That morning, Elsa woke with dark circles around her eyes. It was a restless sleep plagued by dreams of everything that happened the previous night. Her supposed performance, her conversation with Anna... She had failed spectacularly on both ends.
"Ugh," she groaned, pressing her palms against her eyes so hard that she saw flashing lights behind them. Guilt and shame ate away at her. It was the first time she had seen Anna break down to that extent, and knowing that she was the cause of it made her feel all sorts of things.
She was at a loss.
[I'm scared that if you tell him who you are, you'll only do it because of me.]
There was nothing she could say to defend herself. Nothing she could say to ease Anna's worries. She had wanted to get over her fear—still wanted to—but doing it at the wedding was ultimately for Anna. This secret had taken its toll on her and Elsa could see that. That was why even when it was scary, she tried.
She also failed.
Failure was not supposed to be an option. She had to be able to do it because it was the only way the air would clear between them. It was the only way she could think of to make Anna talk to her again without any reservations, without the guilt floating above their heads all the time. She should have been able to do it for her.
The guilt had been so unsettling that she needed to find a distraction. The first thing that came to mind was to help out in the studio, so she went there despite the sluggishness of her movements and exhaustion of her limbs.
"Elsa, you look tired. You didn't have to come here this early."
The voice made Elsa jump. She raised and shook her head defiantly. "No," she said, and then she rubbed her face in an attempt to wash away the intrusive thoughts. "I'm—" She cleared her throat. "I'm okay. Thank you."
"You don't look okay," Senya pointed out, placing a pile of books on top of the front desk. "At least take a nap in our office. We're not opening until much later."
"I can't sleep."
"I noticed." Senya set the books aside. "What's wrong?"
Elsa bit her lower lip, glancing at Olaf who had been cleaning the lenses of his camera by the other end of the room when Senya made the suggestion. His eyes were on them, though there was a curious look on his face. Elsa swallowed past the dryness of her throat and opted to watch her own fingers fiddle with each other on the desk.
"Anna and I talked last night."
Senya's posture slackened, and then she reached for Elsa's hand. "What happened?"
"A lot?" Elsa admitted, licking her lips and raising her eyes to the musician. "She said she doesn't want me to hate her. That's why she didn't tell Hans."
"Hate her?"
The idea itself was absurd. Elsa knew within herself that there was no way she could ever hate Anna. How could she hate the person who had always been there for her since they had become friends? She couldn't, and she needed to let Anna understand that. But how?
"I don't, but she... she doesn't believe me. She thinks I'm only doing this for her. And... And I was! But not entirely. I don't—"
"Hey, hey. Elsa, calm down." Senya gently touched her hand. "Why don't you tell us what happened?"
Her shoulders dropped. "That's just it, Sen. I don't know what happened. I only know she's too scared to trust me. Even if I promised her that I won't get mad, she doesn't believe me. If I try to tell her brother who I really am, she'll think I'm only doing it for her."
"Aren't you?" Olaf's voice boomed from the other side of the room. "You said it yourself, right? You wanted to perform at his wedding because of Anna."
"Olaf." Senya glared at the photographer. When he didn't say anything else, she faced Elsa again. "Fear is a great enemy, Elsa. You're fighting against something only you can feel. It's not simple."
Even when Senya tried to lessen the blow of Olaf's words, Elsa could only focus on his blunt response. She already knew that, of course, but hearing it from someone else only made her feel worse. She bit her lip and let a moment pass.
"If he finds out that she knew all along, what will happen?" Elsa asked.
Olaf scratched the side of his head and walked over to them. "I have an answer to that, but you're not going to like it."
There was a momentary lull in the conversation and Olaf stopped beside Senya, the desk the only thing between him and Elsa. He pursed his lips and stared at Elsa in contemplative pause, setting the girl in unease. After a whole minute passed in silence, he sighed.
"That's not your problem."
"Olaf—"
"No, hear me out." Olaf raised his hand, staring straight into Elsa's eyes and leaving her with no other choice but to listen. "I'd like to think she's doing this out of respect for you, but I know there's more to it than that. Sen and I talked with her back in Corona. She's in a unique situation here, Elsa, and so are you. You're still fighting against your own past. Trauma is not an easy thing to get over with."
Her mouth opened, and then she closed them again. The confusing thoughts swirling inside her head like a relentless storm came to an abrupt stop, floating there, unmoving. Static. Heavy.
"I'm glad you found someone you care about so much you'd do anything to keep your relationship intact. Someone special enough that you worry about what they're going through, too," Olaf said, his voice significantly softer than before. "I just hope you don't lose yourself in the process."
