To quote the central character of this story – "I'm sorry…for all sorts of things"

Obviously, starting with how long it took me to finish this story. I've known exactly how this was going to end for a long time, I just couldn't find the motivation to write it. But 'my goal in 2020 is to accomplish the goals I set in 2019, which I should have done in 2018, because I made a promise in 2017, which I planned in 2016'. And look at that, we're not even out of January and I've finally finished!

Sorry for any continuity errors. I did not go back and reread all of the previous chapters. One, I would just use that as an excuse to not sit down and finish this chapter. Two, my writing style has changed so much since 2004 (once again, soooo sorry that's I'm just finishing this), I find it a little difficult to go back and read earlier chapters without picking them apart.

Sorry for any typos/errors throughout this chapter. I didn't proof read this because I really just wanted to get it posted and give anyone who happens to remember this story an ending.

So without further ado…

Chapter 37

She always finds it bizarre when she can't remember the drive home. She feels mildly panicky that she's been spaced out while behind the wheel and wonders how many traffic violations she's committed during her commute. She's never been able to fill in the blanks in her mind, but as she grabs her weekend bag from the back seat she can't help but try anyway. She gives up once she reaches the front door and chooses to just be thankful that she always makes it back home in one piece.

"Hi my favorite parental units…" she singsongs as she closes the door behind her and toes out of the black and red Converse she'd 'borrowed' from her mother's closet a few months ago.

"Last I checked, we were your only parental units" she meets her mother's gaze over the edge of the sofa and shrugs her slim shoulders before setting her bag down.

"Technicalities…" she flippantly waves her hand in the air and listens to her mother laugh as she dog-ears the page she'd been reading and sets the book on the coffee table.

"You are so you're god-mother's child" Lucas shakes his head as he comes out of the kitchen and walks down the hall towards her. It's never something they made official, but Alex had started referring to Brooke that way on day, and the title just stuck after that. "How was your history exam?"

"Good. Pretty sure I aced it." She smiles as he presses a kiss to the crown of her head. He never expected any less of her, but he's still always proud of how well she does in school, especially over these last few months. It's almost a two hour drive from campus, but Alex has been home every weekend of the last 3 months, and some weeknights as well. Her every waking moment is planned out during the week to ensure she has enough time to study and get all her work done. It's utterly exhausting, but it's well worth is as far as she's concerned.

"And how was your date?" Peyton folds her arms along the back of the sofa and watches a barely perceptible blush creep onto her daughter's cheeks.

"And here I thought I was getting a break from grading papers" Alex chuckles as her dad sighs and drops his chin to his chest.

"No one's kicking you out the room" She flashes him and innocent smile with a mischievous gleam in her eyes, and he can very clearly remember the first time he'd seen that exact look on his wife's face back in their junior year.

"I love you Al, but that's a conversation I'm leaving for you and your mother"

"Don't you want me to be happy, daddy?" She pouts up at him and he doesn't need to look at Peyton to know her eyes are full of amusement at his expense.

"Of course I do" Lucas puts his arms around his daughter as he leads her into the living room. "Which means I should probably let you go back to school in a few days." His head rests atop her momentarily and squeezes her arm lightly before releasing her so she can sit next her mother. "And that's not likely to happen if I don't return to kitchen where I can't here this conversation.

Alex watches as her dad rests his hand on her mother's shoulder as he leans down to press his lips to her forehead gently, her mother's fingers wrapping around his as he eyes close gently. She smiles warmly at the interaction between her parents and now immediately that although her date went well, nothing will come of it. Her parents may have given her slightly unrealistic expectations, but for 15 years she's been surrounded by constant, natural displays of affection between them and she wants nothing less from any relationship she finds herself in. She wants to look at someone the way her mom still looks at her dad. She wants to slip in an out of a private world the way her parents so frequently do when they're with each other. They've been through so much and always came out the other side undeniably stronger.

She would never tell her parents, but she remembers her mother being sick. Despite how much they all wanted to shield her, she remembers just about all of it.

Flashback

She looks up startled as her uncle slides into the seat across from her. It's not particularly warm out, but she likes sitting at the pier. Her dad has the Rivercourt, but she prefers this view of the Atlantic. "Thought I might find you here" She meets Nathan's eyes briefly before she averts her eyes back out over the water. "Personally, I think it's a little cold for ice cream, but what do I know."

