, who appear to have captured Lily Evans, in an unidentified location?"
Divination class. His vision.
"Lily," he said quietly, speaking through his teeth. "Do you trust me to get us out?"
He was sure Voldemort could hear his heart pounding.
"If you have an idea, I'm all in," Lily murmured, watching Voldemort as he drew nearer.
"Leave it to me," he whispered.
Taking a deep breath, he turned and locked eyes with Severus Snape.
"Fuck you, Severus Snape! You absolute bastard! Stay the fuck away from my wife, do you hear? Don't you dare go near her, you fucking piece of shit! I despise you, Snivellus! You fucking coward! Bastard cursed Death Eater! Stay the fuck away from her or I'll kill you with my bare hands!" James screamed.
...
In canon, Sirius has short hair in the photo of the first Order of the Phoenix.
I looked up probable date of conception for someone born on 31st July 1980 and guess what came up? Yep…
*Enda is a traditional Irish name that is used by men and women
**South Foreland Lighthouse – near the white cliffs of Dover, there is a walk from the Langdon Cliffs to the lighthouse.
*** See A Crush on an Auror for details.
****I've based the Death-Eater stronghold on Hermitage Castle, described as "the guardhouse of the bloodiest valley in Britain", on the border between Scotland and England. It has the reputation of being one of the most haunted castles in Britain. A former resident, the loathed William de Soulis, was reportedly a very evil man who practised dark magic, kidnapped local children and killed a knight who had saved his life by stabbing him in the back during dinner. Those living nearby say at night the screams of de Soulis' victims can still be heard.
Did anyone spot the Pride & Prejudice lines I nicked?
And the sort of quote from Yes Minister?
Notes:
To everyone reading this and especially those of you kind enough to leave feedback and comments - thank you so so much! I've really loved writing this in 2019 and I will get it finished in 2020. I write because I enjoy it but also because it helps me if I'm stressed and worried due to family illness mostly, and you have all motivated me to keep writing this and really cheered me up so much with your messages! Thanks for sticking with this marauders fic, it's bloody massive!