So much for finishing this before Frozen 2 comes out... o.o
Elsa used to have dreams. It was to get her name out there in the music industry and to let the whole world know what she can do. They were dreams she did not know she had until her song was the only thing that made Cindy stop crying one night.
They were seven at that time. Just two little girls sitting on a hospital bed where Cindy was told to rest after another thorough check-up. Elsa would never forget the joy in her sister's eyes the moment she found out she could sing. They had spent hours and hours singing random songs together and had giggled repeatedly when they found out Cindy did not share the same talent.
Ever since then, Cindy would ask for a lullaby when she was confined or back in the privacy of their own room. It was her that encouraged Elsa to join their Aunt Gerda's music classes. She was certain Elsa had the ability to become more than just a simple girl in a small city far away from the capital.
"First, I'm going to need some help," Senya announced.
Elsa flinched as Senya scanned for them across the room. She balled her hands into fists, hoping it would strengthen her resolve. It was time. Their eyes met and the beats inside her chest became stronger and faster.
"So..." Rapunzel drawled, watching her sister wave for them on top of the stage. "We should probably go before her arm rips off."
A lump in her throat rendered Elsa speechless. She licked her lips and gave a stiff nod. It's not the time to get scared. You can do this. She inhaled deeply and organized her thoughts, reminding herself of why she was doing this in the first place. Anna.
"Wait," said girl called, stopping Elsa in her tracks. "You... You wrote it?"
The nerves shot all at once, humming beneath her skin as the question fell from Anna's mouth. Uncertainty gripped her chest and swallowed her guts. The nervousness and anticipation, the cold sweat, and the chills—she hadn't felt them in a while.
Elsa swallowed hard and faced Anna, answering the question with a nod.
"...oh."
How was she supposed to take that? Elsa did not know, but the pain and confusion on Anna's face managed to double her own self-doubt. Could she really do this? Was she ready for this? Was she seriously prepared for Hans to know who she was?
Elsa would have remained standing and questioning herself further if not for Rapunzel elbowing her. The brunette jutted her chin to the stage. Holding her breath, Elsa tore her gaze away from Anna and forced her legs to move.
It didn't matter if she was ready or not. She has to do this. For Anna's sake.
Her steps were slow and tentative, and the tingles became more violent as soon as her shoes touched the stage. Her ears buzzed, vision jumping back to a time she had seen multiple times in the past. Her knees buckled and her arms locked. The music playing in the background and the idle chatters of the guests faded, replaced with a clogged bout of noise. The room began to shrink; swaying, fading and morphing into that traumatic place.
Her grip on the music stand tightened.
"—sa? Elsa!"
She gasped.
Rapunzel rushed to her side, a clear book on hand. Senya moved closer and lightly tugged on the music stand on her grip. She leaned in to whisper, "Are you okay?"
Elsa hissed, lips quivering as she took a moment to gather herself. The words refused to come out, stuck at the tip of her dry tongue. She wrung her hands together and held on tightly, trying to focus on the feel of her own hand.
"Hey, Elsa, it's okay." Senya gently rubbed her back. "One step at a time, remember?"
Thumps continued drumming against her ribs.
Roars played inside her head. She closed her eyes, sweat pooling on the side of her forehead at the distant memory. Her breath hitched when warmth enveloped her trembling hands and her eyes flew open to see the sisters' hands on top of hers.
"When the silence gives you everlasting doubt
Listen to my voice and I'll keep you from falling"
Senya swatted Rapunzel's arm. "You twisted the lyrics," she barked.
"Duh. The real line won't exactly cheer her up."
The sisters whispered harshly with each other and as Elsa listened to their voices, the tight muscles on her legs and back loosened up. Her hearing returned to normal and she slowly regained her senses. She blinked, taking a moment to level her breathing, and then she looked at them.
"I'm okay," she managed to utter. "Thank you."
The sisters stopped arguing and looked at her. A beat of silence passed and then Senya said, "Elsa, it's okay if you can't do this tonight."
