Ivan sat on the edge of his bed. He should eat, though he had no appetite. Everything in him was drained. All thoughts and emotions had run through and out of him. He wanted to sleep. He wished he could feel something more than empty. Of course, wishing for that was more than he had felt previously, so he seemed to be improving.

Talking to Dimitri had been difficult. Learning that Brandon was dead, and had been dead for months, was painful. But talking to Tasha again had been agony. At least he had felt more than nothingness.

He remembered the idea of love. Seeing Tasha again reminded Ivan that he had, in fact, loved her. Maybe something in him still did, but it wasn't easy to feel or remember.

Ivan and Tasha wanted to talk, needed to talk. But when Tasha entered the room, they found nothing to say. In silence they studied one another — silence like never before. When had they last seen one another? Had it been February or March? Neither remembered. It should only have been a short parting. There had been a phone call on the day Ivan was turned. They would have been married now if everything had gone as planned. So many broken dreams.

When they finally spoke, it was slow and stilted. What did they have to say to each other now?

Everything.

Nothing.

"Are you eating?" she asked. It was such a sterile question, something you ask a sick person. Not the first thing you say to your fiancé after they're restored from the dead. Not in that empty tone.

"When I have to," he replied. "I have too many people reminding me that I need to eat."

She nodded, fingers twisting her ring in an unconscious gesture. "They said you weren't eating. Well, they said that you weren't drinking blood."

"I find that blood is a complicated matter for me now. I'm trying."

Tasha closed her eyes and let out a long breath through her nose. She had been shifting on her feet, but finally stood still. "I'm glad, glad that you're trying. I … I'm glad that you're back."

He waited a beat before responding. That she still wore his ring gave him a sense of peace which he hadn't expected. She still loved him enough to wear that ring. "I wondered if you were going to come at all."

"I need time to think. I need time to know how I feel."

His heart squeezed at those words. Even if the words were true, and he felt the same way, he didn't want to hear them. "I understand."

"I still love you." She swallowed visibly. "But I don't know if I can handle what happened."

"You read the reports?" he asked. There was no way Tasha could have known about the conversations Ivan had just had with Dimitri and Rose. This was about him having been a Strigoi. About him having been the same sort of monster her brother had become. Tasha's brother, who had taken a bite out of her face, leaving a permanent mark.

"Yes, and I remember the letter back in August. I did burn it, just like you knew I would."

"I'm sorry."

"I forgive you, and while I know it wasn't really you, I can't forget it either. I didn't believe this would work. I thought you'd die. I didn't want that." Tasha's voice broke. She drew a shaking breath before continuing. "I don't know what I want. I feel like part of my life stopped when you were turned. Now that you're back, I don't know how to start life again."

"Neither do I," he said simply.

"I still need time." She let out a frustrated sound. "When did I become such a coward?"

Ivan looked at her with gentle fondness. "You're the bravest person I've ever met."

Tasha's chin trembled. She pressed her lips together to control the tremor.

"You could have stayed at Court," he continued. "Instead, you were in the house. You fought."

"I had to. I couldn't have faced myself if I had stayed behind. I needed to see this insane plan through to the end." She paced a few steps, arms wrapping around herself. "I don't know what happens now. I don't have any plans or goals. Things are getting better for our people. Laws are changing. Christian is an adult, making his own decisions. And I..."

"I don't know what I'm doing next, either." He sat on the bed, watching her. Watching all the emotions crossing her face. She looked as lost as he felt. "Do you want us to be together again?"

She looked at him, blinking back tears. "I don't know."

His eyes fell to her left hand where she wore the engagement ring. She saw his gaze and covered the ring with the fingers of her right hand. He saw the struggle on her face. The pain and confusion warring just beneath the surface. She was breathing harder as she closed her eyes and tugged gently. The ring slid off her finger. She closed the fingers of her right hand around it and squeezed.

"I love you." Emotion coated her words. "But I don't know how to love you in spite of this. Even though I know nothing was your fault. I wish that I could forget what was in the reports. I wish that I didn't remember what you looked like as a Strigoi. I wish that I could see you and not have it remind me of Lucas."

