I couldn't stop fidgeting. It was easy enough to hide in the folds of my dark blue chiffon a-line skirt, but it was amplifying all my needless panic. The house lights darkened, spotlights swung toward the stage and the velvet, red curtains pulled back to reveal a surprisingly professional-looking set. Some of the girls, in full period piece costumes, stumbled out in front of the crowd and the audience seemed to take a collective breath of anticipation.
Instinctively I leaned my knee into Stellan's leg. The theater was packed with parents and an unnecessary amount of press for such a trivial event. But this small touch wasn't for the cameras, it was a genuine one. I could read his own anxiety in the lines of his shoulders and the sharp focus of his eyes on the stage. We'd been running lines with Anya every weekend for the past three months in preparation for today. We cleared our schedules just for this. He pressed his leg back into my knee and I glanced up to see a nervous smirk slowly form on his face. I had the urge to trace it, but stopped myself and pulled my knee back where it belonged. The line I kept drawing between us because...I still wasn't ready.
Anya sauntered onto the stage, her costume gracefully flowing behind her and I felt myself suck in a nervous breath and hold it - until the curtains closed again. It was a short little play, one of the cardboard towers had fallen over in the middle of a monologue, most of the children weren't very good. But in my proud, and strangely maternal, eyes Anya was perfect. The whole crowd stood clapping and shouting bravo's and brava's, tossing long-stemmed roses onto the stage. The children grabbed hands and took several mistimed bows together. As the curtains started to swing closed Anya gave us a wave and the biggest smile I'd ever seen. The love swelled in my chest to the point of almost bursting. But it popped as soon as Stellan's hand slid into position, mid-back, to gently guide me out toward our waiting group.
At first, I had appreciated it. He remained extremely respectful of my space after...everything. But now it always just left me a little heartbroken. I remembered how his fingers felt cinching around my hips, how his palm would press into the small of my back, how possessive and sexy it felt. Now his touch could be any member of my security staff. But before I could torture myself into another bad mood with that line of thinking Colette quickly capture my arm to whisk me away.
I was eternally grateful to her. She was my built-in excuse to fabricate space from everyone in the aftermath of the Leap Year ball. There had been a lot to sort out and work through. It was still a little touchy to get the four of us in a room together without some kind of mediator. Which was why Colette had basically been living at Riberton for the past three months. But I was surprised to find that today I was actually a little irritated by her interference. There hadn't been a situation that necessitated Stellan being next to me, let alone touching me, for a full week now. And it was confusing and intense to realize that I actually missed it. I wasn't sure what that meant.
But I let myself be led away as Colette's praises mixed with Luc's chatter as he fell in step with Stellan behind me. From the corner of my eye, I caught Jack and Elodie catching up with Luc's new Keeper and this odd feeling started to spread over me. I pulled out my phone to check the date and smirked to myself. I'd been feeling restless for the two weeks leading up to this. I'd been associating it with nerves for Anya's performance, but the constant updates pinging on my phone the last couple days finally solidified it all together. Prom. It was my senior prom tonight.
All of my old Lakehaven friends had been reposting the grainy pictures of me and remembering that crazy night. It had been exactly one year since Jack had appeared at my school and Stellan had kidnapped me from my prom. Everyone was chatting and laughing around me but I was in shock. This restlessness I'd been feeling wasn't because something was wrong. It was that ingrained behavior my mother had drilled into me. This was when we'd usually have our big move at the end of the year. But there was absolutely no way I would leave this or any of them. It wasn't perfect, but it was finally what I had wanted. Friends. Stability. Roots. Family. If someone would have dropped a manila envelope off to me right now I would have set it on fire.
Anya's crushing hug is what finally shook me back into the present. I squeezed her back as hard as I could, petting her shiny blonde hair before she broke free from me and turned her beaming smile onto the rest of the group. Colette showered her with loud praise and launched into a critique of the play that had everyone around us eavesdropping on. When she finally stopped for some air Luc cut in to praise her next,
"Magnifique ma princessa!"
"Merci, serviteur," Anya teased back, a look of mischief plain across her face.
"Anya!" Every gasped collectively, unsure of how to react.
"Faites attention à vos mots Marie Antoinette," I cracked back, raising an eyebrow at her. Her face dropped into shock at my French. I'd been biding my time to reveal it to her, and it had paid off perfectly.
"Will you buy me a cake?" She laughed and then looked up into my face with her big puppy dog eyes to ask, "how did I do?"
"You missed a line," I honestly answered.
