Author's note:
Hey all!
Glad to be updating after that massive cliffy. ;)
I wanted to give you a heads up that there's a short, relatively vague description of child abuse in this chapter. I marked the beginning and the end with "**." So if you're triggered by that, skip right over it.
Bon appetit.
In the oppressive silence, Sasuke heard the pounding in his chest acutely. Naruto was gone. He was alone. Hands trembling, Sasuke picked up his cell phone. A sent text to Deidara still displayed on the screen.
Yes, I'm home. And never fucking call Sasuke that again.
He grabbed his phone, knuckles white. He nearly threw it against the wall. At the last minute, he redirected to the bed, chucking the phone onto the indigo comforter with full force.
"FUCK!"
He shouted as the rage and regret flowed through his system. He knew it. He knew he'd hurt Naruto. Why did he have to ruin everything he touched?
"Fuck!"
It took all of Sasuke's willpower to restrain himself from laying waste to his apartment. He wanted to slam his lamp against the wall. He wanted to destroy things. Anything would be better than just standing here, clenching his teeth and fists as Naruto slipped farther and farther away from him.
What could he do now? Pacing and swearing to himself, he wondered if he should look for Naruto. But where would he go? He had no leads. He tried to play the piano, making error after error. He couldn't even look at Ally; the spruce guitar reminded him of Naruto too much. He kept expecting Naruto to show up, but minutes became hours.
Of course, Naruto left his cell phone by their bed. That idiot hadn't grabbed a single thing before he stormed out the door. Where was he now? He was crying when he left. Was he okay? What if…
No. Not again.
Sasuke's breath came far too quickly, each inhale shallow. His legs were weak, and he quickly sat on his piano bench. His fingertips grew numb. His entire chest like as tight as a vice, he held his hand to his heart. He focused on the way his hand moved with each of his inhales and exhales. He knew what this was. He had to keep his cool. He counted the keys on his piano, one after another. They were white and black. White and black. Two black. A gap. Inhale. Three black. A gap. Exhale.
His breaths were longer now. Closing his eyes, he deeply inhaled. He had no reason to catastrophize. Naruto was stronger than that.
Calmer now, he called Kiba, who had also had no idea where Naruto was. Sasuke hadn't meant to concern him, but he had no other choice. He called Sakura. She didn't answer. In all this chaos, he only now remembered he was undressed. He removed his towel and threw on some pants, his body urging him to look for Naruto. He wracked his mind for any place Naruto might have gone for some solitude. Where was he? The weather forecast said it might rain tonight. Was Naruto still crying, with no one to hold him? Was he safe?
Then his cell phone rang. Deidara.
"Hi," Sasuke said.
This was bound to be an awkward conversation, given Naruto's parting text.
"Sasuke, have you seen your texts?"
Sasuke sighed.
"Yeah."
"Is...everything okay?"
Sasuke paused and sighed.
"No, but it will be."
"Fuck, I'm sorry. It's so ironic that it's almost absurd."
That night, Sasuke pushed Deidara to the brink. It exhilarated Sasuke to lay waste to Deidara's body, with crops, whips, and fire. Despite Deidara's prowess and confidence, he became a whimpering, shivering, obedient slave under Sasuke's ministrations.
Yet Sasuke found himself facing a mental block, unable to finally climax. The only thing he could think about was Naruto. If he looked at him with lidded eyes, Deidara's blond hair made it so that he could almost pretend. Then, the word "Naruto" escaped Sasuke's lips.
It had to have been one of the most mortifying moments in his life. Deidara was enjoying the moment too much to let Sasuke stop, but it didn't keep Deidara from teasing him about it afterward. He'd said it was almost sad how head over heels he was for this guy. A regular lover boy. For the first time in their friendship, Deidara found a way to fluster Sasuke. He wouldn't let it go.
"I tried to explain it, but he wasn't ready to hear me."
He heard Deidara sigh over the line.
"If I'd stopped bothering you with that nickname, this never would've happened."
Sasuke would've loved to believe that. The only problem was that it wasn't true. Yes, the fight was catalyzed by Deidara's text, but it wasn't just about the fact that Sasuke slept with Deidara. This wasn't the first time that Naruto complained about him being secretive. Keeping people at a distance was one of the things Sasuke did best. It had served him well.
"No, it's not your fault."
"Is there anything I can do?" Deidara asked, soon after pouting. "At least let me ease my guilt."
"Cut the melodrama. He'll-"
Several quick but loud bangs on his door. Naruto?
"Have to go, bye."
He hung up without a second thought, quickly closing the space between him and his peephole. The instant he saw that familiar head of pink hair on the other side, he opened the door, sighing with relief. It was Sakura.
"What-" Sasuke started.
"What the fuck did you do to him?" Sakura said, walking into Sasuke's apartment and slamming the door behind her. He supposed he couldn't blame her for being angry.
"First, is Naruto okay?"
Sakura had clearly come for blood. Before dealing with her, he needed to know this.
"No, he's not fucking okay!" Sakura shouted. "He's crying in my apartment! My roommate is staying with him so I can come here and beat your ass!"
Sakura lunged toward him, grabbing at Sasuke's chest only for him to slip back and evade her.
"What the fuck, Sakura?"
It was really coming to this? They were adults. What need was there to get violent?
Then again, he remembered decking that protester in the face a couple of days ago. Naruto was suffering so much. When he saw how badly that man had hurt him, he could hardly control himself.
"Ha, you're trying to get away now, aren't you?" Sakura said. "Face me like a fucking man, you coward."
Sakura aimed for his face with a cross, but Sasuke ducked, taking another step back. Sasuke could see why so many people at boot camp had been afraid of Sakura. She certainly didn't fuck around.
"Jesus Christ, use your words."
It was like trying to tame a feral animal.
"Words?" Sakura said, laughing. "Fuck you, you fucking cheater. How are those for words?"
She walked one step closer to Sasuke, clearly hoping that he'd step back. He refused to acquiesce.