She took a few steps closer and held out her right hand. He forced himself to lift a hand to hers. She pressed the ring into his palm but didn't let go right away. She clasped his hand with both of hers, so he brought his other hand up as well. Their eyes met, and they held that gaze for several long moments, both of them with slowly falling tears.

"I need time," she said for what may have been the hundredth time. "I guess that I shouldn't wear this anymore, not if I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't want to do this, but I need to. I'm sorry."

She tried to pull back, but he held onto her with gentle firmness. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he choked out. "I need time, too."

With a shivering nod, Tasha squeezed Ivan's hands again before being let go. She drew a few calming breaths, eyes falling on where he clutched the ring in his closed fists. "I'll transfer the properties back to you. I don't know what they're doing about getting your identification restored, but when it's all settled, you can have the vineyards back."

It seemed so trivial to him, but he had nothing of his own anymore. Well, almost nothing. He was fairly certain that some funds and properties that he had acquired as a Strigoi were still his, not that he wanted anything bought with blood. "If that's what you want."

"It's the right thing." A bitter smile twisted her lips. "I'll get ahold of you when I'm ready to talk."

Then she left, and Ivan still sat on the bed, one hand wrapped tight around the engagement ring.

Dimitri watched the steady rise and fall of Rose's body as she slept. She was warm and alive, and for now that was enough. She had fallen asleep against him as they watched a movie. Now her head rested on his lap while she remained in dreamland. Occasionally, she whimpered in her sleep, causing his heart to twist in agony.

He hated her pain. What he wouldn't give to take away her nightmares.

It was only now, in the stillness, that Dimitri began to process everything Ivan and Rose had told him. Under normal circumstances, he would have been jealous and angry about their confessions.

But things weren't normal. They had been Strigoi, undead monsters who murdered for fun. He found that there was nothing to forgive, though he did wish to forget. He wanted to push the images of what they had done from his mind until the ideas no longer existed. He wondered what that meant about him. Maybe it meant nothing at all. Maybe it meant something.

If he loved her, shouldn't he be able to handle her confessions?

And he did love her.

Maybe he didn't need to do more than listen to her. Everything about being a Strigoi was so far beyond him. He suspected that the horror of it went beyond anything Rose or Ivan could put into words. And the things they had said chilled him.

Training his entire life to fight and kill Strigoi had not prepared him to learn what being a Strigoi was like. To hear about it from the lips of his former bond mate and the woman he loved had been more than Dimitri could absorb. The horror of hearing how they thought as Strigoi was heartbreaking and sickening. He was amazed that they were beginning to recover so soon.

Rose cried out but didn't wake. Dimitri stroked her hair, hoping that it would soothe her. She soon stilled again and remained asleep. He was glad that she was sleeping. Rose had barely slept since being restored. He suspected that she was asleep now largely because she was exhausted.

His fingers stayed in her hair as his hand stroked slow circles on her back. He studied her face, though he couldn't see much from his angle. He could see the curve of her cheek, the high arch of her brow, and the line of her nose which was slightly crooked from when Lissa had healed it at the start of the year.

She was real and alive. He still couldn't believe it. The months he had spent without her had been the worst in his life. He would be content to stay like this, knowing that she was safe.

Though he wanted her to be herself again, he knew that she would take a long time to recover. If she ever fully recovered. She had vacillated between bravado and despair in the brief conversations they'd had. He had yet to see her laugh or genuinely smile. He wanted to see her happy again.

He lost track of time as he sat there. Half paying attention to whatever was on TV, he kept checking to make sure she was really there. He wondered what direction their lives would take now. He didn't want to leave her, which might mean the end of his career. Not that he wanted to prioritize his career anymore. He would go with her wherever it might lead.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. Rose didn't stir, even when Dimitri called for the person to enter. Lissa came in, her face lined with worry. The worry smoothed away to a soft happiness as she looked at Rose. The worry returned as she shifted her focus to Dimitri.

"Did you check your phone?"

