Chapter 46: The Truth Finds a Way
Ah dear, this chapter was a hard one to write, but write it I did. As always, thanks SO SO much to anyone who still follows, loves and comments on this story, it seriously means the world to me. I really hope you all enjoy this chapter as tough as it was for me to finish :)
The arrival of Pryde had proved hard for both Armitage and Lyra. Armitage was worked to the bone and his suspicions of both Hux and Lyra meant that Lyra's hold on the force was no longer a useful defence against those who would hurt them. Pryde had brought men with him, his men and men that were just as suspicious of Hux and Lyra as he was.
In a matter of days, Hux had gone from believing that Lyra was safe with him on the Finalizer to believing she was in more danger than ever on-board the ship. Pryde was just as eager to assume power as he was, and unlike Ren, he was not a loose canon.
Pryde was organised, dedicated to the order and would kill anyone who stood in his way. Much like Hux was before he realised the value of his wife's love and respect. He would sniff out any excuse to bring about harm to the both of them and Hux was already debating sending Lyra away for her own safety, the knowledge of what happened the last time he did that after the destruction of the Hosnian system stopped him from doing so.
One day, when they were both having dinner together, Lyra fidgeted uncomfortably at the table.
"What is it darling?"
She shook her head, dismissing his concern as she took a sip of wine.
He stared at her for a moment, waiting for her to tell him what was wrong before taking a bite of food.
She sighed before putting her knife and fork down. "Is there no way we can leave? Is there no remote planet we can go to and avoid all of this? I feel like we're grenades on this ship, ready to go off at any moment."
Hux tapped his wine glass as he frowned. "No, there's none. I've exhausted every option, but Ren and Pryde have men in every corner of the galaxy, and your Resistance friends, they aren't strong enough to take on the First Order's armies. We have to wait this out."
"We're waiting out a war while simultaneously standing in the firing line Tij."
She looked down at her wine, a familiar and sudden pain hitting her as her hand went to her stomach.
"Please excuse me for a moment" she said before getting up and going to the bathroom. Her hand trailed down her core and when she brought her fingers back into her line of sight, she saw blood.
After Ren's visions of her and Armitage's child, she had foolishly hoped that a child would be an immediate result of her recent intimacy with Hux, and she felt a sense of disappointment that it was not the case. After all, amongst all this chaos and pain, the love of a child would be a welcome change to them both. She washed her hands before sitting on the edge of the bath, looking down as she thought of her life and her future.
Hux knocked before coming in. "Is everything alright my darling?"
"I just, I just got my period" she told him quietly.
He sat next to her on the bath. He sighed, knowing why she was so sad. In truth he had hoped that all their recent lovemaking was leading to a child too.
"Don't worry my love, these things take time, I believe you can do anything if you want it bad enough, you've proven that time and time again. Until then, we just keep practising" he said as he nudged her shoulder affectionately.
"I've been, I've been thinking perhaps with Pryde's arrival, a baby might not be the best choice right now, with all these extra guns and military procedures, it's not exactly a great place for a child Tij" she replied.
He nodded slowly. "If that's what you deem best, then that's fine."
She went to stand in-front of him. "Tij, I've been meaning to tell you something."
He sighed, his jaw tensed. Every time Lyra had confronted him this way it had never been anything good.
"The other day, when you left me to go to work, the day after we made love in your office, I felt different than usual. More powerful, more in touch with the force, it's one of the reasons why I was hoping I might be pregnant."
He nodded slowly, Lyra knew her connection to the force unnerved him slightly.
"My point is, I felt more powerful than I had in months but when I went to the bathroom to freshen up, I looked in the mirror and my eyes, they were amber, almost yellow" she said.
Armitage shot her a confused look.
"Tij, do you know the kinds of beings who have yellow eyes? The sith, the sith have yellow eyes. It's an early sign of someone falling to the dark side." she told him.
He stood up and looked into her eyes. "I don't see any yellow eyes."
She shook her head. "Not now, but it was there, they were yellow. Do you know what that means? Some of the worst beings imaginable had yellow eyes, Palpatine, Vader, Maul… what if I'm turning to the dark side. This power, this recent shift in our lives, what if I'm turning into something worse than I could have imagined?"
He took her face in-between his hands, stroking her skin softly. "I see no evil here, just my beautiful wife."
