Chapter 50 - Forbidden By Self

The day he caved in to Akihiko's requests and returned to SEES, he has expected them to treat it like a big deal. Not because he thought he was worth their thoughts, but because he had been so adamant about never coming back. Instead, they welcomed him back as if he had never left, given him his Evoker, weapon and armband back, then handed him the key to his old room. They hadn't even moved any of the old stuff he'd left behind when he first left, like they had expected him to just one day come back, which he supposed they were right about in the end.

The reactions of his new teammates were more mixed. The most notable at the time was Junpei Iori, the energetic kid who always tried to play it cool, and usually made himself look like an idiot in the process. He had spent the first night bombarding Shinjiro with pointless questions and trying to get him to laugh, smile, or even smirk a little. He failed on every attempt, as the older Persona user spent the entire time with a firm scowl and glare, trying to find out how long it would take for the other boy to get the message and leave him alone.

Yukari Takeba, the daughter of the man who unleashed the twelve Shadows they were hunting, had been more reserved, only asking questions related to their role as SEES members and occasionally pointing out how stupid what Junpei was saying was. He answered her questions as bluntly as possible, and she figured out he wanted to be alone far faster than her fellow first year.

One that was notable in his lack of attention to the situation was Minato Arisato, the man who took charge of SEES in battle, who possessed a unique talent for using multiple Personas (something Shinjiro wouldn't admit he was curious about). Despite initial assumptions that the blue haired, music loving teenager would try to talk to him to understand how best they could work together, Minato kept his distance from his upperclassman, possibly listening to everything or just as likely drowning it out with his headphones. He was a difficult one to read.

Despite his own air of indifference, there were two teammates that caught his attention, though he hid it for now; Aigis and Koromaru, the robot and the dog. Aigis was a strong machine with enough sense of identity to summon a Persona, all while looking human enough that he was hardly surprised a school uniform let her blend in. A part of him bitterly wondered why a bunch of teenagers had to do all the fighting if the Kirijo Group could just make robots that could fight Shadows, but he pushed that aside, figuring that if it was that easy they'd have done it by now. The gynoid mostly just stood nearby, body almost completely still, sometimes getting involved in the conversation, but only rarely.

Koromaru was the one companion he tried not to look at. He had created an image of a strong, rude, and apathetic man so no-one would get close to him, but even with all the hard work he'd put into that guise, he had a habit of losing his composure around dogs. He couldn't help but have a soft spot for those loyal, fluffy companions of man, often giving up some of his own preciously limited food to passing strays, and the white Shiba Inu was the one he had the hardest time ignoring, especially when he looked at him with those adorable eyes. He'd need to get something nice for the hound to make up for giving him the cold shoulder today. When no-one else was around to see, of course.

Back to the human members of SEES, there was the girl that had once led the group to him for information about, Fuuka Yamagishi. The girl with green hair looked nervous the whole night, and he couldn't help but wonder if it was because of him, or if she was just always like this with new people. She spoke a few times, but mostly kept her distance and stayed silent. That meant he wasn't being bothered by another person, so that was fine with him.

Akihiko Sanada and Mitsuru Kirijo left him alone with his underclassmen, already familiar enough with the gruff teen to not need anything from him. Then again, he wouldn't be surprised if his old friend and the strategic expert of SEES were enjoying watching their old ally get increasingly annoyed at all the attention he was being given. Honestly, the only reason he was letting all this happen is because they cornered him while he was eating, and he hadn't found a chance to get away yet. They probably knew that too, as they watched him from nearby, and he could see each was smiling. He tried to ignore them too, and since they were not cute dogs it was an easy task.

Unsurprisingly, one person hadn't come downstairs since he got there. The young Ken Amada... He knew that the boy would never accept him, assuming he remembered...that night. The fact they were both here made it seem like fate, as if the child had been given this power solely to guilt him back to the group he'd abandoned, just so he could face his inevitable punishment.