"I thought it might distract me…" He watches her shrug her shoulders dejectedly. He looks at the untouched vanilla soft serve covered in rainbow sprinkles and remembers sitting her with her throughout the summer years ago.

"I always hoped you were too young to remember" He smiles sadly at his niece. Yes, he'd hoped, but deep down he think he always knew it wasn't something she was likely to really forget.

"I'm kind of glad that I do though. It makes me appreciate her more, you know?" He nods as he pulls out a spoon she hadn't noticed before and dips it into the cup between them. "They think I don't know. They pretend everything's fine when I come home to visit, but…"

"I'm sorry, princess" Nathan watches a tear slide down her cheek as she takes a small spoonful of ice cream and feels his heart breaking all over again. He'd found Lucas crying at Rivercourt a few weeks ago and had known without asking that Peyton was sick again. There wasn't anything he say, so he'd just sat next to his brother as tear silently slid down from the blonde's eyes. He didn't have the words then, and he doesn't have any meaningful words now. But sitting at the pier with his niece has never been about words. It's been about giving her a place to just be and to eat her favorite ice cream, so he dips his spoon again and continues eating next to her.

Alex can't help but laugh as she watches her uncle grimace at the sprinkles caught in his teeth. "You really hate sprinkles" Nathan nods as he finally gets the chalky sugar out of his teeth.

"But I really love you" Her smile softens as he scoops up more ice cream and puts a rainbow covered spoonful in his mouth without hesitation.

End Flashback

That had been a little over a year ago during her first semester of Junior year. Alex had finished up her winter finals, then packed up her dorm room and driven home.

Flashback

"Hey kiddo. We weren't expecting you home 'til the end of the week." Lucas turns off the lawn mower and wipes the back of his hand across his forehead as his daughter closes the car door.

"Hi daddy. I'm done with all my exams and was just ready to come home" She shrugs as he swings his leg over the mower and start toward her, eyebrow raised and slight frown on his face.

"And decided to bring all your things home with you?" Her dorm was paid up for the entire year, and she'd always only come home with clothes between semesters. That, and she stopped calling him daddy in sixth grade. He remembers Peyton finding him in his study, pouting that he'd officially been renamed 'dad'. She only calls him daddy when she's being playful…or when she's upset.

"Well I'm not exactly going back, so…"

"Alex…" He come to a stop in front of her, but she refuses to meet his eyes. 'Like hell you're not' is itching to roll off his tongue, but he bites back the remark as he lifts her chin with his finger. She knows. It's clear as day on her face that she's known for a while now. He wraps his arm around her shoulders and tucks his daughter into his side and wishes it was enough to shield her from pain.

She leans heavily into him as they make their way inside. She'd been determined to stay strong and keep pretending that everything is fine, but all she really wants is to disappear into the safety of her dad's embrace. Because her mom is sick, and it's not fair.

"You can't just drop out of school, Alexandra" She flinches at the use of her full name.

"It's not like it'd be forever mom." She protest from her seat at the kitchen island.

"It won't be happening at all" Peyton glances pointedly over her shoulder before setting her attention back on the stir fry on the stove in front of her.

"But mom…"

"No buts. You're staying in school, Alex. Your worked way too hard to get where you are to just…" Peyton runs a hand through her hair and shakes her head in frustration. "You spent all of high school talking about Duke and Columbia." For her it was art and for Luke it was literature, but their daughter was in love with science. She'd started pouring over course catalogs with Haley in her freshman year and quickly settled on Duke for undergrad.

"I'll go to community college for a year and then I can spend my last semester at Duke and still go on to Columbia for grad school. It'll be fine, mom. I promise I'm not quitting or throwing anything away. You know I would never do something like that."

"Do you remember when you got your acceptance letter from Duke?" Peyton turns off the stove and takes the few steps forward to rest her elbows on the island opposite her daughter. "Baby, you were so excited. You were literally bouncing on the balls of your feet waiting for you dad to pull into the drive way so you could tell him." Neither of them had had any doubts that Alex would get in, but they'd been so proud watching their child on cloud nine in the following days. "This is your dream, honey" She reaches across to cup her daughter's face and smiles as Alex closes her eyes and leans into her touch.

