I had a LOT of fun with this one.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.
...
"That was an incredibly disappointing villain," Dogranio commented.
"Good riddance to bad rubbish," Evolt agreed with a grunt.
"Hey, the sun is coming back up," Dogranio noted as the darkness was dispelled and a second dawn rose. "Anyone have no idea how that works?"
"Not particularly, no," Abrella commented.
"And I don't really care," Evolt said cheerfully.
Z winced and shielded his eyes. "Great, natural light. Not my favorite."
"Don't you have a thing about rainbows?" Dogranio asked the Emperor.
"Yeah, but I'm still a creature of darkness, so it's sort of a forbidden fruit kind of thing?" Z admitted with a grimace.
"You gonna be okay?" Evolt asked.
"Well, it's not exactly comfortable, but I can handle some sunlight for a while… I think," Z muttered, fidgeting.
"Here, take this," Abrella said, handing Z an umbrella.
"What's this?" The dark ruler asked as he examined the object, perplexed.
"Open it and see," Abrella suggested.
"Okay," Z agreed, opening the umbrella… And much to his astonishment, was enveloped in total darkness, only his glowing red eyes visible in the pitch-black void. "Whoa!"
"The heck is that?" Asked the startled Dogranio.
"It looks like some sort of souped-up UV shield," Evolt observed.
"Correct!" Abrella exclaimed. "Think of it as a budget substitute for environmental suits like the one I'm wearing. Z, so long as you are in the dark shroud projected by the umbrella, no harmful light rays can touch you. You can stay out in broad daylight for as long as you wish without feeling any ill effects."
"Hey, thanks!" Z cried in delight. "It feels like I'm home! Oh wow, that feels so much better. Hey, do you think I could get a big bulk order? Some of my subjects who are as fascinated by the world of light as I am could make good use of something like this."
"Certainly! And since we're… "Friends," I'll even give you a discount," Abrella said generously.
"Hey, if there's so effective, how come you don't wear one?" Dogranio asked Abrella, perplexed. "You're from a dark planet yourself, aren't you?"
Abrella tapped the jar around his head. "I can't breathe the atmosphere here, remember? The umbrella would do me no good if my lungs dissolve from all the oxygen in the air." He smirked. "Also, it doesn't really match my style."
"True that," the Gangler boss acknowledged.
"Hey, can I get a refill on my popcorn?" Z asked.
"Sure," Dogranio said, pulling a new tub out of his safe… And paused. "Uh, kid, I can't really see any of you in there except for your eyes. Where am I supposed to put this? Don't want to spill it all over you by accident."
"Just hold it at the edge, I'll grab it from you," Z assured Dogranio. The elderly criminal shrugged and carefully extended the tub out until it's rim was just inside the edge of the dark veil. He felt the tug and let go of the popcorn, the food container vanishing into shadow.
"Anyone else think that's kind of creepy?" Dogranio wondered as the sounds of crunching popcorn could be heard from the void.
"No. So, who's next to watch?" Evolt asked.
"Starfish Hitler," Z said immediately, taking advantage of the fact that nobody could see him to speak with his mouth full. "It's an absolutely absurd concept! I can't wait to see what they're doing with it."
"Should I know who Hitler is?" Dogranio asked in confusion. "Is he not usually a starfish?"
"He's just some two-bit human dictator from the last century," Evolt said dismissively. "Small time in comparison to guys like us."
"Indeed," Abrella said with a disgusted sniff. "His methods of conquest and ethnic cleansing were so inefficient. I would've done a much better job if I were inclined for such a thing. Not that I ever would now, of course, since I am a legitimate businessman, and certainly wouldn't sell anyone the tools they needed to try something like that on their own."
"Of course not," Dogranio said with a straight face. "So why is he a starfish now?"
"Starfish Hitler was originally a monster created by an evil organization called the G. O. D.; the Government Of Darkness," Abrella explained. "For whatever reason, they had a bizarre penchant for creating monsters that were mash ups of animals and historical or mythological figures. Although he was a one-shot monster and swiftly beaten by Kamen Rider X, due to his incredibly memetic nature he's rather infamous and has been embraced by neo-Nazis, whose hatred and devotion to his agenda has granted him power far exceeding that of your run of the mill monster of the week.
"In any event, I shall turn on the subtitles for the benefit of our viewers, who may not understand what is being said by Starfish Hitler or his associates," Abrella decided, making a gesture at the camera.
"Is there any way we can see those as well?" Z asked.
"But of course," Abrella promised, making another gesture.
The camera turned to focus on Taiga and Nico, who were surrounded by a small army of G. O. D Warfare Agents dressed in Nazi military gear. Taiga was in his level 50 form, while Nico was still using her Metroid armor. Starfish Hitler stood in their midst, cackling maniacally and gesturing at a group of monsters at his sides. "Du hast es bisher gut gemacht, gegen meine Schergen zu kämpfen, Reiter ... Aber gegen meine neuen Freunde hast du keine Chance! Erblicken! Centipede Nobunaga!" (You have done well so far to fight my minions, rider ... But you have no chance against my new friends! Behold! Centipede Nobunaga!)
"My ambitions shall not be satisfied until I rule the world!" Roared what appeared to be the Armored Warrior Inhumanoid, but red in color with centipede motifs covering his armor and cape. "And perhaps not even then!"
"Poodle Mussolini!"
"Il fascismo è una religione. Il ventunesimo secolo sarà conosciuto nella storia come il secolo del fascismo!" Bragged an incredibly fluffy humanoid poodle dressed like an Italian soldier with the face of Mussolini. (Fascism is a religion. The twenty-first century will be known in history as the century of fascism!)
"Teddy bear Stalin!"
"Nuzhno unichtozhit' kapitalizm!" Roared an adorable teddy bear dressed like a commissar with the face of Joseph Stalin that barely came up to Nico's knees. (Must destroy capitalism!)
"Pol Pot Panda!"
