Though he'd agreed, his unease at the prospect is completely clear. Not only in his mannerisms: twitching, chewing relentlessly on his lip and pulling at his hair. But moreover this has been mirrored in his appearance, shirt buttoned incorrectly as it had been when we were children. Surprisingly I find it rather endearing; it's nostalgic. With several grunts and curses I also manage to manoeuvre myself out of the bed, and get mostly dressed alone. Once stuck half in and out of my shirt, and cursing at it more than ever, he'd been distracted from his own distress by mine. With still twitching hands he helpes me into it. Feeling both thankful and mortified at my own inability I flash him a smile which is accompanied by burning cheeks, before leaning to press a soft kiss to his lips, "my dad is gone." The words caused a gasp, his blinking confused eyes finding mine as he pulls back. All I can offer as an answer is a shrug, he's just gone, I don't know where and I don't fucking care. Confusion has fully taken over, and with it his twitching has stopped.
When we both arrive downstairs, fingers interlocked, the look on my mothers face tells me that she already knew that this was coming. Clearly she knows me better than I thought. Pushing my exhaustion and pain aside I fight to keep my face neutral, and more announce that Tweek is coming with us than asked. A small sigh slips her lips, I'm not sure if she knowns that she won't win or is just damn tired of fighting, regardless she relents and agrees. A small upturn from the corner of my mouth kills my neutral stare without permission as simultaneously a shriek of relief leaves the boy beside me. Squeezing his hand I give in, allow my emotions permission to shine, treating my mother to a rare full smile instead, "thanks." As we walk out to the car I feel somewhat hopeful for the future, relieved that she'd agreed, but also like a fucking asshole for doing that to her. This whole caring about multiple people thing is getting old. Leaning into Tweek's side as she drives I let my eyes squeeze closed, small sigh slipping. It's a kind of personal growth I suppose? One that comes with time. Most people care a whole lot more than I do in general. About both things and people. Though, recently my circle has certainly been expanding, given the amount of time I've spent recently with Kenny, Stan and Kyle. Kyle. Fuck, fuck fuck. I need to tell him.
Upon arriving home we'd both been welcomed enthusiastically by my sister. Out of my whole family she's the only one who ever warmed to Tweek, though that could be to do with the fact that he once taught her how to make cupcakes. For weeks after I was stuck eating her burned or undercooked attempts, until that is when she finally mastered it; then she'd only wanted Tweek to try. But I hadn't minded; if I care for someone it's appear that my tolerance highly increases. Besides other than them right now, the only other person I hold this level of care for is Clyde. This in turn causes a realisation: that Token has fallen from the list, and it hits like a stab in the heart. In some ways things are expanding, in others they have shrunk. Growing up fucking sucks. And shit, Tweek doesn't know about that yet either. As my sister chatters away happily to the pair of us, my mother moves to get my medication, and for that I'm thankful. Maybe I can block one kind of pain if I'm lucky.
Satisfied I'd taken it, and more than likely able to read my exhaustion, my mother allows us to retreat to my room, to my surprise she doesn't even tell me to keep the door open. I don't need telling twice, and with another squeeze of my lovers hand I begin to steer him towards the stairs. As we enter my room I find my eyes scanning it, there are items missing, I have no doubt given the broken photo frame I saw last time I was home, that my father is behind the reason why. With a roll of my eyes I tell myself that said items can be replaced, and instead allow my eyes to light up at the one thing which has returned since I was last here. Chirping away as if in response to our entrance, Stripe and his cage are back. Exhaustion is long forgotten as suddenly I feel more childlike with the level of excitement pumping through me, with a few long steps I'm beside the cage and reaching in to scoop him out, nuzzling the top of his head with my chin as I hold him to my chest and breathing in his unique scent. God I've missed him so fucking much. I'm only pulled from my bubble as Tweek's melodic laughter cuts through the air, blushing a little I raise my eyebrow questioningly at him, shrugging he smiles in response.
"You're adorable too sometimes you know."
