Lily stood in the center of the now-empty living room, absentmindedly rubbing her stomach. She was now five months along, and her stomach looked as if she had stuffed a Quaffle under shirt.
She was pulled out of her reverie by James coming behind her and wrapping his arms around her shoulders. She looked up at him and smiled. "Ready?" he asked, grinning.
She nodded. "I was just saying goodbye." He set his chin on top of her head and they stood together, each saying goodbye to the flat that had housed them for over a year. "It's so weird, isn't it?" she asked. "We're about to move into a house, have a baby, we're married, it just seems so…" she trailed off unsure of a word to describe the way she felt. It seemed as if everything was coming at them so suddenly.
James didn't reply, but rather spun her around and kissed her. "It seems perfect to me, Mrs. Potter."
She rolled her eyes. "You're cheesy."
He laughed. "Come on, we've got a house to move into." He grabbed her hand and turned on the spot, the pair of them Apparating and disappearing from their flat with a loud crack.
They reappeared in the front yard of the cottage the Potters had gifted them. They no longer had to Apparate into back alleys and hide from the Muggles of London. Everyone in the town was magical, and Lily swore she could almost feel it in the atmosphere of the town. Almost like the magic permeated the very air.
She didn't move for a moment, admiring the cottage. It was two stories tall, white with wooden stripes running down the facade. Two chimneys bookended the house, and the windows had delicate diamond patterns obscuring the glass. "It's perfect," she whispered.
James squeezed her hand tighter, then lead the way into the house. He opened the door and they stepped in. Right inside was a staircase leading to the upstairs, and to the left was their living room, which lead into the kitchen beyond it. James had already used magic to move in their furniture, but boxes of small knick knacks and other miscellaneous items remained to be sorted out.
James pulled her upstairs and turned right, opening a door to a small room with a window that overlooked the forest behind them. "I thought this could be the baby's room," he said, gesturing, "we could put the crib here, and we could put a chair over here, and maybe a toy box here." He moved around the room, miming where items could go.
She beamed, he was so excited to have this baby. "And we could all go on walks in the forest back there," she said, pointing.
James nodded excitedly. "And picnics in the backyard," he added. He came up behind Lily and hugged her, resting his chin on her head. "And he can bring his friends over, and once he gets to Hogwarts he'll be on the quidditch team and he can practice in the field back there."
Lily looked up at him, grining. "He?"
James paused, then shrugged. "Well if it's a she, then once she gets to Hogwarts she'll be on the quidditch team and she can practice in the field back there."
Lily laughed. "Are you going to turn all of our children into mini jock versions of you? What if they want to study for Potions in the library?"
"They can do that, too. They can do whatever they want." James kissed her forehead as she turned to face him. "I'll just love the ones on the quidditch team more."
Lily smacked his chest. "James!"
He pretended to be hurt, laughing through his fake pout. "I'm kidding, Lils. I'm going to love them no matter what." She rested her head on his chest and he slid his hands down to hold her slightly-protruding belly. "I'll always love them and be there for them."
Lily took a deep breath and blinked away tears starting to form. She was extremely emotional these days. She stepped back and looked up at him. "Let's get started on unpacking those boxes down there, yeah?"
James nodded and took her hand, leading her down the stairs into the living room. They sat and unpacked boxes, discussing where things should go, whether or not this vase would look better on the table or on the mantel, feeling extremely grown-up, despite their young age.
Lily suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion. She was constantly tired these days. Pregnancy really takes it out of you, she thought. She stood up and collapsed onto the couch, sighing heavily.
James stood up to join her, but was interrupted by the sound of tapping at the window. He turned and saw a brown owl pecking the kitchen window lightly but insistently.
He crossed the room and opened the window, letting the bird hop in. He took the scroll from the bird's leg, using his index finger to stroke the bird's head as he did so. He read over the short letter, frowning.
"What is it?" Lily asked from her spot on the couch.