"khnhom nung sangphteah muoy chenhpi chhaoeng robsa anak!" roared a panda dressed like a general with bloodstained fangs and massive claws. (I shall build a house out of your bones!)
"Sea cucumber Saddam Hussein!"
"Mn yuhawil tasaluq siajinaan , sanuhawil tasaluq manzilh!"," said an absolutely disgusting creature resembling a humanoid sea cucumber with a large orifice where its face should be, and when it opened that mouth to speak it revealed the face of Saddam Hussein. (Whoever tries to climb over our fence, we will climb over his house!)
"Osama bin Laden Otter!"
"Almawt lajamie alkafaar!" snarled a monstrous humanoid otter with a ragged beard dressed like an imam. (Death to all infidels!)
"Und Cockroach Kim Jong-Il!"
"naneun siljelo ag-uiga-eobsneun bi inganhyeong-i anibnida. igeos-i jega siljelo boineun moseub-ibnida. uli gajog-eun modu daleun haengseong-ui gonchung goemul-ibnida," explained what appeared to be a Darkroach with the face of Kim Jong-Il. (I'm actually not a Villainous Inhumanoid, this is what I really look like. My family are all insect monsters from another planet.)
"Und schließlich bin ich, der Super Starifsh Hitler, der Anführer der neuen Achse des Bösen!" Starfish Hitler declared. "Zusammen werden wir diese Welt beherrschen, und ich werde der Führer von allem sein, was ich überblicke! Bwahahahahaha!" (And finally, I, Super Starfish Hitler, am the leader of the new axis of evil! Together we will rule this world, and I will be the Fuhrer of everything that I survey! Bwahahahahaha!)
All the resurrected part-animal historical dictators threw back their heads and laughed malevolently.
Taiga and Nico stared at them blankly. "For the last time!" Nico yelled finally. "WE! DON'T! UNDERSTAND! YOU! SPEAK! JAPANESE!"
Starfish Hitler facepalmed and groaned.
"… Okay then," Evolt said after a moment, dumbfounded.
"Should we know who these other guys are?" Asked a baffled Dogranio.
"More monsters created from fusions of animals and historical human dictators," Abrella explained.
"Where did they come from? I thought the G. O. D. was defunct," Z questioned.
"How do you know about that?" Asked the surprised Evolt.
"Aside from the fact that X came onto the scene decades ago, so of course they've probably been long since dismantled? Hello? I'm the Emperor of Darkness!" Z reminded them. "I'm pointing to myself, but you probably can't see that due to this umbrella."
"You're right, we can't," Abrella agreed.
"He was ranting about how we are the new axis of evil, and with himself at our head, he will dominate the world and become the Führer of everything," Centipede Nobunaga translated helpfully.
"Thank you, Centipede Nobunaga!" Nico exclaimed in relief. "… Is something I never thought I'd say."
"And the others?" Taiga asked.
Centipede Nobunaga shrugged. "Nothing important for the most part, except that Teddy Bear Stalin wants to destroy capitalism and apparently the entire Kim family are actually evil alien cockroaches from another world."
"Oh, like in that one movie!" Nico cried, surprised.
"What movie?" Taiga asked in confusion.
"Oh, just something I saw in America," Nico said. "It was extremely vulgar and involved puppets having bad sex."
"… What?!" Taiga cried in disbelief.
"Come on, it's not that much weirder than some of the shows WE make!" Nico pointed out, to which Taiga had no real retort.
Centipede Nobunaga shook his head. "My country sure has changed over the last few centuries…"
"Genug davon! Schnappt sie!" Starfish Hitler shouted, pointing at the Riders. (Enough of this! Get them!)
"He said-" Centipede Nobunaga began.
"Thanks, but I think we get the gist," Taiga interjected as the G. O. D. Warfare Agents did the Nazi salute, shouted "HEIL!" And charged at them, the monsters of the new axis of evil following suit. He glanced at Nico. "You ready for this?"
Nico grinned. "Getting to beat up a bunch of Nazi scumbags and some of history's greatest monsters with the powers of Samus Aran and my good-looking sidekick? Dude, if there isn't a game about this, we should totally make one!"
"I'm not your side-" Taiga started, only to pause. "Wait, did you just say I was good-looking?"
Suddenly, there was an explosion that sent several of the soldiers flying. "Don't think you can distract me by blowing things up, I want you to explain yourself!" Taiga demanded.
"As much as I'd like to take credit for that, it wasn't me," said the baffled Nico.
"What? But if that wasn't you, and it certainly wasn't me, then who…?" Taiga wondered.
There was another explosion, followed by the sound of very familiar-sounding maniacal laughter. Without warning, a large tank resembling the form that Nico could transform into using Bang Bang Tank roared into view, the massive military vehicle running over several Warfare Agents, Osama Bin Laden Otter, and Cockroach Kim Jong-Il.
"Nan gwaenchanh-a!" (I'm okay!) The cockroach monster cried as he sprung back up, face covered in tread marks. Osama bin Laden Otter stayed down, clearly dead.
"He says he's okay, but I don't think any of us actually care," Centipede Nobunaga translated. Cockroach Kim Jong-Il glared at him.
"Who the hell is that?!" Nico demanded.
"Wait," Taiga whispered, seeing "TEAM SNIPE" emblazoned on the side of the tank. "Don't tell me…"
The hatch on top of the tank opened, and a Rider wearing armor resembling Taiga's Level 1 form, only gray around the helmet, popped up. "Hey guys! You miss me?"
"JIRO?!" Taiga and Nico both cried in disbelief.
"And should we know who this guy is?" Dogranio asked, increasingly bewildered.
"That's Jiro Maki, an associate of Kamen Rider Snipe," Abrella explained, looking equally confused. "He wasn't a Rider last I heard, though…"
"What are you doing here?!" Taiga demanded.
Jiro burst into laughter. "What, you didn't think I was going to let my best friend and his sidekick fight Nazis without me, were you?"
"Not his sidekick!" Nico yelled.
