Merry Christmas, to all! Here's your present!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.
...
"Well, that was certainly… A thing," Dogranio observed as Taiga desperately started checking Jiro's condition.
"Seriously, where did all those other animal monsters based on historical dictators come from?" Asked the bewildered Z.
"I have no idea," replied Abrella, equally baffled.
"A better question is, do we really want to know?" Dogranio pointed out. They all considered this for a moment and decided, ultimately, they probably didn't.
Evolt laughed. "And here people thought some of the Fullbottle Best Matches were weird. Never did figure out how you're supposed to kill a ninja with a comic…"
"Give him lots of paper cuts?" Abrella suggested. "If the ninja in question has a hemophiliac disorder, they may bleed out if given enough paper cuts. I once hired – – I mean, I once heard of an assassin specializing in paper weapons who sometimes killed targets that way."
"That so?" Dogranio asked, impressed. "I'll have to look into that sometime."
"What if the person you're trying to kill doesn't have a hemophiliac disorder?" Z asked. "Also, what's a hemophiliac disorder?"
"Basically, it's a condition that means your blood doesn't clot," Evolt explained. Z stared at him blankly. "So if you start bleeding, it doesn't stop on its own, and you can be bled dry if you don't get proper care in time?"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhh."
"There's plenty of drugs and poisons that can thin a target's blood to simulate a hemophiliac disorder," Dogranio informed the Emperor. "I'm assuming that this paper assassin often made sure to slip his victims one of those before killing them?"
Abrella nodded. "That was one of his MOs, yes."
"And would you happen to have been the one who supplied him with those drugs?" Evolt speculated.
"Seeing as how I have never been accused of any involvement in his murders, I shall say nothing that might potentially incriminate myself," Abrella declared haughtily. "After all, I am a legitimate businessman now. I do not wish to jeopardize that."
"Then why do you keep saying things that are more or less confirming that you are, in fact, still a criminal and are offering rather implausible denials of that reality?" Evolt asked.
"Because it amuses me."
"Fair enough."
"So, who's next?" Z asked.
"Assuming none of us feel like checking in on any of the heroes we've already observed before, that leaves us with… Kamen Rider Brave, who is fighting Spider Great Leader, or Kamen Riders Build and Ex-Aid, who are fighting Kuroto Dan," Abrella suggested.
"That's Transcendent Legendary Magnificent True Perfect Mega Ultimate Maximum Future Wonderful Miracle Beautiful Genius Mastermind Brain Final Hyper Grand Master Super-De-Duper Great Dream Neo-Shin Real Kuroking Dan Supreme GOD Plus Ultra Beyond Eternal Exceed Infinity Truly Final Xtreme!" Transcendent Legendary Magnificent True Perfect Mega Ultimate Maximum Future Wonderful Miracle Beautiful Genius Mastermind Brain Final Hyper Grand Master Super-De-Duper Great Dream Neo-Shin Real Kuroking Dan Supreme GOD Plus Ultra Beyond Eternal Exceed Infinity Truly Final Xtreme shouted.
"WE DON'T CARE!" The foursome shouted, as did Sento and Emu, just before the former blasted Transcendent Legendary Magnificent True Perfect Mega Ultimate Maximum Future Wonderful Miracle Beautiful Genius Mastermind Brain Final Hyper Grand Master Super-De-Duper Great Dream Neo-Shin Real Kuroking Dan Supreme GOD Plus Ultra Beyond Eternal Exceed Infinity Truly Final Xtreme in the chest with his Fullbottle Buster, sending him flying back towards Emu, who slashed him with the Gashacon Keyslasher as he went past, sparks and invectives flying from the villainous Rider.
"Let's save Kuroto Dan for last," Dogranio suggested, ignoring Transcendent Legendary Magnificent True Perfect Mega Ultimate Maximum Future Wonderful Miracle Beautiful Genius Mastermind Brain Final Hyper Grand Master Super-De-Duper Great Dream Neo-Shin Real Kuroking Dan Supreme GOD Plus Ultra Beyond Eternal Exceed Infinity Truly Final Xtreme's screams of irritation at the continued refusal to call him by his given name. "Since he is the self-proclaimed final boss, it's only fitting."
"Makes sense," Evolt agreed.
"Brave it is, then," Abrella concurred, changing the camera's focus to zoom in on a different portion of the battlefield, where the majority of the remaining Shocker Combatmen were locked in battle against what appeared to be an army of Bugster Viruses wearing Kurokage armor.
In the middle of the clashing armies were Spider Great Leader and Hiiro in his level 1000 form, sparks flying and explosions erupting all over the place as they clashed blades again and again. "I can see you have grown stronger since the last time we encountered one another," Spider Great Leader commented, feinting a strike with his right blade while lashing out at Hiiro's side with his left.
Hiiro saw through the feint, catching the blow on his cape, sparks flying as the blade ricocheted off the surprisingly strong fabric, and retaliated with a powerful slash Spider Great Leader was barely able to counter. "You, on the other hand, have not," he observed dismissively.
"On the contrary… Before, I couldn't do this!" Spider Great Leader retorted, opening his mouth and spitting webbing into Hiiro's face. The Rider grunted in surprise as the webs covered his vision, his guard dropping slightly and allowing Spider Great Leader to knock Hiiro's sword aside and lay into his chest with repeated swipes from his blades.
Suddenly, Hiiro's wings spread, his armor emanating a blinding golden light, causing Spider Great Leader to cry out and stagger back, covering his eyes. As the webbing disintegrated, Hiiro stretched out a hand to the side, his sword flying back into his grasp and immediately launching into a chop that would have cleaved Spider Great Leader in two if the monster hadn't managed to stagger to the side just in time, the blade cutting off his right arm instead. The arm fell, sword clattering onto the ground next to it. "Aggghhh… Curse you, Kamen Rider!"
Hiiro thrust his blade forward, freezing only a millimeter from Spider Great Leader's throat. The monster froze. "You have been disarmed. The disparity between our levels is far too vast for you to stand a chance. Yield, and I will allow you to leave with your life. This is not your battle, and I am not your fated opponent."
Spider Great Leader snarled. "Yield?! To a Kamen Rider?!" He spat more webbing at Hiiro. The Rider was anticipating it this time and shielded his face with a wing, but Spider Great Leader took advantage of the split second Hiiro's vision was blinded and knocked away the Rider's sword with his remaining blade, lunging into a series of ferocious thrusts and slashes. "My father would never forgive me if I were to run from a Rider, even if he weren't Takeshi Hongo! Against your kind, it is only victory or death! There can be no other options!"
Hiiro deflected and parried Spider Great Leader's frenzied attacks, then slipped sideways and dashed past, swinging his blade in a mighty cut as he went past, chopping off Spider Great Leader's other arm. "Then die, as you did before."
Spider Great Leader looked down as his other limb fell to the ground and burst into laughter. "You believe this is enough to stop me?"
"Unless you're about to claim that that was a flesh wound and try kicking me, I rather think it is," Hiiro pointed out.
Spider Great Leader cackled. "Incorrect!" His torso convulsed, and suddenly a second pair of arms erupted from his stumps, more monstrous and covered in spikes and chitin. He tossed off his cloak, and two more sets of appendages grew out of his back, segmented and resembling those of a spider, their tips resembling swords. "There is a reason I am called Spider Great Leader!"
"So I see," Hiiro observed as Spider Great Leader reached down and picked up his discarded swords, his extra appendages twitching and swiping through the air. "Come at me, then."
Spider Great Leader did. Howling, the monster lunged at Hiiro, lashing out with all six blades at once, forcing Hiiro to step up his game to try and block, counter, and parry as many of the blows as he could, even using his wings as prehensile shields and secondary weapons. Even so, more than a few strikes made it through, sparks flying off his golden armor. His strength and ferocity have increased exponentially, Hiiro noted, being forced to put considerable effort into defending himself. It's more than just a power boost, though. It's almost as if…
"When you talked about your father never forgiving you… His opinion means a great deal to you, doesn't it?" Hiiro realized, emitting another blinding flash of light.