"Apparently my parents have dragon pox. They said we shouldn't come over for dinner this weekend," he said, reaching for a scrap piece of parchment and quill.
Lily watched him scribble a reply. "That's a shame, I hope they're okay."
"I'm sure they're fine. Maybe I'll go see them for a bit, see if they need anything," he said, attaching the parchment to the owl's leg and letting it out of the window. "Dragon pox usually isn't serious," he said as he closed the window and came to sit next to her, "but they don't want to take any chances with the baby. Dragon pox isn't studied very well, so there's no telling what could happen if you got it and somehow passed it on to the baby."
Lily's heart skipped a beat and she instinctively moved her hand to cover her stomach. James aw her eyes widen and held her hand. "Don't worry Lils, you'll both be fine."
Lily nodded, laughing at her own worry. "I just feel so protective. Everything worries me."
"Easy there, mama Hippogriff," James said, stroking her hair.
Lily rolled her eyes.
Once Lily had sat for a moment they resumed their unpacking, working from room to room until the cottage started to feel like their home.
The owl returned and James took the scroll, handing it a treat he had just found in one of the boxes. The owl screeched and took it, the crunching echoing through the almost empty future nursery. James' brow knitted together as he read it. "They don't want me to visit them, they don't want me passing anything on to you," he said.
"I'll be fine, I'm sure," she said. "You should go see them. If they're both sick they might need help or someone to take them to St. Mungo's."
James thought for a moment, then shrugged. "I'm sure they're fine. They said in the letter they're just feeling a bit under the weather. Plus they have the house elves to get them whatever they need."
Lily nodded. "That's true. And you said dragon pox isn't serious, so I'm sure they'll be better by next week."
"Are your ankles swollen too?" Alice asked her, looking down at her own stomach.
Lily nodded. "It's awful," she said. "I had to to use engorgio on my shoes the other day."
Alice laughed. "My isn't that bad, but it's certainly not comfortable." She shook her head. "How funny is it that we both got pregnant at the same time?" Alice asked, reaching for Lily's hand across the table.
"Though you actually planned yours," Lily said, feeling slightly ashamed.
Alice shook her head again. "Just because your baby wasn't planned doesn't mean you won't love them all the same." She moved her hand to pat Lily's slightly protruding stomach and Lily laughed.
"I was scared at first, but I think I'm excited. James has been amazing, I think he's more excited than I am. He's been decorating the nursery, reading parenting books." She smiled and sat back against her wooden chair. They were all meeting in the Leaky Cauldron, waiting for instructions. James and Sirius were across the room, quietly discussing something. She looked around the room. Everyone looked different than the last time she saw them. More people had dark circles under their eyes; everyone seemed to have a permanently furrowed brow.
She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She tried not to think about how worried she was to bring a child into this world during this war, but subtle instances like this one seemed constantly reminding her of their irresponsibility.
The door slammed open and everyone jumped, hands instinctively flying towards their wands. Some even stood up, ready for anything. Alastor Moody stepped in, his false leg making loud thuds on the dirty stone floors of the pub.
His magical eye swiveled in its socket wildly, no doubt surveying everyone present. After a moment he coughed and his gravelly voice boomed across the silent room. "Been tailing some Death Eaters for days. We think they're going to attempt another attack, this time in a Muggle shopping area."
A couple quiet gasps punctuated his sentence, causing his eye to swing rapidly to find the source. "Main point of this mission is to be as undetected as possible. The more Muggles we prevent from seeing anything, the better off we'll be. If that's not the case though," he looked around the room, "I hope you've all brushed up on your memory spells."
People shifted uncomfortably. Erasing memories was always a dicey topic. Alastor ignored the change in mood and nodded. "Everyone ready?"
People got to their feet and put their coats on. James crossed the room and held Lily's hand before they turned and Apparated to the spot discussed earlier.
They landed heavily on the cobblestone. Lily leaned against the brick wall for support, breathing heavily. Apparating was getting harder and harder the more pregnant she became.
