A/N: Mature language in this chapter, so reader discretion is advised.
"Can I come out yet, guys?" I ask, then I press my ear against the wooden door so I can hear their response.
I know it's only been about five minutes or ten at the very most, but it feels like I've been crammed inside this bathroom for an hour and I'm starting to sweat because I can't find a way to close the vent. I think it's neat and all that Rachel's dads built The Oscar Room and it's really nice how they have a stage front and center and a really big screen with a projector hanging from the ceiling, but it's clear that not nearly as much thought was put into building the bathroom as there was put into building the rest of the place.
It's big enough for a toilet, a sink and a shower. It's not big enough for anything more than that. The shower is right next to the toilet and the sink is right across from that. When the door opens, it hits the toilet and if you're not careful, it can make the tank of the toilet fall down and hit your foot. Apparently that happened to Rachel once and she cautions us every time we have an event down here.
It's decorated nicely, don't get me wrong. There's a really nice round rug that is brown and white and it's super fluffy between my toes. And where a mirror should be hanging above the sink, there's a picture of white flowers inside of a brown vase. It's a very nicely decorated bathroom but I'm getting extremely claustrophobic and I'm going to freak if they don't let me out of here anytime soon.
"Guys, I'm coming out!" I lift the little brass ring that opens the door up and push it open just a tad, but I immediately feel someone pushing back against me. "Guys!"
"Not yet!" Rachel yells from the other side of the door and through the crack at the bottom of it, I can see that someone just turned the lights off.
I've had enough surprises for one day.
I guess this whole thing was Rachel's idea. At least, that's what Mercedes told me. I was watching her try to set up the projector and sipping one of Santana's famous "boozy milkshakes" — the one she made with strawberry ice cream and rum — when I turned to Mercedes and thanked her, because I would've bet money that she was the one who organized it. She told me she'd love to take credit for it, but Rachel's been organizing it all week and planned everything down to the games and decorations.
We listened to music at first and just sat around and talked and drank because Rachel couldn't get the projector to work and she wanted to do karaoke first. But eventually she decided to give up on getting the projector to work and that's when I was forced into the bathroom and locked in and told not to come out. I don't know what they're doing next, but I know that I've had way too many surprises for one day. All I really want to do is eat my cake.
"Come on, guys! I'm getting claustrophobic in here and it's super hot!"
I pull my t-shirt away from my skin by the collar just to let some air inside because I am sweating bullets. Had I known that this was going to be an actual sleepover with everyone instead of just me and Rachel, I would have picked different pajamas. I wouldn't have picked these black satin ones with the white pinstripes all over them. They're comfortable and very loose, but they're not very forgiving and if I didn't wear a bra with the button up shirt, everyone in the room would be able to see my nipples and that's only okay if it's me and Rachel here, and even Mercedes. It's not okay for every girl in Glee club to see all that.
"Rachel! I'm sweating so much, come on! Lemme out!"
"In a minute," she says, still relatively close to the door. "Almost done."
"Whatever you guys are doing, I don't care! I just want out of this bathroom!"
The back of my pajama shirt is almost soaking wet. It's uncomfortably damp and sticking to my skin and I feel like I'm going to start to smell bad in a minute, even though I put deodorant on before I left the house. Even my toes are sweating and I took off my socks after the first three minutes I was locked in here.
"Alright, you can come out!" Rachel yells and I can tell by the tone of her voice that she's further away from me now.
If I wasn't so hot and so claustrophobic, my mind would be racing with ideas and thoughts about why they could have possibly locked me inside the bathroom and what they have in store for me, but I'm burning up and five seconds away from having a panic attack, so I lift the ring up again and push the door open so quick that it smacks the wall when I do.
And the whole room is pitch black except for the light still on in the bathroom that goes out whenever the door swings shut behind me. The room is dark and I don't see any of my friends, which makes me sad more than anything. It's not that I think they've just abandoned me or anything like that, because I know they didn't. If I look really hard, I can see Sugar's feet poking out from behind one of the air mattresses. And I can hear Brittany giggling when I hold my breath. But it's just the thought that makes me sad — the mere possibility that I could come out of the bathroom and all the girls that I love so much could be gone.
But before I can make myself too sad and get too far into my own head, multi-colored party lights start dancing all over the walls and the ceiling, and the music starts playing over the speakers so loud that I can feel the floor vibrating underneath my bare feet.
Rachel is the first one to dance her way out of hiding, and she comes out from behind the bar with star-shaped sunglasses on her face and a fluffy pink feather boa around her shoulders. Oh my god… is the only thought I have in my head when she starts singing.
"Baby don't make me spell it out for ya.
All of the feelings that I got for ya,
Can't be explained but I can try for ya."