Unfortunately, Spider Great Leader had anticipated this and covered his own face with webs to protect his eyes from the light, fighting on instinct. "Of course it does! He is more than my own Great Leader, but my progenitor! He and my mother Ambassador Hell-"
And isn't that an odd thought, Hiiro contemplated.
"Didn't merely create me as a weapon to defeat the Kamen Riders, but as an heir to the throne of Shocker!" Spider Great Leader continued, his six limbs a whirling storm of blades. "And yet, despite my best efforts, I've yet to kill a single Kamen Rider! Despite my pedigree, I am little better than a standard kaijin in that regard! Even if you are not our hated nemesis Hongo, I must still vanquish you to prove my worth to my parents and that they were justified in creating me, that I am indeed fit to inherit my father's title as the premier archenemy of all Kamen Riders!"
"You believe that they will eventually abandon you if you continue to fail?" Hiiro speculated.
"How can they not? They are my parents, but they are still among the greatest evils this world has ever seen!" Spider Great Leader snarled, spitting some webbing at Hiiro. The Rider shielded himself with his wings, and Spider Great Leader immediately went on the assault, pushing Hiiro back. "You know that failure can only be tolerated for so long among our kind! But it is not my death at their hands that I fear, so much as their disappointment that all the resources they poured into making me are for nothing!"
With a roar, he unleashed a blast of dark webs which flung the startled Hiiro away, enveloping his armor. "You Riders are not the only ones who have people they fight for!"
Hiiro grunted as he struggled against his bonds. "So I can see. It is unfortunate for you that your parents do not return those feelings of love."
Spider Great Leader did a double-take. "EXCUSE me?!"
"A parent whose love for their child is conditional on their success or failure can hardly be called a parent at all," Hiiro said scornfully. "While I am often embarrassed by my father, I have never doubted his love for me. I have every confidence that no matter what field I chose to focus my skills in he would've been proud of me, even if I were to turn my back on medicine and become a cashier at some fast food restaurant." He flexed his muscles and wings, and in a flash of golden light he burst free from his webs, rising into the air. "But if you are certain that your parents will only love you if you succeed in defeating a Kamen Rider… Then for you, I have nothing but pity, for you will never truly be able to understand the love of a parent."
Spider Great Leader trembled in rage… More than a little doubt flickering across his face. "I… You… You know… That's not…"
"FOOL! You know nothing!"
Without warning, a great red Shocker insignia formed in the air, and a tremendous blast of crimson lightning shot downwards and struck Hiiro, the Rider crying out in agony as the energy coursed through him, his wings dissolving and his cape bursting into flame as he tumbled from the air, striking the ground hard enough to crack it. He tried to get back to his feet, only for more blasts of lightning to rain down, an anguished scream ripping from his throat with each successive blow.
Gawking in disbelief, Spider Great Leader turned to see a Shocker Combatman standing nearby, arm outstretched… And the eyes on the emblem on his belt glowing red. "F-Father?!"
"My son!" The Great Leader of Shocker barked. "Is what you said true? Do you really think that I shall eventually discard you if you fail to meet my expectations?"
"I… How could I not, father?" Spider Great Leader lamented. "You are the Great Leader of Shocker, the first and foremost villain in the Kamen Rider rogues gallery! I am but a pale imitation of your glory, forever trapped in your shadow. How could I not fear that one day you would decide I am unworthy of being your heir and do away with me?"
"IMBECILE!" The Great Leader roared, livid, causing Spider Great leader to flinch back. "No, not you, my son, but myself!"
Spider Great Leader gave his father – – or rather, the belt he was speaking through – – a confused look. "Father?"
"You think yourself unworthy because you have failed to slay a Kamen Rider? My son, I have been failing at that for decades! Despite my best efforts, despite my pedigree as the number one Kamen Rider villain, I have yet to conquer the world!" The Great Leader declared. "But have my minions abandoned me for my repeated failures? Has your mother? No! They believe in me, and so I keep on trying… Just as they believe in you, and so you must keep on trying!"
"Father, I… I don't understand," Spider Great leader stammered, bewildered.
"Must I spell it out? I love you, my son! As much as a being as myself can love anyone! So too does your mother!" Great Leader roared.
"He's right, sweetums, we love you very much!" Ambassador Hell's voice spoke through the belt.
"Get off the line, Ambassador Hell!" Great Leader snapped.
"Sorry honey, I just thought he should know that if he wins, I was planning to bake his favorite meal for dinner-" Ambassador Hell began.
"M-Mother! Not in front of the Rider!" Spider Great Leader cried, flustered and embarrassed.
"Oh great, now see what you've done? You're embarrassing the boy and ruining my heartfelt speech!" An exasperated Great Leader cried.
"Oh, sorry. I'll be quiet. I just want to let you know that I love you and am very proud of you, son! Mwah!"
"WILL YOU…ugh, sometimes I wonder why I married that man…" Great Leader groaned.
"My back rubs?" Ambassador Hell suggested.
"That's part of it," Great Leader conceded. "Anyway… Where was I? Oh great, I've lost my place…uh, let's see… I think I was going to say… Right, your mother and I love you very much and are proud of you no matter what, it doesn't matter to us whether or not you kill a Kamen Rider so long as you do your best, and there's nothing that could ever change how we feel about you. Well… Except, maybe, I dunno, if you decided to turn good for some reason…"
"Honey!"
"Oh come on, we have to draw the line somewhere!" Great Leader protested.
"Dear…"
"Oh, fine!" Great Leader snapped. "Even if you decided to turn good for some reason! But we would be very upset about it!"
"You need not worry about that, father," Spider Great Leader told his parents gratefully. "I have never wanted anything but to make you proud of me and to be a successful villain. Knowing that I already have half of that makes me happier than I ever thought possible. I love you both so much."
"We love you too, sweetie!" Ambassador Hell said as Great Leader sniffed loudly.
The four observers stared. "… Well, this took a rather surprising turn for the domestic," said a rather befuddled Z.
"When did this turn into a soap opera?!" Dogranio cried. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I love my soaps. But still!"
"At least it doesn't seem to be hurting our ratings any," Abrella commented, checking his tablet.
Evolt sniffed. "Why can't Banjo and I have a relationship like that?" He lamented.
"BECAUSE YOU SLEPT WITH AND MURDERED MY PARENTS, ARRANGED FOR THE DEATH OF MY FIANCÉ, ORCHESTRATED A WAR, TRIED TO KILL ME AND EVERYONE I CARE ABOUT NUMEROUS TIMES, POSSESSED ME, POSSESSED SENTO, KILLED GENTOKU, AND TRIED TO EAT THE PLANET!" Ryuga shouted.
"Oh come on, you can't hold that against me forever!" Evolt protested.
"WATCH ME!"
"He really hates you, huh?" Z observed as Evolt huffed and folded his arms across his chest.
"I don't see what the big deal is," Evolt groused. "That was years ago, and besides, it's not like most of those people STAYED dead! What's he still holding a grudge for?"
"So if you were to discover your planet and species were still alive, you'd forgive your brother?" Abrella asked mildly.
Evolt hesitated. "… Oh. Huh. That…hmm. So that's what that feels like…" He muttered to himself, nonplussed.
"Now go, my son! Take your next step down the path to greatness and strike down that Kamen Rider!" Great Leader declared.
"With pleasure, father!" Spider Great Leader cried, advancing towards Hiiro, extra legs slashing through the air…
When suddenly the Tridoron slammed into Spider Great Leader, sending him flying. "WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Ambassador Hell gasped in horror. "No! My sweet baby child!"
"SON!" Great Leader cried, losing his focus and causing the bombardment of energy to cease.
Hiiro collapsed to the ground, taking several deep breaths. "That… That was rather unpleasant…"
"Who… Who dares?!" Spider Great Leader snarled in rage as he staggered to his feet.