"The minute I heard you guys were in the middle of a big thing, I came right over to help," Jiro explained. "And since it occurred to me that it wouldn't really make sense to be the only one of us who can't transform, I went ahead and got a Driver from Genm on the way over, so now you can call me Jiro Snipe!"
"Okay," Taiga said, confused. "But where did you get the tank from?"
Jiro just laughed maniacally at that.
"Abrella, did you sell it to him?" Evolt asked Abrella suspiciously.
"No, this is as much a surprise to me as it is to you," Abrella refuted him.
"Es ist mir egal, wer du bist! Töte sie! Töte sie alle!" An outraged Starfish Hitler yelled, pointing at the heroes. (I do not care who you are! Kill them! Kill them all! )
"I don't think you really need me to translate that," Centipede Nobunaga said apologetically.
"No, we don't," Taiga agreed. "Okay… Jiro, first of all, thanks for coming to help."
"No problem!" Jiro quipped.
"If this were any other time I'd yell at you for getting involved in something as dangerous as this, or trying to transform considering the last time you did it KILLED you," Taiga went on. "But seeing as how you're here and you seem okay, that will have to wait for another time. Let's take these guys down!"
"Mission Start!" Nico whooped.
"Let's show them what Team Snipe is made of!" Jiro cried, dropping back into the tank and closing the hatch behind him.
The villains and Nazi soldiers roared furiously and charged towards the trio.
They soon regretted it.
"Ha! You Nazi scumbags think you can take me?! Do you have any idea how many first-person shooter games I played where I get to kill you guys en masse? All of that has been training for this moment!" Nico cried, firing blast after blast from her arm cannon, getting perfect headshots on every Warfare Agent stupid enough to rush towards her.
Taiga continuously punched and kicked at the air, most of his blows striking a Warfare Agent, and even if they didn't, the cannons all over his body fired, blowing some hapless minion to pieces. "You've made a huge mistake facing me in this form!" He warned the goons as more kept coming, his HUD lighting up as his targeting software activated. "You're just giving me more and more targets to hit!" He spread his arms out to the side, and the cannons mounted on his shoulders fired, launching a tremendous fusillade of missiles which obliterated everything around him.
"Yes! Run! That's right, run! Bwahahahahaha!" Jiro cackled madly as he chased after some fleeing Warfare Agents, firing his cannon periodically to blow up pieces of the landscape and send goons flying and running over any Nazi too slow to get out of his way. "Look at me go! I am such a big hero right now! Gyahaha-eh?"
With a roar, Pol Pot Panda slammed into the front of the tank, muscles rippling as he pushed back against the vehicle, causing the treads to shudder and grind to a halt. "dambaung khnhom nung yk saamnbahang nih khtech chenh banteabmk khnhom nung daoh kruengosastravouth robsa anak chenh banteabmk khnhom nung briphok sach robsa anak haey banteabmk tiet khnhom nung yk chhaoengchomni muoy chenhpi chhaoeng robsa anak!"!" He snarled as he gripped the tank by its underside and started to lift, attempting to flip it over. ("First I shall peel this tin can apart, then I will tear off your armor, and then I shall feast on your flesh, and THEN I shall make a footstool out of your bones!)
Jiro opened his hatch and poked his head out. "Hey, cut that out!" He drew his side-arm… And hesitated. "Hey, Taiga?"
"What?!" Demanded Taiga, who was exchanging blows and gunfire with Poodle Mussolini.
Jiro gestured at the panda monster, who was slowly starting to tilt the tank back with his tremendous strength. "Can I kill this guy? Pandas are an endangered species, last time I checked, and I don't want to get in trouble!"
"I'm pretty sure that in this case, it's fine!" Taiga grunted, sticking an Overblast Cannon in Poodle Mussolini's mouth and firing, blowing the back of his skull out.
"Okay, but if PETA or some other animal activist group send assassins to kill me, I'm blaming you!" Jiro decided, aiming his gun at Pol Pot Panda and firing, taking out an eye.
The monster grunted in surprise, losing his grip on the tank and stumbling backwards, clutching his bleeding socket. Jiro ducked back inside the tank and swiveled the main turret, clocking the panda on the side of his head and dazing him. The tank surged forwards, and Pol Pot Panda cried out in agony as he was dragged underneath the treads, the tank rocking and nearly tipping over as it ran over the revived dictator's bulk.
Jiro popped his head out of the hatch, looking back to see a mangled panda corpse in his wake. "And that's for the Khmer Rouge!" Jiro proclaimed triumphantly. He grimaced as he took another look at the body. "Oh wow, that looks really bad. Maybe I should ask Taiga how he disposed of bodies in his back alley doctor days, I REALLY don't want to get in trouble for this…"
"I feel like I should feel bad that a panda was killed, but he was really scary and based on an incredibly horrible dictator, so maybe not," Z commented, feeling conflicted.
"I'm suddenly reminded for some reason of a former associate of mine, the Megabeast Hunter Bangray," Abrella spoke up abruptly. "As the name implies, he traveled the universe, hunting rare giant creatures across the cosmos, with 99 confirmed kills. He rendered quite a few species extinct, and a great number of animal rights groups tried to kill him in retribution."
"And let me guess, they found themselves as his next prey?" Dogranio speculated.
Abrella nodded. "Indeed. He met his end on this planet a few years ago while seeking out his 100th prey, the legendary Cube Whale. A pity, I made quite a lot of business off the Megabeast parts and hides he sold me… Not that I would ever market in such ghastly business anymore, good heavens no."
"Of course not," Evolt said sarcastically.
"Dang it, what will it take to kill you?!" Nico demanded as she unloaded beam after missile after beam into Cockroach Kim Jong-Il. Much to her frustration, no matter what she fired at him, no matter how much damage he seemed to take, the cockroach just got back up for more.