"But you're my mom"

End Flashback

Despite her continued protest, a few weeks later Alex was back at school. She'd assuaged her guilt by calling home every night. She'd made sure to speak to always speak to both of them, her concern for her father's mental health looming just as large as her concern for her mother's physical health. And in the coming months, she'd watched them both steadily lose weight, her dad at a less rapid pace, but noticeable all the same.

Even while running her company and running behind 11 year twin boys, Brooke had made it a priority to monitor her god-daughter's well-being. She'd made it a habit to get the boys off to school and then check in with her mini-me at least 3 times a week. They'd had one rule when Alex went to finish up her junior year – always be honest with each other. Brooke would not sugar coat Peyton's illness and Alex would not bury her feelings and pretend to be strong. With Brooke, she let herself by frustrated and angry. With Brooke, she let herself cry. Her god-mother let her flit through the tumultuous emotions that came with her grief and provided her with unwavering support even in the times Alex didn't realize she'd needed it.

That support is what's allowed her to joke and laugh with her mother instead of falling apart at the seams. Peyton's never asked her best friend to divulge that details of the conversations she knows are taking place with her daughter. She's just eternally grateful that Brooke Davis grew up to be the person that most people only caught rare glimpses of in their teenage years. That the brunette is one of the many people Alex forever has in her corner.

Brooke had been the first person she'd told when she'd relapsed 13 months ago. Peyton had initially intended to go to the doctor's appoint on her own, not wanting to worry anybody until it was really necessary. But she'd unconsciously detoured on her way to the doctor's office and found herself outside her best friend's house.

Flashback

She's so focused on the sketchpad that's resting on her knees that she doesn't notice Lucas leaning in the door frame. He doesn't mind though, he's always loved to watch her draw. He could spend hours watching her hands move across the page, but within 30 minutes she usually protest that he's distracting her and shoos him away.

Peyton swipes a stray curl off her forehead and catches sight of her husband out of the corner of her eye. "Hi stalker…" she muses without looking at him. She's got her feet up on the window length bench Lucas built years ago in his office. He'd claimed he'd always wanted a reading nook, but they'd both known he'd built it for her.

"Hi wifey…" he leans his head against the frame and smirks as he takes note of the charcoal smudges on her checks. He finds them cute, and although it'll earn him a scowl later on, he has no intention of telling her about them, especially considering he finds her scowls cute as well. "So are we going to starve tonight, or do you plan on cooking at some point?" That shifts her attention to him as she raises an eyebrow.

"Is something wrong with my husband's hands?" She closes the sketchbook and cranes her neck towards him, a stony mask on her face.

"No, they're just not yours." He pushes off the door frame as he gives her an innocent smile.

"Then I guess you're going to starve." She shrugs as Lucas moves towards her, eventually placing his palms flat against the cushions on either side of her hips, effectively caging her in.

"That's not very nice, Mrs. Scott. I have lots of other plans for my hands later tonight." He presses his lips to hers for kiss that perfectly chase, yet anything but. "Mmmmh…" he leans in further and hums from deep in his chest as she extends her legs, and she can feel the vibration in her lips. "So, so many plans"

"Well then, you better get some food in your stomach." She loops her arms around his neck as she whispers against his lips.

"My hands have to do the cooking too?" he mumbles between kisses. He really is hungry, but Lucas contemplates skipping dinner when her tongue finds its way into his mouth. Over twenty years later, and kissing Peyton Sawyer still sends his blood rushing south.

"I guess I could help you out this time, Mr. Scott"

"That's very kind of you, Mrs. Scott" They should be making their way down to the kitchen, but instead Lucas slips and arm around her waist and lifts Peyton from the bench just enough to sit and shift her to straddle his lap.

"I don't think this qualifies as later" she muses as his lips trail down her neck.

"Who says later can't be now?" His treacherous stomach choose that moment to growl, eliciting a laugh from his wife.