As she shimmies her way over to me, I can't help but start laughing at her. She looks like such a goofball but I feel myself falling deeper in love with her. I know this was her idea too. It had to have been. Nobody else would put together a performance for my birthday and with one of my favorite songs nonetheless.
"Yeah baby, don't make me spell it out for ya.
You keep on asking me the same questions.
And second guessing all my intentions."
She pulls another pink boa from the bar counter and a pair of star-shaped sunglasses from her pocket. And as she stands a mere inches away from me, I bow my head because I already know what she wants to do with the boa and she proves me right as soon as she drapes it around my shoulders. I shove the pair of sunglasses on my face too, then she grabs ahold of my hand.
And we could be the only two people in this room right now and I wouldn't care. In fact, as the chorus rolls around and the rest of the girls in their feather boas and star sunglasses all come out from their hiding place to join along in singing, I hardly notice them. The only person I see is her and the only thing I feel is her hand in mine, pulling me into dancing like we're in a music video and singing at the top of my lungs with everyone else.
"It's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender!" I grab Rachel's hand and spin her around as we sing together and there I go again, wishing I could freeze time and bottle it up and save it for a time when I really need it. "An emotional sexual bender!"
Rachel bumps my hip with her hip and makes me laugh, then I start to remember that it's not just me and her in this room — that I actually have quite a few people here to celebrate me.
Usually I would care about this. Usually, I'd have major anxiety about looking like an idiot in front of them with my pajamas on and a feather boa and stupid sunglasses. Usually, I'd be sitting on a bar stool just watching everyone else make fools of themselves and relishing in the fact that I'm not one of them.
But it's a Friday night and I'm with my friends. And this is the definition of what a typical seventeen — no, sixteen — year old should be doing, isn't it? I feel free. Free enough to look like an idiot, free enough to not care if I look dumb, free enough to be… me.
I shimmy my shoulders over to where Mercedes is dancing in front of Santana and Brittany, both dancing on the bar. She looks at me with a huge smile on her face, and I grab her arm and put my hand on her back so I can dip her like they do in all those weird 80s movies about dancing and stuff.
"That's just the way you make me feel!" We all sing along to the chorus together and everyone is shaking their hips except for me and I'm cringing at myself, I really am…
But I grab my boa and floss it around my neck as I shake my butt too.
"That's just the way you make me feel! So good, so good, so fuckin' real! That's just the way you make me feel! That's just the way you make me feel!"
I've heard people say plenty of times before that laughter is the best medicine and I used to agree with that statement wholeheartedly. But I don't think the person who came up with that saying had this.
There comes a moment when you're in the middle of a finished basement with all your closest friends and you feel like you are the only people on the planet. Music is turned up so loud that the pictures on the walls vibrate and the lights are crawling so fast that they're just a blur of a thousand colors. Amongst the song lyrics, there are laughs and hugs and butts shaking and feathers flying and sunglasses slipping. Feet stomping, hands clapping, love bouncing off the ceiling. And you stop dancing for one second because you want to make sure it's actually happening and you want to take in the moment and make sure you're going to remember it.
There's nothing else quite like that moment.
Mercedes looks over all the cards in her hand one-by-one, and she giggles at the last one. "I have one," she says, face wide with a huge smile because the last one is the one she picked, which means Tina is the winner.
When I was pregnant, all me, Mercedes and her parents ever did was play Cards Against Humanity. Every night, Mercedes and I would come home and do our homework first thing. Then we would eat dinner and take our showers, and after our showers, we'd gather up in the living room and play a few rounds of Cards Against Humanity. Playing with Mercedes so many times, I've learned all her facial expressions and I can tell when she reads the card she's going to pick as winner. She's hitting us all with the half-smirk after reading the very last card and Tina was the one who handed her the last card, so Tina won. It's simple, actually.
"Okay," Mercedes swallows her laugh and clears her throat so she can read the options. "What exactly is up my ass?"
I have to bite my lip and hold back laughter because even though I didn't win, I still think mine was a pretty funny answer.
"Cake farts," Mercedes starts. That wasn't mine.
"A single, shiny coin," she continues. Also not mine, but pretty funny.
"Trickle down economics." That must have been Brittany's because it makes absolutely no sense.
"A secret blend of eleven herbs and spices," she chokes out through a laugh. That was mine and it's hilarious! And everybody else thinks so too, because they're laughing! I should win!
"The heart of a child," she snickers and Sugar cringes, so that must have been hers. Not that bad. Not hilarious but not bad.
"Justin Bieber," Mercedes laughs the hardest at that one but I still don't think it's Tina's.
"And cumsalot," she puts all the cards in the "used" pile and smiles as she announces her winner. "I like cumsalot the best."
"Finally!" Tina throws her hands up in the air and goes for the cards since it's her turn to be the judge. "I thought I would never get a turn!"