With still burning cheeks I'd merely shrugged, passed Stripe over to Tweek, and moved to lower myself into my bed whilst I watched them. Hopefully these pills fucking kick in soon. Laying here, watching the two things I care most deeply for together does however provide some sort of therapeutic relief. Everything seems right for the first time in ages. I could happily lose myself in the moment and let go of everything else, yet I can't. So much still needs to be said; the churning in my stomach suggests that as things begin coming out, any kind of happiness will smash like glass. Squeezing my eyes closed I sigh softly, letting everything that needs to be said run through my mind in an attempt to decide an order. Rip off the bandaid fast? Start with that I fear most? Fuck, who am I kidding, I'm too much of a fucking coward for that. My eyes blink open as his weight settles beside me on the bed, looking down at me he smiles so sweetly, despite everything I push my own in return, and pathetically decide to leave the Kyle part until last.
Craig Tucker is emotionless and expressionless alike, right? For the most part I'd agree, there's exceptions, but that's the rule. But not to Tweek, never to Tweek actually. From the first moment we began hanging out he'd seemingly just been able to read me, in a way I hadn't been expecting or prepared for, it took me entirely by surprise. Now as he looks down at me his eyebrows crease a little, smile falling as he studies my face.
"Ngh! Wh-what's wrong?"
Nipping at my bottom lip I swallow and sigh. I don't want to do this, any of it. But I have too, it's inevitable; yet still I try to stall. Again I'm attempting to buy time, though I know it isn't for sale; at best I can hope to rent some and delay. "I-I missed you, I didn't have my phone, I-I didn't know." It all sounds pathetic and none of it is good enough. Out of all the times I've tried to be there for him, I failed when he actually needed me. With a heavy sigh I let my head hang, "I'm sorry. About your Gran and about not being there. Wh-what happened?"
Watching his face crumble with a pained expression as he began to explain, she'd had a heart attack, they had to clear the house and organise the funeral. Sure they weren't overly close but this still fucking sucks. I know that logically there is nothing I can actually say or do to lessen this pain. That doesn't stop me from wishing I'd been there to at least try from when it started. Pushing self annoyance aside and holding back a sigh of self directed frustration, I instead use by good arm to pull him down beside me, squeezing him against me. His breath against my neck, limbs entwined in mine, entire body is twitching. Before long I can feel wet against my neck, a lump forms in my throat, hand moving to trace familiar patterns on his back in aims of helping him calm down. And slowly he does, glancing to my alarm clock I watch minutes pass, and for once I'm thankful for each one, just the fact that he's in my arms. Just under twenty minutes later his shaking has stopped, breathing slowed, and having assisted in this I feel like the most privileged guy in the whole fucking world. Hell, the whole universe; I'm spaceman fucking Craig.
Pulling back a little, a small blush coating his cheeks, he seems to be considering what he's about to say. This of course has me intrigued instantaneously, eyebrow raising but remaining silent to give him time.
"I-I ugh! I don't know why, but I went to the clearing last night. Uhh our clearing!"
His volume has me wincing a little, in aims of grounding him I reach for his hand, caressing his fingers softly. And though his blush grows it appears to work.
"I-I guess I just hoped you'd be there. Then when you weren't I tried to name the stars. But it was overcast, they were hidden. The stars were missing, just like you. And suddenly I felt weaker than I have in a long time."
The words hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew I'd failed him but fuck hearing it hurts more than I'd prepared for. Head hanging with a small sigh I manage to stutter 'I'm sorry', yet as his finger presses against my lips, silencing me, I'm forced to reevaluate.
"B-but that's wrong! I know that. Y-you made me realise how strong I am. But you didn't make me strong."
Oh. Well damn that actually makes a lot of sense. I've been giving myself far too much credit.
"Then seeing you today, s-so broken.. Craig, p-please tell me what happened?"
His finger trails down my chin until his hand cups my face, raising it and forcing me to meet his eyes. His confused, concerned, caring eyes; I can't refuse him.
My mind buzzes with flashes of memories, I'm still running the meter on my rented time; I know what I'm starting with, and as such flashes of both Tweek and Cartman's alternates play out. Realising I need time to figure out how to word this, I nod, letting him know I am going to answer. Squeezing my eyes closed I give up, pathetic I know, and accept the fact that there is no rational way to start this. Instead I just dive straight in, knowing full well this will most probably have disastrous consequences in terms of him freaking out. But as he said, he is strong. I don't like to play things down to him, set his limits for him. It's not my place to decide what he can or cannot handle, he'll stop me if he truly thinks he can't. So, reluctantly, I begin my explanation, intent on continuing until, or if, he asks me not too.