It was a fate he would not run from, for it is the fate he knew he deserved.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity enduring Iori's "jokes", the group moved enough for him to slip past and was silent long enough to allow him to come up with an excuse about needing to unpack some things upstairs, finally letting him escape to the one place where he could be alone. They didn't argue, instead saying things like "see ya tomorrow", as if they'd already become friends. He wouldn't let them get that close. It would just be a mistake.

In his rush to escape though, he had forgotten something, or rather someone. He was reminded of this when he reached the top of the flight of the stairs and saw a girl with reddish-brown hair sitting on a bench listening to music on her headphones. She was idly humming to herself, tapping her fingers on the nearby table to a beat that he could only assume was fast by how quickly her fingers danced. Since her eyes were closed and the music should be drowning out all sound, he decided to ignore her, not wanting to deal with someone else today.

"Glad to have you with us, Aragaki-senpai."

He turned, hand clutching the doorknob, when he heard those words. Her eyes were still closed and her ears still covered, so how had she known anyone was there, let alone that it was him? It should have been impossible, though that word seemed to lose some of its credibility when you're fighting monsters in a hidden hour of the day and summoning one of the Gemini twins to fight on your behalf. Still, he'd have to keep an eye on this one, just as soon as he remembered what Aki had said her name was.

Hamuko Arisato. That was it.

He didn't bother answering her, heading into his room to be with his thoughts. It wouldn't be long now before he didn't have to worry about such things.

He was amazed how quickly he got back into the flow of battle, and how easily he adapted to the fighting styles of the new SEES members. For as quiet as the blue haired teen was, he had a gift for directing others in battle, his instructions somehow being both concise and elaborate at the same time, and he always seemed to know whose fighting styles would work well together. Shinjiro wasn't too eager to work together in light of his past failure to control his own powers, but it would just make him the subject of unwanted attention if he were to constantly defy orders, so he reminded himself why he was there and played along with the others for now.

Didn't make it any easier whenever their leader had him and Ken work together, oblivious to the pain the boy had suffered at his hands. Sometimes he'd catch Ken staring at him, and he'd wonder if he knew what had happened that October night two years prior, but he dares not ask. He knew he would receive judgement for it soon enough, regardless of if the truth was known or not. He could never keep this up for long, and would inevitably decide he was tired of working with the others and wander off by himself, making it clear he had no intention of letting any of them tag along. On one such occasion though, someone chose to ignore that message and tag along behind him, humming to herself as she did.

The girl was something different on the battlefield, at least compared with the others of their team. When he looked at some of them he saw amateurs trying to keep up, or professionals born to battle the creatures lurking in the hidden hour. Not her. When he saw her fight, he saw a dancer, an artist weaving her way through the carnage as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Her movements were difficult to read, yet mesmerising at the same time, her polearm moving with such ease that you'd wonder if she was born to use it. Part of him wonder who she really was, but was quickly silenced as he reminded himself how futile such questions were before the nature of his fate. For now, he would just have to endure her presence and move on as normal.

"Do you like music, senpai?"

The question came suddenly, yet casually after an extended period of silence, catching him off guard if only briefly. Her tone did not imply that she was trying to break the silence, but instead asking an earnest question, without concern for the monsters that could have been around any corner. He barely knew how to react at first, but eventually muttered a half-hearted "I guess."

"I love music. Don't you think it can convey so much emotion and meaning?"

"...Whatever you say." He did not care about what she was talking about, and had no intention of pretending he did.

"Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Lotus Juice. Something about the way he sings just gives me a feeling of confidence, like I can take on anything, you know?"

His first thought was wondering who she was even talking about. His second was to just nod and pretend he was listening. That tactic got him through a lot of conversations he didn't feel like taking part in, with people not annoying enough to justify punching.