The Tridoron's side door flew open, and Brain leapt out triumphantly. "I dare! Your greatest rival, Brain, the Kamen Rider!"
Spider Great Leader stared at him in bewilderment. "… Who?"
"Brain, we keep telling you, that was just a dream!" Said an exasperated Heart as he, Chase, Shinnosuke, and Go all clambered out of the car.
"It was real to me!" Brain whined. "And besides, Medic disappeared several minutes ago! It must've been his doing!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," the confused Spider Great Leader protested.
"Brain, Medic disappeared because she was summoned away by Poppy to try and treat Satsuki's wounds inflicted by Count Dracula," Mr. Belt told Brain wearily.
Brain blinked. "She was?"
"Yes! She called us to tell us as much! Weren't you listening?" Go demanded.
"I… Guess I wasn't," Brain admitted sheepishly. "I was too busy psyching myself up for my fated showdown with my rival, Spider Great Leader." His friends groaned.
"No, seriously, who are you?!" Spider Great Leader demanded.
"Well, I did not see that coming," Abrella remarked.
"Oh yeah, forgot about them," Dogranio recalled. "And that Brain guy's strange fixation on Spider Great Leader. What's up with that, anyway?"
"During the process of being rebuilt after his death, his digital consciousness had a dream in which he was reborn as a Kamen Rider to fight the forces of an evil organization called Mu, whose foremost enforcer was Spider Great Leader," Abrella explained. "Despite all evidence to the contrary, he is still convinced it somehow happened."
"So… Androids can dream?" Z asked, surprised.
"Depends on the android," Evolt told him.
"Thank you for the assist, Tomari," Hiiro thanked Shinnosuke as he came over.
"Actually, we didn't see you there, Mr. Belt really wanted to run over that guy and Brain kept egging him on," Shinnosuke informed him apologetically.
"I think I have a problem," Mr. Belt confessed, rather chastened.
"I still don't see why YOU got to hit him, not me," Brain complained.
"First of all, it's my car," Shinnosuke pointed out. "Second, you don't have a driver's license."
"I'm an extremely advanced synthetic life form! I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I can drive a vehicle!" Brain complained.
"Brain, every time you get behind the wheel, you crash whatever you're driving," Heart pointed out.
"LIES!"
"I don't care if it's one Rider or six, I'll take you all on!" Spider Great Leader bellowed.
"And you will not have to do so alone, my liege!"
Everyone looked up to a nearby ridge to see a white tentacled monster resembling some sort of alien squid, a gold-furred werewolf, and a grotesque fusion of leech and chameleon. "We, the three generals of Shocker, shall assist you!"
"Oh great, these guys…" Go groaned.
"Hold them off, my comrades! I shall defeat Spider Great Leader myself!" Brain declared.
"We could do that," Chase said. "Or we could just use Heavy Acceleration and kill them while they're all vulnerable."
"Should we? That feels a little unsporting," Heart complained.
"It won't work!" Great Leader crowed. "My minions are now immune to Heavy Acceleration!"
"That's oddly convenient," Mr. Belt noted.
"I suppose we'll have to do this the hard way, then," Hiiro suggested.
"Yes!" Heart cried joyfully.
"Ready to break some skulls, partner?" Go asked Chase.
Chase brandished his ax. "Always."
"Let's make this quick," Shinnosuke said, drawing his Handle-Ken. "It's Eiji's birthday party tonight, and I can't miss it."
"Start your engines!" Mr. Belt enthused.
"KILL THEM ALL!" Great Leader and Spider Great Leader yelled at the same time, the four Shocker generals charging at the six Riders.
"Behold my mastery of magic, Riders!" Space Ikadevil declared, mystical portals opening in the air which he extended tentacles into, more portals opening around Go and Chase as the tendrils lashed out at them.
The two Riders quickly stood back-to-back, Go blasting at the incoming tentacles with his Zenrin Shooter while Chase cut down any tentacles that came at him with his Shingo Axe. "Wait, magic? I thought you were an alien or something," said the confused Go.
"What, aliens can't use magic?" Space Ikadevil scoffed.
"Well, I mean, I guess they can, it just seems like a weird blending of genres?" Go stammered uncertainly.
"Wow, look at this guy!" Space Ikadevil jeered. "'Weird blending of genres?' Don't be a fucking racist, Rider!"
"I'm not racist!" Go protested.
"I don't know, you despised androids for the longest time," Chase pointed out.
"That's because they were evil!" Go argued.
"I wasn't."
"You were for a while!"
"You still hated me even after I became good again, though."
"That's… Look, I brought you guys back, didn't I?!" Go pointed out, frustrated. "Can we just talk about this later?!"
"That's what you always say," Chase complained. "Just like you keep changing the subject whenever I ask if you befriended officer Kano because he looked like me-"
"No, you look like him! You based your appearance off of him, remember? And seriously, what were you thinking, basing yourself off of someone from the same police department you were trying to take down-"
"OH MY SPACE GOD, SHUT UP ALREADY!" Space Ikadevil screamed, generating more portals and thrusting dozens of tentacles through them, the tendrils reappearing and wrapping themselves around the Riders, binding them tight.
Despite their predicament and the very tight constriction, all Go could say was, "Space God? Really?"
"My name is Space Ikadevil! I was originally a member of Space Shocker!" Space Ikadevil shouted. "I'm kind of required to say stuff like that!"
"Yes, that makes sense," Chase agreed.
"No it doesn't! Don't agree with him!" Go shouted. "Great, looks like it's up to me to save us."
It was difficult due to his restrictions, but Go managed to slip a Signal Bike into his Mach Driver Honoh.
*M*SIGNAL BIKE! SIGNAL CHANGE: TURN!*M*
The wheel on his shoulder changed to have a turn sign on it, and Go pressed the Boost Igniter button on his Driver several times before shooting his blaster, firing several energy bullets which arced through the air, slicing through the tentacles holding the two Riders in place before shooting through the portals they originated from and striking Space Ikadevil, sparks flying as he howled in pain.
"Bet you didn't think we'd use your own magic against you, did you?" Go bragged.
"So now we are the ones blending genres?" Chase asked in confusion.
"… Shut up, Chase," Go growled, ejecting his Signal Bike and slotting a new one in.
*M*SIGNAL BIKE! SIGNAL CHANGE: STOP!*M*
This symbol on his shoulder tire turned into a stop sign and Go fired his blaster, a giant stop sign materializing and passing over Space Ikadevil, paralyzing him. "What… Is… Happening…" He groaned.
"What, they don't have space stop signs in space?" Go taunted him.
"I find that… Very… Offensive…" Space Ikadevil growled.
"Go, stop being racist," Chase chided him.
"What? But I… I wasn't…" Go spluttered. "Oh, just finish him off, will you?"
"Very well." Chase charged towards the paralyzed Space Ikadevil, raising his ax as he inserted a Signal Bike into it.
*C*HISSATSU!*C*
He swung his ax at Space Ikadevil…
*C*WAIT!*C*
And stopped in place as the red panel on his ax lit up, the weapon beeping. "What… what are you… Doing?" Space Ikadevil asked, bewildered.
"What, you don't have space traffic crossings in space?" Go jeered.
"Will you stop that?! You're not from space, so you're not allowed to say things like that!" Space Ikadevil snapped.
"Technically, aren't all of us from space?" Chase pondered. "After all, Earth is but one of many planets in the cosmos, and-"
The green panel on his ax lit up.
*C*GO FOR IT!*C*
"ACROSS BREAKER!" Chase roared, obeying the ax as he swung it through the air, black and white tracks resembling a crosswalk appearing just before his swing as he cleaved his ax through Space Ikadevil's body. The squid monster wailed in agony and exploded.
"Good job, partner!" Go exclaimed, clasping a hand on Chase's shoulder. "And now that he's gone, we don't have to hear about space so much, that was getting kind of old."
Chase frowned at Go. "Go, I think you need to take space sensitivity training."
Go chuckled. "Very funny, but we're done with that bit."