"Am I?" The question came out weak, her voice cracking somewhat. "Am I losing myself again?"
"I don't know. Are you?"
Her eyes slid to the side as she curled her fingers in a tight fist. She liked to say she wasn't. She wanted to let them know that she was perfectly alright and that she was doing this because she genuinely wanted to. But lately, with everything that went on with Anna, she was not so sure anymore.
Even years later, it still rattled her whenever she tried touching her childhood instrument. There was no other way around that sad truth. She was afraid. And she was not ready to stand on stage again.
Even more so when she was not entirely doing it for herself.
"You said you don't want us facing your problems for you. You said you only want us to be there while you help yourself," Olaf reminded. "But right now, I don't see it helping. Let me be a big brother again, Elsa. I'm not going to decide for you, but I'm going to give you something to think about. Like old times."
Elsa bit her lip and lowered her head, surrendering to her cousin's advice.
"I'm not saying you shouldn't put Anna's needs before your own. I won't blame you if you do because that's what liking someone does to people. I'm not against you doing something you're uncomfortable with either. There are moments in life when you have to do things you don't want in order to move forward. I'm just saying don't lose sight of what's important."
Elsa swallowed back a whimper. This was a bitter pill to swallow. She had thought this whole time that if she liked it enough, if she wanted it enough, that she would be able to do it. If she thought of everything Anna did for her, maybe she would have the courage to do this for her.
It doesn't work that way, does it?
Olaf's advice and Senya's words the previous night made her wonder. Were they right? Had she lost sight of what was important? Elsa gritted her teeth. She had been slowly getting her life back together. Her parents had been nothing but supportive and understanding since Christmas. Slowly but surely, Elsa could feel herself opening up to the idea of living with them again.
But music... was a different matter.
"Olaf, I think that's enough." Senya placed a hand on the photographer's shoulders, giving him a sharp look when he opened his mouth. "You said your piece. Let her think about it."
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry." Olaf rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, whatever you do, Elsa? I'll be here. If you need to talk to someone, you know I'll always be ready to listen. I think I speak for everyone when I said that."
Mind still processing everything she was told, Elsa simply nodded. Olaf grinned and patted her head lightly, chuckling when she gently pushed his hand away with a groan. He excused himself to his office and left the two alone by the entrance, closing the door with a light click.
"I told you I'm fine!" Anna squeaked as cotton dabbed against her knee. "It's just a scratch! I'm fine. See?" She jumped to her feet and made a show of stomping and jumping around.
"Sit down!" The girl yelled, pushing Anna's shoulders downwards to force her to sit. "I'm not done checking everything. What if you broke your hands? It was a bad fall!"
"I didn't—" Anna winced as she circled her wrist. "It's fine."
"It's not fine! We have a concert in fifteen minutes, Anna!" Vanessa bit her thumb and ran her free hand nervously on her hair. "Oh, this is my fault! I'm sorry, I should have watched where I was going. What do I do? If yo—"
"Van, I'm fine. It hurts a little, but I'm okay." She wiggled her fingers in the air, and then her eyes sparkled. "Actually, this is good. You can take my place!"
Vanessa frowned. "What?"
"I'm not supposed to be the one up there," Anna reminded. "I wasn't even able to practice that much. You were a part of the group since the very beginning. You should know Ariel's lines. You practiced with her!"
Warm hands grasped at Anna's face, squishing her cheeks. "Where is this lack of confidence coming from?" Vanessa huffed, pinching those same cheeks with her fingers. "Our teacher chose you as your cousin's replacement for a reason. Why can't you see that you'll do great?"
"Ow, ow, ow! Ret gwoo!" The older girl released her cheeks with a snap. She rubbed the tingles off her skin, dark brows furrowing. "But I don't like her reason," she admitted, "My family is gifted and that means I can do it? I'm not them. If I take Ariel's spot, I'm going to hear people talk behind my back again... and this time, I won't be able to prove they're wrong."
"You say that, but making me take your place now is going to affect the entire concert."
"We can switch. I should be able to do yours, right?"
"Anna." Vanessa rubbed the bridge of her nose, her eyeglasses rising from the action. "It's not that easy. And that's not your decision to make."
The redhead hummed. "I could tell them my injury is your fault." Vanessa frowned, staring at her grinning face unamused. "Come on, just this once? I heard you practice Ariel's piece before. You can do it!"
...
An incessant buzz snapped Anna from her trance. Her eyes slid from the pancake resting on her plate to the screen of her phone blinking beside it. Ariel's name flashed on the screen, the green phone icon shaking and crying out her name.