"I never cheated on him. We were in an open relationship."
"So Naruto says."
Sakura took another step closer to him. Had this been someone else, the situation would've been simple enough. Yet he so clearly remembered "never hit a woman" being drilled into his head from an early age.
Especially given that Sakura was Naruto's friend, he refused to lay a finger on her, even if it meant getting decked in the face. Her rage came from concern, but Sasuke's patience was wearing thin. He'd have to make do with dodging.
"Yes. He says it because it's fucking true. Did that ever occur to you?"
Yet another step closer to him.
"Leave," he commanded, pointing at his front door.
Sakura ran for Sasuke now. God, what was there to do? He ran behind his couch, Sakura in front of it now. It was a welcome barricade. They stood and faced each other, the couch resting between them.
"Are you fucking psychotic?" Sasuke shouted.
"I'm not leaving without punching you in the face at least once."
He'd take that as a yes. Sakura ran toward one end of the couch, while Sasuke made his way to the other. Sakura reversed, which Sasuke quickly imitated. It reminded Sasuke of a game Itachi used to play with him when he was hardly old enough to read. He couldn't believe that he'd found himself in this situation as an adult. It appeared that they were at a stalemate.
Or at least that was the case before Sakura lunged right over the couch, one foot on the cushion and another on the back of it. Sasuke couldn't help the shock that displayed on his face, but he supposed it figured. She was a Marine, after all. He sprinted away from the couch and grabbed the umbrella by his closet. He held it out to her, keeping her at a distance with it.
"Stop treating me like an animal!"
He was playing the part of the lion tamer, but whose fault was that? Sakura circled around him.
"Then stop acting like one!"
Sakura feigned a move forward, and Sasuke blocked her with the umbrella. When Sakura finally went for him, Sasuke had but a split second to press the button on the umbrella's handle to fully expand it. It was now his shield.
After being pushed back, Sakura rammed right into it the top of the umbrella. She grabbed the side of its cloth and attempted to fling it out of the way; Sasuke held it firmly. She circled around Sasuke, finally finding an entrance and wrestling the umbrella from Sasuke's hands. The bathroom door was right beside Sasuke. Lunging in, he slammed and locked the door behind him. He'd not an instant to spare, her fist angrily slamming against the door.
"Get out of my apartment, you fucking lunatic!"
In the scramble, he hadn't had time to grab his cell phone. Fuck.
"You can't hide forever. Face me!"
Sasuke sighed, sliding his back down the door as he sat, finally closing his eyes and resting his head in his palm. He was so profoundly exhausted. He heard a baby from the floor beneath them wail. Just great. Now his neighbors would complain. As if his fight with Naruto weren't bad enough, now he had this to contend with. It was too ludicrous for words.
"Does Naruto even know your roommate? While you waste your time yelling at me, you could've been comforting him."
"No," Sakura practically snarled. "You don't get to play that card."
The implication that Sasuke didn't care about Naruto pissed him off. She had no idea who he was or what they'd gone through together.
"I'm not 'playing' at anything. You're satiating your own anger at his expense."
He couldn't deny that he'd done this as well, but it didn't make his statement any less true.
"Really? You're the one who caused him to be upset in the first place."
It hurt because she was right. Naruto was going through hell, and Sasuke would do whatever he could to save him from it.
Only there was no saving. This was something Naruto had to face, but he wanted to make things easier for him, not harder. Seconds passed, and remarkably, Sakura didn't make a sound.
"You really are good at dodging," Sakura finally scoffed.
"I…" Sasuke paused. "I tried so hard not to hurt him. I actually thought I might be able to help, if you can believe it."
Sasuke was staring at the ground. Maybe his former nature would catch up to him soon. Maybe he'd distance Naruto, just as he had everyone else. He fought the urge to feel sorry for himself, which was such a rare struggle for him. He was the perpetrator, not the victim. Sometimes it felt as though he was at war with himself.
"I know you're trying," Sakura replied in a softer voice. "But why did you do that?"
He was tempted to tell her that their relationship was none of her business. However, Naruto was her close friend, and she understandably wanted to know that he's in good hands.
"Just know that I wasn't ready to commit and still had misgivings, and I made that clear to Naruto. I needed time to explore myself, so I could commit without doubts."
The resulting silence told him that he was finally getting somewhere with Sakura.
"But now, I have committed. I could never even look at anyone else. I know he's suffering after everything that happened to him, and…" Sasuke sighed. "I don't know what to do about it."
He hadn't foreseen himself being so open with Sakura. Maybe his exhaustion was dulling his inhibitions. Maybe it was that this was Naruto's best friend, and she could have some insight into the situation that even he lacked. She'd fought abroad too, after all.
"He knows you're hiding things, and I'm not just talking about this guy. He worries about you."
That was the very thing he wished to avoid.
"There's no reason for him to worry about me. I'm fine."
"Sasuke… Naruto is not stupid, nor am I."
Had Sakura seen through him herself, or was it based on information from Naruto? Either way, it was extremely unsettling. He never let Sakura in. She barely even knew him. It made him want to lash out, but he bit his tongue.
"You want him to tell you what he's thinking, but you won't do the same. You expect him to make himself vulnerable to you while you wall yourself off. That's not fair."
Sasuke mulled her words over. Naruto had been an open book from the start; Sasuke never asked Naruto for any of that information. But perhaps it was unnerving to know comparatively little about someone who knows so much about you. Sasuke never meant to do this.
"And the alternative is better?" Sasuke asked, unable to keep the frustration out of his tone. "Why would I tax him with my issues when his head is hardly above water?"
"It is better. Naruto is strong. He just wants you to let him in."
Sasuke found himself thinking that had Naruto never been deployed, he would've known far more about him by now. It wasn't his intent to omit truths for so long. It was just difficult to bare all when they only spoke for about an hour each week at best. Now that Naruto had returned, there were so many things going on that Sasuke found silence to be the best strategy.
"I'll consider that."
"You'd better," Sakura said in a tone not entirely devoid of playfulness.