"If I'm talking too much, feel free to stop me. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." That was new. Usually people just kept talking until they either ran out of things to say or he made it clear he wasn't listening to any more of their idiocy. For her to notice he wasn't paying attention early was...different. He wasn't sure how to feel about it, even more so since she didn't sound offended or sad when she said it, instead keeping her cheerful demeanour. Before he could think of a suitable response, she grabbed him by his shoulder and with a surprisingly firm grip made him stop in his tracks. "Shadows just went behind that corner. Be careful."

Her tone was serious, but not concerned. She knew how serious the situation was, but seemed to have utter faith in their ability to overcome it. Rolling his shoulder to get her to let him go, he slung his axe up and held it ready for battle. He had no intention of letting this go on any longer than necessary. Turning the corner, he brought his axe down, and proved her judgement correct as he split the first Shadow's mask in half in a single strike, instantly killing it. The second prepared to leap at him while he was seemingly vulnerable, unaware that he could easily raise the axe again and cut it in half before it could reach him.

He ultimately didn't have to, as a naginata soared over his head and decapitated the Shadow mid-movement, its body disintegrating before it could even reach the ground. Without even waiting for her swing to complete, the girl twisted her body, planted the blade into the ground and used her momentum to spring upwards and kick the third Shadow back. As she landed, the spear's tip was pulled from the ground, and she wasted no time spinning around and stabbing the stunned creature in the stomach, pulling the tip through its chest and scattering the dark substance it was made out of across the nearest wall.

Three Shadows killed without even needing a Persona, and without either exerting themselves. Unplanned, and without him having any idea how she would react. Her dance was over, and her partner tried not to let on how impressed he was by the grace of it all. And now that it was over, she turned and smiled at him like nothing happened.

"Are you ok, senpai?"

"...It's none of your business." He forced himself to say. He didn't want to insult her, but it was better that she not get attached. This was for the best, he was certain. She chuckled to herself.

"If you can talk like that, then you're ok."

He rolled his eyes and walked past her without a word. The Dark Hour would end soon, and they had better head back to the entrance.

No. That wasn't it.

He wanted to get away from her.

Away from her cheerfulness. Away from her hope. He couldn't afford to hope. It would just make things harder in the end. He repeated to himself that this was for the best, as she followed him in silence. A part of him wondered if she suspected something was wrong, but he didn't want to know the answer to that question.

Finally, they made it back and he made himself ignore the others, claiming tiredness and refusing to elaborate or answer questions. Closing his eyes briefly as he walked out the door of Tartarus, he took a deep breath, only to abruptly stop when he walked into something he could have sworn wasn't there earlier. Opening his eyes in surprise, his first thought was to question how she got ahead of him so fast.

The second was to curse that she still had that smile on her face, and how it dared him to feel just a shred of optimism. "Thanks for all your help today, senpai."

"...Whatever." He said, stoically brushing past her. It was all he could do to hide that painful feeling of joy threatening to escape him.

Shinjiro had been out that day. Just because he was dying didn't mean he wanted to wait around the dorm all the time, especially not when there were new recipes to try cooking and feeding to Koromaru. When he finally came home with ingredients, he had not expected to see that girl rapidly devouring junk food and drinking a very unhealthy looking soda straight from a large bottle. Her expression could charitably be described as half cry for help, half threat to not judge her (though it was too late for that).

"..." He didn't want to ask. He really didn't, but for some reason, he just couldn't stop the words coming out. "What's got you so hungry?"

"I...I taste tested Fuuka's cooking today." She said as if the prospect was one of torment that would instantly explain why she was grabbing even more chocolate.

"...So?"

"She's getting better but..." For a moment, Hamuko looked like she was going to turn green before she resumed eating. "It's still not what I'd call food."

Thinking about it, that might explain why last week he found the remnants of something in the kitchen that he could only describe as "disturbing". He had no idea it was supposed to be food, and the thought of people eating it made a shiver run down his spine. Instantly, all had been explained, though he still wasn't comfortable with what the younger girl was now doing. "Where'd you even get all this stuff?"