"meonjeoi kkangtong-eul tteeo naego gab-os-eul beosgigo yugcheleul mankkighamyeon ppyeoeseo balpan-eul mandeul geos-ibnida!" Cockroach Kim Jong-Il bragged. (My species is absurdly resilient. It will take a lot more than you possess to defeat me!)
"Oh my Gaim, I don't understand moonspeak!" Nico shouted. "Don't ANY of you know Japanese-"
"NUZHNO UNICHTOZHIT' KAPITALIZM!" (Must destroy capitalism!)
Nico screamed in alarm as Teddy Bear Stalin jumped onto her helmet, the Russian cub's gnashing teeth filling her visor as he clawed and bit at her face. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Get him off, get him off!" She wailed, flailing around frantically.
Cockroach Kim Jong-Il burst into laughter. "eoliseog-eun sonyeo, ije naega neoleul pagoe hal geos-ida!" (Foolish girl! Now I will destroy you!) He taunted, firing energy beams at Nico…
Which missed, due to Nico running around screaming while trying to dislodge Teddy Bear Stalin. "Ahem. eoliseog-eun sonyeo, ije naega neoleul pagoe hal geos-ida!" (Ahem. Foolish girl! Now I will destroy you!)
Cockroach Kim Jong-Il fired more energy beams. These also missed. "ibwa, jaleu gessni? nan geunyeoleul ssolyeogo haeyo!" (Hey, could you cut that out? I'm trying to shoot her!) Cockroach Kim Jong-Il yelled at Teddy Bear Stalin.
Teddy Bear Stalin shot the cockroach a confused look. "Ey, ty ne mog by eto vyrezat'? YA pytayus' zastrelit' yeye!" (What did you say? I didn't understand you, speak Russian!)
Cockroach Kim Jong-Il scratched his head, baffled. "museun malsseum-eul hasyeossnayo? ihaega an dwae hangug-eoleul haeyo!" (What did you say? I didn't understand you, speak Korean!)
"Kakaya?" (What?)
"Mwo?" (What?)
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Nico screamed. "I don't understand you and you don't understand each other so everyone just. STOP. TALKING!"
Having absolutely had it with both of them, Nico decided to emulate the heroine her form was based off of and get rid of the irritating parasite on her head by curling into her Morph Ball form and dropping a Power Bomb.
The resulting explosion was so massive and incandescent it was like a second sun briefly flared into life on the battlefield before abruptly being snuffed out, leaving behind a massive crater and vaporizing dozens of G. O. D. Warfare Agents unlucky enough to be in the startlingly vast vicinity.
Overkill? Perhaps.
Satisfying? Most definitely.
Nico uncurled from her Morph Ball form, the form of Teddy Bear Stalin, still clinging to her helmet, turning to ashes and blowing away. She glanced around, noticing that all that was left of Cockroach Kim Jong-Il were a pair of smoking feet standing some distance away. She sighed in relief, the tension leaving her shoulders. "Thank goodness that's over with. Now I never have to hear that gobbledygook again-"
Suddenly, a corpulent humanoid Aye-Aye wearing the uniform of a Ugandan general with a kilt and bagpipe appeared. "Usikose ulinzi wako bado, msichana mpumbavu!" (Do not drop your guard just yet, foolish girl!) He screeched in Swahili. "Kwa sasa lazima unichukie, Aye-Aye Idi Amin, Mfalme wa kweli wa Scotland-" (For now you must face me, Aye-Aye Idi Amin, the last true King of Scotland-)
Before he could finish, Nico screamed in wordless fury and charged at him, intending to obliterate Aye-Aye Idi Amin, who had no idea what he'd gotten himself into.
Once she was gone, Cockroach Kim Jong-Il, who'd managed to save himself but at the cost of his feet, poked his head out from where he'd buried himself in the ground. "mangchyeo, nan jib-e galgeoya," (screw this, I'm going home,) he grumbled, beginning the long, long crawl back to North Korea. "I ilbon yeojadeul-eun michyeoss-eo!" (The women in this country are crazy!)
"Should we tell her the cockroach is getting away?" Z asked.
"No," Evolt said bluntly.
"Where that guy come from?" Asked the bewildered Dogranio.
"I have no earthly idea, and it's getting irritating," Abrella complained, starting to look annoyed.
Meanwhile, Taiga was having a very bizarre and unorthodox battle with Sea Cucumber Saddam Hussein. "What… What the hell is this?!" The Rider demanded, horrified and disgusted as the monster opened its mouth and the face of Saddam Hussein extruded outwards… And out, and out, and out, the Middle Eastern dictator's visage just the tip of a grotesque fleshy mass of slime and guts and internal organs, the monster's body shriveling and collapsing on itself as it pushed more and more of its innards outwards.
"Okay, that is just VILE!" Cried a horrified and disgusted Dogranio.
Retching sounds could be heard from underneath Z's umbrella. "None of you can see, but I just threw up," the Emperor informed them. "Also, I need a new thing of popcorn. Evolt, I don't suppose you could make a blackhole to dispose of the waste?"
"Yeah, no," Evolt cried, leaning away in disgust. "Take care of it yourself."
Sea Cucumber Saddam Hussein laughed. "'araa 'anak last ealaa eilm bialtabieat alhaqiqiat likhiar albhr! ladayhim alqudrat ealaa alqay' 'iilaa alkharij eind muhajimatihim min qibal alhayawanat almuftarasat lilsamah lahum bialfarar. Wamae dhlk , laqad taealamt kayfiat aistikhdam hadhih alqudrat li'aghrad msyy!" (I see that you are unaware of the true nature of sea cucumbers! They have the ability to vomit out their innards when attacked by predators to allow themselves to escape. I, however, have learned how to use this ability for offensive purposes!)
"What?" Taiga asked in confusion, just before Sea Cucumber Saddam Hussein's face snapped forwards, the fleshy tendril slamming into Taiga's chest with the force of a semi truck and flinging him backwards.
"What the hell?!" Taiga demanded as he pulled himself back up, befuddled and horrified. "Didn't… Didn't that hurt you, too?!"