She frowned. "I'm serious Tij, I'm scared. I moved that metal beneath Pryde like it was paper, Millicent won't come near me because of the power I hold. I make choices without thinking of the consequences until it's too late. I act out of anger. Look at what I did with you, what I did to Poe. I've been sleeping with you when Poe might out there searching for me and I've been brushing it aside like it's nothing."
He dropped his hands from her face. "So what are you saying? That you don't want to be with me anymore? I've just got you back Lyra."
She shook her head. "No, I, I never said that, I don't know what to do Tij. I'm losing myself."
He tilted her chin up to meet his gaze. "You are not losing yourself. You are Lyrasanna Hux, the bravest, most wonderful woman I've ever met, you are strong and powerful but you are also smart and kind, and you're my wife and I love you."
She bit back tears as she nodded slowly. Fighting Tij wasn't worth it, and he had the best intentions, despite shutting down her worry and shrugging it aside.
He leaned down and kissed her, his full lips brushing gently against her own, but when he gripped her hair and went to deepen the kiss she backed away gently, placing her hands on his chest.
"I, I'm sorry Tij I told you, I just got my period, I'm not in the mood at the moment, sorry" she told him.
Once again his jaw tensed before he kissed her head again softly, nodding against her hair. "Alright, I'll get you a hot water bottle and some painkillers."
She smiled at him, thankful he was never one to push her too far. As Armitage dutifully went to fetch her a hot water battle she made her way back to their main quarters, she made her way to the couch, lying down as she waited.
Her mind drifted to thoughts of Poe, of him lying in bed, the soft first light of day on D'Qar entering the window of their room, illuminating him in a way that made him even more beautiful, even when she thought it wasn't possible. She thought of herself waking up to see him by her side when she had been shot. She thought of the day he nearly died in a routine mission, of seeing him land all bruised and dirty and yet still impossibly beautiful to her. She thought of holding him, of his long eyelashes brushing her shoulder when he pulled her close in a hug. She thought of his laugh, of how his eyes creased when his grin spread from ear to ear. She thought of his memory so much she was brought to tears.
When Armitage came over with a hot water bottle, he frowned at her crying and handed her the bottle immediately.
"Darling, what's the matter?"
"Nothing, nothing, just pains, it's nothing" she replied.
He handed her a glass of water and some painkillers before settling down beside her on the couch, allowing her to rest her head on his lap. With one hand, he stroked her hair and with his other free hand, he held the hot water bottle in place where she needed it most.
As he tended to her, she cried. She cried for what she had done to Poe. She cried because she missed him, she cried for he guilt she held and for the two men she could not seem to tear herself away from and she cried over those facts, and the fact that her current situation was bringing her closer to the dark side.
Armitage didn't question her tears. He knew better than to do so. He feared the truth in her answer, so instead he tried to comfort her.
"Did you see the new dress I bought you? I thought you might like it, you have been wearing a lot of red lately I thought you would enjoy it" he told her.
"I did, thank you. It's beautiful, but I can't wear it" she replied.
He frowned. "Why ever not?"
She turned her head towards him. "It's backless. I don't wear backless dresses anymore, because of the scars."
He paused, before his hand went to her back, sliding under her top to feel the raised, scarred skin of her back, causing them both to flinch. When he was done feeling the lasting affects of Snoke's cruelty, she turned so that she faced him.
"I'm so sorry Lyra" he said.
"It isn't your fault Tij" she replied.
He frowned. "But it was my fault Lyra. If only I hadn't brought you back to this fucking ship, back to Ren, back to Snoke, none of it would have happened. You would have been free, granted I couldn't have guaranteed your safety, but you would have been safer with the Resistance than you were here. Safer than you are with me."
She took his hand. "You were doing what you felt was right Tij, you've always done that."
His brow furrowed. "No, I haven't Lyra. I've always done what's best for me. After my father, all those who doubted me, I made it my life's mission to outsmart them. I helped build the First Order not because I believed in the cause but because it was something I could control. It was something that couldn't be done without me. It was power. And look where I am now, Starkiller base has been destroyed. Pryde has come along to take command of the First Order's forces and between all of this, I've put the only person I've ever loved in constant danger. I'm the most selfish man that's ever-lived Lyra, and I don't deserve your loyalty or love."
She tightened her grip around his hand as she kissed it gently. "Tij, you are so often at war with yourself more than you are with the Resistance half the time."
He couldn't help but chuckle. "As are you my darling. What a pair we make."
