CHAPTER 38:

Holding on to anger

Jay was shaking real bad. In all the time he had spent in the palace, it was his first time seeing any member of the royal family getting into a fight —a real one, not their usual playful remarks. Zane was mad, and so was Cole. Neither of the boys was to give in to the other's point of view. Both spouses seemed to stand their ground firmly, with convincing arguments. Cole had wanted to help, either for Kai or Jay's sake, but in doing so it seemed he had only made matters worse. Zane's stressed persona let out that Kai's anguish wasn't a simple tantrum, the boy was truly devastated, desperate to the point he couldn't reach out for help anymore. Kai probably just wanted to close his eyes and never wake up again if it meant his heart would stop hurting once and for all.

Jay recalled what had happened in the living room a few minutes ago, the monarch had gone nuts ever since the moment their gazes locked. The anxiety as the boy had punched the door and screamed to be released from the makeshift prison had taken no time to reach Jay and filter through his skin. At first, he'd been afraid, it reminded him of that moment in Kai's room when the Maharaja had stared at him, anger boiling in his veins right before he tackled Jay to the floor and threatened him.

But this was different. Rather than menacing, Kai had looked horribly frightened, terrified and with no control over the situation. When the boy had sat down on the floor with his back pressed against the door, Jay had felt the immediate need to run to him, aid him as he would do with an injured animal, then stopped as soon as Kai looked at him again. The tears he saw in the boy's eyes had left Jay stunned, his feet anchored to the spot beside the couch. Why would the boy cry?

Then Kai's confession had only made things more confusing. He had 'apologized' but certainly not the way Jay had expected. Kai's justification had been a mix of acknowledging his own guilt plus putting part of the blame on Jay as well. A strange mix that didn't quite determine if Kai was honestly repentant of his acts.

"Kai doesn't take rejection well! He's terrified of it!"

Zane's recrimination to the ex-soldier struck Jay hard as if the words had been aimed at him, and it only added to the revelation that had been cooking in his mind; that night —that damn fateful night— Kai had opened his heart to Jay. His true heart, the one that held all the people he cared for, the one that had been broken and reattached probably more times than Cole had let on. And Jay had stabbed it, unintentionally, but still harmed it with hateful words, the same words that had been used to break Kai's mind since he was a child, to devalue him as a person.

Kai hadn't acted on mere rage that time, but rather pure survival instinct, like a scared creature, like he had been doing minutes ago as he begged Cole to open the door and let him escape the nightmare of having his heart crushed again by someone who hadn't tried to understand him.

You judged him from the start, like his dad.

Jay's thoughts about gay people were still all over the place, but he was enough of a decent person to understand that no one should be blamed for being who they were. Jay's heart squeezed painfully. He'd been made fun of as a child: for being skinny, for having freckles, clear eyes, for his peculiar laughter, any detail about him had been enough excuse for the occasional morons he encountered in his hometown.

You judged him and hurt him.

And suddenly the only solution to this mess became crystal clear to the boy.

Jay could still hear the royal spouses quarrel as he sneaked out of the place and reached the doors to Kai's room. The guards at the front looked at him uncertainly, the monarch hadn't given orders to be left alone, but the men knew he was 'in a mood' at the very least. The guardians took pity of Jay and let him in. Only the royal family was aware of the true nature of the events they were facing, but the workers at the palace had drawn their own conclusion and knew it involved the Maharaja and his long-time guest.

Jay crossed the threshold and was flabbergasted to see the monarch lying on the bed, sobs and whimpers coming out of him as his shoulders bobbed.

"Get out, Zane..."

Although the boy probably had meant for the order to sound more convincing, his voice broke amidst the cries. Jay looked back and stared at the guard behind him one last time, then pushed the door softly until it closed again. His footsteps got muffled by the carpet and he stood near the foot of the bed, throat closing with tension. In the other room, it had been easy to imagine himself coming there to speak to Kai. But now, looking at the boy's shaky figure sinking in the large bed, everything turned a lot more difficult. Was that what Kai was feeling too? Wishing to put an end to his misery but unable to face the road to the solution? Was he really… scared of Jay?

"It's… It's not Zane," he mumbled.

Kai gasped and turned on his back, startled as he recognized the owner of the voice. Their gazes locked for a second then Kai averted his glossy eyes to the bed, gripping the pillow underneath him.

"What are you doing here?" He murmured.

"I…" Jay hesitated, he squeezed his fingers in his palms nervously, digits tugging at each other and rubbing as his words tried to find the way to his lips.

"Leave…" Kai murmured, face still looking down. "Please…"

"Kai-" Jay moved forward.

"Don't come any closer!" The Maharaja yelled and Jay flinched, startled by the pain in his voice.

"Please, Jay…" Kai's body curled up, arms wrapping around his legs as he moved up on the bed and pressed hard against the headboard. "I don't want to hurt you again…"

The way Kai was avoiding any contact with him almost made Jay retrace his steps and forget about this thing. Forget about this damn family and just walk away, let the king handle his problems his own way. But he couldn't. Staring at the boy, curled into a shaky ball, Jay couldn't but remember their encounter in the living room.

'I'm sorry for thinking we could have something special.'

Emotion squeezed Jay's heart and tears stung the back of his eyes. Kai wasn't just terrified of rejection —he was heartbroken. And while Jay knew he could never reciprocate Kai's feelings for him, it wasn't his way to abandon a hopeless soul at its worst moments. Zane had tried his best, and so did Cole but neither of their methods had seemed to make a difference in the monarch.