"Oh come on! Cake farts was great!" Rachel pouts. "Because a fart comes out and —"
"We get it, Rachel," Mercedes pats her back. "Cumsalot is hilarious though, you have to admit."
Tina dishes out new cards to us and lets us filter through them as she tells us the question we have to answer. "You guys ready?" She asks and we all nod. "Make _ Great Again."
Oh, I already know which one I'm using! I love fill in the blank ones! I'm super good at these!
A couple rounds ago, I thought about purposely giving bad cards to the judge because I was winning left and right. I'm freakishly good at Cards Against Humanity and I was kicking everyone's ass and the game was starting to not be fun anymore, so I slowed up a little bit. But now that Tina just won a round and Mercedes won the round before that, I think I can step my game up again. There's no way I'm not going to win with this one.
I flip my card over and hand it to Tina, then wait as the rest of them hand over their cards too.
Rachel hasn't won a single round and I feel bad but it's because she's trying too hard to be funny. She keeps trying to make her answers logically make sense and be funny at the same time and it's just not working. Someday I'll teach her how to just be funny naturally while playing Cards Against Humanity.
"Okay, I'm ready," Tina holds all our cards in her hand and reads them one by one.
"Make the beautiful sport of Turkish oil wrestling great again." That sucked. Probably Brittany's again. Or Rachel's, honestly.
"Make shit! great again." A little bit better. Probably Santana's.
"Make passive-aggressive tweets great again." That was definitely Mercedes.
"Make talking about the size of your penis on live TV great again." That was mine and everyone's laughing! Including Tina! Safe to say I won again!
"Make finding glitter in my vagina great again." Brittany's. Easy.
"Make dating your daughter great again… what the hell?" Tina holds her stomach because she's laughing so hard and I think I have some competition…
"Make whichever one of you took a shit in the shower great again."
Okay, damn. There were some good ones that round… I don't know if I won…
"I pick…," Tina looks over all the cards one last time. "I pick make dating your daughter great again. That was insane."
"That was mine!" Rachel's hand flies up in the air and suddenly I don't care that I lost anymore. I don't care about losing, as long as I lose to my girl. And plus, winning made her so happy.
"Okay, this is boring," Santana tosses her cards back into the box and gets up to grab the pitcher of rum-infused milkshake. Even though we've all had more than a few cups and some of us are a little bit buzzed, we all hold our glasses up so she can refill them because when else are we ever going to have the opportunity to get drunk in such a safe setting again? And it's not like we get drunk every weekend. "Let's play something new," she says after topping off everyone's cup.
"Like…?" I ask, licking my lips free of whipped cream.
"I don't know, but not that." Santana sits back down and takes a huge sip of her milkshake. She's been drinking the most so I guarantee she'll be the first to pass out or throw up.
"You guys ever play Never Have I Ever?" I suck the droplets of milkshake that spilled over the rim of my glass off my fingers. "We used to play it all the time at Cheerio's camp."
"What's Never Have I Ever?" Rachel asks me. Next to Santana, she's been drinking quite a bit tonight too and I'm just sure to keep an eye on her.
"Isn't it just when you go around and say all the things you've never done?" Mercedes asks.
"Yeah, but you put your finger down if you've done it. Okay? So say I'm like… 'Never Have I Ever fallen off a bike' and you have fallen off a bike, you put your finger down. Last person with the most fingers up wins." I explain. "Everyone got it? Put your fingers up."
"So I have to say things that I've never done?" Rachel looks at me as she stretches out all ten of her fingers.
"Yeah. Here, I'll go first," I sit up straight and hold my fingers out too. "Never have I ever… been suspended from school." I look around and watch as nobody except for Santana puts a finger down. "So if you have been suspended from school, you put your finger down. Get it?"
"I get it," Rachel nods. "I'll go next."
"Okay."
"Never have I ever colored my hair," she says and watches as me, Sugar, Lauren and Tina all put our fingers down.
"Never have I ever been in a fist fight…" Sugar goes next because she's next in the clockwise direction that we're going in. "...Yet."
Me, Santana, Lauren and Brittany all put our fingers down and Santana looks over at Brittany like she's never been more confused in her life.
"When have you ever been in any kind of fight in your life?" She asks her and Brittany shovels more potato chips into her mouth. "Brit…?"
"Me and Lord Tubbington had a really bad fight over drugs last year and I'm still not ready to talk about it," she crunches on chips and Santana just closes her eyes for a moment before opening them up again.
"Mercedes, your turn," I nudge her.
"And for god's sake, don't ask anymore baby questions," Santana rolls her eyes and sips more of her milkshake.
"Okay, okay," Mercedes sighs. "Um… Never have I ever… never have I ever kissed another girl."