Sasuke counted the seconds and thought deeply on his next words.
"If I open this door, do you promise to stay calm?"
"Fine," Sakura said with a huff.
He unlocked the door and opened it, finding Sakura leaning back against the wall. Relief washed over him.
"Sorry…" Sakura mumbled, gazing at the ground. "It's just… He's hurting over this when all of these horrible things have happened to him. I just lost it."
"Forget it," Sasuke shrugged. "I was pretty mad at myself too."
Sakura smirked.
"Naruto told me you decked this protester that gave him trouble back in DC."
"I did."
Though that had only upset Naruto more at the time.
"Thanks," Sakura said. "I just wish I could've been there to see the terrified look on his face."
Sasuke snickered.
"So…" Sakura began. "Are we good?"
"Maybe," he said, tilting his head. "I need a favor."
"What?" Sakura asked tentatively.
"Stay with Naruto until he's ready to talk to me. Tell him I miss him and want him to come home."
Sakura gave him a soft smile that he'd never seen on her lips before.
"I can do that."
It relieved him to know that Naruto would be in good hands. At least he'd no longer fear the worst.
"Then we're good. Here," Sasuke said, walking into the kitchen and handing Sakura Naruto's cell phone. "Bring this back to him."
"Okay."
Sakura left, now walking toward the front door.
"One last thing. If you ever cheat on him, I'll come back and break your jaw. You got that?"
He believed her. Sakura really was something else.
"I'd deserve it."
"Don't you forget it," Sakura said with a smile, finally leaving and shutting the door behind her.
The resulting silence hit him hard. He hoped Sakura would get back soon and give Naruto his cell. He knew Naruto was being taken care of, but he just wanted to hear his voice. He just wanted to hold him again. It couldn't come soon enough.
He hadn't wanted Sakura to leave to "have a word" with Sasuke. He knew it'd only make things worse, but he wasn't in the right frame of mind to fight her on it. An hour passed, and then another. It was already half past ten, but the city never slept. His mother always told him to never go to bed angry. He didn't know if he could bear a night away from Sasuke after all that had happened.
After all, what had Sasuke really done wrong? He couldn't blame Sasuke for not promising years of commitment to someone he'd only known a matter of weeks, especially given that Sasuke had never been in a romantic relationship before. He was still exploring himself, and to be blunt, they really didn't know each other that well despite their chemistry.
The only thing he'd omitted was the fact that Deidara was the person he'd slept with. Sasuke justified that the information would only upset him, which was true. But more than that, there was a pattern of concealment with Sasuke. Despite all that Sasuke divulged, Naruto knew that there were so many things he had yet to learn.
It intrigued and fascinated him, but it also left him feeling insecure. Sasuke had seen his most vulnerable and embarrassing moments. What must he think of him? He supposed he couldn't blame Sasuke for omitting when Naruto couldn't even seem to handle the unavoidable aspects of his new reality. Then why did he feel so resentful?
He announced to Sakura that he'd be leaving, hailing a taxi. It had stopped raining just a couple minutes ago, the sky dark and cloudy. He spent the entire ride staring out the window and feeling stupid, the sound of tires on fresh rain breaking the silence. Sasuke wasn't the type of person who would cheat on him and leave him. He remembered how long Sasuke had slept in his room in Landstuhl, stuck on that stiff chair. Sasuke couldn't hide his exhaustion, but never once did he complain.
He didn't know whether he felt more excited, humiliated, or scared as he rode the elevator up to Sasuke's room. Would Sasuke be angry? Would things be the same between them after this? Only seconds after he rapped on the door, it opened.
"Thank god," Sasuke said, bringing in Naruto for a hug.
Sasuke barely caught Naruto's eyes before doing this. He was shocked; he expected Sasuke to be at least a little angry with him. It was a long hug, and Naruto's eyes teared as Sasuke held him tightly into his body. Sasuke was still shirtless, and his skin was so warm.
"I'm sorry," Naruto breathed. "I really overreacted."
Sasuke separated from Naruto, looking into his eyes as he rested his hands on Naruto's shoulders.
"I'm sorry. I hurt you."
Naruto bit his bottom lip. It was true.
"Come in," Sasuke gestured. "Want to sit down?"
As nice as that sounded, Naruto was far too spent for that. He just wanted this tiresome day to end.
"I'm exhausted. I'd rather lie down if it's okay."
"Of course," Sasuke replied.
Naruto slipped his shoes off by the door, walking into the bedroom and collapsing. He was too tired to take his clothes off, and honestly, he didn't want to feel even more exposed than he already did. He curled up on the bed, in fetal position.
"I couldn't sleep with things like this," Naruto mumbled. "My mom always told me to never go to bed angry, and… I missed you."
He felt the weight of Sasuke's body dip the mattress beside him.
"I missed you too. You really worried me, dumbass," Sasuke replied with the ghost of a smile on his lips.
Sasuke lined his body up to Naruto's. He'd already worried Sasuke so much at this point; he couldn't help but feel guilty.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that."
"I know you didn't. The only thing that matters is that you're safe."
Safe? What exactly did Sasuke find to be a threat?
And why were his eyes tearing up again? Sasuke was still distant in some ways, so why did he have to be so kind? Naruto made a sniffling noise that he despised; it sounded so pitiful. He felt Sasuke's large hand rest on his shoulder.
"May I?"
Despite being in bed with Sasuke, he still felt alone and scared in some ways.
"Please," Naruto said softly.
Sasuke curled around Naruto, wrapping his arm over him and bringing him in tight. Naruto's body involuntarily relaxed in Sasuke's arms. God, he'd missed being held by him.
"Naruto…" Sasuke said under his breath.
His lips were so close to Naruto's ear that it was easy for Naruto to hear him.
"Hm?"
"I meant what I said. I love you, and no one could come between us."
"Then why do you let him call you Lover Boy?" Naruto asked sadly.
"It's…" Sasuke began. "It's actually a pretty embarrassing story."
