Chapter 38:

I'm tryin' Not to Give in to You

-x-

Hanji was feeling both excited and nervous as she goes back in the school that had previously shoved her away and did not even tried to talk things out with her.

Nervous of the possible things that could happen to her that she doesn't know, as what her instincts are telling her.

Morning came rather quiet for her due to the stares only lifted upon Hanji's presence in every corner of the school. Hanji tried to maintain her composure and her smile once she entered the familiar place but realized that she can't keep it forever.

Or maybe she can.

She find it amusing that everyone was staring at her as though she have some kind of disease that is showing on her face and everybody was just trying not to blurt it out into her straight on the face. Maybe they were just scared of seeing her full wrath or was just trying to keep quiet because they have more ideas how to mess with her later on or sooner. But in reality, she already knows the reason why they have their lips zipped. The Principal had all of the homeroom advisers inform their distinct classes to stop all the drama and bullying since it won't take them anywhere and that whoever sets a record for bullying and has been proven to be guilty will immediately be kicked off from school. With that alone, everybody seemed to be vocal and had been mindful of their actions.

But the principal's words are not enough to stop some students to give death threats over Hanji and pass her immoral messages online under anonymous accounts.

She laughed over their messages after reading them but can't help not to forget their words and affect her even a tiny bit, whether it was sent to her directly or not. Because deep inside, she knows what the truth is and nobody can take that away from her.

After stepping foot at school, she had already heard all of those nasty rumors and questions. Nanaba did warned her that she would be hearing unwanted things about her but she ignored those, her main goal on her mind and that is to graduate, enter college and reclaim herself for her parents and to everyone else.

From the hallways, deep penetrating and unwanted looks were given to her and if not, very questioning looks instead. She snort her way towards her classroom and was left at peace, trying to put the puzzles together on what she had missed at school and lessons and tries her best to connect and find herself. In the middle of the day, a rolled and crumpled paper was thrown at her, hitting her softly on the head. She looked around but did cannot find who was the person that thrown her the paper and decided to open it instead.

Inside, a very short note was written with readable penmanship:

Is it true that you pushed Petra into killing herself because she has a thing going on with Levi?

And is she really the one in the video with Levi?

Hanji immediately crumpled the paper with more force than she expected since her nails were digging deeply into her skin. She did not find the note or the question offensive or below the belt but she did find it insulting her dead friend. She lost a friend, she lost Petra and that lead to Aurou's death as well. Two birds in one stone, all just of a sick video scandal. If she were to ask, she doesn't mind Levi had sex and having sex with a number of girls because he doesn't have any choice and that if only he has another job, then he just would not fuck in order to earn money. With all the girls and women that he had fucked, she is most likely coolest with Petra still.

She became close to her and understands her and grew concern towards one another. She had become a part of her life as she is to her, and she became a lot to her in lots of ways as well. She knows she did that with Levi with a purpose on her head but that is still not enough for her to just judge and criticize her in a carefree manner.

If only that she is alive, she would immediately ask her why she did that and console her as well. She knows that one mistake and inappropriate decision is not enough to criticize her friend just like that. It seemed so unfair and unjust without hearing the entire story.

All she wanted that Petra and Aurou are gone is that peace should be bestowed upon them and hopefully they are together again without any other complications. Seeing them happy together makes her heart fill with joy as well too. And so, all she was asking at the moment was, aside from the peace of mind and space that she is hoping to get and as well as for her two friends who just passed by. They already had too much hardships and pain in their final days before they were gone.

Instead of writing down an answer in which she first thought of, she halted once she held her pen and start to write down. She looked over her classmates around her, from her side to the back and she found no one seemingly is guilty for giving her the note. All eyes were on their teacher and no one spared a second to look at her. The same goes to her classmates from her back, making her doubt her own eyesight in looking for who the possible culprit is.

She then decided to let it pass by and have the person, who could it be, ask her in person because she might even appreciate it rather than writing on a piece of paper. Focusing her attention to her teacher, she gave her full effort instead in writing down notes.

Even better, she will give the note to her teacher and let her do the solving of who that student was.

In truth, she had missed a lot and some of her classmates has been a sweetheart and helped her out, showing her all of the notes that she had missed and that she should finish copying them as soon as possible. One of her classmate aside from Nanaba, offered to help her out understanding the lessons that she had missed, in any case that she have any questions.

She took all of their offers without second thoughts as she have seen in their eyes the willingness to help her out. She does not know for a fact if it's out of pity having known that she had faced a huge amount of consequence in which she is not responsible of anyway or any of that matter. But she also cannot afford to play coy since she has a lot of things to catch up to with and she would take all forms of help and time to catch up.

