11:35 PM
Dot [Ellie]
The balcony was deathly quiet beyond the occasional howl of the wind and the muffled whinny of their horses inside. The majority of their night was spent in this, leaving Ellie to find something to do to occupy herself. There wasn't much, besides taking stock of all the food they nabbed from the dead bandits the previous day, so when she was finished with that… boredom had already set in.
The world beyond the balcony was pitch black, and the occasional, distant croak of an infected reminded her that the world still existed beyond the veil of snow surrounding them. It wasn't much earlier that Clementine had fallen asleep, her head lying in Ellie's lap, her face facing the flames burning in front of them, leaving Ellie to watch over Joel nearby until it was her turn.
With little else to do, she found herself reading through the book she'd intended to give to Clem back in Jackson, for her birthday, using the firelight to see the words printed on the pages. Her old pink and white jacket was underneath her, serving as a particularly uncomfortable seat on the ground, while the book hovered an inch over the top of Clementine's head.
The book was… interesting. The main character, some kid named Max, found his room turned into a jungle after he tore up his parents' home in a wolf costume, causing him to be sent to bed without dinner. For some reason, he ended up sailing to an island inhabited by some creatures known as the 'wild things', and he ended up being crowned their king. When he got lonely, he returned to his room to find his supper waiting for him.
It was… certainly something.
There was a child-like innocence to it that Ellie could barely comprehend. The idea of romping around in a wolf costume brought her back to that costume store in Boston, when Riley told her to put a wolf mask on and 'roar'. Letting out that roar had been almost liberating, and she had a feeling that Max felt the same in the story. To be something other than himself for a change. To live a life that he couldn't ever live.
In a way, she related to him. To wanting to be something other than what you are. To embrace your imagination. To not be the cure for mankind…
She decided then that she did like the book, slipping it back into her backpack in a quiet manner. Maybe there was a reason why Clementine held onto that book, besides being her last remaining memento of her mother. Did Clementine ever had any 'adventures' like the one in the book with her parents, playing on a farm? Not having to worry about the walkers, or the infected. Being a child for once. She didn't get to have that, growing up in the orphanages.
The only thing that came even close was her time with the Walkman. She had vague memories of when she got it, almost too obscure to remember. Being five years old, the mysterious device being handed to her by the headmaster, who only toyed with her until finally giving it to her. She still didn't know who it was from, in the end, but someonebrought it in for her, and it wasn't that asshole of a headmaster. Music got her through the roughest patches, though nowadays probably trumped those days.
She let out a sigh, which came out in a wispy cloud. In the silence filling the balcony, a sudden noise emanated from Clementine, causing Ellie to look down at her with pursed lips, concern etching across her face.
She was mumbling. In the process of clutching Ellie's leg with one hand, as if doing so would rid herself of whatever bad dream she was having. As the seconds ticked by, they became louder, clearer, desperate.
Ellie's mouth fell into a frown. She was having a nightmare. Clenching her eyes shut, Ellie pinched the bridge of her nose. A part of her hated seeing Clem going through that… but what could she do? You can't fight nightmares. You can't protect people from their own demons… or the ones you forced on them...
All she could do was rub the girl's arm softly, in hopes that it'd do something to calm the girl down.
Art [Clementine]
Where had Dad gone to?
Clementine searched through every corner of the house, from the porch to the narrow stables. Animals, from large to small, made dreadful noises as she passed. They looked to her for help, begging for it through pained cries, but she was so little. Aside from the hay dragged by her toes, the farm didn't make a sound, slowing her breath to a halt. The birds and crickets had left, too. Even the wind. It was only her.
The sun had set what felt like hours ago, and her bedroom was pitch dark, like the inside of a cave. It dripped with water, walls covered with ice, causing the small girl to shiver from both the cold, as well as the fear. She was terrified. Her arms were wrapped around her chest, knees huddled together. Clem's wide eyes, the only color in an otherwise dim, colorless space.
There wasn't anyone to tuck her in that night. Not Mom. Not Dad. Not L-
Before any thoughts could form in her tiny head, Clementine had left the house behind her, backpack in hand. Where were they? How could Mom and Dad have left her? Her sandals dug into the grass as if the large patches of it were made out of quicksand, but she trudged on. On, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and-
By the river, her dad sat lackadaisically with a fishing rod in hand, whistling to himself a song that had no sense of rhythm. Daylight painted the background like a coloring book, so hot it made the pier do cartoonishly loud crackling sounds. "Hey, Clementine!" Dad called out to her. There was so much warmth in his voice, the sun almost paled in comparison. But she felt funny. Her joints were sore. Nose running. Its tip seeming more iceberg than skin.