"Your stomach apparently" She rests her forehead against his and pecks his lips one last time. "Let's go get you fed"

"Fine…" he pouts as she gets to her feet and steps back so he has enough room to stand. She sways suddenly, her hand shooting out to grip Lucas's shoulder just as his fingers curl around her hips. "Whoa…you okay" He can see the loss of focus in her eyes, but it seems to only last a few seconds.

"Yeah, I think I just stood up too fast" the dizziness is gone just as quickly as it came. "I guess you're not the only one who needs some food" She laughs lightly, but the concern radiating off her husband is not diminishing.

"You haven't been eating much lately" Her dinners had been minimal over the last few weeks and she'd been skipping breakfast altogether. He'd assumed that she'd been eating enough for lunch, but no he's not so sure.

"I just haven't been very hungry lately" She hadn't really thought about it much, but her appetites all but disappeared over the last month.

"Are you sure you're okay…" he watches her smile and roll her eyes

"I'm fine Luke" She grips both his shoulder and shakes him playfully. "I just need eat something…"

"Are you…"

"I'm positive that you should go start dinner while I put my crap away and go wash up. I promise to try and make it downstairs before you're finished" her lips turn up innocently and he can't help but chuckle. "I love you"

"I'm gonna go make you some food." He presses his lips to her forehead, lingering longer than usual before finally stepping away from her. "I love you, and I'll see you when dinner's ready" He calls over his shoulder as he exits the room, knowing that fussing over her will only lead to irritation.

She lets her smile drop once he's gone, and forces herself to take a deep breath. She hadn't thought about it much before, but now it's at the forefront of her mind because she remembers the last time her appetite vanished.

Her fingers drum against the top of the steering wheel as she waits for the light to change. She'd gone to see her doctor a week ago to get blood work done, surprised but relieved that she'd been able to get an appointment within 24 hours. Now she's headed back into the office to get the results. She hasn't told Lucas about either appointment. His nerves would just exacerbate her own and she's felt anxious enough these last few days.

A car horn blares from behind her, and Peyton looks up to see that light's now green. Without thinking she flicks her turn signal up and turns right instead of left as originally planned. She'll likely be a bit late to her appointment, but as she pulls into the familiar driveway a few moments later, she can't make herself care. Her legs suddenly feel like lead as she makes her way toward the front door. Peyton listens to the sound of the doorbell as she taps her foot nervously.

"Hey P. Scott. Why the hell are you ringing the doorbell?" Brooke rolls her eyes as she turns and walks back into the house, expecting the blonde to follow her. She halfway down the hall when she notices that the front door is still open and Peyton hasn't moved. "P…"

"I need you to come with me to my doctor's appointment" the words are quiet and mumbled as she blurts them out.

"Okay" the brunette doesn't ask any questions, just grabs her keys, phone, and bag from the kitchen counter and heads back towards the door. There are a million and one thoughts running through her head, but Brooke just wraps her arm around Peyton's shoulders as they walk to the car. She'd called Julian on the way to the doctor's office, asking him to pick the boys up from school, and then she'd spent most of the next two hours with her best friend's hand clasped in her own.

End Flashback

Peyton hadn't actually been able to tell him when he got home that evening, but one look at her face had been all he needed to confirm his fears. She'd fallen into his arms and cried for the first time all day. She hadn't stopped crying until she'd finally fallen asleep tucked into Luke's side sometime after midnight. They hadn't spoken much, especially after he'd correctly guessed that she didn't want to go through treatments again. Lucas didn't fight her on the decision, but he also didn't get more than an hour of sleep that night.

Two weeks later he'd come home and found a full bottle of Hydrea on the kitchen counter. She hadn't looked particularly happy when he found her sitting out on the deck, but she hadn't looked guilty for the first time in days. Lucas didn't say anything as he sat beside his wife and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, but they both knew he was relieved to see those pills.

She'd stayed on the Hydrea for 4 months. After 16 weeks of nausea, migraines, and fatigue, the drug had given her a persistent high grade fever that landed her in the ICU for 3 days, but done nothing to improve her platelet count. So they'd put her back on Interferon, which had successfully put her in remission the first time. Lucas had taken a leave of absence from work and over the next 7 months had driven her to the hospital 3 times a week, 3 weeks of the month and sat by her side while the injected the drug into her arm. Her nausea hadn't been as severe this time around, and she'd kept her hair, but the tradeoff had been severe joint and muscle pain, insomnia, a reoccurring low grade fever, constant chills, an inability to focus for extended periods of time, and sudden, intense bouts of irritability. Her weight had plummeted and none of them had been quite sure if her depression was a side effect of the medication, or simply a side effect of dying.