"Aren't you going to answer?" Meg asked from across the table. Anna kept staring, fingers twitching when the call ended and started up again. "How many times does that make now?"
Thirteen? Fourteen?
Her eyes went back to her plate as she ignored the insistent call. The butter on top of the hotcake had long since melted. Anna pressed her lips tighter and swallowed a lump forming in her throat. Her thoughts flew back to her time in Corona—a time when Elsa taught her how to cook one of these.
She really is something else.
"What's wrong, Little Red?" Her sister asked again, setting her own empty plate aside. "You're not eating and you're not answering Ariel's calls. Did something happen?"
Rather than answer, Anna's eyes flicked over to her nephew at the side of the table. He was holding his favorite toy handed over by his mother after he had finished his food with both hands, his head angled to one side. His eyes held an innocence that squeezed something inside her chest.
"Liam, go ahead." Meg raised her hand. "Make sure you don't break anything."
The boy glanced at his mother, and then at Anna again. "Anya isn't eating."
Lightly, Anna cleared her throat. "I'm okay, Liam," she said. "I'll eat."
"Your aunt and I have something to talk about," her sister explained. Liam's fingers pressed firmly around the toy. "Go on," she urged. "We'll join you once we're done."
The boy opened his mouth, shifting his gaze between his mother and aunt. When Meg gave him a stern look, his shoulders slumped and he left his seat. Meg signaled to a few of their maids to give her and Anna some privacy and to come back later.
Once they were alone, Meg crossed her arms and rested them on the table. "So...?"
Anna placed the fork beside her plate and curled her fingers on top of her lap. "Am I... Am I a bad person?"
"Totally." The response was instant, making Anna frown. "I'm kidding." Meg waved, shaking her head at the glare being sent her way. "Why do you ask?"
Why wouldn't she ask? She had been rude to countless students and had fought repeatedly with Vanessa and her friends. She judged everyone before she could get a chance to know their names, and even when she did know their names, she still judged them.
"I think... I really pushed Elsa away this time."
Meg's eyebrows rose. "You did?"
"I... can't open up to her, Meg," Anna admitted. Her head fell and she brought her hands to cover her face. "Even if I want to, she... Her kindness scares me. She scares me."
"But she's nice," Meg said. She sighed when Anna let out a strangled noise. "Anna, what exactly is this 'misunderstanding'?"
A whole minute passed by in silence and Anna's hands fell to her lap. She glared at the hotcakes remaining untouched on her plate. She opened her mouth and closed them again in less than a second. Meg... was not Hans. She could tell her. Or... could she? Anna was desperate to get these things off her chest and Meg was the only one she could count on.
"Why are you afraid of her?" Her sister continued, but Anna remained tight-lipped. Meg released a long breath and leaned closer, placing a hand on top of the table. "Hey, I told you to talk to me if things get too much. I'm your sister. You can tell me anything."
"I like her," Anna croaked, unsure how to start. Meg tilted her head, urging her to continue. "I like her too much that it scares me, Meg."
"Why?"
She twiddled with her thumbs. "When I get too close to someone, I always think they're... they're going to betray me one way or another... or that they'll leave me someday."
"Does it have something to do with Hans?"
She froze. The beats inside her chest turned to violent thuds as she raised her head to her sister, eyes wide as saucer plates. "W- What?"
"He told me something interesting before we left last night. He said he might have an idea why you've been acting weird for a while now."
No.
"What... do you mean?" Anna stuttered, hands trembling on top of her lap.
Meg leaned back on her chair and tapped the table mindlessly. "I don't know the details. He said he might be one of the reasons why, but he wants to look into it before jumping to conclusions. He told me to keep an eye on you." She raised a hand when Anna opened her mouth to protest. "You have been kind of distant, Anna. Yesterday was one of the biggest days of his life and you barely smiled."
Anna gulped, cold sweat gathering on her temples as she turned the words inside her head. "I... I know. But he didn't do anything. How did he come up with that?"
"As I said, he wants to look into it." Meg tilted her head and studied Anna's face. "But let's say he isn't one of the reasons why you're feeling down. Does it have something to do with Vanessa, then?"
Anna pursed her lips, head lowering in shame.
Her older sister sighed. "You're still thinking about that, aren't you? If you can't let go of the past, you'll lose sight of what's in front of you, Anna." Anna bit her lip, averting her gaze once again. "Don't punish Elsa for someone else's mistake."
"I know," Anna bitterly admitted, the confession coming out like poison on her tongue. "I know it's not fair and it's bad to compare her to someone, but... I can't help it."
"Elsa doesn't strike me as the type of girl who would betray someone."