"Bitch," I mumble under my breath and put my finger down because it feels like such a personal attack! Mercedes starts laughing when I call her a bitch but it's not even funny! She knows like 50% of us here have kissed another girl! Me, Rachel, Santana, Brittany and Sugar all put our fingers down… and all of our heads turn to Sugar.
"You care to elaborate on that one there, Miss Motta?" Mercedes leans forward to look her in the eye.
"My last school was an all girl's school, so I kissed a girl by default," she shrugs and I raise my eyebrows. I never pegged her as the type. Hm. Go Sugar. "Tina, your turn."
"Never have I ever told somebody I loved them without actually meaning it," Tina spits that one out like she's been thinking about it for a while. Me and Rachel are the only two people who don't put our fingers down to that one, aside from Tina. And I feel good about that because it's just further confirmation that she does love me.
"Never have I ever had an orgasm with a boy," Santana goes for the jugular when she takes her turn, but nobody puts their fingers down except for Brittany… which makes Santana turn and give her a look of question.
"What?" Brittany picks her head up. "Artie's actually really good with his mouth."
Santana closes her eyes again as all of us bust into laughter and she thinks I don't notice, but I see Mercedes' finger ease down while we're laughing… which makes my head spin so fast that I feel like The Exorcist.
"Wait a minute!" I grab a pillow and smack her in the head with it. "You lying liar! You lying little liar! You liar! You told me you didn't! You told me that you didn't! I asked you if you did and you looked me in the eye and said you didn't!"
Mercedes laughs and looks down like she's embarrassed. "I didn't! Not the first time! But we've done it more times since and he gets better each time and I have since then!"
"When were you gonna tell me?!" I whack her with the pillow again. "You and Sam just… what? Hit the skins every time you hang out and you just magically had an orgasm one day and didn't think to tell me?! I hate you!"
"I didn't know I had to tell you everything!" She keeps laughing.
"When it's something like your first orgasm, you do! I'm like your sister for crying out loud!"
"Okay, Quinn. Sorry I didn't tell you I had an orgasm. I didn't know it was breaking news."
"Well you guys are all lucky!" Tina says as she pulls her hair up into a long ponytail. "Never have I ever even HAD an orgasm!"
"Oooh," I mumble and watch as everyone except for her puts their fingers down. I watch Rachel from the corner of my eye to make sure she puts her finger down and I'm so relieved when she does. I mean, I knew she did. It sure seemed like she did back at sectionals when she went all crazy for that one moment. At least, I hope she did. I hope I got her there. I think I did. It's just nice to get confirmation. "I'm running out of fingers, guys! Zizes, go!"
"Never have I ever had a crush on Quinn Fabray," she says with all the confidence in the world like she's actually going to get some people — other than Rachel — to put their fingers down and it just seems like she's really going after Rachel and only Rachel because she's clearly the only one who can relate. And I don't know how she knows she'll get Rachel out with a question like that because we do a very good job at keeping our relationship hidden. So I'm really unsure of Zizes' agenda here.
Lauren watches everyone super intently after she asks her question and Rachel is the first one to put one of her fingers down. And I start to think that she's it. I start to think that she's the only one who will put a finger down and then we can move on with our questions and turns, but then something happens.
Santana puts one of her fingers down. And then so Brittany. And not only does Brittany put her finger down, but so does Sugar. But not only does Sugar put her finger down, so does Tina. And then last… but not least and definitely most mind-boggling to me…
Mercedes puts one of her fingers down too.
Did I misunderstand the question? Did I not hear her correctly? She did say that she's never had a crush on Quinn Fabray, right? So then everyone who has had a crush on Quinn Fabray should put their fingers down… right? And it's me… I'm Quinn Fabray, aren't I?
If I could see my face right now, I would be able to see a raised eyebrow and squinted eyes. I would see a jaw that is slightly hung open and confusion scrawled across my forehead with black sharpie marker. Literally… what?
"Huh?" Is the only thing I can muster up and even then, it's more of a grunt than anything. I look around at everyone just one last time, trying to make sure that their fingers actually DID go down.
"Oh don't act like you didn't already know," Lauren shakes her head at me but I really am totally dumbfounded. "Everybody in this room has had the hots for you at some point in their high school career, with the exception of me. I just wiped out 90% of the population with one question."
"I didn't…" I shake my head. "Guys, do you really…? I'm… I'm flattered I guess, but I… I mean did you —"
"I used to look up your skirt every time you were at the top of the pyramid. I liked it when you wore pink panties under your tights," Brittany says that like it's literally no big deal at all which makes me feel… even weirder if that's possible.
"Remember freshman year when we went to our first Cheerios banquet and coach Sylvester made us wear strapless black dresses?" Santana asks.
"...uh-huh?" I want to nod but it's like my head is stuck and I can't.
"Yeah, I totally masturbated to that mental image of you for like three weeks straight," she shrugs.