"I know!" She balled her little fists at her sides, the action getting lost in the puffiness of her period costume. "It flew out of my brain and I panicked. But then I took a deep breath like you told me and see!"
"Other than that you were wonderful," I added with a warm smile.
"Harsh criticism for a seven-year-old," Jack teased. But before I could get a barb in Anya was on the defense.
"I am almost eight! And Avery always gives the best advice."
"Is that so?" Elodie rose an eyebrow. Anya pursed her lips and nodded at Elodie.
"She gives better advice than even you."
She turned on her heel, quite dramatically, and sauntered off toward Stellan instead of continuing with our harassment. He'd fallen several steps behind us, lost in conversation with some other Circle Family's that were in attendance for this. I'd turned to watch her go but quickly had to look past Stellan's left shoulder to make my eyes focus on something else. I couldn't look directly at their interactions anymore. It was just too much to see the love so plainly displayed on his face for Anya. I was hoping this would be the point we could just get into our separate cars and get on with all the things we'd delayed today for this. But Anya started dragging him over with hard tugs on his navy blue suit while beckoning to all her classmates to come into our circle of security.
Our four deep security team closed ranks around us to keep out everyone but Anya's friends. She was absolutely beaming with pride to show off how well she knew Colette, and from the look on my friend's face, I could tell the feeling was mutual. Colette had been soaking up any extra Anya time she could get. She had to start the press tour for her movie in a week and would be out of our lives again for a few months. No one was thrilled with the prospect of how we were going to function without her there. Luc had started a pool on who would pull the first knife. I was contemplating if I should make a bet on myself when I felt Stellan fall into step behind me.
His hand slid right into position, mid-back, warming me up through the thin layer of my pearl white silk shirt. But instead of keeping it steadfast in the same, safe, position, he started to rub it up and down as we listened to everyone gushing about the play. It was just tiny inches of movement, so small no one else would really catch them, but I could feel every infinitesimal move. He was nervous. I knew the tell now. But I couldn't imagine what for. There was more security here than I'd ever seen, not just for our Family but for all the other Circle Family's here. I highly doubted anything bad was going to happen. For one, I wasn't wearing a ball gown.
But his hand slid further down as everyone laughed together about the set falling apart. His thumb started to make those small, quick circles right at the dip of my lower back and it stole the breath from my chest. All my concentration on the conversations around me buzzed away and I wondered - could he...no. It was probably still too early.
He'd kept his space as he'd promised, but I could see it in his eyes all the time. The hopeful, patient, bidding until I gave him some kind of indication I was ready. The truth was I had been ready, I'd even been willing that first night, but he had been right that we shouldn't force it. If we were going to try again it should happen naturally, if at all. But we were coming up on three months of this...space. I pressed the pad of my thumb into the pointy edges of my diamond ring...his diamond.
He stilled his hand and I turned to look at him. A dry swallow, a blank smile, a nod toward someone. He really did make this all look so easy, effortless. But there was something privately mischievously in knowing his hands continued to say more than his face ever would. He looked down at me then, his eyes widening in surprise to find me watching. The blue poured into me, searching my face as his eyes tightened with worry. Then he seemed to exhale all at once,
"Would you like to go to dinner with me?"
"Oh," I exhaled back.
I wasn't expecting that. Some forced joke, some barely veiled indication of his wanting, even some kind of command I'd come to expect over the last 90 days. Not this. Certainly not how my heart started beating faster in my chest. His fingers moved again, anxious, tight circles and my brain screamed at me to say anything. Don't torture the man!
I managed, "I would have."
"Right, the committee meeting." His thumb stopped and I swore I felt a fantom flutter right at my scar. I could have mistaken it. But his forced, clipped, congenial tone back confirmed his disappointment, "sorry. It slipped my mind."
His hand starts to leave and the panic seized me. I wanted to go with him. I hadn't felt that way in a really long time. Maybe we could be saved. Maybe we could rebuild. I still wasn't sure if I was rebuilding in hurricane country or solid foundation yet, but I wanted to try. Dinner. Just dinner, together, alone. If I really did want this to work I couldn't keep stringing him along in this limbo. We had to start somewhere. And if I was being honest with myself I couldn't take his smoldering looks for much longer.
I turned so I was standing right in front of him and looked up into his face, "I'll cancel it."
"You don't need to," he tried to pacify. But the hope...the hope in his eyes made everything buzz within me like it had the first time, a million years ago. I could see the hesitation in his eyes, the walls he'd been building too, how he was holding his breath like he was bracing for impact. Start with something small. I smiled,
"I want to."
A/N - For all the girls that find the answer in themselves. You are enough. Don't ever forget that.