She resumed resting her head on his lap and Armitage caught up reading the First Order's plans as Lyra relaxed and eventually fell asleep.
XXX
As usual since Pryde's arrival, Armitage spent almost every minute of the day at work. Lyra had spent the last few days training harder than usual, trying to distract herself from doing anything else that might have brought her closer to the dark side. She even refrained from using her force abilities, feeling the power in using them was furthering her into the dark. Thankfully, even Ren had reduced his training sessions with her. His desire to track down Rey had become his only obsession as of late.
When she had finished training for the day, she went to find Hux in his office but when she arrived and entered the code, she found it empty. He must have been on the bridge, taking orders and abuse from Ren and Pryde.
Before she left, she took a look at Hux's plans, trying to make sense of the First Order's agenda, wondering if there was any possibility she could leak any information to the Resistance, but then, she had no way of contacting them anymore.
As she sat at his desk to look through his various files, she was remined of how badly this ended the last time she did it, finding the plans to destroy the Hosnian system. Still, something inside of her pushed her to search through his files.
One of his drawers was locked and she felt a strange pull to the drawer, it was as if the energy around her was pulling her to look inside. She used her force abilities to open the drawer and saw a commslink. It looked like one of Armitage's old commslinks, it didn't have the most recent First Order serial number and sigil on the side of it.
She pulled it out of the drawer and placed it on his desk before hitting play.
"Hi Lyra,
It's me, it's Poe. Listen, I don't know if this is the weirdest thing I've ever done, I don't even know if I'm addressing you, or if I'm addressing a corpse. I just have to know you're alive or not. Please, if you're there, if you're alive, please say something. Please reply. I can't believe Hux's words, you can't be dead. It isn't possible. It can't be.
Please Lyra, please find me, or let me know you're ok. Give me a sign you're ok, I need to know. Lyra, I need you. I can't believe Hux's words are real, because if they were, if you really are dead, then I'm as good as dead too. I need to know Lyra, I need you to be ok. I love you, I love you so much it hurts. Please sweetheart, please give me a sign."
Lyra listened in disbelief, she played the next message.
"Lyra, it's me again. Stars I wish your tracker was working. I can't find your location anymore, the one time I need to know where you are and I can't find you. I'm going mad sweetheart, I just need to know you're safe. I keep thinking about what I would do if, if you are gone. I can't do this without you, I've barely been managing as it is, but the thought of a galaxy without you, it's like, it's like I wouldn't even have the strength to fight anymore. I keep thinking of how useless it would be returning home to Yavin without you. How waking up without you after this war is over would be like waking up without air. You are what I'm fighting for Lyra, a free world for us both to live in is what I'm fighting for. Stars, I love you Lyra, I need you back here with me. I need you to be alive."
Lyra's tears fell as she listened to Poe's voice. In the next message, he could barely hold it together, his voice breaking with every word.
"Lyra. I can't do this anymore. The only reason I don't find the Finalizer right now and storm right in there to find out the truth myself is because Finn and Rey keep saying I can't. They keep saying that I can't risk my life like that for the sake of the Resistance but honestly, I'm willing to risk everything for you, even my own life. I would pick you every time sweetheart. Whatever life, whatever planet, whatever galaxy, I would always pick you. Bee would always pick you too, i'm gonna have to fight him for you. Dammit Lyra, I haven't slept in weeks, now I know how Hux felt. I just, I need to find you soon, or I don't know what I'll do. Stars, if you're, if you aren't, damn I can't even bring myself to say the words, but if you aren't there, if you aren't safe, goddammit it Lyra I'll kill them all, even if I die doing so. Without you, I'm as good as dead anyway."
Lyra's lip trembled as she listened to Poe's messages, even his voice was enough to bring her back to the realisation that she needed him back. The last message was almost too much for her to bear.
"Lyra, please, I need you. I can't do any of this without you, I can't face another day without you. Sweetheart, I don't know how to live my life without you in it, I can feel myself slipping from this fight, I don't know how to be without you, and I don't want to be without you. I can't be without you."
Lyra stopped the messages, not able to hear Poe in such distress any longer. She took the commslink and returned to her rooms.
When Hux returned back that evening, Lyra was sat at his desk with a glass of his whiskey in one hand. He frowned when he noticed her drinking, she wasn't a fan of whiskey, especially his.
"Lyra, is everything alright?"
She reached for the commslink, holding it up. When he noticed it, his face dropped and his jaw tensed nervously as he began fidgeting with his gloves.
