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BirdsandStars

I don't know how much time goes by, I just know I'm more tipsy and uninhibited than I should be. I see a shadow approaching where I am, I turn briefly. To my surprise, it's not who I imagined it to be.

—Can I join you? —she asks as she sits down next to me.

—You've already sat down. —I tell her with a smile.

—The first party I went to, the same thing happened to me.

—Did everyone tell you you were talented?

—No. I wanted to get away from there as fast as I could. —she says to me with a smile. —Does it bother you when people say you're talented?

—Yes. Because I'm not.

—I don't understand you. I saw the scene you shot today, you're talented Anastasia.

—Do you know why Christian chose me for the lead? —I ask her while she shakes her head. —Because he wanted to sleep with me.

—I don't think so. Christian is impulsive, yes, but he wouldn't do something like that when he knows he could ruin the movie because of some stupid thing.

—Well, he did. I was prepared for another character, and he had me audition with him for the lead in the scene where Max stalks Elizabeth to the apartment and they have sex.

—He did what! —she screams in surprise.

—I thought you were friends, that he told you.

—We're friends, but he didn't tell how the casting went.— she says thoughtful. —I can't believe he did that.

—First he ripped my panties on the set, and then he fucked me in the trailer.

—My God! I know he's impulsive, but I swear that's not normal behavior from him. You must have affected him a lot for him to lose control like that.

—That's not exactly when he lost control. —I'm saying this very quietly, lost in my memories.

—You know he loves you, right?

—I know.—I tell her with a little disappointment in my voice.

—And you also know that he has a line of women behind him waiting for the slightest chance to get into his bed.

—I know that too. —I tell her with a lost look at the waves breaking on the shore near my feets.

—Do you know how many women would give anything to be in your shoes? To work with him in a movie? For him to give her any of his attention, or for him to ask her to marry him.

—I'm not with Christian because of his attractiveness, or his money, or his fame. Actually, I've tried to avoid him and ignore him on several occasions. But the attraction between us was too strong, and there came a time when I couldn't resist anymore. He made me slowly fall in love with him.

Jolinne didn't say anything else, she just stared at me and couldn't believe what I was telling her.

—No one can know that we are engaged. —I tell her in a whisper.

—He told me.

—He also told you that we have to meet secretly? Or that we have to perform outside the set so no one suspects we're together? —Jolinne looks at me with a frown, but says nothing.

I'm shaking my head while I put the bottle and the glass aside.

—That's what I miss most, not being able to be a normal couple. You don't know how much I wish all this would end so that we could sleep together, wake up together and do all the things we want without having to hide for fear that a paparazzi would take our picture and everything would be discovered.

—Did you talk to Christian about all this?

—No. I'll barely see him off the set. And when we do see each other, the need is above all else.

Jolinne stands up while I look at her.

—You need to tell all your fears and concerns to him. —she says to me as she leaves the same way she came.

And there I stand, hugging my legs as the air hits my face. I close my eyes. I never imagined I could miss such simple things as a date, or a trip to the movies. Well, at least we'd been to the movies in Santa Ana. I smile at the memory.

Another shadow approaches in my direction a few minutes later. I don't turn around. I'm sure Jolinne's here to give me some advice on how to deal with the concerns in this relationship. But this time, it's not Jolinne who sits next to me. I look at him frowning.

—Someone told me you needed to talk. —he says to me as I look around the house.

Jolinne stands there, gives me a smile and disappears inside.

—No one will interrupt us for the moment. —he says as I look back at the sea.

—I don't know where to start. —I tell him sincerely.

—What worries you most, Ana?

—Everyone says I'm talented.

—Because you are.

—But I don't quite believe it, Christian. —And I know why I'm saying this as I look away from the sea and lose myself in his eyes.

There had been many failed castings before he, strangely, chose me for a lead that I hadn't even prepared.

—Do you think, if you weren't, you'd be in the film?

—I don't know, you tell me. Didn't you choose me because you were attracted to me? —I ask him as he glances at me.

—So what if that's why I did it? —I can't believe what I'm hearing. —It turned out well in the end, you nailed it in that audition, Ana.

—Are you serious? —I'm asking him in disbelief.

—Of course. You're talented, otherwise that audition, no matter how much chemistry we had, wouldn't have gone well.

