Chapter 53.
Sarah, Mary, Bobby and Dean had eaten a simple supper together in the kitchen. Then Bobby said, "We'd better get you home, Sarah, I need to know where your place is so I can help bring stuff over tomorrow."
"Do you want me to come too, Sarah?" said Dean.
"No," she said, "You have things to discuss with Sam. I'll see you tomorrow." She stood and went to his side of the table to kiss his cheek. "You take care of yourself, Dean. Get plenty of sleep."
"You too." he said, taking and holding her hand for a moment.
When Sarah and Bobby had gone, his mother said, "That woman is incredible. She told me a little of her life story. She's done amazing things."
"Yes, she has." said Dean.
"She cares about you a lot."
"Yes, she does." he said.
"And you talk to her, which is fine. It's good. I wish you could talk to me, but at least you're talking to someone."
"We talk." he said.
"I know." she said, but her eyes were busy counting the syllables.
"Are you gonna dance with me tomorrow?" he asked suddenly.
She looked at him, wide-eyed. "You plan to dance?"
"I thought I might." he said.
"Of course I'll dance with you." she said.
He nodded. "Good."
"Sarah is a miracle worker." she said.
"We'll see about that." he said, "When Sam gets in, I need to talk to him."
"Sam too? A mother could get jealous."
"It's not like that. We need to discuss strategy for tomorrow."
"Strategy, for a party?" she said.
"I suppose you just turn up, dance, eat and go home." he said.
"Pretty much." she said with a smile.
"What about Cas and Jack. Do they need to talk strategy with you too?"
"No, show them the decorations for the party. Take your time."
"Why do I feel like your diversion?"
He stood and hugged her. "Because you're a hunter. Nothing gets past you. I just need to talk to Sam without Cas around."
"Okay. I'll distract your angel."
"And quit calling him that." he said.
Later, he was in his room and Sam knocked on the door and said, "Can I come in?"
"Yeah." said Dean, "Come in, sit."
Sam sat on the bed. He looked as if he had a long list of questions, but he waited patiently for whatever Dean had to say.
"There are two things that happened today that you need to know about." said Dean, "And they're not good. In fact, you need to think about whether they render me useless or even dangerous."
"Go on." said Sam.
"First, Cas is okay, right?"
"Cas is fine. He liked the reservoir and he's nervous, but excited about the party."
"But no crushing despair?" said Dean.
Sam looked troubled.
"There is something?"
"No," said Sam, "But why would you ask about that?"
"The worst bad thing that happened today ... I felt certain something was wrong with Cas. I mean, terribly wrong. Wrong enough that I was about to call."
"What stopped you?"
"Sarah reminded me that the talismans mean I can't know what I thought I knew and now you've confirmed it wasn't real. Sam, I imagined it. That has to be taken as the principle piece of evidence that I am no longer in the ballpark of sane."
Sam looked deeply troubled. Dean felt bad for burdening him with this new bad news, but he felt he had to. He was no longer an asset to Sam's team of hunters and he was very worried that he might be becoming a liability.
"Obviously, we need some protocols in place." said Dean.
"What? What protocols?" said Sam.
"We've been down this road before. When I lose my grip on reality, I can get dangerous. We need to prepare for you having to throw me out of the bunker or contain me within it."
"That's crazy." said Sam.
"That's very much my point." said Dean, "I'm crazy. Let's use this window of opportunity while I'm still sane enough to see it to take sensible steps to prevent me from damaging anything or anyone."
"Dean, listen to me, you are not insane." said Sam firmly.
"Okay, not insane, not yet, but I'm not rational either and I'm struggling to distinguish fact from imagination. I'm not saying kill me, just make sure I'm not the one you're relying on."
"I can always rely on you." said Sam, "Look, thinking Cas was in trouble doesn't mean you're losing it. It just means that you care about Cas. You know he's unstable at the moment. You're his friend. Worrying about him is perfectly rational and normal and sane. I swear to you, Dean, I don't think you're crazy or close to it. I think you just care."