James squeezed her shoulder, and Lily stood up straight. They exited the back alley they had appeared in and slipped into the crowd, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. Lily kept her eyes up, spotting Marlene and Dorcas not far from them.
James looked around behind them, seeing Sirius and Peter leaning against a wall, covertly eyeing everyone else around them. He scanned the area, looking for anything, or anyone, that seemed out of place.
Mostly it seemed to be Muggles hustling from store to store. James spotted a mother holding a baby in her arms and pulling a toddler behind her. His stomach clenched. He hoped she would be gone before anything happened here.
Every time he saw children he instinctively felt protective- a side effect from Lily's pregnancy, no doubt. He kept imagining how horrible it would be to lose their baby, and it wasn't even born yet. He shuddered, trying to shake the thought away.
Lily touched his hand and he nodded at her, following her to a more crowded area, his eyes surveying the place as he did. A shout made Lily jump and grip her wand harder, but it was simply a child calling after his mother. She took a deep breath and moved to lean against a wall. Her and James pretended to have a conversation, both keeping an eye out for any trouble as they half-heartedly discussed the weather or whether or not they liked split pea soup.
It happened quickly. A black flash burst in front of them, shattering the glass windows of a shop nearby. and landed on the ground with a puff of smoke, materializing into a cloaked man with a silver skull mask. Death Eaters.
All around Muggles were screaming and running in different directions. Lily rushed forward, pointing them to the exits, trying to get between them and the multiplying Death Eaters.
She shot a stunning spell at a Death Eater advancing at them, causing him to drop to the floor. The Muggle woman she was standing next to screamed and ran away from Lily, hopefully away from the fight.
James had lost Lily, and was pushing through the crowds, trying to get clear shots at the Death Eaters without hitting any Muggles. He saw Remus on the other side of the building, throwing hexes at a Death Eater. James ran to try to help him, but a Death Eater appeared in front of him before he could.
Immediately James threw up a shield spell, reflecting whatever curse the Death Eater had just sent his way. He sent a stunning spell back, but missed. He cursed. He had to be extra careful not to hit anyone else in the vicinity.
He fought with him for a few moments more, finally hitting him with a full-body bind, causing him to drop to the ground with a thud.
James silently cheered and moved on, looking for Remus or Lily or Sirius or Peter. He turned his head wildly from side to side, searching. He groaned in frustration as he was pushed around by the crowd, people running every direction trying to escape.
"Go!" he yelled at the people surrounding him. "Get out, run as far as you can!"
A woman fell over and he yanked her up, maybe harder than he should. "GO!" he yelled again. She nodded, tears in her eyes, running away from him.
He cursed and looked around again for his friends, not seeing anyone. He kept fighting his way through, trying his best to throw off Death Eaters and making sure the Muggles got out.
He heard a blood-curdling scream and his whipped around, afraid of what he might see.
A Muggle had been hoisted into the air, her body wriggling pathetically as she clawed at her throat. "STOP!" James yelled, but his voice was masked by the shouts of everyone around him.
He tore his eyes from the Muggle and saw the familiar waxen face that had haunted him for years now.
Voldemort.
Voldemort watched the Muggle with fascination, as someone might watch an ant crawl across a forest floor. It sickened James. Voldemort's face contorted into what could only be understood as a smile, though it was grotesque.
James rushed forward, throwing random hexes at Voldemort, watching them bounce off of an invisible shield weakly.
Voldemort sighed and flicked his wand, causing the neck of the Muggle to break with a loud snap. Her body fell to the ground, limp. Voldemort turned to face James, looking annoyed that he had interrupted his time with the Muggle.
However, when he recognized who his assailant was, he smiled again, the skin of his face stretching over his bones in a way that made James want to vomit.
"Potter," he said, as if he was greeting an old friend. "How good of you to join us." He walked forward, and James stumbled back, keeping his wand aloft. Voldemort shook his head, his smile gone. "Don't be rude," he said, flicking his wand and causing James to be frozen where he stood. "Now, Potter, where is your lovely bride?" He cackled, the shrill sound piercing James' ears.