"I found Junpei's stash." The mention of the other student set off immediate red flags in Shinjiro's mind. In the short time he'd been here, he had already deemed Iori the member with the least healthy taste in food, and her mentioning a stash of food just made him wonder how much of his food she would eat to forget whatever it was Fuuka fed her.

"...Nope." Acting more on instinct than thought, the older boy grabbed her wrist and started pulling her toward the door.

"S-senpai?"

"If you're going to eat to forget, you might as well do it right."

About fifteen minutes later, a confused Hamuko sat opposite Shinjiro in a small café, his thoughts being akin to a worrying family member, a mindset he hadn't even realised he had reverted to. "Senpai? Why did you bring me here?"

"Nutrition and flavour balance." He said bluntly, eyes closed and arms crossed.

"Pardon?"

"If you're going to eat to forget bad food, you need something that is both healthy and filled with flavour. The latter relaxes your taste buds, while the former benefits your body more in the long run. This place is the best mix of the two, as long as you don't overdo it." His tone was completely serious, a fact that was not lost on the redhead as she felt the urge to sit up straighter when she heard it, but she still had to supress a laugh.

"Sorry...! I just never knew you were so passionate about food!" Her comment made him realise what he had done. He had taken the most optimistic person that he should never have allowed himself to interact with to a place where they would be alone together for a length of time. This was almost the complete opposite of his plan for how to handle her, which began and ended with avoiding her. Taking her for a meal, regardless of motive, was very far from avoiding. "But I'm glad. We haven't spent much time together yet, so I'm happy to have a chance to get to know you."

He wondered if it was too late to run. Her smile confirmed that it was.

"So, what can you tell me about the nutrition and flavour balance?" She said sweetly, causing him to internally sigh. With no way to escape, he decided he might as well make the most of it and try to educate her on food. Before he knew it, they had eaten their meals, wandered around the nearby shops, bought some higher quality, healthier snacks for next time Fuuka tried cooking, and were now on their way back as the sun set beyond the horizon.

"So Fuuka's trying to learn so she can impress Minato, but she doesn't know that he eats whatever she gives him because he wants to be with her too. They're both pretty bad at expressing themselves, aren't they senpai?"

"Sounds like it." He said with a small smile, struggling to prevent himself laughing at her stories about what Aki had been up to while he was gone. She had gotten him to lower his guard without him even noticing, and he found himself enjoying her presence so much that he didn't feel at all strange holding a conversation with her.

"That's why I always tell people what I feel about them. Otherwise I'll just be acting like them all the time." She stopped walking, prompting him to turn and see her surrounded by the light of the setting sun. He felt something in that moment, and could feel his temperature rise rapidly. "Senpai, thanks for spending time with me today. It made me happy to see the real you. I'd like to get to know 'you' more, if you'll let me."

He had no response. He couldn't summon his façade to dismiss her, nor find the right words to deflect what she was saying. And all the while, she just smiled, that calm expression practically washing away all his fears and doubts for a wonderful moment.

"That's all I wanted to say. Let's get home before everyone starts wondering where we were." Without another word she walked past him and back to the dorm, leaving him to watch her walk ahead, his eyes capturing every detail of her, from her vibrant red hair to her confident yet carefree stride.

In that moment Shinjiro Aragaki fell in love with Hamuko Arisato.

Then a moment later he realised he had essentially just taken her on a date, blushed furiously and started rubbing his face and pulling at his hat to try and compose himself. If the others learned about this, they'd never let him hear the end of it. So, with a lighter heart than usual, he walked after her, the dark thoughts of what was to come not banished, but put aside for now. One day they would weigh at his soul again, but that would be a struggle he would deal with another day.

A day he would himself declare that love forbidden.