"I agree," Rapunzel said, raising a finger and adding, "Look on the bright side, at least the fate of the world does not depend on this performance."
Her small smile faded, thoughts flying back to a certain strawberry blonde. Her eyes fell downcast.
"Words, Rapz," Senya chided. Gently, she squeezed Elsa's hand again. "Hey, I said it once and I'll say it again. Don't worry about other people. This isn't about them. This is about you. You know yourself better than anyone. You know when you are ready."
"But... But Anna..."
"I don't get on roller coasters even when it's Olaf's favorite ride," Senya confessed. "The first time we rode one didn't turn out well. I always refused after that. Does that make my feelings invalid? No. I love him, but it doesn't always mean I have to love or do the same thing he does."
The thoughts swirling inside her head reached a standstill and as she continued staring at the genuine smiles of the sisters, her shoulders gradually relaxed. A movement caught her eye. She glanced at the side of the stage and saw Olaf standing there, his own grin in place. He nodded and gave her a thumbs up.
Not being able to... doesn't make it invalid.
She closed her eyes and held her breath, counting the seconds until the butterflies inside her stomach settled down. Then she whispered, "Thank you."
Rapunzel crossed her arms with a crooked grin and Senya gave her hand another squeeze. There were still doubts that lingered in the back of her mind about Anna and this whole situation, but she welcomed the momentary peace the sisters provided.
They finished setting up the equipment and stepped off the stage, leaving the floor to Senya. Olaf gently patted them on their backs and ran off somewhere to continue taking photos.
With a mind clearer than before, Elsa looked at the married couple on the center stage. Hans and Belle stopped discussing something when Hans noticed her staring at them. He said something to his wife and Belle immediately turned, face brightening and hand waving happily in the air. He nodded his own greeting and Elsa forced a smile hoping it did not look weird.
I'm sorry.
"Should we go back?" Rapunzel asked, gesturing to their friends standing in the same place they had left them. "Or do you want to help Olaf?"
Guilt prevented Elsa from doing any of those suggestions. Senya managed to ease her worries for a little bit, but she was not able to remove the heart-wrenching confusion and guilt wanting to burst out of her chest. She wanted to make things easier for Anna. For them. But... she couldn't.
Small shoulders rose and fell with every shuddering breath. Salty dots of sweat made the light baby hairs cling to her equally pale forehead, a lost little bead rolling down her healthy flushed cheek and unto the white expanse of her neck. The tiny snowflake pins adorning her plaited hair sparkled against the yellow lights on top of the stage.
Something clogged her ears. They could only make out her heavy pants in the filled auditorium. Deep, long, and tired. Her lungs burned; they ached and begged for much-needed air. But her eyes, oh how big they were. Hopeful, and as bright as the flashes on the cameras taking pictures of her.
The sound... became clearer.
Claps. Cheers.
Her name. They were calling her.
A huge, childish grin spread over her face and nearly split it in half. The nerves in her hands, moments ago as still as calm water, vibrated with a glorious electrifying hum. She blinked the happy tears away, clutching her fists around the front of her plaid shirt dress.
"El-sa! El-sa! El-sa!"
As if agreeing with each other, they chanted her name encouragingly. Revering. Asking, asking, asking for more. To play more. To repeat the same or to sing another song. An encore.
Can I really?
A single look at the side of the stage made every cell in her body jump for joy. Right there with the host was where Cindy once stood to give her the moral support she needed. The only thing Elsa was able to catch a glimpse of was her sister's skirt ruffling in the air as she bounced towards the exit. They had promised to meet each other outside the building after her performance, and the exciting way Cindy left more than told Elsa that she was proud of her. Excited to share the happiness with her, even.
Can I really?
A shiver rocked her spine. The host did not interrupt and instead gave Elsa a motivational smile of his own. She was the last one to perform and it was the first time the venue became this loud, this rowdy. Strange, because her piece was not even something that contained bustling energy. It was gentle and mellow, like a mother cooing a newly born child.