"Right here," Lily said, as she threw a stunning spell at him.
Voldemort just barely deflected it. Anger flashed across his face before he resumed his calm demeanor. "Ah, Lily." His eyes moved downward. "I suppose I must offer my," he hesitated, his face contorting. "Congratulations." He gestured towards her stomach. Lily's hands instinctively covered her bump. He barked out a laugh. "You are both so foolish." He laughed again. "You were both already so weak, and now you have that," he referenced their unborn child with contempt. "It only makes you weaker."
"You're wrong," James said, fighting against the body-binding spell. "You're the weak one, Tom."
Voldemort's eyes flashed and he yelled out, throwing a spell at Lily. She was thrown back against a wall, hitting her head against the hard brick. She gasped, and slumped over, clutching her head.
"No!" James yelled.
"See?" Voldemort shook his head, walking slowly towards James. "You care for her, and that makes you weak. You feel as if you must protect her. She is nothing but a liability to you, James."
James shook his head. "Just because you can't feel love doesn't make those who can weak," he retorted. "Once we defeat you, you will be nothing. No one will remember you, you won't have a legacy. You will be nothing," he spat.
Voldemort yelled and lifted his wand, about to send a curse right into James' chest.
He was suddenly thrown back, Dorcas standing across from him, wand held high.
James fell, Voldemort's body-bind spell broken.
Dorcas continued, throwing curses at Voldemort, him barely being able to hold them back.
James joined her, both of them assaulting him. He threw ever curse he knew, hoping one would stick.
Voldemort froze, and James thought one of them had finally hit him, but he turned, disappearing into a puff of smoke and flying away shattering several windows of the shopping center as he did.
James panted, his hands on his knees. He cursed. Voldemort had gotten away, again. He stood up and saw Lily, still slumped against the wall. His heart leapt to his throat and he ran to her, kneeling down. "Lily!" He cupped her face. "Lily, are you alright? Are you hurt? Lily? Lily what's wrong?"
She shook her head. "James, I'm fine. I just hit my head." She pushed his hands away. "It's nothing." She smiled, then grabbed her head, her vision still blurry. The room was spinning and she tried to focus on a spot on the floor, hoping her dizziness would subside quickly.
James looked at her and she nodded again, this time actually meaning that she was okay. Her head was still throbbing, but she could see clearly again. "I'm fine. I really am." She placed her hands beside her, about to get up.
James gave her a hard look. "I don't want you going on missions any more."
She laughed. "Yeah, alright. Help me stand up." She put her hand on the ground and attempted to shift her weight so she could get to her feet.
James kept his hand firm on her shoulder, not allowing her to move. "I don't want you going on missions any more," he repeated. "It's not safe for the baby. What if you fell on your stomach? Or got hit?"
Lily's brows furrowed together, glaring at James. "Well I didn't. I'm fine, so help me stand up."
"I'm serious Lily, you have to think about the baby. I don't want you to lose him just because of a stupid mission."
"I'm not losing anything. I told you, I'm fine," she said, getting angry. Who was he to tell her what she could and couldn't do?
He sighed, exasperated. "You're being selfish, it's not just about you anymore, you're carrying my child and-"
Lily's eyes widened. "Your child?"
James shook his head, attempting to back track. "No, I mean our child, I just don't-"
"I'm not being selfish, James," she retorted. "I'm trying to stop this bloody war that's happening around us so that your child can have a better place to grow up!" She shoved his hand off and awkwardly got to her feet, her stomach throwing her balance.
James took a step back. "I know what you're trying to do, and I'm not saying that. I'm saying that while you are carrying another human life in you, you should be careful," he tried to reach out to her but she took a step back.
"Oh really? Is that what I'm doing?" She looked down at her stomach and pretended to look shocked. "Is that what this is? Is that why I threw up every time I woke up for months? Is that why my shoes you don't fit? Is that why my back is in constant pain? Is that why I feel like yelling and crying and laughing all at the same time?" She laughed. "Thank you for telling me, I had no idea!"