"No. I put it to silent when we started watching a movie." He reached for his phone, which rested on the bedside table. There were a couple missed messages. He arched an eyebrow at Lissa. "What happened?"

"Tasha left."

"What?" He sat a bit straighter, which made Rose mumble and curl closer to his leg. "What do you mean, she left?"

Lissa took a few steps closer, keeping her anxious tone hushed. "She packed a bag and drove back to Court. She didn't even tell Christian until she was halfway there. Christian's talking to Ivan now. I guess it didn't go well between Ivan and Tasha."

"So it would seem." Dimitri glanced at the messages on his phone. A few were from Tasha, and others were from Christian and Lissa. "Did she get to Court?"

"Yes. She's safe." Lissa shook her head in annoyance. "I can't believe she just left at night."

"She lived for years without a guardian. Believe me, she's been outside at night alone. She can handle herself."

Lissa pressed her lips together in a tight line. "I know, but after everything we've been through lately … She could have said something or gone during the day."

"It's okay, Liss," Rose mumbled. She shifted her head so that she could somewhat see Lissa through the tangle of her hair. Her voice was rough from sleep. "We're all okay now."

"Oh!" Lissa moved closer to the bed so that she was in front of Rose. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Rose shrugged a shoulder and moved hair away from her face as she yawned. "I didn't mean to sleep."

"You need it though," Lissa said. "How are you?"

The thinnest smile crossed Rose's lips. "Better than earlier."

Dimitri ran a hand across Rose's back. She visibly relaxed at the gesture. With his other hand Dimitri read through his text messages. "Tasha apologized for worrying us and said that she needs time and space." He also saw that Tasha was offering to let him be someone else's guardian now that they'd restored Ivan. He put his phone aside, knowing that such issues could wait.

"She still could have said something," Lissa insisted. "Christian was really worried."

Rose sat up and held out a hand to Lissa, which the other girl accepted. "It's okay, Liss. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but …" she shrugged. "She was going to go back to Court eventually. It's not like we're going to stay here forever."

"I know."

Rose squeezed Lissa's hand. She started to say something and stopped more than once. "Do you want to get food?"

"Sure," Lissa said with a soft laugh.

Rose looked at Dimitri. "I think I'm ready to eat with everyone. Although I don't know if it's time for everyone to eat. We should also make sure Ivan's getting blood."

Dimitri laughed. "We can get food if you're hungry, and we can see who else wants to join. And we can check on Ivan on the way to the kitchen."

"Thank you," Rose said, giving him a faint smile. She stretched before sliding off the bed.

Rose was dressed except for shoes, which she found and slipped on. She grabbed a brush and rain it through her hair while Dimitri got up and put on his own shoes. Lissa watched them fondly, her own fears subsiding for a moment.

"Are you guys okay?" Lissa asked.

Rose and Dimitri exchanged a look of soft affection.

"We need time," Rose said, "but we'll figure it out."

Dimitri took her hand and squeezed. "We will," he agreed.

The smile Lissa gave them was warm and full of joy. "I'm glad. You guys deserve a happy ending."

"Everyone does, Liss," Rose said. But her tone was sad.

"I can't believe my aunt just left," Christian was saying. "I know this has been hard on her, but …"

"She needed her distance," Ivan said. "And she's always done things her own way."

"I know that. Sorry, I didn't want to worry you more. You have enough on your mind."

Ivan almost smiled. "I can use time away from the things on my mind. You haven't told me how you've been."

Christian sat on the chair in Ivan's room. "I've been okay. Finished school. Travelled a bit. Did research for a project Lissa's dad was running. Then … well, we started looking for a way to restore you. I'm glad you're back."

"You know, even if things don't work with Tasha and me, I'm still your uncle. If you want."

"Of course I do." Christian smiled. "Though I'm still hoping things work out for you two. I've never seen her happier than when she was with you."

"We both have a lot to process right now." Ivan was resigned. "If we have a future together, it won't start soon."

Christian made a sound of acknowledgment. "Yeah. Do you want to eat? I haven't been to the feeders yet."