"El-sa! El-sa! El-sa!"
Louder and louder, they called for her name. Her heart was beating fast and all her nerves were alive, tingling from adrenaline. One more song. Her sister... was patient. She could wait.
"El-sa! El-sa! El-sa!"
It should be fine. Cindy was the one who signed Elsa up for this event sponsored by their Aunt Gerda's highly-esteemed musical group. She was the one who encouraged her to follow her dreams. The audience was asking for it. Heck, she wanted it. For the first time in her life, her voice was finally heard. Just one more song.
Just this once.
It wouldn't take long. Three minutes maximum. Cindy was a big girl. She was smart. She wouldn't stay under the sun for too long knowing how that affected her health the last time it happened. Their Aunt Gerda and Uncle Kai could not look after them with their hands full on this event, but Marshall should have arrived some time ago. Elsa swore she saw his distinct honey-colored hair among the crowd. He would find Cindy. He would take care of her and protect her when she couldn't.
It... should be okay.
Knees trembling, Elsa returned to the chair in front of the white grand piano. The crowd applauded when the room dimmed once more; a soft, blue light highlighting her features in the middle of the stage. She inhaled softly and lowered her hands on the instrument, the melody flowing smoothly as her fingers danced along with the keys.
What could go wrong?
...
"Everything," she whispered.
A frustrated groan rumbled from deep within her chest. Elsa clasped her hands to the back of her neck and sat on the balls of her feet, nibbling her lower lip. Was this really okay? Was her decision right? Should she have forced herself to play?
She unclasped her hands and brought them in front of her face. They were still shaking, but it wasn't from the cold. She could hardly feel the cold weather, thanks to Rapunzel for thrusting her jacket and scarf before allowing her to step outside for some air. No, they trembled because of those vivid memories. They trembled because standing on stage forced her to remember things in great detail.
"Elsa?"
Through the haze, she heard the meek voice. Her head snapped upward and her breath caught upon seeing Anna standing by the entrance of the building. "Anna?"
"Are you—" She swallowed. "Are you okay?"
Elsa's mouth parted as she took in the sight. Anna was standing outside in this cold winter evening wearing nothing but her dress. White puffs of smoke appeared in front of her face with each heavy breath. It took a while longer for things to sink in and as Elsa's silence went on, Anna rubbed her elbows as her eyes fell to the floor.
Seeing this, Elsa removed her scarf and stood. "Anna, what are you doing out here? Where's your coat?"
"I..." Anna gulped, cheeks flushing as the scarf was wrapped around her. "You left."
"I was just going to get some air."
Anna stilled. Elsa tilted her head as she studied the uncertain look on her face. It was the same expression Anna wore that morning inside the studio, and it once again stirred something inside her.
"Up there," Anna said, "on... on stage. W- What were you talking about?"
The words caught somewhere in Elsa's throat. Right. Of course she saw that. She sighed and released the hold she had on the edge of the scarf. "Anna, you should get inside. You're freezing."
"Just...! Please. What was it?"
Elsa paused.
The pleading in Anna's voice did not escape her. She pressed her lips together and grabbed one of her hands, dragging her inside the building and to an area where there were fewer people and somewhere that had enough warmth. Most of the guests were still inside the reception, so she led them to the other end of the hall furthest from it. If she was going to answer that question, Anna did not have to get sick in the process.
With a quick glance around the place and after making sure they were alone, she faced Anna. Elsa was not a mind reader, but she had known Anna for quite a while. She had been through a lot the past few months and it was Anna that gave her hope when nobody else could. That was why she knew. She knew that this fear, this... clouded look she could see in Anna's eyes that grew ever since she admitted she was Chelsea was something she couldn't ignore. Whatever caused it, Elsa wanted to get to the bottom of it.
"They were telling me it's alright if I couldn't play tonight." Anna's eyes widened, her fingers twitching against Elsa's hand. Elsa squeezed softly and continued, "I practiced. For a week. I was able to touch it, you know? Sen's keyboard."
