Chapter 55.
Dean watched Cas talking to Jules and he smiled. They seemed relaxed and happy and Jules was smiling as she explained how the speakers were arranged. After a while, Cas saw him, said something to Jules and then came over.
"How are you, Dean?" he said.
Dean smiled. "I'm good. You?"
"Sam got us two fiddles. Sarah will be very happy."
"Can anyone even play?" said Dean.
"Yes. Paul and Greg, according to Jack." said Cas. He seemed uneasy. He was looking at Dean too much in short glances, not his long, unsettling stare.
"Is something wrong?" said Dean, starting to wonder whether he had really picked up distress earlier.
Cas seemed to snap out of it. "No. Sorry. I just can't stop thinking about that fear you had. I know you don't want to talk about it, but at least tell me how bad it is."
Dean glanced at Jules, then back at Cas. "We can't talk here. Not about this. Let's go outside."
Outside the bunker, they walked a little way down the road. "Are you going to tell me what you're afraid of?" said Cas.
"Will telling you that it's under control help?" said Dean.
"Is that true?"
"Yeah. I talked to Sarah. Cas, I'm okay. I'm mostly okay and the things that aren't okay, I'm working on."
"What happened to make you talk to Sarah?" said Cas.
Dean wished it hadn't been quite so obvious to Cas that he would not talk to Sarah unless something dramatic had happened. "Sarah happened." he said, "That woman never gives up."
"I'm glad she doesn't." said Cas.
"Yeah, so am I, I think." said Dean, "Maybe it's time to reconsider my attitude towards healing. It's always felt like a luxury I can't afford but now, maybe, I'm starting to see it as a thing I can't afford to ignore."
"You're serious." said Cas in surprise.
Dean nodded awkwardly. It was as much a surprise to him. He had hoped to reassure Cas, not to make huge, life-changing decisions. But then, he needed to be sane. He needed to be functioning. He needed to be strong enough to help Cas. He needed not to be imagining things that, if mentioned, could destroy Cas's peace of mind.
"I need," he said, "To take back control of my life. Repression, sublimation and denial have their limitations after all."
Cas smiled. "No other birthday present required. You just gave me what I most wanted."
"Tough. I have your present already." said Dean, "Look, even if I can heal, it's not gonna be overnight."
"No, it's not." said Cas, "But I'll be here to help."
"Good. When we stand together, nothing can defeat us."
"You noticed that too, huh?" said Cas.
"It took me a while."
"You're only human." said Cas.
Dean pushed him, shoving his shoulder.
Cas grabbed Dean's arm and pushed him aside. There was just a hint of the force available there.
Dean tried to trip Cas with a leg sweep, but Cas evaded it with balletic grace.
They walked on, each trying to get the other to stumble. Cas tried to knock Dean into a patch of mud, but Dean neatly side-stepped it. As he returned to the road, Cas threw a small stone at him. It bounced harmlessly from his shoulder.
"You're gonna wish you hadn't done that." he said with a grin.
Cas smiled. He looked at a large stick by the roadside.
"Yeah, pick it up if you dare." said Dean.
"Angel." said Cas, going over to pick up the stick.
Dean threw his full weight at his bending opponent. Cas didn't even stagger.
"Angel." he said again.
Dean was about to attack again, but his eyes met Castiel's as he straightened up, wielding the stick and he laughed.
Cas threw the stick onto the grass.
"Not a word of this to Sam." said Dean, "He already knows I'm insane. It was fun, though."
"It was." said Cas. He was silent for a moment and then he said, "I've been worried about you."
"Yeah, I've been worried about both of us. I'm not gonna use the word we both hate. We both know it's a lie. All I can say is that things will change. They have to. And I plan to dance tomorrow, once, anyway."
"Why?"
"What, you're against the idea now?"
"No, I just wonder how you went from, 'Not gonna happen.' to 'I plan to dance.' I also wonder how far that translates to, 'I plan to live.'"
"I don't get a choice. Winchesters don't take the easy way out."
"There's a lot more to life than breathing." said Cas.
"Sarah thinks there's a way back from all the ... "
"Yes, but do you?"
"I don't know." Dean admitted, "But when a ninety year old who's lost everyone she ever loved tells me life and joy are still worth fighting for, well, maybe it's worth a shot. Besides, I think you need me to try."
"You're still doing it all for me?" said Cas.
"I need you to be okay." said Dean, "And you need the same for me. So maybe we can do this for each other, until we find the courage to believe in ourselves again."
"Sounds good to me, but I need you to believe in yourself too."
"I'm working on it." said Dean.
"I know you are, Dean. Thanks."