"I feel weird. I'm cold, Dad," said the little girl, her yellow dress now, too, against the pier as she sat next to her father.
He didn't say anything to that. Wouldn't, so as to not break character. His daughter was awfully smart. If Ed couldn't keep his act together, she'd figure out he wasn't really there in no time. "Did you do your chores yet?" He asked in response, smiling his stupid smile, patting her hair like he used to every day.
Like he used to.
"Where'd you go?" She insisted on the questions, leaning closer to Dad, brows furrowed. Clem didn't much care about her chores. If the horses were well fed, or goats strong and healthy. Clem was a lot more interested in knowing where he'd been yesterday.
Ed seemed baffled by the question, looking at the girl almost amused. "What do you mean? I'm right here."
She sighed. How could she care about chores ? If the fucking horses got fed that morning or if Snow White had been mauled alive, her guts laying on the ground in front of her. She just missed her parents so much, desperate to know where they'd been for the last six years.
"Oh."
It was a dream.
What a silly dream.
"You look worried," said her fake dad, faking a fake smile in his fake farm. Clementine shook her head, left and right, nonstop, like trying to shake away a naughty thought. He looked so real, even with features so blurry, his voice just a fragment of fractured memories. Water in her eyes, Clem outstretched her small, seven-year-old hands, letting them rest atop her father's shoulder, sliding down to his bicep. Her grasp was herculean, but she only felt his moist jacket, freezing her palms and shattering her heart.
"You're one sad girl, you know that?"
She sobbed like the baby she was. Her pretend-dad looked so puzzled, but that only made her want to hold tighter, as though he'd fly away otherwise, like a balloon. "Dad?" She called out, eyes closed, to see if he was still there. But he only answered with silence. Eventually, that flawed reflection of Ed reached his hands around his daughter, rubbing her arm softly while mulling over words he pretended to be his.
"You gonna leave her too?" Shock blocked her tears, giving way for eyes round with surprise. Dad sounded hurt. Disappointed in her. So many things a fake person had no right to express. Dad had never met 'her'. He wasn't real. He wasn't.
But Clem wanted him to be. She wanted it so badly.
"N - No! I didn't -"
"You didn't mean to, I know. I mean, your mother's the one who told you to run. No one's blaming you."
Clementine lost herself to the tears, rubbing them against Dad's shirt. She couldn't stop, because she loved him so much. Because she wanted him to be the one with her, instead of all that hurt.
Ed scratched his chin, utterly detached. Air slowly escaped his lips, making way for more distant words. "I'm gonna miss Lee. Won't you? He sure made it easier. To forget about me." Dad's expression twisted, brows forming spirals as his lips contorted into a frown, tears welling up in his eyes. "Did you?"
No... No...!
"Well," he pinched his nose, letting the water fade away from his eyes. "I... I forgive you. I know you did all you could. You're so strong, ain't you? My little girl."
Ed pulled her closer, Clem's cheeks against his own.
She hugged him. Clementine couldn't help it. Even if he wasn't Dad.
Even if it wasn't really him.
Dad frowned, again.
"Or were you hoping he'd die, Clementine?"
Clem burst into tears - violent ones. The girl covered her ears, but Dad's whispers still found their way through. "Why didn't you come back?"
She grimaced and fought back, but it wouldn't stop. It wouldn't. "You're not real. You're not real. You're not real. Not real. Not real. Notreal. NotrealNotreal.
Notrealnotrealnotreal notrealnotrealnotrealnotrealnotreal ."
"You're right, hon. I'm dead, too."
Dot [Ellie]
" Dad… "
That word tumbling out of her friend's mouth had been enough to freeze every muscle in Ellie's body. More than the cold biting at the edge of her consciousness could ever hope to accomplish. Whatever nightmare Clementine was enduring right now, it wasn't… it wasn't something that would just go away . No matter how hard Ellie tried to comfort her.
" You're not real… "
Ellie dug her left hand underneath her friend's head, letting it rest against her arm while she wrapped her other hand over the girl's stomach to hold her close in a semi-hug.
She was shivering. So was Ellie.