As shitty as the circumstances were, Naruto couldn't help but pass up on dirt about Sasuke. It was too rare. The guy was always so composed, so it was satisfying to see him fluster.
"Really?"
He adjusted himself so that he was now facing Sasuke. Sasuke kept his arm draped over Naruto's shoulder as Naruto cast him a tentative look.
"It happened at the conference in Berlin. Deidara and I explored fire play and some edgier kinks that I hadn't done anything with in years. That part went alright."
He couldn't help but frown. He'd put that much together, but it was another thing for Sasuke to confirm it.
"But when intercourse came around, I knew I was supposed to feel aroused, and I did a little. But I couldn't stop missing you, so far away and fighting for your life. I couldn't climax."
Despite everything, the idea was both sweet and sad to him. He hated the thought of Sasuke being with someone else, but it showed how much Sasuke had missed him. He was sure it had been humiliating for Sasuke, who's normally so adept sexually, to flounder like that.
"Ah."
He appreciated the admission.
"It gets worse."
So there was more to this story? This might actually be interesting.
"Spill," Naruto prompted, an impish grin on his face now.
Sasuke squirmed, clearly struggling to continue with the story. A sadistic side of Naruto couldn't help but find that satisfying.
"I kept wishing it was you. Deidara's heavily tattooed and has paler skin than you do, but he has blond hair and blue eyes. If I squinted enough, I could pretend it was you. And that worked, up until I…"
No, he wouldn't let Sasuke stop. He was too curious now.
"Until?" Naruto urged.
Sasuke kneaded his brows with his hand. It was almost as though he was trying to conceal his face.
"Until I called out your name and finally came."
Naruto paused, his eyes wide.
No way in hell.
"You did what?!" Naruto asked before busting out into laughter.
He couldn't believe that Sasuke called out his name during sex with Deidara. That had to be the ultimate fumble, right? The idea bordered on absurd, but what reason would Sasuke have to make this up? And was he imagining it, or had Sasuke's cheeks grown a few shades pinker?
"Oh my god, you're blushing!" Naruto said, pointing at Sasuke, which only made the matter worse.
He turned another couple shades redder. It wasn't that Sasuke was blushing that deeply; his pale skin just made it a dead giveaway.
"Did he hear you?"
"It was loud."
Naruto wasn't done laughing yet, wiping away a tear under his eye. He could almost imagine it.
"Oh my god."
"Deidara thought it was funny too. Like you, if he finds something that gets under my skin, he never drops it."
Naruto kept laughing at Sasuke's expense, despite Sasuke's all too apparent humiliation. He couldn't help himself. It was just too sweet. He couldn't say he blamed Deidara. He knew firsthand how difficult it was to get Sasuke to fluster.
"What are you talking about, Snookums? I never do that!"
Naruto stopped laughing. Okay, he had it. He was calm now.
Or not. Once again, he was overwhelmed by laughter.
"Oh my god," he said again, hardly able to finish his sentence. "That's so awkward. I can't believe it!"
"He said it was sort of sad how smitten I was. So he started calling me Lover Boy because it pisses me off. There you have it."
He laughed until he finally shook his head. It was endearing watching Sasuke squirm, but he was done torturing him for now.
"Oh, Sasuke…" Naruto said, kissing Sasuke on the forehead.
"Now, let's never speak of this again."
"Aw, no fair!" Naruto almost shouted.
This was some prime dirt, which was so rare when it came to Sasuke.
"If you bring this up, I'll tell everyone that you fainted in my chair."
"Hm…" Naruto said, making a show of holding his hand to his chin pensively. "Touche."
He wished that he had been calmer earlier. He'd been irritable all day. First, he lashed out at Kiba, then Sasuke. Everything he saw reminded him of what seemed like a past life. It was bitter and sweet. If he'd allowed Sasuke to explain himself, this fight would've resolved much more peacefully.
"I'm sorry I didn't let you tell that wonderful story earlier. I was really missing out."
"And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you this much earlier," Sasuke said, allowing a few seconds to lapse. "Naruto, I really… I can't even tell you how much I love you. I know I do a shitty job of showing it sometimes. I appreciate your patience."
But wasn't that what Naruto should be saying to him? He constantly burdened Sasuke, and Sasuke never once complained.
"Nah," Naruto said, shaking his head. "I haven't exactly been a ray of sunshine either lately. You've done so much for me. I have no reason to complain."
Sasuke furrowed his brow.
"Just because I support you doesn't mean that there aren't issues in our relationship. This wasn't just about Deidara."
He was surprised that Sasuke persisted, even after he'd been given an out. He was facing this head-on.
"No, but I was gonna let you off the hook. I feel like such an ass for making a huge scene and storming out after everything you've done for me. It was my insecurity talking. I know you'd never leave me."
"You don't…" Sasuke said, averting his eyes and looking down at the sheets. "You shouldn't let it go. I keep asking you to share things with me, but then I close myself off."
Hearing Sasuke acknowledge this was almost surreal. He'd never heard such acknowledgments from Sasuke before. Naruto was so sick of hearing "I'm fine, just tired" from Sasuke. How was he supposed to comfort Sasuke if he wouldn't share his struggles?
"Ya know, it does throw me for a loop because you're so ridiculously kind sometimes. But other times it feels like you're unreachable, and it makes me scared that I might lose you. You trust me, right? Or do you think that I'm too weak to hear what's bothering you?"
He'd wanted to say this to Sasuke for a while, but he feared that Sasuke would just dismiss him. Or worse, he'd withdraw even more.
"I meant it when I said you're strong, and I trust you. If I really think about it, it's terrifying how much power you have over me. It's more… You already worry over things that have passed. I didn't want to add to the problem."
He knew that Sasuke wanted to protect him, but he wished he'd stop now.
"No, I want to know every piece of you, just like you want to know every piece about me. You understand that, right?"
Sasuke nodded.
"And…" Naruto continued. "I think some of this is also remnants from my time in the service. Of course, we had tons of classified intel, but sharing all appropriate knowledge is crucial. Secrets could and did have a body count. And… I know this isn't the same. No one's dying. But it's like a whisper in my ear."