"You... You did?"
"I was supposed to be the one singing and playing it tonight, but... I couldn't. I'm sorry."
Elsa wanted to play. More than anything, she wanted to be successful tonight. She had practiced with Senya for a week and Elsa did not want to waste the musician's effort of teaching her. They had assured her she could do this at her own pace, but she was... slow. The longer it took for her to get over this stage fright, the more she was making Anna suffer and Elsa hated that.
Especially when Anna would always, always put her first.
Anna stepped closer and raised a hand, stopping for a second and eventually pulling back. "It's okay. I told you, this can wait until you're ready."
"That's what they said." Elsa laughed emptily. "I wanted to try. I thought if I forced myself—"
"You don't have to!"
Elsa froze.
"I... I told you this can wait," Anna said.
Again.
The same weight that Senya lifted from her shoulders fell upon Elsa once more. Again, Anna was giving her an easy way out. Again, Anna insisted on waiting for her.
A pang of bitterness grew in her chest.
She lifted her eyes to the redhead fiddling with the scarf. "Why?"
Anna frowned. "'Why'... Nothing good comes out of hurrying, right? I don't want to rush you. This is—"
Elsa balled her hands into tight fists. "Why?"
Confused, Anna's mouth clicked shut. She held Elsa's gaze for a few seconds, and then she looked away and bit her lip.
That morning when Anna visited the studio, she blurted out a question. A question so simple but also something that held such a complicated meaning. A question that never left Elsa's head and one that should have made her happy, but it only made her sad.
[What do you want me to do?]
"Don't you think that if I try hard enough, then maybe I can get over this... this fear?" Elsa asked. "That if I tried harder, I'll be able to let go of everything that held me back?"
"No, that's not what I—" Anna stopped, throat bobbing up and down. "Why tonight?"
She smiled tiredly. "You're not giving me much of a choice."
"Me? Elsa, I told you it's okay if you don't admit it to him."
"You did." Elsa agreed, and then she threw her arms upward, gesturing to Anna's entirety. "But you've been avoiding me, too. You've been crying and you won't tell me why."
"I wasn't! I was helping my mother out and—"
"You've been acting different since I told you, Anna. You always looked sad when I see you. You say things that are obviously against your will," Elsa explained, inhaling deeply when the redhead stepped back. "Did you think I wouldn't notice?"
"E... Elsa..."
"I wasn't ready to get up there, but I tried because I thought... I thought it was the only way you'll talk to me again. The same way you used to."
Guilt flashed across Anna's face. "I... I'm sorry..."
Elsa sighed and looked elsewhere, blinking away the pricking sensation on the side of her eyes. This was not how she intended things to happen. She didn't want to make Anna feel bad or anything; she only wanted to step out for a bit and breathe. To clear her head.
"Do you really think you're the only one who cares about us?" Anna's head fell, her shoulders rising an inch. "I miss you, Anna, and I want to work this out with you. How can I do that if you keep pushing me away?"
A part of her expected the silence that followed. It was the only answer Anna had been gracing her with ever since she confessed to the truth. But the sadness, the emptiness, and the frustration of not being able to receive a response still stung.
She covered her face with both hands and breathed slowly, trying to calm her racing thoughts.
"I'm scared."
Elsa's fingers twitched. Another silence ensued. She then lowered her hands to see the look on Anna's face. The sight made her freeze on the spot. There were tears pooling in Anna's eyes and there was a broken smile, an expression on her face that Elsa had never seen on her before—defeat.
"You saw how Belle and my brother backed Senya into a corner. You saw how... how they hyped the crowd just to get her to confess about you," Anna said, her voice becoming weaker and softer. "I'm scared that if he finds out, he won't leave you alone. What if you avoided me because of that? Or worse, what if... what if you stayed and he keeps pressuring you?"