"You're acting crazy, come on-"
"Crazy?" Lily's face turned as red as her hair. She glared at James and took a deep breath. "Fine." She turned on her heel and Disapparated, leaving James behind.
James threw his hands up and turned around, stopping when he saw Sirius, Remus, and Peter standing behind him. Sirius was holding in laughter, Remus was shaking his head, and Peter looked frightened. James scoffed. "She's being ridiculous!"
"You should never call a woman crazy, let alone a pregnant woman," Remus said, still shaking his head.
Sirius starting laughing loudly. "Yeah Prongs, you got a death wish?"
"Oh now I'm irrational for wanting her to take care of our unborn child?" James said, exasperated.
"You better go apologize, Prongs. I don't think you're going to win this one," Peter said quietly.
James glared at him for a second, but then sighed heavily. "Yeah, alright." He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes before putting them back on. "I'll catch up with you later. Tell Mad-Eye we had to go and I'll submit a report later."
"Good luck," Sirius said, still laughing. "Judging by the color of her face, I think you'll be lucky if she even lets you in the house."
James made a rude gesture before turning and Disapparating.
He appeared in front of the house, his feet hitting the soft grass of the front lawn. He shook his head and made his way towards the door.
He opened it and saw Lily sitting on the couch, folding laundry. "Lily-" he started, but she looked up and glared, silencing him. He held his hands up in defense and moved past her to the kitchen.
"Do you want a cup of tea?" He called behind him. Lily didn't answer. He sighed and got down two mugs, deciding it would be best to make one for her anyway. He watched the kettle boil until a tap on the window pulled him from his reverie. He looked up and saw a brown owl pecking the window to be let in.
He rolled his eyes as he moved to open the window, thinking it was probably a note from Mad-Eye. He detached the note from the owl's leg and unfurled it.
His stomach dropped.
Lily came into the kitchen at that moment. "I just think it's funny how-" she stopped when she saw his face. She crossed the room and touched his arm. "What is it?"
James reread the note again and shook his head. "It's, it's my parents, they're," he sucked in a shaky breath, "they're dead."
Lily's eyes went wide. "What?"
He handed her the note. "It's from St. Mungo's. The, the dragon pox, it was more serious than they thought... they want me to go," he shuddered, "they want me to go collect their bodies."
He stood, unmoving, stunned.
"That's not possible! We just saw them, they said not to come see them because they were fine," she trailed off, rereading the note, looking for anything that might show that this wasn't real.
James stared at Lily's hands clutching the note, his mind blank. He couldn't speak; he couldn't move. "We just," he struggled to find the words. "I don't," he closed his mouth. There was no way this was real. This was some cruel joke someone was playing on him, some tactic by the Death Eaters to lure them out of hiding.
Lily kept shaking her head, her lips trembling. "What," she frowned, rereading the note once again. "What are you going to do?"
James blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Do we go to St. Mungo's? Do we contact someone? What do we do?" she asked, her mind going a thousand miles a minute.
James shook his head. "I don't, I don't know, I don't know what we do, I don't-" his voice caught in his throat and he had to take a deep breath.
Lily looked up at him, fear in her eyes. "James. I'm so sorry."
He shook his head again, then took the note and read it. "Why didn't anyone tell me they went to St. Mungo's?" he said angrily. He cursed.
"I don't know, maybe it was really sudden, maybe we missed the note or something?" she said quietly, trying to make sense of the situation.
"We're in this house all fucking day! We never go anywhere except to follow Moody around on his dumb fucking missions! Why didn't anyone tell me my fucking parents were admitted to the god damn hospital?" he yelled, slamming his hand on the counter. Lily jumped. He looked at her and sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
"No, it's fine. I understand," she said, remembering her outburst in her home shortly after her mother's death. She felt a stab in her chest as the emotions came back, this time twice-fold.