She brought her lips close to the girl's ear. "I'm here, Clem. If you need me." What was she even saying? It wasn't like she could pretend to be her dad… It wasn't like she could pretend that she'd ever mean more to her than her own parents or Lee could; she didn't even want to. Yet… the anguish written across Clem's face… God , she couldn't take it. Clementine was the strong one. Since the beginning. She was the one picking her up when she faltered. But seeing this…? Maybe they were just a couple scared little girls.
"I'm- I'm real."
Art [Clementine]
Waking up in a sweat seemed so hard with that mountain of snow collected on the balcony roof, and yet Clementine's shirt was soaked with it. Her eyes flickered open. Tired, so tired, and yet wider than they'd ever been. She woke up to the heat of the flames flickering in front of her, face rested on... something .
Clem's heart went berserk, losing any and all sense of a proper flow. The girl's eyes hovered upward, vision still blurry, clearing bit by bit. And she saw Ellie's worried expression, what felt like inches away from her nose, still chilly from the winter. She'd fallen asleep on... Ellie's lap? Her face wasn't so cold anymore. It was boiling hot, giving off bright red hues. Clem's legs visibly shrunk, her knees closing in, boots wrapping themselves atop one another. The embarrassment had her choking on words that never ever seemed to come out, only making her hold the other girl tighter, and her chest hotter and more filled with air.
Slowly - all too methodically - Clementine pushed herself into a sitting position, avoiding Ellie's gaze like the plague. It was so much...
Did she... D - Did she hear her in her sleep?
Clementine swallowed while the ticker in her chest did the talking, thump thump thumping so loudly she could swear even her friend could hear it. Clem's legs and nose bundled up more and more until the girl could fit nicely into a tiny box, mumbling the quietest apology of her entire life.
"S - Sorry."
Dot [Ellie]
The urge to reach out and comfort her friend was too much to bear, but she managed to wring her hands together in her lap, eyes falling to the fire in front of her as Clementine's meek voice reached her ears. She brushed a slew of rogue hairs from out of her face and behind her ear, trying her best to put on a smile that'd make Clem feel better. Anything to not dwell on what had just happened a second ago.
"Bad dreams happen to everyone," she stated in an even tone, shrugging her shoulders. "You don't have to… y'know , apologize." Her gaze fell to the floor for a fraction of a second, indecision twinkling in her eyes. She mulled over her next words, chewing her lip. "Do you… wanna talk about it? You don't have to if you don't wanna…"
Art [Clementine]
She let her gaze escape, linger elsewhere. Anywhere else. Clem shut herself away behind an exterior long since threatening to give away. The thought of going back to that dream scared her more than she thought Ellie could understand. Clem trembled, more and more. Arms, hands, and toes. Knowing then to blame the snow, pretending it was nothing else.
Clementine was on her feet quicker than she'd realized, longing for distance. For something to keep her busy. Something to quell all the bad thoughts - Run away from them if she could. "I'm doing watch tonight." She spoke at her softest, panicked steps leading her away before Ellie could convince her not to.
It was easier that way.
Dot [Ellie]
Ellie opened her mouth to try and stop her, but Clementine was gone in an instant, disappearing indoors. She pushed herself to her feet in a heartbeat, feet skidding in the thin layer of snow as she followed behind.
"Clem…?" Her voice was answered with silence, the girl she was chasing nearing the stairs leading down to the bottom floor. Ellie picked up the pace, calling out for her again, sterner than before. "Clem!"
By the time she reached Clementine, they were already downstairs, and Ellie gently wrapped her fingers around the girl's arm, the light-blue of her jacket barely visible in the darkness. "Clem, I can't- What kind of best friend would I be if I just left you alone? We stick together, okay? No matter what."
"So if you're gonna sit down here in the cold, then I'm doing it too. Even if I have to sleep in it."
Art [Clementine]
A pull of her arm had Clementine stopping, even when her legs wanted to go on without her. Her hand twitched, demanding to pull away, but she kept it at bay, turning her eyes away from her pleading friend. She held back phrases as blunt as 'Just leave me alone' through a bite of her lip, letting Ellie be the one to talk, even when unequipped to listen. Clem, like no other time she could recall, was just waiting for a chance to tell her off.
Instead, her crushed little heart sunk even further.
Talking felt impossible. Mutters and mumbles, but never real words. The girl's lips quivered until she gave in, letting her arm loosen while in Ellie's heavy grasp. " Okay. "
"Sure. Okay..."