Her doctor had suggested she take a four week break before trying another round of treatment. She'd sat in the office and stoically nodded at his words as Lucas held her hand tightly. She'd been bundled up on the couch with her feet in Lucas's lap when he quietly stated that maybe it'd be better if they didn't go back when the month was up. The words had tasted like acid coming off his tongue and it'd taken every ounce of will he had to force the statement from his mouths, but the look of relief on her face had been undeniable. And when she'd started crying a few moments later, he knew their forever was officially on borrowed time.

They'd broken the news to Alex a few days after she'd come home for winter break. She'd found them sitting at the kitchen table one afternoon, heatedly whispering to each other yet holding hands. She'd hesitantly taken the seat her dad pulled out for her and then silently listened as they told her the Interferon hadn't done what it was supposed to. She hadn't cried, she'd been too numb, but her heart still fractured into pieces at the knowledge the chemo wouldn't be saving her mom this time.

Her parents worriedly watched as she moved throughout the house on autopilot. She'd eaten the lunch her dad made, read a few chapters of a book which she'd ultimately had to re-read a few days later, and stared blindly at the TV screen while a movie played. She'd declined dinner and instead grabbed her keys as the sun was setting and driven to her god-mother's house.

Julian had answered the door and immediately ushered her into the living room. He'd taken the boys out for dinner to give Alex the privacy she clearly needed. She'd fallen apart the moment Brooke sat beside her on the couch, and she'd buried her face in the brunette's shoulder as their arms went around each other. Alex spent the next 5 hours crying with her god-mother over an impossible situation with no fair or real solution. Brooke offered her the guest room as the clock ticked past 11, but Alex tearfully whispered that she wanted to go home. So Brooke drove her back across town and as she pulled into the driveway, they both watched the front door open and Lucas step out into the dark. Alex had mumbled a thank you and then quickly made her way into her dad's waiting arms. She'd crawled into bed with her mother an hour later, Peyton waking just enough to cradle her daughter the same way she used to years ago.

Now, 4 months later, they sit together in the living room watching a movie. Brooke and Haley had been by earlier and kicked Lucas out of the house for a few hours so they could have their regularly scheduled girl time. They'd started having girls' night the summer Peyton and Brooke spent in the beach house, and then it became a tradition for them to get together every two months. Usually they took over one of their houses for the night, but for the last year it had turned into a Saturday girl's afternoon instead, which Alex was invited to attend whenever she was home. Peyton had enjoyed the afternoon, mildly surprised at her continued spike in energy she'd had over the last few days. But now the day was catching up with her and she finds herself periodically dozing off.

Lucas pulls a throw from the back of the couch and drapes it over his wife before pulling her further into his side as her eyes drift closed again. He presses a kiss to her forehead before turning his attention to the movie. She's been fading since he got home a few hours ago. But even through the exhaustion she's seemed at peace - content. She'd declined dinner but been happy to talk about their daughter.

Flashback

"I'm so happy I got to watch her grow up…" There was a time that would have made him choke on his food, but although he hates the implications, he's gotten used to these kind of statements. She's got a small but genuine smile on her lips as she sits in the corner of the sofa with her legs tucked to the side. "I got to watch her go to prom, and graduate high school" He can't help but smile too as his eyes find Alex's graduation picture on the mantel.

"You got to be her mom" he sets his plate down on the coffee table and pulls her feet into his lap.

"Even though it didn't last, I got to watch her fall in love…"

"We did good, didn't we?" The smile is still in place, but he watches the few tears that slip from beneath her closed lids.

"We did great…" she whispers through the tears. "We did great"

End Flashback

"This is so predictable…" His eyes shift to his daughter, who's comfortably curled up in the recliner. She'd come downstairs not long ago, immediately sitting in her favorite chair to watch the movie with her parents.