By lunch time, she went directly to the biology lab to have her usual lunch in there. It had always been forbidden but the place grew into her, most especially she can get to do her duties, job and even get peace of mind as well. There is a part where she cannot be seen if she's in there anyway so she kept on having and having her lunch there.

The only difference is, Levi is not there to be with her and have lunch with her.

She sigh, she won't be having those kind of moments with him anymore, not after what he did to her. She still has no intention of talking to him nor entertaining him at the least, even if there are times that she could feel if Levi is really the victim as well. But then again, he was the one who knew exactly of what was going on, he should have done something better or talked to her about it since she can help him with it but he didn't, and everything went bad. He is smart and he could have done better and act earlier.

Hanji then was able to reach the biology lab, she was surprised to see her clubmates there talking and having their lunch. At first, she was startled and did not make a move, completely surprise. Not until everybody greeted her and gave her alternate embraces and asked her how she was. She took a sit, grabbed her food and started talking and eating at the same time. They have very limited time after all and she needs to manage her time properly.

"How have you been Senpai*?" asked one of her young member.

"I'm okay I guess. I am more than glad to be back to school and be with you guys as well!" she said in a cheery tone and speared her vegetable salad and ate it.

"How are you guys doing for those times I am not here? Two weeks is a long time you know." Hanji asked even if her mouth is full. In anyway, her club members did not seemed to mind at all.

Some of them looked at one another first but one of the seniors discusses her the activities that they had while she is gone while the others added their thought and some details as well. Hanji in turn tuned into them as she continued to eat her meal.

"Too bad I wasn't there!" she exclaims as tiny bits of her potato came flying out from her mouth. She would have loved to teach and share her knowledge to their experiments and activities and yet she is not there. She felt like she missed a lot with her club mates and it pinched her heart.

"It's okay senpai!" cheered one of her clubmates and some pat her on the back.

"Show senpai some of our pictures to let her know what had happened!"

"Don't forget to show her about the exploding part!"

Hearing her clubmates exchange testimonies and stories of what she had missed made her feel both overwhelmed and happy at the same time, despite not entirely witnessing what had happened or share the same happiness over the experience.

Despite the random turns and unlimited eagerness of telling her stories and what she had missed, making her feel confused of whom to listen to was such a great part for her day at school. It was surprisingly chaotic in such a sweet way, and she couldn't be so grateful enough for her club. She knows and she could completely feel that her clubmates were also interested to know of what had happened to her and what was the real story behind Levi and Petra and Aurou but she knows they are patient enough to wait for her to be confident to tell them what had happened.

-x-

Lunch was really entertaining and Hanji didn't expected it, all thanks to her clubmates.

After lunch, day came rather too quickly that she was left to find herself confused, her mind squirming of overwhelming duties that she needed to finish after what she had missed. Despite the overwhelming things to accomplish, she find earnest peace and stability on her left out duties and wanted nothing but to achieve them right away. She would need to study, write notes, read and take up her missed quizzes. She sorted them all out on a piece of paper and attached it on her school diary to keep and to check every now and them to have herself reminded all the time.

Seemingly so, Nanaba had also been a great help as swell as Mike and made things a bit easier for her to catch up. With all of the things she needed to accomplish right away, she foresees her entire week to be pretty busy and tiring.

And she knows everything is going to be worth it in the end.

At the same time, it is good to have to forget her unwanted recent past behind.

As the day ended, she sighed in relief as she finds herself alone in the library like the good 'ol days after having Nanaba and Mike gone for a couple of hours and left her to finish what she can accomplish.

"We're already closing, Zoe." The librarian tells her like she usually does to her at late hour of time of the school. It was the only signal that she should go home already. She immediately packed her things and bid her farewell.

"Goodbye!" she waved and the librarian waved back at her as she went to fix her things as well and prepare to go home.

Hanji went out of the library with a burning sensation inside her heart full of desire and motivation to finish other else things once she gets home. She clutched her other things tightly on her chest, embracing her books and notebooks deep into her. Feeling it so close to her heart gives her the drive and the will to go forward and finish high school.

She could still go and graduate.

She could still see herself going into college and going to graduate school.

She could still see herself reaching her dreams.

She suddenly realized that she haven't really thought of the course that she should take in college, and now she has the will to think and decide finally as she thought that she would never have the chance to do so.

She realized that there are so many things to be busy with and yet also to be grateful for.