"Bit?" Chase asked, perplexed. "I'm serious. You need to take space sensitivity training. It's been a requirement for all officers ever since we started letting aliens onto the force."
Go hesitated. "… Oh. Crap."
"Have I insulted any of you guys by accident?" Z asked his friends, suddenly concerned. "I mean, is this space thing a big deal for you?"
"If I still took pride in being a Space Criminal… Which I'm absolutely not… It would, but I'm not, so it doesn't," Abrella told him.
"I'm from another dimension, not space, so no," Dogranio reminded him.
"If I felt like you offended me, I would've killed you a long time ago," Evolt told him.
"… Good to know," Z said weakly. "On that note, would it be racist if I asked if any of you, um, used magic? I mean, not to accuse you of genre blending or anything like that, but, I mean, I guess it would be weird if all magic in the universe was on a single planet or…"
"No, no, there's plenty of magic out there. Some of my people can use it, but I never had the aptitude," Abrella admitted with a shrug.
"We never used magic," Dogranio added. He hesitated. "Unless the Lupin Collection counts? Or our own special abilities? Not sure if that counts as biology or magic. Maybe both."
"I've never used magic either," Evolt said. He considered this for a moment. "I mean, the Pandora Box is a piece of technology so unimaginably advanced that even we don't really understand it, but I'm not sure it's magic. Then again, I'm not sure it's NOT magic, either. Sufficiently advanced technology and all that. In any event, my people aren't particularly fond of magic, after we were nearly wiped out by the space wizards."
"… Space wizards?" Asked the bewildered Dogranio.
Evolt nodded. "Yeah, given that my people were the most feared race in the entire universe, naturally there were a lot of people trying to figure out how to get rid of us. Unfortunately, given how absurdly resilient we are, and the fact that in the rare occasion one of us died a replacement was eventually spawned from the Pandora Box, that was easier said than done. A bunch of space wizards came up with the idea of imprisoning us instead and scattering us to the furthest reaches of the universe. Unfortunately for them, they only got a few of us before we realized what they were up to and destroyed their entire galaxy to make sure nobody figured out how to replicate their methods. It took several eons, but eventually everyone who was encapsulated was returned to us. Understandably, we didn't really want much to do with magic after that whole incident."
"Yeah, I can understand that," Z agreed.
"Wait… You said the Pandora Box creates new Blood whenever one of you is killed?" Abrella asked, puzzled. "But then why-"
"Why did it never replenish our species after my brother destroyed the planet?" Evolt finished, sounding weary. "I have no clue. Maybe it's because he blew up the planet as well. There was some sort of a connection, I think. Or maybe it was just too much death to handle at once. But honestly, I was never a scientist or theologian. While I more or less know how to use the Box, HOW it works or many of its other more advanced functions are way beyond me."
"Maybe if your people still exist in this universe, they can tell you?" Z suggested.
"That's the hope," Evolt agreed. He shrugged. "On the other hand, the mysteries of the Box may never be really answered. I'm pretty sure it existed long before my people did, and for all I know, in the unlikely event I ever bite it for real it'll probably still be here. Maybe it'll create a new species. I wonder if I'll be around to see it…"
Back on the field, Heart and Wolf Man were exchanging blows, the earth shaking from the force of their attacks. Despite this, both of them were laughing. "You're pretty good!" Heart exclaimed, hurling a haymaker at Wolf Man's face. "It's been a while since I've last fought an opponent who can withstand my punches without breaking!"
"I have been constantly upgraded by the scientists of Shocker to do battle against you Riders!" Wolf Man declared, lashing out with his claws in a savage slash that cut deep grooves into Heart's chest armor. "Which is why it vexes me so that that coward Fuhrer Crocodile would rather turn tail and run rather than face the Riders who slew my former master! We could've taken them!"
"Your former master? I thought your boss was Great Leader," Heart pointed out in confusion, knocking Wolf Man back with a roundhouse kick to the jaw.
"He is NOW," Wolf Man clarified, extending his arms and firing his claws like missiles at Heart. "But before I was leader of Shocker's Middle Eastern branch, my loyalty was to the Great Fuhrer himself, Adolf Hitler!"
Heart froze, not even flinching or trying to block a kick to his face that turned his whole head back. "Wait… You were a Nazi?"
"Indeed!" Wolf Man declared proudly. "I served with honor at Auschwitz! I lost my eye there due to a gas leak. I know I probably shouldn't have been down there, but I always loved watching those filthy Jews and Gypsies die in the gas chambers. It's the personal touch, you know?"
Heart clenched his fist. "… Okay, that's it. Playtime is over."
Wolf Man scoffed. "Oh, what does it matter to you? You're an android! Why should you care about what people I used to torture to death?"
He threw a punch at Heart's face…
And the Roidmude caught it in the time it took the Nazi werewolf to blink. Wolf Man started howling in agony as Heart slowly began to crush his hand, the Rider not even moving an inch. "While I planned to conquer humanity back in the day, I had no intention of wiping out a particular ethnicity or people just because they offended my sensibilities!" Heart snarled. "I wasn't exactly fond of humans, but I disliked them in GENERAL! I certainly didn't have any plans to round them up, shove them into camps, and do unspeakable things to them! I just wanted them to acknowledge us as their superiors!"
He exerted more pressure on Wolf Man's hand. "My hand! You're… You're breaking it!" Wolf Man whimpered, desperately clawing at Heart's chest with his other hand.
The Rider didn't seem to notice. "My creator viewed us, his own children, as little more than tools. Things he could abuse and dispose of at his whim. Someone who would treat another person like that… Those are some of the people I hate most in this world," Heart snarled as his whole body started glowing ominously. "Which is bad news for you, wolfie… Because you're about to take a one-way trip to the Dead Zone."
Despite the agony he was in, the confused Wolf Man couldn't help asking, "You're going to send me to that same void they banished Garlic Junior to in Dragon Ball Z?"
Beneath his mask, Heart grinned maliciously. "You wish."
Z cringed as horrific ultraviolence ensued. "That's pretty brutal…"
"And I'm loving it!" Evolt cackled.
"The people on this planet really hate Nazis, don't they?" Dogranio remarked, perplexed. "And yet I'm pretty sure that my boys never received this level of sheer vitriol or hatred."
"There's a difference between atrocities committed by an outside power, and those committed by your own people," Abrella pointed out. "The latter hits harder, somehow."
"I'll certainly be hitting those rotten cops and phantom thieves harder once I make my comeback…" Dogranio growled.
Nearby, Hiruchameleon went flying as he suffered a heavy blow from Shinnosuke's blade. "Kyaaaah! Curse you, Rider!"
"You might as well just give up and put an end to this," Mr. Belt advised the monster. "You must know there's only one possible way this can end!"
"Indeed there is… With your demise!" Cackling madly, Hiruchameleon shimmered and disappeared.
"Great, he's disappeared. Mr. Belt, what would you recommend?" Shinnosuke asked his mentor.
"If he has made himself invisible, then we need a way to make him visible to us," Mr. Belt reasoned. "Shinnosuke, use Spin Mixer!"
"I think I see where you're going with this," Shinnosuke realized, inserting a small toy car resembling a cement mixer into the Shift Brace on his left arm and pulling the lever.
*D*TIRE CHANGE: SPIN MIXER!*D*
the Tridoron revved its engine, its left front tire detaching and flying into the air, slamming into Shinnosuke and transforming the tire on his body into a gray wheel with several circles on it. The wheel started spinning, the holes opening up and firing globs of cement all over the place. While most of the globs splattered harmlessly on the ground, a few stopped in midair, deforming as they covered part of a humanoid figure.
"Hey! What gives!" Hiruchameleon cried realizing too late he'd just exposed himself. "Uh-oh."
"There he is!" Mr. Belt cried.
Shinnosuke produced a new Shift Car and inserted it in his Shift Brace. "Let's end this together, Mr. Belt!"