"Ha..." Shinjiro groaned as his eyes slowly and painfully opened. His face hurt, his arm hurt, his legs hurt...after a point he simply declared that everything hurt and forced himself to sit upright as he took in his surroundings. He was in a bed, the worryingly familiar bed that he woke up in every time he was injured, but something caught his attention that he hadn't noticed on previous trips; the sound of many people groaning.

He did not consider himself a man who scared easily, but his time in SEES and in the Netherworld had taught him to be cautious, particularly with unexplained noises that sounded worryingly similar to how movies made zombies sound. So he checked to make sure his prosthetic arm was prepared and grabbed his sword, which must have been brought here by whoever found him. Armed with the blade, he slowly approached the door and slid it open as quietly as he could. As soon as he did, he dropped his weapon in shock and staggered back.

"...No! Why here!?" He exclaimed in horror, gazing into the hallway. There, practically lining the halls on both sides were demons with pale skin, gaunt expressions and blank eyes. Some stood in place but made no effort to move, while others rested against the walls, their will to even stand long since gone. He wanted to run from this reality, pretend it was something else, but there was no hiding the truth. He had seen this condition far too often to mistake it for something else. "Why the hell do demons have Apathy Syndrome...!?"

As soon as he spoke, the familiar image of Kirijo appeared in the hallway, his suit frayed and his appearance more concerned than he had ever seen. The businessman quickly forced himself past the despondent demons and sealed himself and Shinjiro back in the room. "I am thankful you are awake, Aragaki."

"Cut the small talk! What's going on!?" The Persona user was still reeling from what he had just seen. Nothing had prepared him for that, or for how many there were. Kirijo, noticing this, gestured for him to take a deep breath and then guided the younger man back to his bed before the pain in his legs caught up to him again.

"...We are uncertain right now. After our enemy was defeated, we found you and brought you here to rest. We believed we finally had a chance to leave this all behind us and return to our lives. Then, it happened." He took a breath and rubbed his eye to compose himself. "Apathy Syndrome. Dozens of cases of it happening suddenly and without warning. We started guiding them here, only for something to change the layout of the academy around us. Hallways became dead ends or looped back to where we began. Staircases took us to unexplored areas, or ones that simply should not have been where they were now. Even worse, we lost contact with some of our own in the process, either by separation or in misguided attempts to find those that were already lost."

"...How many do we have?" He knew he would hate the answer.

"Not counting the nurse, we have yourself, Chidori, Agnus and his new companions, and myself. Mao and his allies separated from us prior to the incident, and we have been unable to find them. Akihiro, Masaru, Dai and Juro went to try and find them, but none of them have returned yet. Damia went missing when no-one was looking. Samantha wanted to keep looking for victims, so she and Saiduq are also unaccounted for."

"And Mei?"

Kirijo was silent before responding, which was not an encouraging sign. "She collapsed after the battle. We brought her here as well, though last I checked she was still asleep. I...do not know when she will awaken."

"Six people, a bunch missing and a passed out girl... Shit." He clutched his head in his hands at what he was having to deal with. "Just once, can things not be so goddamn complicated!?"

Kirijo stayed silent. He doubted anything he could say would make his ally feel better, and it would feel hollow to his own ears as well. With one last sigh and a grim expression, Shinjiro grabbed his coat and slung it back on, picking up the discarded sword.

"Alright, Kirijo. Show me where the others are. Show me how bad things have been while I've been out cold." The man nodded and with both clutching their weapons tighter, they silently stepped outside once again, forcing their way to the end of the long hallway and into a larger room with strange architecture, even by netherworld standards. Chidori was waiting for them, and though she glared at Kirijo when he arrived, her attention was soon drawn to a door opening in-front of them all, seemingly by itself.

With hesitation, all of them carefully stepped inside and then stopped as they came face-to-face with a thin staircase leading into a large gold and white clock, its hands pointing to a minute to midnight. They knew this room. They'd all been here, whether they wanted to or not. The silence only broke when Shinjiro whispered the one word they were all thinking, and that their Personas were screaming inside their heads.

"Tartarus..."