He looked at the owl sitting perched on their window, watching the pair of them carefully. "I guess we go to St. Mungo's," he murmured.
Lily frowned. "Well we need to think of what to do with their um," she paused, trying to put it delicately.
"Their corpses?" James said, the words hoarse. He felt like throwing up.
Lily sighed; there was no way of tip-toeing around this. "Yes." She reached out to touch his arm. "What do wizards um, do, with-"
James' jaw tightened. "They have a plot. The rest of the Potters are buried there." He took another deep breath. "I guess we plan a funeral? I don't know how this works," he said.
"I do," Lily whispered. "I'll do it."
"No, Lily-"
She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. "Yes." She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "You need to let Sirius know."
James' stomach flipped and he gripped the sink, breathing heavily.
"James?"
Her question was interrupted by him vomiting into the sink. She jumped and grabbed a towel, handing it to him. He bent over the sink, heaving into it, crying and panting. She filled a glass with water and set it next to him, rubbing his back.
"James, you're scaring me, do you need-"
He took the towel and wiped his face, then turned on the sink and splashed water around the basin, cleaning them mess. He shook his head, then nodded slowly. "I'll, I'll let Sirius know." He walked away suddenly before Lily could say anything else.
She stood in the kitchen, staring at the sink, unsure of what to do. She heard muffled voices in the other room and knew that James was using their two-way mirror to tell Sirius the bad news.
She heard Sirius' voice cry out and tears pricked her eyes. She started to sob quietly.
How many more people do we have to lose? She thought.
After the funeral Lily and James sat in their kitchen, James staring out the window. His tie was undone, his hair disheveled. He had been drinking.
He barely registered an owl tapping at their window insistently. Lily looked at him for a moment, then when she realized he wasn't going to do anything, she stood up and crossed the room to open the window and let the owl hop in.
She stroked its head as she detached the long scroll from its leg. She read it once, slowly and carefully. She looked back up at James, who was still staring out the window. "James," Lily said, softly touching his shoulder. "I'm sorry, but they say you have to deal with the estate, the house, the elves, all of that."
James didn't look at her, shaking his head. "Tell them I don't want it."
"They left it to you in their will-"
"Yeah well I don't want it," he said, trying to hold back the annoyance in his voice. "Give it to whatever Potter or Peverell is next. Give it to the McKinnons, I don't care."
Lily frowned. "I suppose I could tell them to find your next of kin."
He pushed off his seat, causing her hand to drop. He walked out the back door. "Tell them whatever to do whatever the fuck they want. I don't care." The door slammed behind him, leaving Lily in silence to look over the letter in her hands.
She sighed and stood, crossing the house to grab a roll of parchment from a cabinet. She dipped her quill in ink and penned a short reply stating James' wishes.
She knew they would keep the vault the Potters had left them; there was enough money in there to make sure that neither the two of them nor their child had to work, if they didn't want to. As for the house and elves, she stated that they should be given to James' next of kin, and if there wasn't one to be found, he bequeathed the estate to the McKinnon family.
She finished the reply and read over it once, then signed James' name for him. He didn't need to deal with this right now.
She tied the reply to her owl's leg and sent her off with a treat, then turned to put the kettle on. She looked out the kitchen window, looking to see if she could see James anywhere. She didn't see him and concluded that he must have gone into the forest or wandered into town.
The kettle whistled and she shook her head, clearing her thoughts before turning to pour the boiling water into a mug. She felt so horribly for James. She knew he blamed himself, and how guilty he felt for not going to visit them before they passed.
She dipped a tea bag into the mug and watched the leaves soak up the water. Both of our parents are dead, she thought. The thought made tears prick the corners of her eyes before she quickly wiped them away. A sudden fear gripped her chest and she moved her hand instinctively to her stomach. Who will take care of our baby if we die?
Once Lily became pregnant she had assumed that the Potters would care for Harry if she or James were killed in the war, or if something else tragic happened. But now they were alone, no family to take care of their child. She suddenly realized that wasn't true. Petunia and Vernon were technically her next of kin.
