Chapter 51.
Dean was arranging chairs around one of the tables when he had a sudden certainty that Cas was in trouble. It wasn't physical danger. It felt as if Cas stood on the edge of a cliff and he was swaying over a dark void. He needed somebody to call him back from the edge.
Dean put down the chair he was holding and took out his phone. "I just need to call Cas." he said to Sarah, "Something's wrong."
"How do you know?" she said.
"I can feel it." he said.
"How is that possible, if the talismans are working?" she said.
"It isn't." he said and he should have felt relief at the thought, but he didn't. "It wasn't the same." he said to her, "It was a vague awareness that he was in danger of falling into ... into despair, I think. It wasn't like the full mind curse experience with sound and vision."
"What do you think that means?" she said.
"I imagined it. Which means I'm crazy."
"Which means you're worried about him." she said, "Maybe you should call him, just to prove to yourself that he's fine."
It was tempting, but if he called, he would have to explain why. "No," he said, "He needs to feel safe. If I raise doubts about the talismans, he won't be able to relax. He needs to know that they work. They do work, we know that. My lapse of reason; my problem. He needs to know he can trust in the talismans."
"Tell Sam, then. Maybe there's a problem with the talismans." said Sarah.
"If I tell Sam, Cas could find out. There can't be a problem with the talismans. They even worked when I was asleep. They work. Of course they work. Sam and Jack don't make mistakes with stuff like that. The mind curse is blocked. I just need to pull myself together and I need to do it alone, because if I make Cas think there's a problem, he'll do something stupid."
"Like reduce his grace?"
"Or go to Heaven, or just go."
"You think about all possible future events, don't you?"
"I have to." he said.
"And is there a single storyline playing out in your head that involves you and Castiel together for life?"
"Only the ones where life is very short for one or both of us." he admitted.
"You've got a dozen personal apocalypses in your head, haven't you? And all of them start with you asking too much or revealing too much."
"Sounds about right." he said, though he could have listed at least thirty ways it could all go wrong.
"And you're afraid all the time and certain that nothing good can last."
"I am, yeah." he said.
"You're not crazy, Dean."
"I hope I am, because if this is sanity, my life is a crapfest."
"You're not crazy. You're tired and depressed and afraid and you hardly have anyone you can talk to and those you could talk to, you are too busy trying to protect. For decades, you've been fighting a battle you think will never end. You've been through Heaven, Hell and Purgatory and even this world feels like a cosmic battleground to you. I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're exhausted. You're very sane."
"Then why am I imagining Cas in danger?" he said.
"Because, when we're exhausted, we imagine things to be worse than they are. Because you love him and you need him to be safe and you're afraid he's not."
"Admit it, you think this is a bad sign too." he said.
"I admit that it's a bad sign that you are so upset by this. It's not a great sign that you want to deal with it alone. Keeping secrets from Sam never seems to work out well for you."
"Don't mention this to Sam. You don't know him like I do."
"You think I don't know he's on the brink of a breakdown? There are times when one loud noise could set it off. I know Sam is vulnerable. I also know that he knows you. All that, 'I'm fine, Sam.' nonsense is not ever likely to work with him. He knows you're hurting and he needs to help and every time he tries, you push him away, just like you do with Castiel. Your reasons are the best, my dear, but you make so many bad decisions out of love and the need to protect them."
Dean grabbed the key that dangled from his neck. "The only reason for wearing this is to give Cas peace. If I make him doubt that it works, that peace vanishes. Even if the talismans work forever, he will never trust them and so he will never feel safe."
"So you have to fight alone, against these fears of yours?"
"I'm fine with that. I'm used to it. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm not. Either way, my battle, not theirs."
She gently took the key from his hand and laid it against his chest. "I know that battlefield. I know that feeling. I know that to fight alone is to fail and fall. Has Cas told you he saved my life?"
"No." he said.
"When he first came trespassing on my land, I was in the middle of getting my affairs in order. The doctors had very kindly told me there was no chance of curing the cancer I hadn't noticed before it was too late. It had started in the lungs, the result of breathing the terrible air I had to breathe at disaster sites across the globe, but it had spread. They promised they could control the pain and grant me some small comfort as my life ebbed away. I was old and I had lost everyone. It should have come as blessed release. But humans are strange creatures, as Castiel will tell you. Even then, with nothing to live for, I wanted to stay alive."
"So would I." said Dean.
"Yes, even with your instinct for self-destruction, there is a spark in you that will not go out easily. The worst thing for me was knowing that there would be nobody to care for my bees and that there would be a day when I would not be there to check on the hives and nobody would be able to tell them why I was not there."
He looked into her blue eyes and saw how much that thought still hurt. He could not imagine having so much love for insects, but he suspected that Cas might feel the same.
She patted his chest. "And when that angel of ours appeared, wandering around the hives, talking to the girls, I could see he was troubled and I just thought, 'I will make a difference to one more life, if I can.' So I went out and I talked to him and I promised he could come whenever he wanted, to see the bees and to talk to me. Soon after we met, he asked if I wanted the cancer gone."
"Stupid question." said Dean.
"No, a loving one. It's funny. I never really doubted he was an angel, even before that. It felt true. It felt real. It would have been a weird story to tell if false. But when he reached out and healed me, I was still surprised. I didn't feel worthy of the miracle. He also cleared up the arthritis in my hip." She smiled. "I think I cried for three hours, just overwhelmed with gratitude."
"I'm so glad he healed you. The world needs you." said Dean, "Sam and Cas and I need you."
"I'd felt so alone. The doctors were so thoughtful and gentle, but they didn't know how I felt. How could they? To them, death was a distant prospect or a failure in their work. Life was just a default. Castiel knew my fears. He knew my fight and when I needed someone to save me, he did it without a second thought."
"He's saved me too, many times." said Dean.
"You're not alone in this fight either." she said, "Let me help you. Let me be your ally. Whatever your mental state, whatever emotions happen to be hurling you around like a feather in a tornado, I will never judge you and I will never discard you. The angel who saved me loves you with all his giant heart and I love both of you."
"Everything hurts right now." he said, tired of pretending otherwise.
"I know, my dear. I know." she said.
"And maybe, I am beyond anyone's help."
"Everyone thinks that of themselves." she said, "All I need is your permission to try and your willingness to cooperate."
"And it begins with a dance at the party?" he said.
"With that, or with something else. If the dance is impossible, at least agree to spend more time talking with me. I don't need promises." she said, "I only need you to try."
"Okay. I'll also try to talk to Sam, when Cas isn't around. He needs to know if the brain isn't firing right and if there is a problem with the talismans, he needs to find a solution."
"Good." said Sarah.
"Sarah, why don't you tell Cas to get as far from me as he can? The thought must have crossed your mind."
"No, I've always thought you were good for him."
"Always?" he said.
"Always." she confirmed.
"I wish I believed I was." he said.
"So do I." she said.