"I'm…" I can't find the words to say anything I want to say. I don't even know what I want to say!
"And when we were all at Mercedes' getting dressed for the costume party? I almost drooled over your body. I still can't believe you look like that after having a baby." Tina shakes her head like I'm unreal or something.
And I feel unreal right now, like maybe this isn't really happening to me. I pinch myself on the waist to see if maybe I'll wake up. But I don't wake up. And when I look to my left at my best friend, I still see that her finger is down too and I'm really just so fucking confused.
"...Mercedes?"
"Don't look at me like that, it's nothing new," she looks away from me and maybe this is something she had to grapple with so I won't push it too much. "It's not like I like… pined over you or anything. I just thought you were really pretty and I wanted to be just like you, that's all."
"Um…" I clear my throat. And then I look over at Rachel next, just to see if she's going to say anything or look at me and she doesn't. She keeps her knees tucked up into her chest and her chin resting on her kneecaps. I don't know what's wrong with her except maybe the fact that she doesn't like that all these girls were… smitten by me, apparently.
I hope she doesn't think she's in any competition with any of them because I really just find the entire idea a bit bizarre. I guess I just don't really understand how anyone could have a crush on me. Not when I'm so messed up in the head and so mixed up on the outside. How could anyone have a crush on me?
"Well, thank you?" I say, more asking than telling. "Um… Rachel, it's your turn, I think. For… for never have I ever?"
Rachel closes her eyes like she's thinking or maybe she's just upset or maybe the alcohol is really kicking in for her, I don't know. But she closes her eyes and doesn't open them for a few moments. Only when she opens them does she talk.
"Never have I ever willingly cheated on a significant other," she sighs and puts her legs down flat. I wish everybody in this room knew that me and Rachel are a thing, because I really want to reach over and hold her hand. Or possibly kiss her to let her know that I'm hers and only hers if that's why she upset.
Santana, Mercedes and Brittany all put their fingers down and Rachel watches me to see what I'm going to do. And when she finally gets the picture that I'm not going to, she turns her entire body toward me and looks at me with wide, expecting eyes.
"What?" I raise my eyebrow at her and she raises hers back. "Rachel, what?"
"You cheated on me once. Are you really gonna lie to everybody in this room and not put your finger down?" She folds her arms across her chest and I'm a little worried for a moment, but I can tell that she is just being playful with me and I decide to play along.
I think she's trying to ease us both out to the rest of the girls who don't already know. Maybe that's why she was so quiet. Maybe that's why she was so reflective. She was trying to figure out a way for us to come out to them so we don't have to keep hiding our feelings from them tonight.
"Rachel, I have NO idea what you're talking about," I fight off a giggle. "I've never cheated on you."
"Do you really want me to say it?!" She fights off a laugh too and we're both holding each other's gaze, trying not to crack. "Because I'll say it, Quinn. I'll say it. I don't care."
"Say it then! Because I don't know what you're talking about!"
"You went full on third base with Santana!"
"Okay first of all!" I hold my finger up at her and close my eyes so I can't see the way everyone's jaw just dropped around this circle. I'm not looking at Santana, but I know her face is probably super red and I know she's probably upset because I told her I wouldn't tell anyone but I'm almost certain she told Brittany so me telling Rachel kind of evens it out a bit. "That was not cheating on you because we were not together! Second of all —"
"Wait, hell to the no, back up!" Mercedes pushes me against my shoulders. "You did WHAT with Santana?!"
"It doesn't even count! She was drunk and I was high off my ass but what's important is that I have NEVER cheated on Rachel! Never! And it was nothing, it was —"
"I was confused," Santana starts laughing and shaking her head too. "I mean in hindsight we can laugh about it but I was just confused as hell and drunk and Quinn was high and looked hot in her costume and I went for it. Whatever."
"Right! It was just wrong place at the wrong time, but me and Rachel were NEVER together!
We didn't get together — officially — for like another month! It wasn't cheating!"
"You kissed me that same night!" Rachel yells at me and I can't stop laughing because god this really has been a messy road. And it feels good to laugh about it in hindsight because it really didn't affect anything. Nothing came of any of it and I'm glad we can make jokes about it.
"Um, no. YOU kissed ME! You were drunk as HELL, Rachel! Drunk as a freaking skunk and you kissed me!" I point my finger at her and make her laugh.
"So wait…" Lauren holds her hand up. "You two are together? Like you're actually a thing?"
"She's my girlfriend," me and Rachel say in unison, which makes me laugh even harder.
"Can't say I saw that one coming," Lauren mumbles to Sugar and they laugh too.
"You're not about to hold that against me, Rachel Barbra! It was NOT cheating!" I shake my head.
"We were emotionally dating, Lucy Quinn!" she banters back with me.