*D*FIRE ALL ENGINE! DRIVE: TYPE TRIDORON!*D*
A red cylinder of light formed around Shinnosuke and every Shift car in his arsenal converged on him as the Tridoron disassembled itself, its parts shrinking down and forming pieces of armor that slammed down onto him.
"Time for you to reach your finish line!" Shinnosuke declared as he produced the Trailer-Hou and inserted the Tridoron Shift Car into it.
*D*TRIDORON-HOU! HISSATSU! FULL THROTTLE: FULL FULL TRIDORON TAIHOU!*D*
"Nope! I'm out of here!" Hiruchameleon cried as Shinnosuke aimed his cannon at him and started charging up, trying to get away…
Only to discover that some of the cement had covered his feet and already hardened, rendering him unable to escape. "Oh, shi-"
Shinnosuke fired. An energy blast shot out of the cannon, enlarging and taking on the form of the Tridoron, which slammed into Hiruchameleon with such force that he was ripped out of the cement, leaving pieces of his feet behind. "THIS IS SUCH A COOL CAR!" He yelled as he flew through the air, exploding on contact with the ground.
"It is, isn't it?" Mr. Belt agreed proudly.
"Hey Shinnosuke, you finish your guy already?" Heart asked as he approached his first human friend.
Shinnosuke nodded as he turned towards him. "Yeah, it's not like it's the first time I've beaten-" He did a double take. "Whoa! Heart, are you all right? You're covered in blood!"
"Hmm?" Heart glanced down at his body, which was indeed covered with so much blood it made his red suit even redder. "Oh, none of this is mine. Well, that goes without saying, since I'm an android and don't actually have blood, but it's all from the other guy."
"What did he do to warrant such treatment?" Asked the horrified Mr. Belt.
"He was a Nazi," Heart said simply.
"Oh, all right then," Shinnosuke decided, immediately accepting this.
"Yes, that makes sense," Mr. Belt agreed.
"Okay, so the Nazis were this horrible group of people who were racist towards everyone else… So… It's okay to be racist towards them in turn?" Dogranio inquired, still miffed that his own Ganglers had never elicited this much hatred.
"I suppose it is hypocritical, from a certain perspective," Abrella conceded.
"Bigotry is what makes the world go round," Evolt remarked cheerfully.
Meanwhile, Hiiro and Brain were battling Spider Great Leader. Both of them had their swords out and were frantically dueling Spider Great leader, who was apparently able to divide his attention enough to delegate half of his limbs towards fighting either one of them. He laughed. "It's no use, Riders! Even if there were six of you fighting me all at once, I'd still be able to take you all on!"
"What if there were seven of us?" Hiiro asked.
"Yeah, you can't grow anymore limbs, can you? Then you'd have more than eight appendages and wouldn't be a spider!" Brain agreed to.
Spider Great Leader hesitated, and a stroke from Hiiro nearly sliced his cheek. "Yes, well… There aren't seven of you, are there?"
"But there COULD be," Brain retorted.
Hiiro nodded in agreement. "And there are far more than that here today. Even if you somehow managed to defeat us, how exactly are you planning to deal with all of them?"
"Just… just shut up!" Spider Great Leader snarled, spitting webbing at them. The two Riders quickly disengaged and rolled to the sides to avoid the attack.
"You are not the only one of us with a projectile attack, my old adversary!" Brain declared, producing a pair of sopping wet handkerchiefs. "Let's see if you've figured out a defense for my 999 Poison Handkerchief Technique!"
He started flinging a seemingly endless supply of wet handkerchiefs at Spider Great Leader. The villain's blades and spider legs sliced and blurred through the air, ripping the handkerchiefs to pieces. "It would seem I just have. And seriously, why do you keep calling me your adversary? I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Brain, was there a point to that attack?" Hiiro asked the fuming Roidmude.
Brain smirked, instantly changing his tune. "As a matter of fact, it is! Allow me to demonstrate!" Yelling at the top of his lungs, he swung his blade at Spider Great Leader.
The heir to Shocker laughed. "Fool!" His appendages lashed out…
Only for his swords to shatter on contact with Brain's blade, the weapon slicing through the hardened tips of his spider legs and cutting deep into his chest, causing him to howl in agony and stagger back.
"MY SON!" Great Leader shouted.
"How… How did you do that?!" Spider Great Leader stammered in disbelief.
Brain laughed. "I can generate over 999 different kinds of poison! And my handkerchiefs just so happened to be dosed in a corrosive substance that weakens metal and chitin! When you tore up my handkerchiefs, you doused your swords and spider legs in that substance, playing right into my hands!"
"I have to admit, he has a bit of a strange power set, but he certainly knows how to make it work," Dogranio commented.
Evolt nodded. "Yeah, as much of a dumbass he clearly is, he does have some moments of brilliance."
Brain leered smugly at the enraged Shocker general. "And without them, you're completely defenseless-"
Spider Great Leader spat webbing into his face. "Ack! My eyes!" He wailed, clawing at the substance covering his mask.
"Yeah, he can do that," Hiiro warned Brain too late.
"Only a minor hindrance!" Brain scoffed, calming himself down. He raised a hand, glowing toxic green. "I shall simply generate an acid to dissolve the webbing so I may see again!"
"Wait, Brain, I don't think that such a good-" Hiiro tried to warn Brain too late as the Roidmude Rider pressed his acidic hand to his face with… Predictable results.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES! THEY BURN!" Brain shrieked as the poison melted away the webs… And part of his face. "WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE FORESEEN THIS MIGHT HAPPEN?! WHY AM I NOT IMMUNE TO MY OWN POISONS!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
The four viewers stared blankly as Brain rolled around in the dirt, howling in pain. "I hereby withdraw my previous statement," Evolt said bluntly.
"What an idiot," Dogranio said flatly. "Who thought it would be a bright idea to name him Brain, again?"
"I believe he chose the name himself," Abrella theorized. "Though I suppose it could also be one of those ironic names."
"Like someone big being called "Tiny?"" Z asked.
Abrella nodded. "Precisely."
"Brain, if you can generate that many poisons, surely you can also synthesize an antidote!" Hiiro yelled at Brain as Spider Great Leader pointed and laughed hysterically.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH oh that's a great idea, thank you," Brain realized. His hand started glowing again and he touched it to his face, a green liquid oozing out that caused the melting to cease. His mask was still covered in chemical burns and his visor was partially melted, but he didn't look hideously deformed, only moderately so. "How do I look?" He asked anxiously.
"Only moderately deformed instead of hideously so," Hiiro assured him.
"Thanks… Wait, what do you mean 'moderately?'" Brain demanded.
"As amusing as this was, enough of this!" Spider Great Leader declared. "Now, I shall destroy-"
Hiiro immediately lashed out, his sword swinging through the air once, twice, six times, carving deep scars into Spider Great Leader's chest, sending sparks flying. As Spider Great Leader staggered back, all six of his arms fell off, as did the two horns growing from his eyesockets. "No thank you," Hiiro said calmly, flicking his blade to the side to dislodge drops of blood.
"Yes! For it is WE who shall destroy YOU!" Brain declared, standing back up.
"Don't count us out!" Go cried as he rushed over, followed by Chase, Heart, and Shinnosuke.
"Yeah, save a little for the rest of us!" Heart agreed.
"Heart, are you all right?" Brain asked in alarm. "You're covered in blood!"
"It was the other guy's," Heart said dismissively. "He was a Nazi." Both Brain and Hiiro nodded and murmured in understanding. "But what about you? What happened to your face? It's moderately deformed!"
"It was him! He did it to me!" Brain wailed, pointing an accusing finger at Spider Great Leader. "And what you mean by 'moderately? '"
"You did it to yourself!" Spider Great Leader protested.
"LIES!"
"It doesn't matter whether it was Spider Great Leader or Brain himself who caused this moderate deformity-" Mr. Belt begin.
"Seriously, what does everyone keep meaning when they say 'moderately?!'" Brain demanded.
"What matters is that we defeat this adversary so we can go back to running people over," Mr. Belt continued. He hesitated. "Go back to defeating villains. That's what I meant."
