Book Three, Part Eighteen: Breaking Up with Mark

Meredith's Point of View

"Hey, Whore. Where have you been lately?"

I looked up from hanging my lab coat up in my locker.

"Didn't you know? My life is full of drama at the moment." I reminded her sarcastically.

"Oh, you mean Married Deserter Baby Daddy coming back?"

I glared at her and shrugged out of my scrub top.

"Yeah, that…among other things." I sighed, stopping my actions and leaning against the cold locker door.

"Like what? Finally figuring out that Mark is not the one for you?" Cristina asked casually.

I looked at her and huffed, turning away from her.

"Sorry!" She said, getting her own things from her locker. Then she slammed the door. "You know what? I'm not sorry. I am only telling the truth. Not all of us are in denial and you know I have never been one for keeping my opinions to myself. You don't love him, not like you should. You know this, I know this and most importantly, Mark knows this, and it is very selfish of you both to keep hanging on to a dead relationship just because you are comfortable. Comfortable doesn't mean shit, neither does being grateful to someone. Where is the passion? Oh wait, I know. It's with another man. A man who now lives here. A man that is the father of your daughter."

"A man that is married!" I hissed, interrupting her. "A man who left me, who chose his family over me, who made my decisions for me."

"A man who you still love." She countered.

I swallowed harshly and turned away, finished dressing and shrugged my coat on.

"It doesn't matter. Even if I forgive the rest of it. It doesn't matter because he is still married to her." I said without looking at her.

"Apparently you don't listen to Seattle Grace gossip, because Derek asked Addison for a divorce last night." She closed her locker and went to the door, looking back at me. "Looks like you need to find another excuse." She said before she left me alone with my thoughts.

My dizzying, loud thoughts. I sat down on the bench and buried my face in my hands.

"You okay?"

I took a long shuddering breath and then looked up at Mark.

I wanted to say that, yes, I was okay. That I was happy with my life. That I was in love with him. But I couldn't, because I wasn't. I wasn't in love with him, though I loved him. I was being selfish in keeping him with me even though it was at arm's length. I was being deceitful every time we made love because it wasn't making love if you are not in love. I was keeping him from a life he deserved with a woman who deserved him because of my own fears. So, I decided to be honest.

"No, I'm not okay." I whispered, looking up at him, my eyes conveying what my words couldn't.

"I know you're not. I'm not either." He said, sitting down next to me. I leaned against him and breathed him in. He was so familiar, so good.

"I'm so sorry." I breathed.

"Me too." He said.

"What do you have to be sorry about?" I laughed humorlessly.

"I let this go on for way too long." He said.

"You did?"

"You love him." He stated.

"I don't want too." I said.

He laughed.

"You are so stubborn. Haven't you ever heard the saying, Forgiveness divine or some bull like that?" He asked.

"To err is human; to forgive is divine." I quoted. "I don't think Alexander Pope had my fucked-up situation in mind."

"I think it applies to everyone, Mer. We were good together, but we weren't great. You deserve great." He said.

"So do you." I said.

He cleared his throat and blushed.

"Oh my God, Mark! Who?" I asked, somewhat happy, somewhat pissed off. I had been physically faithful to him, he better have given me that same courtesy.

"Not like that! I may have feelings for someone. Feelings that I stifled out of respect for you. I would never cheat on you Mer." He said.

"I know. Old habits are hard to break. As of now, I have no hold over you. And for the record that person better be Lexie." I said sternly.

Now it was his turn to be surprised.

"You think I haven't noticed the way you get all stiff and formal around her, how uncomfortable she makes you. How nervous she is around you? You two only get that way when you are flustered. She is a wonderful woman, don't hurt her." I said, giving him my blessing.

"Don't let him hurt you. Ex or not, I will have something to say about it." He said, giving me a huh and a kiss on top of my head.

"Don't be a stranger." I ordered.

"I won't be. You and Mia are still my family. I need to get an apartment, so I am going to sleep in the guest room for a few days, if that is alright with you?"

"Absolutely." I said.

"I love you Mer." He breathed.

"I love you too."

He smiled at me then for the second time that night, I was left behind.

I don't know how long I sat there, could have been minutes, could have been hours.

"Oh, Mom." I heard.

I looked up to find my Mia looking at me in sympathy. She sat down next to me and pulled me in her arms, like I have done with her so many times.

"How did everything get so messy?" I asked.

"It's not messy if things are turning out like they meant to be." She whispered.

"When did you get so wise?" She asked.

"I got it from my Mom. Let's go home." She said.

"Yeah, home sounds good." I agreed.

So we went home, just me and my daughter. That was the way it had to be until I got straightened out.

What did you think about the breakup?