"Anna—"
"I'm scared, Elsa. That if you tell him who you are, you'll only do it because of me and not because you really wanted to." Elsa tensed. "I don't want you to get out of your comfort zone for me. I don't want you to... to hate me."
That was it. As if something broke, Anna hid her face behind her hands as the tears began to fall. Elsa swallowed, unsure what to say or do. She had seen Anna cry once, back when she was confined in the hospital, but it wasn't like this. This was cold. This was empty. This was just... broken.
"I'm sorry," the redhead sobbed, rubbing her eyes again and again. "I'm sorry. I'm so—"
"Anna." Elsa grabbed those arms and gently pried them away, pausing upon seeing those swollen eyes. "Why would you think like that?"
The tears rapidly rolled down the girl's flushed, freckled cheeks. With her hair messed up from running after Elsa and her constant shivering, Elsa released one hand and wiped the tears on her own. Anna moved to pull away, but this time, she did not let her.
"Anna." Anna tried to step back again. "Anna, please. Talk to me."
Her pleas hang in the air, answered simply by constant sobs. She wanted to wrap Anna in her arms. She wanted to make her stop crying, to promise it would be alright, but this was the first time Anna said something to her. It was the first time she opened up like this.
Elsa cupped the redhead's cheeks and carefully lifted them up. "I'm here."
Anna shook her head and grabbed Elsa's wrists. Elsa was about to protest when Anna leaned her forehead against her chest. "I'm sorry, Elsa. I'm not as strong as you think," she whispered. "I... want to believe that none of those things will happen, but every time I'm starting to, I always think you'll end up just like them."
The words, although they did not sound accusing, pierced right through Elsa's chest. Like them. She closed her eyes again, willing herself not to move and accept whatever she would learn tonight. Even if it meant that Anna was comparing her to someone.
"Like who?"
Silence.
Elsa exhaled softly and placed her hands on the girl's shoulders. "Anna, I want to know. I have to."
Anna twitched. They spent another minute like that until she eventually answered, "Everyone." It was only one word. One word, but Elsa could feel its weight with how Anna's shoulders slumped at the confession. "My classmates, my old teachers, my father's business partners, my brother's rivals... Ariel and... and Van."
Elsa pulled back. "A... Ariel and... Vanessa?"
Anna stayed quiet, resulting in the blonde's mind jumping from one thought to another. She had an inkling feeling that Vanessa had something to do with whatever issues Anna had. But a nickname basis? And Ariel?
"What happened?" Elsa was not surprised when she was answered with another silence. Gently, she pushed Anna back and crouched to look at her watery eyes. "Anna, what happened?"
Anna inhaled deeply and cleared her throat. "Nothing. F- Forget it."
"It isn't 'nothing' if it's still affecting you," Elsa pointed out. Anna looked away and wiped her cheeks again. "Back in Corona, you said you trust me. Is that still true?"
Anna flinched.
The tiny action and lack of verbal response squeezed something inside Elsa's chest. She hadn't expected that. Many times, Anna had answered her with silence. Many times, she had felt rejected and lost. She thought she would be used to it by now. But explicitly asking this question and not being answered...
Did I push too far?
Her hands slid down Anna's shoulders and fell limp on her sides. She could not see Anna's face behind those hands, but every hiccup, every sniff, and every sob that she made spoke volumes and sent Elsa into a spiral of emotions.
Anna had always been strong. She stood as Elsa's pillar of support on more than one occasion. What took years for her extended family, Anna was able to achieve in a few months—she made Elsa feel special in a way no one else could. Seeing her break down like this...
"Anna?" she coaxed, her voice shaking. "I want to help you. I want to show you that I'm different. I want to prove it's going to take more than this to make me hate you. But," her eyes fell shut when she heard another hiccup, a lone tear slipping down her cheek, "you're not letting me in."
Happy holidays, everyone!
I would like to apologize for only updating this story six times this 2019 (yes, I counted). I didn't have the best of year and it affected my updating schedule (what schedule?). Uhm, but yeah, I promise to do better next year.