Chapter 50.
"What was Dean like when he was young?" said Jack, "What was he like as a kid?"
Just hearing the question was painful to Sam, but he tried to answer it without showing that. "Like you, Dean never really got to be a kid. Dad trained him to be a soldier."
"You too." said Jack.
"No, they both went easier on me. Because of Dean, I got to be a kid sometimes. All my life, Dean has carried around a weight nobody should have to bear. Most people would have broken long ago. He breaks a little, but then he pulls himself together and he keeps going, because people need him to."
"And you do exactly the same." said Cas.
Sam smiled sadly. "Not even close. I don't think I deal with a tenth of what he does and I broke for a whole year. When you two were in Purgatory, I did nothing because I couldn't handle my losses. Dean could lose everything and he'd still be hunting. Nothing will ever stop him fighting."
"You know you couldn't have found us, don't you?" said Cas, "We didn't have Rowena then. Where would you even have started looking?"
"That doesn't make it okay that I didn't try." said Sam.
"I think the fact that you had lost everyone and suffered a complete breakdown makes it okay that you didn't try." said Cas, "The fact that trying would have been futile is just a bonus. I know Dean gave you a hard time about it, but he doesn't feel the same way about it now."
"How do we keep getting back to me?" said Sam.
"Well, I'm fine." said Jack, "And Dean is with Sarah. So we should concentrate on you or Castiel and he really doesn't want it to be him."
"That's not true." said Cas.
"Good." said Sam, "Let's talk about you."
"Certainly." said Cas.
"I assume the talisman is still working." said Sam.
"Perfectly." said Cas.
"And how do you feel?"
"Peaceful."
"That's it?" said Sam.
"What else do you expect?" said Cas, trying to be inscrutable and failing.
"Never play poker, Cas." said Sam.
"I have played poker." said Cas, "It didn't go well."
"Bobby's trying to teach me." said Jack, "I understand the rules well enough, but I just never win."
He knew it wasn't deliberate, with either of them. The shorthand of human communication just baffled them and they had no idea how annoying it was to a human who was trying to be clear.
"I'm better at chess." said Cas.
"I'm better at chess too!" said Jack, "Chess is easy."
"So easy." said Cas.
"You only have to think about thirteen moves ahead." said Jack.
"Yes." said Cas.
"The only person I can't consistently beat at chess is you."
"A soldier knows strategy." said Cas with a faint smile.
Jack smiled back, admiration and love in his eyes.
Sam watched them talk, seeing how happy it made them, understanding how limited each must feel in talking to humans. They understood each other, even if the rest of the world caused them trouble and there was an ease to their conversation that would vanish the moment he opened his mouth and invaded their world.
He didn't want to do that. Yes, there were things they needed to talk about and he had no doubt that Cas was as much a wreck as Dean, but if Cas could have a brief time without addressing the painful parts of his life, Sam felt it would be cruel to deny him that. He made himself comfortable in the bow of the boat and listened to them talk about games they had played and games they hadn't.
He thought about Jules and the fun times ahead of her if she decided to pursue a relationship with Cas. It wouldn't be easy, but he hoped she would try. She and Cas could be good for each other.
Jack laughed and he had missed what was said, but the laughter sounded so light and pure and joyful that he didn't care. There was a light in Cas's eyes that had not been there a moment before and his shoulders seemed to relax a little. Jack was good for Cas too. Jack was good for all of them. For a creature who had seemed destined to destroy the world, he brought a lot of happiness into it.
For a while, there was just the sound of the water, lapping against the boat. A light breeze blew over them and ruffled their hair. Again, Sam thought of being there with Dean, on a colder day, but still a good one. He remembered Dean saying, "We'll always be brothers, right? Blood is blood."
"I love this place!" said Jack, "We should come here a lot."
The light fled from Castiel's eyes and the shoulders stiffened again.
"What is it?" said Sam, unable to remain silent.
"Sorry." said Jack, "It's my fault. I mentioned the future."
"Why is that ... "
"He's having a hard time believing in a future now." said Jack, "But he will have one, won't he? We'll make sure of it. And Dean doesn't make promises he doesn't intend to keep."
"Intentions are noble things." said Cas and his voice sounded old and powerful and hopeless, as if he had gone back to the way he was when they had met him, when he knew he had no need of dreams or hopes or human friendship.
"The next thing in your future is a birthday party." said Sam and he thought back to Dean, promising him, "Next year, it'll be better. We'll be in a house, not a motel and we'll have a proper party." And the candles stuck in the doughnut and a hastily wrapped bundle of candy bars had been the best he could do, but for his own birthday, he did nothing. Even then, he saw nothing to celebrate.
"The party will be good." said Cas. He didn't believe it, but he was too bad at reading humans still to know how completely he failed to seem like he did.
"The party will be great and after it, we'll do other great things and Dean will keep his promises."
"Dean always keeps his promises." said Jack.
Cas nodded and went back to staring over the side, his shoulders tense and hunched.
Jack sat beside him. "Sarah will fix everything." he said, with absolute faith. He put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "If you can't believe in anything else, believe in Sarah and Sam and me."
"And Dean." said Sam, remembering the words, "We'll always be brothers." He smiled and said, "Jack's right. Dean keeps his word."