Thank you so much Jenjoremy for the fab beta job. Thank you VegasGranny and Ncsupnatfan for being the best pre-readers around. Thank you all for reading xxx
I am putting out an early update as there's something I need from you all. There's a long message at the end of the chapter.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jo sat on the bed and put her head in her hands. She wasn't cruel, she really wasn't, but she couldn't stay here any longer. She was in danger because of her proximity to Dean Winchester.
She had seen in the nightmare the djinn had created for her what would become of her if Michael found her, and she couldn't risk that.
As one of only two angels on earth, the only one not openly allied to the Winchesters, she was hot property to him. Soon he would have a vessel—if he didn't have one already—and then he would be back to creating his monsters. He would want her to help him, she knew. In truth, she had known it for a long time, but she'd thought she was protected where she was. Dean Winchester would die for his brother, as would his mother or Castiel, and she'd thought that was to her benefit, but she saw now that Sam's life was just too dangerous. If Dean had not persuaded him to keep hunting, if she could have stayed in the bunker with its enhanced protections following the reaper's attack, she would have been safer.
Because of Dean, Sam was going to fling himself into more and more hunts, and there was a risk of Michael finding her with every one. She had no idea how the connection between him and his creations worked, but if he saw Sam and discovered she was there, too, it would be over for her.
She did want to help Sam, but it was too difficult. It would take years to heal him, if she ever could, and she would be trapped and in danger all that time. And she couldn't leave Sam behind. As bad as it would be to doom the man to the existence he would have without her—she couldn't call it a life—the more pressing need was her own. Sam was a strong vessel. She knew he would be able to hold her grace well since he had been strong enough to hold Lucifer, and if she was going on the run, that was what she needed. She couldn't go back to her old vessel as Michael knew that one, and finding a new one that was willing and able to hold her would take time. She had to go, and she had to take Sam with her.
She wasn't dooming anyone with this choice. Dean Winchester and his family would still find a way to stop Michael, even without Sam, and she would be free. Perhaps then, if Castiel found some other way to save him, she could return Sam to them. If not… well, at least with her Sam wasn't living the nightmare of being trapped in his body. She would create a dream for him that would be a million times kinder than the one the djinn had created for her.
She'd never slept before and therefore never dreamed, but she'd never imagined how real they could be. She had felt every slice of Michael's sword, had felt it as he drove blades into her hands and feet to pin her to the cross. She could not allow that dream to become a reality. She had to go.
She raised her head and got to her feet. She had already dressed Sam and put on his boots ready to leave; all she needed now was money. She couldn't take his credit cards as they would be able to track her doing that. She knew he had some cash stored here for emergencies, and that was what she would take.
She went to the drawer and took out the balled-up pair of brightly colored socks. They were a pair Dean had bought him as a joke, and Sam had used them to store his money, always with a fond smile whenever he thought of it.
She unrolled them and took out the bills. There was a few hundred dollars, and that would be enough to start with. She would get more. She couldn't heal people to earn it as that would draw attention to her, but she could steal as well as any human thief.
She took one last look around the room and then slipped out of the door and closed it gently behind her.
She had waited until the dead of night when the only people she would need to get past were Castiel and Jack. She hoped Jack would not be there as she couldn't hide herself from him or overpower him as she could Castiel. All she would be able to do was hope that the confusion of her unknown presence in Sam would distract Jack and allow her to make her escape.
She walked along the halls and into the library. As she'd expected, Castiel was there, studying a book at one of the tables, but Jack was nowhere in sight. Pleased, she formed her face into a smile and said, "Hello, Castiel."
Castiel didn't look surprised or even angry to see her in control again which surprised her. That surprise was the first clue that should have alerted her to what was coming but it passed her by.
"Hello, Jo," he said mildly. "Are you okay?"
Jo shrugged, the perfect show of calm. "I need some air. I thought I would go outside and look at the stars for a while. Sam is not fighting me at all, so I can get him back into bed without him realizing I was here at all."
Castiel nodded. "I imagine you do need space after what the djinn did to you."
Jo grimaced. "It was awful."