She shuddered at the thought of Petunia raising her child. As soon as the baby started to show any signs of magic, Petunia might kick him out, or worse. Vernon would throw an eleven year old out on the street before he raised a witch or wizard.
She felt something drip on her arm and she noticed she had been crying. She laughed slightly, then pulled her sleeve to wipe her wet cheeks. She was worrying for nothing. They would be fine, and she didn't have to worry about who was going to raise their baby.
She looked out the window one last time, hoping to see James. When she didn't she turned and retreated to the living room to read and sip her tea.
James shoved his hands in his pockets and pulled his jacket tighter. He watched his feet move, taking steps almost without him willing it. He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even realized where he had wandered to. He looked around, realizing he had ended up in the middle of the forest, completely surrounded by trees.
He took a deep breath, breathing in the cool scent of the forest. It calmed him, being in the woods. He looked around, finding a fallen tree to sit on for a while. He watched an ant crawl along the bark in seemingly erratic patterns, searching for food.
He looked up at the gray sky just barely poking through the trees and sighed. He wanted to go back to a week ago, and see his parents one last time. Tears slipped down his face and he reached up, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes.
He didn't feel like doing anything. He didn't want to deal with the estate, he didn't want to acknowledge their deaths. He just wanted everyone to leave him alone.
A sudden feeling of guilt crept up on him. When Lily's mum died she dealt with all of this on her own, he thought. He didn't know how she did it. He wanted to crawl under this log and sleep until he didn't feel the pain anymore.
He sat like that for a long time, not noticing the cold, or the dark starting to settle in around him. He breathed quietly, thinking of nothing and everything all at the same time. He couldn't focus on a thought. It seemed as soon as he could think clearly, it slipped away, leaving his head in a fog. He wanted to scream, but couldn't find the energy. He wanted to cry, but his body wouldn't will it.
The sun had been set for a long time before he finally mustered up the ability to move.
He slowly made his way back to the house, secretly hoping Lily had already gone to bed and that he wouldn't have to talk to her.
He reached the back door and quietly opened it, slipping into their dark kitchen. He made his way into the living room and spotted Lily on the couch, wringing her hands.
"James!" she said in surprise. "Where have you been? I was so worried," she struggled to stand up and crossed the room.
He brushed her off and shook his head. "I'm sorry Lils, I can't." He pushed past her and made his way upstairs, leaving her alone.
He pulled off his shoes and laid down in bed, making a silent vow to never move from this spot again.
A week had passed since the funeral, and Lily was standing in the living room, frowning at a sock on the floor. She was at the stage in her pregnancy where if something was on the floor, it stayed there until James or someone else could retrieve it for her.
There was a sudden knock on the door and she jumped. She pulled out her wand and slowly opened the door, revealing Sirius and Remus on the other side. They smiled half-heartedly at her. "Dog," Sirius said.
"Wolf," Remus said, both of them answering her security questions before she could even get them out. They had been in this state of paranoia for long it had become mundane.
She stepped aside to let them in. "James is upstairs," she said, knowing Sirius was about to ask. He nodded and turned, heading towards Lily and James' bedroom.
"How are you?" Remus asked, picking up the sock on the floor and handing it to her before he sat down on their couch.
She thanked him, then sat down too. She shrugged. "We're okay." She lowered her voice. "James is struggling. He hasn't left the room for a couple of days. I can barely get him to eat. I don't know what I can do."
Remus sighed. "I don't think there's anything you can do, Lils. People grieve in their own ways. James was worried about you after your mum died, we all were. You wouldn't eat or sleep or sit down either," he said gently.
Lily nodded, realizing he was right. "I just feel so useless. I wish there was something I could do to help him."
Remus put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder. "Just be there for him when he needs you. That's all you can do."
Lily nodded, watching Sirius' retreating form ascend the stairs.