He'd be hesitant to share this with others, but Sasuke never once pitied him. The way that Sasuke sucked on his lip piercing told him that Sasuke was thinking. Naruto waited patiently for Sasuke's next words.
"I've never told you much about my dad."
Naruto could hardly believe that Sasuke had just spoken those words. Sasuke never once brought up his father before. Whenever he was mentioned, Sasuke evaded questioning or moved on to another topic. He knew that this shock might have shown despite himself.
"No, you haven't."
"He was also a vet. He lost his leg in Vietnam. He refused to get help, so he was never diagnosed with PTSD, but it was obvious."
So, Sasuke's father had been in a situation not too different from his own. Why had Sasuke hidden such a relevant fact? Watching history repeat itself couldn't have been easy for him.
"I was born soon after he came home. Itachi was born years before he was drafted, and he left for college when I was about six. I begged Itachi to stay, but with his scholarship, he would've been an idiot not to go."
So, Itachi was middle-aged. Given how horrible Sasuke's father had been to Sasuke, it must've been difficult to go it alone.
"Aw, that sucks. He was a good brother, huh?"
Sasuke nodded.
"He was, as far as I can remember. He played with me a lot. We still talk sometimes."
"Hm," Naruto mumbled with a smile. "I'd like to meet him."
The more people he knew from Sasuke's past, the more Naruto felt like he knew him.
"I can arrange that."
He was getting somewhere with Sasuke, but he'd thrown off Sasuke's train of thought just now.
"Was your asshole father any better to Itachi than he was to you?"
Sasuke paused.
"I'm sure, given that Itachi was mostly raised before my dad fought, and he was at NYU when Mom died. Everyone said that my dad changed for the worse after the war, but I never knew that version of him."
The war had changed Naruto too. That much was inevitable.
"How did it change him?"
The corners of Sasuke's lips were sinking, and his eyes often drifted to the sheets.
"They told me he used to be kinder, happier, and more level-headed. Even before Mom died, he was so depressed. His team was slaughtered in Vietnam, and he blamed himself for it. He'd go from calm to violently furious in a heartbeat. It was like he couldn't control himself. He struck me occasionally, but he never really wailed on me. I was small. He even apologized sometimes."
So Sasuke had been left to wonder what person Naruto would become when he returned. Would Naruto become like his father? He knew that Sasuke was seeing parallels between those two situations right now. Both fought overseas. Both came back severely injured, physically and emotionally. Both hated themselves for what happened and lapsed into depression.
"My mom should've left him, but we had nowhere to go. After she died, he missed too much work and lost his job. That's when he got really violent. He'd cry and drink our money away every night. He'd back me into a corner and just wail on me and call me a faggot. Sometimes I wished he'd finally drink himself to death."
Naruto was speechless. What could he say to something so horrible? Not only had Sasuke lost his mother, but he was now subjected to severe verbal and physical abuse by his only remaining parent. Sasuke already told him that his father had a violent temper, but Naruto never imagined it was this horrible.
"He took his grief and insecurity out on me like he was the only one hurting. I'd go to Shika's house, all bruised up, and say I fell. We both knew it was code for 'my dad beat the shit out of me again.' It was too humiliating to put into words. I just...let him do it."
Naruto shook his head. While he'd never been abused to Sasuke's extent, his family in Texas sometimes struck him. He felt weak for letting it happen.
"Sasuke, this wasn't your fault. You were the victim."
"I guess," Sasuke shrugged. "But I could've fought back. At the very least, I could've tried to hold him at arm's distance. But I'd just freeze like a fucking moron and let him do whatever. The only way I'd protect myself was by locking myself in a room and leaning against the door. But the lock was just a loop and this decrepit metal latch… He'd just break through unless I had enough time to back it with something sturdy."
It broke his heart that Sasuke still blamed himself for this on some level. Undergoing such frightening moments on a regular basis would be traumatic for anyone, let alone a child who'd just lost his mother. He also couldn't believe how much Sasuke had just said. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd heard so many words from him.
"Why?" Sasuke asked, sounding like he was talking to himself more than he was to Naruto. "Why did I just stand there and take it so many times?"
Sasuke seemed to come to, glancing over at Naruto. His heart was breaking as Sasuke told this story, and he was sure it was obvious.
"You don't have to look so sad," Sasuke said, the left corner of his lips rising slightly. "I'm fine now."
How could Sasuke sound so calm talking about this? How could he be fine? And as sad as this made Naruto, he felt equally angry.
"None of that was your fault. It was his. I just wish I could've been there to protect you. If only I had a time machine."
"You know that never ends up how people want it to," Sasuke smirked.
"You watch too many movies. I'd do it right," Naruto said with a smile, trying to add some levity to the situation.
Sasuke shook his head.
"Really? I watch too many movies?"
Surely this was a dig at his constant pop culture references.
"Hey, I have good taste," Naruto teased. "Anyhow…"
He hadn't wanted to disrupt Sasuke's flow. He'd never heard Sasuke talk about himself or his past this extensively, especially without interruption. Every time Sasuke spoke, Naruto felt like he took another step toward Sasuke's core.
"All I could think about growing up was getting away from him. I tried to go to another place when he beat me and imagine finally being free. On my sixteenth birthday, I filed to be an emancipated minor. I could've just reported the abuse, but I wanted to do my apprenticeship in Brooklyn. The system would've just held me back."
It was certainly something Naruto had considered at Sasuke's age, but it wasn't easy. He knew how driven Sasuke was to become a tattoo artist from an early age. He'd let nothing stand in the way of his goals. That's just the man Sasuke was.
"How'd you manage that? I wanted to do that too, but it was this super involved, expensive process."
"Shika's dad was a lawyer. He did it all pro bono."
That explained it. He did pick up on a key word though.
"Was?"
"Yeah," Sasuke frowned. "Cancer. It was fast."