"I remember dreams," Castiel said. "They can be difficult to manage." He stood. "I think I will come with you. I haven't been out under the stars like that for a while."
Jo smiled and walked a little deeper into the room. Castiel fell into step at her side and Jo braced herself to strike.
"You know, I am very grateful for what you're doing for Sam," he said. "So is Dean. I know it's difficult for you to be trapped the way you are, and we don't always show our appreciation well, but you are doing a good thing for us."
Jo felt an unexpected pang of guilt. She thought she'd steeled herself against these feelings, but she had apparently failed.
She stopped and looked at Castiel who was a step ahead of her. "Thank you, Castiel," she said. "I appreciate it."
Castiel smiled slightly. "I think you really do, and I think you really are trying to help, but I can't let you do this."
Jo realized her mistake a moment too late, and she drew her blade, but Castiel was a more seasoned fighter and his reflexes were better. He had drawn his blade and was bringing up the handle to strike her.
She held up her hands, "Castiel! What are you—"
Before she could finish Castiel had slammed the handle into her head, sending her into unconsciousness for the second time in her eternal life.
Dean was lying awake on his bed, waiting. He had been waiting for hours, longer really. Perhaps he had been waiting since the moment he found out about Jo.
When they'd gotten back to the bunker, Sam had gone straight to eat to replace the meals he'd missed on the road and in his captivity, and Dean and Castiel had slipped away to the now-empty dungeon to talk. Dean had barely said more than, "Cas, we need to be ready…" before Castiel was cutting in, saying, "She's going to try to take him soon."
They knew they had two choices; to trap her now at the cost of Sam's freedom and possibly the ability to live properly, or to wait and let him have as long as they could and step in only when it was time. Ultimately, there was no choice to be made. They both wanted Sam for as long as they could have him. If Jo discovered what they were going to do, she would flee and Sam would be ruined. They had to catch her off guard and then speak to Sam himself.
They had the vaguest of plans—a hateful plan—that Sam would be able to hold her down long enough for them to persuade him to take their next course of action, though that would take much persuasion of Sam and more than a little pleading.
He heard fast footsteps in the hall and he quickly sat up and swung his legs around the bed. It was time.
Castiel came in without knocking and his stony face told Dean he was right, that it had happened.
"I have her," Castiel said.
Dean nodded and got to his feet. "And Sammy?"
"She's unconscious still and there is no sign of him. I think I knocked them both out. We have to be fast though. She can't leave him with the cuffs on her, but there are other things she can do."
"Like hurt him?" Dean swallowed hard. "Tear him apart the way Gadreel threatened."
Castiel nodded and strode from the room. Dean hurried out after him, walking at his side through the halls to the dungeon. Castiel went in and Dean took a slow breath in hopes of calming himself before following.
Jo was bound to the same chair they had kept Crowley in all those years ago. There were ropes around her and the angel warded handcuffs on her wrists. She was still unconscious, her chin resting against her chest, and there was a small trickle of blood that had flowed down from her hairline—Sam's hairline.
"Are you ready for me to wake her up?" Castiel asked.
Dean nodded stiffly. "Let's get this done.
Castiel went to her and rested a hand on her forehead. Her eyes opened and her head jerked up as Castiel moved back to Dean's side.
She looked from face to face and said, "I guess this counts as a success for you."
"No," Dean said brutally. "This is what we call a betrayal. You were supposed to help him, and you tried to take off."
"I was helping him," she said. "I tried anyway. You had him as he was for a long time thanks to me. I had to put myself first though." She rattled her hands in the cuffs. "This is a mistake."
Dean crossed his arms over his chest. "Trusting you was our mistake. This is putting it right."
"I was helping!"
"You were hiding," Castiel said. "And now you're trapped."
She narrowed her eyes. "So, what are you going to do? Leave me trapped here forever?"
"No," Dean said. "We're going to fix Sam."
"You can't," she said. "Castiel isn't strong enough. It would take an archangel's grace to repair this damage."
"I can't heal him completely," Castiel said. "But I can do what you're doing. Sam can cast you out and I can take his place."
She laughed harshly. "Do you really think he'll allow that to happen? You know as well as I do that Sam would rather die than be a vessel again."