A wry expression touched Ivan's face. Christian was clever in his choice of words. Ivan needed to eat, and he needed to leave the room. And he wanted to spend more time with Christian. So accompanying Christian was the obvious answer.

"We can go," he said reluctantly. "I need to eat. Though I must confess that I'm still uncomfortable with it."

Christian grimaced. "Yeah, I get that."

Ivan stood, giving in at last to what he needed to do. "Lead the way."

They walked through the halls, meeting up with Lissa, Dimitri, and Rose along the way. Ivan was relieved that there was no tension between Dimitri and Rose. Whatever their conversation had entailed, it appeared to have gone better than Ivan's meeting with Tasha.

Chrtistian and Ivan split from the others near the kitchen. They entered what looked like a small apartment where four humans were currently playing a card game while the television was on in the background. The humans looked toward them, more alert than the typical feeders Ivan remembered.

Ivan arched an eyebrow at Christian, who grinned back.

"Abe wants all of his workers to be alert and useful, even the humans," said Christian. "They're kinda cool if you get to know them."

Christian quickly introduced Ivan to the four humans, three male and one female. It was an unusual sensation for Ivan, meeting these humans. He knew that before being turned, he scarcely would have paid attention to the human feeders. Now, he needed to know. He had killed too many humans not to care. Not to mention that he had recruited the brother of a feeder as a minion. So he asked them how they had come to work at the estate.

Their stories were varied, but each of them had survived some rather harrowing events, which had brought them to the attention of Abe Mazur. He had hired them into his staff. The woman was one of the gardeners. One of the men worked in the kitchen, one worked with the cars, and the other helped maintain the building. There were other humans on staff as well, and most of them were also feeders.

The entire concept was unusual to Ivan, but he liked it. He liked that these humans were more than feeders. He suspected that they were also more than just hired workers. Given what Ivan remembered about Abe Mazur's reputation, he thought that these humans acted as spies for their employer. After all, no one in the Moroi world gave feeders a second thought. So many Moroi and guardians spoke too freely around the humans. It was a weakness Ivan had exploited.

The kitchen worker was the one Ivan chose. He was in his 30s or 40s, with a strong build. Maybe that was the appeal to Ivan, someone he couldn't easily overpower. Though he could compel if he wanted, which he didn't want to do, but it was possible.

He wished he could forget all the ways he knew to kill a person.

They walked a short distance to another room with a mini fridge, table, and chairs. The idea of feeding made Ivan's blood run cold. He hadn't hurt Rose yesterday, but that had given him little confidence that he wouldn't hurt someone else. He wouldn't hurt Rose because he felt a confused jumble of things for her: guilt, friendship, commiseration, and protectiveness being chief among them.

The human sat in one of the chairs. Ivan sat beside him. He wanted and needed to feed, but he couldn't stay calm. The human observed, but said nothing.

"Feeding was so simple before," Ivan said, more for himself than for the man. "Now … well it's not that easy."

"You're the one who was a Strigoi?"

Ivan grimaced. "Yeah."

"Well, as long as you don't rip my throat out, we're good."

At that, Ivan let out a soft bitter huff. "I won't." It was a promise to himself and to this human.

Drawing up his courage, Ivan moved to the man and bit his neck. The conflicting memories waged war in his mind as he drank deep. But he wasn't starving, not like when he had drunk from Rose. And he had no desire to kill — the idea of it repelled him. Ivan stopped feeding and breathed a sigh of relief.

Notes:

Thank you so much for reading and for your patience. I've been going through a lot of stress and life related stuff that's made it hard to write lately. And I'll be back in my grad program in January, plus my internship starts, plus work. I'm still going to write. I just don't know how all of the life stuff is gonna flow yet. About 6 chapters left! I hope to get them done soon and post them for you! I love this story and have loved going on this journey with you, so I hope you can stick around even though there will be delays.

I'm sorry for not replying to your wonderful comments. I normally love responding to all of you. I do love reading everything you write. Life's just been a bit much lately. (Honestly it's mostly me stressing out about my internship beforehand... but it's still taking up most of my mental energy.)