Sea Cucumber Saddam Hussein cackled madly, the tentacle weaving chaotically through the air. "Lays biqadr ma sayudhik!" (Not as much as it will hurt you)
The tendril snapped forward, Taiga barely rolling out of the way before it could slam down where he'd been standing, shattering the ground. Taiga quickly got up and opened fire at the tentacle, but it twisted and turned wildly through the air, each shot passing through a gap in the mass's coils. Getting an idea, Taiga quickly dove out of the way as the tentacle lashed out again, rolling into a crouch and immediately firing his cannons at Sea Cucumber Saddam Hussein's body, which was standing idly as the tentacle violently flailed about.
Sparks and minor explosions rocked the monster's body as his shells and rockets struck it… But other than that, nothing happened. "What! That did nothing?!"
"ablh! 'aya juz' miniy qad yatadarar hna! hdha lays 'akthar min qushrat farighat , ghyr qadirat ealaa alshueur bi'ayi shay' hataa 'aeud 'iilayh ... ma sa'afealuh bimujrid aintihayiyin min sahaqak!" (Imbecile! Any part of me that COULD be damaged is right here! That is nothing more than an empty husk, incapable of feeling anything until I return to it… Which I will do as soon as I finish crushing you!) Sea Cucumber Saddam Hussein bragged, tentacle dancing madly through the air.
"Doesn't that mean that once he returns to his body, he'll be in horrific pain?" Z pointed out.
"He probably figures that if he kills that guy, it'll be worth it," Dogranio guessed. "And fair enough, I can see where he's coming from."
"What?" Taiga asked in confusion just before the tentacle lunged at him again. Once more, he dove to the side, but the tentacle immediately doubled back and wrapped around his ankles, pulling him off his feet and raising him into the air.
The Rider wailed as the tendril flung him back and forth, slamming him into the ground over and over again. He struggled to get a bead on anything he could shoot, but the tentacle always kept him too disoriented to get a lock on anything with his targeting software, and kept contorting out of the way whenever he tried firing blindly. His visor cracked, and angry alarms started blaring inside his helmet…
And suddenly, there was the sound of Japanese steel slicing through flesh, followed by the visceral splatter of liquids and an anguished scream that quickly turned into a dull whimper. Immediately after that, Taiga hit the ground again, but this time, nothing pulled him back up. "Okay," he groaned. "That is not an experience I would like to repeat."
"Here, my friend. Allow me."
An armored hand appeared in Taiga's vision. Grateful, Taiga grabbed it and allowed himself to be pulled up and out of the limp coils of Sea Cucumber Saddam Hussein, whose tendril had been neatly severed from his body, the two now lying on the ground, leaking disgusting fluids all over the place as a foul odor filled the air. "Hey, thanks… Centipede Nobunaga?!"
The armored warlord laughed. "Indeed! Or at least, that's what I'm going by for the moment."
"I don't understand… Why are you helping me?" Taiga demanded, bewildered.
Centipede Nobunaga laughed again. "Haven't you been reading the newsletters? I'm a good guy now!"
He twirled, his armor vanishing in a burst of purple flames and revealing a figure in violet and gold resembling a daimyo. He snapped his fingers, and a Gan Gun Hand in its Rifle Mode materialized in his hands. "I only pretended to be evil when I was summoned," the legendary warlord explained. "So that I could wait for an opportunity to strike and aid my rightful comrades."
If he'd had a face, Nobunaga probably would've grimaced. "That happens a lot more often than you might think. It's almost exasperating how many times I get summoned by someone who wants to take over the world or thinks that I'm still interested in ruling the world. I've had enough of that, thank you very much."
"Oh, COME ON!" Evolt shouted, livid. "Nobunaga, one of the good guys?! Seriously?!"
"Didn't see that coming," remarked a pleasantly surprised Z.
"This probably would be a lot more impactful if I had any idea who the hell Nobunaga was," Dogranio complained.
"One of the most infamous figures in Japanese history, a legendary warlord who nearly conquered the entire country during the middle of a massive civil war," Abrella explained. "He's been rather demonized and vilified by Japanese culture ever since, and is often appeared as an antagonist in various forms of media. He even tried to take over the world a few years ago when he was resurrected by the Kougami Foundation. After being summoned as a heroic spirit to aid Kamen Rider Ghost, however, he seems to have given up on that sort of thing and is more or less on the side of good now."
"Oh," Dogranio said. "What a disappointment."
"I know, right?!" Evolt complained.
"Well… Thank you for helping," Taiga expressed his gratitude, still somewhat out of sorts. "I never thought I'd be fighting alongside Oda Nobunaga, but then again, my sidekick turned into a tank earlier today, so I suppose I should resign myself to the fact that nothing is impossible in this world."
"Not your sidekick!" Nico yelled, running over. "So wait, Nobunaga is a good guy now?"
"Apparently," Taiga told her.
"Oh." Nico considered this for a moment. "Should I feel bad for all the times I've killed him in video games?"
"You've done what now?" Nobunaga asked, disturbed.
"So, does that mean we get Nobunaga on Team Snipe?" Jiro asked as he drove over, popping out of the hatch. "Because if so, that means we've upped our pedigree significantly!"
Starfish Hitler was livid. "Nobunaga, du Verräter!" He bellowed. "Wie kannst du es wagen mich zu verraten!" (Nobunaga, you traitor! How dare you betray me!)
"To betray you would imply I was ever on your side in the first place," Nobunaga scoffed. "As if I would ever allow a foreign conqueror to subjugate my homeland! If anyone is to rule Japan, it will be me!"
"I thought you said-" Taiga began.
"I'm not interested in taking over the world. Japan, maybe," Nobunaga informed him. "I mean, you seem to be doing a lot better than you were in my day, but there's still quite a lot that I think could be improved upon."
"He's not wrong," Nico admitted.
"Nico, don't agree with the ambiguously evil legendary warlord," Taiga chided her.