"Where, where did you find that darling?"
She bit her lip as she tried to stop herself from crying. "I went looking for you in your office, thought I might try to cheer you up at work. But I found this."
He frowned. "I believe that was in a locked drawer, you went rifling through my things."
She looked up at him. "I listened to his messages, enough to know he's been sending them for at least six months solid. He thinks I'm dead, but you know all of that, don't you?"
He straightened his collar out. "I, I don't know my darling, I didn't listen to his messages."
She nodded once. "Why does he think I'm dead Armitage?"
Hux reluctantly met her gaze. "He, I was, I was so close to winning your heart back Lyra, so very close and then he rang through to speak to you and I could feel that it would send us back to square one again if he spoke to you again."
"Did you tell him I died Armitage?"
Hux paused, swallowing hard. "I just, I just wanted him to leave us alone my love."
Lyra looked up at the ceiling, as if pleading with the very universe itself. "You told him I was dead, you lied. You've been lying for months, how could you do this? When the tracker stopped working, that was you too, wasn't it. You sabotaged it. All this time I've thought Poe had given up on me, moved on without me, but he was sending me messages this whole time and you knew. You knew he still cared about me."
"I'm so sorry, my darling, I'm so sorry, it was an accident, I regretted it as soon as I said it but I just needed him to leave us alone, and the tracker, I thought if he couldn't see you he would give up. I needed him to go away so you could love me again. I just wanted you to love me again as I love you, and we were so close to being the way we were."
She stood up. "We will never be the way we were Armitage, don't you understand that? We can't, it's impossible, too much has changed. And you lied to me, just when I thought we had some common ground between us, you lied, for six months you've been lying and what's worse is that you weren't planning on telling me."
"I was, I was going to tell you, I wanted to be honest, but you, that day in my office, we were so happy, it was like a glimmer of our past lives returned and I didn't want to lose you again."
Her tears fell as she stood closer to him. "YOU LIED TO ME! Armitage, I thought we were past this. Oh stars, Poe, he's out there right now, scared and alone and heartbroken all because of your lies. He could be dead himself or putting himself in danger to find me, he's hurting and I'm not there to comfort him. Instead I'm here living out a lie with you over something we will never have back again Armitage."
Tears fell from his own eyes. "I'm so sorry my darling, truly I am, I've been working to fix it, I've been trying to fix my mistakes. I never meant it to go this far, I just, I just wanted you to love me."
She looked down. "That's the irony Tij. I did, but this, this lie is too much, even for you. Stars, this is all my life will be now. I'm destined to be in this state of limbo forever. You lie, I get angry, we live in misery, I forgive you and think you're learning from your mistakes and then you lie again and the cycle starts once more. That's all this is, that's all this will be, and all the while war happens around us. I can't, I can't do this anymore."
She sat on the chair by his desk, looking down at the ground blankly. Armitage kneeled in-front of her, taking her hands in his own. "Please my darling I'm so sorry. It won't be like this, I'll make things right, I promise. Please."
She didn't respond, she couldn't even look at him.
"Please darling, get angry with me, hit me, tell me you hate me, please, I deserve it. You can be angry with me just please, please don't shut me out."
She shook her head. "I'm not going to get angry Tij. I'm not going to hit you or tell you I hate you. I don't have the energy for it, not anymore. I can't do it anymore. Just, leave me alone, leave me here to die if you have to. I haven't the strength to fight against it, to fight against you anymore. I'm tired of it all."
He lowered his head in her lap as he cried. "Please my darling, I'm so sorry."
She continued to stare ahead into nothing. "I'm sure you are Tij. You always are, and yet we keep ending up in this same predicament."
She slipped away from him and he watched hopelessly as she climbed into bed and shut him away as she had done when Leia had passed.
The next couple of weeks were like déjà vu for them both. Lyra refused to eat, she barely spoke and often when Armitage returned from work, Lyra was in exactly the same position he had left her in when he first went to work. He was painfully reminded of how broken she was when Leia had died, how close to death she had been. He could barely stand the fact that he was the reason why she was suffering.
As the days passed, he realised he had to do something to fix his wrongs before it was too late for them both.
Finally, after a long, lonely month, Armitage decided enough was enough. One evening, when Lyra sat by the window staring out into space, he threw a bag at her feet.
"I have a favour to ask you" he told her, prompting her to look up at him.