"WE WERE NOT EVEN CLOSE! I STILL HATED YOU!"
"Okay, but you knew I liked you!"
"Rachel, I didn't even know you were gay! Or bi! Or whatever it is that you identify as!"
"Well neither did I! But then you came along and BOOM!"
"I didn't cheat on you!"
"Okay, fine! Whatever!" She flips her hair over her shoulder and now that the cat is out of the bag, I just really want to kiss her… "I retract my statement about cheating on significant others. Instead, I recant and offer another statement. Never have I ever had an orgasm at the hands of Santana Lopez."
Brittany is the only one who puts her finger down this time and Rachel looks at me super intensely, waiting for mine to go down. But it's not going to because I didn't have one with Santana. It was barely third base and definitely not long enough for me to come even close to orgasming.
"Ohh, Santana!" Mercedes leans forward and looks at her. "Quinn says you didn't do a good job!"
"Are you really gonna say it wasn't good?" Santana eyes me down from across the circle and challenges me. "You gonna sit here with a straight face and say it wasn't good?"
"I didn't say it was bad," I shrug and try so hard to contain my big smile. "But I didn't cum, so."
Oh my god, I can't believe I just said that… I really am letting loose tonight. Must be the alcohol...
"Oh, whatever! You were still moaning and if it didn't get cut short, it definitely would have happened!" Santana rolls her eyes and I pick up my milkshake to take another hearty sip because I need more liquor in me to deal with these girls tonight. They're really keeping me on my toes.
"So Quinn," Mercedes nudges me with her elbow as soon as I pull my milkshake away from my mouth and wipe my lips with the back of my hand. "You think it would've happened if it didn't get cut short?"
"Leave me the hell alone, Mercedes," I shake my head. "I've got one for you. Never have I ever had sex in the bed of a fucking pickup truck, so take that."
"It wasn't the bed of the truck, for your information!" Mercedes yells at me and just when I think our argument is going to stay playful but get a little heated, Tina raises her hand so she can say something.
"Who's better in bed?" She asks, hand still in the air. "Rachel or Santana?"
"Rachel," I just say the first thing that comes to my mind in the most natural way possible and immediately clamp my hand over my mouth, wishing that I hadn't said that! Now everyone knows me and Rachel have had sex! Oh no!
Rachel picks up a pillow and buried her face inside of it and I feel so bad! They weren't supposed to know about that! The sex was supposed to stay private between us! My god! I'm so embarrassed! And so is Rachel, clearly! That was supposed to be private! It slipped! I swear it slipped!
"Rachel, was it good?" Mercedes asks, tone playfully teasing. Rachel keeps her face in the pillow and now I'm curious…
I run my fingers through her hair as her face is still buried in the pillow and lick my lips to lubricate my question. "...Well? Was it? Was it good?"
"You tell me," she mumbles into the pillow.
But neither one of us speak the answer to that question out loud.
Her hair, silky and velvety smooth, cascades all down my thigh as she rests her head in the middle of my lap and I can't stop thinking about how glad I am that she decided to out us to the group. I don't know what's going to come of the two of us being out. I don't know if it's going to change anything or if everything is going to be the same as it's always been, I just know that glad for what we have tonight.
Glad that she can lie down with her head in my lap as we watch the movie intently. Glad that my hand can slip down inside of hers whenever a scary part makes me jump, and I don't have to about glances. Glad that nobody looks at us strange when I use the side of my fork to cut off a fluffy piece of vanilla cake, eat it, then use the same fork to hold a piece to her mouth when I'm done.
I don't think everybody is going to be this accepting of our relationship if and when we decide to come out to the entire school, but I can dream. I dream of a day when we can walk down the hallway hand-in-hand. She'll be in one of her famous Rachel Berry outfits, complete with her little red beret. And I'll be back in my Cheerios uniform with my skirt pleats swinging with every step. We'll be holding hands and I'll be walking her to class, sneaking a kiss on her cheek when he have to part ways. I dream of a day when everything will be calm. And me and Rachel can just float on through the school as ourselves. I know it's wishful thinking for a place like McKinley High School, but still. I have that dream.
I stab the last piece of cake on our plate with the fork and scrape up the icing since I know the icing is her favorite part. The cake is good and in all honesty, I could have devoured the entire sheet of it by myself and happily thrown it all up later, but I'm working towards progress. Even tonight. So I scrape up the icing and let her have the final bite.
She chews it with her head still lying in my lap, and I drop the empty plate to the floor. At first, I thought that getting three blow-up mattresses and pushing them all together for us to sleep on was a really good idea and a good way to make sure we were all comfortable, but after three of Santana's spiked milkshakes and two shots of straight vodka, I'm starting to feel like it was a bad idea. Granted, the room isn't spinning as fast as it was a couple hours ago, but Tina almost broke her ankle standing on a stool and fixing the projector, and the lights being off while we watch the movie makes it feel like the air mattress is wobbling, and I'm pretty sure I might fall off the bed sometime tonight.