"Ich bin umgeben von Schwachköpfen und Inkompetenten!" Starfish Hitler ranted. "Ich werde mich einfach selbst um dich kümmern müssen!" (I am surrounded by morons and incompetents! I'll just have to take care of you myself!)
"SPEAK! JAPANESE!" Nico screamed.
"What did he say?" Jiro asked.
"He's going to try and kill us himself," Nobunaga explained.
"He can try," Taiga snorted. "Everyone! Take him out!"
The three Riders and Nobunaga unloaded on Starfish Hitler, bombarding him with tank shells, energy beams, missiles, and bullets, enveloping the revived dictator in a great explosion. However, when the smoke cleared…
"He survived that?!" Taiga cried in surprise.
"Should we really be surprised? I mean, that kind of thing happens all the time," Nico pointed out.
Indeed, Starfish Hitler was still alive. Although the ground around him had been turned to glass he himself was still alive, a glowing red and black swastika of energy floating before him. He laughed malevolently. "Trottel! Du kannst meine Barriere nicht antreiben! Es schürt den Hass aller, die an die Nazi-Sache glauben!" (Fool! You cannot penetrate my barrier! It is fueled by the hatred of all who believe in the Nazi cause!)
"He says that his barrier cannot be penetrated and is powered by the hatred of all who believe in his cause," Nobunaga translated.
"Gaimdamn white supremacists, Holocaust deniers, and neo-Nazis!" Nico swore. "I had to deal with enough of those hate-filled bigots when I was in America, we don't need any of that over here too!"
"Wait… If his shield is powered by hatred, then maybe…" Jiro gasped and snapped his fingers. "Of course! We have to counter the power of hatred with the power of love!"
"Love?! Seriously?" Taiga demanded, incredulous.
"There is precedence for that sort of thing," Nobunaga admitted.
"And how, precisely, are we supposed to weaponize love?" Taiga demanded. "Our weapons are guns! We're not magical girls!"
"Speaking of which, do any of you guys think I would make a good magical girl?" Evolt asked out of the blue.
Everyone stared at him, dumbfounded. "I… What?" Abrella stammered.
"No, no, just picture it! Magical Girl Evolto-chan!" Evolt squealed in a moe, falsetto voice. "I think I could pull it off."
They tried to picture it. Z threw up again. "Damn you," Dogranio hissed, seething in rage and disgust.
"You may be the most evil person I've ever met," Abrella informed Evolt. "And I'm not sure that's a compliment."
Evolt just laughed. Z groaned. "I think I need another popcorn refill…"
"…Shit," Nico swore. She pulled off her helmet. "Taiga, take off your helmet."
"Why?" The senior Rider asked in confusion.
"Just… Just do it, okay!" Nico snapped, cheeks turning red.
"Okay," Taiga muttered in bemusement, fumbling with the clasps that kept his helmet on. An embarrassingly long time later, he managed to pull it off. "So why did-"
Nico kissed him.
It was not a magical moment. There were no songs or fireworks, doves didn't fill the air, and the earth didn't move beneath their feet. It was clumsy and awkward and they could both taste what each other had eaten recently and in the back of their minds both of them couldn't help thinking this was really embarrassing.
And yet…
And yet, for a moment, the world seemed to disappear. For a single moment, it was like the two of them were the only people in existence.
And then, gradually, as they became aware of the need to breathe, they also became aware of the incredulous swearing in German and the hysterical laughter of a certain piece of shit who dared to call himself Taiga's best friend.
"Oh my Gaim! OH MY GAIM!" Jiro cried, slapping the top of the tank and laughing so hard he was shaking from head to toe, and seemed to be having trouble breathing. After several gasps of air, he yelled, "I can't – –hahahaha – – I can't believe that the two of you – –ahahahaha – – that you actually fell for it! AHAHAHAHA! YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FACES!"
"Aha! A most amusing just!" Nobunaga chortled.
Three of the four observers burst into laughter. "This guy! This guy! I like this guy!" Evolt proclaimed, pointing at Jiro excitedly.
"I can't believe those saps fell for it!" Dogranio cackled madly.
"The number of 'fail' compilations this will be a part of defy comprehension!" Abrella declared eagerly.
Z, on the other hand, sulked. "It's not that funny. I thought it was kind of romantic until that jerk ruined it."
Nico and Taiga quickly broke their kiss. They stared at each other, minds racing, struggling to comprehend what had just transpired. Finally, Nico gently asked, "Taiga, I know he's your best friend, but may I kill him please?"
"No," Taiga said just as gently. "He's my best friend, which means I have the right to kill him first."
"Hallo! Was macht ihr alle?! ACHTE AUF MICH!" (Hey! What are you all doing? Pay attention to me!) Starfish Hitler roared, infuriated that everyone seemed to have forgotten he was there in favor of focusing on the drama going on between Taiga and Nico.
Nico blinked. "… Oh snap, I forgot about him!"
"You forgot?!" Taiga demanded.
"Look, between the kiss and my sudden desire to murder Jiro, my mind's a little occupied right now!" She snapped. "Like you can say any different!"
Taiga found that he could not. "… About that kiss…"
"We'll talk about it later," Nico said quickly. "After we murder Jiro."
"Agreed," Taiga conceded.
"You're not concerned that your friends wish to kill you?" Nobunaga asked Jiro.
"Nah, they don't mean it," Jiro chuckled. "… Probably. And even if they do, it's not the first time I've died. I'll get better."
Nobunaga nodded in understanding. "Ah, I see. So I'm not the only one of us who has come back from the dead! I am in good company, then."
"Hör auf! Ihr alle, HALT ES AN!" (Stop it! All of you, stop it!) Starfish Hitler bellowed, outraged he had been a ignored again. "Du wagst es, mich zu ignorieren? Dann leide meinen Zorn und erkenne das volle Ausmaß deiner Torheit!" (You dare to ignore me? Then suffer my wrath and realize the full extent of your folly! )
"What did he say?" Jiro asked.
