A Thousand Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia Axis Powers, but I do own my overly random plotline and any OCs I throw in.

Chapter 36: Enough

Insanity.

Insanity, pure and simple, is what was going on, if you wanted Antonia's opinion. How dare her mama think they wouldn't try to get back to her when she needed them, that they would just go along and leave with veritable strangers.

No. It wouldn't, won't, happen, because they'll just follow after mama as soon as they can.

"You know mama, wants us to be good," Lovino stated, his quiet voice tempering the anger Antonia felt. She understood the necessity, from a practical standpoint. Their mama wanted them safe, wanted them to learn and grow and understand these people that could have been family, crazy, huge, and eccentric though it might have been, it could have been family nonetheless.

"Mama wants lots of things, Lovino, but she also still has trouble accepting that she can be happy," Antonia snapped. She could be insightful when she wanted to be. Her mama had been hurt. Her mama had suffered. More than that, as happy as mama Lovina had become over the years, it couldn't erase the shadows and longing no matter how hard she tried.

"Antonia, Lovino," Lovina called from the doorway. Oh, how grown the two were…20 years really didn't seem like so long ago. 20 years didn't change the fact that for so long the mere idea of a nation having children was laughable, but here they were, and she'd be damned if she didn't do all that she could for them, to keep them from becoming anything like her and Feli. "I know…I know it's a lot to ask, for you to go with strangers, for you to trust them and to trust that these are the people you need to be with, but even the Lady knows that you two have talents, that you need direction and assistance I cannot give you."

Lovina sighed. "You know…sometimes in life there are hard questions, questions that sometimes don't have answers. Sometimes you just have to trust and it's scary. It's absolutely terrifying, never knowing if you're doing the right thing or not. I trust you two to know I want what's best for you. I know that you only really know your Tio Sadiq, but we both know these people that the Lady wants you to go to and we wouldn't agree to that if it wasn't necessary. Sadiq will visit you and make sure you are okay."

"But what about you? Who will look after you and make sure you are okay mama? How can we leave you without knowing if you will be safe or not?" Antonia demanded.

Lovina swallowed. It's so hard to look her daughter in the face sometimes, especially when she reminds her of herself. "All you need to know is that I love you and will do everything to protect you and return to you."

Lovino looked at her strangely, a bit bewildered, but mixed with reluctance to accept the conversation. His mother and sister are both strong willed. Both stubborn and determined, but both loved so deeply that he could understand why they limited themselves to those they know…those they trust. So who is it that they are going to that has their mother's trust?

"Mama," Lovino hesitantly began. "Mama, who is it you are sending us to? What difficult question is it that you don't have an answer for?"

Lovina closed her eyes. Of course it would be her little boy who asked. Of course he would think about her words in one of those rare moments where nothing makes any sense and yet it does because of so much of the past she left hidden.

"Sometimes you have to ask yourself the hard questions. Sometimes you have to push yourself, to change the things you want, to learn even when you don't want to, to just know," Lovina answered. "For me, I never wondered what would happen if I had another chance. If I could, If given the chance, the choice, to start over, would I choose to meet them all again or choose to not meet them at all. I never once thought about it. I had Sadiq and you, and that was all I ever needed. I figured that I deserved to be happy and beyond being absolutely terrified and confused about a lot of things, I actually was, but now I have to face that question. I need to…talk to people who know more about balance and things going on. Things I don't…we don't understand even though we're adults and older."

Lovino wondered how that was fair. He knows, his mother taught him after all, that life seems unfair because different people have different wants and needs and that most don't know the difference, but he wonders how she can just accept that. She's going to be forced to face everyone and everything that makes up the past. She is going to have to deal with all the details that she hasn't told them, the story that they know there is more to, alone.

"I know it's not," Lovina closed her eyes, because Creator it hurts to even think about leaving them, separating them for any length of time when they've always, always, had each other. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I know it's not ideal, that we're all going to different places, even temporarily, but I need you two to understand that this is for all of us. So we can be together again in the future, so we can live and be happy and safe, as safe as the current state of the governments allows at any rate. I will not love you less for what you learn or what you choose in the future, I just want us to have a chance to have that future."

It hurt to admit, to even think, but that's all Lovina wanted. She wanted the chance for a future for all of them, for herself, her children, the life she's built with her Creator be damned family. A chance that they all might survive, that they could, and that perhaps the shifted balance she sees that they are precariously balancing on the precipice of could be righted and she might have this still. It might be a foolish hope, but it's a hope Lovina knows she will have to carry in her heart because she doesn't know if she could live with the thought of what if she loses them all or worse still that there might not be a future for them at all.

If she gave either Lovino or Antonia a single reason to think that something might happen, that the future she's hoping for is a lie, she knows they'll fight her with all that they have to be with her and try to stay by her side. She knows they might get hurt because there's so much history they still don't know about that they might make a rash decision and do what she had...Creator forbid that they follow in their mother's footsteps and make a decision without thinking of the possible consequences when it could put their existence in jeopardy. Lovina could never allow that, so for all the reasons she knows they want to stay together, she's going to give them all they need to go.

The mere thought makes her heart clench, it makes her feel all the thousands of years and weary beyond belief, but for all the risks she's taken thus far, it would be far worse that she leave them in the dark now.

"I know you don't like being separated, not from me and not from each other, but we all must do so, because as much as I love you and for all I want us to remain and be safe, I need you to understand your abilities more," Lovina admitted softly. "You two have grown so much and I have had you to myself all your lives, but it could be dangerous if I don't let you learn. More than I need you with me, I need you safe. I will always love you, I will always be your protector, the one who raised you, held you, and continues to care for you. Always. Nothing can change that I am your mother or that you are siblings. We'll always find our way back together, because we're a family and distance cannot stop love."

The words that she said almost felt like a relief. They felt true to her heart and truer to the spirit and soul of herself than anyone might believe. She could only hope that it would be enough.