"How do you know it's predictable if you haven't seen the end yet…" he raises a brow as she rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

"If you bother to pay attention, you can totally tell what's going on. Even if there's a minor plot twist that's a surprise, the big one is obvious." She waves her hand at the screen dismissively.

"If you say so, kiddo" he laughs as she shakes her head again.

"Back me up here, mom" Alex turns her gaze to her mom, who's always loved a good psychological thriller. But Peyton doesn't stir from her current position. Lucas nudges her slightly, but she only moans quietly before burrowing her face into his chest. Alex's stomach drops unpleasantly at the sight. It's not unusual for her mom to be asleep this time of the evening, but this feels different somehow. Lucas shoots her a reassuring smile, but the discomfort in his eyes makes it clear that he feels it too.

She set the recliner back into an upright position and unsteadily as she gets to her feet. She takes the few steps that bring her to stand in front of her parents and leans down to kiss the side of her mom's head. "I love you, mom…" Lucas cradles that back of his daughter's head and he presses his lips to her forehead as she tearfully whispers the words. Alex sits cross legged on the floor, her head resting on her dad's knee as he keeps one hand around his wife and the other on his daughter's shoulder.

That was the last time he watched that movie, and he knows the exact moment Peyton stopped breathing. Five months have passed, but he still wakes up most mornings expecting her blonde curls to be splayed across the pillow, and he's not sure if those few blissful seconds are a blessing or a curse. He thought he'd been doing okay, he really had. And then he'd found the sketchbook. He'd opened the black leather cover and been met with her familiar neat handwriting.

Lucas, if you're reading this…that means you've been snooping through my things.

He'd immediately felt the air leave his lungs and his legs had gone out from underneath him. He closed the book, clutched it to his chest, and cried. Not silent tears, but gut wrenching sobs because god, he missed his wife. He'd tried to read her words again a month later, but he'd only gotten through the first paragraph before having to stop.

Now 2 months later, he's sitting at the lake, with his back against the tree he married her under, ready to try again. He traces his fingers over the cover and takes a deep breath before pulling it open…

Lucas,

If you're reading this…that means you've been snooping through my things. And if you're finally going through my closet, it means that enough time has passed for you to truly appreciate the words you're about the read. This probably won't be what you're expecting, but then again maybe the unexpected is exactly what you're expecting from me…a riddle, wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch – I don't have to ask if you remember that, but did it make you smile? I hope it did…and not a pained smile that's riddled with guilt, but a real one…with a hint of a laugh behind it. If not, I'll ask that you close this back up and save it for a time when it does – when it can.

These pages are not filled with vague instructions on how to move on with your life or things that I need you to do. Sure, I could beg you to make sure Alex remembers how much she was loved, but I know I don't need to. This isn't about the things I want out daughter to know as she continues through life…I've already written all of that down for her to read on her own. No, my love, the words that follow are for you alone. And it's so important to me that you're able to enjoy them…that reading them makes you as happy as writing them made me. These words, Lucas Scott, are from my heart…

To my heart,

I imagine you reading this in one of two places. Either at Rivercourt - not sitting on a bench, or even against a tree, but with your legs bent and your elbows resting on your knees at center court - or at our lake - leaning against the hood of your car or sitting under the tree where I did in fact become Peyton Scott. I imagine you looking up briefly at whichever scenery is surrounding you and then closing your eyes and smiling before you continue reading…and then laughing as you read what I just wrote. I'll be watching to see just how much I really know you.

I know this isn't the way we thought this would happen…that this isn't what comes to mind when people talk about happily ever after. I won't tell you not to cry about me, but I will tell you not to cry for me. You don't need to, because you and Alex have made my life SO full and warm. I watched her grow up, and although the first few years were a bit shaky to say the least, I was her mom and in every way I hoped and dreamed to be, in every way I once feared I was never going to be. And then there was you. I got to come back to you. Despite every reason why the last 15 years should not have happened…they did. I got 15 breathtaking, astounding, incredible years of memories…of pure, unadulterated happiness. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, all I wanted was you and her. Through everything that's happened, 'us' is all I've ever wanted. It's what I was sure was going to be stolen from me… but it wasn't Lucas. My dreams came true, and it was all so much better, so much more than I ever could have imagined. I've been living my happily ever after every day for over a decade. How many people really get to say that, Luke? Even these last few months, I can honestly say I've been happy. Has it been ideal…of course not. But I was at peace this time around and I have you to thank for that.