It made him feel for both Shikamaru and Sasuke. It seemed that Sasuke was somewhat close to him as well.
"That sucks."
Sasuke shrugged.
"Everyone dies."
To others, this might have sounded cold, but Naruto knew Sasuke too well for this. There was no way that Sasuke would've sat idly as someone so close to him lost a parent. Sasuke knew all too well how painful it was.
"Shika and his parents hyped me up for the trial. They said my dad would fight it. I said he wouldn't give a shit, but they insisted that I couldn't understand without having children of my own. They said that no matter how fucked up a parent is, they always love their children," Sasuke said, finishing with a smirk. "Always."
Sasuke shook his head in amusement.
"They said it so much that I almost believed them. But he didn't even show at the trial. He was probably drunk off his ass again. It was the first time Shika had ever been wrong about something so big, but I guess a sheltered life would make anyone naive."
He couldn't imagine how Sasuke must've felt, waiting for his father to show up at the courthouse as the minutes passed until the judge finally concluded that they'd have to proceed without him.
"Despite how many years I dreamed of escaping, I felt abandoned and betrayed by how little he resisted. It confirmed that no, he really didn't care. Even though I despised him, I...guess I hoped he did, even if only a little."
Did Sasuke's father really not care? After all of the things he'd done to him, it seemed feasible. Naruto envied the bond between parent and child growing up so much that it was painful. Every parent loves their child unconditionally, he was told. If only his adopted parents played by the same rules, he would've had a much easier upbringing. He knew well how lonely that felt. It made him feel worthless and angry, so he lashed out.
"When I finally left for Brooklyn, I told him everything that was on my mind. I didn't hold punches and aimed for where it hurt. It was brutal, and he deserved every word."
Naruto nodded. He knew that Sasuke could be cruel with his words. Yet Naruto couldn't think of anything that Sasuke could've said that would be uncalled for after what this man did to him. Naruto knew all too well how horrible war was, how those unspeakable images could haunt you. While it may have explained his father's actions, they were inexcusable. He sympathized with Sasuke immensely, but he was so livid at the situation that it made him tremble.
"I totally fell off the grid for a few months. I left and didn't give anyone a way to contact me, not even Shika or Itachi. It wasn't their fault, but I needed to reinvent myself as someone stronger. Someone who'd never allow themselves to be beaten. Someone who'd yield to no one."
His eyes averted to the script on Sasuke's chest: Nemini Cedimus. Yield to no one. Sasuke withdrew when Naruto pressed him for more context years ago. It made sense to him now.
"Is that when you got this on your chest?" Naruto said with a sad smile, running his thumb over the black script.
"It is."
It was difficult for Naruto to fathom, honestly. Sasuke was so young. How had he provided for himself? How could he pick himself up and become the successful person he is today?
"God, you're so strong. Even before you told me this, I've thought of you as a force of nature. But now…"
"I suppose I am pretty great."
Naruto chuckled, shaking his head before coming back into the situation.
"Fuck, it makes me so mad though. I mean, I know your dad's old by now, but I seriously wish I could find him and kick his ass."
Sasuke shook his head.
"I had to crawl back in only a couple weeks for the most mundane reason. I needed either my birth certificate or social security card to work legally. The process of getting official copies was so long that I had no other choice. But when I went back to our apartment, no one was there."
Sasuke sucked on his lip ring and averted his eyes. It made Naruto uneasy.
"Naruto, when I told you that my father and I aren't on speaking terms, that was only half of the story."
He knew that Sasuke was struggling to continue, so Naruto waited patiently despite his frantic need to put his doubts at ease. Shifting away from Naruto, Sasuke turned onto his back, rested his head on his interlaced fingers, and stared at the ceiling.
"My father is dead. He killed himself."
Naruto's eyes welled up without his permission. Sasuke had kept this from him for years. How heavy of a weight that must've been to bear alone? He remembered what Sasuke called his father a few days back - a pathetic, spiteful, miserable old man who insists on having the last word.
"Oh my god, Sasuke…"
Naruto's parents had died in an accident, which was in no way tied to him. He couldn't even begin to imagine how Sasuke felt. Sasuke shifted away from his touch. Was this why Sasuke's father resisted so little when he left?
"Before you say anything, know that I don't give a fuck about him. The insults I threw at him when I left for Brooklyn were the last words I ever said to him."
He felt Sasuke squirm in the bed.
"He quoted them in his suicide note."
Just when Naruto thought Sasuke's story couldn't get any worse, it did. How could Sasuke's father do this to him? Even if Sasuke's words were warranted, he couldn't imagine how horrible it felt to be indirectly blamed for the death of his only remaining parent.
But was it really intentional? Or was he just spouting off whatever came into his head, drunk as he so often was? Was each word chosen with care? Was his suicide premeditated? Was that why he hadn't stopped Sasuke from leaving? Or was it a split-second decision made under the influence? He was sure that Sasuke had asked himself these questions relentlessly, and like hell would Naruto bring them up. How brutal must that guilt have been? He couldn't fathom it.
"'Tch, can you believe that? He does something so horrible, and then he tries to make it my fault. It's almost genius. After everything he did, he still found a way to play the victim in the end. Would he still be alive if I'd never said those things? If I'd never left? It's impossible to know."
As much as Naruto wanted to reassure Sasuke that his actions didn't catalyze his father's death, there was no way to say this with certainty. Sasuke denied that he felt guilty. He rightfully insisted that he was justified. Maybe hating his father was a defense mechanism for Sasuke, and he had more than enough reasons to do so.
Yet Naruto knew too much of death, trauma, and loss to be convinced. He believed death and regret to be fated partners. He knew just how it felt to ask yourself those questions, knowing they'd never be answered. Naruto remained silent. Sometimes, that was exactly what Sasuke needed.
"The funny thing is that I was so shocked," Sasuke said with a smirk. "All of the signs were there, but it never even occurred to me. It felt like something that just couldn't happen."