He made his way down the hallway and knocked softly on the slightly ajar bedroom door. "James?" He called softly.
"What?" James replied waspishly.
Sirius stepped into the room. James was sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed, staring out the window on the opposite side. He had his arms wrapped around his knees, his gaze hard. "I just wanted to see if you were okay." James grunted. "Do you want to talk?"
"No. No I don't," he retorted. He didn't look at Sirius.
Sirius sighed and leaned against the shut door. "I really think it would be good-"
"I don't care what you think, Sirius. I just lost my fucking parents. They're literally just gone and I was an idiot who didn't even go see them before they died." His voice cracked and he ran his hand across his face, wiping away tears as quickly as they came. He wanted Sirius to leave. He didn't want to talk to anyone.
"I know, I-"
James cut him off again, finally looking at him. His anger made his hands shake as his eyes bore into Sirius'. "No, you don't fucking know. You have absolutely no idea how this feels." No one knew how he felt, he just wanted to be left to grieve in peace.
"They were my parents too, James," Sirius said quietly.
James opened his mouth to reply, but saw Sirius' face and stopped. His stomach immediately clenched. His anger dissipated and was replaced with guilt. In his grief he had forgotten that he wasn't alone, that Sirius had to be grieving just as much as him. "I'm sorry. I know, I didn't mean-"
"I know." Sirius crossed the room and sat down next to him, leaning his head against the bed. "I'm sorry."
"Me too." James took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. They were red, swollen, and puffy from the hours he had spent crying. "I miss them, Pads." It felt good to talk to Sirius, to know they were feeling the same thing. He hadn't said anything to anyone in days.
"Me too," Sirius said, getting choked up. "I hadn't seen them in so long, we've all been so busy with the missions and our lives. I said Remus and I were going to come 'round for tea at some point, but we never," he trailed off, not able to finish.
James nodded. "Lils and I were supposed to see them, but they were worried about giving dragon pox to Lily or the baby." Tears came again. "They aren't going to meet our kid," he whispered. "We got them mugs that said that they were grandparents on them." His chest hurt to think of those mugs, probably sitting on their counter. He thought about how excited they were to meet the baby, to be grandparents. James choked back a sob.
Sirius pat James' back. "I know, I'm sorry."
"It's not fair, Pads. Of all of the people-" he sucked in a breath. "Of all of the times..."
Sirius nodded. "It's not fucking fair." He laughed bitterly. "Why couldn't Voldemort get dragon pox, eh?"
James laughed dryly, both at Sirius' comment and at the horrible truth of how unfair life could be. "Yeah, really." He shook his head. "Of all of the shit going wrong in the world, and all of the horrible things we've had to deal with, the universe couldn't cut us one fucking break?" he said angrily.
"What's another death to us at this point?" Sirius said, his tone suddenly dark.
James couldn't argue. "Another death," he repeated.
"Come on, you should eat something," Sirius said, standing up and holding out his hand for James to grab. "You've got Lily worried sick, and stress isn't good for the baby."
James rolled his eyes and took Sirius' hand, standing up. "What do you know about pregnancy?"
Sirius shook his head. "I meant me."
James laughed, sincerely this time, shaking his head. "You're ridiculous, you know that?" He felt better. He also felt starving.
Sirius shined his wolfish grin and punched James in the arm playfully. "Yet you keep me around."
"Says more about me than it does you," James joked, walking past him into the hallway and descending the staircase.
"He's alive!" Sirius proclaimed as he bounded down the stairs, followed by James.
Lily's heart broke when she saw him. He hadn't shaved, and his hair was in more disarray than usual. His eyes were sunken and surrounded by dark moons, making him look ten years older than he was.
He came up to her and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry, Lily."
She shook her head. "You don't have any reason to apologize. I shut you out too when my mum," she made a vague gesture, knowing that James would get her meaning without her having to say the words aloud.
She stood up and hugged him. "You need to eat."
He nodded and followed her to the kitchen, the pain in his chest still there, but subdued.