"Should… Someone else be driving the Tridoron for a little while?" Chase asked him concern.
"NO," both Shinnosuke and Mr. Belt said loudly.
"I may be armless, but I'm far from harmless!" Spider Great leader snarled.
Everyone groaned. "That was terrible!" Brain complained.
"What are you going to do, headbutt us?" Go joked.
"I already did that bit," Hiiro told him.
"I'm going to do THIS!" Spider Great Leader bellowed, opening his mouth wide, energy coalescing to form a spinning ball of webbing that grew rapidly in size…
Until Go shot it with an energy bullet, causing the ball to blow up in Spider Great Leader's face, covering him in webbing. "Was that supposed to do something?" The biker taunted.
"Grah! Get off!" Spider Great Leader snarled. "Father, why did you not make me immune to my own webs?!"
"We never thought this might happen!" Great Leader protested.
"Don't worry sweetie, we'll fix it the next time we resurrect you," Ambassador Hell promised.
"That's not particularly reassuring!" Spider Great Leader snapped.
"Hurry, before he breaks free," Hiiro suggested. "We should finish him off."
Shinnosuke nodded. "Agreed."
All six Riders engaged their Drivers, powering up for their finishing moves.
| THE FINISHER! FULL THROTTLE! |
"KICK MACHER!"
"CHASER END!"
"DEADROP!"
"TRIDROP!"
"BRAIN HEAD CRUSHER!"
| CLICK AND OPEN! |
| FINISHING MOVE! TADDLE LEGEND CRITICAL FINISH! |
Go, Chase, Heart, and Shinnosuke launched at Spider Great Leader with Rider Kicks while Brain charged forward with a headbutt and Hiiro lashed out with his sword.
Without warning, two new arms and four new spider legs emerged from Spider Great Leader's shoulders and back, shredding the webbing entrapping his body. His limbs shot out, catching the finishing moves just before they could strike him, holding the six Riders in place, much to their surprise.
"Ha! You fell right into his trap!" Great Leader proclaimed eagerly.
"Do it, son! Kill them!" Ambassador Hell enthused.
Spider Great Leader laughed. "With pleasure!" He opened his mouth, charging up another energy ball of webbing. "I told you before, it will take more than six Riders to defeat me!"
"Then what about a seventh? RIDER KICK!"
And that's when Takeshi Hongo slammed into Spider Great Leader's back with his signature move, the impact breaking off the villain's spider legs at their source as well as causing him to lose his grip on Brain's cranium and Hiiro's sword, allowing all six attacks to strike Spider Great Leader, their power combining with Hongo's Rider Kick and engulfing the Shocker heir in a tremendous explosion.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY SWEET BABYCHILD!" Ambassador Hell wailed.
"HONGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Great Leader bellowed in fury.
"Who is that guy?" Asked the confused Evolt.
"That is Takeshi Hongo, Kamen Rider-1, the first Rider," Abrella told him.
Evolt gave him a skeptical look. "Okay, that can't be right. I've been around for millions of years, and I'm pretty sure there are other Riders who've been around long before this guy."
"That's true," Abrella admitted. "But he's the first publicly recognized Rider. The first Rider of the modern age, to battle in the daylight instead of fighting evil in the shadows. As such, most people just call him the first Rider, because in many ways he kicked off what most people consider to be the age of Kamen Riders."
"Well… I could probably take him," Evolt grunted.
"Don't be so sure of that," Abrella warned him. "He's been fighting evil for at least 50 years, and is still going strong. Even modern Riders, with access to powers far greater than his, have had trouble fighting him. He is not an opponent to be trifled with."
"We'll see," Evolt grunted, looking at Hongo warily.
"Hongo! What are you doing here?" Shinnosuke asked in surprise.
"Whereever Shocker rears its head, I am never far behind!" Hongo proclaimed. "Also, since I helped young Kujo out earlier, it only made sense that I arrived to assist his comrade Kagami as well, much like most of the others present helped the Doctor Riders earlier today and came to lend a hand once more."
"We are honored to have you with us, Hongo," Hiiro said gratefully. "Thank you for coming."
"Well, what sort of senpai would I be if I did not lend a hand to the younger generation?" Hongo asked jovially, clasping a hand on his shoulder. He then focused his attention on the Combatman standing nearby. "I bet you weren't expecting to see me again today, were you, Great Leader?"
"Hongo…" Great Leader snarled. "Once again, you stick your nose where it doesn't belong…" Suddenly, he started laughing. "And yet, perhaps it is for the better that you are here, because now I can watch you die at the hands of my son!"
"Your son?" Go asked, puzzled. "But we just killed him."
"No… You did not!"
Surprised, the Riders turned around to see Spider Great Leader, who had clearly not been destroyed in the explosion, staggering to his feet, his armored carapace cracked and scorched. "You're still alive?!" Brain demanded in disbelief.
"Good, more fighting!" Heart exclaimed eagerly.
Spider Great Leader laughed regularly. "I should thank you, Riders… For you have given me an excuse to show off my true form!"
"I thought that was your true form," Hiiro pointed out.
"My truer form!" Spider Great Leader amended. Laughing, he opened his mouth, and everyone tensed…
Only to blink in confusion as Spider Great Leader tilted his head down and spat a ball of webbing at his feet, the projectile bursting and covering him completely in webs. "Was that supposed to happen?" Asked the confused Shinnosuke.
"Maybe he got a concussion and screwed up his aim?" Heart suggested. "We did hit him pretty hard…"
Hiiro shook his head. "No, there's something else going on."
Mr. Belt frowned as the mass of webbing started to wriggle, convulse, and glow ominously. "Wait… Hold on… I think…" He gasped. "I think that's a cocoon! Everyone, attack quickly, before-"
The cocoon exploded, a wave of darkness blasting outwards and flinging the seven Riders away. Great Leader cackled insanely as his metamorphosed son rose up, bits of webbing and parts of his former skin sloughing off of him with each breath he took. "Behold, Hongo, the instrument of your demise! My son, in his ultimate form… As GIANT Spider Great Leader!"
Ambassador Hell sniffed. "They grow up so fast!"
Giant Spider Great Leader was a spider the size of a house covered in armored plates bristling with spines with huge jaws filled with teeth the size of Hiiro's sword, a grotesque face resembling the twisted visage of Shocker Leader III inside its mouth. Its eight eyes were arranged to form the Shocker insignia, and the now-gargantuan torso of Spider Great Leader grew out from the top of the head, a colossal sword in each hand and massive eagle wings spreading from his back. A massive cobra head rose up from the rear of the abdomen, hissing and snapping at the air. Giant Spider Great Leader opened his mouth and roared, the sun darkening slightly and the earth shaking as an aura of dread and pure evil emanated from his form.
Z whistled. "That is one big, ugly spider."
"I've seen bigger and uglier," Evolt said dismissively. "I once ate a whole planet made of spiders. Literally. As in, it was spiders all the way down. It was horrible. I only ate it because my idiot brother tricked me into doing it. What an asshole."
"It's a good thing none of us has arachnophobia," Abrella remarked.
"Dogranio, why are you hiding behind the couch?" Z asked the Gangler leader.
"No reason in particular," Dogranio replied shrilly.
"Okay, so… Am I the only one who's wondering why there's a cobra coming out of his butt?" Asked the dumbfounded Go.
"That was me," Ambassador Hell clarified. "He's got my genetics too, after all."
"And why does he have wings?" Hiiro wondered.
"Because the only way to make a spider more horrifying is if it were a flying spider," Great Leader explained.
The Riders considered this. "Yeah, that checks out," Mr. Belt agreed after a moment.
"Okay, he looks pretty bad, but I'm pretty sure we've faced bigger and worse," Shinnosuke pointed out.
"I certainly have," Hongo agreed.
Great Leader cackled. "Oh, but my son is just getting started!"
With an inhuman snarl, Giant Spider Great Leader lifted his abdomen and expelled a number of eggs, each the size of a person, much to the disgust of the Riders.
