Chapter 34: What Do You Want to Do?

Meredith stood in the room after working on him for an hour. She fought her burning tears as she stared at the buzzing machine. She took a breath and held it.

"Time of death, 15:47."

"I'm sorry Dr. Grey." The resident apologized meekly.

Meredith brushed past her and out of the room. She tore her scrub cap off and held her breath as she walked around the corner and up the narrow hall of offices. She opened the door to hers and shut it behind her. After sitting down in the large leather chair, she flipped the lamp on and placed her elbows on the desk as she buried her face in her hands.

Too much was happening today and though she was a strong person, she was finding difficulty in sorting it all out. First is first, how was she going to tell her patient's family that her simple complex procedure had killed him. They sought her out for her patient mortality rate, and she'd failed.

Now her daughter was here. A girl that she hadn't seen in nine years. Sure, she'd thought about the child over the years, but she was happy that she was well taken care of. So, why is she here? Did something happen? Did the adoptive parents not want her anymore? And how in the world could she take care of her, she could barely take care of herself.

She felt a warm tear roll down her cheek and she sniffled. She yanked her desk drawer open and pulled out a metal hole puncher, then dug into her pocket and retrieved a penny. She punched a hole in the center of it and set it on the desk. She stared at it a minute and gulped a sob down, then reached behind her neck and unclasped a small gold chain. Her hands shook with emotion as she laced the penny onto the chain. There were now five pennies on the chain….

"What's that for?" she heard in a small voice across the room.

She jumped a little as she saw a little person standing up from the couch in the back of the room, she didn't even notice her there. She eyed the odd piece of jewelry with curiosity as she stepped toward the desk.

"Um." Meredith sniffled and held the necklace up "This is what I wear to remind me to do the best job I can. It reminds me not to take my job lightly, that I have lives in my hands. And like the coins, they're worth something to somebody."

"Why pennies?"

"They're lucky." She said, "You never hear of people having a lucky quarter or a lucky nickel."

"No." Bella shook her head. Her and Meredith looked up and stared at each other for a long minute, Maddy reached for a box on her desk and nudged it to Meredith.

"Thanks." Meredith said as she grabbed a tissue and wiped her stray tears "I hate crying."

"Me too."

"So." Meredith raised her brow "You know who I am?"

Maddy nodded, "You know who I am."

"Yes." Meredith gulped. They stared at each other again for a long silent moment, each taking the other again.

"This is awkward." Bella frowned.

"Yes." Meredith let out a single giggle "It is."

"I don't know if I should be happy or sad…I'm mad."

"That's understandable." Meredith nodded "You should feel mad."

"I should?" Bella asked.

"I would be mad if I were you." Meredith said "You're probably thinking that I was selfish, that I gave you up because I didn't want to take care of you. I would be mad too."

"Is that why you gave me up?"

"I wanted to take care of you, a part of me did." Meredith replied "But I was too selfish, I would have been a bad mother. You would have been in daycare a lot since I was an a freshmen in college. So, my single selfless act as a mother was to give you to someone who could cuddle with you and love you and be there when you took your first step, when you said your first word. I was selfish, but not so selfish that I didn't have your best interest in mind."

"Ok." She nodded as she processed the information "What about now?"

"What do you mean?"

"My adoptive parents are dead." She said "It's you or the system."

Meredith let out a sigh as she folded her hands together and leaned against the desk.

"What do you want to do?"

"What?"

"When I was your age, no one ever asked me what I wanted to do." She said "So, what do you want to do?"

"Can I get a job and an apartment?"

"Legally you can't. Not until you're 18. It would be hard to find an apartment complex who will let you live there by yourself."

"That sucks."

"Any other ideas?"

"Maybe I could join the circus or something."

"You really want to join the circus?"

"I don't know." She shrugged "I just want to be somewhere I'm wanted."

Meredith felt her cold bitchy heart crack a little. Sure, she didn't feel like a mother, or anything close to it. She thought that Bella was in good hands, but those hands died. And this is life took her around, she had to do something. Because if she did nothing, she would be doing the same thing she feared all along. Of being a detached mother like her own.

"You're wanted." Meredith mumbled "I'm still swallowing the idea that you're here. I think we both need time. But don't…. don't think you're not wanted."

"Well." She shrugged "That Derek guy is pretty nice."

"Yes he is." She smiled.

"And pretty hot for an old guy."