I let Sugar and Lauren pick the movie because everyone wanted to watch something scary and I'm not that big of a scary movie fan to know what to pick. They chose some ghost movie about a family who moves into a haunted house and if I wasn't so tipsy, I would probably be really into it and really afraid of it. Rachel seems really into it. She's been laying in the same position on my lap since it started, and the only time she budged was when I pulled the blankets over her a little white ago. Lauren and Sugar seem really into it, too. They're both lying beside each other on their stomachs with their feet in the air, and to me and Rachel's left, Tina and Mercedes haven't made a beep either. The only person who isn't paying attention, aside from me is Santana and since she and Brittany are lying to the right of us, I can see everything. Including the way Santana won't stop looking at Brittany.
I stretch out and reach over the side of the bed so I can grab my phone.
Text Message
Saturday, November 9
1:54 a.m.
ME: stop eyefucking brit and make a move already.
ME: coward.
As soon as I press "send," Santana's phone lights up on the bed beside her and she picks it up. From the way the light shines on her face, I can see that she's smiling at my text and her thumbs are poking at the screen fast, but slow enough that I notice the alcohol is probably taking over.
Text Message
Saturday, November 9
1:55 a.m.
SANTANA: Rach is so far between ur legs that she should b eating u out already
SANTANA: Why dont u make a move urself lol
ME: i'm not the one stealing glances. that's you. and i'm not the one afraid to make a move. that's you.
SANTANA: So do it then
SANTANA: If ur so brave
ME: i am lol.
ME: i'll do it if you do it tho.
ME: nobody's paying attention anyway.
SANTANA: Ok deal I'll do it if u do it
ME: watch and learn.
SANTANA: Ok. Show me what NOT 2 do
Maybe it's the liquor in my system or maybe I really am starting to come into my own and care less about what people think of me and what the world is going to say, I'm not sure which one. But I know it's something, because when me and Santana both put our phones back down, I don't hesitate for a single second.
I go right to work by moving the blanket up so that it's covering Rachel from the waist down because even though I did get the courage to do this from a dare with Santana, I still want to respect her and keep her privacy completely hidden. So once she is completely covered her, I slide my arm inside the blanket too, and the fact that she is laying with her knees pulled into her chest in the fetal position is going to make this SO easy.
I glance over to see if I can tell how far Santana's gotten so far and I can't really tell. All I can see is movement under her and Brittany's blanket, but I can't tell anything further than that.
Even though I want to just dive right in and go straight into it, I know that I have to ease her into it because she's probably not expecting it and it's really important for me that I give her the opportunity to reject me or stop me if I touch her in any way that she doesn't want me to touch her. So I mind my manners by just resting my hand on her hip, just above her butt. My thumb absentmindedly strokes the waistband of her pajama pants and she doesn't say anything or make any movements to tell me to stop, so I take it just one step further by opening up the waist of her pants and sliding my hand inside. Her underwear are tight, they're that smooth nylon fabric, but I stroke my fingertips along the lace trim and pull them down just enough for me to get my hand inside.
I forgot how soft her skin is and how warm it feels underneath my fingertips. I glide them up her hip, then back down hip. Across her waist, down to the curves of her butt. My fingers leave a trail all across her backside in slow, circular motions. I want to be gentle with her, I want to take my time. But god, I can't resist her and my hand has a mind of its own as I cup her butt and squeeze. She shifts beneath my grasp, probably just because I caught her off guard. And I don't know if she's ready or if she's expecting it or if she's even wet yet, but I can't help it. I've been slow and gentle long enough. I want to do what I came inside her pants to do.
So without even really thinking, I move my hand a little deeper and curve my forearm around her butt so I can reach up to the front with the two most important fingers. Still laying in my lap, her eyes slowly close and she parts her legs for me a little, but enough for me to do what I need to do.
Her underwear are so tight, they trap me in and hold my hand in place. Between her legs is hotter than the rest of her body, burning with anticipation. The tip of my middle finger grazes a layer of her slimy, wet goodness and it's nothing like the first time I did it to her. I'm not nervous at all, I'm eager. My heart is pounding in my chest and all through my fingertips and I start with one first. One finger — the middle one — digging inside her body and she adjusts to me. It's like she remembers me, and maybe missed me a bit. It's almost like a key, designed especially to fit inside the lock and once I'm inside, everything just falls into place.
I can't lie her down and taste her the way my mouth is watering and longing to, but I need to. I need to taste her in the worst possible way, so I pull my hand out of the layers and bring it — bring her — up to my mouth. And my ring finger is going in next, so I might as well get it all wet and ready, so I lick them both and go right back to where I was in the first place.