"Ewwwwwwwww," Go complained, making a face.
"Wait, I thought he was a man, how can he reproduce?" Wondered the confused Hiiro.
"Really? That's the part that you're having trouble with?" Asked the incredulous Brain.
"I'm a doctor, so yes," Hiiro shot back.
"How da Spider-Man re you! Ambassador Hell and I had no problem conceiving our son, and neither of us is a woman!" Great Leader pointed out scornfully.
"To be fair, we did sort of clone him," Ambassador Hell reminded him.
"That's besides the point!"
The eggs started shaking as cracks appeared on their surface. One by one, they split open and grotesque monsters clawed their way into the sunlight. Strangely familiar monsters, at that…
"Wait…" Hongo murmured, surprised. "That's… Spider Man, Space Spider Man…"
"What are you talking about? None of them look anything like Spider-Man," said the confused Heart.
"Yes there are, there are two of them right there," Chase replied. "Actual Spider Man and Space Spider Man."
"No, none of them are Spider-Man!" Heart protested.
"Yes they are. They're right there. Spider Man and Space Spider Man," Chase insisted.
"No they aren't, none of them look like-"
"Heart, they're talking about the Spider Man and Space Spider Man monsters, not the superhero," Mr. Belt explained.
"Ohhhh," Heart murmured in understanding.
"That's sort of confusing, and I'm pretty sure it infringes copyright or something," Go complained.
"And there's also Spider Napoleon, Zu-Gumun-Ba, Tsuchigumo, Arachne, Dispider… I think that's every spider monster that's ever been fought by a Kamen Rider!" Exclaimed Hiiro, who'd been ignoring the idiocy going on behind him.
Great Leader cackled. "We injected our son with the DNA of every spider kaijin ever battled by a Kamen Rider, so that he would be able to generate an army of them in his ultimate form!"
"An army of adorable spider children to dominate the world! Oh, I'm so proud! I never thought I'd ever get the chance to be a grandmother!" Ambassador Hell gushed.
"Every non-Roidmude spider monster, you mean," pointed out a miffed Brain. "I'm offended by the lack of inclusion of our brethren!"
"To be fair, that would mean I'd have to be over there, too," Heart pointed out. "Plus, do you really want to fight any of our friends?"
"No, but I'm still deeply offended!" Brain declared haughtily.
"Hey Dogranio, the big spider monster is gone!" Evolt shouted over the back of the couch.
"Really? Oh good – – I mean, that's a pity, I would've liked to watch it kill those Riders-" Dogranio began as he peeked his head over the couch… Only to freeze when he saw Giant Spider Great Leader was not only not dead, but had given birth. "Evolt," he said slowly. "The spider monster is not dead."
"Nope," Evolt agreed.
"It has, in fact, reproduced."
"That's right."
"I hate you." Dogranio slowly pulled his head back. A moment later, they could hear hyperventilated sobs from the other side of the couch.
"That was really mean," Z complained.
"Kid, have you not been paying attention to anything I've done so far?" Evolt sneered.
"This many spider monsters… It might be a problem, even for us," Chase admitted.
"We can take them," Hiiro said confidently. "We have the blessings of Lord Baron. Well, I do, I'm not sure about the rest of you."
Shinnosuke awkwardly raised a hand. "I'm actually a worshiper of the OverLord."
"Your God is dead, heathen, so I think you're on your own," Hiiro said bluntly. Shinnosuke sighed.
"Wait, you're not a Gaimist?" Go asked in surprised. "Bro, you've MET Gaim. You've teamed up with him on multiple occasions!"
"Look, I was worshiping the OverLord long before Kazuraba ascended, if I just jumped ship and abandoned my deity for some new guy on the block I couldn't exactly call myself a man of faith, now could I?" Shinnosuke argued.
"I don't think now is the time for theological debate," Heart pointed out. "Although incidentally, I worship the Heavenly Saints."
"… But you're an android," pointed out the confused Hiiro.
"So? That means I can't believe in magic?" Heart argued. "Don't be racist, man."
"Yeah, just because we are machines doesn't mean we have to necessarily believe in a machine God, even though we acknowledge there are several," Brain agreed.
"I follow the way of Ultimate Daizyuzin," Chase said seriously. He shrugged when everyone looked at him. "I like dinosaurs."
"STOP ARGUING ABOUT YOUR FALSE GODS AND FACE ME!" Giant Spider Great Leader bellowed.
"First of all, our gods aren't false!" Shinnosuke yelled angrily.
"And second: be careful what you wish for!" Mr. Belt added.
"That may not be necessary," Hongo interjected as everyone prepared to fight. "On my way over, I ran into an old friend I haven't seen in decades, and he agreed to come help."
"Another Rider?" Hiiro asked.
Hongo shook his head. "No."
"A Metal Hero, then?" Shinnosuke asked.
"No."
"… A magical girl?" Go asked hesitantly.
"Not that either."
"Well who's left, then?" Brain asked in frustration.
"You might call him… An emissary from hell," Hongo said cryptically.
"Why would Ambassador Hell help us kill his own son?" Asked the baffled Go.
"That's right, why would I?" Ambassador Hell demanded.
"No, not… I said an emissary, not an ambassador," Hongo corrected, getting annoyed.
"Ambassador Hell has a younger brother?" Heart asked in surprise. "I didn't know that!"
"No, Ambassador Hell's brother is Ambassador Darkness," Hiiro corrected him.
"Really? So, what, is Ambassador a family name or something?" Heart wondered.
"So, does that mean Emissary Hell is his nephew or cousin?" Chase speculated.
"No! There is nobody in my family with that name!" Ambassador Hell shouted.
"Why would you be friends with someone called Emissary Hell, anyway?" Shinnosuke asked. "He sounds like a villain."
"That's because it's not his name! It's just something he calls himself! The emissary of hell!" Hongo shouted, losing his patience. "Do NONE of you have any idea who I'm talking about?!"
All six Riders shook their heads. So did Giant Spider Great Leader, his children, the Shocker Combatman serving as his master's mouthpiece, and, presumably, Great Leader and Ambassador Hell, wherever they were.
Hongo groaned in exasperation. "Well fine, it was supposed to be a surprise, but since none of you have the slightest idea what I'm talking about, it's-"
"SWORD VIGOR!"
A giant sword lanced through the air and pierced the ground, skewering Giant Spider Great Leader and splattering his spider Army. Giant Spider Great Leader, whose body had been almost ripped in half by the giant blade, convulsed, vomited up copious amounts of blood and other fluids, and expired.
"Him," Hongo finished, nodding at a giant black and gray robot standing nearby, red and gold panels with spiderweb patterns on them adorning its body.
"Oh God, that was disgusting!" Go cried, horrified. All of the Riders except for Hongo and Hiiro had been splattered in spider viscera.
"I feel like I need to throw up, and I don't even have a stomach anymore!" Mr. Belt moaned.
"How come you two got off easy?" Brain demanded of Hongo and Hiiro, envious.
"I'm the first Rider," Hongo explained, as if that solved everything.
"And I have the blessings of my God," Hiiro added. "Still convinced of the power of your deities?" The other Riders grumbled in irritation.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY SON!" Great Leader cried in horror.
"My grandchildren! They were just babies! You monsters!" Ambassador Hell shrieked in outrage.
"I thought you said your friend wasn't Sentai," said the confused Hiiro.
"He isn't. They don't exactly have a monopoly on giant robots, you know," Hongo pointed out.
A figure jumped out of the head of the giant robot, descending towards them. "I am the emissary of hell!" He declared dramatically as he landed before them. "I am the Iron Cross Killer! I am-"
"SPIDER-MAN?!" The Riders cried in disbelief.
And indeed, it did appear as if Spider-Man (the superhero, not the monster) had just arrived. He looked EXACTLY like he did in the comic books, wearing a red and blue costume with a spiderweb pattern, blank white eyes, and a small black spider on his chest and a big red one on his back. The only difference was that he had a bulky device on his left wrist.