She did not strike Anna as that kind of girl either. "I know," she whispered. She blinked away the sting in her eyes and met her sister's stern gaze. "She strikes me as someone who would do things to make other people happy even if it makes her miserable."
"Anna—"
"I'm scared. That Elsa's just tolerating my presence. That she's just doing things to make my life easier, and that she'll hate me one day for it." Anna released a slow breath and looked down. "Sometimes... something tells me she'll leave and it won't be because she planned to. It'll be because I forced her to."
And now it's happening.
[You weren't giving me much of a choice.]
The same sentence was on a loop inside her head the entire night. She had given Elsa a choice. She gave her the freedom to choose whether or not to come to her brother's wedding. She hadn't explicitly stopped her even if she wanted to. She supported Elsa's decisions in a way she knew how. So... why?
"Sometimes... sometimes I wonder... if there is something wrong with me. Why is it... that when I get close to someone... they leave?"
"Anna." Meg stood from her seat and took the one beside the younger redhead, reaching for her sister's trembling hand. "Elsa's still here. She didn't leave, did she? Even if you think there is something wrong with you, it doesn't mean she's going to hate you. She's not those friends—" she spat. "—that left. You have to give her a chance."
Tears pooled behind her lids. "I want to believe that, Meg, more than anything."
"I know." Meg smiled ruefully, releasing her hand. "Trust me. I know how it feels."
Anna glanced at her sister, a subtle expression of disbelief on her face.
The older woman laughed. "Anna, mom is the best chef in Arendelle, and she earned that title at the age of 25. How did you think I felt when I didn't graduate at the top of my class? And believe it or not, Hans went through the same thing. Yes, he is gifted, but that also means he's being compared to Dad all the time."
"I... I don't think—"
"—it's the same?" Meg finished the sentence as a question and chuckled when Anna averted her gaze again. "We have such amazing parents, Little Red, and growing up, we met many people who tried to win their favors through us. We understand how it feels to be used, so much to a point that it's hard to trust anyone because you are never sure about anything. Even your own worth."
Anna's mouth parted, the explanation she had been trying to form inside her head going to a complete stop. She stared at her sister's face and found nothing other than understanding. "I," she paused, licking her dry lips. "I never thought..."
"Sometimes, we get too focused on ourselves that we fail to see the bigger picture," Meg said, reaching for her hand again and squeezing it tight. "You're not alone, okay? I know things can get overwhelming, but you're not alone. You have us. You have me."
For the first time since Elsa told her the truth out of her own volition, the voices inside her head quieted. Her fingers stopped trembling, calmed down by the warmth provided by her sister's comforting grip.
Anna had always viewed Meg and Hans as smart, talented, and confident. She thought they were perfect and that nothing could bring them down. They excelled at everything she was having a hard time with and have absolutely nothing to worry about.
She couldn't believe she never saw the signs.
The forgotten phone vibrated on top of the table once again, breaking the silence. Their eyes snapped to it. "Shouldn't you answer that?" Meg suggested, looking at Ariel's name on the screen. "It must be important if she's not stopping."
Anna bit her lip, angling her head and giving the phone a side-eye. After an exhausting evening and a sleepless night, the only thing she wanted was to rest both her body and her mind. That included being away from anyone that would remind her of her selfish actions. Ariel had been scolding her a lot about it, and that was not something she needed after what happened with Elsa.
Sighing, Meg grabbed the device, ignoring Anna's cry of 'wait no', and answered it. "Hey Ariel, it's me... Mhm, she's with me." She raised a pointer, silencing Anna as she attempted to speak. "She's," a glance, "busy at the moment... Sure, I'll tell her. What is it? ...Oh."
Seeing Meg's shoulders fall, a weight fell on the pits of her stomach. Anna sat straighter and moved closer, the will to avoid contact with Ariel for the day crumbling. She strained her ears to try and listen to what the girl was saying.
Meg pursed her lips and glanced at Anna. "Okay, I will. Are you going to be okay? ...okay. Take care, Ariel." She pressed the end call button, breathing deeply as Anna looked at her expectantly. "You might want to hurry that up," she said, gesturing to the plate full of food.
"What happened?"
Her sister released a shaky breath and silently placed the phone back on top of the table. The action made Anna's stomach churn, losing what little was left of her appetite. If there was something she knew about Meg, it was that only a few things could visibly shake her.
"Vanessa's at Ariel's."
I was supposed to update this on the 14th due to it being this fic's 3rd anniversary (wait what?!), but it fell on a weekday and my weekdays are pretty swamped, so here it is. I can't believe it has already been three years. D:
Thanks to my beta reader, averiarose!