Maybe because this has always been between you and him.

Jay took a deep breath and licked his lips. This would never get solved unless he offered Kai the only thing he was needing the most at the moment.

"I'm sorry too." Jay's voice cracked at the end. When he gathered enough courage to look at Kai again he found the boy's face had risen from his knees and was staring at him perplexed.

Jay ventured and very slowly took a couple of steps forward, he stopped when he sensed Kai's shoulders going tense again. Jay's eyes went down to his fidgety hands. "I'm sorry for what I said to you and for… hitting you with that box. I was scared, I didn't mean to hurt you or… bring back any hurtful memories." He spoke slow then added again as if to confirm the truth in his words, "I'm sorry."

Kai watched him intently, tears cascading free down his cheeks. With tiny steps, Jay eventually rounded the bed and sat down on the mattress beside Kai. The sovereign was gripping his head, his disheveled hair tangling around his fingers as he tugged at the brown strands hard enough to pull a few of them off. Kai wasn't recoiling as evidently anymore, but neither did he seem to be ready to reach out to Jay or allow the boy to touch him. He just cried and cried.

Jay started to doubt his own judgment. Maybe, like Cole, he was just making a bigger mess by coming to see Kai and talk to him directly, maybe the boy did need his time to process whatever was on his mind before he and Jay could even have a civilized conversation and-

"How can you…"

Jay blinked and returned his focus to the whimpering boy next to him. Kai's face was up from his knees just a fraction, Jay could barely see his eyes, but it was enough to sense the deep fear and pain in the hazel orbs.

"What?"

Kai swallowed audibly. "How can you apologize to me? After what I did... How can you just…?" Kai choked on a sob, losing his voice.

'How?' Jay had asked the same thing to himself over the last few hours several times.

He supposed to someone else it would seem foolish to forgive the Maharaja for the events that had taken place after the party some nights ago. Over the last few days, Jay had spent too much time hating the boy, convincing himself that he was indeed a filthy monster who deserved no compassion. But he had lived long enough and surrounded himself of enough wisdom to know that most things in life weren't just black or white.

Abhorring Kai for what the boy had done in a moment of confusion and distress was, at the very least, unfair. And rather hypocrite, too, given how patient this family had been with Jay on his first days at the palace while he displayed nothing but hostility towards them. Damn it, he had spat at the king's face and yet Kai hadn't been bothered by the offense in the slightest, it rather amused him. Jay smiled inwardly at the memory. It felt like a lifetime ever since he saw Kai smiling goofily at him, and it warmed his chest to think about that smile.

"My dad says…" Jay started, looking away for a moment, pondering on the weight of his next words before they left his lips. "'Holding on to anger is like trying to throw a hot rock —only you get burned.'" He paused and his eyes went back to Kai, the proverb slow but surely sinking in the young sovereign. His facial expression morphed from pain to confusion, and then bewilderment.

"Kai, I don't want to be mad at you anymore," Jay resumed. "And I don't want you to be mad at me. It all hurts too much, it hurts Cole and the others too… I don't want to live with that feeling inside." His hand went up to his chest, palm flattened over his heart as he felt it beating hard and fast. "Forgive me for what I said..."

Kai stared at him deadpanned, Jay saw his eyes slowly filling with more tears before the liquid became too much and spilled over the edges of the eyelids. The brunette buried his face in his hands one more time, strangled cries dying in his throat as his teeth clenched hard.

"K-Kai…" Jay stuttered, fearing his apology hadn't had a good effect on the other boy. He went to grab his hand, only managing to brush a finger on the caramel skin when he was suddenly engulfed in warm, shaky arms. Kai's hands went around his back, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. Jay stilled with a gasp as Kai's head fell on his shoulder and his hot breath brushed his neck.

"I'm sorry…" The young man whimpered. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" He repeated time after time, his body trembling so bad it was starting to affect Jay as well. He stretched his arms over Kai and wrapped them carefully around the boy, feeling him tense and flinch with more sobs. "I swear I never wanted to hurt you! I don't regret saving you at all! I- I… Oh, God!"

Without any apparent reason, the tears that rolled down Kai's face and wetted Jay's neck were like a catalyst for the royal guest, calling for more companions. Jay bit his lips as he felt the salty liquid reach down to his mouth and rubbed his hands up and down Kai's back.

"Please, Jay... don't hate me… Don't- Don't go… Please, I need you… I love you…"

Jay's heart skipped a beat at the confession. Kai's plea was so full of agony that Jay couldn't even try to fight the request. His head leaned in deeper onto Kai's neck and he murmured, "It's okay. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

Kai burst into a new fit of sobs, groaning and choking himself as he tried to keep them under control, hugging Jay with all his strength. Jay's throat worked painfully at what he'd just agreed to without a second thought, but… he felt different. There wasn't fear in his heart anymore, no more anguish about what if's, no more wondering who was wrong or right, oppressing his chest and making it painful to breathe. Just two boys, two friends that had almost lost each other due to a chain of unfortunate events and nightmares that had been dragged on for way too long.

But even the longest nightmares always come to an end.

The Maharaja clung to Jay for dear life and only softened his grip when he felt the boy twisting gently. Kai followed Jay's gaze and looked over his shoulder. Green and blue eyes coming to rest on the three royal spouses who stood still by the entrance to the chamber, eyes wide in disbelief.

Thank you very much for reading
Don't be shy to leave a review! Your support helps me to stay motivated!
Remember to fav/follow if you're enjoying the story and see you on the next update! (≧∇≦)/