"I need you to go to him. I need you to go to the Resistance and see him" he said.
She frowned and shook her head. "Let it be Tij. There's no point me seeing him for a day just to come back here again, it won't change anything. Just let him believe me dead, I might as well be."
Armitage sighed heavily. "Stubborn fool, I don't mean just for a day. I mean for good."
She looked up at him with a confused expression. "What do you mean? Why would you do that after everything that's happened since I returned here?"
He pursed his lips before speaking again. "Because of everything that's happened since you returned. Because it was never my place to bring you back here, because you love him as I love you and you shouldn't be deprived of that love anymore. You aren't mine anymore, in truth, you aren't anybody's. You're Lyra. You deserve to be free to make your own choices. I love you, I love you so much that I'm finally willing to let you go. I have to let you go."
She stood up and stepped closer to him. "You're serious? You will really let me go to him?"
He nodded. "I can't fix what I've done these past few months, but I can try to make up for my actions now. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I never wanted to make you sad and I never wanted you trapped here and forced to endure torture and misery. I just wanted you back, I just wanted to love you and have you love me back, but I realised that knowing you are out there happy with someone else is less painful than knowing you are miserable and in pain being here with me. I meant what I said that day in my office Lyra. You are the only good thing I have in this life, the one thing I don't regret and never will. I just want you to be happy. I love you enough to set you free."
She took his hands. "You can't let me go without coming with me, the order will know you let me escape. Come with me, join the Resistance, we can protect you. I can protect you Tij."
He shook his head as he smiled at her. "No, someone's got to stay here to cover your escape. Besides, while I want you to be happy, I don't exactly think I can handle seeing you with the Pilot. I'll be fine my love, I always find my way out of these tricky situations."
She couldn't help but shed a tear. "I'll come back for you Tij. I promise I'll get you out of this war safe. Thank you Tij, thank you so much."
He nodded, though he seemed sad she was willing to leave him.
"Pack whatever you need and then I'll cover your escape" he told her.
She agreed, quickly packing away some things away as he grabbed her supplies from the training room before they met up together in their rooms.
"I don't know where I'm going this time" she said.
"Ajan Kloss was their last known location".
"How do you know that?"
"I just do, I don't have time to explain. Are you ready to go?"
She paused before nodding reluctantly. She never believed he would actually let her go, now he was, she almost didn't know what to do with herself.
She followed him through the halls of the Finalizer until they reached an escape pod. Armitage followed her in, just to see she was safe, and he needed to say goodbye. He had brought her the weapons she had trained with, wanting to make sure she was as safe as possible, even without him there to watch over her.
She turned to him after preparing the escape TIE fighter, placing her hands on his chest.
"It's strange, I never thought this day would come and now it's here, I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I can leave you behind."
He rest his hands on hers, hoping that she still might turn around and say she loved him and she forgave him and wanted nothing more than to be with him, not the pilot. But he knew she wasn't his anymore.
"You have to do what will make you happy Lyra. That's all that matters" he whispered to her.
She nodded. "Tij, thank you for this, and I will return for you, I promise."
He shook his head, taking her chin in his hand to lift her gaze to his. "Please don't my love, you will place yourself in great danger coming back here. You must leave and not look back, please."
Her lip trembled. "I promise you when the Resistance have their strength back and the numbers I'll come back for you Tij. I won't leave you behind, I'll never leave you behind. You mean too much to me for that. I, I love you Tij."
He nodded, leaning forward to rest his forehead on hers. "I love you too my darling. So very much, now go."
She reached up to kiss him, one last time, wrapping her arms around his neck as she kissed him, his tears touching her face as he returned the kiss, pulling her close as her tongue crossed over his, desperate to cling onto him.
When she pulled away she wiped his tears as her own fell. "I'll find you again Tij, I'll save you from all this, I promise you."
He nodded before pushing her gently towards the TIE fighter. "You have to go now my love, be safe."
She reluctantly nodded once before climbing into the TIE fighter and looking back at him again.
"Goodbye Tij" she told him, tears falling freely from her eyes.
"Goodbye darling" he replied, watching as she started the ship up and left his side again, this time for good. His throat grew tighter the further her ship got, as if she was taking his very life force away with her. When she was nothing but a mere dot in the distance and then a flash of blue as she kickstarted lightspeed travel, he finally left the dock, checking nobody had seen as he did so.
Lyra was gone, and she had taken the best part of him with her.