She felt so happy and liberated and-

A familiar raven haired guy came across her sight, and a quick hot feeling of boil came rushing into her veins. She did not expected to see Levi suddenly coming up into the path on her way home. Her smile quickly fell off as her mind was suddenly free of any thoughts that she was just busy moments ago. She stopped on her tracks for a moment but then puffed her chest and continued on her way.

On the other hand, Levi's eye was glued on her.

He tried opening his mouth upon seeing her after waiting for hours, the darkness already on the way and all alone with nothing else to do just to see her after two fucking weeks. He also wanted to go inside the library as he knows that Hanji is in there but something is stopping him from doing so, that he is not supposed to be going there.

Because she is busy with what she had missed obviously and he didn't want to break her momentum at all and be mad at him just because of intruding into what she is doing. If ever she sees him, she knows that her momentum might break or she might lose focus, even if he may not be really sure but knowing her, he knows that is what is going to happen. He doesn't want to add more reasons for her to hate him and so he decided to wait for her to finish instead.

As he did his waiting, he sat by the near bench under the tree and did his school works as well, though he cannot have his sole attention and focused on his works since his eyes kept on going and going by the library building waiting for his four eyed friend. Afterwards, he was able to finish his works and decided to read some lessons, both advanced and just the recent lessons that he had to keep himself busy. Still, it was not enough when he realized that he was able to finish reading all of their current lessons and did an advanced reading as well and find himself still waiting for Hanji.

It took him another hour to see the familiar hazel brown hair ponytailed in a nasty manner that he did missed a lot, until his eyes fell on her face.

Hanji.

She was smiling as she went out of the library building, and it was what he missed the most. That smile that she wears, heartwarming and enticing. Like a brainless zombie, he walked towards her, not knowing what he is doing. He was staring at her for so long that he did not realized that he was already making his way towards her. He was brought back to reality when he realized that he was not expecting to see Hanji ignoring him just like that.

He was dumbfounded and left on where he is standing and eyes big with surprise. Hanji never ignored him, nor went pass by him without any mutter of a word, and it was making his blood boil. He never thought that Hanji could have the gut to do such thing. Her eyes looked dead pan, no care of some sort but only disgust lingered within those hazel brown orbs that he find comforting and beautiful. She did not even showed any sort of itch to of lingering or want to approach him or talk to him.

Is he that despiteful?

Had she just forgotten about everything that they had shared? All those annoying things that they shared to those comforting ones? Did she really just consider herself heartless towards him now, after all the those lunch time that they ate together, the times where she put too much effort just to have him carried on her bike and can't afford to buy one to replace her broken bike that was destroyed because someone saw them together on the bike one night and had it broken because of him? That even if she may not tell him that she is completely aware of what had happened to her bicycle and suspicions over it, he knows that she was bothered and does not want to tell him about it because she knows he will just feel bad and blame himself. That she did not mind brining and sharing her packed food for him just so he could eat properly and that she is spending money for him at some nights just to lessen the tiredness and disgust that he gains from his work and have him spare some time for himself and rest even once for a while?

Did she also just forgotten about her effort and surprise on his birthday just like that? That the effort that she put into surprising him together with her family was too much? That she was the one who let him feel to be a part of a family after Isabelle and Farlan's death?

Was she able to just forget everything that they had just like?

Was it really easy for her to do that? Because for him, he can't seem to bring himself to do the same thing towards her. He could sense that he is breaking down emotionally and mentally all because of being ignored by her, and as much as he wanted to think that he deserves it, he just can't accept it that easily.

She was the only one who made him feel like any regular human being.

She was the only one who viewed him as a friend, like any ordinary student on the school and not like some stud wondering around fucking all the time.

He did his best to shove the breaking feeling inside of him away but as he follow Hanji's ongoing walking towards the growing darkness, he can't help but want to chase after her but as he did so, she didn't even turned around to meet him.

"Hanji." He tries again but she acted as though she did not hear anything at all. She kept walking on her way and not seemed to care that he was just behind following her. Levi knows that it was quite too impossible that she cannot hear him and even the sound that he makes as he runs towards.

"Hanji." He called again, hoping she will turn around. "Hanji stop." He declares and grabs her wrist.

Hanji in turn did not even craned her head to give him a look or anything and only had her push him so far instead. Levi was surprised of her sudden action towards him but he understand that he should still try because a person like Hanji is not worth of just giving up with and losing entirely.

"Hanji." He said with finality and firmness, commanding just to make sure that she would truly listen and give in already.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she shouted with a mixture of disgust and hate. She quivered as she brushed away her wrist where he had held onto her like some kind of rat came running towards her.