He could certainly understand that. Sasuke was only sixteen, and he understandably had little sympathy for his father's struggles. Naruto wanted to say how sorry he was for what had happened, but he knew that it would only frustrate Sasuke.
"Anyhow, sorry for the word vomit. I guess I had more to say than I thought I did."
It was indeed surreal to hear Sasuke say so much in one go. He felt blessed to have heard it.
"Please don't apologize for this," Naruto said, his eyes tearing up. He couldn't begin to comprehend the pain Sasuke experienced. "Thank you for letting me in."
"Don't you cry over me," Sasuke said, holding Naruto's face in his hand and wiping the tears on Naruto's lower eyelid away with his thumb. "I'm doing pretty well for myself now."
It was true. Sasuke fought for his dreams, and he won. At a young age, Sasuke was on his own, beaten, and broke. Both of his parents were dead. Yet he started a massively successful and renowned business at the age of twenty-one. How could he have succeeded with such dismal prospects?
"Do you still think about it a lot?"
Naruto was also asking for selfish reasons. Every night, he thought about Lee and Neji now. About everything that happened in Afghanistan. To what extent could the years deliver him from this suffering?
"I refuse to any more than I absolutely must. He did enough damage while he was alive. I didn't have a choice back then, but he can't hurt me anymore."
It was so very Sasuke - stubborn to the core and coldly logical. Those traits had gotten him far in life. He prevailed through so much.
Yet as unaffected as Sasuke claimed to be, Naruto could feel the anger radiate from him.
"How do you do that?"
Sasuke shrugged.
"Power of will, I guess."
"Damn…"
If only he could do the same with his trauma.
"I'm sorry I told you so late. It's a nonissue, and I knew it'd become some big deal after I hid it so long. But primarily, I didn't want to go through this charade of being pitied and then pretending to care that the fucker shot himself so you'd think I'm a normal person."
A normal person? No, Sasuke was not a normal person. He was far better.
Yet how could he call this a nonissue? He claimed not to care, but the agitation in his tone told Naruto otherwise. Yet this was a major step for Sasuke. The last thing he wanted was to cause Sasuke to withdraw by forcing him into a corner.
"I sound heartless, don't I?" Sasuke said, shaking his head and emitting a short, bitter laugh.
So many times, Sasuke refused to call himself a good person. Only now did Naruto understand why, and it pained him more than he could express. He gently directed Sasuke's head so that he faced Naruto. Naruto knew his eyes were glassy, but nothing could be done about that. He felt for Sasuke so strongly that it bordered on overwhelming.
He looked Sasuke right in the eyes and said, "Sasuke, he hurt you. You're allowed to feel any way you want about that."
Sasuke's jaw hung slack for a moment as if words had forsaken him. Finally, a soft smile presented on his lips.
"You always look for the good in me, don't you?"
Naruto shook his head, returning Sasuke's smile.
"Honestly, it's hard to miss."
Sasuke cast him a skeptical glance.
"You're right though. You're not a normal person. You're a badass, crazy resilient, strong, smart, talented, and driven person. Kind of an asshole, but you're kind when it counts. Fuck normal."
"What exactly are you buttering me up for?" Sasuke asked with a hint of playfulness in his voice. "If you want me to cook for you again, you could just ask."
Naruto laughed.
"C'mon, I'm being serious."
"Mn…" Sasuke muttered, resituating himself in the bed so that he lay on his side, again facing Naruto. "I have a silly request, but please humor it."
"What is it?" Naruto said as he held his hand to Sasuke's cheek, rubbing his skin over the flesh.
"Promise me that you'll never…" Sasuke's voice broke at that last word. Throughout this conversation, he never heard him rattle until now. Sasuke's resolve seemed to waver, but Naruto's eyes pled him to continue. "That you'll never go anywhere I can't follow."
Of course. How did he just now realize that he went down the same road as did Sasuke's father before he became what he was? Sasuke treated Naruto so delicately at times that it made him wonder if Sasuke doubted his strength. But Sasuke knew the worst case scenario all too well. He lived it.
"Sasuke," Naruto said, resting his forehead against Sasuke's and looking into his eyes. "I swear to you that I'm not going anywhere if I have a say in the matter. After all, you'd be hopeless without me."
Sasuke closed his eyes and exhaled. With their foreheads still pressed together, he could feel Sasuke's breath on his face. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen such a peaceful smile on Sasuke's lips.
"Thank you, Naruto."
"Sasuke, I love you," Naruto said, chastely kissing Sasuke.
With Sasuke's eyes still closed, he hadn't seen it coming. He took Naruto's hand into his own, kissing back. His lips parted, and Naruto's tongue softly caressed Sasuke's. They separated again.
"I've been toying around with an idea for a while now," Sasuke added, his forehead still resting against Naruto's.
"Yeah?"
Sasuke paused before continuing, "I learned at a young age that some things happen that change who you are forever. I used to think of that in a strictly negative light. Something in you breaks, and there's no going back to who you were."
It was as though Naruto's own words were leaving Sasuke's lips. While Sasuke never directly ended someone's life, at least on some level, he understood how heavy that burden was. He knew what it was like to wonder "what if."
"Only recently did I learn that the reverse is also true. Some things are so beautiful that having had experienced them, you can never go back to the person you were."
Sasuke rubbed his thumb over the back of Naruto's palm, his stare so warm and soft.
"You taught me that. After you, no matter what happens, there is no going back."
Naruto felt like such a sap for crying at this point, but Sasuke's words were so loving that if felt like Naruto's heart was spilling over. After how horrible he felt just hours ago, he never would've dreamed he'd feel so loved and overjoyed the same night.
"Sasuke…" Naruto breathed, kissing Sasuke more deeply now.
And Sasuke did respond, but after they exchanged a passionate kiss, he pulled away. Naruto pouted; he wasn't done yet.
"Let me finish. I like to mark things so permanent with something equally permanent. You shine so brightly, even now. You've always reminded me of the sun. And then there's me. I've been in the dark, but like the moon, I've reflected some of your light. Even I shine a little these days."