"Don't say anything about this to him." said Dean, "If he starts to think the talismans aren't working ... "
"I know. I agree. We should keep this between us." said Sam quickly, "Otherwise, he'll do something dangerous."
"Yeah, always his default response, go out and do something stupid."
"You might wanna stop using that word around him. It hurts him." said Sam.
"Him doing stupid stuff hurts me." said Dean.
"Thanks, Dean, that's super mature."
Dean was about to react in similar vein, but he stopped himself. "Sorry. I just can't handle all this. Anything could set him off and if words are gonna do it, they're gonna be mine, aren't they?"
"So just watch what you say." said Sam, "A little love and support would be good."
"I know. I'm trying."
Sam nodded. "Yeah. So what was the other bad thing? You said there were two."
"I danced with Sarah today and it was weird."
"Weird how?" said Sam. His face showing his concern.
"I just got very emotional. It felt like something, some mess of dark feelings, was about to drown me. I had to stop dancing."
"What did you say to Sarah?" said Sam.
"The truth. I had no option. She's not stupid. She could see what it was. I think she was expecting it."
Sam nodded and looked thoughtful.
"Say something, Sam."
"What do you want me to say?" said Sam, "It's good that you're being honest with Sarah."
"You don't think the key thing here is that I danced a few steps and became a complete wreck?"
"You've been a wreck for years." said Sam.
"Thanks."
"No, I mean, this stuff is not because you danced. It's because you've been going through every kind of pain since you were a kid and you never stopped to recover. You never looked for help. You kept on taking the hits with no chance at healing."
"There was never time, never an opportunity."
"I know. You were too busy saving me and Cas and the world. What I'm saying is, I don't think this is bad. I think Sarah has a way of getting you to open up and yes, it hurts now, but if it leads to healing, isn't that good?"
"Healing isn't an option." said Dean.
"Well, part of you clearly doesn't agree." said Sam.
"Over-optimistic psychobabble aside," said Dean, "I need you to promise me something."
"What?" said Sam.
"Tomorrow, at the party, if I seem weird or wrong or overly emotional, cover for me and get me out of there before I ruin it for Cas."
Sam smiled sadly. "So you don't mind having a breakdown, as long as it doesn't interfere with his party? You never change, Dean."
"Cas needs the party and he needs it to be happy and free of worry. You think he'll be free of worry if I am going insane in the corner? Just promise me, Sammy. You don't have to agree with me, just promise."
"I promise. If you get overwhelmed by the bad stuff, I'll cover for you. It doesn't matter whether I agree or not. You're my brother. What you need, I'll do."
"Thanks, Sam."
"You got Cas's present okay?"
"Yeah."
"With a Latin engraving?"
"Go on, guess which one." said Dean.
"I have no idea." said Sam, "You could tell me. You could have told me which phrase you needed. It took a long time to translate them all."
"It's part of my job to make sure you do plenty of homework." said Dean.
Sam gave him an odd look and he found himself thinking of growing up in motel rooms, watching Sam doing his homework and knowing, somehow, that it mattered to Sam far more than it ever would to him.
"Don't look at me like that." he said, "I did okay at all that stuff. You got an education because of me."
"Yeah, Dean, I was just thinking the same thing. At the reservoir today, I remembered that time we went there when I was finishing school."
"Wow, you remember that?" said Dean, "That seems a lifetime ago."
"You didn't remember it?" said Sam.
"I remember." said Dean, "One of the few days that year we didn't argue."
"We talked a lot that day." said Sam.
"We did." said Dean, "It was also one of the few days I wasn't a total dick. Look, I know I wasn't the best brother ... "
"You were to me. You still are." said Sam, "Whatever you're going through, I'll be right there with you, always." Again, his expression seemed both troubled and troubling. "And I'm sorry for every time I lied to you, let you down and made your life harder."
"You have nothing to be sorry about." said Dean, "I'm proud of you." He stood up. "I'd better go check that Cas likes the stuff for the party. I just wanted to give you a heads up about the crazy."
"You're not crazy." said Sam.