She's exactly the same as I remembered; that sticky sweet taste. I lick it off my lips as my fingers dig into her even deeper, and her mouth hangs open. My fingers curl inside of her and jerks all of a sudden, but catches herself before it's too noticeable. Only I can hear her breathing, shallow and interrupted. Her legs squeeze and close around my hand and she's going to moan. I can feel it building up inside of her, hear it starting from deep in the pit of her stomach. She squeezes my knee and maybe I should go pull my fingers out and give her a moment to pull herself together since we have to be quiet, but I can't. I can't stop myself, I won't stop myself. Not until I feel her all wet, all in the palm of my hand.
Her fingernails dig into my knee, and she scratches. Scratches at my knee, my leg, my arm the bed, anything she can get her hands on. And it drives me crazy, seeing her do that. It drives me the kind of crazy that makes me want to do nothing but go faster and faster. My heart is thumping in my ears now, and I move my fingers in that "come here" motion that she loves so much, faster and faster, until my rhythm matches the pace that my heart is beating.
She buries her face in my leg to stifle a low, satisfies groan as I feel her tighten around my fingers. I feel her mouth open against my calf, then the light pressure of her teeth as she bites me. Even from underneath the blanket, I can see her toes curling under and her legs get stiff for several seconds. And she's exactly like I wanted her to me, wet and all over my hand. And I don't want to leave her. I want to stay inside of her until my fingers get pruny and my hand loses feeling.
But I have some bragging to do, so I lean forward and kiss her on the cheek before pulling out of all those layers again.
I could probably use a towel to dry myself off because she really did get super wet, but I settle for wiping my hand on my pajama pants so I can grab my phone. And maybe with anyone else, it would gross me out to know that I have someone's bodily fluids on my pants and all over myself until I wash my hands in a minute, but it's just Rachel. Nothing about her grosses me out. I think everything about her — every single part — is something beautiful that I should cherish.
Text Message
Saturday, November 9
2:20 a.m.
ME: i win :)
Santana reaches her hand from underneath her and Brittany's blanket and grabs her phone when it lights up. She grins at my text again and types back.
Text Message
Saturday, November 9
2:21 a.m.
SANTANA: Y do u get to win?
ME: because i made her get there in 5 minutes flat :)
ME: bow down bitch.
SANTANA: So cute u r
ME: yeah yeah i see you still working on getting brit there so i'll let you go :) i win tho :) i got her to orgasm quicker :D :D
SANTANA: U fool Brit already came …
SANTANA: Twice
SANTANA: U have a lot 2 learn young grasshopper
This could be my new normal and I would be totally okay with that.
It could be all of us hanging out every Friday night like this. And it could be easy with me and Rachel just being out and our true selves with no judgment. And I'm happy. I'm genuinely happy tonight. I'm happy to sing and dance with my friends. I'm happy to gorge myself on party food and birthday cake. I'm happy to laugh. I'm happy to do sexual things with my girlfriend. I'm happy to lie here awake at four in the morning when everyone else around me is asleep and just think about all the ways that my life seems to be looking up as of late.
I feel hopeful, which is something that is different. And I want to go to sleep because I'm tired and I have to go to therapy today and I'm watching Beth, but I can't sleep. I can't sleep. Not whenever I'm too excited about the way things are looking up.
I'm too excited to sleep, but I roll over and try to go anyway because I need to. I have a long day ahead of me and I need some rest. I roll over onto the side I'm most comfortable on, and close my eyes. But as soon as I do, my phone lights up and I grab it super quick because it's any excuse to not fall asleep yet.
New iMessage
Saturday, November 9
4:13 a.m.
RACHEL: Still up?
4:13 a.m.
ME: yeah.
RACHEL: You take your medicine? The night pill?
ME: yes.
RACHEL: Okay just checking. Love you and goodnight.
ME: i can't sleep…
RACHEL: Me either but I can't sleep because I'm not comfortable. I'm sticky and sweaty from dancing earlier and my underwear are still wet :b
ME: sorry. i should have taken them off or something.
ME: scoot over i'll hold you until you fall asleep.
RACHEL: I need to take a shower first but I'll brb to cuddle when I'm done.
ME: ok i'll wait up for you.
RACHEL: You're welcome to join my shower if you want.
RACHEL: :b
ME: lmfao ok.
ME: hurry up i miss you already.
She puts her phone down and rolls off the air mattress, careful not to wake anyone else up. I watch as she tiptoes to the bathroom door and opens it, turning the light on. And the last thing I see before she closes it is how she steps out of her pants. I don't think she's serious when she tells me that I can join her for her shower. I'm not sure if she is, but I don't really think she is.
But on the off chance that she is serious…
I get off the air mattress too, and take her up on her offer.