"That he's going to make us pay for ignoring him," Nobunaga translated.
"UMKOMMEN!" (Perish!) Starfish Hitler bellowed, raising his saber into the air. A giant energy swastika materialized above Team Snipe, and bolts of lightning surrounded by swastika-shaped sparks lanced down from it, striking the Riders (and Nobunaga) again and again, the foursome crying in agony as they were bombarded by the hateful power before finally being blasted away in a series of explosions. (Except for Jiro and his tank, which rocked a bit but was still more or less intact. Where did he get the thing?)
"Okay," Taiga groaned. "In the future, we should remember that just because he looks ridiculous and has an insane motif doesn't mean he's not a threat."
"My head is ringing," Nico moaned. "I should never have taken my helmet off. I blame Jiro."
"If I weren't already dead, I think that would've killed me," Nobunaga whimpered.
"Sterben! Sterben! Sterben!" (Die! Die! Die!) Starfish Hitler cackled, flinging swastika-shaped starfish charged with energy like throwing stars, the projectiles exploding spectacularly on impact.
"Quick, everyone get behind me! I'll give you some cover!" Jiro cried, swiftly driving his tank in front of the others, the starfish hitting his vehicle and detonating, but not doing much more than superficial damage.
"Seriously man, where did you get this thing? I'm pretty sure most tanks can't take hits like this," Taiga remarked as he, Nico, and Nobunaga quickly hunkered down on the other side of the tank. He and Nico quickly put their helmets back on while Nobunaga occasionally poked his head up and fired a few shots at Starfish Hitler, blasting some of the starfish out of the air but failing to do any damage to the villain's barrier.
"You're probably better off not knowing," Jiro said evasively as he fired his tank's main gu at n Starfish Hitler. Unfortunately, his shells didn't seem to have much of an impact against the fiend's barrier, either. "So, anyone got any ideas on how we can beat this guy? The power of love didn't work, so I guess that means you and Nico probably aren't cut out to be a couple."
"First of all, shut the fuck up," Nico barked. "Second…" Nico peeked her head out from cover, her visor glowing. "I'm going to do what I should've done the first place and use my Scan Visor to see if I can find any weaknesses."
"Got anything?" Taiga asked, launching a few missiles over the tank at the ground in front of Starfish Hitler, wrecking the terrain and creating a smokescreen which they quickly used to relocate while the dictator was unable to see them.
Nico nodded. "Yeah. Says a powerful enough kinetic impact should be able to break through. My Speed Booster would probably cut it, but…" She paused, glancing up at the tank. A slow grin crossed her face. "I think I have an even BETTER idea."
"Nico, what are you about to do?" Taiga asked warily.
"Something AWESOME," Nico boasted. She curled into her Morph Ball form and rolled up the side of the tank, activating her Spider Ball ability to magnetically cling to its side and roll up its surface.
"Your woman is quite willful," Nobunaga observed.
"She's not my woman !" Taiga snapped quickly.
"Really? That kiss would seem to suggest otherwise," Nobunaga pointed out. "It wasn't an insult, by the way. My own wife is much the same way."
Taiga groaned. "Can we not talk about this?"
"Nico, why do my sensors show that you're rolling down the length of my canon?" Asked a confused Jiro from inside the tank.
"Because I want you to shoot me out of it," Nico explained as she neared the tip of the canon.
"What?!" Taiga shouted.
"… Oh ho ho, I like the way you think!" Jiro cackled. "Okay, just let me know when you're in position!"
"Roger that!" The girl replied. "Taiga, Nobunaga, think you could give me some covering fire?"
"Certainly," Nobunaga answered, poking his head out and firing his gun at Starfish Hitler.
Taiga sighed. "Nico, you're going to get yourself killed one of these days, you know that?" He complained, firing more missiles at Starfish Hitler.
"Not today," Nico said optimistically, popping into the tank's gun barrel. "Jiro, on my mark, I want you to fire me right at Starfish Hitler!"
"Sure, waiting on your signal!" Jiro reported, aiming at the dead center of the tyrant's barrier.
Nico glowed, charging up energy as she prepared her Boost Ball ability. "Three… Two… One… FIRE!"
Jiro fired his cannon a split second after Nico activated her Boost Ball. The combined force of the tank's gun and her own propulsion system launched her from the barrel with such force it created a sonic boom, rocking the tank back on its trends. Faster than the eye could see, leaving a trail of orange light in her wake, Nico slammed into the barrier, sparks flying as she ground against it, revolving several million times a second.
Starfish Hitler was startled by this unorthodox attack, but laughed. "Pathetisch! Es wird mehr als das brauchen, um einzudringen-" (Pathetic! It will take more than that to penetrate-)
With an earth-shattering thunderclap, the barrier was annihilated and Nico slammed into and through his chest, ripping out the other side and smashing into a distant cliff face with such tremendous strength the entire rock formation collapsed on itself.
"… Okay, that was crazy awesome," Evolt admitted. "Gotta give her credit for such a ridiculous but wicked cool idea."
"I want to get fired out of a cannon!" Z cried ecstatically.
"Pretty sure you need years of circus training before you can do that," Dogranio corrected him.
"Not really, anyone can jump into a cannon and get fired out of it," Abrella retorted. "The question, of course, is whether or not you'll survive…"
"NICO!" Taiga cried in horror as Starfish Hitler gasped, staring at the tremendous hole in his body in disbelief.
There was the muffled sound of a few explosions, and part of the pile of rubble shifted, Nico clawing her way out, her armor scuffed, dented, and scratched, but otherwise intact. "I'm okay!" She yelled, giving a thumbs-up.
"That was incredible! Can we do that again?!" Jiro asked giddily.
"Sure thing! As soon as I stop seeing five of you," Nico said in a daze.
"We might have to… Look!" Nobunaga cried in warning, pointing at Starfish Hitler.