Clementine's old cargo pants scratched against the porch while the girl searched for a comfortable position to sit, rifle nestled between forearm and knee. She didn't really find one, and wouldn't have. Not with Ellie so close to her. Clem fell to a soft sneeze when the wind picked up, the girl occasionally sighing puffs of smoke that disappeared into thin air. The snow pierced her skin as if from the night sky descended literal butter knives, each painfully landing on her skin before stiffening and turning into ice. The freezing girl struggled to put thoughts into words, for she well-near refused to.
"It was... about my dad."
Every single syllable weighed a thousand pounds, filled with all sorts of emotional baggage she never wanted to unpack aloud. Why even bother...? Because you owe it to Ellie, that loud voice in Clementine's head so valiantly tried to justify. 'No more secrets.' Yeah. Whatever that promise was still worth. Clem drew air so cold it made her have to wipe her nose with her sleeve, letting that arm rest on top of her knees while she put off having to say any more. "Sometimes I dream about being back on the farm. I'm seven again, and he's there." Her voice, then, sounded cooler than the air. Though quiet anger would seep through odd phrases when the girl couldn't help herself. "Dad says he doesn't blame me for leaving him and Mom. Then it ends."
Clementine kept her eyes forward, letting them dip downward before she picked her gaze back up, setting it back on the empty blackness ahead. "Other times he says it's my fault they died. It changes."
"I never get to see Mom."
"This time, he..." A loud sniff keeps her from talking. The cold - she blames it again, wiping her nose with the dexterity of a drunken tailor. Even while silent, she doesn't look at her friend. Not one passing glance. Clem was too scared to. "I sit next to him and he says I left Lee too."
A harrowing silence began to set in, one which Clementine interrupted with an equally frightening glare. A glare directed at Ellie. That icy tone of hers returning, more evident than ever. "That's it. You happy?"
Dot [Ellie]
With those words uttered, Ellie let go of Clementine's arm, watching as she headed outside, onto the porch. Ellie followed her cautiously, planting herself against the rotted wood flooring on the other side of the steps from her friend.
She was more than comfortable just sitting there in silence. As long as they were together, they could deal with any threats, but she wasn't going to insist on talking out Clem's nightmare. She'd already made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it.
Which made hearing her next words so awful to hear, like a knife being twisted into her gut. She stiffened, looking towards the snow drifts surrounding the ranger station as the girl kept going on about the dream, eventually forcing herself to look towards her when she'd finished. The look she got back twisted the knife even further.
What was she supposed to say to that? She wasn't trying to torture Clem, just… help her. Somehow. The resentment in the girl's eyes, though, only showed that her efforts had the opposite effect.
It felt as though her heart stopped at that moment, and she was struggling to reboot it. Her gaze fell to the snow drifts once more, clenching her eyes shut. This sucked.
"It's… not your fault," Ellie spoke softly, meekly, struggling to look anywhere but at her friend on the other side of the porch. "Whatever happened with your parents. With Lee. None of that is your fault." Her words had a sort of irony to them, the more she spoke, knowing that she didn't believe them herself, for the things she's done in the past. Would she ever stop blaming herself for Riley? Or Tess? Her mother? Probably not. "Your parents… Lee… they love you. We all do. So, um… yeah."
She wanted to say more, but her mouth stopped cooperating then. She had a feeling Clem didn't want to hear what she had to say anyway.
Art [Clementine]
Her amber eyes, again, ran for their lives to a corner far away. One hand grasping at her rifle while the other clutched at her knee, digging into gathers of snow. "What would you know?" Clementine scoffed, words oozing with both anguish and contempt.
"Yours left you too."
Dot [Ellie]
Ellie's head fell towards the ground in an instant, pulling her legs close to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. The words that had reached her ears stung with vile ferocity, the knife from before being more like a sword impaling her. Had she any strength left, sharp words of her own would've left her, but instead silence was the only thing she could give.
Suddenly, leaving Clementine alone didn't seem that bad of an idea anymore. The thought left a boulder in her stomach, weighing her down infinitely.
She still managed to push herself to her feet, though, not daring to look in the other girl's direction as she headed inside, where she'd finally get a chance to breathe. To calm down.
"I'm gonna check on Joel."
The door closed behind her with a resounding click, leaving the girl to hold back tears as she stomped through the ranger station.