I can't say that I've loved you my entire life. And although you can, I can't even say that I've loved you from the first moment I saw you. I used to see you in the halls, but you were nothing more than my boyfriend's estranged brother. I disliked you by default - everything about our lives told me to.

And then my beloved car broke down. It was in the moments that followed that you said 'That's me inside your head'. It was just you're way of making conversation. They were just lyrics to a song, but somehow it was true, and in my head is where you've been ever since. From that point on I have fallen in love just a little bit more each and every day. It's the little things you do that consume me in ways I never would have dreamed possible. The way you hold me. The way you kiss me like right then and there it's the most important thing in the world. The way you instinctively pull me just a little bit closer right before you step back from a hug. The way you breathe my name like a prayer every time you make love to me. The way you light up with our daughter. The smiley faces in her pancakes. The on the spot bed time stories. The fact that you might have been more proud than she was when the training wheels came off. The after dessert desserts that I knew absolutely nothing about. The childhood you gave her with and without me. The happiness that you made sure always remained inside of her. I love you for all of those things, and so so much more. I could go on forever Lucas Scott, and just when you thought I was done, you'd give me another reason…and for that I love you more than these words could ever express.

I pray that you felt what I couldn't possibly give a voice to. That you knew…that you know, how much you mean to me. You welcomed me back into your life with an ease I'm not sure I deserved. And it wasn't out of pity or guilt, but out of the goodness of your heart. Out of a love that was never anything but pure. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you that…for never giving me reason to doubt your love for me. And because you're you, I know you understand just what that really meant to me.

Through the tears and laughter you have loved me. Through the wonderful highs and frightening and overwhelming lows you have loved me unconditionally. You walked with me through one hell of a storm…and then you carried me until it finally broke. You were…you've been my strength when I swore I had nothing left to give. You've kept me grounded and whole when I felt I was falling to pieces. You, Lucas Scott, were my serenity. You are my God given solace.

Would you believe me if I told you that you still give me shivers when you trace your fingers down my spine? And not because of some scientific, physical response, but because the idea of making love to you still gives me butterflies. Just thinking about the way you touch me, the way you adore me, it makes me bite my lip, makes my cheeks burn, makes my stomach tighten in the most wonderful way. To be perfectly honest, sometimes just the way you look at me give me butterflies. Yes, after 20 years, you still make me that happy, nervous, excited…giddy.

Maybe I haven't loved you my entire life, but my heart has always been yours. My every moment, every breath, was leading me to you. To us. I wish we had more time, but if this is all we get, I'm okay with that, because I couldn't possibly have asked for a better partner in this life. No matter how lost, or scared, or confused I've been, there's always been you, finding me, and saving me. And I am so terribly in love with you, Lucas Scott…

He expects to see her name signed at the bottom, but there's nothing underneath the last sentence. He turns the page, hoping to find more from her, but instead of words it's an image of the two of them at this very lake that greets him. He smiles as his eyes move over the lines she's sketched to recreate the very first moment they truly met on the other side of the water. Her staring up at him in her brown leather jacket, books clutched to her chest as he grips the handle of the driver's side door and stares back. "We don't even know each other…" "Maybe that's the point…"

And as he continues slowly turning the pages of the sketchbook, he relives their life together. That basketball game that officially plunged him into her world. Sitting outside on the porch at Nathan's party. Her hands gripping his face as she kisses him for the first time in that slinky black dress he'd loved so much. He looks at the raw emotion on her face as she tells him that she wants all the same things that he did and can't help but wonder what would have happened if he'd just told Brooke to go home that night and told Peyton to stay. But then he realizes that he wouldn't have Alex, and that's not a life he can imagine. As if on cue, he flips to a sketch of Peyton in a hospital bed staring down adoringly at the newborn in her arms, and he know it's not the life she would've wanted either.

He spends over an hour sitting there, his fingers reverently tracing image after image. And he cries as he loses himself in the memories she's recorded for him. And just as she hoped he would, Lucas Scott smiles as he falls in love with Peyton Sawyer all over again.