The tyrant cackled as the wound in his chest started to close up. "Narren! Offensichtlich haben Sie vergessen, dass Seesterne unglaubliche Regenerationsfähigkeiten haben! In wenigen Augenblicken bin ich mit voller Kraft zurück, und alle Ihre Bemühungen werden nichts bringen!" (Fool! Obviously you have forgotten that starfish have incredible regeneration abilities! In a few moments, I will be back at full strength, and all your efforts will have been for naught!)
"What?" Taiga asked, bewildered.
"Guys, am I the only one who sees that big hole I made starting to seal up?" Nico asked, bewildered. "I'm starting to wonder if I have a concussion…"
"No, starfish have powerful regenerative abilities! Usually that extends to regrowing lost limbs, but for monsters like Starfish Hitler it must amount to an incredible healing factor!" Jiro realized.
"Then we'll just have to destroy him completely, down to the last cell, before he can regenerate and get that barrier back up," Taiga decided. "Nico, can you handle a finisher in your condition?"
"Taiga, I've beaten 72 raid bosses without food, water, sleep, or using the bathroom, then went back to school the next day and aced my exams," Nico bragged. "This'll be a piece of cake in comparison."
"… I'm fairly certain that's monstrously unhealthy and a serious health risk we should probably talk about later, but okay then! Everyone, aim and fire!" Taiga declared, flipping the lever on his Driver.
| CLICK AND OPEN! |
| FINISHING MOVE! |
}!{BANG BANG CRITICAL STRIKE/FIRE! }!{
}!{ METROID CRITICAL BEAM! }!{
**(O)**EYES WIDE OPEN! GET HYPED PEOPLE! GET HYPED PEOPLE! GET HYPED PEOPLE! OMEGA SPARK!**(O)**
Taiga opened fire with all his cannons at once, Jiro took a page out of Nico's book and fired himself out of his tank, his body encased in an energy construct shaped like a bullet, Nico fired an absolutely tremendous energy beam from her arm cannon, and Nobunaga conjured spectral rifles beside him and opened fire. As the spectacular volley drew near, Starfish Hitler realized he was done for, so struck a pose and bellowed out, "Diese Niederlage ist nur ein Rückschlag! Solange es Menschen auf dieser Welt gibt, die meine Ideale teilen, kann ich niemals wirklich sterben! Mein Hass wird für immer andauern!" (This defeat is but a setback! So long as there are those in this world who share my ideals, I can never truly die! My hatred will last FOREVER!)
And then he was engulfed in the combined barrage of the four heroes, and was no more.
"Was that overkill?" Z wondered.
Dogranio laughed. "No such thing, kid!"
Abrella nodded. "Indeed. If anything, it could've used him MORE cannons."
"Hey Evolt, would that have killed you?" Z asked the alien horror.
"No," Evolt said bluntly.
"… Did he say something?" Taiga asked, confused.
"If he did, I couldn't hear it over all the explosions," Nobunaga reported.
"Probably the standard sort of thing about how his hatred is eternal or something, you know how guys like that are," Nico said dismissively.
"Guys?" Jiro whined as he staggered about, dazed. "I think I may have a concussion. In retrospect, shooting myself out of a tank may not have been the smartest idea I've ever had."
"NEIN! Mein Bruder!" An unfamiliar voice shouted. (NO! My brother!)
Much to their bewilderment, a crocodile wearing a Nazi officer's uniform rushed over and looked at the scorching crater that had once been Starfish Hitler in dismay. "… Okay, now I KNOW I have a concussion," Jiro said slowly. "Unless everyone else is seeing this too?"
"If you have a concussion, then I think we all must have one," said the bewildered Taiga.
"This has just been the weirdest day ever," Nico complained.
Trembling with rage, the Nazi crocodile drew a saber. "Wie kannst du es wagen, meinen Kaiser zu töten! Im Namen meines Bruders werde ich, Führerkrokodil, Rache-" (How dare you kill my Kaiser! In my brother's name, I, Fuhrer Crocodile, shall avenge-)
With a series of ominous clicks, everyone pointed their guns, armed and ready, at Fuhrer Crocodile. The Invader Robot Crime Monster hesitated. "... Weißt du was, zweitens mochte ich Starfish Hitler sowieso nicht so sehr. Er war irgendwie ein mieser Bruder. Ich bin nur ... ich gehe jetzt einfach ..." (… You know what, on second thought, I didn't like Starfish Hitler that much anyway. He was kind of a lousy brother. I'm just… I'm just going to go now…)
He quickly scurried away, grabbing the arms of an obese cat man dressed like a Chinese politician and a disappointed Colonel Zol in his Wolf Man form. "Zěnmeliǎo? Wǒmen bù dǎjià ma?" The confused feline asked as he was dragged away. (What's wrong? Weren't we going to fight?)
"Ein anderer Tag, Vorsitzender Meow. Ein anderer Tag!" (Another day, Chairman Meow. Another day!) Fuhrer Crocodile hissed.
The three animalistic monsters based off of historical dictators vanished over the next ridge. The four heroes stared after them.
"What the fuck," Dogranio intoned, a sentiment shared by his three colleagues.
"Seriously, where do these guys keep COMING from?!" Evolt yelled.
"The heck was that about?" Nico asked finally.
"I have no idea," said the bewildered Nobunaga.
Taiga threw up his hands in exasperation. "You know what, I don't care. This has just been too weird. Let's forget this ever happened and go fight a bad guy that makes more sense."
"Right you are, Taiga!" Jiro declared. "… Right after my nap."
He promptly collapsed.
"Oh shit, I think he really does have a concussion," remarked an alarmed Nico.
Taiga swore and rushed over. "Dammit, Jiro, if you die again I'll kill you myself the next time you respawn!"
"Don't worry, if he dies I can probably get Takeru to bring him back in an Eyecon," Nobunaga promised. "That is, assuming he's done something particularly noteworthy or heroic in his life. He wouldn't happen to be a Nobel laureate or have discovered the cure for a rare disease, has he?"
...
STAGE CLEAR!
CONTINUE?