My ears aren't listening to what he's telling me. In the end what I imagined was true. He had chosen me only because he wanted to fuck me, that it went well, it was just a coincidence.

—Why are you here alone thinking about all that and drowning your sorrows in champagne? —he says to me as he points to the bottle next to me.

— Because I don't know if I can handle a relationship in secret much longer. —I say very quietly as I look away from him.

—What do you want to do, Ana? —I don't know.

—I don't know. I came here to see if I could clear my head.

Would I change my life as an actress for a life with Christian?

I hadn't done it for Greg, but he didn't look at all like Christian. I have feelings as intense for Christian as I ever imagined I'd have for anyone. Christian makes me feel sexy and daring. And I like the way he makes me feel when I'm with him.

—You know that we can fuck everything up and face everyone together, right? —he says to me, interrupting my thoughts.

And I know that I would do it without thinking about the consequences of our relationship coming out. But it's inevitable to think about the consequences. The worst thing, according to Jonathan, is that I would never work in the movies again. That I could face as long as Christian is by my side. But a lawsuit of hundreds of thousands, I don't think my bank account can handle that.

—I know. —I'm answering it while I feel his hand holding mine.

—What do you want, Ana?

—I want to have a normal life, for us to be a normal couple, this sneaking around shit is killing me. —I tell him while I lose myself in his eyes.

Christian gives me a radiant smile as he gets closer to me.

— So let's just fuck everybody up. —he says to me as he joins his lips to mine.

I know I must push him away, separate him from me, but I can't. Desire eats me up inside as his lips burn against mine.

—Christian! —I groan against his lips.

—Whatever happens, we'll face it together, Ana, just let yourself go, forget everything, don't think about the consequences and let's be happy. —he says to me as he takes my face in his hands.

And I see the sincerity and the love he feels for me reflected in his words and in his gaze. As I lose myself in his eyes, I know that we can face everything together, no matter what the consequences. I don't know if it's so much champagne that it affects my senses and has altered my thoughts, but I need it completely, not just on set.

—Well, fuck it all! —I say to him as I surrender to him.

Christian joins his lips to mine again as his hands slide towards my waist. I lean over to him and sit astride his legs.

—This dress has driven me crazy all night. —he says to me against the lips while I laugh.

—It's nothing fancy.

—It shows too much.

—I thought you wanted me naked?

—Yes, but in my bed with me on top of you.

—Well, let's go to your bed. —I say with a smile as I get up.

Christian picks up the bottle and the glass I've set aside and we head for the house.

—See you there. —he says as he steals a quick kiss from me before entering.

We go in and he puts the bottle and the glass aside as we separate. I shake off some sand and head for the exit. But I'm intercepted by Grace halfway through.

—You're leaving already? —she asks me as I watch her look at my clothes.

And yes, I am aware that I still have sand on me.

—Yes, I'm exhausted. —I tell her by pretending to be tired. —I'm not used to this kind of event and I have to rehearse for tomorrow. —I tell her while she gives me a smile.

—That reminds me, tomorrow you'll have a brief photo session with Joey. —she says, taking me by surprise. —We thought it would be good publicity for everyone to know.

—Yeah, okay.—I say to her as I walk outside saying goodbye.

Just before I go out to the car, Jolinne comes up to me.

—Did you clear your doubts? —she asks me with a smile.

—Yes, thank you. —I tell her as I kiss her on the cheek.

—That's what friends are for, go, I know you're in a hurry to leave. —she winked at me.

Outside, the paparazzi are still there. But I'm not interested in having my picture taken right now. I get in the car, and I speed off to Christian's house.

As fast as I got in my car, the paparazzi did the same. I can see in the rearview mirror how they're starting to follow me, and I speed up as much as I can trying to lose them. When I'm approaching Christian's house the doors open quickly so I don't have to slow down much and I enter the car directly into the garage out of sight of the curious paparazzi.

I've never had an adrenaline rush like this in my life. I get out of the car with my breath coming in fast and there he is. Standing in front of me. I walk in his direction but he intercepts me halfway and kisses me ardently.

I wrap my hands around his neck and pull his hair making him groan against my lips.

—I want you so badly. —I say against his lips.

—And I need you so desperately.

His hands go down to my buttocks and I quickly see myself jumping on him and joining our lips as I tangle my legs around his waist and he walks with me.