"He let you in," Dean spat.
She smirked. "He did, but you don't have my skill or collateral."
"He'll do it to save himself," Dean said.
She shook her head slowly. "He really won't. The situation is different now. He won't be tricked."
Castiel took a step forward, hands fisting. "What did you tell him to make him let you in?"
She raised an eyebrow. "That's for me to know."
"Enough," Dean said harshly. "We need to speak to Sam."
"How are you going to do that?" Jo asked. "I'm not giving up control for you."
"We don't need you to give it," Dean said. "We're taking it. Our buddy Kevin found something on the angel tablet that can help." He took Castiel's outstretched blade and cut across his palm, making the blood flow, and then daubed it on the wall into the shape of the sigil he'd studied that evening for this very purpose.
When it was done, he fisted his hand to draw more blood and then slapped it on the sigil on the wall. The blood lit up and then Dean heard a gasp.
He forced himself to look at Sam as his eyes roved the room and settled on the ropes and cuffs on his wrists.
"What happened?" he asked, his voice weak and then his expression crumpled into lines of pain. "What did I do? Who…" He swallowed hard. "Who did I hurt?"
Dean closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. Sam was scared, so scared and in pain, and Dean knew it was only just starting. He was going to need to tell him the truth now, and that was going to destroy everything.
He'd thought he'd prepared himself for this, to lose his brother, but as he met Sam's wet eyes and said, "You've done nothing wrong, Sammy," he felt a shard of ice pierce his heart.
It was all over now.
Sam watched as Dean drew a deep breath, and his heart clenched painfully. Whatever Sam had done, whatever had happened, Dean didn't want to tell him. That meant it was really bad.
Who had been hurt when he zoned out? Who had he hurt?
"You've done nothing wrong, Sammy," Dean said, his voice pained.
"What happened?" Sam asked.
Something bad had to have happened. He was tied up in the dungeon. They wouldn't do it for any other reason than to protect themselves and others. What had his screwed-up brain made him do? And was this the first time it had happened or was this just the last time they could bear?
They'd both been different with him, strange, and he'd noticed them sticking close all the time. He'd thought that was because they wanted to protect him when he zoned out, protect others, but what if it had been worse? What if it was because they were preparing themselves to do this, to lock him down to stop him?
"None of this is your fault, Sam," Castiel said solemnly.
"What's not my fault?" Sam asked. "What did I do?"
Dean raised his hands and Sam saw they were shaking. "We'll explain everything, I promise, but you need to make us a promise first."
"What?" Sam asked. He would promise anything if they would just explain what had happened. He needed to know who and what he had cost them.
"Promise that you won't do anything until we've finished," Dean said. "You have to listen and wait. Don't make any decisions until you're heard it all. We're going to fix it, I swear."
"I promise," Sam said quickly. "Just tell me."
Dean and Castiel exchanged a look laden with meaning and then Dean turned to Sam and said, "There's an angel in you, Sam. It's Jo."
Sam's eyes widened so much that they stung. It all made sudden and horrifying sense. The fact they'd lied to him, tricked him, didn't occur to him in that moment. He had only one concern, "What did she do? Who's dead?"
"No one, I swear," Dean said. "Everyone is fine. You don't need to worry. This isn't like Gadreel."
Sam stared into Dean's eyes, searching for a lie, and saw only pain and tears welling at the corners. Sam believed him. No one was dead, no one had been hurt because of him.
The fear he'd felt dissolved and became pain. They had betrayed him. Castiel had sworn to him there was no angel, and Dean had encouraged him to check for himself. Had that been some kind of prearranged thing between him and Jo to throw him off the scent? He had known something was wrong, and they'd let him believe it was the brain damage.
Every time he'd lost himself, the times he'd found himself with them, they had been talking to her, plotting and planning maybe. All of them betraying him. And how did she get into him in the first place? How had they, how could they, trick him again?
"Why would you do this to me?" he asked. "After Gadreel… I would have been better off dead than this."
"It wasn't us," Castiel said. "We didn't know she was there until later. Look inside, find the memories, you will see."
