Looks at last time i updated...

*laughs nervously*

Well shit... i... really don't have a decent excuse for this...

All i can say is, i'm so sorry i took this long. To anyone that stuck around this long, thank you so much.

I'll try to update more often, i cant promise anything, but ill try my best.

Anyway, you didn't come here to hear me ramble.

Enjoy the story! : )

START OF CHAPTER:

Fear is such a strange thing.

No matter your stage of life, no matter your situation, there is always a worst-case scenario. A toddler doesnt want to leave his parents for long, a relationship makes you fear heartbreak, and so on. Fears are a natural part of life.

My particular fears though...

They were always more... inferiority based.

My older brother was perfect in every sense of the word. He was-

Wait shit, i forgot something...

My name is Hajime.

And goddamit for once i'm going to be the main character in a story.

It was the usual wha wah mommy and daddy didn't love me shit. They had their high profile jobs, and they had their high profile son. They loved Izuru, and why wouldn't they? The golden boy, the genius son, blah blah. So what would they want with me?

It was almost visible, their disappointment over the years. No fast development like Izuru. No walking or reading early like Izuru. Well then, it was pretty clear that they weren't getting another Izuru were they? They weren't getting the boy genius duo they wanted.

And looking back on it, it left me pretty fucked up.

I had more to fear then mommy and daddy not picking me up after school, oh no their car service was always right on time. I was more afraid of getting scolded for not finishing my food, or something else ridiculous. It was like Izuru was the purebred prize winning show dog, and i was the untrained house mutt.

At school at least, people noticed me. A teacher praised me once for not getting upset that my parents left, of course while Izuru was still attending. But well, i would have to have a bond with them to feel separated.

Harsh, but it's the truth.

When my friends wanted to come over, i always had to make excuses. My biggest default eventually was that my parents were picky about who they had over, and were private people. Of course not in so many words at a younger age, but even back then i wasn't stupid.

I knew what people would think, what they would say when i never spoke about my parents, when i never had people over. It left me so worried, people might draw all the wrong conclusions. They didn't actively hate me, but over time i learned that they certainly didn't love me either. Oh no, they weren't abusive.

They would have to be around me for that.

And that's how the next several years went, with cold, distant parents, and a semi-caring but emotionally stunted brother. I just kind of... existed. I may as well have been a ghost in my own home, there, but nothing to interact with. It didn't matter what grades i got, how many friends i had, what i wore and how i spoke, nothing was ever good enough.

Most kids starting high school had things to be afraid of. Would they fit in? Would they do well in class? Would their parents or families cheer them on for won awards? Would they make lots of friends, maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Was it sad, that all those things seemed so silly? That such innocent and understandable teenage things were just so... alien to me?

My best friend described me as lonely and detached. And well... if i'm brutally honest he wasn't wrong.

How could i worry about grades, when there was nobody to praise or scold me either way? How could i worry about awards, when there wasn't anybody to encourage me to try?

I had a group of friends, sure, but i felt... not there. As in, i was watching through someone else's eyes. Physically there, but not invested in what was actually happening.

I suppose, you could call it a fear of abandonment, to put it into words. I had always been alone, always been left behind and barely remembered. I don't think i could handle being completely alone, i couldn't, i couldn't handle that cold chill of isolation. It was hard enough just imagining it. I just... couldn't. I still panicked when i lingered on it too much.

"Excuse me?"

The library quickly became my best friend, whether i was actually reading that day or not. And usually, aside from the few friends i somehow managed to make, no one usually hung around or spoke to me for long.

"...can i help you?"

Usually...

That is, until this kid.

"I, i just wanted to say... that is..."

This pale kid, who's name i didn't know, had started watching me in the library.

At first it was nothing to notice, it's the schools library and i don't own it. This kid wants to read who cares? But after several weeks of sideways glances and him being there every day with no interaction, i no longer knew what to think.

I didn't have enough experience with this. Should i feel angry? Scared? Is he anxious? Am i paranoid? I should probably be more concerned with my lack of interest in my own life, to be honest, but the sad part is i just didn't feel attached to my emotions anymore. I knew enough logically to fake it around other if i wanted to. But i didn't know this boy and i was by myself in the library, so should i?

First off, what expression is he making? Looking... anxiety? Concern? Is he anxious? Is he concerned about me? Do i look scary?

Well he's already made eye contact, however fleeting, with me, so he knows i've at least noticed him. He's spoken, i've responded, so it would be rude to abruptly ignore him. I can figure out what he wants easier if i make more conversation.

"...yeah?"

Sometimes i wish i was better at social interaction. Despite my efforts, i can't help but still cling to the paranoia that i'll somehow end up like Izuru, socially awkward and emotionally inept. What a fine damaged pair we make, i guess, oh joy.

"... you... like books too?"

Well fuck i tuned in like halfway through that sentence. That's fine, i hard enough to know what he's talking about. That was probably insensitive, oops.

"I... dont hate them?"

A thin eyebrow raised, but quickly faded back into his previous nervous yet polite default expression.

"That's curious, you do seem to read so often, yet you don't sound very enthusiastic.

Was that panic? I think it was panic.

"I, uh, i like learning."

Can i embarrass myself to death? Is that a thing? Even i knew that sounded awkward.

"Oh you do! That's amazing, so dedicated to your studies."

Huh, wouldn't most people say that was boring?

This kid was wierd.

But why did i not like talking to him?

I couldn't figure that out.

Something about conversing with him was... vaguely unsettling.

He didn't look dangerous, hadn't said anything particularly rude or concerning yet. So i didn't understand.

But he seemed to look through me in five seconds then even my best friend had in five years.

He couldn't know everything about me, i knew that was stupid.

So why then? I wasn't sure...

And i didn't like not knowing.

END OF CHAPTER:

I think Izuru as the older brother is just gonna become headcanon at this point. Also drama and cliffhangers.

I have the next couple chapters written out, depending on my patience, i'll either upload them soon after this or well.. let's see how long i'll last.

Probably not long, if i'm being honest with myself.

Cya next chapter :)

Tairulz