"What do you want!?" she was breathing heavily and her eyes were full of anguish. Levi didn't know that she was bearing that much despite towards him.

Levi composed himself in order to properly think of the right words to use towards her and approach because if not, she most probably would run off on her tracks and leave him. But instead of knowing what he should tell her or how he should react towards her, he found nothing and he felt instantly horrible for it.

He felt a huge dickhead.

His mouth came to open but nothing came out, his voice not coming out of his throat. All he could do is just to stare at her with his mouth slightly opened, his insides shaking with despair. He felt confusion and defeated as he watch Hanji's figure go and unseen along the way.

Shame that he can't even think of any other way to go after her and convince her to talk to him. A part of him wanted to argue and persuade her to at least give him a chance to explain even if he finds it hard to voice out his part.

Or maybe he could just at least listen to her of what she has in mind, even if it may be offensive or against him, at least he is aware. There would be no problem in the first in listening to her since most of the time he listens to her but he was hoping that they could do that again somehow.

But he could still try again.

He thought it was only for the night but then he watched the days go by without having Hanji talk to him. Everytime that he's going to call for her name, someone will talk to her and grab her. He prefers to talk to her alone and most of the time but she is usually with someone, aside from Mike and Nanaba some of her classmates or clubmates are going to hover around her. He just wanted to have her whole attention to him just like before.

What makes him feel more of an asshole is that whenever he enters the library and she is in there or even at least go to a place where in she had already vacated, she would pack her things away immediately and run off like she just saw her worst nightmare or he has some life threatening disease. What was worse is that whenever they would come across the corridor, she never looked at him or even take a little glance at him as though she would get even more blind if he looks at him.

Having her not around him sure does suck but having her around once again but have her run away from like he had some kind of disease made him feel even worse than an asshole.

Why was it so easy for her to do that?

Is she that heartless? More importantly, since when did he had the heart to feel worried over such thing? He should not care in the first place and yet he is feeling sympathy over himself, and he did not like it. But as much as he tried to have the longing towards Hanji away, it comes back to him even worse.

Was it so easy for her to forget their friendship and the things that they shared together? Maybe because what they had shared did not matter at her at all, unlike to him. He can't help but treasure those things because….

Because she was the only one who made him feel that he is worth of being friends with.

That he is seen as any regular guy studying and trying to survive the world that he is into and not just a sexual entertainment.

Everyday as he eat by himself on the very corner of the cafeteria or under the thick shade trees, he can't help but wonder why he can't man up to her and tell her that he is beyond sorry for what had happened and that he did not want anything bad to happen to her or to anybody else as well.

Out of all the people at school, she was the person who had the most impact on him despite developing their friendship on their last school year.

And it was not easy to just throw it away.

Every night, there would be very, very few clients coming to him to ask for sexual favors because he can't have his dick hard as a rock anymore or at times, can't have it hard for a long time. He would occasionally sigh heavily at nights after deciding to accomplish his school take home duties and look at the token he worked hard to save for and give that he never got the chance to do so.

And at the last minutes before he drifts off to sleep, he can't help but sleep on the thoughts that what if things did not turned out shit, what should they be doing be at present? She would have been sending him late night messages asking him if he is awake or not, or most probably they might have spent some time together roaming around the nearby woods going to her home, helping her catch some insects or lie by the ground and eat or watch the stars twinkle in the night sky.

Whatever it could be that they could be doing for tonight, he can't help but feel an ache in his heart as he relieved those memories and think of the possibility having experience it again.

Deep inside, he can't deny the fact as well that when it comes to others, he literally does not care.

When it comes to Hanji, it stung and affected him. The feeling was foreign and all new to him and he doesn't know how to take it deep in him, nor act from it. It was basically tormenting him and he could swear that his heart is not making any improvement or even a change of feeling from the sting that Hanji had just made him feel.

It would only be a few more months together to spend for the school year and even if he doesn't know how or what he should do but he promise himself that he would try, even if the result would be crash and torment him even more.

-x-

Author's Notes:

I would have wanted this to be a bit longer or even more emotional at least. Anyway, HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL!

BTW, I am already preparing my Visa Application coz I'm going back to Japan! And I agreed to my sister to go back to USJ because a Hanji and Levi clonoids are going to be available January 21st next year and that a Shingeki shop and restaurant is going to be available again! YEY! Last time I went there, it was no longer there so I felt really sad about it :'(

Anyway, will update soon before the year ends 3

ladyinblack