Sam closed his eyes and delved into his mind. He felt the pressure against him, Jo pushing back, and he forced it away and looked for her in his memories. There she was, facing him in a dim room and the words she spoke were just as horrifying in a memory as they would be in person, "What matters is Dean and the world … Michael has him."
She had told him exactly what he'd needed to hear to persuade him to let her in.
"How long have you known?" he asked.
"Weeks, since we got back here from Duluth," Castiel said. "Dean not as much. He found out after we came back from Sioux Falls."
That was only a few weeks ago, but still too long. So many conversations between now and then that he'd had with Dean and not once had he even hinted at the truth.
"Does everyone know?"
"No!" Dean said quickly. "It's just me and Cas."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you would have cast her out," Castiel said.
Sam huffed a harsh laughed. "Like I won't now?"
He reached inside himself, searching for the pressure again so that he could find it and rip it out of himself, but Dean was on him, gripping his shoulders tight and shouting, "No! Not yet! You promised to wait."
Sam withdrew from himself and nodded. He had promised that, he knew, and if he still owed them anything, it was a chance to explain properly.
"We have a plan," Dean said. "You can't live without her yet."
"I can't die, Dean," Sam said pointedly.
"No, but there's life and there's living," Castiel said. "The damage done to your body is extensive, your mind is almost destroyed. Without an angel powering you, you will be a ruined man. You won't be able to function at all."
"Nothing, Sammy," Dean said. "You'll be back in a coma. You probably won't even be able to breathe on your own."
Sam absorbed the words, pushed them down, and nodded. "But I will be me."
Dean sucked in a breath. "You can't let it end like that, Sam. It's not living. You'll just be existing. You can't do that to us."
"To you!" Sam growled. "What about what you've done to me?"
"There's another way," Castiel said quickly. "I can't heal you as I am, the damage is too much, but I can keep you going from the inside. It will enable you to live as you have been, and you know you can trust me to hurt no one. I will let you stay in control at all times."
The idea of being a vessel for anyone was abhorrent, but for Castiel, it was worse as it would come at a price. Sam would be functioning, yes, but they would be without one of their strongest fighters for the battle against Michael. They needed Castiel. They didn't need Sam. If it was a choice between the cause losing Castiel or him being comatose and useless, he knew which he would choose.
"No!" he said. "And you can't trick me. I won't do it."
"We never would," Castiel said sadly. "But, Sam, without an angel in you, it will all be over."
"You can't do that to us, Sammy," Dean said. "I know you hate me because of this, and I get it, but think of Mom and Jack. Don't make them lose you. It almost broke Mom after Michael. Don't put her through that again."
Sam knew there was no other choice though. He couldn't let Jo take control of him and hurt people he cared about, people he didn't know even. He wouldn't let his body be used for murder again.
"I won't murder anyone," Jo's voice spoke in his mind. "I will protect you, Sam. You can't do that to them again. You let me in to save Dean. Would you really abandon him now?"
"Shut up!" Sam snapped.
Dean and Castiel, who had been watching silently, frowned.
"I'm not letting you in, Cas, so you can either find something else or I'm kicking her out."
Dean looked at Castiel imploringly. "Cas, man, there's got to be something! Can't you heal him just enough so we can keep him as he is?"
Castiel frowned at Sam, giving him the feeling that he was being x-rayed.
"No," Castiel said. "There's too much…"
"Look, Sam."
Sam's mind filled with the dimly lit room where he'd spoken to Jo again. He saw himself pummeling the wall in an attempt to free himself, the muffled voices he could hear calling to him.
"That's what will happen if you kick me out. And you will be no good to Dean. Michael is still out there. You're a warrior, and together, you save the world. Would you sacrifice the world just for your own peace of mind?"
"There's something," Castiel said, drawing Sam's attention back to the dungeon again. "But it comes at a cost."
Sam narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What cost?"
"The sigil," Castiel said, pointing at the wall where a burning shape was slowly dimming. "I can use that on you. It's powered by blood. I can carve it into your living heart. Jo would be trapped inside, unable to come to the forefront anymore, but she would still strengthen you."
"I won't heal," Jo said snidely.
"Keep her in me forever?" Sam asked, feeling nauseated.