"Spider-Man is real?!" Shinnosuke cried, incredulous.
"Spider-Man has a giant robot?!" Demanded Brain, dumbfounded.
"Spider-Man is Japanese?" Wondered the puzzled Chase.
"What? What?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Great Leader shrieked.
"Yes to all three, but I'm not the Spider-Man you're thinking of," Spider-Man explained.
"… Oh, of course," Hiiro realized. "You're Japanese Spider-Man."
"There's a Japanese Spider-Man?" Go demanded.
"Certainly. You don't read the newsletter?" Hongo asked.
"I think the answer to that should be obvious," Hiiro pointed out. Go grimaced.
"Hey Dogranio, all the spiders are gone, for real this time," Z told Dogranio. "Well, except for Spider-Man. The superhero, not the monster."
Dogranio poked his head up from behind the couch. "Wait, what? Spider-Man is real? I thought he was a comic book character."
"So did I," said the confused Evolt. "Does Marvel know about this?"
"They do," Abrella informed him. "It's a bit of a complex issue."
"I can see most of you have no idea who I am," the impossible hero observed. "Very well. Let's start from the beginning, one last time. My name is Takuya Yamashiro. I was infused with alien DNA by a visitor from a distant world and for the last 40-odd years I've been the one and only Spider-Man. I've vanquished the Iron Cross Army, fought evils both here and in space, and managed, with SIGNIFICANT difficulty, to settle a number of long-standing lawsuits leveled against me by Marvel comics. I've saved the world, fallen in love, saved the world again, and again, and again… It's been a long and difficult journey, but after everything, I still love being spider-Man. I mean, who wouldn't? So no matter how many hits I take, I always find a way to keep coming back, because there's only one Spider-Man in this world, and you're looking at him."
"… Did you rip that off from Into the Spider-verse?" Mr. Belt asked skeptically.
"No," Takuya lied.
"I don't care who you are!" Great Leader shouted. "You killed my son! For that, you will suffer a horrible-"
Takuya thrust his left arm out, clenching his middle and ring fingers while extending his thumb, index, and pinky fingers, and a string of webbing shot out from the device on his wrist, splattering against the belt on the Combatman's chest, gumming up the workings and causing the archvillain's voice to sputter and die out. The hapless goon yelped in dismay and frantically tried to pull out the webbing to hear his master's voice again.
"Okay, I like you. We can be friends," Heart decided.
"I take it this means you will join us in our battle?" Hiiro asked Takuya.
The Spider-Man nodded. "I will. Not that I'm sure there's much of a battle left. From Leopardon, it looked as if your colleagues have already mopped up most of the remaining foes and are converging on a battle between three Riders."
"That must be Emu and Sento fighting Kuroto Dan," Hiiro realized.
"That's Transcendent Legendary Magnificent True Perfect Mega Ultimate Maximum Future Wonderful Miracle Beautiful Genius Mastermind Brain Final Hyper Grand Master Super-De-Duper Great Dream Neo-Shin Real Kuroking Dan Supreme GOD Plus Ultra Beyond Eternal Exceed Infinity Truly Final Xtreme!" Transcendent Legendary Magnificent True Perfect Mega Ultimate Maximum Future Wonderful Miracle Beautiful Genius Mastermind Brain Final Hyper Grand Master Super-De-Duper Great Dream Neo-Shin Real Kuroking Dan Supreme GOD Plus Ultra Beyond Eternal Exceed Infinity Truly Final Xtreme yelled off in the distance.
"NOBODY CARES!" Everyone shouted in reply.
"With all of us together, Kuroto-" Hiiro began.
"It's-"
"CAN'T POSSIBLY WIN," Hiiro shouted before Transcendent Legendary Magnificent True Perfect Mega Ultimate Maximum Future Wonderful Miracle Beautiful Genius Mastermind Brain Final Hyper Grand Master Super-De-Duper Great Dream Neo-Shin Real Kuroking Dan Supreme GOD Plus Ultra Beyond Eternal Exceed Infinity Truly Final Xtreme could finish his sentence.
"I would warn you against being overconfident, but… Between all of us, I have a hard time imagining him winning," Hongo admitted.
Takuya extended a hand. "Hongo vouched for all of you. It would be an honor to fight alongside heroes of your caliber."
"The feeling is mutual," Hiiro assured the Spider-Man, shaking his hand. "All right. Let's go put an end to this, once and for all-"
Abruptly, a swirling multicolored vortex tore open and spat out over half a dozen figures. Brain groaned. "Oh, what NOW?!"
Takuya did a double-take when he saw the new arrivals. "You're… Like me?"
This did indeed seem to be the case, as everyone who just come from the portal looked like a Spider-Person! Two resembled the classic Spider-Man, only one looked overweight, out of shape, and somehow had the air of a down-on-his-luck hobo around him. One wore an outfit resembling the classic suit, but was almost completely black with red webs, and also looked to be a teenager. Another, about the same age, was a girl in a white and black suit with a hoodie and pink accents. A much taller, mature figure was so black-and-white he appeared to actually be monochrome, complete with a fedora and trenchcoat billowing in the breeze that seemed to only exist for him. There was also a large red and blue robot with a face resembling an emoticon over a cockpit with a little girl inside, a man in an edgy outfit with a tattered web cape and jagged red lines covering his blue suit, and an honest to Gaim anthropomorphic pig wearing a variant of the classic outfit.
In addition, all of them looked as if they were somehow animated characters that had somehow stepped out of the television and into reality, each drawn in a different style, clashing against each other and against the much realer world around them, creating a rather unnerving Uncanny Valley effect.
As the two groups stared at each other, the Riders dumbfounded and speechless, the Spider-Man in the edgy outfit checked the device on his wrist and spoke up. "Spider-Man of Earth – 51778, we need your help to avert a crisis of infinite proportions threatening every Spider in the multiverse as the Goblin… Emperor…"
He trailed off, finally seeming to notice everything around him. The multiple Kamen Riders, the Bugster Virus soldiers mopping up the last of the Shocker Combatmen, the Combatman still trying to clean out his belt, the grotesque corpse of Giant Spider Great Leader with a huge sword sticking out of it, and the giant robot standing on a nearby ridge. Explosions rocked in the distance as the other heroes continued making their way towards the battle between Emu, Sento, and Transcendent Legendary Magnificent True Perfect Mega Ultimate Maximum Future Wonderful Miracle Beautiful Genius Mastermind Brain Final Hyper Grand Master Super-De-Duper Great Dream Neo-Shin Real Kuroking Dan Supreme GOD Plus Ultra Beyond Eternal Exceed Infinity Truly Final Xtreme. "Uh…"
"Is. Um. Is this a bad time?" The black-suited teenager asked awkwardly, voice cracking slightly.
"I mean, it looks like you're sort of in the middle of a crisis crossover here, so if you don't have time to participate in ours, we totally understand," the white-suited girl promised.
The hobo -like Spider-Man groaned. "See, kids, this is why it's important for major crisis crossovers to happen at different times. If they all start happening at once, it just gets confusing for everyone."
"Do you have any idea what's going on?" The other classic-suited Spider-Man asked the monochrome one.
"In this cruel, violent, unfeeling world of ours, can anyone honestly say they have any idea what's going on?" The monochrome Spider-Man said dramatically as his trenchcoat flapped in the breeze. "We all think we know who we are, how everything will turn out, what our place in the world is… But in the end, all of our preconceptions evaporate when faced with the cold, harsh light of reality, fading like a dream upon waking from a fitful, restless lumber."
The other Spider-Man blinked. "… Well, great, now I'm even more confused."
The anime girl piloting the robot gasped, eyes sparkling. "It's just like home! But much browner and uglier!"
The pig did an aside glance. "I know what you're thinking, folks, but trust me: we haven't even APPROACHED maximum weirdness yet!"
"Who is that pig talking to and why does he sound like John Mulaney?" Asked a confused Brain. Nobody answered him.
…
STAGE CLEAR!
CONTINUE?