He'd never expected Sasuke to say something so tender. He was speaking from the heart. Sasuke did shine now, but he always had. Everything he did, he did with passion. It reminded him of a fire more than a ray of light, but that didn't make Sasuke any less bright.
"A permanent mark?"
He knew where Sasuke was going with this.
"Yeah. I thought a small moon on my wrist would be a nice addition. Sort of minimalistic. And you wouldn't look bad with a sun on yours."
Naruto had meant to take this in stride, but he blatantly gasped, his eyes going wide.
"Oh my god…" Naruto said, his hands shaking.
Matching tattoos? Yes, he'd thought of it. But never would he have expected Sasuke to propose it, and with such a deep meaning behind them no less. Even the thought of it made him feel so happy. It also satisfied that jealous urge in him that he tried so desperately to quell. It was his mark on Sasuke. And it would be there to remind Sasuke of him until the day he died.
"I'll take that as a sign of interest," Sasuke chuckled
"Oh uh… Yes!" Naruto laughed. "Absolutely!"
"I thought you might like that."
Naruto nodded.
"I love it! In fact…"
"Hm?"
"Let's do it now," Naruto said, a wide grin taking up his face.
Sasuke raised his brows, his head edging back.
"Now now?"
He remembered how electric and exciting it felt when Sasuke pierced his ears so spontaneously on their first date. But that was purely adrenaline speaking. Now the most powerful love that Naruto had ever experienced worked its way into the equation as well.
"Why not? It's tiny, right? It shouldn't take long. The shop's close," Naruto just realized that he hadn't stopped to consider Sasuke. "Unless you're too tired. It can wait. It's just my excitement talking."
Sasuke smirked.
"What wrist do you want it on?"
"My bum arm, for sure," Naruto beamed.
"Glad you're so confident because it's never moving."
Naruto let out a content smile.
"You know, when I look at my arm, I'm reminded of some...not so great things. But after this, I won't be able to look at it without being reminded of you too."
Sasuke gave this small, bashful smile that made Naruto nearly melt. He'd never seen that look on Sasuke's face before. For lack of a better word, it was cute. It wasn't to last.
"Great concept and all, but there's an issue."
"Hm?" Naruto said, tilting his head. "Oh shit!"
He'd been so eager that somehow he forgot that the area from his upper arm to his hand was coated in plaster.
"Aw…" he said, his disappointment blatant.
"Besides, it's been an emotional day. It wouldn't hurt to think on it."
Naruto was still pouting.
"You have time. It should be off in a month."
True, but his orthopedist at Walter Reed told him it could be as long as two.
"I know just what that feels like," Sasuke murmured. "But it'll be there your whole life. There's no rush."
"Yeah, I guess so," Naruto conceded.
A few seconds past as they rested against each other, breathing in unison.
"When I got this tattoo," Sasuke said, pointing at the fan-shaped tattoo on the web of his left hand, "I felt like it just couldn't wait. I was thirteen. It had all the makings of a total disaster."
Naruto nodded and said with a chuckle, "I'm not gonna lie, it did not sound promising."
"I did it myself, knowing it wouldn't be perfect, even as visible as it was and at such a young age. But it was right after my mom died. My dad knew I was doing under the counter work but never questioned where the money came from. We were desperate. He flipped his shit when he found I worked at a tattoo parlor, even though I was just filing papers and cleaning trash."
He knew that Sasuke had been young when he got that tattoo, but he'd never dreamed that he did it himself.
"He hated the idea of me becoming a tattoo artist. Getting this was like flipping him the bird and mourning Mom at the same time. All of that time I spent tattooing grapefruit and pigskin came in handy. If all else failed, I could beg Kakashi to do a touch-up."
"That sounds kind of…" Naruto said, not wanting to come off as judgmental. "Reckless?"
"That's because it was," Sasuke smirked. "I've never once regretted it though."
"Ah," Naruto said. "You did damned good tattoos for a thirteen-year-old."
"The line work was a little shaky," Sasuke shrugged. "But it wasn't bad. Once Kakashi went over a line or two, it was perfect."
Naruto smiled, resting a few seconds as they lay together comfortably.
"I hope I can be like you someday, Sasuke," Naruto muttered. "You never let anything hold you back."
Sasuke brought Naruto's body close into his and pecked him on the forehead.
"Give yourself some time, love. These things don't happen overnight."
He felt he knew Sasuke so much more after tonight. Yes, he was dauntless, strong, and ambitious. But he'd also born so many burdens over his life, and he hadn't come out unscathed. Even after all these years, his scars remained. As much as it pained Naruto, it reminded him that he was not alone. He bundled himself into Sasuke and fell asleep in his strong arms.
An orangish glow rested behind Sasuke's eyelids as the morning sun woke up. He opened his eyes to find Naruto's head rested on his chest, his uninjured arm draped over his abdomen. He only had a couple of seconds to bask in the situation until yesterday's memories hit him like a truck.
He remembered moving Naruto's things with Kiba, his fight with Naruto, and almost getting his ass kicked by Sakura. But what really disturbed him was the conversation Naruto and he had after his return.
While he'd planned on telling Naruto about his father's death sooner or later, he hadn't expected to barrage Naruto with the extent of the abuse that he'd endured. He hadn't meant to tell him about his dad's suicide note. He felt so foolish for making Naruto promise him that he wouldn't end his life. But when he started talking, it all just flowed. That lack of control unnerved him.
Until now, not a soul knew that his father quoted him in his letter. No one knew that it was perhaps his words that pushed him over the edge. Now that their emotions had quelled, he felt naked and afraid. There was no turning back. However, when Naruto's large blue eyes opened and looked right into Sasuke's, his concern melted away.
"Hey," Naruto said softly with a smile.
"Hey," Sasuke replied, the same soft smile on his lips now.
It almost felt like they were meeting each other once again. He decided that a day would come when he'd shed all of his secrets. It was bound to be an arduous task. This was a good start, Sasuke thought to himself.