"Not forever," Dean said quickly. "Just until we find another way to heal you. We're already looking."
"I can take it away when you're ready and you can expel her," Castiel said.
Sam considered. The idea of Jo being there for any longer than she already had been was horrifying, but he didn't want to go back to being trapped inside himself. He didn't want to leave his family behind, and he wanted to be there to help when Michael was stopped.
Ultimately, there was no real choice.
"Okay. I'll do it. But only long enough to do what I need to do. When I say, the minute I say, you take it off and let me kick her out."
"But you might not be ready," Dean said.
"I don't care. If I'm not healed, you can't try to stop me. This is my choice to make as and when I want to. Do you agree?"
"Yes," Castiel said solemnly.
"Dean?" Sam prompted.
Tears began to trickle down Dean's cheeks and Sam tried to keep his expression neutral, though it was the last thing he wanted to do when his brother was in pain.
"Okay," Dean said, his voice wrecked. "When you say, when you're ready, we'll let you…"
"You'll let me go?" Sam prompted.
Dean nodded.
Sam sucked in a breath. "Do it then, Cas, before I change my mind."
"It's going to hurt," Castiel said.
"Never doubted it," Sam said with a forced smile.
Castiel pulled the ropes away from him and laid a hand directly over his heart. Sam felt a searing pain that he thought was probably how a heart attack felt, and then Castiel stepped back and Sam was panting.
"She's trapped," Castiel said.
"So am I," Sam said. "Get these damn cuffs off of me."
Castiel took a key from his pocket and unlocked the cuffs around Sam's wrists and then removed the last of the ropes around his stomach. Sam stood up and rubbed his still aching chest.
"Thanks," he muttered, making for the door.
"You're going to regret this, Sam," Jo warned, and Sam winced. She was trapped but apparently, she could still make herself heard.
As he passed Dean, his brother reached out and caught Sam's arm. "I'm sorry, Sammy," he said in a choked voice.
"I know," Sam said neutrally. "You were trying to help me. I might have done the same. But this…" He shook his head. "What happened here should have happened weeks ago. I would have made the same choice then that I made now. You let me think I was damaged for weeks, scared each time I lost myself." He huffed a laugh. "I guess I am damaged. That doesn't matter. What matters is that you both lied to me and didn't trust me to know the right thing to do."
"We were scared, Sam," Castiel said quietly.
Sam pulled his arm free of Dean and looked from face to face. "I get that. It doesn't change anything though." He took a breath to calm himself, to stop him from hurling his anger at them. "I should have been told."
Turning away from their stricken faces, he walked out of the dungeon and back to his bedroom with only the voice in his head for company.
"I think they feel suitably awful now. How about you? Feeling good?"
"Shut up," Sam said.
"Sure, I'll do that."
Sam's hands clenched and he pressed a thumb hard against the scar on his hand that had been his savior when Lucifer was in his head. It didn't work this time because this wasn't a hallucination. Jo was real, she was in his head, and from the soft laughter he heard, she wasn't shutting up soon.
So… Sam knows! About damn time, right? Was it worth reading 32 chapters to get to this point?
I need help. I can't write right now. I've got things going on in my life that are difficult, and I don't have the ability to write. That's why I am being so sensitive about reviews. They are what boost me up and keep me going when the idea of writing in the future seems overwhelming and impossible. I've not been able to for about 6 weeks now. I am filling my time with editing existing stories and outlining new ones. I have 2 stories plotted out and ready to go now for when I can write again, but I don't have anything more for the next, so I need your help.
Do you have any idea you'd like to see written? They can be as vague or in-depth as you like. Is there a moment in canon that you see could have gone in a different direction that would have been interesting to see? A lot of my stories come from places like that. At What Cost came from Mary's death in 14.17 – Game Night. Or is there an idea for an AU you would like to see? I've written a couple of them, too. The Brotherhood series was an AU I loved, and Lost and Found was a world I really dived into and loved.
If you have any ideas you would like to share or stories you would like to see written, please drop me a PM or review and let me know. I will be endlessly grateful as right now I am going crazy with too much time on my hand and no creative outlet.
Until next time…
Clowns or Midgets xxx